Sooo, I really grateful to share my English homework with you ;) We just had the task to write an "interior monologue" of Pudge's thoughts about Alaska after Thanksgiving holiday, and I thought: "Well... This is actually like writing a fanfiction." So this is what I did, and to feel like a member of this community, I decided to publish it. It won't be continued, but I guess that's okay, considered what happend... then.
As I lay in my bed this Sunday's night, the Colonel snoring deeply above me, thoughts of the past week flooded through my brain and kept me from sleeping. Did I really just spent one week, seven whole days just with Alaska? Well, not really "just" Alaska, as the Colonel had invited us to his place over "real" Thanksgiving, but still.
I can't imagine how I nearly said "I love you" back on the football field. I can still remember her beauty and the moonlight, and her soft voice reading Vonnegut though, and on the next morning I could probably have put all the blame on the booze, but just now I was able to see how weird this would have been. Of course, her hand placed those tickling circles on my thigh - one layer - and I have never been alone with a girl this long time, but this was no reason to just turn to somebody and tell him you loved him, like, out of the blue.
I should be grateful she mentioned the labyrinth of suffering to keep me from saying it, but to be honest, it is driving me mad. It's driving me mad that she always seems to know exactly what's going on in my head and would be able to answer all the unspoken questions on my tongue, while I look her right in the eyes and have not the slightest clue what she is thinking about. Just like yesterday, when she came to me, sobbing, and talked about how fucked up everything and she herself especially was. I still don't get what she meant with "There is no home". What about her mother? She must truly love and miss her, but maybe I thought so because I couldn't imagine anyone not adoring Alaska. Didn't she feel loved there? Had she had some issues with her father?
I remembered her sitting at the dining table at "Chez Martin" saying "I'm grateful for just having had my best Thanksgiving in a decade." - another hint on, well, something, I guess, which I was just to stupid to figure out – but spoken so, I had to agree.
I mean, we shared a bed together. I never shared a bed with a girl, and I know I shouldn't have thought about her, only three layers away – really, when did I got so obsessed with layers? - but I couldn't help unleashing my imagination at this moment, trying to decide what I would do if she would just reach out her hand and touch my shoulder and...
My problem probably was, that everything she did confused me to the bones, and as I don't like being confused, I can't stop thinking about this to get what she meant. How can someone rumble around stranger's room the whole day in attempt to steal a porn movie, and then suddenly lie down and say "I'm sleeping"? I never even heard bout girls liking porn movies, which she actually didn't did either, so I couldn't help the thought of this being a lesson for me. Did she wanted to tell me how (not) to do it? And if she did... Why would she do that?
The sudden image of what this could mean shocked through my brain, so I had to shake it off fast. Alaska would never sleep with me, and I didn't just told that to me because I didn't had low self-esteem, but because she was far to amazing to be even able to think about me like that. I still wasn't sure if I could consider us as friends, why she even talked to me as I would have a personality equal to hers.
And so I decided to slowly fall asleep, the same metaphor stuck in my head as on Tuesday, which I still thought would describe our situation quite well: "I f people were rain, then I was probably drizzle, and she was hurricane."