So one day I got a review on one of my fanfics that went something like this: "yo play skyrim? cicero one shot plz"

Well, I've never played Skyrim before, and I had no fucking clue who this Cicero guy was up until writing this, but I do aim to please. So here you go random reviewer guy. I don't get requests often, so I felt obliged to help you out!

As I just said, I've never played Skyrim, so I asked a friend who has to tell me about this Cicero character. And then I wrote this right after.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this shit. End of story.


Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was some guy named Cicero, and he was a pretty cool dude. Or something. I don't know.

He was part of some Dark Brotherhood thing. I don't really know what a Dark Brotherhood is, but it sounds like some group made up of a bunch of emo teens trying to be dark and edgy and cool. So we'll roll with that. I guess Cicero is an emo teen somewhere in the land of whereverthefuck this game takes place.

And he's an assassin.

Which is also dark and edgy and cool. That and assassins always have knives and shit, which makes slitting wrists easy to do.

Unless you're fucking retarded and use a sword, like Lass does in his 2nd and 4th job. But Lass is a faggot, and this isn't Grand Chase, so I digress.

Anyway, one day Cicero was chillin' and stuff at the place wherever the hell teenage emos hang out, taking care of the Night Mother like usual.

Whatever the fuck a Night Mother is. I guess that would be the head female of the group who reaches the highest ranks of Total Slut possible. Apparently she thinks she's a vampire because she lives in a coffin. I imagine she comes out while everyone's asleep and pretends to drink blood. Except the blood is probably just kool-aid because these stupid kids don't have the guts to drink real blood.

And the ones that do, end up dying from AIDS anyway.

So anyway, Cicero is sitting here by the coffin of Vampire Slut Supreme, and he's like waxing it or whatever the fuck he's supposed to do.

Suddenly this guy comes in, and he's all like "Cicero y u be waxing dat coffin you fuckin' loon."

And Cicero is busy muttering to himself about some dumb shit nobody cares about, so the guy goes over and smacks him across the face.

"I SAID Y U WAXIN A FUCKIN' COFFIN!"

So Cicero, being the refined gentleman he is, turned to face this man and started screaming "YOU ARE THE LISTENER, YOU ARE THE LISTENER!" and the other guy is like "What the fuck does that mean."

And then Cicero turns around and opens the corpse's coffin and says "What's that oh great Night Mother? You want a BLT? With extra cheese? But BLT's don't have cheese on the- I'm sorry great Night Mother, I didn't me- Yes, yes, extra cheese, I understand." And then he slammed the coffin shut, turned around, stabbed the man in the eye, and walked away.

Along the way, he did some juggling. Because since he's dressed like a fucking jester, he's required by law to juggle in public at all times.

Meanwhile, the Night Mother sat in her coffin confused, because she didn't actually say anything to Cicero at all. But hey, it was getting dark.

She got out of her coffin and made some kool-aid.

The End