That's Blaine's first thought as he gets married to Kurt on their wedding day – Kurt's white clothing has no stain or a speck of dirt, and he remembers that three days ago that Kurt's stressed and annoyed that his wedding won't be perfect because he was called by his florist whom said that the flowers will be delivered a day later than the wedding because of flight issues, and he remembers Kurt stating something along the lines of 'Blaine, they are very rare Gibraltar Campion flowers only found in the cliffs of Gibraltar! I need them!' and Blaine remembers his response quite lucidly 'our wedding flowers can only found on a cliff in Gibraltar?' and the thing is Blaine doesn't even know where Gibraltar is, causing a very anxious Kurt to take out a map and show him where the British territory land exists. A few days later, Blaine gets a call from Nick who says he'd talked to the dealers and the flowers will be there for the wedding.
This is sweet Nick, sweet straight Nick, whom is pressing his lips against Blaine, five years after Kurt and him got married. He can taste a hint of that fluffy caramel frappuccino with a ton of whipped cream that Jeff insists he has still and the Warbler's haven't changed a bit. Nick's arms are around Blaine's waist and Blaine's arms are around Nick's waist, as their lips press over and over again and again, and there's that rush of sugary lively energy. He remembers he's just alone on the parking lot on day, finds Nick whom offers to take him out for a few drinks, and by the time they've woken up, instead of Blaine feeling the guilt encompassing his stomach, he just feels that…that sugary rush and he lets Nick kiss, cuddle and fondle with him long after. It just becomes a crash of emotion and something mixed against as well, and the way that Nick runs his hand against Blaine's thigh makes him feel like a schoolboy crush again. It makes him feel beautiful, as pretty as Kurt is on that wedding day, in all that white, around all those flowers—
On a day where Kurt decides to go to the Lima Bean for coffee, he sees Blaine's elongated fingers against Nick's own hand and that his head is pressing against Nick's shoulder too close for comfort as Nick orders Blaine's order perfectly and he thinks he hears Blaine giggling, something that he hasn't done for a while, glitter like that, and God, oh God, his happiness's beautiful. He just stands there staring for the longest of time, as Blaine and Nick sit at the spot where he and Kurt usually sits and Blaine doesn't seem too fazed, as they talk and he just sees Blaine's eyes looking all doe-eyed and appealing, and as Kurt stares, he realises they've spent twenty-three minutes in there and don't show signs of leaving at all. Kurt's the one that leaves in a cloudy mix of confusion and horror at the thought of Blaine being Nick's – of all people, the one whose bought their wedding flowers, —
He doesn't want to go back and he doesn't want to go scream at Blaine. He's just confused and thinks of Blaine in the morning. He's out of bed before Kurt even has a chance to look at him, and his big doe brown eyes are just aloof and distant sometimes, and it's become routine for Kurt to make him breakfast on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and the other days are all Blaine's job, and they don't even acknowledge each other's existence anymore. The only thing that changes is the flowers that Blaine keep in the vase in the middle of the table, and the scent of the candles that are lit in the night, because it helps calm Blaine down. The last time he's remembered seeing Blaine naked is four days ago when Blaine's putting on his crisp-white button-down a few moments before the meeting, leaving with a simple chaste kiss on Kurt's mouth, and then disappearing out of the household for hours on end, before he returns back, looking more alive and awake than he does when he falls asleep. He remembers once after those nights, Blaine's been trying to take off Kurt's red shirt after a particularly long night and Kurt pushes him off. That's the last time he remembers Blaine even asking for anything and the rest of the times are in a blur. Blaine's happy, happy with Nick, and there's that spark of excitement twinkling in his eyes when he sees him. It's that excitement that keeps him alive, keeps him going on in this terrible marriage, a promise from Blaine to Nick.
He feels a prick in his heart, knowing that he loves Blaine, - they haven't shown it for the long time, but it's always a language of love for Kurt, when Kurt orders Blaine's Breadstix order without a hitch, when Kurt has Phantom of the Opera blaring in his speakers after Blaine's had a rough night at work, when Kurt leaves candles on Blaine's bath because Blaine loves the sight of scented candles and he loves the scent of them as he divulges in lukewarm water, that makes Kurt realise he truly does love him and he does show it, even if it's in such a subtle manner, even if it's become routine – he feels the pain intensify and he stares down at his lap.
"…no more memories, no more silent tears…no more gazing across the wasted years…help me say, "Goodbye"…help me say, "Goodbye"…"
Kurt finally feels the tears pricking into his eyes. He has to die. He has to die for Blaine. He has to kill himself if he wants to stop feeling the undeniable prick of pain into his heart, to end it all, because if he does, then Blaine can be happy…Blaine should be happy.
In their routine night at Breadstix, Kurt doesn't even bother dressing up – he walks around in a black hoodie, something which he despises but it's Finn's and Finn's in New York with Rachael, so this scent makes him feel safe, almost as if he can hear Finn say I'm gonna punch that bastard multiple times in his face until he sees that he's wrong and you're right, but Kurt doesn't want to hurt Blaine…he still needs the reassurance, the feel of the fabric, the scent. Finn always smells a lot like cinnamon dolce lattes ever since Kurt's introduced him to such a phenomenon, and he remember rides in Starbucks with him and—Blaine—, Blaine would always share his caramel cheesecake, and they'd feed each other, and it's so perfect and out of the book, because the cake melts into Kurt's mouth and Blaine moves just a little closer to give Kurt a silent kiss and stare back at him with doe eyes the same eyes that look back at Nick, those beautiful, beautiful eyes and that's enough to keep them going on, to keep them reaching for the stars.
The stars are gone now, and so is Kurt.
"Is that what you're wearing?" Blaine asks, but there's no disgust or revolt in his voice as he inspects Kurt and a small smile stretches against his mouth as he stares at him. "God, I love it, Kurt." His voice sounds genuine but it seeps through Kurt like a broken record.
Kurt doesn't even answer him or show signs of taking in the compliment. If anything, Kurt looks just a little more tired. They go off to Breadstix and Kurt's just so sick of routine this is the reason that Blaine doesn't love you anymore that he nearly drives off the road and kills them both, but he just drives as slowly as possible. Blaine notices Kurt opens Pearl Jam and Blaine's face scrunches up, because he knows that Kurt doesn't even like Pearl Jam, but he tells himself it's only because Kurt can only listen to Think of Me so many times before he'd want to puke. At Breadstix, Kurt purposely gets Blaine's order wrong and he notices that Blaine forces a smile through the order. Blaine pushes around the shrimp with his fork and continues to eat each bit slowly. He then stops in the middle, and leaves and Kurt keeps on thinking that Blaine's texting Nick, because he has to be telling him that his husband of five years got his order wrong. Blaine enters the bathroom and doesn't come out for a while and Kurt feels tears in his eyes. Behind white walls, Blaine drops to his knees and throws up because he's allergic to shrimp, and he doesn't think that Kurt remembers anymore. Blaine empties himself in a porcelain bowl and then when he returns, Kurt's quieter, smearing feta cheese on his pesto pasta before taking a few lone bites. The night is quiet.
When thy get home, Blaine lights up the candles on the table, and then looks at Kurt whose on the bed now, texting Mercedes. Blaine grins and then kisses Kurt's cheek but Kurt pushes him away, hurt, afraid, feeling as worthless as Hell. Blaine just stares back at him, confused, and disorientated. He doesn't initiate anything again as he lies beside the bed. Kurt shuts his eyes at two am, and finally falls asleep then, and forty-five minutes later, Blaine's in the kitchen, drawing himself a mug of warm milk, then realises that Kurt's been wearing Finn's black hoodie—as he puts down the mug back, leaving the warm milk to cool down as he turns around and heads out. In the middle of the night, he finds himself in Nick's arms, and it's an empty existence. All Blaine can think about is how beautiful Kurt is in his stepbrother's gigantic hoodie.
When Blaine comes home from his job, he's tired and drained and just wants to sleep. He usually does so when Kurt opens Phantom of the Opera, but this time, Kurt's choice of music is Puck's Van Halen, which doesn't make him sleep at all as he fidgets in his car seat. Kurt doesn't seem to mind though. During the hour and a half's drive it takes for Kurt to pick up Blaine from work, he usually does fall asleep. Kurt notices that the minute he walks home, Blaine doesn't even look at Kurt's dinner as he falls asleep right at the couch, shoes still intact, and head against the pillow. He wakes up at three am, starving, hurt, and he thinks he hears Kurt crying in the kitchen but he's just tired, so he just lies there, and doesn't make a sound as he finds himself crying too, and he doesn't really know why.
Kurt throws the candles out of his and Blaine's bath, saying something about not being able to take a bath with scent of cinnamon hanging on his nose short after a cinnamon dolce latte – Blaine remembers Finn again – and Kurt takes longer than usual in his baths. By the time that Blaine steps in, the lukewarm water's ice cold, but Blaine doesn't say anything as he mourns the loss of his scented candles. He doesn't stay there for long. Two days after, Blaine's running a fever and doesn't say a word. Two days later, Kurt burns his skin with how hot the water is as he makes it his mission to finish off every single speck of heat in the water before Blaine uses it. Two days later, they're still lonely.
The worst thing he does is two days before he plans to do his suicide – on their sixth fake anniversary. That's when he wants to make sure that all Blaine finds is a cold body. Kurt finds himself paying Sebastian Smythe, who then raises an eyebrow at Kurt's intention, to throw a frappuccino on Blaine's face, making sure it lands in his mouth, - knowing Blaine's lactose intolerance, it would make him break out in hives. He remembers wanting to call Sebastian a few minutes before, to call everything off, but Sebastian still manages to find Blaine, and hit him with the frappuccino. Kurt gets to act this time, act like he's concerned your eyes are a glittering big doe brown when you look at him, as he holds onto Blaine into his arms you make me feel so empty on the inside. Kurt doesn't expect Blaine to go into shock, but oddly, as he stands there near Blaine's hospital bed, he feels nothing. I need to do this.
On the night just before their anniversary, Kurt finds Blaine standing by the mirror after a shower as Kurt bites his earlobe and tells him to come and join me in bed now, sexy. Blaine feels the twitch of his cock as he pulls himself on top of the bed, staring down at Kurt's milky-white skin, and something that smells a lot like vanilla and cinnamon scented candles – Blaine's favourites – as Blaine lets his tongue guide against his skin. Kurt moans, almost like the moans they've had the first time. Kurt lets Blaine take the lead this time, just like their first time, and Blaine's sure that this is better than the cheap motel room they had then, as Blaine circles his tongue around Kurt's neck, lapping and kissing and loving and touching and Kurt sounds a lot like a candle slowly melting as they fuck. Blaine's panting by the end. "Kurt, God, Kurt, you're beautiful," Blaine finally states, head nuzzled in Kurt's neck.
Kurt's hand is in Blaine's hair, as he finds his hand running up and down Blaine's back. There's a smile on his face, small and weak against powder-pink lips. "I love you," Kurt suddenly says, in a rushed voice. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Kurt, always will," Blaine's voice is soft, and Kurt just shuts his eyes and doesn't say a word, as he runs his hands through Blaine's loose curls, something that Kurt used to always adore. They lie there and for the first time in months, their sleep is uninterrupted by nightmares and demons. By the time that Kurt wakes up, Blaine's not gone and he just presses his head against Kurt's shoulder, breathing in his scent. "You smell like Finn's cinnamon dolce lattes," Blaine suddenly states, in a sweet tone of voice.
Kurt rolls his eyes. "And I want to smell like my stepbrother's lattes? Watch it. I might think you're cheating on me with my stepbrother." He doe notice the twitch of Blaine's shoulder when he says cheating on me, but his smile slowly returns and they ease back into just breathing, just being with each other.
"I've never had you light all of my candles before," Blaine suddenly notices that he's actually lit up all of his candles, but the vanilla and cinnamon scent had been empowering the night before, and now the room smells like lavender, rose, chocolate and marshmallows. It's a subtle smell that makes Blaine want to melt into Kurt's skin right then, like the candle's melting to the core of the table. "They're like stars with fire, only more passionate," Blaine suddenly says.
Kurt shuts his eyes and remembers the image of Blaine and Nick in that coffee shop that day, laughing, happy, Blaine's eyes, oh God, Blaine's eyes all glittery and sparkly and his smile so wide that Kurt can count every tooth in Blaine's mouth, - he knows that Blaine has one that hasn't grown at the back of his mouth, and two of which are oddly shaped out in the front –, he remembers Blaine resting his head on Nick's shoulder, secure, close, in love, passionate…Kurt takes a deep breath at the visual, at the memory, at the pain that takes his heart and engulfs it until it's nothing but a big black hole ready to suck in everything…
Blaine slowly gets off bed and gets ready for work and Kurt kisses the back of his neck, and runs his hand against the loose curls just one last time, as he stares at Blaine in his uniform as a steward. Kurt remembers those days where Blaine would tell them that he's seen every country in the world and he's seen every type of person in the world and he's still in love with just Kurt. Kurt wants to laugh and cry at memory, because the person that Blaine goes to is someone whose always been there, just two steps before him, he's lost Blaine a long time ago then – or perhaps, he's never truly had him. Kurt still manages a strong smile, as he kisses Blaine's lips just one last time. "Goodbye, Blaine!" Kurt calls out, and Blaine doesn't look back as he leaves. Kurt feels a heavy sense of dread as tears burn into his eyes. "Goodbye, Blaine…" he repeats, voice broken and soft.
Blaine doesn't go back to Nick that day, doesn't even notice him on the flight, as he calls Nick and tells him that it's over, and it's enough. Nick respects it and Blaine buys Kurt cinnamon dolce lattes on his way home, and steps inside to call out lovingly to his husband of – six years today, six beautiful years – as Blaine calls him. "Kurt!" his voice is full of love and happiness and his eyes are sparkling, pretty doe brown eyes that surpasses any prettiness in the world, as he finds himself flushing rosy colours. "Kurt…?"
Blaine puts down the two cups of coffee on the table and sees all of his candles are missing. He looks all around the house again, and finds himself going back to the room, thinking that Kurt's been running an errand or two, or spent his time with Mercedes. He decides to freshen up then, and walks into the bathroom where his heart stops at the sight of Kurt's lifeless floating body. He's lying in the bed of flowers, their wedding flowers, all around him, and his candles are all lit and there's a now nauseating scent of cinnamon and vanilla. Blaine doesn't even know what's going on when he runs to him, and he grabs onto him, "KURT KURT KURT!" Blaine doesn't' even know he's screaming and shouting. His eyes are blurring with tears right then, as he shakily manages to find the phone .
"911. What is your emergency?"
"My…my husband's in the bath tub, unconscious. I think…I think…I think he tried to kill himself. Please, come. Please. Please. Please. He's so…so unconscious. I can't…I can't look at him like this. God, I can't look at him like this. I can't. I can't. I can't…he's so small…oh God…"
"We will be right there."
His head's made out of lead as he presses his lips to Kurt's cold, blue lips and tries to revive him. The water's cold, and as Blaine pulls him out of the bathtub, he doesn't care as he lies down beside him. Kurt's wearing his wedding clothes, and it's all wet and white and there's still not a smudge to be found on it. Blaine's running his hand up and down Kurt's body as he tries to revive him, pushing his hand against his chest and then trying to breathe into his mouth. "Breathe for me, Kurt. Breathe." Blaine's begging, eyes full of tears. "Breathe for me, Kurt. Oh God. Oh God. Kurt, please, please…please breathe for me. I don't care if you wake up and punch the living shit out of me because I…I cheated and I think you know. I cheated and I think you know…Kurt, I love you. Always was just you. Always…always…Kurt…KURT…K-K-Kurt…"
He's sobbing and crying and he's holding onto Kurt's body as if he cries enough. "I'm crying for you, Kurt. I'm crying for you…please wake up…please…you said you didn't like it when I cried…" yeah, before you decided to screw Nick. Blaine chokes on his own tears and gasps in horrors, trying to breathe himself. "Kurt…Kurt, honey…" his voice's soft.
When he hears the sound of something outside it's vague to him. The man is still trying to tear Blaine away from Kurt. "NO, NO, NO…PLEASE." Blaine's voice was shaking but then he finally gave up, and let the man take Kurt away.
"Kurt Hummel…male, twenty-seven years old… found dead—"
Blaine's mind feels a searing hot-white fuzziness. "NO! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE CAN'T DIE. HE CAN'T DIE…HE CAN'T FUCKING DIE ON ME. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER-!"
You screwed that up, Blainey. He can hear Kurt's voice in his head, and this just causes him to sob more.
"Kurt…K-Kurt, I'm so sorry."
"Oh God. What…could…c-c-could I have saved you?"
You killed me.
Blaine shakes his head as he lies down onto the chair, staring at Kurt's body, eyes shut, unmoving, immobile. "This for you?" the man suddenly asks, and Blaine sees a black tape. Blaine suddenly just stares at it and nods, before playing it, feeling numbness prickle in his skin.
"Blaine…Blaine, it's me. It's Kurt. I guess you found me…" Kurt emits an empty laugh and Blaine wants to sob and cry in his corner. "I love you. I love you so much…it's why I had to do this. It's why…why I have to do this. You love Nick, Blaine. I saw the way you looked at him, with those big, big brown eyes of yours….God, they shine like every star in the fucking sky. It's not fair, Blainey. Because my 'ocean-blue eyes', or so you and Rachael and the rest of the world state…they've….they've got nothing on you. So I lit the candles. A part of me is telling me that if I kill myself tonight…that if I go through with it, then you'll be happy."
Blaine brokenly sobs.
"…another part of me is telling me that I'm a fucking idiot and that if I kill myself, I'll just hurt you. Because you love me. I've given up on love a long time ago, Blaine. I can't make your eyes sparkle anymore, or feel safe. You rested your head on your shoulder—how long has it been since you've rested your head on my shoulder, Blainey? Two years, five months, and three days. That's how long that we were apart, how long you were pretending to love me…you don't love me, Blainey. But God, oh God, do I love you…you're…you're beautiful, Blainey. Inside and out. God, I just wish I can make you love me like you love him. If I could trade all the blue in my eyes for that. So you're going to go to my funeral, and you're going to lie there, and you're going to cry and then you're going to forget about me and go to Nick and you're going to be happy. You're going to be so happy in his arms and he's going to sing to you and he's going to love you." Kurt's sobbing by this point. "H-He's going to l…love you just like I did, only this love's pure. Only this time…t-t-th-this time they're going to stare at you all and then say…and then they're gonna say… they're like stars with fire, only more passionate."
Kurt laughs an empty laugh in that tape. "You… you're like my star, only more passionate, only more beautiful and when I die, I wish I can be a star in your sky…g-goodbye, Blaine…as long as the candles still keep on burning…as long as the sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't turn upside down…I…I love you. Happy anniversary, Blainey…you can be happy now…"
"Kurt…K-Kurt," Blaine lets the tape fall and he rushes to Kurt's body still, with an officer writing notes a clipboard as Blaine's arms are around Kurt again. "I don't love Nick, Kurt. It was all a mistake. I'm so sorry, Kurt. God, I'm such an ass. Kurt, you can't do this to me. Kurt, Kurt, you can't kill yourself for me. Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, oh God, oh God, oh God…You can't die. You can't die because it's all a mistake…because…because I love you, Kurt! I love you!"
Blaine's eyes are burning with unshed tears, as he looks at Kurt's body, voice as soft as a whisper.
"I can't burn like a star without you. You're-you're my candle, Kurt…you're my candle, Kurt…"
The funeral consists of Blaine standing there, knowing that Kurt's there in the white-casket, in Finn's black hoodie, safe…safe from him, from his stupidity. Blaine just stands there, looking apathetic, eyes so dried of tears, still bloodshot, still staring at Kurt's casket. Every word he says can't explain how much he loves Kurt. "The first thought that I've had of Kurt when I've first seen him in our wedding day…was…that he was beautiful, oh God…was he beautiful. I can just drown in how blue his eyes were…he's so perfect in his pure whiteness…and…the last thought that I've had of Kurt, when he's lying in my arms, lifeless, dead, was that…he's going to be the most beautiful angel Heaven's gonna have and he's gonna burn like a star, only brighter, with more fire, beautiful, articulate…passionate. And he's gonna burn on without me, he's a candle that doesn't need anyone to light the flames, because he was in love…he loved people…"
Blaine shut his eyes and his voice is a mere whisper. "…he loved me."
There's a ray of candles near Kurt's casket that Blaine moves too, they smell like Kurt, they smell like Finn, like cinnamon dolce lattes, blood and tears. Blaine stares at the candles and tears suddenly well up in his eyes. He blows the fire out like it's a birthday cake.
"So blow the c-c-candles out…looks like a solo tonight…and I'll never be alright…"