Hello, my lovely fellow human beings! Please do enjoy this fanfiction I've written and, if you don't mind, tell me what you think! At this moment, we will embark on the everlasting and Shakespeare-ridden love story of Edward Elric and Envy Alighieri. I hope you are thoroughly amused and squee'd-out by ultimate moexplosions~

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing! All characters, names, etc. etc. etc. go to Hiromu Arakawa-sensei ^_^

-Chapter One-

Today's the day, Edward Elric thought as he tied his flaxen hair back into a classic braid. Several locks of hair stayed loose, framing his face to give him a more mature look. First day of boarding school. Fun fun fun fun! God, when I go back home for Christmas I'm going to kill that damn Hohenheim. Edward's father had taken up a new job at a law firm, sapping up all of his time and canceling out any fatherly influence he had on his two sons. After about two months of the Elric brothers cooking, cleaning, and going to school by themselves, Hohenheim decided that he would "rather his boys not work so hard for themselves." So instead of using his surplus of money to buy them a better house, he shipped both Ed and Alphonse to a boarding school, where he could have even less influence on his sons than he did before. In Edward's opinion, it was quite ironic; he hypothesized that Hohenheim just didn't want to deal with them around the house anymore. It was actually quite likely.

Ed and Al had been assigned a temporary dorm together for the few days they had spent before the semester began; on the first day of class, they would be given a permanent dorm room with another one of their respective grade classmates. Since Ed was a sophomore and Al was a freshman, the likelihood of them sharing a dorm was exactly zero.

"Al! Are you ready yet?" Edward called, his voice reaching into the bathroom where Alphonse was last seen. A muted "almost" came from his younger brother, cueing Ed to collect their bags and set them by the door. He looked at the nearby clock, which screamed the ungodly time of 5:30AM. They had to get up extra early so that they could drop off their luggage at their new dorm rooms before all the other new/returning students arrived in their busyness.

Al exited the bathroom in full uniform: a blue tie, white collared shirt and matching blue pants. Edward himself wore a similar uniform, but the blue had been switched out for a forest green. Somehow, in the midst of creating the school, the administrators had thought it would be a good idea to provide another distinction between grades so that the freshman could be much more easily targeted by the seniors. What an excellent idea, Edward had thought sarcastically.

The two brothers picked up their respective suitcases and lugged them out of the dorm that was cleaned up to an OCD-like quality. As they trudged down the marble staircase, Alphonse made idle chatter about how lucky they were to be in such a nice school and how he was so excited and this and that. Edward, of course, was too absorbed in his own misery to bother listening. He almost envied Alphonse's obliviousness to the fact that Hohenheim really didn't send them off to a boarding school for the purpose of them having a good experience.

Bidding farewell, Edward and Alphonse went off to their respective grade dorm buildings. Ed arrived at his sophomore building and gazed upon it in indifference. Each of the buildings on the somewhat-small campus were exactly identical, with only a sign over the entrance differentiating one from another. He walked in and signed in at the front desk, receiving his dorm key and his schedule for the semester. Ed noticed that the second key to his room was already missing-perhaps his roommate had already arrived. He questioned the sanity of this person, for what kind of normal human being would willingly get up at such a horrid hour to get themselves situated in their new dorms?

Still sleepy, Edward chose to take the elevator up to his dorm on the 6th floor, which was the highest floor, to his pleasure.

"615, 615..." he muttered, reading the numbers on each door he passed. Finally he reached his room, only to find the door open and a pale figure taking a nap on one of the two beds.

"Um... hello?" Ed called, walking into the room and setting his luggage down on the unoccupied bed. "Hello~?" He was hesitant to wake the sleeping figure up, but luckily his voice was enough to coax the person into the world of the living.

"Who the hell're you, shorty?" The male said, sitting up in his bed. Ed assumed the person was a "he," since this was the male dorm building.

"WHO THE HELL'RE YOU CALLING SHORT?" Ed screeched, forgetting that the boy had literally just woken up five seconds ago. The boy laughed, running his hands through his long black hair that stuck out like... palm tree leaves. Ed snickered at the analogy, but still retained his heightened temper from the "short" comment.

"You're funny," the male said. "You must be my roommate, right? I'm Envy, Envy Alighieri. You?" Envy extended his hand out to the blonde-haired boy. Edward took it, and introduced himself as well. That's a rather strange name, he thought.

"I just transferred into this school, but I'm assuming you were here freshman year," he commented, sitting down on his bed. Envy nodded, swinging his legs over the edge of his respective bed. He didn't feel an ounce of shame that he was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts while Ed was fully clad in his uniform. "Yeah, that's why I'm here so early. I stayed here over the summer, so I might as well get acclimated to the new dorm."

"Why'd you stay over the summer? Are your parents that awful?" Ed asked jokingly, but instantly sobered at the scowl Envy had on his face.

"Ugh, don't remind me. I hate them more than they hate me, and that's saying something," he said scornfully. Edward quieted, feeling the awkward silence spread like wildfire. Luckily, Envy noticed this and broke the silence again.

"But hey, enough about that. You might as well unpack your stuff now, shrimp," he said, unknowing of how hot the blonde's temper would get.

"DON'T CALL ME A SHRIMP YOU PALM TREE!" Ed shouted, letting loose the analogy he had made in his mind. Envy frowned, lifting up a lock of his messy hair.

"You got a problem with my hair, Ed?" He asked coldly, fighting back Edward's firey temper. But yet he blazed on.

"I have a problem with you calling me short! I'm NOT SHORT!" Envy stood up, and demonstrated the 6-inch-plus height difference between himself and Edward. "You're shorter than me, pipsqueak," he teased, setting off another rant from Ed.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING PALM TREE, DAMMIT!" He shouted, only to make Envy laugh more from his reaction. "Alright, alright, you're not short... you're fun-sized." This comment made Envy burst into peals of laughter, leaving Ed speechless but completely pissed off. He stormed over to his suitcases, rapidly unpacking his clothes and shoving them into a dresser that went with the bed. Grabbing his schoolbag, he hurriedly left the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving Envy giggling.

God, how can that guy go from being kinda nice to being a total asshole? Edward fumed, stalking down the hallway. Where the hell am I supposed to go now? It's only 6:00AM and class doesn't start until 8:20. Aaaargh, that damn Envy! Suddenly, Edward was knocked over from behind by the same person who infuriated him. Annoyed, Ed quickly pushed him off and stood up.

"What the hell, Envy? What was that for?" Ed scolded, taking the role of a father reprimanding his child. Envy was kneeled on the floor, his face hidden in his hands. He made sounds as if he were sobbing, which caught Edward completely off-guard. Instantly feeling guilty, he crouched down next to the black-haired boy to ask, "Are you okay? I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to hurt you or anything, uh... I'm sorry..."

From behind his hands, Envy's mouth curled into a wide grin. He surprised Ed by grabbing him in a tight hug and squealing in a voice totally unlike his own:

"Yes, I'm okay, Eddie-dear~!"

Ed's sympathy immediately turned back into annoyance, frowning at the little trick Envy had pulled on him. It was obviously going to be a long morning, and an even longer semester.