Author Notes: It definitely has been a while. I dished this out spontaneously, and it's mainly for humorous purposes. Kind of little to no plot, although I hope you enjoy it none the less.
Disclaimer: The series Naruto does not belong to me – rather, to Masashi Kishimoto. All of the characters, name settings, etc. (unless mentioned or recognized otherwise) belong to him, not me.
Summary: Shikamaru can't catch a break. He definitely isn't cut out for the 'help-a-possibly-homosexual-roommate' situation. –SasuNaru- Other couples include: ShikaIno.
Specifies Scene Change: X X X
"Gay, I'm so gay."
Shikamaru clicks his tongue, flipping the page of the book he is reading.
"You know, I have been hypothesizing that ever since our freshman year of high school."
Shikamaru's roommate scowls, his blue eyes glaring at the brunette rather hatefully.
"Sorry Naruto, I can't," Shikamaru replies, turning the next page. "You'd probably like it. I'm okay with your sexuality, but I'd rather not participate."
"You're kind of an asshole," Naruto bites back, throwing a pillow at his roommate's head. It misses miserably, not even reaching the bed Shikamaru is perched on. It makes the blond even angrier, and he buries his face into his remaining pillow, yelling obscenities and other unintelligible nonsense.
Shikamaru just turns another page.
"Who made you come to this realization?" the brunet asks coolly. Naruto goes silent.
"Sorry, can't hear you with cotton in your mouth."
Naruto lifts his head. "I said, you'd never guess."
The blond stares at him blankly. Shikamaru almost laughs.
"Do you stalk me?" Naruto asks timidly, almost afraid of his roommate's reply.
"No, that takes too much effort," Shikamaru says, glancing at Naruto for a moment. The blond looks absolutely devastated and torn; it makes Shikamaru feel the slightest bit apologetic to his roommate's situation.
Unfortunately for Naruto, not apologetic enough. Shikamaru has seen this coming for months now.
"Then how do you know? I haven't shown the stupid prissy boy anything but hate since the day I have met him."
Shikamaru sighs. "The first time you two met, sparks flew."
"Hell yeah they flew," Naruto comments, smirking in satisfaction. "Bastard got a nice black eye."
"No I mean, sparks flew. He got to you the moment you saw him, and you haven't left him alone since. Under visible pretenses, it seems like you hate him, but most people attempt to ignore the people they hate. You actively seek him out, and you talk about him all the time. If he is all that is on your mind, it's not that difficult to guess that you are attracted to him. It's always shown on a subconscious level, probably because you're afraid of admitting it."
The blond stares at Shikamaru for a while before a scowl comes upon his face.
"I really fucking hate your psychology major right now," Naruto groans out, laying his head back down on the bed. "It's not like I enjoy being attracted to him. I don't know, I've just caught myself looking at him a bit too long for a couple of months now, and I don't like it when attractive girls drape themselves over him. It's nasty."
"It's jealousy," Shikamaru replies. "Do you feel that way with the ugly girls?"
Naruto's lips curl in disgust. "No, not at all. Actually, it's kind of funny."
"Because you don't see them as competition. A cute girl is a different story."
"So what do I do?" Naruto questions desperately. "I feel like an idiot-"
"About time you realized it."
Naruto glares at the brunet. "Shut up! Anyway, I feel like an idiot because I'd just be like all of those other girls. I don't know why I like him, and I hate that. Every girl on the planet is already dropping their panties for him; I don't want to be added to the list. It would inflate his already super-charged ego."
Shikamaru sighs. "Then move on. Find someone else."
"I've tried! But he is still in my head!"
"You sound like a girl right now, so much it's rather embarrassing," Shikamaru says, flipping another page. Naruto makes a loud sound of aggravation, grabbing a hold of his remaining pillow and chucking it with all his might to the other side of the room. It lands closer to the brunet, but still does not make its target.
"You're the shittiest relationship counselor in the world," the blond mutters. "I should've talked to Kiba."
"An even worse decision," the brunet comments. "The moment you admit you like Uchiha Sasuke, he is going to flip and possibly pass out. Besides, it is really difficult for him to keep his mouth shut. You don't want your attraction being public news, do you?"
Naruto frowns. "No, I suppose not."
"So are you seeking a relationship, or a one-time thing?" Shikamaru asks in boredom. The sooner he can assist Naruto in this dilemma, the sooner he can take a nap. He can't ever go to sleep with the obnoxious blond in the room.
"I don't know. Yeah, I think he's hot, and yeah, I'd bang the shit out of him, but a relationship? With the ice prick? Seems like a lot of trouble. How does this sound – he can only have sex with me, but we're not in a relationship. Does that make sense?"
Shikamaru blinks in response. "No, Naruto – that makes absolutely no sense at all. You'd have to discuss that with him."
Naruto sighs. "Yeah, I guess. Well, at least it feels good to get it off my chest. Maybe that'll make my feelings go away."
Turning another page, Shikamaru must refrain himself from letting out an exhausted sigh. His roommate is very troublesome.
X X X
Shikamaru gazes outside the school dining hall's window, a disappointed gleam in his eyes. It is raining outside, with absolutely no signs of letting up. He normally spends his lunch hour to himself, eating peacefully with the clouds as his company. Today, due the absolutely terrible weather, he is stuck inside, and finds himself a victim to his roommate's ranting.
"I motherfucking swear I am going to castrate him, feed it to his fan-girls, then throw his body in a dumpster where no one will find him…"
"Naruto. Shut up," the brunet mutters, not once taking his eyes off of the window. He can practically feel those blue eyes glaring at him.
"Not shutting up today, roommate," the blond responds. "Today is the icing on the cake. That bastard Sasuke is fully aware I don't have parents, and he went on and on about how they left me in an orphanage because they didn't want someone as stupid and loud as me. Well excuse me fucking prissy pants, whose parents lick his ass on a regular basis! What did I see in him? Why? I think I'll take your advice from a few days ago – moving on sounds like an excellent idea. Hopefully it works this time."
"Why Naruto," a smooth, baritone voice drawls, causing Shikamaru to turn his gaze away from the depressing gloom of the rain. "I didn't know you felt that way."
Shikamaru almost laughs at the impeccable timing, watching horror dawn upon his roommate's face. This time, Naruto's loud mouth has definitely gotten him into trouble. For not even a few steps is away is the object of Naruto's ranting, hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face. Shikamaru at least must give Naruto some credit – the blond could have fallen for someone who has no attractive qualities whatsoever. At least Sasuke has physical appearances working in his favor.
"Well Naruto, now is a time as good as any," the brunet says, looking up at the highly amused newcomer. Naruto immediately shoots him a look of malice and opens his mouth to curse his head off – but unfortunately, Sasuke cuts him off.
"You've caught me by surprise," the raven-haired comments, placing his hand on the table and leaning against it. "I knew I attracted men, but you? I must say I'm shocked."
Naruto buries his hands in his hair, muttering something along the lines of 'this has to be a nightmare'. At this point, Shikamaru slightly pities the blond; Sasuke isn't being very nice about the newfound knowledge, and he probably won't let Naruto live it down. If things get out of hand, Shikamaru will have to intervene, but the thought makes him want to shoot himself. He'd look out for his roommate the best to his ability, but that doesn't mean he has to look forward to it.
"So how long has it been?"
"Sasuke, forget you even heard anything," Naruto groans out, not looking up at his rival. "It isn't even that deep. You still piss me off."
Shikamaru almost snorts in disbelief. It isn't even that deep? Lies.
"I suppose you have joined the fan-girl brigade too, hm?" Sasuke asks mockingly, leaning in closer to taunt the distressed blond. Shikamaru moves in closer as well, anticipating another repeated scuffle.
"Holy shit Sasuke, just forget about it!" Naruto exclaims. He then stands, his form rigid as he comes face-to-face with the dark-haired male. At this moment, the whole hall goes quiet, sensing an inevitable fight waiting to ensue.
What a drag.
"That's very difficult to ask of me," Sasuke says softly, bringing himself nose-to-nose with the infuriated and highly embarrassed blond. "It's not every day my rival admits to liking me. However, I can't complain; I can't say I haven't thought of you in the most platonic of ways, either."
For the first time in a long time, Shikamaru is surprised. Usually he is perceptive enough to pick up on things most would normally ignore, but on this occasion, Sasuke has taken him off guard. He supposes he never anticipated this because he never really interacted with Naruto's rival, but at least this change in events works in Naruto's favor.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Naruto bites out, clenching his fists. Sasuke rolls his eyes.
"You are very dense."
And with no hesitation, Sasuke wraps his arm around the blond's waist and presses him flush against his body. He follows with a dip of his head, and then his lips are attached to Naruto's, his teeth already nibbling on his lower lip and ready to develop the kiss even more.
If Shikamaru was gay, he supposes this would be very erotic to witness. Unfortunately, he is very much straight, and in result, he is mildly perturbed two men are sucking tongues in front of his face. However, it's possible something good will come out of this; maybe his roommate won't complain anymore.
"What the shit? What is your problem?"
Spoke too soon.
"You're a fucking asshole!"
And with that exclamation, Naruto cocks back his fist and punches Sasuke directly in the face, sending the raven-haired male straight to the ground. A collective gasp erupts throughout the room, but Naruto pays no mind. He quickly grabs his books and the remainder of his food, offers a quick goodbye to his roommate and then exits the cafeteria.
The brunet looks down at the fallen male, grimacing in disgust. It seems like Naruto has given Sasuke another black eye for the record.
"You can't blame him," Shikamaru drawls, taking Sasuke's hand and pulling him up. Sasuke shoots Shikamaru a glare.
"That's funny, Naruto told me the same thing," the brunet comments dryly, turning his head back outside to the window. Sasuke makes a noise, sounding something like a 'hn'.
"He's the only person I want, and I will have him."
With that final comment, Sasuke silently retreats and follows the same exit as the infuriated blond. Shikamaru shakes his head.
Both of them. Idiots.
X X X
"Come on, Shikamaru! Get up!"
The lazy brunet doesn't bother to look and see who is approaching him, the high-pitched tone giving away their identity. Sure enough, his vision of the clouds is soon blocked by light blue eyes and borderline platinum blonde hair. Ino.
"Sometimes I wonder why I date you," the female comments dryly, placing her hands on her hips. "When is the last time we had sex, anyway?"
"About six days ago," the brunet drawls, beginning to sit up. And he is so comfortable, too.
"You're overdue, Nara. Keep it up and I might leave you."
"What did you really come here for?" Shikamaru questions his girlfriend, taking hold of her hand and pulling her down next to him. Her half-hearted threat affects him more than it should, so to reassure himself, he pulls Ino closer to him. She tends to play these games with him.
"Oh, nothing," the blonde replies, snuggling her face into the crook of his neck, "Just that I heard that your roommate and his lover boy are doing it on your bed, right now as we speak. I think that it's a problem that your roommate is getting more action on your bed than I am. I saw Kiba take his bed, though I have no idea why, so he has to be on yours-"
"We're going," Shikamaru says with sudden finality, grabbing his girlfriend's hand and dragging her upwards. The two (one almost stomping, the other barely catching up) make their way to their designated dorm, pushing past anyone in the way. Following up some stairs and down a couple of corridors, the two reach their destination of room 302, a door being the only thing which separates Shikamaru from tearing Naruto a new one.
"Ino, are you sure-"
The blonde smirks. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Wordlessly, Shikamaru throws the door open, immediately looking at his side of the room. With a gasp, a scantily covered Naruto hurriedly grabs hold of a few blankets and uses them to cover his muscled abdomen and exposed privates. Like Ino said, Naruto isn't even in his bed – who has the decency to taint their roommate's bed like that, anyway? – but unlike Ino said, there seems to be no sign of Sasuke anywhere.
Confusedly, Shikamaru notices there is no sign of Naruto's bed, either.
"Oh, hey…" the blond male shakily greets, forcing a smile on his face.
Shikamaru is not amused.
"So look, what had happened was Kiba pulled a prank on me and took my bed. Like literally, it's gone and I have no idea where the hell it is. So when I came back from my math class, I wanted to take a nap and behold! My bed isn't there! I figured you wouldn't mind if I slept on yours while you're not here, but I woke up and kind of forgot I was in your bed…and I had one of those things called a wet dream and so I just started…"
"Is Sasuke even here?" the brunet asks blankly. Naruto's eyes furrow.
"No. Why would he be here?"
"Cause you're screaming his name across the damn campus, that's why," Ino answers for her boyfriend, peeking her head into the room. Despite the awkward situation, she has a huge grin on her face. "How are we supposed to know you're just having some private time? It sounds like someone is actually in there."
The blond sports a huge blush at Ino's comments. Shikamaru is still not amused.
The brunet sighs. "While you are not fornicating with another person-"
"What the hell does fornicating even mean-"
"-I still do not appreciate you doing those kinds of things on my bed. I can pass with you taking a nap, but your DNA on my sheets is pushing it. Tell Kiba to give you your bed back. I'm going to give you five minutes to get off my bed, get dressed and leave this room before I consider switching roommates."
Not waiting for the blond's reply, Shikamaru closes the door and leans against the wall. Ino pats his shoulder in a comforting gesture.
"He's just a confused, growing boy. I figured those two had something going on, but I never pegged Naruto to be gay, you know? He was chasing Sakura for three years. He's in a hormonal crisis."
"He can have a hormonal crisis somewhere besides my bed. It is not my problem."
"At least he has hormones," Ino mutters, taking a stance next to her boyfriend. "We're here at your room, so when he gets out, we might as well make up for the past six days. I need a stress relief, Shika. If Sasuke and Naruto have sex before we do, I'm going to get an escort. You don't even have to move; I'll do all the work!"
"Should you really be having this conversation in a public hall?" a sultry voice drawls from behind Shikamaru, causing Ino to blush in embarrassment. The brunet looks over his shoulder, meeting familiar dark eyes and a superior smirk.
"Why are you even here? You live on the fifth floor," Shikamaru comments, raising an eyebrow.
"It's been a few days since I've seen the idiot. I'm making sure he didn't accidentally kill himself or run away."
Ino frowns. "I know you two are all over one another, but that is probably not the way to go if you want to get him in your pants."
"I don't have to like him. I just want him."
"Well, problem solved," Shikamaru drawls in boredom, crossing his arms. "He doesn't want you either; he wants something sexual but he'd like to have no outside partners. Does that sound good, because I don't want him masturbating on my bed screaming your name ever again."
Sasuke looks surprised for a moment, but as quickly as it comes, it vanishes and is replaced with the smuggest expression Shikamaru has ever seen in his life. "Is that so?"
"Yes. Please take him with you and keep him. His bed is missing, anyway."
"Shika, did you just kick your roommate out? Is that even allowed?" Ino questions timidly, slightly fearful of the new arrangements. "The percentage of Naruto's gay virginity remaining intact is about five. And what about your roommate, Sasuke? Won't he care?"
"Suigestu is never there. I can't remember the last time he ever spent the night in the room. I cannot think of a better idea. Shikamaru, despite your laziness, your genius title remains true. This makes things progress a lot faster."
"That's nice," the brunet says sarcastically, turning his head as the sound of his door opening echoes throughout the hall. Soon after, Naruto steps out in a rather baggy pair of sweatpants and a tight-fitting beater with a small ramen stain on it. He looks rather guilty, but Shikamaru pays it no mind. A proper way to forgive the blond is to leave him in the hands of his admirer for a couple of days.
That will probably teach him.
"The fuck are you here for?" Naruto shouts obnoxiously, pointing his finger at the newcomer, completely ignoring his other two friends.
"For you. I've come to pick up a stray that has just been kicked out."
"Kicked out? What the-"
"You masturbated in my bed, Naruto. You are not stepping in this room for at least two days," Shikamaru cuts in. Troublesome.
Naruto's face immediately becomes horrified. "Shika, I'm sorry but damn I told you-"
"I know. And I think I'm about to help you out. We don't want to whole hall to hear you scream Sasuke's name again, do we?" Shikamaru says dismissively, causing the blond's mouth to drop open and gape in shock. Sasuke takes this moment to take the blond by the forearm, forcibly attempting to drag him along. Naruto tries to escape Sasuke's clutches, but to no avail; and with his roommate staring at them, offering no help whatsoever, makes Naruto panic even more.
"Come on Shikamaru! I'll give you a foot rub or something!"
"Naruto, I tell you time and time again, I am not interested in your sexual advances," Shikamaru answers, taking Ino's hand into his. "I will see you around."
Naruto's screams abruptly stop when Sasuke finally gets him into the elevator and closes the doors. The hall immediately becomes quiet, relieving Shikamaru of an impending headache.
"So…" Ino drawls, tightening the grip she has on Shikamaru's hand, "does this mean we can have sex now?"
X X X
"I'm surprised he isn't back yet," Ino comments softly, running her hand through her boyfriend's hair. Shikamaru doesn't make a sound in reply, making the blonde stop her ministrations. The brunet male lets out a groan in protest.
"I want you to go check on him. I haven't heard or seen him ever since Sasuke dragged him off."
"Sasuke probably has him."
"But what if he doesn't?" Ino protests worriedly. "And Kiba hasn't returned the bed yet. Where in the hell do you even hide a bed?"
"I'm enjoying the peace," Shikamaru remarks, burying his head further into Ino's lap. The clouds have rather tough competition against the warmth of his girlfriend's body, something which he has been showing much-deserved attention lately (to his girlfriend's chagrin).
"Yeah well, I'm not." Abruptly, Ino removes herself from her boyfriend, making his head hit his mattress with a small thump.
"You're going to find him right now, Nara."
The brunet, resigned to his fate, lets out a mumbled 'troublesome' before climbing off of the bed. Ino offers him a small kiss on the cheek before pushing him out of the room and locking it immediately afterwards.
She doesn't even live there, how can she ban him from his own room? He supposes this is how Naruto must feel.
Silently, Shikamaru makes his way up to the fifth floor. When the elevator reaches its destination, Shikamaru begins his trek down the hall looking for Sasuke's name on a door. To his luck, Sasuke lives on the other side of the hall, isolated from the rest of the students. It suits him.
When the brunet arrives, he raps his knuckles three times on the door. Sasuke's voice comes from inside.
"Who is it?"
"Wait, Sasuke, what are you thinking-" comes a more high-pitched voice, but it is not allowed to finish its answer as Shikamaru opens the door. Once his eyes land on the occupants – not only Sasuke, but his MIA roommate as well – Shikamaru wishes he never listened to Ino and never gave a flying shit about other people.
"I'm enjoying my new…roommate," Sasuke directs to Shikamaru, sliding his hand into the blonde spikes bent before him. The two males are naked, pale skin contrasting against tan, with Naruto bent over Sasuke's desk and Sasuke attached to the curve of his ass, his dick definitely buried in a place Shikamaru never wants to explore.
Naruto looks absolutely mortified.
"What the hell, Sasuke!"
The darker-haired of the pair grabs a chunk of yellow hair and draws back. Shikamaru sees the shaft of Sasuke's engorged flesh, slick with some kind of lubricant, slowly pulling back and removing itself from his partner's anus. As soon as the head is the only part left inside, Sasuke roughly thrusts back in, causing Naruto's protests to immediately cease and be replaced with a deafening moan.
Shikamaru slams the door.
X X X
Since the previous day, Shikamaru has kept clear of the fifth floor. He has also demanded Kiba to keep the location of his roommate's bed hidden, because he really can't look Naruto in the face right now. Ino thinks it is hilarious and always teases him about it, while the brunet wishes he could somehow erase his memory of everything that happened.
However, to his misfortune, he has seen Sasuke once (who at the time, shot him a rather satisfied smirk). At least Naruto is relatively safe; Sasuke won't let anyone else touch him, and according to information from his girlfriend, Naruto has been staying in Sasuke's room.
Shikamaru supposes to some degree, he should be happy that everything seems to be resolved. He doesn't have to deal with the blond's whining, nor his constant denial of his attraction to his paler-toned counterpart. Naruto doesn't seem to be doing badly, or else he would've been begging to return to his room.
Shikamaru doubts he will come back anytime soon, anyway. When he met with Kiba, he requested the brunet to play another prank on the blond. After witnessing that unforgettable, homosexual scene between his roommate and his rival, something needed to be done. Shikamaru normally doesn't get himself involved in these types of trivial activities – but for this time, it is passable. It's not like he is doing the dirty work, anyway.
Kiba mentioned something along the lines of mixing mayonnaise with water and putting it in a condom, and then wrapping it around Sasuke's door handle. It would never trace back the Shikamaru. It would definitely piss Sasuke off, and most likely mortify Naruto, but Shikamaru finds it appropriate; he will never be able to forget walking in on the two. A small joke won't scar them for life.
After this, next year, he's going to need to find a new roommate.