+Hey(: This is so rough lol. I haven't written anything in so long…..but uh enjoy(:
Summary: "Where did you get those bruises?" Growing up and learning who you are, when everything around you is broken. AU Finchel.
Disclaimer: This is mostly about sex and abuse. cuss words. sexual themes, references, and scenes. of violence.
I remember tears streaming down your face,
When I said I'll never let you go,
When all those shadows almost killed your light,
I remember you said, don't leave me here alone,
But all that's dead and gone and passed,
"Where did that bruise come from?"
It's the first day of second grade when Finn hears the angelic sound of a girl's voice asking him a question. He looks up at her. His light, whisky colored eyes lacking the light that an eight year old should possess. The girl places a hand on her hip. Finn looks up and meets her gaze. He notices how dark her eyes are and how they match her shiny hair. "I musta fell down," He lies. The first of many lies he'd be telling throughout his school career.
Finn knows exactly where the bruise came from. He just promised he wouldn't tell. His mom and her boyfriend, Glenn, told him if he told he'd be taken away and some other family would treat him worse, that he has it easy here.
"Well, it looks like it must hurt," She gives him a sad look and he nods, rubbing it for added effect. The girl sighs and takes a seat next to him. Finn looks around awkwardly. He doesn't usually even talk to girls, let alone let them sit next to him.
"I'm Rachel Berry, and you are?" Rachel smiles and holds out her tiny hand for him to shake. He takes it shyly and a small smile grazes his lips. He notices how her smile is big and wide. She's missing a tooth right in the front, though; her smile isn't any less amazing.
"I'm Finn Hudson."
When his mom works, she leaves Finn alone with Glenn. He doesn't like Glenn. He's a big guy and he scares him. Especially when he's angry, because when Glenn gets angry, he becomes aggressive.
"You stupid little fucker! Get your ass in here!" Glenn yells to Finn who was in his room doing his homework. Slowly he treads down the hall and into the living room where Glenn is waiting for him. The older man has a bottle of whiskey clutched in one of his hands. He takes a big swig and his eyes narrow in on Finn.
"You left your fucking jacket on the fucking floor again. Are you really that stupid? How many fucking times do I hafta tell you to pick up your shit?" Glenn gets closer and closer to Finn. Bringing his large arm back then forward again as he delivers a strike across the child's face.
Tears sting Finn's eyes but he doesn't say anything. "That'll teach you," Glenn smirks then takes another drink from his whiskey bottle. Finn stays in the same spot and watches him take a cigarette out of its white box and light it with a lighter from his pocket. Finn just stares.
"What are you doing? Didn't I tell you to pick up your shit? I didn't mean later I meant now. Don't you ever learn? Come er'. I said come er'!" Glenn shouts. Finn still doesn't move which only angers the older man more. Finally willing himself to move he makes his way over to Glenn.
Finn's eyes trace over Glenn's face. From his dark curly hair to his glassy blue eyes then to his lighter dusting of hair across his chin and the cigarette hanging out of his mouth. The man grabs ahold of Finn's arm and pulls him close to him. He can smell Glenn's hot breath and it reeks. The alcohol stings his nostrils.
Just when Finn thinks Glenn's going to let him go, he feels heat on the top of his hand. It begins to burn and he tries so hard not to scream or make a sound, but a whimper escapes his lips. It makes Glenn laugh as he swiftly removes the cigarette from Finn's hand. "Don't be such a little wimp," Glenn rolls his eyes as he throws the little boy to the ground leaving the room.
Leaving Finn to weep silently and alone.
Rachel sits by him every day during class. It never fails. Every time he sits down, she's right there, smiling brightly and talking to him about Broadway and Barbra Streisand. Most of the time, he just listens. Finn loves the sound of her voice. It's soothing.
It becomes a regular thing. Her, him, them. Being together every day. They sit at the same table during class, they read together during reading time, and they play together during recess. Slowly but surely they become best friends.
Finn is quiet and doesn't talk too much, but Rachel makes up for it by talking nonstop. He secretly thinks she's a little crazy but likes to be around her. She makes him feel good. Especially when she's got that look in her eyes and she hugs him, and tells him that he can do anything he puts his mind to. She dreams so big. He wishes he could do that.
"Why can't we ever play outside of school?" Rachel asks him on the second to last day of second grade. Her eyes look so sad and he wishes he could give her an answer she'd want hear but he doesn't have one. There's a part of him that just somehow knows it's an awful idea to bring her to his house.
Finn sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "I'm just really busy and my mom don't like to have people over. Maybe I can just walk home with you after school? I bet my mom and Glenn won't mind," They both smile brightly at his idea. They hug and continue to play for the rest of their recess.
Later, as they gather there bags and jackets, Rachel tells him how much she thinks her daddies will love him. The school bell rings and they walk out of the building together. Rachel is smiling and walking confidently, but Finn's a little scared. He's never walked outside without an adult before. He's afraid that all those things about getting kidnapped and killed, that his mom told him about, could be true and could happen to them. Though, Rachel assures him it won't and takes his hand into hers.
They get to her house and her dads are a little shocked by the sight of him. "Dad, Daddy, this is Finn Hudson. My very best friend in the whole wide world! He came home with me so we could play," Rachel smiles and her dad's exchange a glance but quickly turn back to smile at the children.
Rachel takes his light jacket and places it neatly on a white chair in her living room. She beams at him once she's done. Grabbing his hand she pulls him upstairs to her bedroom but not before he hears one of her dad's say, "That poor little boy. He must have it rough at home. I actually hate to call his mom."
Ten minutes later one of Rachel's dad's, the one she calls daddy, shows up at her door smiling and holding a plate of cookies. "Hey kids," Leroy, Rachel's daddy, says warmly, walking closer to the kids, "I brought cookies. I thought you might want an afterschool snack." Finn gets a little nervous. Rachel's daddy is a big man, just like Glenn, and he doesn't like big men very much.
"Finn, it's very nice that you came over, but I think we need to call your mom and make sure it's alright with her that you're here, is that okay?" Leroy asks placing a hand on Finn's shoulder. The little boy recoils a bit causing the older man to quickly remove the offending hand from Finn's body.
Leroy crouches down eye level with the kids and pulls out his cell phone. "Do you know the number?"
Carole, Finn's mother, shows up angry. She grabs his shirt and pulls him out the door after telling the Berry's that she was very sorry for her son intruding on their evening. "You little shit," She laughs as they drive down the street, "She your girlfriend?"
He shakes his head no. Girlfriend? He doesn't even know what a girlfriend is.
"Good, you're still a kid. Girls shouldn't be important to you. But, she seems nice and cute too. I'll probably let you see her again. Better you there then being stupid at my house." Carole speaks loudly, laughing at the insult.
Finn just sighs. He knows he's stupid.
Finn begins to figure out that what's happening to him at home is wrong. A counselor comes in to talk to his fourth grade class about what a mom and dad should act like and the things they shouldn't say or do. He feels like he's having an out of body experience. He doesn't want anyone to know that this is the reason that he has his bruises, because of the people raising him. He feels like everyone in the room just knows, but that's not the case. No one really suspects a thing, except for one person.
Rachel, and she's sitting there looking at him. Her dark, young eyes filled with worry and wonder about what'll happen to her friend. Finn tries to look away, tries not to meet her soft gaze. He knows that she'll want to talk about all of this later. He's told her stories of the things that are done to him, but she's never commented. Rachel always just hugged him and told him that she promised everything would end up okay.
Though, he never believed her.
At recess she catches up to him. "You need to tell someone Finny." He can see tears in the corner of her eyes, but he doesn't say anything, just shakes his head no and stares at the ground. Rachel places her delicate little hand on his cheek, moving his face so he's looking at her. "Fine, if you won't let us tell, then it'll be my job to keep you safe. I promise. I love you." She smiles even though she's got a tear rolling down her soft cheek. His heart swells at her words. She loves him.
Finn can't help but feel like he's making her deal with thinks that ten year olds don't need to deal with. He wishes he could take away all of her sadness. He hates to see her cry, especially because of him.
Rachel softly touches his chest with her hand as he puts an arm around her shoulders as she cries lightly into his shoulder. The embrace is weird for him. She's so warm and tiny and he feels like he needs to protect her just as much as she feels like she needs to protect him. A teacher sees them and her face is hard to read. She doesn't look angry, but she doesn't look happy either. She looks at them for a few seconds more before walking to talk another teacher in secret, trying to discreetly point at them. Finn doesn't care though. He cares about Rachel a lot.
"I love you, too."
It's the middle of sixth grade when Puck first comes to him with the news. "So, guess what I did after school yesterday, dude. I kissed Santana Lopez behind the school building," Puck grins and runs a hand through his short Mohawk. Finn's been hanging out with him more and more often lately. He's really glad to have a friend who's a guy. It's, refreshing. Finn loves Rachel; just sometimes he doesn't think she understands his guy stuff.
And Puck does. So it works.
There's one night when he actually fears for his life. Finn's never been this scared. Glenn is so drunk and even his mom is frightened. The older man is yelling and thrashing around ready to fight. Carole looks at Finn then back at Glenn, and Finn expects her to help him. He expects her to do something, but she doesn't. Just looks at Finn, then looks back at Glenn.
Her mouth opens like she wants to say something, but she doesn't. Just stands there, mouth agape, waiting for the bad things that are bound to happen. Carole walks over to Finn and puts her arms around him and for once he thinks she might be trying to protect him. The thought leaves just as soon as it came.
"Hurt him and leave me out of this." She throws him to the floor and he lands with a thud. Finn is too shocked to move. He grabs his elbow and looks up at her, eyes pleading with her to save him. Carole has the slightest twinge of guilt on her face, but before she can act on it, she walks away. Leaving Finn alone with Glenn.
Glenn frowns at him. The line sin his face growing more prominent. "You're a stupid little fucker. I hate you. Everything would be great with your mom and I, if you weren't alive." Glenn slurs before delivering a blow to Finns face. The young boy tries to block it, but he can't. The fist connects to his temple and the rest is just a blur to him.
Finn makes his way down the hall to his room holding the telephone close to his chest. His breathing is labored and his whole body aches. He dials the familiar number and she answers on the third ring. "Hello, Finn," He can almost hear Rachel's smile through the phone and it makes him smile in return.
"Hey," He coughs and lays down on his bed slowly. Every part of him hurts, but he doesn't want her to know that. He needs her to think everything's fine. Finn hates worrying her.
He hears a sigh on the other end of the line. "It happened again, right? God, Finn. We need to tell someone. We can't just continue to let him hurt you. I'm here for you, always, you know that right?" Rachel's voice is strong and it's exactly what he needs right now. Her. He always needs her.
"Yeah, I know."
It's quiet for a moment before Finn decides to change the subject. "So, you know how I've been hanging out with Puck?" He asks her quietly.
Rachel lets out a breath of air she didn't know she was holding. "That wasn't what we were talking about, Finn." She clicks her tongue. Stubborn as ever. He just wants to forget and he can't forget if they keep talking about it.
"Well, he told me that he kissed Santana Lopez behind the school building." He told her. Rachel laughed a little bit and he smiled. Finn loves the sound of her laugh.
"I bet that's a lie Finn. Noah will say just about anything to look cool. Besides, how did he even know how to kiss?" Rachel wonders and it's a good question, one he wondered about too. He remembers Puck telling him that kissing a girl is one of the best things in the world. Finn also remembers him saying that he should kiss Rachel before Puck did it himself.
Well that definitely didn't fly with him. There was no way he was going to let Puck kiss his Rachel. "Puck said I should kiss a girl," He starts, sweat dripping down his forehead from being nervous, "He actually uh….said I should kiss…um…you…" Finn gulps quickly waiting for her response.
She's quiet for a long time, but finally, she giggles. "Maybe," She laughs again.
Suddenly, Finn's bedroom door opens and he sees his mom walk in. He tries to hide underneath the covers but she sees him and walks towards the bed taking a seat on the edge. She touches his leg softly and breathes deeply. He knows she thinks he's asleep. "I'm sorry," Carole begins putting her hand in his hair and rubbing gently, "Just, so sorry." She gets up and leaves without another word.
Finn doesn't really understand what just happened, but he talks to Rachel about it for the next hour. He asks her to sing for him before they hang up. The sound of her voice makes him feel at home in this world he's never felt he belonged in. She starts off slow and quiet. Singing a melody he's never heard before. She ends softly with a "Good night, Finn," then hangs up. He's left alone in the darkness and silence of his bedroom.
The next day, Rachel comes over to Finn's house for the first time ever. He didn't invite her, she just shows up. Her long brown hair braided to the side, she's wearing a cute little green dress she's wore to school a couple of times. At first, he smiles at her and he's glad to see her, but then, he's not. Finn's worried about what could happen to her if Glenn finds out she's here. "Uh, Hey? What're you doing here?" He asks quietly.
"I came to visit you silly!" Rachel smiles her huge grin and throws her arms around his neck in a hug. He's about five inches taller than her, so he has to bend down a bit for her. "I said maybe about the kiss, and maybe actually meant yes!" She sounds so excited and she winks at him. What the hell? Who is this girl and what has she done with his best friend? She walks past him her hips swaying skirt and he's confused. This is possibly the weirdest thing that's ever happened during his twelve (almost thirteen, thank you.) years on this earth. The weirdest part isn't even her. It's him and the way his body is reacting to her.
Lately he's been noticing some changes to himself. Like he just had a pretty good growth spurt, he's actually 5'5 and still growing! Plus, he's been getting excited. Or at least that's what Puck calls it. Puck told him it was completely normal and not freak out like a freaking pansy ass that he's just starting to realize how hot girls are.
A blush spreads across his face and she turns to face him. "So, what do you want to do?" For the first time ever, he notices her as more than just Rachel his best friend since grade school. He sees her more as Rachel a really pretty girl that he doesn't think he would mind kissing.
Finn guides her up to his room and a million different scenarios run through his head, a bunch of which he doesn't even really know about. It's weird; he's never had a girl in his room. He's never had anyone in his room actually. "This is my room," He says lamely. Rachel nods taking a seat on his bed.
She came here to kiss him. She came here to kiss him. She came here to kiss him. "It's nice," Rachel comments looking at all the posters he's got hanging over his cowboy wallpaper. She stands up and makes her way over to him. He watches her swallow and he can tell she's nervous.
Placing her hands on his shoulders she tilts her head up so he can see she wants this and she's ready to kiss him. Finn can feel himself sweating. He remembers watching a movie where the guy put his hand on the girls face before they kissed. So, he tries it. Lightly placing his hand on her cheek, he leans down and pulls her lips to his. It's simple and sweet and everything two kids could hope for in a first kiss. They don't even get a chance to pull away before the bedroom door opens.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Glenn yells and laughs when the kids separate quickly.
So many things run through Finn's mind. His first thought is to protect Rachel at all costs. Glenn can do whatever the hell he wants to him, but he doesn't get to touch her. Finn quickly jumps in front of Rachel, shielding her from Glenn's sight with his body.
"I didn't know you were into girls Finnocence. You going to fuck her?" Glenn asks laughing loudly and stumbling more into the bedroom. Finn is so stunned with shock. Is he going to fuck her? He doesn't even know what that word means. He's heard it a couple of times but never bothered to find out the meaning.
"Come on out, Princess. Let me see that pretty little face. You guys started touching yet?" Glenn keeps being weird and scary and Finn continues to keep Rachel's body behind his. He can feel her shaking and he knows she's scared. Finn's really sorry. He knew it was a bad idea to let her in the house, he just couldn't help it. She looked so cute and he wanted that kiss more than anything.
Glenn furrows his brow and his mouth forms a line. "Are fucking brats gonna answer me or just stand there all day?" Still no answer. "Fuck. Finn come er', now." At first Finn doesn't budge, but after a couple of seconds he nervously makes his way over to Glenn. The older man raises his fist in the air and before he can deliver the blow, Rachel squeaks and tears fall down her soft cheeks.
"No! Don't leave him alone, you….you jerk!" She shouts. Glenn rolls his eyes and knocks Finn to the ground. Rachel screams and runs over to Finn. She holds him close to her body as the sit on the floor. Finn's head is bleeding and Rachel whispers soft murmurs of reassuring words to him. Things like; you're okay. And, It'll be over soon, shhhhh calm down. Tears ran down his cheeks and he tried to wipe them away but it wasn't worth it.
Glenn looked at the sight before him with a blank expression. "You kids are too dramatic." He scoffs and exits the room. Leaving the two alone to think about what has just happened. Finn feels a lump in his throat as he looks up at her defeated face. He's never seen her look like this. Her eyes are dark and lacking the brightness they usually have, and he's sorry, just so sorry that he's the reason that she's lost some of her childhood innocence.
"I'm so sorry," Finn all but whispers. It's barely loud enough to be considered audible, but Rachel hears it and smiles at him, tilting his head to place a kiss on his cheek.
"It's okay, you're okay. I love you, you know that. I'll always be here for you. Through thick and thin, it's you and I, okay?" Rachel runs her fingers through his short brown hair. He gives her one of his signature little half smiles and it's enough. She knows he loves her too. Even though he didn't say it back right then.
"Rachel and I kissed." Finn confesses.
"Seriously? Nice one." Puck smiles at him as they get ready to go to lunch.
"Then Glenn walked in…." Finn trails off.
"Ouch dude….I bet that didn't end well." Puck laughs and Finn just frowns. Puck doesn't even know the half of it.
"Uh no. Not at all." He says rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
"Oh well, you got to kiss her. So, I guess it all worked out pretty good." The mohawked boy smiles again and walks out of the classroom. Leaving Finn to stand thinking that Puck doesn't understand how bad things were and probably never will. No matter how good of friends they become, he will never be someone Finn can tell his secrets to.
Rachel's the only one who gets to know his secrets.
"Glenn told me he walked in on you and that Rachel girl sucking face. I guess it's time one of us gave you the talk. I'll probably have Glenn do it since he's a boy like you. If we can even consider you a boy," Carole laughs.
Finn stares at her. "What's the talk?" He asks her, looking a little worried. She rolls her eyes at him and he continued to look at her obviously not understanding.
"Obviously the sex talk. You do know what sex is, right?" Carole asks holding back an amused giggle. Finn shakes his head no and Carole bursts into a fit of laughter. "You're stupid. How old are you now, twelve? And you don't know what sex is? Wow. Just, wow." Finn sighs. Is it really that bad that he doesn't know what sex is? He has heard Puck talk about it a couple of times. How he's watched this videos and people were having sex in them, but Finn didn't ever really know what that meant. He secretly wonders if Rachel knows what it is.
When Glenn gets home from work later, they take a seat on the couch together. "So your mom told me it's time for you to have the talk. She's probably right, considering you kiss girls now, you little shit." Glenn smiles a cheeky grin and Finn feels like the man in front of him is actually proud for once. He likes that, making the guy that's basically been his dad for years, finally proud of him.
"Alright, so you wanna know what sex is little Finnocence? Sex is the most wonderful thing in the whole god damn world. If a woman will spread her legs for you, then you want her. Do you think your little girlfriend will spread em'? Oh probably, you lady killer!" Glenn is being loud and Finn is still confused. Sex, is a woman spreading her legs? That doesn't make sense…he knows boys and girls are different, but why do they have to spread their legs?
"Now let me explain how it works my boy. You take your little penis, that would be your little area down there, and stick inside of her pu….lady areas. You got me? Now here's the downside. You come inside her without a condom and you could knock her up, you don't want any little Finnegans do you? Didn't think you did. So remember, always wear a condom or pull out before you blow your load. Understand?" It all sound so gross. If that's what sex is, Finn doesn't want to have it. Ever.
Though, maybe it is a good thing. Glenn made it through a whole conversation without hurting him. So sex makes Glenn proud? If that's what it takes, he might consider doing it, at least once.
"It's okay you know. That you didn't know what sex was. Some of us have to learn the hard way dude, I'm glad you didn't have to know so soon. Keep your mind clean as long as you can." Puck's hard gaze hits him like one thousand bricks. Maybe he's right. Maybe, Finn is lucky to have kept a sliver of his innocence for as long as he could. He's glad he talked to Puck. He usually knows what to say.
Though, he's still curious. And Finn wonders if maybe Puck understands him a little more than he thought.
Four days later, Finn shows up at Rachel's house so they can hang out. It's summer, the worst part of the year. Summer means Finn has to be home all the time. Rachel answers the door in a pretty white sun dress. Her dark locks curled and framing her face. "Finn!" She shouts, engulfing him in a hug. She acts like she hasn't seen him in days, when in reality, it's probably only been maybe four hours.
"Hey Rach," he smiles into her hair.
Rachel grabs his hand and drags him into her house. "Did you have an amazing last day of school? I did! Oh it was so fantastic! Kurt and I decided we were going to hang out a lot this summer! I can't wait! Oh, Finn, you'll just love Kurt! I just know it." Her voice is filled with excitement as she takes him into her bedroom. They sit on her bed and talk for hours about nothing and everything.
Finn wonders to himself if this is how it's always going to be. Rachel and him. He smiles at the thought. "What's on your mind?" She asks, looking at him in that way only she can. Making him want to tell her everything that has ever bothered him.
"Do, do you know what sex is?" He asks.
She tenses momentarily then slowly shakes her head yes. "After Glenn walked in on us, um kissing, my mom decided I needed to have the talk. It was really gross sounding. I just don't see why Glenn thinks it's such a big deal. He acted proud of me Rachel, when he found out we kissed. He just seemed real proud." Finn confesses to her like he always does.
She nods. "Sex is a big deal. It's something that is shared between two people who love each other very much. It's supposed to be done when you're married. My daddies said it's how babies are made! Isn't that exciting? Babies!" She smiles brightly and all he can think about is how much he wants her to have his babies.
Seventh grade brings big changes. He realizes that everyone but him already knew what sex was. He's the most uneducated loser in his class. He tries to tell Glenn how upset he is, but Glenn doesn't listen. He just slaps him across the face and tells him to watch porn or something. When Finn wants to know what that is Glenn rolls his eyes and just tells Finn to leave him the fuck alone.
He gets beaten pretty hard that night. Finn can't help but be sad that he still can't seem to be enough in Glenn's eyes.
Kids stare at him a lot. Finn's kind of a giant compared to all of them. He knows they whisper about him too, not just stare. He hears them when he walks down the halls. Look at him, he's got bruises everywhere. It's weird for him, to hear and just know they're talking about him. I feel sorry for him. He only has like two friends. Everyone is too scared to really get involved in all of his obvious baggage. Yeah, whatever, he doesn't really care. Finn doesn't need those people. They all don't mean anything to him. Rachel means something to him and Puck too.
Finn's pretty sure they're the closest he'll ever get to a real family.
Finn starts to notice changes in everyone again. He's gotten taller, more built; he isn't that lanky kid he used to be. He's about to turn fourteen. He especially notices the changes in the girls. They all start to develop. He finds himself staring at the swell of Rachel's breasts when she wears tight shirts and that are cut low.
One night, he finds himself thinking about her in ways he never has before. He thinks about what it'd be like to touch her breasts. It makes him a little hard. Something that's been happening more and more frequently. He tries to hide it, but most of the time his mom or Glenn notice and they make fun of him and call him disgusting or laugh. It hurts, but what have they ever said that didn't hurt?
It's a Sunday afternoon when he decides he wants to die. He's just gotten the shit beat out of him for the third time that day and he wonders if maybe things would just be better if he was dead. Finn calls Rachel and tells her he wants to do it.
"You can't. Finn if you won't save yourself for you, please do it for me." Rachel all but begs. Finn sighs.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever said anything." He frowns.
Rachel quickly protests, "No! Finn, I'm glad you told me. I just want to help you. Let's tell someone what's happening to you. Can we, please?" He can almost hear the pout she's making. He can tell she's crying. Finn really didn't mean to make her cry.
"We can't Rachel. They'll take me away. From here, from school, from you. We can't let that happen. You mean so much to me. Promise you won't say anything." He says as he swallows a lump in his throat.
She breathes shallow breaths as she calms herself down. "Promise. I just don't want to see you hurt yourself. That's letting Glenn win, Finn. Don't let him win. You're strong. I know you're a fighter. If you won't tell anyone about this, then at least promise me you won't hurt yourself. Please," Rachel pleads.
"I love you, you know that right?" Finn says quietly. It's the truth, and he knows she just wants him to be safe.
"I know, and I love you too."
"What happened to his eye?"
"I don't know, I heard that he got into a fight."
"Looks like whoever he fought won."
"I feel kind of bad for him. He always looks so sad. Maybe it's something more serious?"
"Quit worrying so much. He probably just got his ass kicked. He is kind of weird."
"Okay, I just think we should keep an eye on him."
Finn overhears the conversation between a guy and his girlfriend when he's at the library. His black eye can't be that bad, can it? He sighs and grabs the book he needed looking in their direction. They are looking at him, the girl giving him a sympathetic smile and her boyfriend shaking his head.
He walks away. Hoping that they don't ever see him again. If they do, he's not sure they'll like the things they see.
He doesn't like the things he sees.
"I'm going to be on Broadway one day." Rachel tells him one afternoon when they're hanging out during their freshman year. They'd been talking about their futures and everything they wanted to do when she blurted it out. "What do you want to do?" She wondered.
"I want to do whatever I can to get the hell out of here." He laughs even though it's completely the truth and he's never wanted anything as much as he wants to get out of here.
"You will, and I'll be there to help you do it." She squeezes his hand and sighs lightly kissing his lips to show him that she's there. It's been happening more and more often. Their stolen kisses, though Finn figures it's just a friend thing
It's night and Finn and Puck have been sitting on Puck's porch. The mohakwed boy is plastered, Finn's just been drinking soda. He doesn't think he'll ever want to drink. He doesn't like the way alcohol makes people act. "I remember us talking one time a long time ago dude, and you told me it was good I didn't know about sex and that I was lucky because some people had to learn the hard way. What did you mean by that?" Finn asks Puck randomly one day. He doesn't know what made him think of it, probably the fact that he'd been meaning to ask for years just never found the right time until now.
Puck sighs and looks at him sadly. "You want to know why I'm the way I am, Finn? Why I have sex with a ton of girls and why I don't trust nobody?" Finn nods slowly waiting for Puck to continue. "Because, my uncle molested me from the time I was two year old until I was ten, bro. It sticks with you. And that's why. You were lucky, you didn't have to have those memories or learn about things the way I did." Puck slurs. Finn figures the only reason Puck's opening up is because he's drunk. Though Finn doesn't care, he likes knowing about his friend.
"I'm sorry that happened to you," Finn says quietly.
Puck just brushes it off and shrugs. "No big deal. It was a long time ago, I'm over it."
"It's eleventh grade math, not rocket science you stupid little fucker." Glenn sneers when Finn asks him for homework help. Finn figures he should've known better than to ask, but he really needs to pass, so he doesn't have to do summer school. So if that means asking the most horrible guy in the world for help then so be it.
"I can't even help you, you're so stupid. Do I need to knock some sense into you?" He asks before slapping Finn across the face. Immediately Finn's hand finds its way to his red cheek. He holds it and looks down at the floor.
He hates Glenn. Finn hates him more than he's ever hated anybody.
It's midnight and he's sneaking down the hallway to his mom and Glenn's room holding a baseball bat in his shaky hands. This is it. This all ends tonight. He'll never have to worry about Glenn ever again. He opens the door quietly and walks over to the bed.
The adults are sound asleep. Finn's pulse is racing and his breathing is shallow and nervous. As he lifts the baseball bat high above his head he wonders how long he'll go to jail for. He wonders what Rachel will think of him and how long he'll be separated from her. Finn wonders if his mom will hate him even more.
All of the sudden, it's as if he realized exactly what he's doing. Backing up slowly, he runs out of the room clutching the baseball bat close to his chest. How could he even consider doing something like that? This isn't him, he's not the kind of guy that would kill someone, is he? The sobs overtake his body as he drops the bat on the floor. No one ever has to know about this.
No matter how much you hate someone, you never try to take their life, it's not fair.
The first time he gets really jealous he's seventeen and it's junior year. Rachel walks into school wearing an insanely short skirt and a fitted sweater. Guys are looking at her like she's a piece of meat and quite frankly it really pisses him off. Finn walks up to her and her friend Kurt an angry look in his eyes. "You can't dress like this," he starts. Rachel looks up at him with her big brown doe eyes and his chest feels all tight and his heart starts beating faster. "You're getting unwanted attention" She opens her mouth to protest when Puck walks up.
"Whoa baby, who knew you, was hiding such a body," Puck winks and Rachel's face grows pink with an embarrassed blush. "I want a little piece of that." His words make Finn get even madder. Without really thinking it through he grabs Puck by the collar of his shirt and slams him against a locker.
"Don't dark about her that way." Finn seethes. He hears Rachel's quick scared gasp in the background and immediately releases Puck. He sees a look in Puck's eyes that he's never seen before, but as quickly as it came, it's gone again. Then, something surprising happens. Puck starts laughing and claps Finn on the back with a shit eating grin on his face.
"Didn't know you had it in you, dude. I knew you had a thing for Rachel, but I didn't know it was that extreme." Puck teases. Rachel looks up at them with surprise and Finn finds himself not being able to look her in the eye.
Finn rubs the back of his neck, his nervous habit. "I don't have a thing for her," He lamely denies avoiding eye contact from everyone. Kurt clears his throat and the conversations quickly from the awkward moment that had just transpired to some club he wanted them to join. Finn wasn't really listening he was too busy thinking about what Puck had said.
At the end of the school day, Finn feels someone touch his shoulder while he's putting books inside his locker. He turns to see Puck standing there staring at him. "I'm sorry about earlier." Puck says quietly as he stares at the floor.
"It's okay, I'm sorry too." Finn apologizes
Later, Rachel shows up at his house. Her smile is small and she bites her lip in unusual way. "Are Glenn and your mom home?" She asks without even saying 'hello'. He nods mutely, staring at her with a smoldering gaze. The same one he's receiving from her. Quickly she grabs his hand pulls him into his home. They stop and the living room and motions for him to take a seat. Her eyes have lost the initial spark she had when she arrived, and Finn's disappointed.
"We need to talk," Rachel starts, sitting on the lazy boy and crossing tan legs. "What happened earlier, with Noah," She trails off, not sure what to say. She looks at Finn hoping he has something to add, but he doesn't.
She continues once she realizes he isn't going to be contributing to the conversation. "I don't want things to be awkward between us, Finn. You're my best friend. I know we're getting older. The way we think of others is changing. So it's completely understandable if you find me attractive." Rachel stumbles on her words and gulps.
After not being gone long, the gaze from before comes back. Her eyes grow dark with mystery and Finn finds himself wanting. She walks slowly towards him, her hips swaying ever so slightly. Finn's looking up at her from the couch. He feels something inside of him heat up. His heart is beating so fast and he can feel his pulse racing.
She leans down and her chest touches his just barely, but enough for Finn to be painfully aware that it's happening. He feels Rachel's hot breath in his ear as she grips his shoulders. Her hair tickles his face and he takes in a sharp nervous breath. The moment is intense and he can feel her body shaking. "Was Noah right? Do you have a thing for me?" Her voice is husky and he can hear the lust dripping with everything she says.
Finn feels like his entire body is on fire. He tentatively reaches one hand out and places it on her hip, looking up at her, his eyes searching hers for the permission he needs. She places a small kiss to the corner of his mouth. He intertwines his fingers in her hair and pulls her gently down for a real kiss. He's never done this, kissed someone like this. He's only ever kissed one girl. Rachel, it figures his first heated experience would be with her.
Their tongues fight for dominance as he pulls her into his lap. They part and she places her forehead lightly against his rubbing her hand up and down his arm, feeling his hard muscles beneath her fingertips. For one second, Finn's mind wanders from lips on his chin and jawline. He forgets about left hand that has found its way to his chest.
Before this can continue, he has to stop. Finn's brain won't stop questioning it. No matter how grateful he is that it's happening, part of him needs to know her reasoning. "Why?" He chokes out, his voice deeper than usual. He cups her face in his hands and tilts her head up so their eyes meet.
She kisses him fiercely once before answering. "Why not?" She smirks, leaning him back against the couch cushions, straddling his hips. She takes his hands and places them on her lower back. Finn knows she can feel how hard he is and blushes with embarrassment. He pulls her down to him to kiss her lightly.
"That wasn't an answer." Finn says.
"Don't you want this?" Rachel questions with a pout that drives Finn crazy, though he knows he can't focus on that right now.
"Of course I do," He whispers, "But why do you all of the sudden want this?" Finn asks, because for some reason he really needs to know.
Rachel touches his face with her tiny hand. "I, um, I just wanted to experiment," She won't look him in the eyes and he knows this runs deeper than wanting him. She's using him and suddenly he's mad. He gently places her on the couch and stands up, trying his hardest to hide his erection.
"I think you need to leave," His words are cold. His eyes are dead. Rachel nods before leaving. He watches her walk out of his house and wonders if at some point in the future they'll talk about what just happened. Part of him hopes not.
He lays awake that night thinking about her. Glenn and Carole are in a yelling match downstairs, but he tunes them out with the sounds of his loud thoughts. He has to wonder when everything changed, when his feelings for her started to run deeper than friendship.
Finn figures it was somewhere between the first I love you and their first kiss. He begins to question their entire relationship. Does he have feelings for her? Has he always had feelings for her, just never realized what they were until now? He knows there's a word for it. One he's afraid to use. One that's never had this much meaning behind it.
Love. Is that what this is; is he in love with Rachel? A part of him thinks yes, that he is very much in love with her, that he's always been in love with her, but part of him thinks no. With love, comes pain. If you let yourself fall in love with someone you end up hurting them or they hurt you. That's what he's learned. It always works that way. He can prove it too.
Christopher Hudson must have loved his mother at one time, considering he was born, and look what happened. Christopher left, leaving his mom to raise a baby all alone. He's never really asked a lot of questions about Christopher, from a young age his mom had informed him that his father was a low life who didn't care about him and it seemed to make her mad when Finn brought him up, so he just didn't.
Finn's never known his mom to be happy. Ever since he was a little kid he's known her as the chain smoking, depressed, alcoholic who never gave a flying shit about him. Part of him wonders if his mom has ever been happy. Or if her entire life she's been stuck in the rut that caused her to act the way she does. Another part of him wonders if Christopher made her that way. By him leaving he caused her to fall deeper and deeper until she didn't give a shit about life anymore.
Look where that's gotten her. Now she's in a relationship with an abusive douche bag. And that's all the proof he needs. Glenn hurts his mom in more ways than one and she claims to love him. Claims that he's the best thing to ever happen to her, but Finn knows that can't be true. Actually, more hopes. If Glenn is the best thing to ever happen to his mom, then she must've never had an actually good thing happen to her.
Finn can only really think of one good thing that's ever happened to him and that's Rachel. Meeting her was a miracle. He isn't sure that he'd be able to make it through without her. She keeps him grounded helps him breathe when he feels like there's no air left. Without her, he'd be depressed.
Part of him wishes he hadn't pushed her away. That part of him aches for her. The feelings that he's kept deep down inside him are finally letting loose. The feelings are strong and they want him to go to her. Go talk to her and tell her he's sorry for pushing her away.
The rational part of him knows she was just using him. She just wanted to experiment. What the fuck? She wasn't being the Rachel he knows. She wasn't being the girl he can depend on for everything. She just wasn't being her.
Plus, he still doesn't understand the sudden change. They'd never been anything to each other besides a best friend. Why would they ruin that now? The answer is they don't.
Falling completely and utterly in love with her would mean losing her and that just can't happen. The downside is, it already has.
The end of junior year is the loneliest and most depressing five months of his life. Finn pushes Rachel away completely. Won't take her calls, won't talk to her at school, and won't even look at her. He claims it's because he's angry at her for what happened in his living room, but he secretly knows that's now why, though he won't tell.
"I think you should just forgive her. It's been so long. She misses you bro." Puck looks at him sadly.
"I can't. You just wouldn't understand," Finn sighs. He's never been good at telling anyone besides Rachel how he feels.
Puck pats him on the shoulder. "I know I don't understand. That's why you need her. No one will even understand you like she does. And I swear if you tell anyone we had this pansy ass talk I'll kill you." He threatens with a friendly smile.
Finn nods, but he doesn't care. He can't talk to her. He just can't.
"Fuck you! Fuck you, you little fucking bastard!" Glenn yells as he pushes Finn down to the floor. His face smashes against the hard wood floor. His head begins to throb. Finn looks up at Glenn slightly, afraid to look him in the eyes.
Finn begins to crawl forward, trying his hardest to get out of the living room. "Come back er' ass hole. Face me like a real man. You were the one who brought this upon yourself. I said come er'!" Glenn all but screams. All Finn did was tried to protect his mom. Even though she has never tried to protect him, he still felt obligated to try for her. He had come home to find Glenn hitting her, tears streaming down her face. He yelled at Glenn to stop and called him all sorts of names. This in turn, made the older man angry.
"You think you're such a big man? You think you have the right to disrespect me?" Glenn spits at him as he grabs Finn's collar and pulls him up eye level. By now, Finn's seventeen. He's tall, awkward, and not very good on his feet. Glenn is still about an inch taller than he is and intimidates him with his sheer size. "Well, do you?" he seethes.
Not saying anything, he stares at the ground, praying that his mom will save him, just like he's prayed many other times. Though, once again she doesn't. Carole never comes down to save him. Which isn't any surprise at all. Glenn balls his other hand into a fist and punches Finn in the eye. The younger man recoils and closes his eyes. "You aren't a man. You're just a coward who will never do anything right." Glenn throws him to the floor again and walks out of the room mumbling under his breath.
Finn grabs the chair to support himself as he tries to stand up. His head hurts and Glenn's words almost sting more than his beatings do. He limps towards the front door and barely makes it out without falling. He can feel blood trickling down the side of his face, but he doesn't have the energy or the motivation to wipe it.
It feels as though his feet have a mind of their own as they lead him down the familiar road to a house that he's been to so many times before. Once he reaches the front yard, he stumbles and uses the mail box for balance. Finn has a choice to make. He can either stand outside all night or he can actually go up to the door.
Trudging through the neatly trimmed grass he finally makes it to the paved walkway leading up to the door. Finn trips over a rock and falls down, hitting the concrete hard. Everything inside of him is shouting for him to cry. You know you want to cry. He doesn't though; he gets himself back up, like he's done on many other occasions.
Finally reaching the door, he rings the doorbell. Within a couple of seconds it opens and there's Rachel standing looking confused. "Finn what're?" She starts, but he doesn't let her finish. He didn't come here to talk. He came here to use her just like she used him. All at once, he's pulled her in for a searing kiss. At first, she doesn't respond to him, but eventually she reciprocates. He places his hands behind her back pulling her closer to him.
She pulls away momentarily to look at him. "What happened?" Rachel asks sadly places a tentative hand on his bruised face. Finn can't speak. This isn't what he wants; he didn't come her for a therapy session. He kisses her roughly slamming the front door and backing her against it. He kisses his way down her throat as he hears her gasp out his name. He smirks and continues his attack on her throat and jawline.
"Let's go upstairs. My dads are out of town but if they come home early to us doing, this in the living room….I will be dead." Rachel tells him as she grabs his hand leading him up the stairs.
This all seems so familiar, yet totally new at the same time. Rachel opens her bedroom door and quickly shuts it after he enters. Finn grabs her hand and pulls her near him. He puts his hands on her lower back pushing their bodies together. He can feel himself getting hard, really hard, and he knows she can too.
He grinds his hips against her and she moans his name. It's one of the most amazing sounds he's ever heard and he needs her to do it again. He continues to rock his hips and once again she does it. One of his hands finds its way to her stomach, going up underneath her shirt to trace the underside of her breast. Rachel's breathing gets shallow and Finn moves his hand underneath her bra to play with one of her nipples. She moans again throwing her head back.
Finn doesn't really know what to do from here. He's never been this far with a girl and he doesn't want to do the wrong thing. He trails his hand back down and takes of her shirt. He can now feel Rachel's little hands go underneath his shirt to slide up and down his abdomen.
Rachel's face is red and she's a little embarrassed by her chest. "You're beautiful." Finn says in between the scattered kisses he's placing on the valley between her breasts. Her hands tug on his shirt and he gladly takes it off, throwing it to the side. They kiss again and he picks her up, legs wrapped around his waist, leading taking her to her bed. Finn lays her down gently and kisses down her chest all the way to her belly button.
He sees the buttons on her shorts and wants to undo them, but before he can he has to make sure she's okay with this. "Do you want this?" Finn asks. Rachel bites her lips and stares at him momentarily before closing her eyes and nodding. He unbuttons her shorts and his hands are shaking as he slowly pulls them down her tan legs. He kisses the inside of her thigh lightly and trails kisses all the way back up to her lips.
Rachel's hands find their way to his plaid shorts and she unbuttons them, hastily pulling them down his legs. Finn's boxers are tented. He blushes a little, but she laughs lightly and smiles kissing him sweetly on the mouth. Finn's almost done with all the sweet. He wants this to be rough and not mean anything. He wants to feel like a man, to prove something. But he knows that won't happen. This won't mean nothing, because it's with Rachel, it will mean everything.
His hands travel behind her back to unhook her bra. It takes him a couple of tries, and she eventually has to help him, but it gets undone and they take it off her revealing her breasts. Rachel's face is bright red with embarrassment, but he puts an end to it. He kisses her lips and smiles at her before taking a nipple in his mouth. Her head falls back as she takes in a quick sharp breath. "Finn," She practically screams. Finn laughs and mentally does a little happy dance because he can make her sound like that.
Once he's finished sucking and nipping at her nipples he kisses his way down her abdomen until he reaches the top of her pink panties. He kisses her hipbones before pulling her underwear down her legs. Once she's completely naked, Rachel seems to get some more confidence. He'd basically been the one doing everything, but she takes some initiative and sits up to kiss him roughly on the mouth. She places her hand on his boxer covered member. She's the first girl to ever touch him down there, and he's afraid if she continues this will all end too quickly.
Finn moves her hand and leans her back against the bed. He squirms out of his boxers. Rachel sees his large penis for the first time and looks a little scared. Her thighs are parted and he settles himself between them. "I love you, so much Rachel," He croaks out, "You tell me if I hurt you, and I'll stop." She nods and he slowly pushes himself into her.
It hurts a lot for Rachel. She begins to cry, so Finn doesn't move. Staying still so she can get used to him. He kisses her face and wipes her tears away, holding her body close to his until she tells him everything is alright. Which she does a few moments later. Rachel moans and bucks her hips into his. "Move," it's one word, but the way Rachel says it drives him wild.
She grabs his hand and moves it down between her legs to touch a spot that makes her moan loudly and before he knows it he can feel her legs tighten around him and her walls begin to flutter. She comes and it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen. He follows closely behind her, spilling into her a couple of seconds later.
His whole body feels limp and now he's tired. He rolls away and covers them up with her blanket. He hears her crying next to him and he's worried. "What's wrong?" Finn asks putting an arm around her pulling her close to him.
"You used me, right? This had nothing to do with you and me; it had everything to do with you, right? God, how could I be so stupid," It seems like some sort of realization has dawned on her as she gets up and starts searching for her clothing.
"Rachel, it's not what you think," he starts but she cuts him off with a glare.
"It's not what I think? You didn't say I was wrong, so it must be true. Why? Why would you do this to me? After everything we've been through. I know we hadn't talked in a few months Finn, but that was your fault. You're the one who wouldn't talk to me! This was a mistake. I can't believe I let myself think you actually love me, again." She's sobbing and Finn gets up and pulls his boxers on looking mortified and unsure what to do.
Finn looks at the ground ad sighs. "I do love you. It was a mistake not talking to you, Rach. I miss you so much and I needed you tonight and you were there for me like you always are. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn, because your friendship means more to me than anything." He can feel his face getting hot and frantic tears slipping down his cheeks.
Shaking her head she laughs dryly. "Get out," Rachel whispers as she looks at the floor. Finn doesn't move so she says it louder. He nods and grabs his stuff leaving her house. He gets dressed in her front yard.
He shakes his hand and laughs to himself. Fucking of course. He's managed to screw everything up again. Just, fucking of course.
"I made a big mistake." Finn says into the phone as soon as Puck answers. It's about three o' clock in the morning and when Puck first answered he sounded a little pissed, but once he heard the urgency in his friend's voice he softened a bit.
"Okay bro, what happened?" Puck sounds groggy but at least he's there and listening.
Finn wipes a tear off his face because he's a man and men don't cry. "I had sex with Rachel." He whispers.
"And the problem is?" Puck wonders and Finn gets a little pissed.
"And the problem is that I used her, or I was planning to, but then it wasn't about using her anymore, it was about being with her and," He sighs because he can't find the right words to describe how he's feeling and what he means.
"So you didn't use her?" The boy with the Mohawk asks.
"I don't know. All I know is that we got in a fight and now she hates me. I can't lose her again, dude. I just, can't" Finn's shaking and it's taking everything he has to hold in the sobs that want to be released.
Finn can hear Puck breathing, but the other boy doesn't say anything. Eventually Finn thinks he's fallen asleep, and he's about to hang up when he finally says something. "Talk to her. If you love her as much I think you do, you'll talk to her and prove that you're who she needs and that you didn't mean to hurt her."
"She's avoiding you," A small timid voice tells him on a Thursday. Finn looks over to see Kurt standing next to him. The smaller boy's face is hard to read. He looks angry but also sympathetic. Finn nods because he knows Rachel is avoiding him. Every time he tries to talk to her she walks away and acts like they're strangers. "You really hurt her. She loves you, and you were the only person she never expected to let her down." Kurt finishes and leaves.
He didn't mean to hurt her.
"Finn, we need to talk," Rachel tells him after what feels like forever of them not talking. He agrees because he misses her so much and he just wants them to get back to normal. He needs them to get back to normal. "I'm so sorry," She cries and pulls him in for a hug. Finn doesn't get why she's apologizing when he's the douche who hurt her.
He kisses the top of her head and sighs. "Don't be sorry, Rach, you didn't do anything wrong. It was me, all me. Let's just put this behind us, please, I need you and miss you so much." Finn says hugging her tightly, afraid she'll leave again and he'll never talk to her.
Rachel shakes her head and tears slide down her cheeks as she cries a little harder. "You don't understand. I'm, oh my god, I'm pregnant Finn." She explains. He feels his whole world crash around him. Pregnant? He opens his mouth to say something, but he can't form the words. There's too much to say. How is he supposed to express everything he's feeling to her right now? He decides not to. By the way she's looking at him right now he can tell that she needs him to be there for her like she has been there for him every time.
Pulling her close he wraps his arms around her tightly. "It's okay; everything is going to be okay. I'll get us through this, I promise."
At home, Finn cries because this is all so much. How is he supposed to take care of Rachel and a baby when he can't even take care of himself? How is he supposed to juggle school, a job, and a family? He doesn't think he'll be able to do it. He'll just be a disappointment. He's never going to be enough for his kid. Ever. And he's sorry.
Carole walks in on Finn curled up crying into his pillow. "What're you doing?" She asks softly, walking over and taking a seat on the edge of his bed. Carole places her hand on his leg and he rolls away from her. She sighs and scoots more onto his bed. "Finn, talk to me." It's the first time in what seems like forever that she's tried to act like his mother. It actually pisses him off. What makes her think that after so long she can act like she cares about him?
"Please get out," Finn says in between sobs. Though she doesn't budge, she continues sitting on the edge of his bed. He sits up and sees tears falling down her cheeks. He thinks she must've come in here for something but he doesn't know what.
Carole smiles sadly at him. "You get out of school next week, aren't you excited? You're going to be a senior next year. I remember how excited I was to be a senior. That's actually the year I met your father," She starts, smiling slightly. Finn frowns. He doesn't want to hear it.
"What do you want mom?" He asks coldly. Wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. She grabs his hand and squeezes, closing her eyes and crying softly to herself. This one time, he decides not to pull away, he lets her find comfort in holding his hand. After a few minutes she looks up at him and opens her mouth to speak.
"I'm so sorry Finn. I've been such a terrible mother to you. You deserved so much better." She touches his face with her hand and Finn shakes it off. He doesn't have the energy to make her feel better about herself. He's got bigger problems to worry about.
"Rachel's pregnant with my baby," Finn says firmly. He's no longer crying, because he doesn't find any point to it anymore. This is real and this is happening, crying won't change it or solve any of his problems. Carole looks at him with a look of shock on her face. Something's different about her. This mom isn't the same mom that he's had his whole life. Something has changed, he just doesn't know what.
Carole sighs and shakes her head crawling up on his bed to lean against his wall, bringing her knees up against her chest. "I remember being pregnant with you. I was only nineteen, and I was so scared. I thought that there was no way Chris and I could raise a baby. We were to young and stupid. So, the plan was to give you up for adoption. I cried every night over that decision. You weren't even in the world yet, and I just already loved you so much. When you were born, I looked down at your little face and you had light brown hair like mine and your eyes, they were light and you were just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I made a decision right then to keep you." She smiles tearfully, recalling the memory.
Finn laughs dryly, "I wish you had given me up."
Carole ignores his comment and continues. "We decided to name you Finnegan Christopher Hudson, because your grandfather on your dad's side was named Finnegan, and we thought it would be a nice way to honor him since he died of cancer before he ever got to meet you. And he was probably the most supportive and the most excited that you were going to be born. Christopher obviously came from your father." She looks over at her son who's staring at the ground thinking about everything she's telling him.
"I left your dad when you were six months old. We fought constantly because I was becoming a drinker and he didn't think you needed to be around someone like that. So I left him, I packed up all of our things and moved us from Cincinnati to the little town of Lima. I never thought Chris would be able to find us here, and I was right." Carole explains. Finn starts to get a little angry.
"You left dad? All because you wanted to be able to be an alcoholic?" Finn asks through gritted teeth. He wants her to get out of his room. He needs her to leave so he can think.
"Finn, I'm so sorry. You have no idea how much I regret everything. I'm starting new; I'm getting our lives together. I kicked Glenn out. I couldn't stand to see what he was doing to us anymore. He's gone Finn, he moved back to California to try and get back together with Pamela, his ex-wife. You don't have to be afraid anymore, baby. And I'm getting help, too. I'm not going to drink anymore." Carole is still crying and Finn doesn't know what to say. This is what he's been waiting for, for so long. It's his out. The one Rachel and he have been searching for since they were kids. No more Glenn means he can try to salvage what's left of his broken life and attempt to be normal.
Carole smiles at him and touches his face softly before getting up and leaving the room. Leaving Finn to think about everything. Where does he go from here?
He shows up at Puck's house unannounced. "Hey bro, what're you doing here?" Puck smiles at him and invites Finn into his house. Finn isn't smiling and the mowhawked boy can see this is going to be another serious conversation. He sighs and takes a seat on the couch. "What's going on?" Puck wonders.
"Rachel's pregnant dude," Finn confesses, trying his hardest not to let any tears slip down his cheeks. Puck's face becomes hard to read as he nods.
"You better be there for her. I know you're fucking scared as hell, but be better than you had. Does that make sense? What I mean is, you got the suck ass end of the deal when it came to parents. You're dad isn't around, your mom is a bitch, and Glenn is a fucking ass hole. Be better for your kid. I know you can be." Puck tells him. Once again, Finn's glad he came. Just like any other time he needed Puck's advice, it always happened to make him feel better.
At school on Monday, Finn spots Rachel at her locker. "Last day of school is Wednesday, you excited?" he smiles down at her and she frowns. Obviously not wanting to talk to him. Finn sighs and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say next. "I don't want you to hate me, Rach." That gets her attention.
"I don't hate you," She starts quietly, looking at the floor, "I'm just angry." She looks up at him; her dark brown eyes look tired and sad. Finn can tell she's been crying a lot, and he feels bad, he never wanted it to be his fault she cried.
"I know and you have every right to be angry with me. I just want to talk to you. Like really talk to you. About everything. I miss us being able to do that. I miss you." Finn tells her exactly how he feels. It's the truth, he wants to talk to her badly. He thinks that's the only way to salvage their relationship. If they sit down and just talk.
"Yeah, okay. Meet me outside the school as soon as the final bell rings." She smiles and touches his hand before walking away.
Finally the last bell rings and Finn makes his way to the steps where he finds Rachel waiting. She smiles and hugs him. "Hey, how was your day?" She asks. Finn shrugs and the two walk towards the parking lot.
They idly chat for a while more until the reach Finn's truck and sit inside it. Mentally preparing themselves for everything they have to talk about. "Finn, I hope you know that we can't pretend like this isn't happening. I'm pregnant, and as hard of a fact as that is to grasp, we have to deal with this." Rachel sighs and looks at the floor of the truck a protective hand placed on her stomach that will someday soon have a growing bump.
"I know. Rachel, I will support you one-hundred percent on any decision you make about the baby," Finn assures her.
She nods and turns to face him. "I don't know what I want to do yet. I'm just so scared. And what about our futures? This was never in the plan," She admits a couple of lose tears streaming down her cheeks.
"You were always a part of my plan. Even when I was a kid, I could never picture my life without you in it," He tells her calmly letting out a nervous breath. All of these feelings are so much harder to deal with than he had ever imagined, but he loves her and he's going to be there for her and the baby no matter what.
Rachel smiles sweetly at him. "I love you. I always have, Finn. Even when I was a little girl and didn't really understand the whole love thing, I knew I loved you and knew I always would. There's nothing I could ever do to change that." She kisses his cheek and he smiles, for once feeling hopeful that everything could finally work out.
Finn begins to realize something about life. You never know how things are going to end up. Finn never expected to meet a little girl in the second grade that would change his life forever. He definitely never expected to fall as hard for her as he did and he never expected his mom to leave Glenn, not for a million years. Life is full of huge surprises and miracles. There's an old saying, god only gives you what you can handle, and Finn truly believes it.
There would've been no way Finn would've ever made it through without Rachel. She was the glue that held him together through the train wreck that is his life. She's the one who gave him light in world full of darkness.
She was and continues to be his everything.
They decide to keep the baby, their daughter. She's born a couple of months after the decision is made. As soon as Finn sees that little face he's so overcome with every great emotion possible. He's so happy to be able to say that his child was born into a world where she's wanted and loved. Unlike he was.
She's crying and screaming entering a new world. Her cheeks are little and pink and she's just so tiny and fragile. Finn's afraid he might break her. The nurses take the baby and clean her off. They bring her back wrapped in a little pink blanket and a matching pink hat. Finn's heart melts; she's already got him wrapped around her little finger.
Rachel is crying with joy as she places kisses on the tiny girls face. "Hope," She mutters as she stares down at her brand new daughter. Rachel looks up and Finn a minute later and says it again, "Hope." Finn thinks it's perfect. What better name for their daughter than Hope? He can't think of a better one, that's for sure.
It's at that moment, as Finn stares down at little Hope Hudson, that he decides he's going to be the very best he can be for her. Hope and Rachel are like his second chance at happiness. With them, he feels like he might have a fighting chance to move on with his life and to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together in a perfect fit. This is his life; he's in control of it. He's not going to let bad memories of alcoholics with hard fists ruin it, because Hope is perfect, and he'll die before he lets her experience anything that he did.
"Hope," Finn repeats after Rachel.
Hope. Maybe that's all he needed to finally realize the he had the potential to get out all along. Just like Rachel had been telling him for years. Finn doesn't know what the future has in store for his family and him, but he does know that he will keep them safe and protect them at all costs. He also knows that he loves Rachel and everything about her and that she's been it for him since the very beginning because no one will ever love him and understand him the way she does.
Rachel stares up at him, his eyes filled to the brim with tears as he stares at his beautiful little baby girl. She grabs his hand and looks down at the little round scar that formed from a cigarette. Rachel kisses it lightly and squeezes his hand letting him know that it's over and he's right to move on. Hope opens her little eyes and looks at him.
Her light whiskey colored eyes possessing all the light a baby should.
Just close your eyes,
The sun is going down,
You'll be alright,
No one can hurt you now,
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound….
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