a/n Lol, this is very silly. Hope you enjoy it! xoxoxoxo, Wings:)
Summary: Who knew board game night was going to be so epic? Wherein Naruto falls in love, Sasuke loses Scrabble, Sakura's house is trashed, and Hinata becomes Naruto's shield—literally. Guest appearances by Soul Eater characters. NaruHina crack giftfic for JOHNXgambit:)
"Fuck no, Idiot, I'm not coming to board game night." Sasuke crosses his arms over his chest and glowers down at his room-mate-slash-prison-warden-slash-best-friend.
"Come on, Bastard, it won't be that bad. Besides," Naruto whines, "I can't leave you home alone—baachan said so."
Sasuke snarls, but he knows that Naruto is right: ever since coming back to Konoha and coming under house arrest, he's had to be with Naruto. Constantly—as in twenty-four-fucking-seven. It's a chafing situation for the Uchiha, to say the least.
"Fine, dead-last," Sasuke snaps. "But I will kick your sorry ass at any board game you choose."
"That's it, Sasuke-kun, unleash your inner nerd!" Naruto taunts, running ahead of Sasuke and out of range of his enraged fists. Thankfully, Sasuke is not allowed to use Jutsu until his probation is over, and thus, Naruto is able to evade his irate and socially retarded room-mate (slash-prisoner-slash-bromance) until they arrive, panting for breath, at Sakura's house.
"There better be alcohol," Sasuke grouses as Naruto knocks on the door to Sakura's house.
"What? Can't tarnish your 'bad boy' image by playing Rummy sober?" Naruto scoffs over his shoulder.
Before Sasuke can offer a retort, Sakura opens the door. "Eh, Sasuke, I didn't think you liked board games," Sakura blurts out.
"I don't," Sasuke snarls, pushing in through the doorway. "Do you have any alcohol?"
"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura chides, "You're on probation! No sake for you. But I do have orange juice?" Sakura smiles sheepishly and wishes that she had thought to stock her fridge with tomato juice and other tomato-like substances, so as to appease Sasuke.
"Hn." Sasuke flops himself down on the couch and crosses his arms over his chest. "Let's just get this over with so I can go home."
Ignoring Sasuke's attitude problem, Sakura chimes, "So Sasuke! What do you want to play first? I have—"
"Scrabble," Sasuke mutters. "I'll play fucking Scrabble."
"Oi, Bastard, I suck at that game!" Naruto whines. "I was hoping we could play Chutes and Ladders."
"Tch. That game is for pussies."
"Oi, you fucktard! Scrabble is for pussies—"
"Enough!" Sakura roars. "We'll play Scrabble. Now shut up and sit the fuck down!" The house rumbles with her shout; the pictures hanging on the wall shake.
Naruto and Sasuke sit the fuck down.
"So," Sakura says sweetly, taking a beat-up box of Scrabble down from the shelf, "I invited Hinata and Neji over as well, so we'll have to form teams—"
"I'm not with the Idiot," Sasuke snaps.
"Aw, come on, Sasuke!" Naruto whines. "Why the fuck not?"
Sasuke rolls his eyes. "You said it yourself—you suck at this game."
"I never said that!" Naruto roars, but before he can attack Sasuke, Sakura glares at him; Naruto sits back down. "Whatever," Naruto huffs, "I didn't want to be on your team anyway. Hey Sakura-chan—"
"Oh, there's someone at the door," Sakura chimes, neatly avoiding having to be placed on Naruto's (losing) team. "It must be Neji and Hinata! I'll go get it!"
When Hinata enters the room, her face flushes (predictably) and she twiddles her thumbs (also, very predictable. Damn it Hinata).
"Oi, Hinata, you're smart—you'll be on my team, right?" Naruto shouts. Without waiting for an answer, he rushes forward and takes Hinata's arm, which makes her vision go blurry and her knees buckle. Naruto doesn't notice and escorts Hinata to sit next to him on the couch, at which point, she almost has an apoplectic fit.
"Naruto," Neji growls, "don't touch my—"
"I-it's a-alright N-neji-n-niisan," Hinata stutters (predictably).
"Yeah, Naruto will need all the help he can get," Sasuke snickers, picking his tiles and neatly arranging them on his slate.
"Fine," Neji mutters, "but if you hurt Hinata-sama, so help me Kami, I will gentle fist your ass out of existence." Sasuke pretends to cough, but he is unable to stifle his laughter; his shoulders shake uncontrollably.
"Oi, Uchiha, what the hell is so funny?" Neji shouts.
"Nothing. Nothing at all," Sasuke manages through his snickering. "It's just that your Jutsu sounded…really…really…" Sasuke pauses dramatically and adds, "…gay."
"How dare you mock the Hyuga!" Neji shouts, but he is stopped by Hinata.
"Neji-niisan," Hinata mumbles, "that really did s-sound…really…really…g-gay."
"Let's just play the damn game," Neji grumbles. "If Hinata is on Naruto's team, that means the rest of us don't have to pair up—"
"All the same," Sakura purrs, "would you want to be on my team, Neji-san? I haven't lost a game of Scrabble ever." Sakura bats her eyelashes and scoots closer to Neji on the couch.
"That won't be necessary, Sakura-san," Neji replies evenly, immune to Sakura's (lack of) womanly charm. "I'm perfectly capable of—ouch!" Neji looks up at Hinata, who has just stomped on his foot. Hinata levels him a glare. "I mean…sure, why not," Neji mutters to Sakura, whose face immediately brightens.
"Good!" Sakura squeals. "That means Sasuke is going down."
Naruto, at this point, starts giggling uncontrollably. "S-sorry," he sputters, "it's just that…that sounded…really…really…heterosexual."
He is regarded by four blank stares. "What?" Naruto demands. "It was funny when you guys called stuff gay, but I like, can't make a joke by calling something heterosexual?"
Hinata shakes her head from side to side. "C-come on, Naruto-kun. Let's pick our t-tiles…"
Soon, the game ensues. Sasuke, pursing his lips, is the first to place his tiles on the board: HATE.
"Aw, Bastard, that's a shitty way to start the game," Naruto moans. "You hardly opened the board up at all!"
"Tch. No double word score for you, loser," Sasuke mutters. "Stop complaining and take your turn."
"All right, all right. Here," Naruto shouts, slapping his tiles down in rapid succession: PUSSY.
"Um…um…N-naruto," Hinata stutters, "that's a w-waste of our two S's…"
"Also, it's perverted," Sakura mutters.
"It's not perverted! I just like cats! Like, you know, pussy cats," Naruto yells.
Neji stands up and glowers at Naruto. "Idiot! How dare you play a perverted word while on the same team with Hinata-sama! So help me Kami—"
"What, you're going to gentle fist his ass?" Sakura deadpans. "Sit down Neji—stop being gay for Naruto and help me figure out our next word."
"I—you—he—what?" Neji sputters, sinking back down into his seat next to Sakura. "Oh, nevermind," Neji says at last, shaking his head. "Here, let's play this…" Neji slaps down his tiles: HYUGA.
"Fucker, that's an illegal move—proper nouns aren't allowed," Sasuke mutters, sweeping Neji's tiles off of the board. "Try again, Team Retard."
Neji stands once again. "Uchiha, how dare you offend my honor! So help me Kami—"
"Talk about double fisting me with your gentle jutsu, and I will kill you," Sasuke mutters, menacingly staring down Neji with his Sharingan eyes. "Sakura. Play your turn."
Sakura's face is puckered, as if she's just eaten sour grapes. "Geezus Loueezus Neji, sit back down," she mutters, pulling on Neji's sleeve. Rolling her eyes, Sakura puts out her word: BISHONEN.
"Bam. Bishonen!" she triumphantly shouts.
"That's not in the fucking Scrabble dictionary," Sasuke mutters. "I object—"
"Read it and weep," Sakura retorts, handing him the official dictionary. "Thanks for being my partner, Neji. I'd have never thought of that word if you—"
"What! What do I have to do with girly looking men?" Neji interjects, but Sakura ignores him.
"Anyway, we cleared our slate, so we get fifty bonus points," Sakura says. "Also, we have a double word score and a triple letter score, so that brings me and Neji up to one hundred and forty points."
"The fuck? That's unbelievably hax'd!" Sasuke wails. "I demand a recount!"
Sakura arches an eyebrow. "Sharingan boy is telling me I'm being hax'd? I rue the day," she remarks dryly. "Count out our points all you like, bishonen, 'cause it's going to be one hundred and forty points."
"Did you just call me a fucking bishonen?" Sasuke yelps. "I am not a girly man—"
"Yes, yes you are," both Neji, Sakura, Hinata and Naruto chorus.
"Now take your turn, asshole," Naruto shouts. "Hinata and I have an awesome word!"
"Tch. Fine," Sasuke mutters, playing his word: PAIN. "Double word score."
"Good job Sasuke-kun; that's twenty points," Sakura replies, tallying his score in her notebook.
"The fuck? Why is that only twenty points? How did you score one hundred and forty in one turn, but I—"
"Get over it, Bastard," Naruto breaks in. "Okay, okay, Hinata, play our word!"
Hinata smiles nervously and displays her tiles on the board: BITCH.
"Hinata-sama!" Neji shrieks, his voice sounding quite girly (and bishonen-esque).
"What?" Hinata asks, her eyes wide and guileless. "It just means female dog—that's what Kiba told me."
"Nice job, Naruto-kun, Hinata-chan," Sakura says, totaling up their score. "That's seventy points."
"The fuck!" Sasuke roars. "How the fuck does their lame-ass word get more points than mine?"
But Sakura ignores him, for she hears a loud thumping sound. "Oh shit, I think someone's knocking at the door," Sakura muses. "Did you guys invite anyone else over? No? Huh. Wonder who it could be…"
While Sasuke double-checks Sakura's (impeccably tallied) scoring card, Sakura opens the door. "Hey…can I help you?"
Without waiting to introduce themselves, a short blue-haired kid strides into the room, dragging a tall and curvaceous woman behind him.
"Yo, a chick named Hyuga Hinata here?" the boy asks, crossing his arms and glaring at the present company.
"Er…sorry, excuse my partner, he's a bit rash," the tall girl mutters, raking a hand through her long dark hair. She elbows her partner in the side and continues, sheepishly, "Hi! I'm Tsubaki and this is Black Star; we're looking for—oh," Tsubaki breaks off, once she sees Hinata.
Before Tsubaki can continue, she breaks down into tears and rushes towards Hinata: "Neechan!" she cries, weeping on Hinata's shoulder.
"Neechan?" Hinata echoes, having no idea who this person is.
"Whoa, Hinata, your sister is hot…" Naruto muses. Hinata colors at that, because if Naruto thinks her (mysterious) sister is hot, then maybe he'll think that she is hot, too.
"Wait, you're Hinata's sister?" Sakura asks skeptically, looking Tsubaki up and down. "I mean, I see the resemblance, but—"
"It's true then!" Neji breaks in, jumping up from his seat. "Hinata-sama, I'd always wondered about the rumors regarding your (nameless) mother. It seems like the rumors are true—she had other children in another anime series!"
"You're a weapon, just like me—just like our mother who Kishimoto refuses to name," Tsubaki says at last, pulling away from Hinata. "We've come all the way from the kingdom of Soul Eaters to see if you have gained your weapon state!"
"And to crash board game night," Black Star adds. "Speaking of which, you guys are playing Scrabble? That game is for pussies."
"I know!" Naruto replies, jumping up from his seat. "Chutes and Ladders is waaaay cooler."
"Oh my gods, it's a blue-haired Naruto doppelganger from another universe," Sasuke moans. "Sakura, Neji, please take your turn so I can go home—"
But Sasuke is (predictably) ignored. Sakura, delighted at the turn of events, claps her hands together and calls, "This is wonderful! Hinata and Tsubaki are long lost sisters, together at last! Do you guys want to join us for Scrabble?"
"We'd be—" Tsubaki begins.
"Aw, hells no," Black Star interjects.
"—Delighted," Tsubaki finishes, clasping her hand over Black Star's mouth. "But first, Hinata-chan—have you achieved your weapons form? Dr. Stein, who has frightening similarities to a bipolar zombie, needs to know for his research," Tsubaki explains. "Something about making the most awesome and hax'd weapon-slash-Byakugan-entitiy, like, ever."
"I—er—have no f-fucking clue w-what you are t-talking about," Hinata mumbles.
"Black Star," Sakura says, "why don't you team up with Naruto and let Tsubaki and Hinata catch up?"
"Tch. Naruto is going to lose Scrabble for sure if Naruto version two-point-oh is going to team up with him instead of Hinata," Sasuke grumbles.
"Shut up, you bastard!" both Naruto and Black Star chorus.
There is a moment of silence.
"Epic win," Sakura mutters. "Okay, Neji, our turn."
"We'll be back in a little bit!" Tsubaki calls as she and Hinata exit. "Behave yourself, Black Star!"
"Yeah, yeah," Black Star mutters, picking his nose.
"Okay, I've got the perfect word," Neji says, placing his letters down: KONOHA. "That's a double word score."
"The fuck, Hyuga? That's another proper noun. Challenge," Sasuke shouts. "Take your double word score and blow it out your ass."
With a disgruntled sigh, Sakura collects the letters and rearranges them: HONK.
"Sick," Sakura says, "that's a triple word score. Eighty-seven points. Your turn, Sasuke-kun."
"How the fuck is that possible! What kind of Scrabble-hax'd jutsu is this!" Sasuke cries.
"Shut up and play your turn," both Naruto and Black Star chorus in unison.
There is a moment of silence.
"Again, epic win," Sakura snickers. "Play your gods-damned turn, Sasuke-kun."
"Fine, fine," Sasuke grouses. "Check out this word." He loudly slaps his tiles down on the board to spell: DETEST.
"Not bad, Sasuke-kun. Fifteen points," Sakura drawls.
"The fuck! Fifteen—" Sasuke begins, but Neji cuts him off.
"Kami damn it, Sasuke, if you don't shut up—" Neji starts, but Naruto, in turn, cuts Neji off.
"That joke is played, Neji—played. Hey, Black Star, let's play this word."
"Aw hells no, that word sucks," Black Star replies. "Let's play this word—"
Pandemonium breaks out as Naruto and Black Star squabble over their tiles. Black Star, who is arguably more bad-ass and buff than Naruto, aims a punch right at Naruto's head, but unfortunately, misses and takes out a large chunk of Sakura's (expensive yet garish) couch.
"The fuck, you Soul Eater fucktard! That's my couch!" Sakura cries, joining in the fray. She lands a drop-kick on Black Star, which also, unfortunately, dislodges a lamp from her end table that shatters on the floor in the process.
Naruto ducks under Black Star and plays his word on the Scrabble board: HAX.
"You moron!" Black Star cries. "That word sucks—it isn't even in the Scrabble dictionary!"
"Your challenge to your own teammate is sustained," Sakura cries, smacking Black Star over the head with the Scrabble dictionary. "Play a different word."
"I fucking will!" Black Star shouts, not perturbed. He slams down two tiles on the board: XI. "Eat that," he gloats. "Triple letter score on the 'X.' That's fifty points, because I lined it up with an existing 'I' and then placed another 'I' at an angle."
There is a moment of (predictable) silence.
"That can't fucking be a word," Sasuke shouts. "I challenge!"
"Eat it Sasuke," Sakura mutters. "It's in the Scrabble dictionary—"
"Fuck the Scrabble dictionary! That book is hax'd!"
"Again, Sasuke-kun," Sakura mutters, "this coming from the boy who has unbelievably powerful Jutsu coming out of his ass—er, eyes."
Enraged, Sasuke screams and knocks the board off of the table with a sweep of his hand. Sakura, angered that board game night has just been ruined, lunges for Sasuke's jugular with her manicured nails.
Meanwhile, Black Star, who is busy picking his nose, accidentally puts a wad of green mucus on Naruto. Beside himself with disgust, Naruto smacks Black Star over the head with a priceless (yet tacky) antique; when Sakura realizes what has transpired, she stops kicking Sasuke in the spleen and lunges at Naruto instead for breaking her tacky (yet expensive) vase.
Neji is backing away slowly; however, as he hears Sasuke calling him a bishonen, Neji, too, joins the fray. "Bishonen?" Neji calls incredulously, "I'll show you bishonen, you fucking fuck fuck!"
"Yes, Neji, you will show us who's really bishonen around here, won't you—girly man!" Sasuke screeches.
Just as Neji wraps his hands around the graceful curve of Sasuke's neck for a good throttle, that's when Tsubaki and Hinata enter the room. Hinata, having mastered her weapon's form in the space of five minutes, is now scantily clad in a skin-tight leotard that mirrors her new sister's get-up. Surprisingly, when Naruto sees Hinata, his face flushes and he is stunned to the point of asphyxiation: Hinata is hot.
However, while Naruto is distracted, Black Star takes the opportunity to throw a chair at Naruto's head.
Everything that happens afterwards happens in slow motion.
"Noooooooooo!" Hinata shouts, taking on her weapon's form and jumping in front of Naruto: she transforms into a metal shield. As the chair comes crashing down, it ricochets off of the shield and hits Black Star square in the face. Stunned, he passes out on the floor at Hinata's feet.
"Um…can we get a medic over here?" Tsubaki asks, sheepishly.
Meanwhile, Hinata transforms back into her new, totally smexy self.
"Whoa, Hinata, that was totally sweeeeeeeet!" Naruto calls. "Want to go on a date with me?"
Hinata, dying of happiness, passes out and falls into Naruto's arms.
"Epic win," both Sakura, Neji, and Tsubaki chime in unison. Sasuke cannot answer: he is currently passed out in a puddle of his own blood. Likewise, Black Star is unconscious. The brawl is apparently over.
"All right," Sakura mutters, shaking her head from side to side, "let's see who won Scrabble." She digs under a pile of broken furniture, Sasuke's bloody teeth, and torn up pages of the Scrabble dictionary (which is a useless fucking dictionary anyway, so no loss there), until she finally locates her score sheet.
"Final scores," Sakura calls, "Sakura and Neji: five thousand points."
"That's fucking impossible!" Sasuke sputters, coming to life indignantly.
Ignoring him, Sakura continues, "Naruto and Hinata, two hundred and sixty points."
"All right babe, we came in second!" Naruto calls to Hinata, who is still swooning in his arms.
Neji jumps to his feet and shouts, "Do not call Hinata-sama 'babe,' or so help me Kami—"
He cannot continue, for Sakura punches Neji in the face: he commences to passing out in a pool of his own blood. "And, coming in last place," Sakura cries, "with seventy measly points, Uchiha fucking Sasuke."
Sasuke blanches. "You mean…"
"You lost, you bastard!" Black Star and Naruto call together.
"Epic fail," Sasuke mutters as he falls back onto the bloody carpet.
"Hey Tsubaki," Hinata says, "would you and Black Star like to have a double date with me and Naruto? I have a craving for ramen right about now..."
"Hey, don't forget me and Neji!" Sakura says as she slaps Neji awake. "We're down too—make it a triple date."
"I've got to bring Sasuke-kun though," Naruto says apologetically. "Tsunade-sama's orders. The bastard is still on probation."
Sakura laughs at that. "Ha, Sasuke, you'll be like, the third wheel!"
"More like the seventh wheel," Neji mutters as he comes to.
"Oi, bastard, you lost Scrabble and you get no pussy!" Naruto laughs.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Sasuke cries, passing out once more in a pool of his own blood.
"Alls well that ends well," Hinata laughs.
"Fuck yeah, babe," Naruto replies. "Let's go get ramen."
(Of the worst crack fic I've ever written)
(Reviews—or more likely flames—welcome T-T)