Disclaimer: DragonbuttZ, the Furry Network's newest original wank-fest sitcom, is not nedthejanitor's.
Thanks yet again to brighttalonrose for the suggestion of Burter and jcogginsa for the suggestion of Pigero. Y'all both keep it real.
THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!
"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Wolf N. Downcox. The N stands for 'no.' Before we begin, I'd like to discuss yesterday's tragic suicide. We revived that fool. Now, with no further announcements, let's start the show. Our contestants are new returning champion Monster Carrot…"
"Hey, hey, hey!" Monster Carrot said in his best Fat Albert impression while he raised them in the air like he just didn't care. His ears, I mean.
"Please never, ever do that again. Today's second contestant is Burter, who I can't believe we haven't had on the show yet since we're in the throes of trawling the bottom of the character list for one-episode guys like… well, Monster Rabbit."
Burter, of course, did an absurd pose. What did you think he was going to do, shave his head? Fool's bald. "Burter of the Ginyu Force!"
"Yes, thank you very much for letting everyone know what, uh, force you belong to. That's important information. Our final contestant is Pigero."
"Yeah…" The now middle-aged Pigero said with as much forced enthusiasm as he could… force.
"Yeah, indeed. I didn't even remember you existed until today. Pigero, for those of you who aren't aware, was that one guy that Gohan met while he was training with Piccolo. Pigero was the guy trying to keep a village full of orphans from being adopted. And he was portrayed as a hero for this. Dragonball Z, ladies and gentlemen."
"Smart ass…" muttered Pigero.
"Today's categories are…"
DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS
WHEN ASSHOLES ATTACK CHILDREN
SPECIAL BEAM CANNON
THE CELL GAMES
"Monster Carrot, you can start us off."
"I would like The Cell Games for $500."
"Starting off with a category only you would have knowledge of? You smooth bastard, you."
The very first person to challenge Cell.
…BZZT! "Well, you're all wrong. It was… uh…" Justin looked at his cards briefly. "Ah, here it is. Curoni. I should probably get him and Piroshki to be on the show. That'd be pretty funny. Anyway, Monster Carrot, the board is still yours."
"Same category for $400."
"Still confident? Damn, son, you're either brave or… well, actually, you don't get penalized like you do on the original show for picking a category and then not trying to answer. So, you're just wasting everyone's time. Like me."
One of the Cell Jrs briefly held this character hostage in an attempt to prevent Gohan from killing him.
"Who is Baldy?"
"Specify which one."
"Who is Krillin?"
Monster Carrot: $0
"That is correct! I'm impressed, Burter."
"It was a guess. I figured, if anyone's weak enough to get held hostage, it's baldy."
"And you would be right. Pick yourself a category, Burter."
"I'll take 'When Assholes Attack Children' for $100."
Cell made a concentrated effort to beat an explosion of power out of this youngster.
BZZ! "Burter, again!"
"Who is Gohan?"
Monster Carrot: $0
"Damn, Burter, you're really on top of things today."
Burter did a celebratory pose, and Justin's goodwill immediately vanished. "I've seen that kid explode with power before."
"That you have. Take another pick."
"Same one for $200."
Krillin was killed for the very first time by this henchman of King Piccolo.
BZZ! "Monster Carrot."
"Who is Tambourine?"
Monster Carrot: $200
"Congrats, you're back in the game and you have the board. Pick something real swell."
"I want the Cell Games again, for $300."
"Haven't had enough of losing in that category yet?"
"Shut up! I'll answer correctly, those two were just flukes!"
"Jesus. You know, it's always a fluke with you people."
Monster Carrot's face turned red, but you couldn't tell because he had fur. "You people?! I will have you know something, us rabbits have contributed-"
"I meant DBZ characters, you fuckwit."
Goku stood up in the audience. "Us DBZ characters have contributed greatly to society! Also, Monster Carrot isn't even a DBZ character; he's a DB character! Much less Z-ier than us!"
Justin put his hands up like that Neil DeGrasse Tyson meme. "Okay, fine, I get it, I'm sorry. It's not like you weren't a 'DB' character once, too, Goku."
"Good point. I'm sorry too."
"Thank you. Monster Carrot, please just pick a category."
"I already did!"
"Oh… what was it?"
"Cell Games for $300!"
"Ah, trying your bad luck again, hrm?"
Burter snapped. "You've already snarked on his choice of category, just fucking get on with it!"
Goku used this move in tandem with the Kamehameha wave to destroy half of Cell's body.
"You need to check your facts man. Hercule was the guy who defeated Cell, not Goku."
Monster Carrot: $200
"Pigero, your answer was wrong in many, many different ways that would take too long to explain to you. So I'll just say your 'answer,' for lack of a better word, was incorrect and lost you an extra 100 because you didn't phrase it in the form of a question."
"…Uh, okay, then."
"Anyone else want a crack at it?" BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"
"What is the Instant Transmission technique?"
Monster Carrot: $500
"That is correct."
Before Justin could get another word out, Monster Carrot turned to Pigero, bending over the podium to see him. "Hey, man, do you really not remember when Goku blew up half of Cell at the tournament and Cell just got back up?"
Pigero smacked his forehead in a 'duh' moment. "Oh, yeah! I remember that now! It was pretty impressive, but man, I'm glad Hercule stepped in. That Goku guy was clearly not good enough to finish the job."
Justin could tell that Monster Carrot was itching for a serious debate with Pigero, and while that was obviously something he had coming, it couldn't come here and now. After all, without Hercule's blackmail checks, there's no way Justin could pay his rent. Hell, he couldn't pay them WITH the checks. CDs are just too damn expensive these days.
"Monster Carrot, stop dicking around. Pick something right now."
Monster Carrot eased away from the podium and sighed. "Whatever. Cell Games for $200."
The number of Cell Jrs that were unleashed upon the Z Warriors.
"What is seven?"
Monster Carrot: $500
"Oh, look at Pigero everyone!" Monster Carrot said mockingly. "He knows how to count to seven, but he doesn't know person who really killed-"
Justin's fist crashed onto the podium in a last ditch effort to shut up the zealous rabbit. "If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: shut the fuck up, Monster Carrot. If you interrupt one more time, I'm draining your earnings over the course of the game and having you Final Flashed by Vegeta. And you wish I meant the energy beam."
"Sorry," was Monster Carrot's meek reply. Because whether you're a man, woman, or of another species, there's one thing you share with all living creatures- the desire to not see Vegeta's cock. This is the exact reason Bulma was legally reclassified as her own special species- she carries the distinction of being the only earthly lifeform to willingly submit to Vegeta's meat and two veg. Honestly, I'm tempted to just keep dragging this paragraph out just to find out how many euphemisms for penis I can remember from the top of my head (heh, head), but enough of this buffoonery, Let's move back on to DBZ Co- er, Jeopardy.
"Pigero, you now have control of the board," Justin announced, "so get a move on, we only have time for one more prompt."
"Cell Games for $100."
A crippling gut punch caused Cell to throw this up.
BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"
"Who is Android 18?"
Monster Carrot: $600
"Correct! Another $100 for Monster Carrot, and that's the end of the first round! Sorry, Pigero, but Final Jeopardy will be going on without you."
"That's okay with me," said Pigero as he donned sunglasses seemingly out of nowhere, "I was just here to troll Monster Carrot anyway. Mad props to Gohan for killing Cell. Smell ya later." Then he jumped into a car that had suddenly materialized right behind him and drove through a wall of the studio, falling several stories to his death as a result.
Justin blinked. "Well, can't say I was expecting that. Let's move on. Today's Final Jeopardy category is…"
PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEFEATED GOKU
"Begin betting." … "Betting over. Here's the prompt."
This item was the only thing stopping General Tao's Dodon Ray from killing young Goku.
"Begin writing answers." … "Answering over. Here's the- oh, sorry, I got into a rhythm. It's time to check answers. Burter…"
What is his tail?
"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's not correct. It was a valiant effort. Let's see what Monster Carrot wrote…"
What is a Dragonball?
"Congratulations, Monster Carrot, you've gained $1,200!"
Monster Carrot did a triumphant waltz in place. "I am the smartest rabbit alive!"
"The sad thing is, that's actually true."