Disclaimer: Dragonball Z is not mine. I thought, y'know, since it's the last chapter I'd commemorate it by not making some lame pun like "BreakinBad Z, the story where Gohan the chemistry teacher makes meth in his mom's basement."
THIS… IS… FUCKING… JEOPARDY, BITCHEEEEEES!
"Welcome to fucking Jeopardy, bitches," Justin said with an arrogant smirk, wearing the same outfit he had for the last gauntlet- sunglasses and a leather jacket over his pedestrian clothes. "I'm Justin and I don't want to use a silly name like Hugh P. Ness because today's the final episode of DBZ Jeopardy!"
A smattering of applause occurred in the audience. "Wow, that's the most excited I've heard you guys since the last gauntlet. You're only partly comatose! Let's introduce the last contestants. First, we have our last returning champion, Mori."
"And we have-" Justin's face suddenly lit up with WTF. "Wait, did you just fucking say 'howdy'?"
"Yes. It's what I heard you say yesterday over the phone."
"First of all, what the fuck were you doing eavesdropping on my conversation? Second, I'll have you know that 'howdy' is only an appropriate greeting if you yourself are a Texan."
"What? Is that a law on earth?"
Justin paused. "I'm… pretty sure, yes, it is. Why were you spying on my phone call?"
"I felt like it."
"You fucking weirdo. We have to move on. Our second and third contestants, as you all may have noticed, have been here before. I had a vote, as you know, for your all time favorite champions. Well, the votes- all six or seven- have been tallied, and our two other contestants today are Gohan and Eighter."
"Hi, everyone!" Gohan waved. "It's nice to be back!"
"It's nice to have you back, Gohan, and I really mean that," Justin gushed. "It's nice to finally have someone on the show who was a really important character."
"Aww, shucks," Gohan said, scratching the back of his head.
"No, really, dude. We have had to scrape around for every B and C character like- well, fuck, just look next to you. Do you even remember this guy?"
Gohan looked over at Mori and studied his face for a brief, awkward moment. "Oh! Hi, Mori! It's been so long, I forgot there for a second. Nice to see you again."
Mori's face lit up a bit, which was barely noticeable for the grumpy looking bastard. "It's good to see you as well. You've grown to look a lot like your father."
Justin's lips tightened. "Okay, enough, enough, I'm over the mushy shit. Eighter, do you have anything to say?"
"Yes, sir…" Eighter, who was visibly on the verge of tears, said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I wanted to just… thank everyone who voted to have me back on the show-" Eighter's voice cracked and Gohan patted him on the back. "I didn't realize I was so popular."
"Don't be too touched, man, you… well, never mind, it is pretty nice." Justin didn't have the heart to finish telling him that he only really got a couple of votes. "Okay, we've spent enough time on catching up, let's move on with the gauntlet. Much like the first gauntlet, we are going to go through all six categories and clear the board before Final Jeopardy. You may have noticed something else…"
Justin pointed out the money amounts on the board. "We're doing Double Jeopardy. Now, instead of $100-$500, it goes 200-400-600-800-1000. This means a lot more is at stake."
"Oh, man, we can actually get a lot of money…" Gohan muttered.
"Yes, you can. Other than that, it's all going to remain the same. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I have one," said Gohan. "Why did you get rid of the teams?"
"Because, to be blunt, it was a bit of a clusterfuck to manage nine people at once. Besides, I wanted something to differentiate this one from the last. Any more questions?"
"Are there any bathroom breaks?" Eighter asked.
"There will be commercials, yes," Justin said. "Wait, you're an android, why do you care?"
"Just asking for the audience," Eighter shrugged. Secretly, it was because asking about the bathrooms made him feel like a human, but this was no time for his mental health issues.
"Okay, then. If there are no more questions, let's start with the game. For the sake of nostalgia, we have as our final categories the first six categories that were ever featured on this show. They are:"
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS
THE EARLY LIFE OF GOKU
"Man, a couple of these sucked," Justin whispered to himself. "Music Ques? I need to change that."
"Then change it," Mori said.
"Hey! Were you listening to me with your big ass Namek ears?! That's an invasion of my privacy!"
"You're on public TV, sir," Gohan interjected.
"Damn it. I don't need y'all's sass."
Gohan shrugged. "Why don't you just put up a couple of commercials and think of a different category?"
"I don't want to waste that much time. Let's just get the game moving. Mori, pick a category."
"Dragonball Locations for $200."
This large animal steps on Goku's hand at one point as he is hunting for the dragonballs during the Cell saga.
"What is an elephant?"
"Well done, Gohan, you've taken an early- and likely permanent- lead. Please pick a category now."
"Whoa, whoa," Mori interjected at Justin's extreme chagrin. "You can't just say Gohan's probably going to win. That's not what you're supposed to do!"
"Mori, what is it in the history of this damn show that makes you think I'm going to follow conventions? If you really want me to be impartial, give me a good reason to think Gohan isn't going to win. How about that?"
Mori crossed his arms and scowled. "Challenge accepted."
"Good to hear. Gohan, pick, now."
"Dragonball Locations for $400, please."
It was thanks to this character's gas that a Dragonball was retrieved from the belly of a flying beast.
"Who is Master Roshi?" Gohan said chuckling.
"Once again, that is correct. You must get told a lot of stories about stuff that's happened to your friends while they were retrieving the dragonballs, huh?"
"Yeah. Sometimes they can go on for hours."
"Man, that's cool. All my family ever does when they get together is talk about how much they hate Democrats. Anyway, it's time for a commercial break, but we'll be right back with DBZ Jeopardy in just a second!"
(White background. Vegeta walks in from the left.) "Have you or your family ever been injured or killed in a gravity chamber accident? Well, I'm Vegeta, and I'm here to help you litigate. I, myself, have been in such an accident, and it was so bad I ended up with a wife and child. Don't wait. Just call 1-800-GRA-VITY and we can 'litigate' some of these fuckers right into the next dimension. We're going to spray their blood so far across the four quadrants their mothers will-"
(Feed cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" screen as Herb Albert's "Spanish Flea" plays.)
"And we're back," said Justin. "Let's recap the categories right quick, you'll notice I've made a couple of modifications."
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS ($200 (X), $400 (X), $600, $800, $1000)
THE EARLY LIFE OF GOKU
THE HISTORY OF TRUNKS
"Yep. I had to make those modifications with a permanent marker, but you all get the idea, I'm sure. Gohan, the board is still yours."
"If it was mine, I wouldn't have let you write on it with a marker."
"You know what the fuck I meant. Pick a category."
"I'll take Saiyan Biology for $1,000."
The part of the body that actually ends up with less hair because of the Super Saiyan 3 transformation.
…BZZT! "Aw, geez, Gohan, I thought you'd know that one!"
"Yeah…" Gohan said. "To tell you the truth, I didn't know any part of the body lost hair from that transformation. I've never really seen a Super Saiyan 3 up close."
"Oh, come on!" Justin said. "Gotenks? Goku?"
"I either saw them from behind or far away."
Justin paused to think. "I guess I can remember… anyway, it's not that important. The answer was the eyebrows. Pick another category."
"The eyebrows?!" Mori laughed. "Ha, are you kidding?! I have to see this! Goku, could you come down here and go Super Saiyan 3 quickly?"
"No, no, no!" Justin yelled. "Absolutely not! This whole building will come crashing the fuck down if we do that!"
"Aw!" Mori whined. "Can I at least see a picture?"
"Uh, yeah, I think we can arrange that during the next commercial break. Just keep your pants on."
Mori's face froze. "I never took them off…?"
"Well, for God's sake, keep it that way. Gohan, pick a category."
"Give me Saiyan Biology for $800."
Vegeta asked for this character to blow a hole through him so he could get a power boost by being healed by Dende.
"Who is Krillin?"
"Wow, Gohan," Justin said as he watched Gohan's dollar amount jump up, "that's got to be one of the biggest dollar amounts I've ever seen someone accumulate on this show, especially in such a brief period of time. You're really kicking ass!"
"Don't spoil him!" Mori grouched. "He's still a boy!"
"Uh, sir, I'm in my mid-20s," Gohan said.
"And I'm in my mid-200s, what's your point?"
"Man, that's crazy! It's almost as if Namekians age differently from humans or something!" Justin said sarcastically.
"At least you both age," Eighter whispered to himself.
"Anyway, enough of this derail. Gohan, category time."
"Saiyan Biology for $600."
The last character to become an Oozaru in the Z series.
"Who is me? Er, who am I? I mean-"
"Relax, Gohan, you answered correctly. Don't worry about being completely grammatically proper."
"I can't help it," Gohan shrugged. "I'm a scholar."
"Yeah. You're not only incredibly smart, but incredibly powerful. If you were a fanfiction character, you'd be the biggest Mary Sue ever. Please pick another category."
"Um…" Gohan wasn't sure whether or not to be offended by Justin's statement, so he let it go for the time being. "I'll have Saiyan Biology for $400."
This part of a Saiyan's body stays the same from the day they are born, according to Vegeta.
BZZ! "Gohan, yet again!"
"What is their hair?"
"Very good, Gohan."
"Thanks, but I just want to say that's actually factually incorrect. Heh, 'actually factually.' But anyway, my hair's changed a lot-"
"That only goes for full-blooded Saiyans!" Vegeta yelled from the audience. "You're a mutt so you don't count!"
"Oh… okay. But your hair changed in GT!"
The audience and Justin gasped together.
"What? What'd I say?"
"Gohan, we don't talk about that series in here, okay?" Justin said quietly, even though he was talking over a mic and everyone could hear him anyway. "We like to sweep that one under a rug and pretend it doesn't exist."
"You should be. I can't believe you don't remember the time I sentenced you to GT duty back in DBZ Court."
"Never mind. Pick a category before this conversation starts to suck even more."
"Saiyan Biology for $200."
In order for a saiyan to go into their ape form, they must both have a tail and stare at this object in the night sky.
"What is the full moon?"
"Congratulations, once again! Not only are you winning, but you're doing so at such an insurmountable pace it's going to be a damned miracle if either of these two can catch up! We've still got some time before the next commercial break, so pick quickly! Quickly!"
"Stop playing favorites!" whined Mori. "I've had enough of being told I'm going to lose no matter what when there's still like 20 things on the board!"
"Mori, I'm just identifying a pattern here," Justin said patiently. "Let's face facts- you and Eighter have appeared in far less than a tenth of the episodes Gohan has appeared in. You're both sheltered from the big picture of what's happened in this universe."
Justin pointed at Gohan while still looking at Mori. "Gohan, on the other hand, has seen pretty much all of the important shit first hand. I'm not saying it's guaranteed you're going to lose, I'm saying it damn near is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to pestering Gohan about picking a category. Gohan, pick a category."
"The Early Life of Goku for $1,000."
Before little Goku could defeat Demon King Piccolo, he had to drink this.
"What is the Sacred Water?"
"I'm sorry, Gohan, but that's not quite correct."
"What?!" Gohan looked absolutely gob smacked. "I'm sure I was right!"
Justin ignored Gohan for a little while. "Anyone else want a try at this one?"
Mori and Eighter looked at each other and shook their heads.
"The answer, Gohan, was the Ultra Divine Water. The Sacred Water was the fakey shit Goku drank before he defeated General Tao."
"Darn!" Gohan snapped his fingers as he said that, to further demonstrate his frustration and inability to express said frustration with anything resembling adult words or tactics.
"Anyway, it's time for another commercial break! But we'll be right back with the Gauntlet in just a second!"
(Bulma's voiceover as camera pans in on the Capsule Corp building) For over 50 years, Capsule Corp has been a pioneer in capsule-based storage and technology.
(Montage of footage from the show with capsules is shown, including, morbidly enough, storing the dead bodies of Master Roshi and Krillin in capsules during the King Piccolo saga)
But we have a problem. (Trunks' face flashes across the screen.) Our CEO is a lazy, entitled brat!
So, to make up for the monetary losses, we've decided to make Trunks the star of a new reality show! "How To Lose a CEO In Ten Days!"
"…I'd watch it. Anyway, we're back! Let's have a recap of the category board!"
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS ($200 (X), $400 (X), $600, $800, $1,000)
THE EARLY LIFE OF GOKU ($200, $400, $600, $800, $1,000 (X))
THE HISTORY OF TRUNKS
"Okay, Gohan, the board is still yours." Justin paused and noticed the troubled look on Gohan's face. "Come on, dude, you aren't still pouting about that last prompt are you? You still have a shitload of money, you'll just have to make up your losses!"
"It's not that," Gohan said slowly and unsurely, "I was just thinking about Trunks… that must have been kinda embarrassing, right?"
"I agree," Eighter agreed, "if I were that boy I would feel very humiliated right now."
"Oh, posh, you two, everyone knows reality TV is kinda bullshit. I'm sure Trunks is in on it, even! Also, I can tell pretty easily that you're not really worried about that. Just pick a category and suck it up."
"I'm really worried about that!" Eighter protested.
"Eighter, you have a lot more to be worried about than Trunks, like the fact that you are $1,600 behind Gohan. Speaking of Gohan, pick a category, Gohan."
"Give me True/False for $1,000."
"Okay, then. I should pause to remind the contestants that these particular prompts do not have to be answered in the form of a question. Everyone got that? Okay, here we go. The prompt:"
True or False: The potarra earrings last for thirty minutes while the Fusion Dance is permanent.
"What is false?"
"False is correct, Gohan, and clearly you don't listen to instructions too well."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I just got through saying you didn't have to answer in the form of a question for these particular prompts."
Gohan chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Oh, yeah. Sorry about that."
"Just think next time. Answering true or false in the form of a question is silly, isn't it?"
"It sounds silly for all of the goddamn prompts," Mori added. "I don't understand why you didn't get rid of that silly rule weeks ago."
"Because this is Jeopardy, man!" Justin responded. "That's like the entire point of the game!"
"Then the game is stupid."
"Then don't play, asshole!"
"Fuck you, too! Gohan, pick a new category before this fucking asshole derails this show further."
"Uh…" Gohan felt incredibly awkward to be in the middle of this argument. "Okay, I'll have True or False for $800."
True or False: Vegeta was the first person to damage Cell while he was in his perfect form.
…BZZ! "Uh, Mori?"
"What the fuck, Mori, how did you guess that?"
"Well, there are only two choices to begin with, and I was already losing by over $2,000, so I decided to nut up and take a risk."
Justin nodded. "Okay, that, I can understand the logic behind. What I don't understand…" He looked over to Gohan. "I don't understand why you didn't know that one."
Gohan shrugged. "I didn't remember whether it was Krillin or Vegeta who did-"
"What?!" Vegeta's voice erupted from the audience. "You must be truly mad to think that bald idiot could even inflict the tiniest sliver of damage against Perfect Cell! I'm pretty sure that fucking wimp couldn't even beat up Captain Ginyu!"
"Is that really necessary?!" Krillin yelled back from the other side of the audience.
"Yes!" came Vegeta's sharp reply. "Having my name associated with yours compels me to get up and defend it!"
"You huge jerk! At least I married a total babe!"
"Excuse me?!" In an unprecedented turn of events, both Bulma and Android 18 stood up and said those words at the exact same time! Krillin looked up at his wife sitting right next to him, and judging from the look on his own face, he was going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.
And the couch would be floating in the middle of the ocean surrounding Kame House.
"What does that make me, Krillin?!" Bulma yelled from across the audience. "Chopped liver?!"
"No, no," Krillin said shakily, waving his hands defensively in front of his face, "no, not at all! You're, uh… pretty!"
"Is she now?" Android 18 said in an ice-cold voice behind Krillin.
"Uh…" Krillin had no idea how to handle the situation, and Vegeta just sat down, knowing Bulma and 18 could handle the rest.
Before the two girls could seriously lay into Krillin (not that way you hentais), Justin hollered from his podium, "Save it for Springer, y'all! I have a game to run and you're running out all our time!"
"Shut up!" 18 yelled from the audience at her former boss. "I can't believe I took a day off from court to see this stupid show!"
"Who did you appoint as your substitute?" Justin asked.
"Oh, my God, you don't even want to know. Trust me."
"Maybe you're right," Justin shrugged as he tried to choke his curiosity down like an unchewed piece of roast beef. "Anyway, Mori, you got the last prompt so it's your turn to pick a category. Hurry up and do it before something terrible happens to Krillin."
"True or False for $200."
True or False: King Piccolo's first defeat was partially at the hands of a rice cooker.
"That is true."
"Eighter, I'm a little worried about you," Justin said. "You're being beaten really severely."
"Oh, well," Eighter smiled in response. "It's not really a competition for me. I just like being here and seeing old friends."
"Geez, Eighter," Justin said hesitantly, "I'm actually kind of touched by your attitude toward all this. You're damn special, you know that?"
"When you're done slobbering all over the robot," Mori butted in, "I should like to continue."
"You should, but you probably won't," Justin said pointedly. "Anyway, we have no time for that right this second, because we have a commercial break. We'll be back with more DBZ Jeopardy after this!"
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST HEART POUNDING EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE?
WELL, PUT DOWN THAT REMOTE AND PAY ATTENTION!
THE GINYU FORCE IS SEEKING SOME NEW MEMBERS, SO ANY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF THE MOST ELITE SQUADRON OF WARRIORS THE EMPTY VOID OF SPACE HAS EVER SEEN, WELL MOTHERFUCKER, YOU KNOW WHO TO CALL!
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS ONLINE! JUST SEND YOUR RESUME AND A PICTURE OF YOUR BEST POSE TO WWW DOT JEICEMANSLUT DOT NET! NOT ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FROM SAIYANS BECAUSE, HA HA, THEY'RE FUCKING DEAD!
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!
"Okay, so there's that," Justin said. "I notice that Vegeta has left the audience, probably to go track down and kill whoever made that commercial. Good luck to him. Let's recap the board:"
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS ($200 (X), $400 (X), $600, $800, $1,000)
THE EARLY LIFE OF GOKU ($200, $400, $600, $800, $1,000 (X))
GENERAL TRUE/FALSE ($200 (X), $400, $600, $800 (X), $1,000 (X))
THE HISTORY OF TRUNKS
"Okay, Gohan, you won back the board last time around, so the categories are back in your hands."
"I want True/False for $600."
True or False: The death of Piccolo at the hands of Frieza caused Goku to achieve the first on-screen Super Saiyan transformation.
"That is correct, you smart bastard. Say, what is the exchange rate of dollars versus zenie anyway? I've been wondering that since the show started, but I keep forgetting to ask."
"Last time I looked, one dollar equaled 1,000,000 zenie."
"Oh, yeah! I remember that's what I once told Android 18 during the DBZ Court days, I don't know how I forgot. So, basically, you're a billionaire right now."
"That's some real casual demeanor there you've got for a billionaire."
"I haven't won that money quite yet."
"Technically, I guess so. Still, I think we all know what Eighter would be doing right now if he had that much money. 'YEEEEAAAH! WOOOOO!' That's what he'd be doing."
If Eighter weren't a robot, he would have been blushing profusely at that moment. "Please don't remind everyone of that…"
"You will soon enough, if you ever decide to answer a prompt. Gohan, pick another category."
"No, for $1."
True or False: Yajirobe cut off Vegeta's tail and took him out of his Oozaru form.
BZZ! "Gohan, of course!"
"Well, with that one, you are now $3,000 ahead of the guy in second place. Three thousand fucking dollars. And you still say you aren't going to win."
Gohan nodded. "I've seen enough people fall to hubris to not let my guard down until the very end."
"I guess. But, jeez, can't you at least act a little jazzed?"
"Fuckin' spoil sport. Go ahead and pick yourself another category."
"The Early Life of Goku for $800."
The real name of the Crane master that Tien and Chiaotzu trained under.
…BZZT! "Oh, I guess the great Gohan has some gaps in his knowledge after all! The answer is Shen."
"I don't remember Dad ever telling me anything about Master Shen," Gohan stated.
"That's because no one cares about that nigga!" Goku shouted from the audience, much to the shock of everyone else in the room.
"Goku!" Justin gasped. "Where did you learn that word?"
"Beyond Scared Straight!"
"Why would you watch that?"
"Cause it's funny! And kind of sad, too! But mostly funny!"
Justin stood frozen for a while, and then shrugged. He figured, why press Goku logic?
"Okay, Gohan, pick another category."
"Same one for $600."
The earliest Android was found in this Red Ribbon Army official's headquarters.
BZZ! "Oh, thank God, Eighter!"
"Who is General White?"
"Congratulations, Eighter, you finally became a contender!"
Eighter proceeded to turn Gohan around, a surprising enough feat in itself, and scream in his face. "WHO'S THE BITCH NOW, BITCH?! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD, I HAVE SOME FUCKING MONEY! EIGHTER COMING RIGHT AT YOUR FACE AND RIGHT. IN. YOUR. FACE!"
Gohan and Eighter stared each other down until Eighter's circuits cooled down and he immediately retreated to the second phase of his victory lap; mortification. "Oh, dear, Gohan! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry, I know, you can't help it," Gohan smiled. "I'm not mad. Let's just get on with the game."
"That's my line!" Justin whined. "Pick a category, Eighter, it's all you."
"I'll take the Early Life of Goku for $200."
A really obnoxious alarm sound suddenly played. "Oh, shit, it's the first Daily Double of the game! Took it long enough to show up!"
"What the hell is a Daily Double?" Mori asked.
"I'm glad you asked, guy who everyone almost forgot existed! A Daily Double is a prompt that can be answered only by the chooser- Eighter, in this case- and that allows the chooser to bet as much of their money as they want, unlike the original show. Speaking of that, Eighter, how much will you bet?"
Justin looked disappointed yet at the same time like he was expecting it. So I guess that means he really shouldn't have been disappointed.
"Fine, then, Here's your prompt:"
This is the very first regular character of the show that Goku met.
…BZZ! "What do you say, Eighter?"
"Who is Suno?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's incorrect! You've lost only $100, so I guess you were smart to bet small, even though it wasn't a very exciting maneuver."
"Has anyone ever told you that you apologize too much?"
"Jesus fucking Christ. Just pick another category."
"I'll have The Early Life of Goku for $400."
"Knocking out two before the next commercial break?! Damn, you want to talk about efficiency, that's it! Okay, here's the prompt."
Goku first met Krillin when he was getting ready to train under this man.
"Who is Master Roshi?"
Justin shrugged, knowing Gohan was going to answer that one. "Gohan has once again taken control of the board. Well, I think we have time for about one more prompt before the commercial break."
"That's good," Mori butted in, "because I have to piss like a fuckin' Sea Dragon."
"Good to know. Pick a category, Gohan."
"Revival Counts for $1,000."
"You're so fucking greedy!" Mori pouted just as the prompt went up.
This is the amount of times Chiaotzu has been revived.
"What is two?"
"Ooh, that's incorrect! Gohan once again answers incorrectly on a thousand-dollar prompt! Who else wants a guess?"
"What is three?"
"Congratulations, Mori, you've wrested the prompt out from beneath Gohan's feet and earned yourself an extra grand. Now you could actually catch up if you worked- and I mean really, REALLY worked- your ass off and got lucky on a few prompts."
"How encouraging," Mori said with dull sarcasm.
"Indeed. Well, it's time for a commercial break, but we'll be back after this!"
(Footage plays of Goku and Cell fighting at the Cell Games) Have you ever wondered how these warriors managed to perform such amazing feats of superhuman strength?
Well, it's time you learned the truth.
In Hercule Satan's shocking three-part exposé, the footage you are seeing is dissected by a team of professional magicians and scientists to determine how these so-called "powers" are really performed.
"It's really quite simple. You see, this so-called 'flying' is created through an elaborate series of mirrors…"
These amazing facts and more, available in Hercule Satan's documentary, "Tricks Revealed!" Order today and receive a free tote bag!
"A free tote bag? Are you serious? What the…" Justin quickly realized he was on-air, and didn't finish. "Uh, anyway, welcome back to DBZ Jeopardy! Let's do a quick re-cap of the board!"
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS ($200 (X), $400 (X), $600, $800, $1,000)
REVIVAL COUNTS ($200, $400, $600, $800, $1,000 (X))
THE HISTORY OF TRUNKS
"Okay, Mori, you've got control of the board."
"I think I'll have Revival Counts for $200."
"You sure?" Justin mocked. "I have to say I'm impressed. Even Mori has second thoughts about being an irredeemable wuss?"`
"Now that is just unnecessary!" Eighter burst out before Mori could counter with his own smart-assed retort. "I'm tired of you insulting all of your contestants, day in and day out! It's mean and totally pointless! These people come on to your show to have fun and make money, not to be judged on what they do and do not know about things! I demand you stop or else I will leave!"
A smattering of applause occurred in the audience as Justin's face registered a look of shock, then a look of humility, as he genuinely felt scolded. "Okay, fine, jeez. I didn't realize y'all felt so strongly about it. Mori, here's your prompt, good luck."
This is the number of times Goku has been revived with the Dragonballs.
"What is once?"
"Congratulations for seeing through that little trick question," Justin said. "You knew that Goku was revived the second time by Old Kai. Well done, you now have control of the board. Try not to be too vexed by the three category choices we have for you."
Eighter was about to speak up again, but Justin cut him off at the pass. "I did not intend for that to be a comment on Gohan's intelligence, Eighter. Slow your roll."
"Actually I was going to ask if we were about to have a restroom break," said Eighter shyly.
Justin looked at Eighter long and hard, his eyes narrowing. "Okay, Eighter, two things. One, we just had a commercial break, you should have gone then and we could have put an extra commercial or two up in the meantime. Second of all, you're, uh, a robot, aren't you? Not like Androids 17 or 18, you're a full robot. How do you go to the bathroom?"
"Well, it's…" Eighter scratched his head. "It's an embarrassing thing to explain, sir, but basically I have to get rid of some steam that's built up in me."
Justin frowned and shook his head, crossing his arms as well for maximum indignation. "That's something you need to see a therapist about. Your anger issues can't be allowed to hold up the game."
"No, no, I mean literally. There is a steam build-up in my body from all the oil I burn and I have to let it out."
Justin paused again. "So… you basically have to go do the robot equivalent of farting?"
Eighter nodded, his whole face twisted into a look of painful embarrassment.
"And you can't just do it right here because… you're Eighter, and it would mortify you to do something so rude."
Eighter nodded again.
"Is there any way you can hold on until the next commercial break, which is probably mere minutes away?"
Eighter slowly nodded, looking not entirely sure.
"Okay, man. Gohan, pick us another category."
"Revival Counts for $800."
The amount of times Hercule has been revived.
"What is none?"
"That is correct, Gohan. You still have control of the board."
"Urrgghhh…" said Eighter as he clenched his robot asscheeks.
"Only a little while longer, Eighter, I promise. Pick a category, Gohan."
"Revival Counts for $600."
The amount of times Master Roshi has been revived, not counting Dragon Ball.
"What is once?"
"Hrngh!" Eighter made a horrible grunt noise and hunched over slightly. "I can't take much more of this…"
"Oh, come on, Eighter," Justin said. "If you leave now, you'll have to forfeit! I mean, you're over a thousand dollars behind Mori, never mind almost four thousand behind Gohan, but that doesn't mean you have no chance! Buck up Eighter, just a couple more prompts!"
Eighter shook his head. "It really hurts…"
Justin realized that someone was probably getting off on this in some sick, scat/BDSM way, but he didn't care. "Eighter, I believe in you. We all do. Just give in one or two more prompts."
After a few more clench faces, Eighter managed to look into the host's eyes and nod. "I'll do my best."
"That's all we can ask for. Gohan, you still have the board."
"Revival Counts for $400."
"You sure you don't want to try for another dollar amount?"
Gohan didn't answer. In fact, he didn't respond in any way whatsoever.
"No pithy retort? Spoil sport."
The amount of times Kami has been revived.
"What is… uhm, twice?"
"Good show, you realized that Kami's second revival was when Piccolo was killed off hy Majin Buu."
"Not really, I just guessed at the last second."
"…That is also a viable strategy. Well, now we only have two categories, so you certainly shouldn't have to struggle too hard to-"
"Dragon Ball Locations for $1,000."
"Don't interrupt me, boy, let me finish."
"Boy?" Gohan cocked his head to the side. "I'm older than you."
Justin looked irritated. "Well, thanks, now I forgot what I was going to say! Here's your stupid prompt!"
The Dragon balls are guarded on Planet Namek by these.
"What are Namekian village elders?"
"Fantastic work, Mori! You've narrowed the gap between yourself and Gohan and regained the board. What category are you going to pick next?"
"Hey!" Eighter grunted. "You said we were taking a break after the last two prompts!"
At this, Justin smiled awkwardly. "Heh, I did, didn't I? Well… okay, you win, we're going to go to commercial. It's getting to be about that time. We'll be back with more DBZ Jeopardy after this!"
(Camera pans in to a small brick building) At Raup and Gnoloo's Shapeshifting Academy, excellence in the art of transformation is considered the finest thing a living being can achieve.
(Puar, in interview) "Raup and Gnoloo's taught me everything I know about the art of shapeshifting."
For over 70 years, we have given the world some of its finest shapeshifters. Raup and Gnoloo's has also been noted for its somewhat decent Women's Studies program, but really, we're all about the shapeshifting.
"Yeah, I got kicked out," went Oolong's voiceover.
Sign up today on our website and be a part of the shapeshifting… uh, subgroup of people.
The feed cuts back to the studio, where loud coughing sounds can be heard and people are holding their hands over their noses. The only one who was still was Eighter, whose head was pointing toward the ground, utterly ashamed.
"Fuck, Eighter," Justin said as he clenched his nose and waved his free hand in front of his face ineffectually, "you didn't tell me the whole goddamn room was going to smell like old gasoline if you didn't go! I might have made you wear a beekeeper outfit."
Eighter was too embarrassed to even open his mouth to apologize.
"Don't want to talk?" Justin said through the muffle of his hand, "I can't blame you, I wouldn't want any of this shit to get into my mouth either! Look at Puar over there, I'm pretty sure you killed her!"
"*cough cough* I'm okay, I just feel dizzy…" Puar had the stereotypical dizzy spirals over where her eyes should have been. If this were a Junji Ito manga, everyone would be flipping their fucking shit at her. Oolong and Yamcha kneeled over her and tried to get her cooled off while avoiding the powerful stench themselves.
"Well, we still have a game to play, so I need to…" Justin paused to cough. "I need to go ahead and recap the categories:"
DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS ($200 (X), $400 (X), $600, $800, $1,000 (X))
THE HISTORY OF TRUNKS
"As you can all plainly see, it's coming down to the wire. We only have seven prompts left. And as soon as Mori feels comfortable with opening his mouth, he can pick a category."
Mori put his shirt over his face to talk, which made Eighter whimper with embarrassment. "I'll take Dragon Ball Locations for $600."
The alarm sound played again! "Wow!" Justin exclaimed. "Seems like Mori found our second Daily Double! It's funny how Eighter got the first one and Mori got the second one, when the one who would benefit the most from one got shafted, but whatever. Mori, how much will you be betting?"
Justin did an impressed whistle. "I'm impressed. That would put you only $600 behind Gohan if you got it."
"…Right. Well, here's your prompt."
Normally, when the four star ball is in Goku's possession, it rests on top of his son's hat. The hat is this color.
… "Uh, green!" BZZT!
"That's incorrect, Mori, and now you are down to $1,400."
"Yeah, that's what you shouldn't be at trivia."
"Oh, shut up! You're a jerk!"
Justin laughed. "That the best you got, Mori? You've achieved the insulting prowess of a seven-year-old child. Come on, pick another category."
"The same category for $800."
Thanks to the efforts of this character, a giant bird was made to vomit up one of the Dragon balls during the Buu saga.
…BZZT! "No one knew that one, the answer was Master Roshi. Mori, you only have one category left to pick from now, so…"
"Okay. It should be noted, even though it's probably kind of obvious, the Trunks in the category name is Future Trunks. Everyone got that? Let's get the prompt up."
Before the androids appeared, Goku died of a virus in this organ of his body.
"What is the heart?"
"That is correct, you've regained control of the board."
"History of Trunks for $1,000."
"Thanks for specifying the category, I would have been clueless otherwise."
Because he trained for one year in this place, Trunks was able to destroy Cell and the Androids in his timeline.
"What is the Hyperbolic Time Chamber?"
"That is correct! You're so fucking rich right now!" Justin exclaimed. "We only have three left to get through, so let's knock them out. What dollar amount?"
Trunks transformed into a Super Saiyan after the Androids killed this person.
…BZZT! "The answer was Gohan. Try again, Gohan."
Gohan stared blankly ahead, having taken on a temporary existential crisis, but he shook himself out of it. "$600."
Gohan lost this part of the body protecting Trunks in his second to last battle with the androids.
…BZZT! "The answer was the right arm. Come on, guys!"
"How were we supposed to know either of those last two?!" Mori complained and the other two nodded.
"In the case of you and Eighter, I don't really know," Justin admitted. "But, look, let's cut the shit. We have just one more prompt. This is the final prompt of DBZ Jeopardy, okay, guys? I mean, besides Final Jeopardy. Let's go out with a bang."
Gohan became a Super Saiyan after this fighter was killed by the Androids.
"Who is Piccolo?"
"Well done!" Justin said while clapping. "All thirty prompts have been cleared."
"Just so you know," Gohan said, "Final Jeopardy's going to be totally pointless, because I'm only going to bet one dollar."
Justin gave Gohan a ticked look. "You can't be fucking serious."
"I'm dead serious. Six billion zenie is more than enough."
Mori crossed his arms. "Coward. That's all you are."
Gohan shrugged in response. "I really don't care. I'm bored."
"I haven't felt like playing for the last few minutes…" Eighter sighed.
"Well, all the fighting spirit came out of your asshole in the form of a gasoline fart, Eighter, so that goes without saying."
Justin stood frozen for a while after saying that. He contemplated for a few seconds then made his decision. "Well, since Gohan's so adamant about being a little bitch, I guess that's the end of DBZ Jeopardy. Talk about an anti-climax."
Author's Note: Wow, it only took me about 14 months to finish this one! That's much better than DBZ Court, which took like 5 years. Anyway, yeah, I'm going to probably get started on another DBZ related fanfic after I finish this other project I have, but I'm not sure what exactly it's going to be yet. In the meantime, thanks for reading!