The room felt like I was stuck in a funhouse and someone forgot to turn off the strobe lights. I don't remember even coming in the front door last night. What the fuck just happened? I never black out or pass out from drinking. Where the hell am I? Why do I have the fucking USC marching band playing drums in my head? My mouth felt like I had French kissed the wrong end of a fuzzy rabbit.
"Holy fuck." I tried to shake off the cobwebs and sit up and realized I wasn't even in a bed. I was sitting on the hard cold floor of a Las Vegas hotel room the size of my condo I lived in at home. I could never afford a room this big. I looked around to make sure there weren't any wild animals roaming around. Last time I saw this scene there was a man face down on the floor bleeding from his mouth and a chicken roaming around. Please tell me there's not a fucking tiger in the bathroom either. I really have to force myself up to go pee. I really don't want to have to run away from a jungle cat that I have no explanation for.
I crawl towards a mound of blankets I can only assume I was sleeping either on or under at one point in the evening and flop my head on what should've been the softest point. Only there was something hard and human feeling under it. This discovery prompted me to look down at myself to make sure I wasn't crawling around butt naked. I still had my clothes on from the night before and I smelled like I had slept in the mini bar. Man, as soon as I can feel my feet again, I am taking a long hot sobering shower. Please tell me that lump has clothes on or that it's one of the girls equally as fucked up as I am.
Before I get there, the mound of blankets starts making moaning sounds that sound like something out of The Walking Dead. I jump half startled. I expected a walker to emerge and start chewing on my leg or something. An arm emerges from the mound and flops on the ground. They sounded equally as fucked up. Wait, that's not a female arm. Where did a man come from? I don't remember picking up any men last night. Is this that awkward morning after moment? God, I hope not. Please don't be naked.
"Where the fuck am I?"
The voice sounded familiar. I knew that voice. That's a distinctively male voice. It's too deep to be Melissa or Jade. Well, Cynthia has a deep voice, but not that damn deep. Besides, his fingernails aren't purple and hers are. Plus he's wearing a watch. None of the girls wear watches. At least last night they weren't. Who knows about now? I grabbed a near- by shoe. Looked like one of my black Converse I was wearing last night. So, I used it like a weapon and pointed it towards the guy. If he got too friendly I could beat him back to sleep with my shoe.
"Identify yourself stranger sleeping next to me."
I hope that came out in English enough for the unidentified male to understand. I pointed the shoe threateningly and the guy emerged from under the blanket looking just as fucked up as me. He had no shirt on. Please be wearing pants. I'm wearing pants.
"What the fuck? Who are you?"
"I'm Ruby. Now back to you, Mr. No Name."
"Phil Lennox. What the fuck happened last night? I have such a major hang over. Why are you holding a shoe?"
He is sitting up now and trying to shake the cobwebs out of his head as well. I put down the shoe. He obviously is in no condition to attack or to try to reenact last night sober.
Ruby: "I have no idea. But, I really have to pee and I hope there's no jungle cat in the crapper."
Phil half laughs and then stops at the throbbing headache that starts. He takes in the red head with green eyes wearing a "Some guys can't handle Vegas" shirt and shorts sitting next to him. Of course, his eyes check out her rack and he smiles in approval. He may be hung over, but he's not stupid. He obviously had a great fucking time last night.
Phil: "Don't make me laugh. It hurts."
Ruby: "I have a magic solution for that in the fridge. I just have to get to it."
I attempt to get to my feet and damn near do a Three Stooges slip and slide back on top of Phil. I take off my socks. I hope I had brains enough to make my magic hang over juice the night before when I was sober. I never forget to make a huge batch if I know all of the girls are drinking the night before.
Ruby: "Implements of death right now. Not a good idea on the hung over and uncoordinated."
Phil starts laughing again. He seems to be looking around for the chicken and jungle cat too or maybe he has friends that are missing. I have no memory what so ever of what happened before I woke up right now. Damn, I never get tore up like this. How can I forget landing such a gorgeous man and bringing him back to the hotel with me?
Phil: "Where is this magic solution for this hang over at again?"
Ruby: "It's in the fridge in a plastic Kool-Aide pitcher. It's a nasty green color. Don't smell it whatever you do. It wreaks, but it kicks this hang over's ass."
I make it into the bathroom without incident. Thankfully, no tiger just a cold as hell toilet seat and a bright as hell light. Thank God the room is in one piece. That would be one hell of a bill to pay considering I can't afford the bill on a place like this anyway. Normally I'd make my way to the sink after finishing my business. I had to take a minute to catch my thoughts. Where the fuck did Phil come from? Where are the other girls and how the fuck did I get in this huge ass hotel room? It had to be his. Since when am I into going back to hotel rooms with strange men? He is hot though. Those blue eyes are gorgeous even when he's half hung over and zombie-like with his hair all crazy on his head. Obviously, he's not here to impress me at the moment.
Meanwhile, in the other room, a similar situation is unraveling. Cynthia plops herself down on the bed after returning from the bathroom and already identifying the man in her bed as Stu. A friend of Phil's that we met at the black jack table last night. Apparently we were playing black jack together. OK, that's good to know. I'm still lost.
Cynthia: "You're joking, right?"
Stu: "Excuse me?"
Stu feels around on the side night table for his eye glasses and puts them on so he can see Cynthia's face clearer now that they're both awake and curious. He looks her over and is impressed with her beauty. Brown eyes, long wavy brown hair, deep olive colored skin. He found her very sexy. She was sitting on the bed in a long T shirt and shorts.
Cynthia: "This is such a typical stereotype. A woman goes out with her girls in Vegas and wakes up in a strange hotel room that is not her own with some strange man she doesn't even remember picking up the night before."
Stu: "It could be worse. The room could be trashed and you could have domestic animals running around and a jungle cat in the bathroom."
Cynthia: "Obviously there is no jungle cat. I haven't heard any screams and I don't see any feathers. So, we're good there. I don't know about the whole trashed room thing. Our room is in one piece and I don't hear any kid."
Stu: "See? This is clearly a good thing. Besides, we're adults. Adults sleep together."
Cynthia: "Yeah. Adults sleep together, but was there any sex? See? I don't even remember bringing you back here. Let alone if the sex was any good."
Stu: "Judging by the fact that I am still wearing my shorts, I would vote no on the sex happening last night."
Cynthia: "Judging by the fact that I am still fully clothed, I'd say you're probably right. Not that I would mind having sex with you. I just would love to be able to remember if it was the best in the world or not."
Stu: "That's fair I guess. So, what did happen last night?"
Cynthia: "Beats the shit out of me. I've seen this movie before though. Who's on the roof? You have all your teeth and so do I."
Stu starts laughing.
Stu: "Nobody is getting married this time. So there is no wedding to worry about."
This prompts Cynthia to look at her fingers.
Cynthia: "Nope. No rings on my fingers or yours. Is Melissa still in the picture?"
Stu: "No. Phil was right. She's a raging cunt. I'm glad I got rid of her."
Cynthia: "What about the bride from Bangkok?"
Stu: "No. Not around anymore either. I'm afraid there were some complications with that marriage."
Cynthia: "Wow. This is insane."
Meanwhile, a huge commotion in the other room prompts everyone to come running into the living room area. A huge pile of plastic cups and empty cans is all over the place and another Zombie-like moan and groan can be heard as a blonde emerges from the mess with her hair sticking straight up in all directions on her head. Her pants are missing and her shirt is half on and half off.
Melissa: "Owe. God dammit, that fucking hurt. Whose bright ass idea was it to stack all this shit on top of me while I was sleeping last night? For that matter, what the hell am I doing behind the damn bar? Where are my pants and what the fuck is up with all this?"
She gestures around to all the crap that she knocked off the table and to the guys standing there now with Cynthia and Ruby.
Ruby: "First answer, dude there's a table right there that you totally just clobbered and cleared in a single motion. Second answer, nobody stacked it on top of you. Third, beats the hell out of me. You passed out there. Is there a dude with you back there somewhere?"
Melissa fixes her shirt and picks her underwear out of her ass in a fashion that is so typical of what she would do sober. She kicks at some of the bigger stacks of party favors lying around and listens for someone to yell "Owe" or "Hey I'm over here" or to make a zombie noise. No response. So she shrugs and walks towards the bathroom.
Melissa: "No dude back there. Who the hell told the table to move closer to me while I was asleep? My underwear is clean and at least I wore the cute ones."
She shakes her ass that says "Rock Star" across the cheeks of the underwear. She stops at Phil and puts her hand on his shoulder. She attempts to lay her unruly hair flatter noticing Phil was attractive to her.
Melissa: "Hello tall, blue eyed and sexy. How are you doing?"
Phil: "Hello slightly hung over and half dressed."
He looks at her half confused. Was she half hung over and hitting on him? I started laughing. This is typical normal Melissa behavior. She's crazy and she doesn't care who knows it. We love her to pieces.
Melissa: "I'm Melissa encase you're too hung over to remember my name from last night. I hope you were behind the bar with me for at least some portion of the fun last night."
Phil: "I have no idea what the fuck happened last night."
Ruby: "That makes three of us."
She holds up her hand like someone is taking a head count for a vote.
Melissa: "Unanimous all around the group. Nobody remembers a damn thing."
She shrugs again as she notices nobody else is raising their hands up. She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.
Cynthia: "OK. Who's stuck in the elevator or on the roof? I've seen this movie played out before."
Phil brings the pitcher and a clean stack of plastic cups for the group.
Phil: "Hopefully nobody. Alan is missing from this equation."
Ruby: "Yeah and so is Jade. Hopefully Jade and Alan are together somewhere safe and not on the roof."
As if on cue, the front door to the room opens and Jade comes in singing to herself. She looked freshly showered in clean jeans and a clean grey shirt that says "In Punk We Trust" across the front and "Best In the World CM Punk" on the back.
Jade: (Singing to the IPOD plugged into her head) "Look in my eyes. What do you see? The cult of personality. I know your anger. I know your dreams. I'm the cult of personality."
Ruby: "Yo, Jade take it down about 20 notches, will ya?"
I throw an empty cup towards her to get her attention. She looks up and takes the ear buds out.
Jade: "Good morning, grumpy. Why are you throwing shit at me? I come bearing gifts."
She holds up a Starbucks tray and a box of doughnuts.
Ruby: "Well, first of all, we're too fucken hung over to listen to you singing all obnoxious like right now. Second, why didn't you mention coffee?"
She passes out coffee to everyone.
Jade: "Now, I didn't take the time to take everyone's personal orders. So, I just brought the same thing for the whole lot of you except for the guys. I brought the guys straight up black coffee. I know the girls all drink the mocha one that I drink."
Phil: "God bless you, child. You read my mind."
Jade: "You're welcome, Phil."
Phil: "It's good to be remembered by the coffee angel."
Jade: "Honey, I am no angel. I just know what it feels like to wake up with a monster ass hang over. For me, coffee fixes it. That and Ruby's magic green drink."
Phil: "This magic green drink?"
He holds up the cup in his hand.
Jade: "I came just in time. Nobody had drank any of that yet, right?"
She looks around the group and we all shake our heads no.
Jade: "Good because you'll need the coffee for a chaser. That stuff is strong and the first time I drank it, I gagged. I'm putting that out there for everyone has a warning."
Ruby: "What the hell did we do last night?"
Jade: "You seriously want to know?"
Phil: "Yeah. Where's Alan by the way?"
Jade: "Who the hell is Alan?"
Doug comes out of the other bedroom yawning and looking just as tore up as the rest of us.
Jade: "Hello lover. I brought you some coffee. It helps clear out the cobwebs a bit. So does this green hang over drink."
Doug: "Did I just hear you ask who Alan was?"
Jade: "Yeah because Phil over here seems to think I should know his wear-a bout this morning."
Melissa: "Mmmm coffee. Thank God you remembered."
Jade: "Hello my fellow hung over friend. What's good?"
Melissa: "Silence. I will kill you and your overly sober greetings."
Jade: "I told you not to drink that last Jagger bomb. Nobody ever listens to me. Apparently I'm obsessed with trying to be Straight Edge if I want you guys to cool it. Now you see it's not an obsession? I'm trying to help you avoid a hangover from hell like this. I mean, I drank last night too. This is Vegas."
Cynthia: "Look, none of us remember shit from last night. You're walking around bright eyed and bushy tailed. Not to mention you were singing perfectly sober lyrics as you came through the door. What happened to us that didn't happen to you obviously?"
Doug: "Wait a minute. Where is Alan? He was with us last night."
Jade: "There's that name again, Alan. Alan is the missing comrade from last night. You guys are always losing someone. I don't know why you even come to Vegas together. If I was you I'd leave one guy at home. Then you can't fry him on the roof or lock him in an elevator. Besides, that Alan dude seems to attract all kinds of bad attention from the wrong kind of people."
Doug: "Alan is harmless. He just doesn't know any better. He really was trying to have a good time last time."
Stu: "Yeah. Nothing says good times like being roofied by your brother. I married a stripper. I lost a tooth. I almost got killed by a giant tiger. Let's not even get into what happened when we took him to Bangkok with us."
Phil: "The whole disaster with Mr. Chow and the FBI. Not to mention losing your wife's brother in the elevator. He was lucky to be alive in that heat. I thought your father in law was going to kill you."
Stu: "He was going to kill me, Phil. He doesn't take "oopse we drank too much and got carried away" as an excuse for getting his prized son's finger chopped off and arrested. Not to mention us being in the news for that riot and fire."