Random Things

A/N: I thought it'd be fun to write a Facebook story with Poirot and (almost?) all his friends, so here it is! I really liked to write this and I'm writing a second chapter with some new characters. (No OCs, I promise! Well, you will see!) Thanks to Jack-OfAllTrades, my beta reader, who did a really great job! :)

By the way, I do know that some characters are a bit OOC. Especially Japp. But who has never been different on the Internet, eh? x)

Everything belongs to Agatha Christie. Enjoy and leave a review, you'd be nice! :D

Hercule Poirot: Case solved… once again! Merci à mes petites cellules grises. :)

Hercule Poirot, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon and 76 others like this.

Arthur Hastings: Well done, old chap! :)

James Japp: Stop boasting!

Felicity Lemon: Inspector! -' Monsieur Poirot deserves it.

James Japp: He deserves what? To boast? XD

Arthur Hastings: And he helped you a lot to solve the case.

James Japp: …Can't I joke with you?

Hercule Poirot: Allons, mes amis… Cessez vos enfantillages, oui ?

James Japp: Google Translate isn't working; can somebody tell me what he just said, please?

Felicity Lemon: …

Arthur Hastings: Never mind, Inspector.


Ariadne Oliver: Oh, I hate this Finnish detective!

Hercule Poirot: Do you need help, Madame?

Ariadne Oliver: Of course, but I doubt you can help me, Poirot.

Hercule Poirot: What's the matter?

Ariadne Oliver: My editor wants me to write a novel featuring Sven but I have no inspiration!

Hercule Poirot: I am sure you will find something, chère amie!

Ariadne Oliver: I better find some soon, then!

Hercule Poirot: :)


Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings' wall.

Hercule Poirot: Ah, mon ami, how are you doing?

Arthur Hastings: Pretty good, Poirot, and you?

Hercule Poirot: I'm fine. Mais I am bored. Terribly bored.

Arthur Hastings: What can I do to help? :(

Hercule Poirot: Come back to England! :D

Arthur Hastings: Are you serious?

Hercule Poirot: Of course I am. Hercule Poirot never jokes.

Arthur Hastings: Poirot, you do know I just returned to Argentina today, don't you? I can't leave!

Hercule Poirot: Dommage, mon ami…

Arthur Hastings: Indeed, old man. I'm sorry.

Hercule Poirot: I miss you.

Arthur Hastings: Er, me too…

Dulcie Duveen: Poor Monsieur Poirot…You can visit us if you want :)

Arthur Hastings: I say, what a nice idea!

Hercule Poirot: Pah, Poirot prefers to stay in London.

Dulcie Duveen: Too bad!


James Japp and Harold Spence joined the group "Scotland Yard's detectives are not as stupid as they seem to be in crime fictions".

Arthur Hastings joined the group "I may write crime stories inspired by true cases but that does not mean I am John Watson".

Hercule Poirot joined the group "Belgian refugees are the best!".


Hercule Poirot: Je m'ennuie de mon bon ami Hastings.

Arthur Hastings: Oh, Poirot… You still miss me?

Hercule Poirot: You did understand what I said, Hastings? You improved your French, yes? Or perhaps you used the bad Google Translate?

Arthur Hastings: Well, no, I have a good teacher :)

Hercule Poirot: A teacher, Hastings?

Arthur Hastings: Yes.

Hercule Poirot: Who is he?

Arthur Hastings: Use your little grey cells! ;)

Hercule Poirot: …Very well, Hastings.


Ariadne Oliver: Phew, I've finally written the first chapter! :D

Hercule Poirot and 144 others like this.


James Japp: Been to the trial today. John K. Mitchell will be hung tomorrow morning.

James Japp, Hercule Poirot, Harold Spence and 11 others like this.

Hercule Poirot: Excellent, mon ami!

James Japp: Thank you, Poirot!


Ariadne Oliver: God, apple overdose! Must think about eating something else while I'm writing…

159 people like this.


Arthur Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall.

Arthur Hastings: Did you find out who my French teacher is? :)

Hercule Poirot: Not yet, I'm afraid. I've been busy with a case this week.

Arthur Hastings: Oh, let me guess…John K. Mitchell's case, is it not? Everybody's been talking about it and I think I saw your name somewhere…

Hercule Poirot: Yes, Mitchell's case. I'm very tired tonight, Hastings.

Arthur Hastings: Are you all right?

Hercule Poirot: Yes, do not worry.

Arthur Hastings: Then go to sleep old chap!

Hercule Poirot: I will, mon cher ;)

James Japp: Why are you mothering him, Captain Hastings? ;)

Arthur Hastings: Nonsense!

James Japp: Er, what's the matter with the French teacher? :O

Hercule Poirot: Bonne nuit, Inspector! -' Bonne nuit, Hastings!

Arthur Hastings: Good night, Poirot :)


Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings' wall.

Hercule Poirot: Tell me the truth. Who your French teacher is, Hastings?

Arthur Hastings: You haven't guessed it yet? I can't believe it!

Hercule Poirot: Thank you for putting your trust in Poirot, mon ami.

Arthur Hastings: Well, my French teacher is only you, Poirot. (:

Hercule Poirot: Me?

Arthur Hastings: Mais oui, you always speak a mix of French and English and I couldn't help but learn! :D

Hercule Poirot: Oh mon Dieu! You must certainly think I'm a fool for not understand. that earlier, don't you, mon ami?

Arthur Hastings: You're anything but a fool, don't worry.

Hercule Poirot: Oh, you're too kind!

Arthur Hastings: It's because I like you (:

Hercule Poirot: But I like you too, my friend! (:


Arthur Hastings: Next month, I'm going home!

Hercule Poirot likes this.

Hercule Poirot: You mean you will come to England, mon ami?

Arthur Hastings: Yes!

Hercule Poirot likes this.

Hercule Poirot: For how long?

Arthur Hastings: Well, probably one month or two…

Hercule Poirot: Magnifique, mon am!

Arthur Hastings likes this.

Arthur Hastings: Indeed! :P


Arthur Hastings is now in a relationship with Hercule Poirot.

James Japp: Hello, queers!

James Japp likes this.

Dulcie Duveen: …Arthur? O_O

Arthur Hastings: Oh, hell! -' It's not what I wanted to do, sorry Poirot!

Dulcie Duveen: Why aren't you apologizing to me?

James Japp likes this.

James Japp: Hahahahahahaha!

James Japp likes this.

Arthur Hastings: Ah, er, sorry Cinders! D:

Hercule Poirot: Now, if you don't mind, Hastings, I'll change my relationship status…

Arthur Hastings and Dulcie Duveen like this.


Hercule Poirot went from being "in a relationship" to "single".

Arthur Hastings went from being "in a relationship" to "single".

Arthur Hastings is married to Dulcie Duveen.

Arthur Hastings, Dulcie Duveen, Hercule Poirot, Felicity Lemon and 25 others like this.

Hercule Poirot: Toutes mes félicitations! :)

Arthur Hastings likes this.

James Japp: Much better!


Dulcie Duveen has changed her name to Cinderella.


Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Arthur Hastings.

Hercule Poirot: My friend, can you explain to me why you said we were in a relationship?

Arthur Hastings: I'm sorry, Poirot! Like I said, I didn't intend to say that we…er…

Hercule Poirot: Stop being a coward, Hastings, and do not fear to say the words!


Arthur Hastings: Once again, I'm so sorry, so sorry.

Cinderella: Of what?

Hercule Poirot: You and your silly games…

Arthur Hastings: I'm not playing any game, Poirot!

Hercule Poirot: Then, don't apologize over and over again. And you know what I mean.

Cinderella: o_O

Arthur Hastings likes this.


Ariadne Oliver: Ugh, I want to kill Sven Hjerson! Who's with me?

Felicity Lemon: I've never read your novels, but I'm sure you can finish the one you're writing!

Ariadne Oliver likes this.

Ariadne Oliver: Oh, you're so nice, dear… Aren't you the secretary of Monsieur Poirot?

Felicity Lemon likes this.

Felicity Lemon: Yes. :)

Ariadne Oliver: I'll add you as a friend, then! :)

Felicity Lemon likes this.

Felicity Lemon: Sure!


Ariadne Oliver and Felicity Lemon are now friends.

Hercule Poirot likes this.


Vera Rossakoff and Hercule Poirot are now friends.

Vera Rossakoff posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall.

Vera Rossakoff: Hello Hercule! :D

Hercule Poiroff: Countess!

Vera Rossakoff: How are you doing? It's been a while!

Hercule Poirot: Hm, not very well, I'm afraid. And yes, it has.

Vera Rossakoff: Aw, what happened? :(

Hercule Poirot: I'll explain everything to you in private. Thank you for caring.


Arthur Hastings: Sometimes I seriously wish I were clever.

Hercule Poirot, James Japp and 5 others like this.

James Japp: XD

Hercule Poirot likes this.


Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Vera Rossakov.

Hercule Poirot: My friend Hastings said we were in a relationship, but we weren't. The problem is he refuses to tell me why he did such a thing. It upsets me.

Vera Rossakoff: Oh, I see. Perhaps it was just a mistake so he didn't intend anything.

Hercule Poirot: No, I feel there is something wrong with him…

Vera Rossakoff: Did you talk to him since that?

Hercule Poirot: No. He just apologized, but that's not what I want to hear.

Vera Rossakoff: I'm sorry, I really am.

Hercule Poirot: Thank you. I hope everything will be fine.


Private messages between Arthur Hastings and Hercule Poirot.

Arthur Hastings: Fine. I did NOT intend to say that I loved you in that way. It was a mistake. A stupid mistake. Now, would you please stop to be upset with me? It's seriously become childish!

Hercule Poirot: Well, may I remind you it's entirely your fault?

Arthur Hastings: I've apologized and now I've just admitted it was a mistake! What more can I say?

Hercule Poirot: Sorry, mon ami, mais how could you made such a mistake? There is a huge difference between Cinderella's name and mine!

Arthur Hastings: Why is that so important for you, Poirot? Perhaps YOU are in love with ME! And you want me to say I feel the same! But I don't, you stubborn little man!

Hercule Poirot: I'm not in love with you, Hastings! You clearly take your dreams for the reality! x_x And don't avoid my question!

Arthur Hastings: I don't have to answer your foolish question! Now, I think I'll stay in Argentina and cancel my trip to England.


Arthur Hastings: Argentina would miss me too much so I'm staying here!

Cinderella likes this.

Cinderella: Wouldn't you miss me?

Arthur Hastings: Of course I would!

Cinderella likes this.


Hercule Poirot created the group "My best friend is so stupid."

Hercule Poirot changed the name of the group into: "My ex-best friend is so stupid."

Arthur Hastings joined "My ex-best friend is so stupid."


Ariadne Oliver: Oh, dear God. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOO!

126 people like this.

Hercule Poirot: ?

Ariadne Oliver: My computer's just frozen and guess what? I've just realized I forgot to save the chapter I was writing!

Hercule Poirot: Oh no… :(

Felicity Lemon: Poor you! D:

Ariadne Oliver: So I definitely lost the chapter I was working so hard on. UGH! I HATE COMPUTERS AND TECHNOLOGY.

James Japp and 83 others like this.

Hercule Poirot: …Miss Lemon? You're on Facebook instead of working? ôô

Arthur Hastings, James Japp and Vera Rossakov like this.

Felicity Lemon: Oops…

James Japp likes this.

Hercule Poirot: …

James Japp likes this.

James Japp: I wouldn't pay her this month if I were you, Poirot! ;)

Hercule Poirot: Fortunately, you're not Poirot!

James Japp likes this.

James Japp: You're right; fortunately, like you just said!

James Japp likes this.

Hercule Poirot: Not funny, Japp.

James Japp likes this.

Hercule Poirot: Would you please stop liking everything? I'm… er, over notified!

James Japp likes this.

Ariadne Oliver: Don't complain, Poirot! I just lost my file and now I'm receiving one hundred notifications about Felicity Lemon who should be working and two men acting like kids!

James Japp, Hercule Poirot and 194 others like this.


Judith Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot's wall.

Judith Hastings: Oncle Hercule! :)

Hercule Poirot: Oh, bonjour Judith! :) I didn't know you were on Facebook.

Judith Hastings: Well, I am!

Hercule Poirot: Good. How are you?

Judith Hastings: Fine…but I honestly wonder if everything's okay with my father and you, hm?

Hercule Poirot: Why?

Judith Hastings: Well, I just checked his wall and you seem upset with him or something? Plus, he decided not to go to England.

Hercule Poirot: I'm not upset with your father. ._.

Judith Hastings: Really?

Hercule Poirot: Yes.

Judith Hastings: Really, really? oO

Hercule Poirot: Really, really, yes.

Judith Hastings: Really, really, really?

Jack Hastings: Come on, Jud' -' Please, forgive her, Oncle Hercule, she's so childish. :)

Jack Hastings likes this.

Judith Hastings: Oh, fuck you, Jack!

Judith Hastings likes this.

Arthur Hastings: No swearing, Judith; and Jack, be polite to your sister.

Judith Hastings: Ah, hello Dad.

Hercule Poirot: Why are you posting on my wall, Hastings?

Judith Hastings: I KNEW you were upset with him!

Judith Hastings, Jack Hastings and Arthur Hastings like this.

Hercule Poirot: I'm not; I just asked a question, that's all.

Arthur Hastings: Poirot… -'

Judith Hastings likes this.


Ariadne Oliver: I just found out that some kids used MY Sven Hjerson for their "fan fictions". O_O *shocked*

Felicity Lemon: Fan what?

Ariadne Oliver: Fiction! I read one and…it's horrible. *still shocked*

Felicity Lemon: Why? Send me the link!

Ariadne Oliver: Here it is. [LINK]

Felicity Lemon: Your readers find that Sven is compatible with his best friend, that's all. :) What's wrong?

Ariadne Oliver: 'What's wrong?' Well, their stories are so vulgar!

Felicity Lemon: Of course they are. Young people write them after all…though some grown people also write this kind of story…

Ariadne Oliver: You seem to know about it. :)

Hercule Poirot likes this.

Felicity Lemon: …No comment.

Ariadne Oliver: Haha! But hey, I could sue them, couldn't I?

Hercule Poirot: Well, I think you could, chère madame, but I am sure your readers only wanted to have fun with their favourite characters. ;)

Felicity Lemon likes this.

Ariadne Oliver: To have fun? What's fun about that? Plus, er, Sven is not homosexual! _

James Japp: Well, you never mentioned this fact in your novels, did you?

Ariadne Oliver: …Fine. In my future novel, his best friend will try to make love to Sven and the latter will be very disgusted.

James Japp and 338 others like this.

Felicity Lemon: If you do that, I think all your readers will be more inspired to write fan fictions. I mean, impossible romances are always inspiring!

Felicity Lemon Arthur Hastings and Cinderella like this.

James Japp: And so original, hm, hm!

Hercule Poirot likes this.

Felicity Lemon: Whatever, Inspector Japp.

Arthur Hastings, Cinderella and 29 others like this.

Ariadne Oliver: Then, I'll say Sven is homophobe! -'

Hercule Poirot: And all your open-minded readers will be disgusted.

48 people like this.

Ariadne Oliver: So is there any solution?

James Japp: I fear not. Haha!

James Japp likes this.

Ariadne Oliver: Greaaaaaaaat.

Hercule Poirot, James Japp, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon, Cinderella and 93 others like this.


Ariadne Olived created the group "Fan fictions are absurd and should be removed from the Internet."

Ariadne Oliver likes this.


Ariadne Oliver: I went to the Sven Hjerson's fan page and some readers read what I posted earlier and are really sad and disappointed by my reaction. Now, is it normal if I feel I'm a total bitch?

238 people like this.