A.N: 'Allo and welcome to my 12th fanfiction story and technically my first Muppets story, I say technically because I have written one before but I never finished it nor posted it. But do not be scared away by the first-timer introduction bit, for I'm quite confident in my writing abilities that this story will at least be decent for a review. Besides all that happy hoo-ha, this is noncannon to the New Muppets movie as I had written it before the movie came out.
Disclaimer: I do not own the copyrights to the Muppets, the Jim Henson Family Company/Disney does.
It was nighttime and all was quiet at the Muppet house, which was unusual, considering the nature of all the Muppets who lived there. So why was it so quiet? Well, almost everybody went bowling for the evening, and that was a stretch in itself knowing that Animal might eat something he's not supposed to. In any case, not all of the Muppets went bowling; Kermit stayed behind because he wasn't feeling like himself today but he urged the others to go on and have fun without him, leaving Clifford, Scooter, Rowlf, and Fozzie in charge of the chaotic crew, besides he had to catch up on his reading, and he most certainly couldn't read and watch over the crazy antics of the others at the same time. So home Kermit stayed, not realizing that someone else had stayed home.
Kermit had nestled himself comfortably in his big green chair and brought out his new favorite book that he hadn't read in awhile. It was titled Of Fools and Frogs. The frog rendition of, Of Mice and Men, if you will. It was a really good book, but for some reason, after about a half an hour, Kermit just couldn't keep his eyes open and soon fell asleep. Now it was the perfect opportunity for the only other Muppet who stayed home to reveal herself.
In all honesty it truly wouldn't surprise anyone that Miss Piggy would be the other presence that was missing from the rambunctiously rowdy group of chaos that went on the bowling field trip. Oh no, not a surprise at all considering that the diva could care less about the others…half the time…The other half of the time of course she somewhat cared, as Kermit had once put it, they were all just one big happy (weird and crazy) family. Of course the one she truly cared about, more so than even her own life (as she once admitted to Linda Ronstadt) was her beloved Kermie. Speaking of the handsome green frog with the sexy lighter green collar, Kermit just looked so adorable when he was asleep, she didn't want to have to wake him, but when else was she ever going to get a chance to be alone with him like this again? Most likely never.
Needless to say the inevitable happened; Kermit was asleep in his chair until he felt an intense weight in his lap. He woke up instantly, and because he jerked his head upwards in shock- lips were felt upon his in seconds. He knew whom it was kissing him without even fully opening his eyes. Darn it, she caught him by complete surprise again. And as usual, Miss Piggy was persistent in being the dominant one in the relationship as well as whenever she starts kissing him. He knew she tended to "discreetly" encourage him to be a little more dominant, but on one hand he would completely ignore that encouragement and on the other hand his dominance was reserved for working hours at the theater, or if need be, at the studio. Now if he could just get her off of him (as he's starting to loose feeling in his legs)…He saw no other way around it, he would have to give her a taste of her own medicine…just this once! And thank heavens that there's no one else in the house, otherwise he wouldn't be able to live it down.
Well, Miss Piggy would definitely be the one to make sure he didn't live it down. She had him right where she wanted him, and she was completely satisfied in keeping him pinned down beneath her, straddling him and caressing the back of his head as she kissed him passionately. However, as she continued to kiss him, she noticed that he wasn't resisting. Which was strange to her because usually by this point in time, the frog would be wriggling and writhing like a worm on a hook, trying to get away from her. And right now she felt no such movement, and instead, actually felt him kissing back, at this her breathing deepened and she relaxed a little (gotta keep on guard in case he tries to pull something).
Oh, it had been so long since he ever returned her feelings; so long that she had almost forgotten how good of a kisser he was. Well, Christmas was a long time ago to her, or at least that particular Christmas when they almost lost the theater to Ms. Bitterman and in the spur of the moment of his self revelation, (for the lack of a better term) Kermit kissed Miss Piggy without much warning (with the exception that he proclaimed that he didn't need any mistletoe since he's already green).
In any case, the divine porcine felt like she was going to faint from pure joy that her frog was kissing her back. But she was a greedy pig, and in her greed she wanted more of her frog, as she kissed Kermit back trying to regain her dominance in the passionate kiss.
Kermit's legs were definitely numb by now and to make matters worse, he indeed felt Miss Piggy's movement in upping the anti in their kiss. Well, if he was going to regain feeling in his legs by somehow getting the pig off of him, then he was going to have to up the anti on his end as well. He mentally sighed seeing as he had no choice, he would have to use The Tongue. It was 50:50 on the result of using The Tongue; either she'd enjoy it (and hopefully faint, and fall over backwards), or she'd be shocked/disgusted and karate chop him right through his own chair. The latter of which he did not want happening for obvious reasons, but what choice did he have? He'd have to get his legs amputated if he didn't get her off of him within the next hour.
So, gathering up what courage he had, he wrapped his flimsy arms around her waist and pulled her closer (as much as he could anyway). She chuckled at the movement, already liking his newfound brazen antics. Kermit inwardly gulped a few times before opening his mouth mid- (time consuming) -kiss, and deciding to be cautious, stuck his tongue out gently and brushed it against Piggy's lips, and then he waited nervously for a response from her.
The response he got was unexpected as she was all too eager to respond as she thrusted her own tongue into his mouth. Her snout was so big, that her tongue couldn't go very far into his mouth, but then she remembered that he was a frog and his tongue was technically anatomically longer. Well, Kermit certainly made his bed for himself, so he might as well lay in it. It's not like he's got any other options now, because she hasn't fainted yet!
Thus, in his tongue went, bumping into hers and inevitably, the French kissing officially commenced. The frog soon found that his tongue had a mind of its own as it automatically wrapped around Miss Piggy's own tongue. He could feel her breathing elevate from her snout, and honestly it wasn't until then that he himself remembered to breathe. Although he would rather be karate chopped into space than ever admit it, Kermit was enjoying this. Because of all the passion flowing through their lips (and at the moment, tongues), he had completely forgotten why he never wanted this…with her. After all, the greatest thing one ever learns is just to love and be loved in return. Now he regretted more than ever, for making Miss Piggy feel the disappointing sting of unrequited love, even for a second.
Unknowingly, he deepened the kiss and in response, and so did Miss Piggy. So indulged were they in their lip-locking, tongue wrestling passion exchange that they didn't even notice the front door burst open with dozens, if not hundreds of Muppets having returned so soon from the bowling field trip. The first few of those said Muppets, who happened to be in the front of the pack, stopped dead in their tracks and managed to stop and shush the chaos behind them as they stared at the odd phenomenon in the living room.
There was nothing but dead silence from the onlookers, and they were mostly bewildered and very few of them were actually slightly disgusted, but all were extremely surprised that the frog had finally given in to the pig at last. Even though this technically wasn't the first time that the entire gang had witnessed Kermit willingly kiss Miss Piggy. No, that first time was at Christmas, the year they almost lost the theater to Ms. Bitterman. But this was a little more passionate than the one they all saw at Christmas, and because of Miss Piggy's temper no one even dared to say anything, no one said "get a room!" nor did Johnny Fiama let out a teasing "Alright, where's his secret stash of booze?" No one spoke up immediately, but eventually only the smallest and the youngest of them had the guts to say anything, but this was more out of concern for his Uncle than fear of the pig's wrath.
"Uncle Kermit?" softly cried Robin who had just reached the front of the crowd, so no one up front had noticed him in time to cover his eyes. Scooter was the one who did now, noticing that he was closest to the little frog.
The frog and pig couple froze, Kermit quickly retracted his tongue hoping that no one noticed it for fear of being further ridiculed later, and in his embarrassment, his true feelings for Miss Piggy (which had sparked over the course of the kiss) had vanished as quickly as they had came, and were instantly masked with the feelings he had always shown whenever she was around on a normal day. He pulled his head back as far as he could, practically sinking in his chair. Miss Piggy, of course, was not in the least bit pleased to have been interrupted, and now it would be an excruciatingly long time before she ever got to be with Kermit like that again!
"Uh, it-it's not what it looks like?" Kermit ventured quite guiltily with a shrug.
"Well, it looks like you and the pig had a lot of catchin' up ta do if ya know what I mean," Floyd responded instantly with a chuckle. Even Floyd understood how sensitive Kermit was about his pork problem, so he wisely chose not to embarrass the frog further.
"Ugh, then it's exactly what it looks like," Kermit groaned nervously, and sank even further into his chair than was thought possible.
At last Miss Piggy hopped off poor Kermit's lap, shooing away the onlookers using threats to cut 'em in half and of course the occasional karate chop. Rowlf took the liberty of sending Robin off to bed and tuck him in. Kermit, the poor thing, stifled a gasp of relief for his aching legs as she got off.
"Alright show's over Nothin' more to see here!" Miss Piggy turned back to Kermit once the majority of the personal threat retreated. "Kermie? Oh Kermie I'm so sorry about all this, I-!"
"What are you apologizing for Piggy? We let our passions get the best of us and the others caught us in the act. That's all there is to it," He cut her off easily, getting out of his chair and headed to the back door through the kitchen. In his mind, she really did have nothing to be sorry for. After all, he was the one who insinuated the Frenching.
Miss Piggy on the other hand was flabbergasted at his quick, calm statement as she followed him. Shouldn't he be angry right now? Usually when he's bombarded her advances he gets so flustered that he gets from irritated to angry in a heartbeat if they're in the presence of others.
"So, so vous are just okay with what just happened?" Piggy asked when she got over most of her shock that prevented her from speaking after his sudden statement. Kermit went through the back door and into the backyard and started walking the perimeter in one giant circle, glancing at her as he spoke.
"Of course I am. I'm the one who started the Frenching bit so why shouldn't I be?" he said simply, there wasn't a hint of anger in his voice.
"Well, yes, but usually vous would get angry after something like this happens!"
"Uh, yeah, but that's because you're usually the only one putting any effort in…in… in the lovey-dovey jar! And this time we both put our two cents in the lovey-dovey jar, and that's why I'm not angry." Now he was getting flustered, but not yet irritated .
"Well, if you're not angry then why are vous walking around in circles out here?"
"Oh, uh, I'm just tryin' to regain some feeling into my legs…you smothered me with so much love and affection that the lower half of my body went numb," Kermit explained quickly so as not to offend her. Thankfully she bought it, or at least dismissed it for now as she grabbed his arm, prompting him to stop walking.
"Kermie, are vous sure vous are not angry at moi?"
"Of course I'm sure, ya want me to prove it to you?"
"Well, I don't see how you'd-!" He cut her off with a genuine, bona fide kiss. She was instantly stupefied by it for several seconds, even after he pulled away, she was simply left in place stunned, and that's saying something when it comes down to the pig in question.
It took a few good minutes before she came back to her senses and when she did, she looked at Kermit square in the eye for a moment and then put the back of her hand to his forehead. Kermit was surprised a bit by this action, for when she looked at him square in the eye she looked ready to karate chop him into next week-probably to be back on Tuesday.
"Are vous absolutely sure vous is feeling alright?" He swatted her hand away from his forehead, but kept it in his own hand.
"Piggy, I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me," He said calmly in an effort to calm her down, but apparently she wouldn't have any of it.
"Well, vous haven't entirely been acting like vouself lately, Kermie," Miss Piggy pointed out worriedly. This was actually true, though Kermit himself thought it wouldn't make a difference to anyone around him. However, it seems to have just become apparent to him that Miss Piggy was the main exception, then another thought, well it does make sense, she practically revolves around him when the world isn't revolving around her. As far as acting a little differently goes, Kermit was only sleeping in a little later than usual, and it was only strange because usually he was the first one up aside from Rowlf…always.
"You've noticed? For, uh, how long?" He asked admittedly with a gulp, releasing her hand slowly.
"For weeks! In fact, moi thinks that moi is the only one who's even noticed that you haven't been yourself at all lately!" She threw her arms up in exasperation for emphasis, and then she softened her tone. "So what's going on Kermie?"
"Well, uh, I haven't been thinking like myself lately either," Kermit admitted shyly. This was also true, for something – no, someone had been plaguing his mind as of late. And she was standing right in front of him and staring him down at the moment.
"What does that have to do with anything Kermit?" Uh-oh, she's starting to get angry, might as well counter as calmly as possible.
"My line of thinking leads to how I act, Piggy."
"That still doesn't explain why you've been acting weird lately," Piggy retorted, and made her point by tapping her foot impatiently. Kermit knew he had to fess up, or this night would never end, but first he had to know what she knew…or figured out anyway.
"Ugh, fine, but first tell me what behavioral changes you've noticed…besides getting out of bed later than usual."
"Well besides that, you haven't been eating as much, and I'm positive that it's got nothing to do with the Swedish Chef's cooking. Then there's the fact that you haven't been putting you're usual effort to getting everyone to be quiet when you have to announce how things should go for the day. And finally, there's this evening. Yeah! This evening! You left Clifford, Scooter, Rowlf, and Fozzie in charge of everyone when they all went out to go bowling. And you stayed behind! You never stay behind!"
"You stayed behind too, Piggy," He teased to lighten the mood a little, but it didn't work.
"Because I was worried about you Kermit! I stayed behind to cheer you up! Now tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong its, its just that-!"
"Just what frog?" She asked with an impatient tone that could easily be confused with the one level of anger away from karate chopping tone.
"It's just that I…I…" He paused, he gulped, he took a deep breath knowing he would have to say it otherwise she'd never leave him alone about his strange behavior. "I LOVE YOU!" He blurted out at last, flailing his arms and panting once it was out. "I'VE SLOWLY BEEN FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I DIDN'T FIGURE OUT THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU UNTIL that, that, THAT MOMENT IN MY CHAIR!" More flailing, and more panting. Anyone in the house looking out at the frog and pig from their windows most likely thought the frog finally done and gone lost his mind.
Miss Piggy on the other hand was stunned yet again. Never, did she think he would ever say it (outside a script anyway). Those three wonderful little words that she often said to him, but in return he would only blush and tenderly say "I know." She still wasn't even sure if he really said it or not, even though he sort of said it three times. Still she had to make sure. "What?"
"Piggy, don't make me say it again," He sighed. "I said it three times already," He mumbled as he turned to walk back into the house, but she grabbed his arm before he got too far.
"No, vous said it only once those other two don't count because there were more words in between, therefore making them indirect. Oh please, Kermie? I just want to make sure moi heard you correctly," she pleaded with those big sparkling blue eyes of hers, drilling a hole into him to make him say it again. He knew he couldn't resist the look she was giving him for long, especially since she was making her own eyes literally sparkle. A technique she used whenever she saw him, usually for scripts that required her to "meet Kermit for the first time." Kermit took a deep breath and sighed, knowing that if he didn't say it again, she'd break his arm.
"Fine…I love you," He said sincerely.
"Oh Kermie," Miss Piggy cooed as she maneuvered his arm around her waist, bringing him in closer. Close enough to kiss, and kiss him she did. Right on the lips, and she truly knew he was being sincere because he was returning her kiss.
After five seconds Kermit tried to pull away, but soon found that Miss Piggy had no intention of letting him get away anytime soon. Yep, she was gonna milk every last drop out of this for all it was worth. And knowing the rest of the house, they'd most likely milk it too, by mostly teasing him about his affairs with the pig for years to come.
Yeesh, what kinda mess did he get himself into?
"A really BIG one, that's what!"
"Do, ho, ho, ho, ho!"