Summary: Katniss isn't happy. Its been months since she came back from the Hunger Games and she still hasn't answered her question: Does she loved Peeta? Now of days, even though she is dating Gale and they have a son named Jake, she still tries to find the answer. For now, her goals are to try to love Gale more than like a brother and enjoy the time she has left with her son because the capital has a plan for him- and a punishment for her.
A/N: This is first story so please send me advice to help me make it better. And… any advice for lemons. There is attempted one in here. Hope its good enough for the story J
"Peeta." I see him laying in the stream, hurt. Then things shift. I see him as a kid again, tossing me the burnt bread without looking my way. Shifts. We are in the cave, kissing. Shifts. Running for our lives to the Cornucopia. Shift. Cato threatening to kill Peeta. Shift. Leaving the station with Peeta when we got back from the Games. Shift. Saying goodbye to him. The last time I saw him since we got home. We said goodbye and just left, both hurt.
'No, say something to him. Don't let him leave like that!' I tried screaming but no sound came out and we continued walk away from each other. 'No, no, no, no, no, no…!'
"NO! No, no, no, no!" I screamed.
"Katniss! Wake up!" Gale wakes me up and holds me. "It was just a dream, Catnip. You're ok." He soothes me.
I wipe eyes, realizing I was crying. I take deep breathes, hoping to calm myself. After a few minutes, I pull away from Gale and look up at him.
"Your welcome. Was it about the Games again?" he asks, pulling me back into his heart and stroking my hair.
"Yeah." I lie. I do have nightmares about my time in The Hunger Games, but this isn't one of those. I never have the heart to tell him when I dream of Peeta. Whether they're dreams or nightmares like what I just. Gale and I have been dating since a couple weeks after I got back from the Games. Believe or not, I don't think of that as a day. That day was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
I had been back home for 3 weeks now. Gale has to work in the mines now he graduated from school so we could only hunt on Sundays, his day off. He had been acting weird since I came back. I thought it because he thought me and Peeta were a couple, but after I told him, he still acted weird. And happier. I didn't understand why at the time and that makes me angry at myself. Why didn't I see it? If I had understood how he felt at the time then maybe I could have changed things. Maybe I could have prevented all of this from happening. But I didn't. At the time, I couldn't figure it out so I finally asked him about. God, I wish that I didn't.
"I'm in love with you, Katniss…. I have been for a while now." he said, scaring me. Love is such a dangerous thing. It destroyed my friendship with Gale and caused me to now live my lie my whole life.
"I…. love you, too." I told him.
But of course I lied. At least about the way I love him. I've always thought of Gale like my brother. I have never gave any thought about loving him in any other way. I didn't, and still don't, love him like that. But how could I tell him that? I didn't want to hurt him. If I told him I didn't feel the same, he'd probably be uncomfortable around me. And what if he started dating someone else and stayed away from? I couldn't take that. So, to try to hold everything together, I lied to him. So we have been dating for months now. Though, they haven't been easy for us. Crying starts echoing down the hall. Jake's up.
"Here, I'll go take care of Jake. So just relax in here, ok, Catnip?" Gale tells me as he leaves the room to take care of our son. Yes, our son. Like I said, things haven't been easy for us. Actually, things seem downright hard. I never wanted kids, which makes things worse. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but I regret the night we made him.
It was 3 weeks after I started dating Gale. We were in my house at the Victors Village. We were just hanging out in my new room. Not really doing anything. In fact, he seemed to have a lot on his mind. Which is why I should of knew things would go wrong if I asked about it. But, again, I didn't know and I asked him anyway.
"Do you really love me, Katniss?" he asked me.
"Of course," I lied again. "Why'd you ask me that?"
"It seems like you're always trying to pretend that we aren't a couple and you seem so upset when I kiss you."
"You're just imagining things." I lied, hating that I'd probably have to do this for the rest of our lives. He was quiet for a few moments, thinking, then he continued .
"I want you to prove that you love me." He told me.
"How?" That was when I started worrying about where he was heading with this.
Then, without any warning, he kissed me and made me lay down on my bed. It has always seemed so creepy, him kissing me, so I never let him do it much. And this is more than just kissing. We were making out. If there was ever a point in my life where I was so naïve, it was then. I thought, since we have never made out before, that that was all he wanted from me. Yep, I was naïve.
Then he started to pull off my shirt and I stopped him right there.
"What are you doing?" I asked him incredulously. Then he look me in the eyes and his reflected pain, from just suspecting that my love is fake, and my hurt felt like it shattered.
"Prove to me that you love me." He told me, though it almost sounded like a beg. Almost. Just like he almost seemed vulnerable. Almost. Which is more than I ever thought that I'd see from him. I mean, Gale? Vulnerable? Begging? That would never happen. Gale always been too strong for that. But I never thought I'd see him this close.
"Ok." I said, silently begging for a way out. So he starting to take my clothes off again, beginning with my shirt and ending with my black lacy panties. Which made me blush because you'd never think that me, Katniss Everdeen, would ever where something like that. Well, I normally don't. My mom gave them to me, wanting to wear them, saying I should dress, little by little, by the very least, like the teens that live in town and not in the Seam. She wanted me to dress better, she said, so I started wearing them, but only because I've been trying to accept things from her more, though I never really imagined that she give me these. Its doesn't matter anymore though. Besides, they're off now.
When all my clothes were off I helped him with his, hesitating when I got to his boxers, but they went off, too. Then he went right to it. No foreplay or anything. He just went inside, which hurt like hell at first, but I felt nothing but pleasure. I still didn't want it to be happening, though. When we were done, I just laid with my head on his chest while he played with my hair, his eyes closed. And I just felt awful for doing that. Especially with him. The things I have to do to keep will always hurt me. I guess that's how things have to be.
A couple weeks later, I went to my mom, worried. My period was a week late and I was feeling sick. That day, she told me I was pregnant and I was scared. I forced myself to tell Gale. I thought he'd be upset, that he'd understand that we don't need this right now. But I was wrong. He was totally ecstatic about it and, for him, I pretended the same. Inside though, I was terrified. I was only 17! I shouldn't be a mom now. To add to it, I never wanted kids. Its not that I don't like kids, its just that I never wanted to bring an innocent child into the world that would have a chance at being in the Hunger Games and, since I'm a victor now, I knew my child would definitely be in it.
When my 3rd month came around, the capital had a mandatory broadcast for the districts to watch and me and Gale watched it at my house, along with my mom, Prim, and Haymitch. President Snow came on the TV and said he had some news. He announced that there wasn't going to be anymore Hunger Games for a while. Said that we will have the 75th Hunger Games the year that we would have had the 87th. He said he wanted to make that one a very special one so he was going to take 12 years or so on it. Gale tensed up next to me and then started to look furious, like he was ready kill someone. Haymitch had a haunted look go over him and my mom started to cry.
"What does this mean?" I asked them. It seemed like the only other person who didn't understand was Prim.
"It means" Haymitch began "That Snow is having an arena special made for your kid to fight in. One that is going take so long to build so they can make it extra deadly and cause it to stop all other Games till that one."
"No!" Gale yelled, then bashed his fist into a lamp and crashed into the wall on the other side of the room.
I was scare, beyond scared. Because of me, of my trick in the arena, my baby will die a painfully death at 12 years old. He will be punished because I lived. I didn't know what to do. I was too scared to even cry. So I just cradled my stomach.
"I love you." I said to it. "And I'm so sorry."
Gale comes in with Jake and sits him on my lap. Jake is 7 months old. I try not to think that I have 11 years and 5 months left with him. I try to enjoy my time with him and waste it worrying. I smile at him and kiss him on his head. He looked up and smiles at me. I truly love my son. But why can't I love his father like I should? And then there is that question that I have been trying to answer since I first came off the train all those months ago. Do I love Peeta?