Rage and Grace: Chapter I: Rage and Grace

She wakes up
Rage and grace
Pulling me closer
Pushing away
And me the sharpest thorn on Your vine
Twisting and turning were all Intertwined

Broken wing
Empty glass
Words that scream and bounce Right back
She says, "You know, we'd all like to rearrange"

It would be funny if it wasn't so horrible. I've stood by as a good friend for all these years while she kept making mistakes with all the 'bad boys.'

I suppose I should apologize for not being an ass hole. I suppose I could make up for the fact that I am polite. I suppose I could be sorry that I don't want to hurt her. But I'm not.

There are plenty of people out there that want to get in line to hurt her... and after every time I'll pick up the pieces and put her back together. I never understood guys treating girls like shit and they stick around. I never understood how someone could say you're ugly and you let them. Shouldn't you leave them for that? No... I guess I'm just a good guy... and from what I've heard good guys finish last. Well truthfully I am a good guy... but that doesn't mean I lack a dark side. Everyone has that dark side they hide from other people... whether it be addiction, or they hide the good part of them hoping no one will see it. Everyone has something to hide. And my something to hide is how much I need her. I am a patient man... and I can wait... but how long does one need to wait before they miss there chance?

Maybe I don't want to be hurt by my last remaining friend. My best friend moved to parts unknown with his young girlfriend years ago... he's set up to knock her up and start a family. Part of me is disgusted by the whole situation, the other part is envious, imprinting.. the idea that you see someone, and the rest of your life is decided. Wouldn't that be a pleasant idea? Knowing that you'd never have the real fear of falling out of love. Maybe then they'd never break your heart. Maybe I'm just too jaded to see the difference between love and destiny.

I've watched dirt-bag after sleazeball come in to her life. She rejected some but let others in. each one of them were friendly enough when they started but I knew they were all wrong for her. Or did I know? Did I just want them to all be wrong for her? Every time it happened it broke my heart a little. And I'd be lying if I said every time she came to me crying over the last asshole that I felt a bit better. Maybe that's my sin for hoping my best friends relationships all fail. I get to comfort the most gorgeous person I've ever known and at the end of the night she'll smile with tears in her eyes and say "I'm so glad we're just friends..." I smile back and say nothing. She doesn't need a boyfriend right now... she needs a best friend. I keep telling myself. And I'll be that friend until she meets the next douche bag.

Why the hell can't she see it? I'm right here standing in front of her! She never asked for forgiveness for pointing out that I was a bastard but I forgave her anyway. What the hell do I have to do?

Maybe it's my fault for not taking initiative. Maybe I should try one of those god awful pick up lines. 'hey those pants look skin tight, how do you in to those?' Believe me I'm a red blooded man. I want her in ways she'd never know. Nah that one is pretty bad. Hmmm maybe a different one. 'Want to have pizza and a fuck? Or don't you like Pizza?' Nah that one is too presumptuous. I guess that's just something I'm not comfortable doing.

Where do I even start? 'Hey yeah it's nice to hear from you, ya want to come over for some hot meaningless sex?' No... that won't work she means too much to me still. She means so much more to me than that. Is that all she wants? Is that why she'll never see me?

Well whatever the reason I'm too tired of waiting on the sidelines hoping for a miracle. Carpe Diem, Seize the carp, and all that bullshit. I should have done this years ago but I was too afraid to lose my best friend, but if I don't I'll lose her eventually. To alcoholism, drug addiction, an abusive boyfriend, or death. I can't keep waiting.

I slowly open my eyes and throw on some jeans ignoring my morning hard on. Every... fucking... morning... I made my way through the house. I'd long since moved out of my mom's house after opening up a music store in forks. After the Volturi left I started playing piano. It was the only thing I could do to calm me down. It seemed almost unnatural how much playing the piano calmed me.

After Jacob and the Cullens left I started playing drums. I still live in a small town so I had to buy an electric drum set. After Sam quit phasing I picked up the bass guitar. By the time Jared and Paul stopped phasing I had taught myself guitar. And by the time Seth, Brady, Collin stopped phasing I had opened up my music store. One of the pluses of remaining a phasing wolf was I didn't need a whole lot of sleep... so I started recording songs and putting them online, making a little bit of money doing that also. That left us as the last two wolfs. We were charged with protecting the rez... or at least that's what we kept saying. We were young and free of aging, and we'd stay that way until we found a reason to stop.

I wasn't rich, I got by and enjoyed life for the most part. I had one high school student from the rez who worked the store with me. After all... someone else might notice the strange things... like how much I ate, or how little I aged.

It was about that time. I sighed throwing on a Breaking Benjamin shirt. I looked down realizing I was still hard. I stopped myself and looked at my cell phone as if realizing I might be late would make me any less horny. My God I just want to take Leah by the hips and... That's not helping... I thought angrily. My phone started ringing. I picked it up.

"Hey Leah, I was just thinking about you." How badly I want to... Not helping. I thought staring down at the tent in my pants.

"Really? Ahh you're so nice Embry." Yeah I'd like to be nice to you in a different way. Stop it! Damn it I hate being this horny.

"So what's up?"

"Nothing much I was just wondering if you wanted to do something soon." I would like to do a lot of things to you... I mean with you. I breathed in and out slowly forcing myself to clean my head out.

"Yeah of course, what are you doing this friday?" I asked.

"Oh sorry, I'm going out with Jay." That lucky bastard... I thought of her current boyfriend.

"How about Thursday night?" I resigned myself to realizing it was the best I was going to get.

"Yeah sure."

"Cool I'll be over at the apartment at seven We'll figure out what we can do together from there."

"I look forward to it." I said before hanging up the phone. I sighed heavily. I looked down at the tent in my pants. Now what are we going to do about you?

Hey folks, this is my first chapter I've written of a smut fic before so I'm not really sure how I'm doing. Please leave your comments. I've written some sex scenes in the past and have been told I'm really good at them but I'm working on the build up right now. So please give me any suggestions or reviews you have thanks. ~Wolves on Parade/Ed the Undead