Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. That's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's just...I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're rushing this too much. I'm eighteen years old, for crying out loud. I don't want to be his wife right now; maybe in ten years or so but for now I'm happy just being Bella Swan. He doesn't understand, though. And why should he? He's been waiting for this moment for almost ninety years. To be married; to have a wife; someone to call his own. But that's not me; it's never been me.
They say you have to make sacrifices in love but why does my sacrifice have to be so very big. Why can't he just accept that we want different things? Or in actual fact, why can't he realise that I want the same thing as he does-to be together forever. I just don't want to marry him right at this moment. Marriage is a huge deal and to be honest, although I love Edward with all my heart (or almost all of it anyway), I don't know him that well. I would like a chance to get to know him better before I marry him but maybe I'm being ridiculous. I've already promised myself to him forever so what difference will a piece of paper make.
I really have to stop lying to myself. Of course I want to marry Edward; I just don't want the "big white wedding" thing. That's the real crux of the matter; I hate being put on show and having people watch me make a fool of myself. It's superficial, sure, but it's the truth. And he's Edward Cullen whereas I'm plain little Bella Swan. That's another thing; he's perfect and I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I know what people think when they see us together: what's that handsome young man doing with that unattractive little nobody? I wish everyday that I looked like Rosalie or even Alice but I don't. I look like me: stupid brown curls and stupid brown eyes and stupid full lips. On the other hand, Edward is all perfect bronze locks and perfect butterscotch eyes and perfect crooked grin and perfect toned body. See what I mean about perfect; it practically oozes out of him.
To this day, I still have no idea what he's doing with me but there you go. They say that love is blind. Well, Edward is most definitely blind when it comes to me. Or maybe I simply intrigue him, you know, with the whole "can't read my mind" thing. This is stupid; I'm supposed to be preparing for my wedding; I'm supposed to be getting ready to marry the man I love and instead I'm sitting here wondering why he loves me. He loves me because I'm me and to him I'm perfect. That's what he says and I believe him. Whatever problems I have with myself are up to me to fix. I can't keep pushing all of my insecurities (that I had way before meeting Edward may I add) onto Edward; it's not fair. And it's stupid. And idiotic. And I'm not going to do it anymore because it makes me sad when I'm supposed to be happy. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. And it isn't because of me.
I wish Jake would call me; I just want to hear the sound of his voice. Is that too much to ask? I really have got to stop thinking about Jake. I'm writing an entry in my diary about Edward and suddenly I veer off to mope about Jake and the fact that he hasn't called me. I suppose I know why that is though. I never really came to terms with my feelings for Jacob Black because at the end of the day I love him too and that's not going to change.
He and I have a bond that I've never experienced with anyone else; not even Edward. He's more than a best friend; he's my soul mate. That might sound really corny but it's true. Edward Cullen is the love of my life and Jacob Black is my soul mate.
He'll never forgive me though. Jake, I mean. I broke his heart when I went back to Edward, I pulled it out of his chest when I agreed to marry Edward and I stepped all over it when I told him I loved him but that it didn't change anything. I loved Edward more. What I did was awful and there's a part of me that does wish I had chosen Jacob but, I guess, if there wasn't then I never really loved him at all.
I miss him but I can't tell Edward that. Although I think he knows. He understands or he thinks he does anyway. He's not jealous though, I don't think. I think he understands that I love Jake but he probably doesn't understand how much I love him. He would be angry if he did; I know I would be if I were him.
Oh Jake, where are you? You would be the one keeping me calm right about now and telling me not to be such an idiot. I'm just scared, that's what he'd say, and that the fear will go the moment I see Edward at the end of that aisle. Jake's very smart, you know, and mature too. He's perceptive in a way that you would never imagine on a sixteen year old boy. He's special; very, very special. I wish he'd come to the wedding but I can't expect him to. I wouldn't want to see the person I loved marrying someone else. It would be my idea of hell on earth but I sent him an invite all the same. So he can make the decision. I really hate those people who say "I'm having a party but you don't have to come", for some totally false reason; it's really just a person's way of saying "I'm having a party but I don't want you to come" in a really underhand way.
I sent the invite because I want him there; I need him there. But I can't force him to come; no-one can. And, anyway, no-one knows where he is, not even Billy. It's heartbreaking to know that he left because if me; that I hurt him so much he felt he had no other choice but to leave his home, his family, his brothers. And that breaks my heart. To know that I hurt him in that way is soul destroying. You read books about girls who do that; fall in love with two people and have to choose and you think when you're reading it "oh my god, what an absolute bitch", and then it happens in real life. It's not so easy then but it doesn't stop the girl being an absolute bitch.