Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Babysitting (Part 2)
Last time on I Try my Hand at (gods it sounds strange like that):
After Sunday's sermon, that black hearted priest Kotomine and his equally annoying daughter invited a collection of the most annoying people in the world to brunch. I protested but alas, no one listens to the one who used to be the most powerful man on Earth. Every mongrel in Fuyuki was invited it seemed. The Faker was there, as was his younger self and Saber. Rider and the Matou girl came with Caster, Tohsaka, that boring teacher, and the Einzbern meat doll. Someone had even brought a webcam for Sasaki Kojiro.
As if it couldn't get any worse, Kotomine refused to let me eat with them, despite how good the food looked. Of course, that was all part of his scheme. Within minutes, every one of our guests had reverted to children, thanks to one of my stolen potions of youth. The only person spared from this fate was Ilya, and only because she had the body of a child already. Magic makes no sense sometimes. And so, when last I wrote of this bizarre situation, Lancer and I were prepared to deal with the preschool class that had suddenly appeared in the church courtyard.
Before I speak of the following events, I must do my best to describe the utmost joy I felt upon seeing the childlike form of Saber. Her dignified face was preserved perfectly, and yet she still stood with grace and elegance. Unlike the crying Sakura or the oblivious Caren, she stood tall and proud (if only to a height of 3 and a half feet). It was as though the rays of the sun shone from her face. Seeing such a sight, I gripped my chest, prepared for the heart attack caused by a Noble Phantasm of pure cuteness.
"Hey, boss," said Lancer, nudging my shoulder. "You gonna be ok?"
"In a moment," I said in a pained voice, still clutching my chest. "I need to resist this power."
Lancer looked at me like I was a fool and said, "Gilgamesh, it's just Saber as a kid. What's the problem?"
I spun around immediately. "Its not just a childlike Saber! Childlike Saber is the 3rd best Saber! It ranks just below regular Saber and Lion Saber, and right above beach day Saber! I should know. Caster showed me her figure collection!"
Lancer continued to stare at me. "I'm sorry I asked," he said after a moment. "But more importantly, what are we going to do about this."
I turned and stared at the situation unfolding before us. Certainly, the easiest to deal with was Kuzuki. That boring man (er… kid) was doing nothing but sit. Seriously, how could such a boring person expect to make an impression on me? Perhaps that was his origin, blandness. But nevermind that. I pushed the thoughts from my head and waded through the children to Kuzuki. Upon grabbing him, I placed him in a chair.
"Sit here," I said, "and don't move."
He didn't even answer, and just nodded yes. Next to him on the table, Assassin was watching from his webcam. The long haired Servant wore an expression of absolute glee on his face, and giggled quietly to himself.
"King of Heroes!" he exclaimed between laughs, "Truly this is the greatest day of my life."
"If only you were here to provide assistance, you useless man," I grumbled back.
"If only," he said with a wide smile. "I was always good at taking care of kids. I can handle three at once!"
As he spoke, Rider charged by and tackled Kuzuki off the chair. "Horse horse!" she said. "We'll play horse!"
Fittingly enough, Kuzuki did not protest, and soon Rider was sitting on the man's back as he crawled along the ground. Lancer was busy dealing with Caren, who had crawled over to grab his leg. She hugged it tightly, immediately immobilizing the dog of Culann. Then all hell broke loose.
Tohsaka ran over and grabbed Lancer's other leg. She happily clung to it even as Lancer tried to pry her off. That just provoked Archer and the Emiya boy. Jealous of the attention Lancer was getting from Tohsaka, they charged towards him screaming. Lancer didn't stand a chance as Shirou's foot connected with his groin. Crying out in pain, Lancer fell backwards, only for the two Emiyas to jump on top of him. I looked away after that. I didn't want to watch anymore.
"Gah! Stop biting!" shouted Lancer, and I turned my head back. Suddenly I wanted to watch this to the end, especially if it gave the Hound more pain. Archer and Emiya were biting him like tiny zombies. At least they did until he played dead (something Lancer was particularly good at). The two then turned their attention to Tohsaka.
"Hey Rin!" said Shirou. "I saved you from Lancer."
"Stupid kid!" replied Archer. "I was the one that really saved her. You'll never be a hero."
I could see a situation forming. Archer and Shirou glared at each other, trying to stare the opposite down. Taking his chance, Lancer pulled back, grabbing Tohsaka and Caren to get them out of the way. Then the fight began. Shirou tried to push Archer down and Archer slapped him in the face. Tears were forming in Shirou's eyes, and he slapped Archer back. Well, so much for an epic battle. What followed was merely an epic slap fight.
Then, after a particularly powerful slap, Shirou ran crying to me, tugging on my pants. I masked my displeasure. What right did this Faker have to cry his miserable tears on my clothes? Then he spoke between sobs. "Mr. Gilgamesh! Archer says I can't be a hero!"
I prepared to reply, but seeing that little idiot's crying face actually managed to soften my heart. I sighed, and lowered myself to look him in the eye. "Listen to me," I said. "A hero is a man who carries all the burdens of the world on his back. No matter who tells him otherwise, a man who protects what is his can be called a hero."
"What do you protect Mr. Gilgamesh? You're a hero right?"
That's… that's not cute at all. It's really not. There's no way I thought it was cute. "Of course I am a hero? Could one with such magnificence as me not be a man that the world looks up to? Indeed, I protect everything valuable in this world."
"You're really cool Mr. Gilgamesh!" said Shirou. His tears had stopped and he ran over to Sakura and Saber, shouting about how he was going to protect them now and be a hero. Maybe I felt a pang of jealousy then, but I had a bit more pride in the inspiration that I had given him. Besides, I wasn't going to let this go by without using a memory stealing potion on all of them, including Lancer. I'd spare Kotomine, if only because he'd definitely pull this damnable prank again if he forgot it.
Surprisingly, Shirou's little speech had calmed Sakura down. The girl was no longer crying, and with a wide smile she hugged the boy. Saber followed, and after a moment of tension between the two girls, they both hugged him together. That was… definitely a bit cute.
"That was bad," said Lancer. He walked over to be, breathing heavily. Bite marks were all over him, and his vibrantly colored shirt was scuffed and dirty.
"Maybe for you," I said with a callous grin. "I found it quite amusing. To think Lancer can be defeated by two children. How embarrassing!"
"I will pay you all the money I have if you shut up," he said dejectedly.
I laughed, "No matter how much money you have, it is pointless. I have no use for such a small amount."
"I forgot," he said. "Well, maybe I'll just convince Saber to come visit every once in a while. She certainly likes me better than you."
I didn't respond. Since I was going to wipe their memory later, I didn't need to negotiate with him. Instead of shutting up, I simply stomped on his foot. Through his cries of pain, I'm sure Lancer understood what I meant.
"I'm surprised Goldy," said Ilya. "You managed to keep a firm hand on the situation. This could have been a disaster."
Looking around at the courtyard filled with children, all I could mutter was "It is a disaster."
"That's not true," she said with a huff. "Nothing got destroyed, and you kept Archer from beating up Shirou. And Lancer didn't even die!"
Lancer's eyes widened as he shouted, "Is that supposed to be an accomplishment? I don't make a habit of dying!"
Ignoring Lancer, I smiled. "Perhaps you're right, Einzbern."
Indeed she was. I wasn't going to admit it, but she was. No doubt Kotomine expected this to be a disaster. Maybe he bought an insurance plan for the church and expected it to burn down in the chaos. But he was wrong. Despite everything, I managed to keep everything under control.
Then, Rider charged by again, riding Saber this time. Well, I thought with a shrug. Almost under control.
Author's note: Finally another chapter. Just decided to throw this out while I had time. Hope you enjoy it. As usual, I take suggestions by review and PM.