author note: I normaly prefer american commics 2 japanesse comics butt I recenty start reeding hetalia an it wuz relly funny! So dis iz a hetalia fanfik where my country (canada!) turns in2 a crazy dude (wondering why? Read teh story 2 find out!) There's also a crossover but I wont say whut it iz cus that wood bee a spoiler!
Canada Goes Bonkers: An Epic Hetalia Fanfiction
"So one day, amerika decide 2 invad canadia. I SHALL INADE CNADA! said amerika and he laffed evily bcuz he wuz evil. and taht wuz how teh War of 1812! happen" said england, who waz explein the histoyr of da War of 1812 to China.
"fascinating!" said Cihna, doing teh Spock-eyebrow-thingy as he take notes in a notebook. South italy walkd in2 da room and overhard tehyr conversaton. "WTF THAT WAS NOT HOW TEH WOAR OF 1812 HAPPEN U R GIVING A BIASED ACCUNT OF HISRTORYS!" south italy said agnirily.
"How do YOU kno? U werent there!" said angland
"I READ IT IN A HISSTORY BOOK" SAID SOUTH ITALY
"U CANT BLEEVE EVRYTHANG U REED IN BOOKS, DUMMASS" SAID ENGLANND
"U R A STOOPID BUTTHEAD" SAID SOUTH ITALY. England and south Italy jumped on each other an startd 2 beat each other up. While engalnd and south iatly wer fihgting, Chinha was gong thru da notes he taken and wws confusified bcuz tehy all looke acurate to HIM. "uh, guyz? might I maek an sugeston?" he said. Engand and sorth Itily stopped fightin 4 a minuet so tehy coud to lissen 2 china.
"y dont u assk canada waht relly happend? HE wuz da one whoo got invaded" said Chiana. England jumped off south italy. "an exsellent idea. We will ask canada!" said enland, then he turned arond and shoutded at south itly "THEN YOU WILL SEE I AM RITE AND U ARE WRONG!"
"NO, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS WRONG!" said sorth atily and punch England in da stomake. they started fihgting again and china had 2 get a big stick an hit them both wif da stik untill they stop fihgtning.
Eangland an south Itlay went 2 cnada's sekrit lair, which wuz located under a beever's dam in northern Manitoba. butt when they got there somefing was rong! da fruniture was all brokken and all teh walls and floors had french words written on them IN BLOOD. Canda was nowere 2 b found.
"this is very strang." Said engalnd.
"I wonder what hapned 2 this place" said southitly
SUDDENLY THEY HEAR A NOISES COMING FROM BEHAND A LOCKED DOOR THAT WAS LOCKED! South itali ran over 2 da door an kicked it open and then he and engand gasped gaspingly when they saw wat wuz in da room. austria and Hungry wer tied up on a couch in the room. tehy had headpones attacked 2 teir heads and blank, loafless looks on teir feces. England waved his hand in front of hungry's face, butt she did nut respond. "they apeer 2 hav been branwashed!" he said. England leaned over so he could heer wat was coming from their headphones and then he leaped back and screamed "HOW REVOLTING! WHAT SORT OF TERRIBLE EVIL MONSTER WOULD SUBJECT HIS FELLOW LIVING ORGANISMS TO SUCH TORTURE?"
"WHAT? WHAT IS IT?" said South itelly anxietyfully.
"Theyre bein forced 2 lissen 2… NICKELBACK!11!1!" said engalnd
"OH THE INHUMANITY!" cried southitaly
Then englend an south ietly herd an evil laff coming frum behind turned around and gasped gaspingly again. It wuz Canada! He had grown a moostashe which maed him look evil and he was cackling liek an angry chicken.
"CANADIA! DID U DO DIS 2 AUSTRA AND HUNGAR?" said Eggland. canananda continyood 2 laff evily and ignore England. South italy was about to jump on canada and beat him up and demand an expanaltion, but b4 he had a chance the lights went off and everything was dark and he could'nt see anythin! south iatly heard a scream that sonded like England, and then cnada's evil laffter filled da room. wen da lites came bak on, austerea and hungray were gone an so was Eanglad.
Meanwhile, north Italy was in a café, drinking tea and making fun of all the hipster douchebags in the café. "lol, hipsters are so dumb" said north itly. Suddenly south Italy barged in2 teh café and shoutded "NORTH ITALY! I COME BEERING IMPORTANT NEWS!"
"what up bro?" said north Italy. south Italy sat down at North italy's tabel and ordered a coffee. while he waited 4 his coffee, he expalned teh Situation.
"Canada has gone bonkers! He has a muostash now and it's a thin pointy moustash not a cool one like cops in movies have, it's AN EVIL SORT OF MOUSSTASHCE! he kidnape hungary and austaria and made them litsen 2 shitty muzik and now he's kidnaped eNgland too! I THINk hE IS PLANNING SOMETHINF EVIL!"
"ZOMG! WE MUST STOP HIM IN THE NAEM OF JUSTICE!" said noth Italy and he slamed his fist on da taeble which made all the hipster douchebags look at him weirdly. Both Italys scowled at the hipsters and gave them the middle finger. They began to formulate a plan too stop Canada and rescue Egnlad and Asstria and Hunkary. they were stil discusing their plan as they left the café, unaware that teh hipstars were watching them. As soon the Italys were gone, the hipsters oppened a trapdoor on da floor of the café and went in2 a tunnel which took them to cnadas OTHER secret lair, the one that no1 knew abot. it was located in a beaver damn in Quebec.
"O, great and powarfull Master Canada! we have heared the Italian ones plotting aganst thee, butt we did not attack them right then bcuz that would be 2 mainstream!" said the Grand High Hipster, who wuz da leader of da hipsters.
"Curses!" said canadia, as he tworled his moustash evilly. "I did nut think sorth Italy cared enuf aboot da wellfare of his fellow countries 2 cause a problem!" He grabbed a gun and shot the Grand High Hipster in the face bcuz he wuz a villen now and dats wut villenz do when theyre agnry. Cnada pointed 2 one of the other hipsters and said "You have been promotioned! You are now the Grand High Hipster!"
"I thank thee, master Canada! May thou be blessed by the gods of obscurity and never stray from the path of non-mainstream-ness!" said the new Grand High Hipster. All the hipsters all got down on their knees an grovered. "WHAT ARE THY ORDERS, O MIGHTY UNKNOWN ONE?" they said
"northitaly is close to the Germany. he is not high on our list of countries to kidnap, but he will be our next target and I can use him as a hostage too force Italy to surendur!" said cananda, and then he laffed evilly bcuz he wuz evil. "IT SHALL BE DONE!" said the hipsters and then they rised their big dorky glasses into da air (bcuz taht iz da hipster salute)
Meanwhile, elsewear, Germany was writing an angry letter to the New York Times bcuz of a political cartoon making fun of germans. He spent a lot of tiem editing it 2 maek sure teh lettr was not too long or pedantic, but eloquently and susinctly pointed out why da cartoon was problematic.
Dear New York Times,
YOU SUCK DONKEY COCK! FUCK YOU, FUCKING FUCKERS!
"I am such a good riter. They won't nevar maek fun of the germen people again!" said germany satisfactidly. he was so preoccupied wif basking inn his own brilliance he didnt notiss da hipsters smash thru da window and point thier lasers at him until the Grand High Hipster said "GERMANY WE HATH COMETH TO HOSTAGE THEE IN THE NAME OF OUR MASTER CANADA!"
"Canada?" said Germany confuzedly
"Yes, Canada. Thou doth probably nevar heard of him." Said the Grand High Hipster "but anyway thou is goin 2 bee our hostage. Thou art outnumbered so come quitely!"
germany jumped up from his chair and shouted "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" he reached in2 his pants and pulled out teh machine gun he always kept lodged up in his buttocks in case he ever needed a machine gun. Garmeny started shootin up all the hipsters while screaming like a loonatick. "DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE!" he said, and the hipsters tried 2 fihgt back but teir lasers were runnin low on powar. Four a while it almost looked like gERnamy would win... butt little did he realice, one of the hipsters was invizible! the invizible hipster stuck up behind germny an whacked him ovar da head wif a hexagonal baseball bat (bcuz normal-shaped baseball bats r too mainstream)
meanwhell, north itly and south itly where at Canada's not-so-sekret Manitoba leir, lookin 4 clues. "weve been searching for hours an we haven't found anything at all! this is pointless, lets give up already" said North Italy. Suddenly, a hipster ninja appeered out of nowhar and dropped a letter on north Italy's head! "wtf?" said north Italy. he opened the letter and as he read it his face torned red and steam shot out of his ears. "THOSE FUCKING BUSTARDS! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!" he said. South Italy grabbed the letter out of north Italy's hand and read it.
To: North Italy
From: Canada and his Hipster Army
We have Germany and if thou doth not surrender we will beat him up and force him to watch shitty reality TV like Jersey Shore! Have a nice day.
"oh good," said south Italy. "I always hated that guy"
"I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS! THE HIPSTERS MUST PAY!" north Italy scremed. "COME ON SOUTH ITALY, WE'RE GONNA GET SUM MASHEEN GUNS AND GRENADES AN TRACK DOWN CANADA AND BEAT HIM UP!" So they went and got masheen guns and grenades and started lookin all ovar 4 Cnada's other secret lair. Once tey fond it they snuck in throuh an open window that went in2 a room wif a couch that was thirty feet long. There wer lots of ppl sittin on the couch wif thingies stuck in their eers that blasting nickleback and Alanis morissette and avril lavigne and other shitty Canadian music directly in2 their skulls. As the Italys drew closer 2 da couch they saw that da ppl on da couch were a bunch of other countries including… CANADA?
"tats strange," said morth iatly "if Canada is teh evil mastermind why is he on the brainwashing couch?"
"perhaps we haff all been tricked…" said sooth Italy "perhaps Canada was being mind-controlled by the TRUE evil mastermind!"
"SO, U FIGGERD OUT MY EVIL PLAN" said an evil-sounding voice from behind them. The italys turned arond and saw the true evil mastermind. it was none other than… JUSTIN BIEBER!
"Gasp!" said north Italy.
"of coarse! evrytheng maeks sence now!" said south Italy. "the hipster douchebags would nevar follow bIeber bcuz he is 2 mainstreem, so he wood haff to make it look liek some1 else wuz in charge! HOW DEVILISHLY CLEVER!"
"THE HIPSTERS ARE FOOLISH FOOLS! EVEN THEY ARE NOT IMMUNE TO MY POWAR! WIF MY ARMY OF HIPSTERS, I WILL SOON TAKE OVAR DA WURLD THROUGH BRAINWASHING, ONE COUNTRY AT A TIEM! HAHAHAHA!" said Justin Bieber. Suddenly he wer suronded by hipster ninjas! Bieber ran away laffing evily, leeving the italys too fihgt the ninjas.
"DIE MAINSTREAM SHEEP!" scream the ninjas as the charged. North Italy and south Italy started shooting at them wif masheen guns and tossing granedes. "THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS! LETS RESCUE SOME OF THE OTHERS AND COME BACK LATER WITH MOAR FIREPOWAR!" yelled South italy. north itlay and south itlay grabbed the three countries nearest to them and pulled them off the couch, then they ran over and leaped out the window and ran away relly fastly. They knew that the hipster ninjas would not chase aftr them bcuz pursuing ur enemy iz too mainstream.
It took a while, but north Italy eventully figured out how to wake up Eangland an china and Hangory and cure them of the brainwashing: by playing good Canadian musik. he removed the ear thingies that were making them listen 2 nickelback and replaced them wif a thingie attached 2 a record player which was playing music of The Guess Who (the awsumest Canadian band evar!) Once they were thorohghly un-brainwashed, all five countries sat around a table and argued over what too do about Justin Bieber and his army.
"we are the only countrys left unbrainwashed so it iz our dooty to stop bieber" said ungland
"But how will we do it?" said chian "he has grown too powarful for just the five of us to handel!"
"then there iz only one option" said north itlay "we will have to summon…" he paused dramatically "…THE ULTIMATE CANADIAN."
eveyr1 else gasped. "But no one has summoned the Ultimate Canadian in decades! It is far too dangerous, and if the sumoning went wrong it could bring about da apokalips!" said engand.
"north Italy is rite we haff no choice! Bieber MUST be stopped and only teh Ultimate Canadian is powarfull enuf to stop him" said Hungayr. After seven more hours of arguing, every1 finally agreed that the Ultimate Canadian must be summonnd and they began 2 prepair da summoning ritual. Soon North Italy and South Italy and Hungary and England and China were all standing in a circle around a pentagram drawn wif moose blood. they were wearing dresses wif poofy sleeves and holding hockey sticks. wen da clock said midnite, they all raised their hockey sticks into da aire.
"EARTH!" said North Italy
"FIRE!" said South Italy
"WIND!" said Hungary
"WATER" said England
"HEART!" said China
5 beams of lite shooted out of da hocky sticks an formed the brilliant glowing figure of a girl wearing a dress wif teh poofiest sleeve evar. "BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM ANNE SHIRLEY!" she roared. Anne Shirley the Ultimate Canadian floated down to the ground, and a flamethrowr materieliszed inn her hands. She frowned when she saw who had summoned her. "u are nott Canadians. y haff u summoned me?" she asked. But b4 any1 could answer she said "wait… I see now. There is a sensxe of evil permeating teh atmossfeer. My country is threatnend by a threatning threat of threatfulness from an Evil One who seeks to rule evily with Evil. This shall not go unpunished!"
"ULTIMATE CANADIAN! WILL U LEED US IN BATTLE AGANST TEH DEMON BIEBER?" said hugnary
"YOU BET UR ASS I WILL!" the Ultimate Canadian gloweled, and her poofy sleeves grew poofier and poofier until tehy explooded, revealing that she had an entire armory growing out of her sholders "CHOOSE YOUR WEPONS, COMRADES AND CHOOSE WELL! U SHALL NEED TO BE ARMED 4 DA GLORIOS FIGHT AHED!" said the Ultimate Canadian
North Iraly and south Itly and Hugary and Englan and China retuernd to the Quebec lair and this tiem they didn't need 2 sneek in thru a window cuz they had the Ultimate Canadian's superpowerful weapons and it wuz much easier 2 fight the hipster army. "A CURSE UPON ALL UR HEADS!" said Bieber when he saw how effortlessly the countries were slaughtering his hipsters.
"YOUR REIGN OF EVIL HAS LASTED TOO LONG, BIEBER! IT ENDS NOW!" said the Ultimate Canadian. She roundhouse kicked Bieber in the head which caused him to explode. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the tiny molecular particles that had once made up Justin Bieber. Even after they faded into nothingness, the faint echoes of their screams still lingered in the air. "my work heer is done" said the Ultimate Canadian, and she soared up in2 teh sky and flew back to her home planet. After North Italy and South Italy and Hungary and England and China were finished beating up all the hipsters, they used the POWER OF ROCK to free all the other countries from brainwashing. Everyone was OK except for Germany who had been forced to watch Jersey Shore and would never fully recover from the trauma.