Warnings: AU. OOC. Yaoi. Some angst and a drop of dark themes, nothing too bad I don't write depressing stuff…

AN: don't get scared because of how the story begins, I assure you I don't write depressing stuff just make sure you get over the first thousand words or so and who knows it might get even funny if you have the sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

Pairings: Kai _ Tala...


Intense therapy...


Madness is like gravity…all it takes is a little push.

And sometimes all you need to escape it is a little tug backwards.

Kai Hiwatari wasn't one to complain or whine. He was one to take all the hits life offered him with clenched jaw and gritted teeth.

He knew his life was hard from the very beginning and he knew most other people would have sunk in the arms of insanity long ago…but he wasn't like that, he was stronger. He could take it… he could bare his teeth and growl at his misfortunes. Bare his teeth and taunt his bitch of a life to bring it fucking on!

Yes he could take it.

At the age of five his parents died... both of them, at the same time... how? Well he wasn't informed. He was sent to live with his grandfather who was a complete sadist and as it appeared when he got to the man's residence, the same sadist was owning an orphanage at least that's what it was called on the lawful papers, so kai was thrown into a room with four other boys approximately his age…

Hell begun. And no, he didn't know how else to describe it, it was hell.

But he could take it.

He could take the twelve hour 'training' every goddamned day, he could take the brutal beating he received along with everyone else, he could take the jibes and torture offered by none other than the same trice accursed grandfather…

Yes, kai whished for death, but he could take it, it was all that mattered.

You wouldn't understand…

Think on it…

He had no reason to live… he was all alone and at the age of seven he finally started to realize this. he had no reason to live, the hell he didn't even know for what they endured torture to strengthen their bodies… he had no clue.

It was only later when he realized his grandfather was some sort of scientist and as it appeared to kai the man was experimenting on the boys living in the asylum.

At the age of ten he realized that even though he had no reason to live he didn't want to die from some sort of twisted experiment, he didn't know from where he got his pride but he refused to be a pawn. He simply refused.

But there was nothing he could do.

But he could take it.

The old man made a mistake, he thought kai was his most prized specimen… the man treated kai differently, let him out and sometimes even as much as spoiled him with dinner, kai didn't appreciate it but he did scheme in his mind. The fact that he was allowed time to time leave the large castle or more like prison building, that he could use to his advantage. And so he did.

He escaped…to where? Didn't matter… the streets were cold since it was winter but he couldn't give a damn, he was outside and he was free.

It took three days for them to find him and bring him back, he was thrown into an empty cell and locked in, the cell was murky and wet, it was a dungeon.

He could still take it.

He could still take it after two years he had spent in that cell where his body was used for experimental drugs… he wasn't complaining… but he sure was desperate... to die.

He didn't believe in god… he didn't even know to whom he was praying but the important thing was that whoever was up there or down there listened and granted his wish.

His grandfather died of a heart attack.

He was thirteen when he was put in a real orphanage and told that when he would be eighteen he would inherit everything his grandfather owned which was…a lot.

So basically he was a rich orphan. It was irony. He decided to not refuse the money… he decided to take it when the time comes and maybe try to make someone's life better with it as if to… repay for his grandfathers sins. Maybe he would open an orphanage where the children would really be treated well.

The place where he was now wasn't all that bad, and for the first time in his life he made friends. At the age of thirteen he finally learned how to communicate with other people, he learned that people sometimes smiled and even laughed, it was okay that he himself didn't know how to do it.

He learned that the world wasn't all that bad when you weren't trapped in a dark place and beaten on regular basis.

Now when he was twenty and obnoxiously rich he spent his days calmly, he did own few well maintained orphanages and he was proud of it, he often visited the kids, bringing them sweets and whatnot, the little faces smiling at him always managed to make him form one of his own little smiles, yes, he had learned how even if the smile didn't reach his eyes. The staff loved him too simply because he paid them well and he intended for it to stay like that, he wanted the best for those kids. He didn't mind to give them everything he could simply because kids were…pure.

He didn't fund hospitals or care homes for elderly people or even mental houses because people in there were sinners, murderers, rapists and so on and so on… children were pure… children were safe.

Basically he had it all now. He had money to live as he wished, he had few people he might call friends, he had a reason to live now.

And he couldn't take it.

The dark feeling, the lurking dungeon and the murky place never left, it was imprinted in his brain and he wanted to die.

He knew… he fucking realized something was terribly wrong with him to feel like this when it was all over…but that's the way it was…

He was going insane… or maybe he was born insane… raised insanely in an insane world for insane reasons.

He was never truly alone after all, was he? The insanity was always by his side. The realization made him laugh for the first time in his life so it would seem, a dry and humorless laugh.


Tyson his friend for now nearly five years were somewhat the closest person to him, he met the obnoxious guy in the orphanage therefore Tyson more or less knew his life story, the short and awfully loud guy really had the personality opposite to Kai's but still Kai appreciated the loud company time to time even though he would never admit it.

Max and Rei was buddies as well, well they were more like Tyson's buddies but still they partied together if the reason was good enough.

It was a hot summer's day and Kai was sitting in a coffee in the quiet part of the city, Tyson was sitting across from him with max and Rei to the sides. Actually Kai suspected that Tyson either is together with Rei or the dumb shit doesn't realize the Chinese has a crush and doesn't realize that he himself has a crush on the Chinese, he wouldn't be surprised, Tyson was simply dumb.

He didn't join in their conversation about the world war two and who started it, he didn't care. He was sipping his black bitter coffee with just as bitter face, pretty much as usual. He didn't know why Tyson dragged him here but he wasn't grateful in the least he much rather go to one of his orphanages and see how the snotty kids are doing.

"Kai, you with us?" the Chinese asked blinking the cat-like eyes at him owlishly, Kai looked around as if he had just woken up.

"Rei asked would you like to go somewhere this evening, its Friday and we gonna check out the new club…" Tyson explained.

He just shook his head 'no' when they started to huff and puff that he's a party spoiler he stood up throwing few bills on the table.

"See you some other time…" he said turning his back and walking for the car park where his car was waiting for him.

He was starting the engine when there was a tap on his window.

None other than the goof Tyson, he rolled down the window scowling only slightly.

"Yea listen, Kai… I know you probably gonna maim me for this but… I know this guy… he's really good you know and I just thought… you know... you seem really down lately… I mean... more than usually… I can tell, don't deny it…"

"What the hell are you talking about? What guy and good at what?" he interrupted his stupid friends blabbing coldly not denying that he was down more than usual, because he was… he was insane.

Nonetheless he didn't like the way his so called friend was fidgeting and not meeting his eyes.


He started to roll up the window by pressing a button but his friend caught the glass with a tanned hand not letting it roll up.

"Kai... just go to him, why can't you admit that you need some kind of… help… just go and see what you think, you don't have to…"

"Shut up Tyson…" he didn't shout he said it calmly but his friend did shut up and even if he was looking straight ahead and not at Tyson he could see the midget close the deep blue eyes and sigh.

"He's great at what he's doing Kai… a bit extraordinary and maybe…umm maybe you'll get the feeling that he's the one needing a therapy but really kai… please go…" with that said his friend slipped a card through the half closed window, it landed on his lap.

Tyson left, he looked down at the card, there was an address on it and the name 'Tala Ivanov'… so his friends thought he's a nutcase in need of a mental help…

Well, he wasn't about to go and see the guy… would not… because he was… he was Kai Hiwatari damn it.


In the end he found himself standing by a large grey building. Yeah, it was the same address mentioned on the damn slip of paper. He wasn't here for mental help... he was here because… well, because he needed fresh air and he was just driving around and…

Well… might as well go inside and see how it looks on the inside…

The receptionist was oddly a guy with a name tag saying 'Bryan' if anything the guy looked more like a body builder than a therapist's assistant but…whatever.

"Name?" Bryan asked with the lilac eyes sliding up and down his body, it left him oddly disturbed, he felt like scratching himself or something.

"I don't have an appointment…" oh god, he was ready to slap himself when he all but mumbled the words out, maybe it had to do something with the fact that the guy on the other side of the table was head taller than him and probably could literally throw him out of the window…easily.


Maybe it was the only word the guy knew, he sure didn't look very smart.

"Kai Hiwatari…" he said this time with more strength and then watched the body builder pick up a phone and press a button… why the hell was he here again…?

"Hey Tala… here's Kai Hiwatari wanting to see you… yeah… how the fuck can I know if he needs therapy…he looks normal…no….no…fuck off, I don't know…. Yeah…okay!"

It was like… c'mon he was standing right there! You know… hearing it? But whatever, he didn't care it seemed that the so called therapist was a nut case, he just knew it… only a nutcase would hire some rowdy body builder as an assistant and then let him cuss while doing his duty…

"You can go in the door that is half open that's the real one, he's on his break but he said he didn't mind to see you…"

Kai hearing that nodded, well he wanted to but instead his head just jerked lamely then the lilac eyes narrowed at him as if trying to figure was it some lunatics sign…sheesh… this was fun.

He knocked on the heavy oak door somewhat hesitantly, he still didn't know why he was here.

"Come in and shut the damn door the draft is ghastly scattering the papers everywhere."

He did as told and then paused and not because he was unsure what to say and how to explain why he was here…. He was floored by the sight.

he was greeted by a shock of red hair… he didn't even notice the offices decorations or the couches or whatever all he noticed was the…well what had to be the therapist… the guy… and seriously the guy because that creature couldn't be older than himself, a really delicate creature comparing to him with bright blue eyes and they were now staring at him…really staring as if the creature would see a human being for the first time or maybe it was an illusion because of the…crystal blue-soul-piercing eyes….

And then there was the fact that this Tala fucking Ivanov was…well smoking there sitting with the shoes on the table and sipping whiskey and fuck, so maybe it was like around seven in the evening but still… and…and was that seriously rock-music coming from the therapists pc?

Yeah…floored. Kai didn't move he was just standing there trying to gather his scattered brain. He couldn't deny the fact that Tala Ivanov looked hot… very hot and for reasons unknown Kai had a liking for guys rather than girls but seriously…all he could think of was that he was more suited to sit in that chair and Tala was more suited to knock on his door as a nutcase.

"You're Tyson's friend right… that shrimp called me earlier and told me you might come…"

Tala just called Tyson a shrimp…

"He also told me some stuff about you even though I told him not to, I swear that guy has a verbal diarrhea… but however it is… I'm Tala Ivanov, you can call me Tala since I'll be racking in your brain…"

Kai didn't answer he was just brain dead… he didn't even know anymore was it because of Tala's looks or because of the behavior… he forced his legs to move when Tala stood up and reached out a thin hand for him to shake, he took it hesitantly in case the lunatic was about to do something…lunatic. Thankfully Tala just shook his hand squeezing it as if Kai would have a label on his forehead saying 'masochist'…

"The shrimp said you're not very social but he failed to mention you're a mute…"

Ha, ha. Very funny. Kai didn't laugh he was just overcoming his shock. Clearing his throat he opened his mouth to say something when Tala mentioned for him to sit down and then the redhead sat down as well pushing aside the whiskey and discarding the cigarette bud in an ashtray grabbing a pen as if to write down anything that might come out of his mouth.

"I'm not sure…I want to be here…" oh that was so smooth from him…since when was he a moron?

Tala beamed at him…that's right…the nutcase beamed at him.

"Mhm that's okay Kai…most people don't want to…and most people need to… do you think you need to be here?"

The redhead had a nice voice, he'll give him that… he kind of realized that the redhead most probably will analyze every word he'll say but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"I don't know…I might be…slightly insane but that doesn't mean I want to talk about it." He just admitted being insane, didn't he? Smooth! He could see the bright blue eyes literally sparkle up the redhead sat straighter in the chair and leaned forward slightly as if to get closer the red locks falling silkily around the pale face.

Kai seriously thought that the person right across him was a psycho…

"Well you don't have to talk about your insanity you know even though I am interested what makes you think you're insane…. You know the funny thing is that no insane person would ever admit or be able to come to a sanely made conclusion of being insane…"

Kai blinked… then blinked again. "There… you cured me… I'm not insane…"

The redhead smiled, no wait no… grinned showing off a perfect set of white teeth. "Oh don't be all sarcastic…all I'm saying is that it won't hurt you to come and talk to me every week or so… besides, your friend Shrimp promised to rip off my balls if I don't treat you nicely and since I'm fond of my jewels I'm gonna take you as my patient…"

He had a mad urge to laugh, seriously his lips were twitching he could feel it but he held it inside. Surely the lunatic would think he's nuts if he burst out laughing like a maniac. It wasn't even about what Tala said it was the fact that this person… this… laid back and….delicate and...and all unofficial redhead was supposed to cure him? It was laughable.

"Whatever…it's not like I'm awfully busy or anything might as well waste my time here instead of my place…" which was true… his voice was bored as he said it but Tala was grinning and the blue eyes were sparkling. Kai felt like under x-ray.

"So… you want to tell me something about yourself?"

"Don't think so…"

Tala was just staring at him as if he wouldn't have said the last phrase… it made him itchy again and his hand jerked wanting to scratch his shoulder.

"What do you want to hear about?" he gave in and he realized it and it was confirmed by the huge grin the redhead gave him.

"Anything really… your hobby…your likings...your dislikes… your motto…whatever you like to tell me I'm listening…intently…"

Oh he could tell Tala was listening intently alright…those blue eyes seemed to be bulging out in interest and he seemed to get nervous for real now the whole arm was itching.

"My hobby? Well I suppose…visiting the orphanage counts… my motto? I really…don't have one…I really…don't like talking…" now he was not only nervous but feeling lame as well.

"Mhm… I see… why do you visit the orphanage?"

"Because I own it… I make sure the children are taken care of…"

"So... you like children?"

"I don't mind them…"

There Tala sat back in his chair more comfortably at the same time letting him relax somewhat which was hard to do before when the redhead seemed about to jump over the table.

"Hm Kai, I'm not gonna deny that Tyson-bless his tiny brain-informed me of some aspects of your life and your past… well at least the parts he knew…or thought he knew…however if you don't mind me asking, do you look back?"

What kind of question was that…. Did he look back?

"You mean... my so called childhood and whatnot? Why the hell should I look back…? I don't have to… it comes and hunts me."

For the first time Tala took the bright eyes off of him to scribble something on the paper file in front, he couldn't see what of course…


"How, what?"

"How it comes to hunt you?"

"Nightmares… I see them every night since…well since I started living on my own."

Tala was nodding looking at him normally for a change with no real emotion on the…pretty face.

"What is happening in your nightmares…are they like memories?"

"No… not memories…they're mixing everything up… present time…past…new people I meet... the hell tonight I might have one with you in it…"

Tala wasn't laughing. Which was good. It wasn't a joke after all.

"What is happening in your nightmares Kai?"

He sighed giving into the conversation, maybe it was a good idea to tell someone and Tala was surely used to hearing crap like that so it wouldn't hurt the redhead…

"People get tortured… I don't get why it's never me but always someone else…I'm watching… just watching you know… sometimes I'm the one doing the torturing, those are the worst…sometimes the torturer has a face, mostly not but whenever he has a face it's the face of my grandfather…"

Surprisingly it was easy to spill it out and surprisingly Tala was not looking at him anymore, the redhead was looking to the side as if in deep thought, he wondered should he blab on, or should he wait for some kind of smart-ass comment.

"When you're watching... what do you feel?"

Kai smirked. "Knew you gonna ask that… nothing. I feel nothing, I don't want to help because I know I can't…it changes when they start to scream and the blood flows… then I want to wake up only I don't… and they never die… I want them to die, but they don't… it's fucked up."

"Why do you want them to die, to ease their suffering so to speak?"

"No… to ease mine… I hate screaming… I just want them to shut the fuck up and be quiet… at least I was quiet…"

"Say Kai… are the persons in your nightmares tortured the same way you were…?"

"What exactly you want to know?"

"How you've been tortured… you can't expect me to take a guess…"

"I thought Tyson told you…"

"What he told me doesn't really count…"

"Well…might as well tell you everything, doesn't look like you're about to back down or break down…"

"Indeed…I only look fragile..."

So he did… he told the nutcase everything…starting from the day he was told his parents died and ending with the scene where Tyson gave him the paper with Tala's coordinates. And this time he didn't spare the details, not the bloody ones and not the gruesome ones and not even those that made Tyson go green in the face and gag.

Tala didn't gag though, Tala was watching him, nodding sometimes, scribbling down on the paper sometimes but mostly the redhead was simply sitting there and looking at him with those….extraordinary eyes.

When he was finished he was sure at least an hour had passed but he didn't see Tala peaking nervously at the time so he thought it's okay.

"What happened to the other kids after the….man died?"

"Like me they were sent for orphanages…."

"And how many were there?"

"You think I know? The building was fucking huge… some died…some didn't…who knows how many…"

He just knew it…Tala was disturbed even though there were no signs on the pale face…

Oddly enough, or not so oddly...he felt better after he had told his story to Tala… he gave the therapist a smirk when Tala finally looked at the wrist watch.

"So what do you say doc… am I or am I not insane?"

Reddish eyebrows rose slightly at the 'doc'. "I'd say that I would send you straight for the mental house if you wouldn't be having nightmares... if you know what I mean…"

He guessed he knew… it did kind of make sense.

"Well Kai, how about we make an appointment for Monday, say six in the evening? I'd love to chat some more but it's almost half past eight and I have an early appointment tomorrow with a guy that is dead sure that eating floor paint is sexy…"

Kai's face went dumb and then he smirked just as dumbly. "Monday is after two days…"

Tala nodded smiling a smile that made Kai want to run…far away.

"You said once a weak will be sufficient… Monday is in two days…"

"Yes!" the redhead affirmed standing up suddenly and grabbing the white jacket from the chair throwing it on the delicate shoulders.

"And you said that you might as well waste your time here than at your place…so, no whining and listen to your doc…"

Saying nothing he stood up and went for the door, he definitely wouldn't go like 'alright doc' or anything of the sort…never! He could only slap himself mentally for starting the 'doc'.

They were both at the door when Kai stopped grumbling Tala opened the door and waited till he got out and then got out himself while the redhead was locking the office Kai looked the guy all over… really…shorter than him but only slightly and so damn... thin, but not in an unhealthy way... more like in a delicate way... in a way that makes you want to hug and...and...touch.

"How do you know Tyson?" he asked as they passed the waiting area, here Tala stopped by the counter and leaned over it nearly bumping the straight nose on Bryans, Kai tried not to watch the round little backside clad in white tight pants... he really tried.

Tala's hand motioned for him to wait, so he waited while Tala was apparently looking for something in Bryan's drawer while the body builder was grumbling looking ready to murder his boss.

Kai sweat-dropped when Tala's hand extracted a what looked like a dirty magazine and waved it in front of Bryans face the blue eyes going wild and dangerous.

"What have I told you about reading this stuff here? I have mentally unstable psychopaths coming here, some ready to rape anything with a pulse and you're flashing pictures of pussies in their faces?"

Kai was watching Bryan huff, however he looking at the magazine snickered…those were no pussies. And more...he suddenly realized why the body builder was Tala's assistant... Bryan was something like a body guard he was sure.

"I'm not flashing anything here Tal, besides they're cocks…"


"Cocks…dicks… you know mans reprod—"

"Shut up!" the redhead shrieked, that's right shrieked scrunching the magazine up in a fist and tossing it on the table looking at the pages only then, Kai was covering his face with his palm as best as he could in case Tala would look at him, he was laughing his ass off on the inside and it was getting on the outside, his shoulders shaking while Bryan looked like he was thinking what to have for dinner while his boss was scrunching up the delicate nose looking at Bryan as if plotting how to kill him and get away with it.

"I know what a dick is you moron… I don't want you to read or…whatever you do with them here... you understand? Not here! Go home and fucking wank off, but not here!"

"Sure sure, geez Tal your knickers in a twist? It's not like I'm offering your patients to read them while they're waiting for your brainwash…"

For that Bryan received a smack on the head... Tala spun around on a heel while Bryan was massaging the hurt, Kai could tell that those two were friends… Bryan looked unfazed and Tala looked just lightly annoyed coming to where he was waiting and proceeding out of the building.

"Right… you were asking? Oh Tyson… umm he was my patient…" the redhead said as if the previous events had never taken place.

Kai gapped for a moment extracting his car keys from his pocket and stopping, Tala stopped too standing a step away from him and looking at him, the blue eyes looked sparkling once more.

"Tyson… your patient…what for?"

A small chuckle from the psycho doc. "Now what kind of therapist would I be giving my patients secrets out like that…"

Kai nodded agreeing it wasn't like he was entirely interested anyway.

"What's your specialty anyway… like... you know, what kind of patients."

Tala didn't even blink just kept looking him right in the eyes, the guy seriously had an aura of insanity.

"I favor the ones only slightly crazy but like I said I got one who's eating floor paint... naked... umm, anyway I should really go, traffic's a bitch at this time... I'll see you Monday Kai?"

"Yeah..." he murmured and then watched Tala walk for a silver colored car... shaking himself he went for his own car... what an odd guy.


AN: Okay, tell me what you think and should I even continue this...if there really are people reading this then I could update very soon...if not, thanks for reading.