You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
Beneath these sheets of paper hides my truth
Been a while. How are you?
No need to ask anyway. This one won't reach you at all; it will probably burn right after I wrote it. You might be wondering what I'm doing now. Well, right now Aphrodite's in my bed. Crazy huh? Yeah, definitely. I told her a lot of times we can't get even. Never. And she's married. Ha-ha. But she keeps coming like arrows, and I kind of like how she shoots. I'm sitting on the railings of the balcony, watching her sleeping. She's beautiful, to admit. But every time she comes to me, and I feel intoxicated by her lips, there had always been one vision I see. I look in her eyes, and see its golden glory, but I always wished they were grey. Beautiful, crystalline, silvery grey. I do not know if it's just me or the bite of Medoc in my goblet which drives me to hallucination and eats me up naked. I touch her, and close my eyes, feeling the same pleasurable sensation crawl under my skin. I would feel alive in her arms, but I can't. For whenever I open my eyes, I see golden hair on my fist, very far from an almond brown color, and the strength inside me drips away like rain.
'Athena'… your name feels good in my lips. But mine in yours taste bitter. I missed the time when you look into my eyes and despite the others hating me like disease; you secretly slip into my arms while I sleep. I would wake up, and though tired, the very sight of your grey orbs refreshes me. I've been living here in heaven, but you made me feel its comfort. I am a god, but you alone made me realize I'm one. The touch of your hair and the scent of your skin made me who I was. You were my drug, my everything. I saw you when you were a young child: playful and wily. You were very curious about everything, in fact you asked how babies come to earth, and I answered like any grown up would. I remembered being locked somewhere because you kind of told Zeus what I said. And when I came back, you've grown rapidly. You were now a young woman with fire and passion for learning. I looked into your eyes and you saw mine, I felt… damn.
The first time I burned under your touch was when you asked what I would like to have as a wife, and you kind of misunderstood when I told you she'd be beautiful like Aphrodite. You were silent and pouty. And ever since then you wouldn't notice me. But you got it wrong, lady. I've been in love with you since you were born. I've waited ten thousand years before you came into this dimension. They said your lips will be untouched forever. But you made me kick their ass when we fell into the lake after you slipped and I tried to save you but I can't. After that you looked deep into me with the same melting smile, which seemed to pull the gravity between us. I parted your lips with mine, and you have to know that was the gentlest thing that happened to me.
I'm very proud of you, dearest. When you conquer whatever kingdom that tried to hurt your people, I cannot help but stare and witness your glory. You've been very tough and strong, one who deserves to be called who you are. Yet deep inside, I felt scarred. The wounds that pierce me heal, but a second of how you ignore me stays like hell. I hated you for long because you were the first who made me shed – what do you call that – tears. Tears, I know that only shed from eyes of the weak, the beaten, and the loser. I loathed myself even for letting you consume my thoughts. I had only wished we never have met, never kissed, never made love, and so this aching will have never been set upon me. When I scan your every move around the council halls: how your lips curl into a smile, how you run your dainty fingers through your hair, how you walk around, the bend of your knees, everything, I feel extremely paralyzed. It all brings back memories, memories you never have now. Looking at you is the best pleasure I ever feel.
Lonely nights bring you in my thoughts, especially when you gave yourself up to me the night before you were assigned to leave for eons. You were – and are – very – very beautiful. It was the night I knew I am the most blessed divine. One very beautiful night that had never happened again. For when you left by daylight after a difficult farewell, not one of us knew the danger that was to befall. Our father knew our deep dark secret and is willing to sacrifice your happiness for his sake. You came back, a lifeless one, laid upon a stone chamber. I knew they had all conspired to scheme this plot against us.
They told you this stupid story of how you were born from Zeus' head. It was very dumb. But you came to believe everything, and you embraced how you were supposed to be. You forgot about me, about us, to whatever poison they made you drink. And now there is no other happiness in your heart rather than my suffering. We were erased from history, from the songs and poems of the scholars. Everything about us was treated like a contamination. It was burned. The only place that we can meet… is in my head.
I came to realize, what the hell I am doing, falling in love you. I am a god. I can have as many women as I can, I can have as many children with them as I can, I can fuck anyone, anywhere. Who cares about concern? About love? It's all about sex. All about pleasure. It's all about killing and slaughtering whoever gets into my way. Look at me, Athena. This is what became of me and you won't be happy. And still won't be happy even if I changed back to a pleasing man. I see you as a respected woman, you see me as an idiot.
They broke you and me. And the story of how you hate me is what will remain forever. The tales of how you defeated and mocked me will live on. They have laughed at me because of knowing I surrender to no one but you, my downfall. But never will the stories when we used to be lovers exist. What I only wanted for you to know… is that before everything else, I have –and is still – been in love with you. I am still hoping you'd look through me and touch my cheek like you did when we made love under the stars. I am still convincing myself despite how I screwed up; you'd wake up someday and smile at me. I am still praying (the dumbest thing I ever did) … you'd love me. Yes, you have to know I've fallen in love a thousand times…
…a thousand times with only you.
You are my sweetest downfall…
I loved you first.
The history books forgot about us
And the Bible didn't mention us…
Not even once…
A/N: Credits to 'Samson' by Regina Spektor.
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