Epilogue Part V.
"I want you"
She gasps out, hastily, before reattaching her lips onto Brittany's jaw. Kissing along the beautifully defined line, she hears her low, reserved moans.
"Baby…you have me"
Brittany's grip on her neck tightens, as she hovers over her pulse point.
"I want to…" She whispers, before licking at the already wet spot. "…fuck you-"
"Please baby" Brittany whines, dragging her fingernails on her sweat-covered neck, until she finds more skin under the hem of her shirt. "Just take me!"
Her eyes roll back into her head at the lustful and urgent words of Brittany, and she bites into her neck, gently but still sure to make a mark. Brittany's little grunt makes arousal pool between her legs, richly so and the feeling of her damn panties irritate her, making the need to get naked more urgent.
Brittany must feel the same way, having the similar need to get rid of her few clothes, since she's already fussing under her while still enjoying the pleasure her manipulations cause her.
"Brittany, I can't" She breathes into her bruised skin while stopping her hands that are clutching at the hem of her shirt right now. She trails a path upwards with her nose, nuzzling her neck and behind her ear, then her cheek, before resting her forehead against hers. "I can't have you the way I want to…"
Snapping her eyes open, Brittany stares at her confusedly.
"You can have me every way, Santana" She untangles their hands behind Santana's back and brings them to the tiny space between their bodies.
Santana slowly, almost like in pain, shakes her head against hers before leaning in a bit to whisper into her ear. Like she is afraid to talk about it face to face, like she is about to share something that might cause a reaction she can't bear to witness.
"No, I can't" She says, like a statement, accepting the complete truthiness of it. "I just can't"
It's harsh and cold, the simple words feeling like a punch to her heart.
"No, no baby" Brittany argues before laying an encouraging peck on her shoulder. Leaning back, she pecks her neck a few times, before a deep sigh leaves her mouth. "We can do anything Santana…"
She sounds like she's saying this for the thousandth time and maybe she does, but it doesn't make it any less true. She knows it's true. Her kind words don't have the desired effect though, on the contrary, Santana's expression screams of defeat when their eyes meet again.
Her hands leave hers, to be brought up to her cheeks and she's stroking her skin like she's a porcelain doll, so delicately that it almost hurts. It just hurts inside how she looks at her with that broken expression, like there is a black hole inside her, a dark chamber in her heart she is not able to light up.
"I've always wanted to get you pregnant"
The air seems to freeze and the words linger, echoing in her ears loudly and harshly, in sync with the sound of her heart pumping blood steadily. It takes seconds to remember she has to breathe.
She shouldn't be so shocked, she shouldn't be so unprepared, not finding the right words. Any word at all.
She's always known this, somewhere deep within. She's felt it, that kind of sorrow this ache she can't ever heal caused Santana to feel. But now it's an open admission, uttered with such simplicity and sincerity, it can't not open her heart up and make it bleed.
"Santana" She sucks in a breath, and feels this storm growing inside her body and threatening to break out. But as much as it feels a handful of right words might burst out any moment, she feels stuck.
It happened only a few times in her life when she felt that way.
She doesn't feel the usual strength and confidence, and maybe the reason is that she feels the same kind of inability as Santana.
There were times when she felt she didn't deserve her, because she was not smart enough or not beautiful enough. But she knew she could give her everything, all the love in this world and she was determined to do so.
This feels different, so much worse.
For once in her life, she can't give Santana something she wants, in spite of how great an effort she would make. There is no chance at all, there truly is something they can't do together. She was wrong, they can't do everything.
"I've always wanted that so bad" Santana whispers, pulling on her face a little to make her look at her. She's unconsciously ducked her head while struggling to have a grasp on the situation, but now they are eye-to-eye again. "I wanted it today too. I imagined it…"
"When?" She asks, surprised that this one word managed to come out of her just like she meant it.
Santana smoothes a strand of hair away of her forehead. There is still something unnerving about her expression, like she's searching for something inside her. But she is calm now, unreasonably calm and almost dreamy, like she's entered a semi-conscious state.
"When I went down on you and I-"
The realization tackles her.
How come she hasn't thought about how that happened before, she has no idea. Maybe she was too wrapped up in her own pleasure to actually think about what might have made Santana go over the edge by herself.
It's certainly rare that they can come without any physical sensation by the other. But sex is all in the head, so it does exist and they've experienced it a few times.
But this was something else now that she remembers.
"You came by imagining that you're getting me pregnant?"
Santana clarifies with a nod.
"I wish I could give you that" She breathes out, so delicately for a second she fears it doesn't reach Santana.
It's the hardest of confessions.
"No, I wish I could give you that" Santana whispers, holding her face still in her hands.
Time stands still as they stare into each other's eyes, reaching depth like never before and discovering that's buried in the darkest of places.
"Isn't that the same thing?"
The same damn thing she thinks, while shutting her eyes to hold back the inevitable tears.
"It is Britt…it is" Santana sighs.
Then she can feel her lips under her eyes, catching the tears that just spilled out. It feels like she's there to catch her and she has no idea suddenly when this conversation turned completely over.
When did Santana become the one to catch her and hold her, to protect her?
When did she become the strong one?
Or maybe, just maybe…they've been the same all along.
Is it possible that two people are the same, like they form such a unity that no borders exist between them anymore, that one has no idea where one ends and the other begins?
This is how having a soul mate feels like?
It hurts so good and bad at the same time.
"Santana I need you" She whispers, suddenly unable to handle this overwhelming feeling. "I need to feel you now…I don't want to feel this…please…I don't want to feel there is something missing"
She feels suffocated in her clothes, irritated and almost panicked that she can't feel attached to Santana with every inch of her skin.
Every cell of her body.
Santana sees it, and maybe she's seen it for a long time now, having the same needs. She acts quickly, but her moves are gentle as she lets go of her face and brings her hands to the hem of her shirt. She pulls it over her head. She doesn't take her eyes away of her face though, not stealing a second to marvel at her naked chest.
It feels like all she needs to see is in her eyes.
Her own hands are less steady when doing the same, shaking a bit as she lifts up her shirt. Santana ducks her head to make it easier and soon they are as close as two people could ever be.
Santana stands up, holding her hands and then pulling her up too. They stand face-to-face and though she is the taller, she feels she's looking up to her.
She is looking for the comfort, the love only she can offer.
Santana pulls down her panties and then her own too, quickly forgetting they've even put them on after waking up. She guides her down to lie on the couch, her back warmed by the soft blanket, peacefully and comfortably.
But she is aching and freezing, so cold without her.
She is so slow, her moves so deliberate, like they are together for the first time.
It does feel like a first time, or maybe a last. The last, because nothing exists inside them they are not sharing with the other anymore.
Santana settles on top of her, their legs tangled, their arms instantly wrapping around the other's body to pull them closer.
They are so close she should lose her breath, but she feels like she's just caught it, for the first time in a while.
Quietly, she is weeping, not able to stop her tears flowing. Her vision is blurry, but she doesn't feel disturbed anymore.
Santana is here, they are safe.
"I've always wanted to have that with you Britt…do you know why?" She asks suddenly, laying her warm palm flat against her chest, while the other is cupping the side of her face.
If she is not forcing her to look at her, then her words do. She is craving to hear it, to consume more of this monster that's fighting inside her, and both of them now.
She shakes her head, mostly because she feels no ability to speak now. Truthfully, she does know, she is almost sure.
"I've always thought you're sacrificing something for me, to be with another woman." She explains, a hint of sadness creeping into her voice. "I tried to convince myself that you want me, that you choose me as a woman, but still…I felt I am not able to give everything to you that you deserve."
It was never a choice.
Santana should know it. She's made choices, whether to be with her or not and later on about lots of thing, and sometimes she picked the wrong way. But she is sure about one thing, Santana has always been the choice of her heart.
"But it's been always you Santana…whether you are a man or a woman. I would have found you even if you were born to be a man…" Her voice cracks, but she is determined to make her believe she is right. "I just know it, I know it baby."
"I know that. Just hear me out, Britt, please" She pleads, stroking her face to prevent her from breaking down again.
Brittany offers a tiny nod, apprehensively.
"Britt, I always told you I trusted you, but…it was not true. It was not true for a long time…it was so hard sometimes to believe you. Sometimes I just couldn't believe that you loved me, like this. I just couldn't…but you proved it, again and again. When I first started believing it, I was so afraid. I've never been so afraid in my life…"
She is whispering, but her words are clear and loud. They are so huge, like stones rolling towards her with tackling force.
"I wanted to give you everything and more…I still do, but I know now that I was wrong. I wanted to have you, to get you pregnant for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove that I could give you everything that you deserve. I wanted it for me…"
"Now I just want it for you. I want it for us"
Her words hang in the air, and if her heart didn't move so loyally, she would feel she's drifted away from this world. Because this, this feels unreal. It feels unreal that she is getting everything she's ever wanted right at this moment.
All she's ever wanted, truly wanted is Santana's heart and now it's been cut out and lay onto her palm, warm and bleeding, for her to protect it.
She's never felt so alive.
"Us?" She whispers, unable to fully comprehend this simple word in this state.
She is tasting it for the first time truly. She's always thought about them, her and Santana as 'us'. But now she feels it, everything, she feels the same as Santana.
"You and me Britt, there is no just me and you anymore. I'm not me without you. I always knew it's supposed to be us, but…now there is only us. Only us…"
She is breathing the words, slowly and delicately into her mouth, so close that she's grazing her lips with every syllable she's uttering.
She repeats, trying how it feels to say it out loud, afraid still that every second can ruin it. Now that she has that, she is afraid to let go.
"Is that what you feel here?"
She asks, laying her own hand above Santana's heart.
"Yeah…the only thing I feel that…is that I love you, Brittany and you love me too. I can feel it. Can you?"
No more words are said tonight, they hold each other for silent seconds, and then seconds turn into minutes. Still, nothing changes. Not the way they look into each other's eyes, or what they feel under their palms and neither what they feel inside.
And somewhere, deep within, they can already feel it will last until their hearts stop beating.
Thank you for all the love I got for writing this story. I was always supported and encouraged, though not once I chose complicated issues to write about. I always tried to write with respect and care, and I hope I didn't fail.
I'm so sad to finish this story but I'm looking forward to some things in the future.
Most importantly, writing my other fic - Loving you is like catching a falling star. And soon, you can expect a one-shot sequel to this story as well. If you like my writing, I promise to stay true to my style and give a lot of good stuff.
For those interested, follow me on emmanuelle-s. tumblr. com! I'll always post my new stuff there!
Hope you enjoyed this last bit of the story! Thanks for everything!