A/N Okay, first ever fanfiction, hope it's okay and that you all enjoy reading it. Please read and review, cos I'd really like to know what you think of it. This first chapter is from Tony's POV but subsequent chapters aren't going to be. I'm hoping to go round all the different main characters to capture their opinions and points of views on the different scenarios. So yeah, read, hopefully enjoy and review if you can. Thanks :)

Chapter 1- Tony

It's been almost 6 years since I first saw her. She's always been beautiful. If anything since I met her she's only gotten prettier. Her long brown hair with those perfect natural curls, those seductive dark eyes, a perfect body, anybody would be lucky to have her.

But I wanted her and she didn't want me. I wasn't used to this feeling, somebody not wanting me. It wasn't the kind of world that I lived in. I've always got exactly what I wanted. But her... Well, she was a whole other story.

I'll say all this now, but I have to admit it took me a while to warm up to her. When we'd first met I was in a bad place. I'd just seen Kate die. I never really knew how I felt about her I mean, it was confusing, she was like my sister, but I'd always felt something more for her, I just never knew what. And I never will.

But Kate, she doesn't matter anymore. All I want now, all I've wanted for the past six years, whether I'd known it or not, was Ziva. It felt as though this was everything my life had been leading up to.

It's like when people talk about the one, you know, like that one person who's perfect for you, your soul mate. Like Shannon and Gibbs, or in a way like Abby and McGee, they just haven't realised it yet. Mine, I think it's Ziva. I know it's Ziva. And I pray that someday Ziva will be mine. But just because she's my soul mate doesn't mean that I'm hers.

So now I guess I just have to wait, to plan, to figure out what to do next. Pretty much the same as I've been doing since I realised that I loved her. In the hope she'll someday be mine.

Yeah, right, because that's really going to happen. I may aswell give up. Before I get so deep that I can't get back out.

Like I'm not already that far gone. I've been digging my own grave for the past six years.

My dreams haunted me with images and scenes I knew would never belong to me. Tonight's dream would only suffice to drive me further into the dark black hole my emotions had become. It was, in a sense, a more updated version of one of our first undercover missions together. Though I very much doubt that these images affected her anywhere near as much as they did me.

I opened the door to the hotel room, followed closely by her. The second the door was shut her hands were on me, running all over my body. She was mine, finally. I kissed her long and slow. It was the kind of kiss that was building to something so much more.


"Please not now," I thought. Not now. I was struggling to stay in the dream. I had to hold onto it. Ziva was there, in my arms.


"Urghh," I moaned. I rolled over to hit the alarm and looked at the clock. It read 5:30am. It was too early. Way too early. I didn't care what time I had to be at work, I wasn't getting up now. So, I simply rolled back over and attempted to re-immerse myself into the perfect life my dream had created for me.

A while later, my eyes flashed open. I checked the time on my phone. 6:30am. I swore loudly under my breath and jumped up grabbing whatever clothes were nearest to me and pulling them on.

I was halfway out the door when I realised I was wearing a pair of sweatpants and not my usual suit. I turned back around and grabbed my pants, hopping out the door whilst getting them on.

The usual twenty minute car journey took me almost forty, though it seemed like five times that. I just wanted to be at work already.

When my car finally pulled into the NCIS car park it was almost 7:15am. God, Gibbs was going to slaughter me. I took a second to compose myself before I jumped out my car and headed on into work.

As I entered the building, the lift doors were just closing over. I broke into a run as I attempted to catch it but as I was within a metre of it the doors slide shut.

I contemplated waiting for another lift but after deliberating it for a few short seconds I realised if I continued waiting for another lift I'd never make it to the bull-pen at all. I turned for the stairs and sprinted on up taking them two at a time.

Finally at almost half seven, I strode into the bull-pen. And I saw her, she was sat at her desk her long dark hair pulled back into a neat braid and her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed together in concentration as she read over what I presumed to be her notes from the case we were working on yesterday.

She lifted her head up from her paper work to look at me and I saw her brown eyes sparkle in the light as she saw me. After Somalia I wasn't sure I'd ever see that sparkle again. None of us were.

When I thought I'd lost Ziva… Words can't even describe how I felt. I'd let the pain and the grief completely overtake me. But she was here now. She was alive and though it took time, the glow she had, the flirting and the games we'd played for years, the ones I'd been oblivious to for so long, they all returned.

But Ziva, she didn't have any idea how I felt. She was as oblivious as I'd been for all those years.

And though I wanted to be with her, if I ever told her, and she didn't feel the same way, I don't think I could ever deal with that. I loved her and I couldn't live knowing she didn't feel the same way. As much as I wanted to take the risk, I couldn't.

I much preferred the mystery, the maybes and the what ifs. That was always going to be better than the rejection.