This is a crossover fanfic, between the Girl Genius webcomic and Monstrous Regiment.

Polly, Maladict, Maxim, Agatha, Dimo, Oggi, Jenka, Zeuxippe, Lucrezia, Klaus, Zeetha, Higgs, Gil, Tarvek, possibly other Girl Genius characters too, also plenty of OCs.
Polly/Maladict,Polly/Maxim, Maladict/OC, Maxim/Zeuxippe, Klaus/Lucrezia, Agatha/Jenka, Zeetha/Higgs, Zeetha/Agatha, Gil/Agatha/Tarvek.
PG-13, for the time being.

This fanfic, or at least some of its chapters, have been commissioned from me by my friend Corporal Maladict, and the Maladict in this one is his Maladict, not my usual Maladict. Some OCs belonging to other people will also appear, all used with permission. I've attempted to write characters from both worlds as true to their nature as possible, but once my quirky pairings begin to emerge, they may act in ways disturbing to true fans.

Dedicated to my friends in the Shades of Ankh-Morpork Guild on Gaia Online.

Dot's Right, Blutsukker!

The 'Official' Girl Genius / Discworld Crossover

Chapter One: Forget-Me-Lots

Two soldiers of the Mechanicsburg City Guard stood watch outside the gates of Castle Heterodyne. They were, to all appearances, two young human males. Their voices sounded slightly too young, and their cheeks were perhaps a tad too clean-shaven, but the overall impression was of country boys who had lied their age while enlisting. Their uniforms were spotless, but the blond one had a bit of shaving soap behind his ear, and the black-haired one with the penetrating eyes had a packet of cigarettes tugged into the band of his shako.

Maxim's keen Jägerkin ears could hear them talking to each other. The blond one spoke first. Maxim noted he had bright blue eyes and the facial features of a honest man – and that meant he would kill enemies instantly, instead of gloating and keeping them captive in torture chambers, like Lucrezia Mongfish and her ilk.

"Maladict, remind me once again why we are guarding the most dangerous building that ever existed, on a round planet with no turtles and only the mobile, house-sized kind of elephants?" The tone of voice reminded Maxim of a bored Jäger on guard duty, and he decided to listen in. He stopped to sit on a park bench, in full view of the two soldiers, and took out a sandwich from his bag. It was one of Old Man Death's sandwiches, a gift from Zeuxippe.

The one called Maladict replied, and Maxim realized he was looking at a vampire. There was the power in the voice, the weight of years, perhaps as many years as Maxim had, but Jägers just grew more fierce and cunning with years, and got better teeth, whereas vampires grew weary with the world and started playing games with humans.

"We are guarding this building because we are paid a handsome wage by Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, and we have sworn an oath to serve him, because he is our best bet in getting back to the Discworld."

A young Mechanicsburg woman sat beside Maxim on the bench. Maxim was disguised with a hooded black cloak, and clothes that covered him completely. The woman tried to peer into the shadows of the cloak, and saw some glint of fang or shine of purple skin. She gasped. "You're a jägermonster, sir!"

Maxim was wearing his hat on top of the black hood, and tipped it towards the woman. "Indeed hy am, dollink. Dun't tell hennyboddy!" He grinned at her, and bit into his sandwich with a lot of very sharp jäger teeth.

The woman watched, spellbound. "I have always thought you jägermonsters were fascinating. My name is Bella. What is your name?" She asked.

"Kan't tell hyu, dollink! Eeets a sekrit. Verra hoosh-hoosh!" Maxim finished the sandwich. It left an aftertaste of fish and horseradish in his mouth. He looked towards the gates again. The vampire soldier was smoking a cigarette, and the blond human one was standing very still in full attention, looking straight ahead. He was also blushing. Maxim realized the vampire must have said something embarrassing to him while Maxim was busy talking to the woman. "Nov, kan hyu tell me aboot dose tvo soldier boyz, my leedle nokedli?" Maxim asked the woman in a casual tone.

The woman looked towards the gates. "Sergeant Oliver Perks and Corporal Maladict? Why are you interested in them for? They just turned up one day, signed up, and got promoted after a few months." Suddenly her eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to sneak into the castle? It can't be done, you know – there are defences much better than those two protecting it!"

Maxim grinned. "Hy vill find a vay. Tank hyu for hyu informatchsion!" Maxim put the sandwich wrapper in the trash can beside the bench, and walked towards the guards. The woman stood up, then sat down again. She decided she wanted to see this fight, but not up close.

"Hello, boyz! Hy am Maxim, und hy am here to help de Heterodyne!" He announced brightly. He lifted his hat as if in greeting, let the hood fall to his shoulders, and allowed them to see his jäger features as his hat reclaimed its rightful place on his head. It was the hat of Old Man Death, fairly won, and Maxim was proud of it.

The blond soldier stared at Maxim. "What are you?" He asked, amazed.

The vampire stepped closer to his companion, and whispered. Maxim's keen ears caught the words 'jägerkin' and 'Heterodyne Heir'.

"Dot's right, blutsukker! Hy serve de Heterodyne Heir, und hy am jägerkin, und proud uf it!"

As he spoke, Maxim took a moment to sniff the air. And what he smelled surprised him. The blond soldier was a female. Of the vampire, he couldn't be certain, he smelled only of coffee and tobacco and the ash of human corpses.

The blond, no, blonde soldier spoke again. "I am sorry, mister, but we have orders not to let anyone enter the castle today. These orders come from Baron Wulfenbach. I understand you jägers serve him?"

Maxim leaned closer towards her. She smelled good... and also foreign, like someone from a very long way away. Maxim had never smelled flowers and trees like the ones he smelled in her hair. She smelled like someone who had bathed in pure mountain water, eaten clean country food, and been out in the fresh air a lot, all this somewhere where no smogs and smokes polluted the lands and skies. Of course, Mechanicsburg had left some taint in her, but that taint was recent. "Hy dunt. Vhere are hyu vrom, sveethot?" Maxim asked, his voice almost purring in her ear.

And the next thing Maxim knew, there was a blade at his throat. The blade was the bayonett of a rifle, and the vampire was holding the rifle. "Nobody talks to my friend like that! Back off, jäger! You don't know who you're dealing with." He announced.

The blonde girl – Sergeant Perks? Was that really her name? - pushed the rifle away with a firm hand, as if she did such things daily. Maxim realized she probably did. Guarding Castle Heterodyne certainly didn't sound like an easy job, especially not with a trigger-happy vampire as her Corporal.

"Calm down, Maladict. Mister Maxim asked a perfectly harmless question. We are from Borogravia, which is a small country in the mountains. It is mainly famous for chocolate. We are here because of long and complicated circumstances, which I would love to reveal to Mister Maxim, as soon as my watch duty ends at noon. At that time, I will be going for a drink in the pub across the street, and any vampires and jägermonsters interested in drinking with me are welcome to join me there. In the meantime, I would like to thank Mister Maxim for not invading Castle Heterodyne on my watch, because that would be very impolite, and would probably result in my death. I would like to remind you, Mister Maxim, that I am only doing my job here, just like everyone else."

Maxim stared at her while she spoke. Nobody had ever called him Mister before, and that impressed him even more than her carefully controlled diplomatic vocabulary. "Ve haff a date, dollink!" He told her, and grinned. There would be other ways to enter the Castle. And other times to attempt it. Agatha hadn't said they had to come right away, had she? Dimo would complain, Dimo always did. But Oggi would understand. A woman like that... well, things were going to be interesting soon, and it was useful to make new allies, wasn't it? If he could convince her that Agatha was the Heterodyne Heir, this woman would become someone important, Maxim was sure of it. He tipped his hat, replaced the hood, and walked away, his mind still filled with the scent of the flowers called Forget-me-lots.