Disclaimer: I promise to put them back, not too worse for the wear, once I'm done. The lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's "Mercy". The song doesn't go very well with this, but the lyrics do.
Summary: One night was all it was supposed to be… One night to forget, to feel a little less alone, to make it just a bit better. But only one of them kept up their end of the bargain. M/A
Rating: PG-13… for one bad word and some images.
A/N: I really seem to be in angst mode these days, so that's all I can say in way of explanation for where this came from. Actually, I seem to be in Alec-angst mode… poor guy, I just won't leave him alone.Happy Endings
There's no hope in regretting now
All the pain that we could not see
We both knew what we wanted
And we took it, believing it free
I should have said no. Hell, I shouldn't have even let it get to the point where there was anything to say no to.
But when you came to me with that look in your eyes… well, I recognized that look. I'd seen it too many times reflected in the mirror. Too many nights I'd wasted away in those feelings, too much of me had just wasted away. You wanted to forget—everything. Everything you could have had, everything you couldn't have any more. You wanted to forget that you'd ever been in love.
And I wanted you to forget too. I wanted you to be happy, even if for just a little while, especially if that little while was spent with me. I wanted you—
I wanted you.
So when you kissed me and said, just one night, I agreed.
When you pushed your hands under my shirt, coaxed it up, pulled it over my head, I let you. Then I did the same to yours. Maybe I couldn't have your heart, but I could have your body and pretend the rest came with it.
I'm great at pretending, you know. I've done it my whole life. I've been doing it since I met you, and long before that. And sometimes I wonder if I won't be pretending until the day I die.
But you're good at pretending too, aren't you?
When you ripped open my fly, yanked down my pants, leaving them bunched around my ankles because you couldn't bother with my shoes. When you did the same to yours, except yours came off all the way, or this wouldn't work. When you pushed me down onto the bed, pulled yourself up over me, then down and around me. When the only sounds in the room were those of heavy breathing, half-strangled moans, and flesh meeting flesh.
You never said my name. With all that passion, and all that lust, you never once said a thing. But I know inside your head you were screaming, screaming loud—just not my name.
You kept your eyes shut tight; I kept mine wide open. It was dark in the room, shadows and no light, but with that night vision it doesn't make much of a difference, does it? I saw everything. You didn't want to see a thing.
You're great at pretending too.
And afterward, as we lay there, in the silence, I wanted to ask you, so what was it like to finally fuck Logan? Because that's what you did, in your mind, and maybe in my mind too. I never had you—in yours, or mine. But I didn't ask since that wouldn't have earned any brownie points with you. It wouldn't have been good for our friendship, and I need our friendship. Because without it, what would I have left?
In the morning, you said, you'll leave. Bright and early before the others get up; after all, you have a nation to run now. Burdens and obligations and responsibilities.
I know you're supposed to be the one who doesn't sleep, but here you are, drifting in your dreams. And here I am, lying wide-awake, watching you. In the morning you'll leave and things will return to status quo, and we'll pretend this never happened. You'll go back to Logan with his latex gloves, sharing your meaningful glances and heartfelt sighs. And I'll go back to being… me. Peripheral. Comic relief, punching bag, backup—whatever you need.
But tonight I lie here, cradling your body, watching the peaceful contentment on your face as I gently trace the curve of your cheek, the soft roundness of your chin, the full lines of your lips. And I pretend this is my happily ever after.
In the morning, when you leave, I'll lie here alone, cold and empty, and I'll pretend I never wanted one in the first place.