Rumpelzelltskin

By: Quistis (also known as General Quistis) and Xu (also known as Zhakeena)

Disclaimer: I don't own the fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin and Final Fantasy VIII. I just do this for fun, okay???!!!

Author's Note: This is out of boredom…

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One boring day, since there was nothing else to do, Matron decided to "bond" with her "children"…

So she invited them for a sleep-over in the old house by the sea in Centra (after remodeling the house…), just like what they all did when the "children" were still children (duh).

When things got boring (it wouldn't be boring until Seifer complained that it is boring…), Zell convinced Matron to tell them stories just like when they were little bratlings…

ZELL: Matron, can't you tell us one of your stories just like when we were younger?

EDEA: Well, what kinda story?

SELPHIE: (excited tone) The Gingerbread Man! YAY!

SQUALL: (frown) That's stupid…

SELPHIE: (defensive tone) Oh, yeah?!

SQUALL: (glum) whatever…

QUISTIS: (sweet smile) Why not Sleeping Beauty?

SEIFER: (insulting look & tone) No, Sleeping Ugly! Then you'll be the Princess, Quistis, bwahahahahahaah!

QUISTIS: (dignified tone) Okay then, why not Little Red Riding Hood? You can be the Big Bad Wolf?

SEIFER: Matron, tell us again the story about the 3 Little Zells… I mean, Pigs! Heheh…

ZELL: (annoyed) What did you say?!

SEIFER: nothin'… hehehehehe

EDEA: I know what! Since Irvine's quiet over there…

IRVINE: *snore…*

SELPHIE: Matron, he's asleep…

EDEA: His favorite story was Rumplestiltskin, remember? I'll just cite the story, okay?

SQUALL: Whatever works…

EDEA: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a poor miller named Cid Kramer who had a pretty daughter named Quistis.

QUISTIS: (a little surprised) Why me?!

EDEA: Why not?

SEIFER: Coz she'll end up marrying the old king! Hahahahaha!

EDEA: SHHH! Anyway, Cid was a very boastful man but he loved his daughter dearly… and one day, when the King Seifer was making rounds in the town…

SEIFER: (surprised) what the…

QUISTIS: (teasing tone)So, you're the old man, huh, Seifer?

SEIFER: (annoyed look) *mutter mutter mutter*

SQUALL: then what happened?

EDEA: Anyway, King Seifer was making rounds in the town and he overheard Cid boasting mindlessly about Quistis… ya know what he said about her?

SEIFER: (evil smile with a mocking tone)That she can eat live Chocobos and Moombas?

QUISTIS: (wails) SEIFER?!

SEIFER: (imitates Quistis) QUISTIS?!

EDEA: (trying to maintain patience) Children,

QUISTIS: Sorry, Matron…

SELPHIE: Seify, will you stop interrupting?

SEIFER: (sarcastic tone) Whatever, Sefie!

SQUALL: quit acting like a brat, Selphie…

SELPHIE: Nasty! Hey, you don't usually talk too much!

SQUALL: ……. Whatever….

ZELL: Hey, can we please get back to the story?! Go on, Matron!

THE REST: *mutter-mutter-grumble-etc.*

MATRON: Thank you, Zell… Now where were we… Okay! Anyway, King Seifer was making rounds in the slums of town when he heard Cid telling some random guy that Quistis can spin straw into GOLD!

SELPHIE: Gold? Cool!

QUISTIS: Why not silver?

SEIFER: Or graphite.

SQUALL: Rubber is interesting!

ZELL: (excited tone) What about hotdogs??? Hehehe! That's more useful! You can even eat them and won't be bothered by the lines in the Cafeteria anymore!

QUISTIS: (snicker) yeah, and you'll end up choking again and throw hotdogs at the video camera!

SEIFER: What?

ZELL: Quistis, don't spill the beans to that lapdog.

SEIFER: (annoyed) Shut up, Chicken-wuss!

SELPHIE: MATRON! THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN!!!

EDEA: Hey, stop calling names! It's bad!

SEIFER: (smile sweetly) Ain't I the sweetest guy ever? Okay, Matron!

QUISTIS: *muttering to herself* more like sour…

EDEA: okay, and when King Seifer heard that, he immediately invited Cid and Quistis to the palace.

SEIFER: Why would I invite Trepe to my palace in case I have one?

QUISTIS: Why don't you just shut up, Seifer?

SEIFER: Oh, now you're telling me!?

SQUALL: I just noticed that you two have been arguing ever since earlier this evening…

QUISTIS: I don't know about Seifer but…

SELPHIE: (cuts Quistis) THEY LIKE EACH OTHER!!! (sings) Quistis & Seifer sittin' in a tree… K-I-S-S-I…

QUISTIS & SEIFER: (whacks Selphie with throw pillows) KNOCK IT OFF!

EDEA: (trying to control laughter) Okay, okay! Stop that!

ZELL: Can't we have a hotdog break first before we continue this story?

SELPHIE: We're not even in the middle of the story yet, Zell…

ZELL: Well if Seifer will stop interrupting then maybe Matron could finish this story in just 8 seconds!

EDEA: That's exaggerated, but anyway, can I continue now?

QUISTIS: anytime you're ready, ma'am… (frowning at Selphie)

SEIFER: Sure, go on…

EDEA: King Seifer spoke up, saying, "Quistis should stay in my palace for a while… So she can spin straw into gold… if she won't be able to do it by sunrise, she will die!"

SEIFER: (to Quistis) d'ya hear that, Trepe? You'll die!

QUISTIS: Like you can kill me, Almasy…

EDEA: (ignore the two) Anyway, though Quistis was afraid, Cid had no choice but to leave his only beloved daughter in the palace. With that, King Seifer led Quistis to …

IRVINE: (suddenly awake and cuts Matron) …to the Bedroom?!

EVERYONE GLARES AT HIM.

IRVINE: (raise eyebrow) What did I say?

SEIFER: green-minded moron!

EDEA: (in thoughts) Face it, Edea, they're growing and Irvine's a big boy… (to Irvine) …to a room in the dungeons.

IRVINE: What's in the room? A bed?

EVERYONE: (in annoyance and disbelief) IRVINE?!?!?!

IRVINE: (laughs) Okay, okay! I'm only kidding!

EDEA: (takes a deep breath before continuing…) Anyway, the room was full of straw and there was a spindle in one corner of the room. Quistis became nervous because she didn't really know what to do. King Seifer left her there and locked her up…

QUISTIS: Why can't the king just be Squall and the girl be Rinoa?

EDEA: because I said that the king is Seifer and the girl is you, okay? (smile sweetly)

QUISTIS: hmf (in thought) I wonder what's going on in Matron's mind…

EDEA: Quistis was already crying…

SEIFER: Crying?

SELPHIE: Doesn't sound like Quistis at all!

QUISTIS: (shrugs)

EDEA: (smile)… she sat down by the spinning wheel and looked at the big pile of straw, and wailed, "What am I going to do?! I'm going to die tomorrow at dawn! I can't even do cross-stitch projects, what more if I use this spinning wheel?! Seifer is going to kill me with his Hyperion! Boohoohoohoo!"

QUISTIS: (sweatdrop) oh my…

SEIFER: Actually, I'd torture her first before I kill her… like put scars all over her face? Hehehe…

QUISTIS: Never mind…

EDEA: and then POOF! A guy wearing a leprechaun costume appeared before Quistis!

ZELL: What's his name?

EDEA: Hmm… lessee… well, I can't reveal you his name… but actually, he looks like you, Zell! Heeheehee!

ZELL: Gee… I'll bet he's handsome!

SEIFER & SQUALL: More like dorky…

ZELL: (annoyed) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!

SEIFER: (laugh)

SQUALL: (smile and chuckle.)

EDEA: anyway, that guy surprised Quistis. "Who are you?!" she cried out.

QUISTIS: How come I sound like a damsel in distress? Where's my Save The Queen? Can't I use it?

SEIFER: that'd be unfair.

EDEA: no weapons here, Quistis… anyway, the Zell-like guy danced around Quistis…

SEIFER: dancing like a macho-dancer? Hahahahaha! Oh, I know, or maybe dancing "The Dance of a Thousand Chickens"!!! bwahahahaha! Oh, I mean, "The Dance of a Thousand Chicken-wuss" hehehehehe!

ZELL: (annoyed) Shut up!

IRVINE: Isn't there an interesting part here with Seifer and Quistis in it?

SEIFER: What?

IRVINE: Oh, ya know!

QUISTIS: (whisper to Irvine rather loudly) Irvine, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna reveal to Matron that you're hiding 100 issues of Girl Next Door inside your closet!

IRVINE: (look away, acting innocent)

EDEA: Irvine, is that little bit of info from your former instructor true?!

IRVINE: Uh…..

ZELL: Hah! You're in deep doo-doo now, Irvine!!!

SEIFER: Stop that gay talk, Zell…

ZELL: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

SEIFER: Hehehe…

SELPHIE: Will you people let Matron finish?!

EDEA: I can't finish this story if you guys keep on interrupting!

SQUALL: don't mind them, Matron… just go on… at least Selphie & I are still listening.

EDEA: (sigh) Oh well… the Zell-like guy said, "I can help you spin the straw into gold and save your life only if you give me something valuable." Quistis thought of something and then decided to give the leprechaun her…

IRVINE: SKIRT!!!!!!

SEIFER: No, ya mean her undies!!!! Yeah!

QUISTIS: PERVERTS! (slaps the two of them somehow at the same time) MATRON!!!!

EDEA: looks like Irvine's not the only one who reads Girl Next Door… (eyes Seifer curiously)

SEIFER: (laugh nervously) Hehehe… well, not really. I just read over Irvine's shoulder…

SQUALL: Oh, that's surprising (sarcasm)

ZELL: Well… what did Quistis give to me?

EDEA: she gave you her Save The Queen. ^^

QUISTIS: I thought you mentioned earlier that I have no weapons?!

EDEA: (act innocent) Oh, I did?

QUISTIS: (roll eyes) er… never mind…

EDEA: (smile sweetly at everyone) Quistis said, "This is my Save The Queen… it's valuable for me… it's yours…" the Zell-like guy in green tights took the Save The Queen and began to get to work. Before dawn, he was finished spinning every single straw into gold and left. At exactly dawn, King Seifer returned and was in awe upon seeing the room filled with gold!!!

SEIFER: Actually, I'd rather see Silver…

IRVINE: When's the good part?

EDEA: (ignores Irvine). And King Seifer took Quistis to a much bigger room with more straw. And yet again, King Seifer made the same threat that if Quistis cannot turn the straw into gold by dawn, she shall be executed in the worst way. And you know what?

ZELL: what?

EDEA: While the King was looking at Quistis and saw how beautiful & simple she was…

SELPHIE: Awww… how sweet! ^^

SEIFER: (cuts in) …and how she looks like a prude…

QUISTIS: (frown and ignore)

EDEA: *ahem!* and in his heart, he pitied her a little, though he mentioned nothing… and so he just left her there. Quistis was crying again and then the Zell-like man appeared again! "I can help you if you give me something valuable again!"

IRVINE: What, her virginity?

EDEA: (frown at Irvine) Irvine, will you stop that?!

IRVINE: Okay, no problem, matron! I'm just trying to spice things up! Hehehehe.

QUISTIS: (brings out her Save The Queen to threat Irvine in case he says something stupid again) Why, I oughtta…

EDEA: (sigh heavily) …and Quistis removed the clamp from her hair and handed it to the Zell leprechaun.

ZELL: Why would the leprechaun accept the clip?

EDEA: Because Quistis also gave him her recipe for her famous hotdogs.

ZELL: Cool.

SQUALL: Then what happened?

EDEA: The Zell-like Leprechaun accepted the clamp and began to spin every single straw into gold again… and left before dawn. In the morning light, the King arrived and saw Quistis' hair down… and the gold… And again, he took her to another room which was bigger than the last one, and told her, "If you succeed turning the straw into gold again, you will become my Queen. And, you know what'll happen anyway if you fail… so there!" With that the King slammed the door and locked in the crying Quistis inside.

SEIFER: This is getting sick…

SELPHIE: Aw, c'mon, I think you and Quisty make a cute couple!

SQUALL: I agree!

EVERYBODY: (stares at Squall)

SQUALL: What?!

EDEA: U-hurm… Anyway, Quistis was crying her eyes out again when the Zell- like leprechaun thingy appeared again and offered his help again, only for another valuable thing. But Quistis ran out of things to give, so…

IRVINE: What are you talking about?! She still has her clothes, y'know…

QUISTIS: (in a sing-song voice) Oh, Irvine… I think my Save The Queen wants to talk to you…

IRVINE: Not good.

EDEA: Sorry, Quisty, no room for violence here. Anyway, the Zell-type leprechaun said, "You'll marry the King tomorrow if I do my task, right? If you promise to give me your first born child, I'll do your dirty work…"

ZELL: What would a leprechaun do with a baby, for crying out loud?!

SELPHIE: Maybe the leprechaun likes cute widdle babies, and he wants to have one of his own so that he can cuddle it and hug it and squeeze it and…

SEIFER: And barf on it, and kill it, and chop it into little baby dust.

SELPHIE: EEW! Seifer, you're mean!

SQUALL: Besides, you can't chop something into baby dust…

SEIFER: Who cares?

EDEA: Okay, back to the story. Not knowing what else to do, and being desperate enough to save her life, Quistis accepted the leprechaun's offer. And so as Quistis slept her headache and stress away, the leprechaun thing got to work, and finished the straw transmogrification before dawn. So the next day, after King Seifer got satisfied with all the gold, he and Quistis got married, and she became the Queen.

IRVINE: Hey, the honeymoon scene! Where is it!!!

EDEA: Oh, how I wish that you were still a little boy so that you won't be saying those things! (nasty look)

IRVINE: Just kiddin', Matron…

SQUALL: go on,

EDEA: And months passed and they had a daughter whom they named…

SELPHIE: SELPHIE!!!

EDEA: …Selphie.

SEIFER: I'd rather name my child Hedwig.

QUISTIS: That name's gross… What about Marie Antoinette?

SEIFER: That's a very common French name!

QUISTIS: Well Hedwig is a common German name!

EDEA: Enough! The name of your daughter is SELPHIE, okay?

SELPHIE: (flashing her sweetest smile at Seifer & Quistis) Aww… don't hate me coz I'm cute! *wink*

SEIFER: (sarcastic manner) I don't hate you, I despise you…

EDEA: and soon, the Zell-like Leprechaun came back! He got inside the nursery where Quistis was putting Selphie to sleep. "I'm baaack! Anyway, about your promise, Quisty?" he asked. Quistis got her daughter and hugged her. "Please don't take my lovely little Selphie away!"…

SEIFER: Hahaha! Yeah, LITTLE Selphie! Just look at the height! Hahahahaha!

QUISTIS: *snicker*

SELPHIE: Hey, stop making fun of me… you tall guys…

SQUALL: Isn't it questionable? Selphie has tall parents and she's short.

SEIFER: Yeah…

EDEA: (a little annoyed) Stop that! Anyway, the leprechaun made a deal with Quistis: "In 3 days, I'll be coming back here and within those days, you should be able to guess my name or else, the baby is mine! Ya hear?!" and Quistis replied, "Whatcha gonna do to Selphie, turn her into a hotdog?!" The leprechaun smiled. "As a matter of fact, yes…" he replied

ZELL: HEY!

SELPHIE: I'd rather be luncheon meat!

EDEA: anyway, with that, the leprechaun left her. The next day, he returned. Quistis began to guess his name.

QUISTIS: His name's Zell Dincht, for cryin' out loud!

EDEA: uh… yes, but in this story, no… anyway, she mentioned a whole lot of names like Theodore, Jason, Alexander, Jerome, Vincent, Tyler, Rufus, Cloud, Sephiroth, Kuja… but nothing seemed to match the name of the leprechaun. "No, those ain't my name! See ya tomorrow, Quisty!" and so the leprechaun left. The next day, the Queen sent out Seifer's messenger, Squall, so that he could collect all the names for males all over the kingdom.

SQUALL: ME?! Work for (look at Seifer in disgust) THAT?!

SEIFER: And me? Hire YOU?! A puberty-boy for my squad? Never mind!!!

EDEA: and when the leprechaun returned, Quistis began to guess his name with the help of the list: Tidus, Raijin, Wakka, Vivi, Adelbert, Cid Highwind, Edgar Figaro, Locke, Tseng, Reno… but nothing seemed to work…

SELPHIE: Well then, what happened?

EDEA: The leprechaun left and returned home, but Quistis and Seifer made Squall follow him to wherever smelly cave he might call home. And so Squall followed the leprechaun into the deepest of the Grandidi Forests (in Esthar…) and he found the Zell thing dancing and prancing around a giant bonfire, singing…

"Tomorrow I'll bake that drooling cute baby

And turn her into a cute delicious hotdog, maybe

But will those morons ever win my game?

And will they know that Rumple-Zell-skin is my name?"

SEIFER: What a stupid song…

ZELL: Hey, if I was singin' it, it can't be all that bad!

SEIFER: Yeah, it gets worse…

ZELL: HEY?!

SELPHIE: Then what happened, Matron?

EDEA: Well, Squall was ecstatic to hear Rumple-Zell-skin's rather absurd name, so he ran from Esthar to Balamb and told the King and Queen the leprechaun's name before he forgets it. And so the next day, Rumple-Zell- skin made his cameo appearance at the palace, and gave Quistis 3 chances to guess his name. Quistis played along with Rumple-Zell-skin and said, "Could your name be… Barret?"

IRVINE: Barret? Sounds like some smelly fat guy with a gun on his arm…

SEIFER: As if you're not smelly, horsey-boy…

IRVINE: Hey! Take that back!

EDEA: Now, Seifer, what did I tell you about name calling?

SEIFER: Sowee, Matwyn… (sarcastically, sort of…)

EDEA: Okay, so Rumple-Zell-skin said, "Nope; too bad, next guess…" And Quistis said, "Okay… could it be Afroman?"

ZELL: AFROMAN?! Whatkindova…

QUISTIS: Why would I call him, Afroman?!

EDEA: I just said whatever first name popped in my head… And of course, Rumple-Zell-skin said, "Nope, sorry, last chance! I'm looking forward to my Selphie Hotdog!"

SELPHIE: Hmm… wonder what I would taste like…

SEIFER: Not very good, that's for sure!

SELPHIE: ~sniffle~ MATRON!!!

EDEA: Now, children, for the last time, stop your bickering! So anyway, Quistis smiled as she said her final guess: "Okay, could your name be… RUMPLE-ZELL-SKIN?!" And Rumple-Zell-skin's eyes bulged out of surprised and spat out random curses at the Queen.

SEIFER: Ya mean like, (in a mockingly high-pitched voice) "You stoopeh- poopeh beaver eating bozos! I oughta spank your kid's diapies and feed your dog my saliva!!!"

ZELL: HEY! I'm not that much of a moron to spit out ramblings about people eating salivating beavers!!!

SEIFER, IRVINE AND SQUALL: … what?!

QUISTIS: C'mon, just be quiet already! The story's about to be finished, anyway!

EDEA: Okay, and so the leprechaun named Rumple-Zell-skin exploded out of sheer anger and the royal family that is King Seifer, Queen Quistis and Princess Selphie lived happily ever after. The End.

SELPHIE: YAY! I ended up as a princess!

ZELL: … why did I explode?!

SEIFER: Cuz you're a chicken-wuss…

ZELL: HEY!

QUISTIS: Oh, well, at least it has a happy ending…

IRVINE: I still don't understand why there aren't any Seifer and Quistis honeymoon scenes!!!

QUISTIS: Why I oughta…

EDEA: (interrupting all of them) BEDTIME!

-silence-

SEIFER: Matron, it's only 10:00.

EDEA: but when you were children, your bedtime's at 8:00… it's already 10:00 and you should've been asleep 2 hours ago…

ZELL: Matron, we're 17 years old…

SEIFER & QUISTIS: and we're 18.

EDEA: (smile) But remember, we're doing this sleep-over just like when you were kids and we're playing by the rules just like when you were kids… now go to sleep!

SEIFER: Ya mean I have to sleep with these people?

EDEA: Yeah… and I'll tuck you guys in. Isn't that precious?

SELPHIE: Yay! Meytwyn will tuck us in! Me first! Me first! (jumping around excitedly)

EDEA: (giggle)

SQUALL: Oh brother… (sweatdrop)

QUISTIS: I'll just sleep on the floor… (plops down on the floor)

SEIFER: Hey, Quisty! Remember the story about the monster under the bed?! Hahahahaha!

QUISTIS: (stand up and push Selphie off the bed) I'll take the bed

SEIFER: Don't tell me that story still scares you, Trepe? (heads for the couch near the closet)

SELPHIE: Hey, Seifer! Remember the closet monster?!

SEIFER: (glare and leave the couch) Uh… no…

EDEA: (head for the door) Oh well, you guys are all big children now.. so I'll just leave you alone now… okay? G'night! (leave the room)

SQUALL: looks like we're on our own now…

QUISTIS: (starts to doze off)

SELPHIE: (pushes Quistis off the bed) bed's mine! G'night, see you in the morning!

SEIFER: Where's Chicken-wuss?

IRVINE: he's sleeping on the floor in that mattress and I'll be here on this side of the floor… (pointing at Zell who was already fast asleep and snoring)

QUISTIS: (yawning) Are you people ready to sleep yet?……

EVERYBODY ELSE: Fine.. *mumble-yawn-mutter-etc*

~silence~

RANDOM LEPRECHAUN: And remember…

EVERYBODY: ?!!!!!

RANDOM LEPRECHAUN: I'm watching you… Mwahahahahah!!!!!!!



THE END…