Adam is sick and tired of this crap.
No, scratch that. Adam is past the point of sick and tired. He is done with this crap, and he is going to do something about it.
Michael and Lucifer are bickering, which is all they ever seem to do since someone snuck in and stole Sam. Well, okay, they settled for basically poking his soul with a metaphysical sharp stick, but then Death waltzed in and put a stop to that.
Which Adam thought was hugely unfair. He gets that Death is presumably a busy guy, but he was already in the cage! Would it really have been so hard to grab Adam along with Sam's soul?
And sure, Adam has it a lot better than Sam did, but despite Michael's protection from Lucifer, it's not like being stuck in Hell with two archangels who cannot get over their issues for the rest of eternity is particularly pleasant.
And they're so childish! Were Adam particularly religious, he would have imagined the Apocalypse to be a predetermined, pre-programmed deal. When humanity had good and screwed the planet over. Like apoptosis, but for the world.
Instead it turns out to be a bunch of bored angels with a wealth of abandonment and daddy issues, and that kind of pisses him off. Because Adam gets abandonment and daddy issues, has dealt with his share of them. If he can deal with it and come out a reasonably functional human being, surely Michael and Lucifer should be able to act like reasonably functional archangels.
"And what was with all the face stepping?" Lucifer says. "You know there's a reason all those artists are always using that. You were always saying you wanted me to realize my mistakes and seek forgiveness, but instead of giving me a chance, you just stepped on my face and tried to stab me."
"Because you were tempting people into sin," Michael replies primly.
Lucifer snorts. "Tempting them into sin? Please. Humans don't need temptation to sin. Everyone just wanted to blame me, because how could Father create and love such awful things. Don't pretend you're particularly fond of them."
"I love all of our Father's creations."
"Which is why you were perfectly fine with destroying the Earth in the Apocalypse."
"Perhaps if you hadn't driven Father away with your… insubordination, it wouldn't have to be like this."
"Oh, so now that's my fault as well? What else can we pin on Lucifer? Because blame it on the devil is always such a fun game for me."
"ENOUGH!" Adam yells.
The angels stare at him. It's disconcerting, mostly because he still sees them manifest in the forms of their vessels, and it's really bizarre to have yourself but not yourself staring at you.
"You two need to work out whatever problems you have with each other, or this is going to be a very long eternity," he says, and both the angels are still staring at him like he's grown an extra head or something, but Adam's on a roll now. "I get that you both feel betrayed by your dad, and probably by each other, but if you keep whining about how betrayed you are, nothing is going to change. This is a problem that requires action. Just hug it out already!"
Lucifer sighs. "Are you sure we can't hurt him a little?"
Michael ignores him in favor of continuing to stare. "I don't understand what you mean."
Suddenly, Adam is very aware that he just told two archangels to hug it out. As if that will solve everything. But now he's committed to it.
"You know, hug it out. Hug each other." He flails his arms around in a way that really doesn't accurately portray hugging, but hopefully they get the point. "Because you're family, and you care, so just put everything else aside and hug."
Michael looks intrigued. Lucifer rolls his eyes.
"I'm going to hug you now, brother," Michael declares.
Lucifer doesn't have time to protest before Michael is embracing him, and it's kind of comical, because Lucifer in Sam's body seems a lot bigger than Michael in Adam's body, and also because they're actually trying to hug in out, and Adam is just really confused now, and Lucifer might be crying, but he can't really see, and Adam is just going to go stand in the corner now, because this is just getting ridiculous.
"I'm so sorry, brother," Michael says.
Adam thinks Lucifer replies with a similar sentiment, but it's kind of hard to make out because he is really sobbing now, and seriously, this is not how Adam expected this to go down. He's struck by the sudden thought that he may have just inadvertently signed himself on for an eternity as family counselor to the archangels, and the idea is fairly terrifying.
Because clearly, his future now holds a lot of "Michael, you need to use 'I feel' statements; when you use 'you' statements it makes Lucifer feel judged," and "Lucifer, you need to acknowledge that killing your brothers whenever they disagree with you is not conducive to a healthy family life. I don't care if Castiel threw that Molotov cocktail first or Gabriel was going to stab you."
And yeah, he is totally resenting Death right now.