My entry for the Make Twific Fun Contest. Thank you to Sadtomato & SingleStrand for putting this contest together.
Thanks to mshavisham79 for taking a look at this for me and thanks to cosmogirl7481 for the idea to loosely base this off of my own personal experience. I can't make all this up, y'all ;)
As soon as I opened the door, I knew nothing would ever be the same.
My dad was waiting for me to have the sex talk.
Shoot me now.
Times like these, having a mom in the picture on the regular would be really helpful. But, it was just me and Charlie, Renee bailed on us a long time ago. So, here I am, standing on the front porch, avoiding going into the house like the plague.
How do I know THE talk is happening today? Well, the books he's been conveniently leaving around for the past week have been a pretty big hint. Also, this is his first day off since the books started randomly appearing all over the house. Charlie is the police chief in our small town of Forks and the force is small enough that if someone goes on vacation and someone else gets sick, the Chief has to pick up the slack. Normally, he goes fishing on his day off but not today, no, today he wants to tell me about the birds and the bees.
I take a deep breath and open the door, "Hi Ch-, Dad! I'm home." I really need to stop calling him Charlie when he's not around, it's too easy to slip up.
"Hey, Bells, how was school?" He's sitting at the kitchen table, looking down at the sports section, his ears already tinged red.
"Pretty good, sixth grade is kind of a cake walk." Yeah, he waited until the sixth grade for this one, he's not the only one who wishes this talk never had to happen.
"Well, you're a smart kid, I'm not surprised you think school is easy." He's looking everywhere but at me and he's rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Maybe this is worse for him than me... or not.
"So, Bells, I want to talk to you about sex." I guess he's jumping in with both feet. His face looks like a moustached tomato. My face feels like it's on fire so I know we're the father/daughter tomato duo.
"Uh, Dad you don't have to. I read all those really helpful books, thanks for those, by the way, and now I know all about it and we don't need to have THE talk. I know how things work, the illustrations were super detailed. If I have questions, I'll ask. So, I'm just going to go up to my room and start on my homework. Thanks for the great talk!" I turn and make a beeline for the stairs.
"Hey, hey, hey, wait a second, stop right there." Crap. "We're going to talk about this." I officially have no way out.
Charlie launches into a speech that has obviously been rehearsed but quickly veers off course and takes a turn for the worse. And by worse I mean he starts to explain sex using Harry and Sue Clearwater as his real life examples. Harry and Sue just happen to be Charlie's best friends and their kids, Leah and Seth, are two of my closest friends. I do not want to imagine Harry with his erect penis and scrotum full of sperm (Charlie's words, not mine). I also don't want to imagine Sue, waiting for Harry's erect penis to penetrate her well-lubricated vagina (again, Charlie's words, not mine). And I definitely don't want to think about Harry's erect penis moving in and out of Sue's well-lubricated vagina, creating friction and causing Harry to ejaculate inside of her, possibly fertilizing one of her eggs (once again, Charlie's words, not mine).
Worst. Sex talk. Ever.
"Well, Bells, do you have any questions?" How he is able to say anything after that speech with a straight face is beyond me.
"Um, nope, sure don't, Dad. I think you pretty much covered it all." I will say anything to get away from this conversation and into the sanctuary of my room.
"Good, but you know if that changes, you can always talk to your dear, old dad." So I can get another lesson in the sex life of Harry and Sue? No thanks, I'll pass.
"I do know that, Dad. I really have a lot of homework tonight so, I better get started."
I make my way up the stairs and I'm almost to my room and he yells up, "Don't forget, we're going to Harry and Sue's for dinner tonight. Harry's making his homemade fish fry and I know you love that stuff as much as I do. Be ready to leave by 6:30."
No, really, shoot me now.
Thanks for reading, y'all!