Author's Note (please read): While this is not my first "rules" fanfiction, it is my first "Star Trek" rules fanfiction. Yes, I was inspired to write it by the wonderful rules writer Saphura but by the second chapter you'll see I've done this in a unique sort of way and hopefully my rules are new too. However, this chapter is not very unique at all but this is how all rules from the admirals will be written. The chapters after this that are written by the senior staff are the ones written in a sort of IM format but you'll see that next Sunday. I have a handful of chapters written already but (as always) I'm...scared to post this...so a (good) review would be much appreciated from those who read this (if this gets read at all) to let me know you want me to post more. I repeat, these rules are written by the admirals.
Chapter 1 - Laying Down the Law
1. You are not to paint "Only Ship in the Fleet" under U.S.S. Enterprise on the saucer section of the ship. We aren't sure who instigated that but if it's still there when you reach Starbase 15 you will be in so much trouble!
2. You are not to attempt to go into warp upside down ever. EVER! How did you get upside down?
3. We don't care if you think the red uniform shirts are cursed, you are not to release all 400 or so into the Romulan neutral zone. They are not happy about it.
4. The song "Star Trekking" by The Firm is not to be broadcast on subspace channels.
5. You are not to play "dead in the water" when another Federation ship is in the area. Think of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" and we're sure you'll understand why this is a bad idea and that it isn't as funny as you think it is.
6. The view screen is not to be used to screen movies or holo-shows. Especially since you can't decide on what to watch and call Starfleet Command to help you all to come to a consensus. The worst part is that the person you got a hold of helped.
7. Prank calls to admirals are to cease and desist immediately. We know it's you Kirk.
8. "Whoa, you're ugly!" is not a proper way to greet Klingons you're trying to negotiate with. You nearly started an inter-planetary war with that one.
9. Commander Spock is not a reliable substitute for the ship's computer Captain Kirk, so don't even try it. We don't care if you're getting irritated with the computer's responses. Mr. Spock will probably say the same thing as the computer when you ask him "How awesome am I?"
10. They're called the LAWS of physics for a reason. Mr. Scott is not to try to break them all as a hobby.
11. You may not form a ship's cheerleading squad. We don't care how catchy the cheers are.
12. Captain Kirk cannot mutiny against himself. We know for a fact that the only reason he disobeyed his own direct order and told security to lock him in the brig was because he had a hangover.
13. If you are not in orbit of the planet you are supposed to be in orbit of get out of orbit of that planet and go to the one you are supposed orbit. We're rolling our eyes at you right now.
14. Lt. Nyota Uhura is not to decode any messages she's not supposed to. Especially ones accidentally sent to the Enterprise by one of the admirals that pertained to a rash he had on his buttocks that led to teasing from Captain Kirk. Incessant, horrible- When I get my hands on you Kir- Please disregard the previous sentence.
15. If it sounds illegal for a starship to do, than don't do it. Simple as that. Simple if you aren't the Enterprise crew, that is.
16. Lt. Hikaru Sulu and Ensign Pavel Chekov are not to attempt that experiment ever again. We don't need to say what that was but it was an international incident on a planet that must now be classified because of that. Yes, we realize we have no proof they did that but we are capable of making educated guesses.
17. Dr. Leonard McCoy may be as belligerent to the officers aboard the Enterprise as he wants to regardless of rank as long as they allow him to. He may not, however, be belligerent to Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan just because he's ticked off with Commander Spock.
18. No means no, Kirk, even if Lt. Uhura can find a word in another language that sounds like no but means yes.
19. You're driving us crazy. Yes, that's a rule.
20. Captain James T. Kirk, First Officer Spock, Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu and Ensign Pavel Chekov are charged with updating this list of rules as regularly as required with rules pertaining to the, to be frank, insanity that happens aboard the starship Enterprise. The captain of this vessel, its crew and the vessel itself bring new definition to the phrase "floating psycho ward". Best of luck.
So...should I write more? Should I never write another chapter again? Please let me know in a review.