Title: nod my head, so dumb with love
Summary: There's something else I'm dreaming of. / Switch of character death.
Author's Note: Title and summary belong to "Your Eyes" by Bombay Bicycle Club.
I don't even know how I can live sometimes.
I've always wanted to write this couple and I decided this was kind of an interesting idea? Someone's probably done it but whatever guizzz.
She has hair shiner than sea water.
Bubbles rise to the hair as she breathes underwater, and he has never experienced anything more beautiful. He could imagine what she must taste like under the sea, like make believe and salt and maybe even like butter. She looks so desperate, suddenly. Her eyes are wide and her mouth can't open anymore. It is almost like her lips are glued together and she keeps shaking and he notices for the first time that her hands and legs are bound together.
Before he can stop it, a wave carries him away and he can feel her heart slowly leaving him. He knows she's gone from the world.
And then he wakes up and realizes.
She is really gone. There is nothing to bring her back. She is gone as dust and he is lost without her. There is nothing without her and his heart is broken and he will slowly forget her and she will not be there to remember him, and they will disappear.
He can almost imagine what it would be like if she were still here. He could imagine her in this new world with the new rules and the smiles on people's faces. He sees a rainbow for the first time in three years on their anniversary.
And instead of thinking it was a good thing, he just thought how delighted she would have been to see it. Now, she can't.
He's home a lot now. There's nothing really there that is worth staying anymore. She was the only one who was worth staying for. So many people are rebuilding their homes and a bench is given in Annie's honor and all Finnick can think is – really? A bench? Annie is more than life to him – more than the moon and the stars and a bench does not cover that for him.
Mags gets a new pier built in her name. Finnick can't help but think that Annie should have gotten one too. When he tries to get her something better – something bigger and better and something (so he can never forget her, because there's no world without Annie), the people of District 4 look at him with pitying eyes. Beautiful people are always more mesmerizing when they're sorrowful, and Finnick realizes that he doesn't want something, he just wants Annie. And he knows that he will never have her again, so he leaves.
Peeta, surprisingly, is the one to tell him that Annie was pregnant. Finnick has never known Peeta well, but he can tell he is a good man by the way Katniss allows herself to look at him with that hidden flame of devotion. It reminds him of the flicker of love that Annie's eyes would show when she looked at him real hard. Peeta's eyes are soft and his voice is too. There's a loaf of bread between them that's warm and Finnick is restless, wanting to know why Peeta called him.
When Peeta tells him, Finnick starts to cry. It's slow at first, like the trickling of water and then suddenly he is crying so hard that he drips tears on his shirt and his pants and he looks so young. Peeta pushes the bread towards Finnick and before Finnick can register what he's doing, he's shoving chunks of bread into his mouth. The salt from his tears blends with the warmth of the bread and he soon stops crying, just savoring the warm bread.
Peeta looks at Finnick with equally warm eyes and says, "This was Annie's favorite."
Finnick looks up and he understands that this is what Peeta does. He is the gentleness and thought to Katniss' power and seclusion. He can tell that they would be good parents. Katniss would reprimand and Peeta would spoil them and they would love each other so well and love their children and make them into good people. Finnick never thought of it himself – of being a father. But now that he thinks of it, he yearns for children of his own. He would teach his children how to be strong and how to tie knots and how to treat people and he could imagine Annie loving them so much and kissing their foreheads and telling them stories before bed. Suddenly, he is so mad that he will never again have what Katniss and Peeta have.
Peeta sees his anger and whispers softly, "Katniss wanted me to tell you that she's pregnant. We want you to be the godfather."
Finnick breathes slow and he realizes that even though he almost was close, he will never get the chance again. He doesn't mean to, but he says yes before Peeta can say another word. Maybe he could pretend his godchild was his own. Maybe Annie will smile down at him and it would be enough.
She has hair shiner than sea water.
Katniss' baby girl, with straight dark hair and blue eyes, makes him think of Annie. He thinks of new beginnings and happy days. He thinks of teaching her how to swim and he thinks of singing her songs about love. He thinks about telling her about Annie, about how they met and how they loved each other. He thinks about telling the little one about love.
He thinks about Annie; what they could have had.
And then, Finnick realizes.
She was never gone. She's always been there, in the spaces of his mind and in the heart of his heart. Annie has never left. She has always been right there with him. She will never leave him, even if he forgets.
Finnick smiles, kisses the baby's forehead. And then, he lives.