Necessary disclaimer: I own nothing of the Harry Potter franchise. Nor will I. It all belongs to JK Rowling and... her publisher, probably? Maybe the film people? Probably not the computer game people but I should specifically say I don't own the rights to the games either. I make no money from this. I think that covers everything.
Sections of this chapter were quoted directly from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Again, don't own it.
Wormtail was speaking. His voice shook; he seemed frightened beyond his wits. He raised his wand, closed his eyes, and spoke to the night.
"Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son!"
The surface of the grave at Harry's feet cracked. Horrified, Harry watched as a fine trickle of dust rose into the air at Wormtail's command and fell softly into the cauldron. The diamond surface of the water broke and hissed; it sent sparks in all directions and turned a vivid, poisonous-looking blue.
And now Wormtail was whimpering. He pulled a long, thin, shining silver dagger from inside his cloak. His voice broke into petrified sobs.
"Flesh - of the servant - w-willingly given - you will - revive - your master."
He stretched his right hand out in front of him - the hand with the missing finger. He gripped the dagger very tightly in his left hand and swung it upward.
Harry realized what Wormtail was about to do a second before it happened – he closed his eyes as tightly as he could, but he could not block the scream that pierced the night, that went through Harry as though he had been stabbed with the dagger too. He heard something fall to the ground, heard Wormtail's anguished panting, then a sickening splash, as something was dropped into the cauldron.
Harry couldn't stand to look… but the potion had turned a burning red; the light of it shone through Harry's closed eyelids…
Wormtail was gasping and moaning with agony. Not until Harry felt Wormtail's anguished breath on his face did he realize that Wormtail was right in front of him.
"B-blood of the enemy… forcibly taken… you will… resurrect your foe."
Harry could do nothing to prevent it, he was tied too tightly… Squinting down, struggling hopelessly at the ropes binding him, he saw the shining silver dagger shaking in Wormtails remaining hand. Harry felt the point pierce the soft flesh of his wrist and drag along the arm towards the elbow. There was pain as Wormtail collected some blood from the wound as it continued to flow out at an alarming rate.
Wormtail staggered back to the cauldron with Harry's blood. He poured it inside. The liquid within turned, instantly, a blinding white. Wormtail, his job done, dropped to his knees beside the cauldron, then slumped sideways and lay on the ground, cradling the bleeding stump of his arm, gasping and sobbing.
The cauldron was simmering, sending its diamond sparks in all directions, so blindingly bright that it turned all else to velvety blackness. Nothing happened…
'Let it have drowned.' Harry thought, 'let it have gone wrong…'
And then, suddenly, the sparks emanating from the cauldron were extinguished. A surge of white steam billowed thickly from the cauldron instead, obliterating everything in front of Harry, so that he couldn't see Wormtail or Cedric or anything but vapor hanging in the air… 'It's gone wrong', he thought… 'it's drowned… please… please let it be dead…'
But then, through the mist in front of him, he saw, with an icy surge of terror, the dark outline of a man, tall and skeletally thin, rising slowly from inside the cauldron.
"Robe me," said the high, cold voice from behind the steam, and Wormtail, sobbing and moaning, still cradling his mutilated arm, scrambled to pick up the black robes from the ground, got to his feet, reached up, and pulled them onehanded over his master's head.
The thin man stepped out of the cauldron, staring at Harry… and Harry stared back into the face that had haunted his nightmares for three years. Whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes and a nose that was flat as a snakes with slits for nostrils…
Lord Voldemort had risen again.
Voldemort looked away from Harry and began examining his own body. His hands were like large, pale spiders; his long white fingers caressed his own chest, his arms, his face; the red eyes, whose pupils were slits, like a cats, gleamed still more brightly through the darkness. He held up his hands and flexed the fingers, his expression rapt and exultant. He took not the slightest notice of Wormtail, who lay twitching and bleeding on the ground, nor of the great snake, which had slithered back into sight and was circling Harry again, hissing. Voldemort slipped one of those unnaturally long-fingered hands into a deep pocket and drew out a wand. He caressed it gently too; and then he raised it, and pointed it at Wormtail, who was lifted off the ground and thrown against the headstone where Harry was tied; he fell to the foot of it and lay there, crumpled up and crying. Voldemort turned his scarlet eyes upon Harry, laughing a high, cold, mirthless laugh. Wormtail's robes were shining with blood now; he had wrapped the stump of his arm in them.
Harry decided that was a brilliant idea and moved to wrap his own wound that had continued to bleed unheeded. Unfortunately his increasingly sluggish mind had forgotten he was tied to a heastone, leaving him rather incapable of doing... anything at all, really.
A bad sign, that.
At least it didn't hurt anymore. The pain was rather bothersome for a while there. And the feeling that he was falling was making him feel ill. Odd, that, considering how much he enjoyed that feeling while on his broom. His eyelids grew increasingly heavy until mercifully they fell over his eyes, allowing him to slip into sweet unconsciousness.
His escape from the horror show he found himself in was painfully brief, however, lasting only a few minutes. Long enough for Voldemort to notice the boy's worsening condition. "Wake him." Lord Voldemort ordered, "he should be awake for this. This is his story I'm telling. It is only proper for him to see how it ends."
Two of the nearer Death Eaters sent Enervate spells at Harry, waking him with some urgency. His mind was by no means fully functioning at this point, though. More running along basic ideas like 'bad people, bad place, have to get away'. All facts, but the how for getting away was far beyond him already.
He needed help. But none would be coming this time.
"Such plans I had for our reunion, Harry Potter." Lord Voldemort said in his unsettling voice. "Recounting all of your valiant deeds in front of my gathered followers only to torture you into madness afterwards. Facing you in a duel, only to mercilessly destroy you without effort. But you won't understand my words, won't feel the pain I inflict upon your very soul and I wager you couldn't even hold your wand by now, let alone use it." Voldemort sighed dramatically. "Indeed. Wormtail's... overzealous actions have had unfortunate consequences. So we must move ahead to the main event." he finished as he raised his wand.
Before swaying out of the path of a poorly aimed Expelliarmus fired by Wormtail. "What is the meaning of-" he snarled before whirling on his apparent betrayer. "Oh, of course. Life Debt. Well that is easily solved. Crucio!" he hissed and the rat like man was suddenly in excruciating pain. The Dark Lord plucked the man's wand from his hand and returned to his original task. "I'm sorry, where were we? Ah, yes."
The spell shot from Voldemort's wand. The instant it hit Harry's neck it cut clean through, neatly decapitating him. As Harry realised what had happened in his last few seconds of life, he had the strangest thought.
'Nick is going to be so jealous!'
And then he was gone. Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, prophecised saviour of the wizarding world was no more.
"How convenient we have a perfect venue to announce this...tragedy to the world." Lord Voldemort mused aloud as he spotted the discarded Tri-Wizard cup lying in the dirt.
The audience of the Tri-Wizard tournament had been eagerly awaiting the appearance of the victor of the auspicious event on the field in front of the maze. Some were getting restless, others worried for the competitors. The traps in that maze were nothing to sneeze at.
So when the portkey-charmed cup returned there was thunderous applause, the crowd thinking the winner had returned.
Then, seemingly as one, they noticed there was no one holding the cup. Rather, the cup was holding something.
Reactions were... mixed. Screams were common. Vomiting not so common. Wide-eyed, stunned silence covered a significant percentage. Including two fourth-year Gryffindors who couldn't quite put the pieces together as their mutual friend's head stared back at them from its place within the cup.
One old man spent a split-second mourning the boy he supposedly cared for, before moving on to more important matters. Like how his plans needed to change without the Boy-Who-Lived.
With a flash of light, Harry appeared whole once again in an entirely unfamiliar place, utterly confused. He was fairly certain he had just been killed, rather gruesomely, at that. He put both hands to his neck to check for cuts but found none, the same was true for his arm that had previously been sliced open.
"... Bloody hell, I really am dead aren't I?" Harry asked the empty air, looking around at the room he was in, decorated with ancient Greek architecture, oddly enough. "Not really what I was expecting from Heaven... or Hell. Wait, I'm not in Hell, am I?" he asked in sudden panic. The Dursleys had quoted that 'thou shalt not suffer a witch to live' stuff at him often enough and Harry figured the primary concern of that line wasn't gender.
The pure white wall directly in front of him suddenly changed to a deep blue colour with an appearance of a misty twilight sky. A mysterious yet meloncholy tune started to play from somewhere, composed entirely of beeping sounds. To Harry, it seemed both familiar and not and he was having trouble remembering where he had heard something similar. All of a sudden it came to him. "That sounds like one of Dudley's-"
Large white letters appeared on the wall.
"-computer games." Harry finished. "Brilliant. At least the afterlife has a sense of humour."
Age fourteen: 140 points
'Defeated' Lord Voldemort: 1 point
Survived Dursleys: 50 points
Passed third year: 60 points
Passed divination (1): 3 points
Passed Care of Magical Creatures (1): 5 points
'Earned' friend (Ron): 10 points
Outflew Malfoy: 5 points
Joined Quidditch Team (Seeker): 5 points
Defeated Troll: 20 points (+10 Gryffindor bonus)
Earned friend (Hermione): 20 points
Earned Life Debt (Hermione): 20 points
Quidditch win (5): 50 points
Freed Norbert: 5 points
Passed Philosopher's Stone traps: 25 points
Defeated Quirrelmort: 50 points
Successfully spied on Malfoy: 10 points
Escaped acromantula nest: 20 points
Found Chamber of Secrets: 10 points
'Defeated' Lockhart: 1 point
Defeated basilisk: 200 points (+20 Gryffindor bonus)
Destroyed Riddlemort: 100 points
Earned Life Debt (Ginevra): 20 points
Freed Dobby: 10 points
Mastered patronus charm: 20 points
Rescued Buckbeak: 10 points
Earned Life Debt (Wormtail): 20 points
Defeated dementors: 30 points
Rescued Sirius: 50 points
Defeated a dragon: 60 points
Earned friend (Cedric): 20 points
Second task: 40 points
Third task: 50 points
Subtotal: 1170 points
Tolerated Ron (3): - 70 points
Trapped by Mirror of Erised: - 10 points
Caught breaking rules (3): - 30 points
Blindly trusted Dumbledore: - 50 points
Crashed Weasley car: - 20 points (+5 Gryffindor bonus)
Alienated the School (2): - 40 points (+10 Gryffindor bonus)
Defeated by dementor (3): - 60 points
Quidditch loss: - 10 points
Allowed Wormtail to escape: - 100 points
The Yule Ball: - 200 points
Friend (Cedric) killed: - 500 points
Killed by Lord Voldemort: - 500 points
Died a virgin: - 1000 points
Subtotal: - 2575 points
Final total: - 1405 points
Karma: positive: auror
Negative score! Unlocked Dunderhead Harry!
Defeated a dragon! Unlocked Dragon Slayer Harry!
Loved by the Weasleys! Unlocked Weasley Harry!
Secret unlocked! Played with time! Pause unlocked!
"A sense of humour and loads of time on it's hands, then. Credit where it's due for the list though. It's pretty accurate. Though the 'died a virgin' bit is kind of harsh isn't it? I mean I was only fourt- Oh, right. Can't really use 'I lived all the way to fourteen years old' as the counterargument for anything, can I? And that stuff about Ron and Dumbledore was a bit weird. And should you add 'gone insane' to the end as well since I can't seem to stop talking to myself?"
The sad beeping music had stopped, leaving Harry in silence again. "Continue. To what? To the real afterlife? What if I pick 'no'? Do I go back? But I'm dead so that would make me... a ghost. Bugger that, I'll take my chances with whatever comes next." Harry decided, again aloud, as he pressed his hand onto the 'yes' button.
The beeping music returned only less sad but with the same mysterious feel as before. What looked like a title screen had appeared with several options listed and the title of the 'game' at the top.
Said title being, of course, 'Harry Potter'.
"Oh, piss off with the game rubbish already!" Harry griped, receiving no answer, not that he expected one anymore. "Fine. Help. Help me get past this stuff." he said, pressing said button.
Start a new adventure as Harry James Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived!
Continue a saved game from a previous session.
Access secret options unlocked from previous playthroughs.
"... Well that wasn't helpful at- wait. Does that mean I could go back and try again?" Harry asked. It would be brilliant if he could. He could save Cedric! Sirius! Capture Pettigrew! Fix all those negatives on that score from before! Course of action decided, he chose LOAD GAME only to find there were no save files. It made sense since he'd never heard of saving before he died. NEW GAME it was, then. So he started from first year again. So what? Just meant more things he could fix, right?
As he pressed the aforementioned button, the wall split vertically at the middle and slid open, revealing a room behind it. Gathering his Gryffindor courage (that was apparently worth a lot of points), he stepped through.
The room was designed the same way as the... entryway, as Harry decided to call it. Pure white with columns and marble everywhere. The room was decorated with statues. It was disturbing that they all looked mostly like Harry except... not quite right. Save for one, that is. All of the statues seemed to be chained down onto a pedastal except for that one. It was an exact replica of Harry and seemed to be walking in place on its pedastal. CHOOSE YOUR AVATAR, the message said as it appeared in mid-air in front of Harry.
"So these are all different versions of me?" Harry asked as he read some of the labels. 'Human' was the normal looking Harry and the only one not chained down, 'Veela' a much better looking version, 'Dragonborn' a Harry that seemed to have small barely visible scales, 'Demonic' and on and on it went. As it was the only one unlocked, Harry chose 'Human'.
After he made his selection, the statues all sank into the stone floor, to be immediately replaced with a new set of statues. This time, four were without chains. CHOOSE YOUR ORIGIN, the game demanded. Looking around, Harry recognised the names on the unchained statues. Dragon Slayer, Weasley and Dunderhead as well as theStandard origins were moving.
"So because I did certain things while alive, I get new options for next time?" Harry mused. Maybe if he knew what he needed to do, he could make sure to do it this time. Then if he came back here when he died again, he would have even more choices.
Granger Harry was the first one he looked at. It looked like a healthier and happier version of himself, much like the moving Weasley Harry did. Though the Weasley one was noticeably pudgy. Not surprising given Mrs Weasley's cooking.
LOCKED! Learn Hermione's parents' names!
"... That's it? That's the unlock condition? That's easy! They're... err... Huh." Harry said as he scratched his head in confusion, realising he never actually learned them. "Well okay then I'll... I'll look out for that..." he promised as he sheepishly moved to the next locked statue.
Pottermort was unnerving. In both its appearance and what it represented. It was Harry but his features were more snakelike, ending up a twisted cross of Harry and Voldemort. Harry wasn't aware of it, but that basically described what the Pottermort origin was; the fusing of Voldemort's soul fragment in Harry's scar with Harry's own soul, leaving strong traces of the Dark Lord's personality imprinted on him.
Locked! Become the next Dark Lord!
"... That sense of humour still strong, I see." Harry said before immediately moving on.
"OH FUCK YES!" Harry shouted, seeing the masked version of himself in a mask, standard ninja attire and in a standard ninja pose. "How do I get this one! HOW?"
Locked! Attain freedom from the Dursleys unaided!
"Hm." Harry said. "That could be tricky. But it'd be soooo worth it!"
In the end, Harry decided he would just stick with the standard for now and try to use his knowledge to his advantage rather than start something that would end up completely different (no matter how great 'Dragon Slayer' sounded). As he went to select the Standard origin, more information appeared.
Bonuses: Luck, Courage
"Just Harry. But who wants to be 'just Harry'?"
"Me. So let's go already." Harry said, before everything vanished, including him.
The next thing Harry knew, he was staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling and surrounded by bars. He wasn't quite sure where he was. It seemed familiar. Like he'd lived through this recently.
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off- "
That was all Harry needed to hear to know exactly where and when he was. He'd experienced this memory recently, after all. His attempt to shout any foul language that came to mind literally died in his throat since his mouth couldn't make the proper sounds yet.
To sum up: he was at Godric's Hollow on October 31st 1981. He was a baby, completely incapable of doing anything worthwhile. His dad had died seconds ago and no more than a minute from now his mum would do the same.
And he would spend the next ten years as the Dursley's slave.
Those other origins just gained a whole new level of appeal.
A/N: So you want to know how long I've been sitting on this? Two months. I read Majin Hentai X's Naruto fic of strikingly similar name and felt inspired. I asked permission and here we are.
Funny how I dreaded writing the graveyard bit when it was the research for the final score that was a real pain. Reading synopses of the first four books to get the important events down.
You might have noticed this fic has a kind of dark opening. Things like that will happen from time to time. First Law of Fanfiction and all. If Harry has access to what is essentially time travel then Voldemort really needs to step up his game as a villain. And he will. But I'd like to have this be a humour fic with some awesome thrown in here and there. Whether it ends up that way... Hell if I know.
Reviews will be answered by PM for this fic save for when that isn't an option. Then it'll be in the A/N here at the end of chapters.
Thanks for reading!