Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd. I also do not own Urinetown, Into the Woods, West Side Story, Occupy Wall Street, Emilie Autumn, Disneyland, James Bond, Friday, Bohemian Rhapsody, A Very Potter Musical, We Are Young, One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall, Rent, or Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

Author's Note: This is a parody of Sweeney Todd. My school just did a production of this show, and I was a chorus member. So many ridiculous things happened during the rehearsal process, that I decided to write this! So… Act One commences…


Prelude: The Show Where Everyone Dies

(A whole bunch of people are standing on a stage. Suddenly, they all burst into song)

Everyone: Swing your razor wide, Sweeney

Hold it to the skies!

We are in the show where everybody dies!

(Then, all the sopranos hit a note that could, if anybody thought of it, double as that loud whistling noise that pops up frequently throughout the show. Then, Sweeney Todd enters. He starts singing about himself in the third person, as if to prove that he is not entirely sane. Then:)



Scene 1: In Which Sweeney Arrives in London

(Left onstage is Sweeney Todd. There is also a woman who appears to be dead, as she is laying on the floor. A sailor enters and trips over the dead woman)

Anthony: Isn't London the happiest place on earth?

Sweeney: No. There are dead bodies laying all around, like that one you just tripped over, and they're never the people who deserve to—

(The "dead" woman suddenly sits up, as she was just resting. She then begins a bizarre dance…)

Beggar Woman: Aaaaaalms…. Aaaaaalms…. for a desperate woman… aaaaalms….

Anthony: Of course, you poor thing!

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to split me muff, dear, a little jig, jig, a little bounce around the bush—

Anthony: THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. (hands Beggar Woman a script) Sing this.

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to be my boyfriend—no, this is stupid.

Director: Yeah, it is stupid. Sing what you were singing before.

Beggar Woman: How'd you like to split me muff, dear, a little—

Sweeney: GET OUT!

Beggar Woman: Whatever. (sings) We all want a world filled with peace and with joy… (flips offstage) OWWWW!

Anthony: That was… weird…

Sweeney: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit—

Anthony: SWEAR JAR!

Sweeney: SHUT UP. Anyway, so there was a barber who was definitely not me. He had a wife who was beautiful and perfect. They used to sing all kinds of musicals together. Then a judge sent the barber who was definitely not me to prison for no reason, so he could have sex with the barber who was definitely not me's wife. And I don't know what happened, because I was in prison. Because yeah. That was me.

Anthony: Okay.

Sweeney: Anyway, I can't imagine how you could possibly have any relevance to the plot after this, so… bye!

(Anthony skips off down the street. Sweeney shakes his head in annoyance, then heads off to… Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop!)

Scene 2: In Which Sweeney's Friends Can Help Kill Things

(When he gets there, he finds Mrs. Lovett making pies to music. As he enters, she suddenly starts to sing:)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey! Oddly familiar looking guy! Don't go away! Everyone goes away when they see me… it's like I carry diseases… or the pies do… except they actually do… try one and find out!

Sweeney: Really, you ought to go into advertising.

Mrs. Lovett: You mean it? Thank you!

Sweeney: That was sarcastic. Anyway, there's a room up there. Did anyone ever live there? And did they look oddly like me?

Mrs. Lovett: Actually, there was a guy who did look oddly like you! He was a barber! And he was beautiful and perfect! And he would sing all kinds of musicals with his wife!

(Lucy is shown upstairs, dancing and singing while holding a baby.)

Mrs. Lovett: But something horrible happened up there! You see, a judge sent him to prison for no reason, so he could have sex with the barber's wife. So then he raped her at a party and everyone else thought it was okay because—


Mrs. Lovett: Wait, did that guy look oddly like you because it was you?

Sweeney: No frickin way.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well, in that case—

Sweeney: That was sarcastic too.

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you, Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: Not Barker! Bond now. James Bond.

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry, that's already taken.

Sweeney: Whatever, I'll be Sweeney Todd then. That was my backup plan. Anyway, what happened after that? Because you said an awful thing happened in the room. And what you just said happened at Judge Turpin's house. So…?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh… your wife… um… sort of… died.

Sweeney: She "um… sort of… died"? What does that mean?

Mrs. Lovett: And the judge that sent you to prison for no reason and raped your wife also adopted your daughter. For what I'm sure are perfectly innocent, non-perverted purposes.


Mrs. Lovett: Hey, I have a great idea! I'll give you a bunch of shiny sharp objects!


Mrs. Lovett: I could have sold these, but I didn't, because I'm your friend.

Sweeney: No, you're not! You're not shiny! (to razors) My friends… you'll help me kill things…

Mrs. Lovett: I can help you kill things.


Mrs. Lovett: Whatever.

Ensemble: Lift your razor high, Sweeney, hear it singing yes! As we sing we hear its ring of doomfulness!

Someone: Wait, that's not a word—

Beadle: *really loudly to drown out this person* HIS VOICE WAS SOFT HIS MANNER MILD—wait, was that ironic—

Random Female Chorus Members: *really loudly to drown out this person* HE KILLED HIS WIFE AND WOULD KILL HIS CHILD—wait, that hasn't happened yet—

Random Male Chorus Member: *really loudly to drown out these people* HE'D SEEN HOW CRAZY EVERYONE WAS, AND JOINED IN ALL OF THEM JUST BECAUSE…

Ensemble: He's Sweeney… He's Sweeney Todd… the demon barber of Fleet Street!

(The ensemble leaves.)

Scene 3: In Which A Metaphor is Slaughtered

(We see a tall tower that has neither doors nor stairs—wait, wrong story. We actually see a rather large house. On the second floor, there is a window. Through the window, you can kind of sort of see a girl's face if you look at just the right angle.)

Johanna: (to the tune of Rapunzel's music from ITW) Ahhhh….

(A bird seller walks by)

Johanna: (in really annoying weird voice) Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, how is it you sing—


Johanna: (in really pretty voice) How can you jubilate, sitting in cages, never taking wing… You know, isn't it weird how these birds are a metaphor for my pathetic life? Just sitting there in a small space singing all day? If only some guy would come by one day and set me free… (sees Anthony) Hey, look, there's a guy! Maybe if he looks at just the right angle he can actually see me!

Anthony: Hey, if I look at just the right angle it looks like there might be a pretty girl up there!

Johanna: (singing) And it's raining and the stars are falling from the sky and the wind and the wind and the wind I know it's cold-

Anthony: (to Johanna) HEY YOU! OVER HERE!

Beggar Woman: You know, that might not be the best way to go about things…

Anthony: What would you know about it?

Beggar Woman: Maybe you should buy her a bird or something.

Anthony: Great idea! (goes over to bird seller, who has fallen asleep) Which bird is the best metaphor for that girl's pathetic life?

Bird seller: Oh, all's the same, sir. Just get one.

Anthony: Okay. (He does) Now what?

Beggar Woman: Maybe it would be nice if you knew her name.

Anthony: Well, how am I supposed to do that?

Beggar Woman: Her name is Johanna. And she lives with Judge Turpin.

Anthony: Who is Judge Turpin?

Beggar Woman: He's a rapist!

Anthony: What?

Beggar Woman: (randomly singing) When darkness surrounds you and you lose your way, you have your own compass that turns night to day… (starts giggling) Hey, hoy, sailor boy… aaaaaaalms… aaaaaaalms… (leaves)

Anthony: Oh, no! I can't let Johanna live with a rapist! (randomly starts singing) Johanna! I just met a girl named Johanna! And suddenly that name will never be the same to me….

Judge Turpin: You! Singing songs from other musicals on my street! Staring at my ward! Calling me a rapist! Get out!

Anthony: No.

Beadle: Fine, then. I'll kill your metaphor of Johanna's pathetic life. (strangles bird and drops it on the stage. It bounces.)


Johanna: Fly, birds… back to the sky… back to the eaves and the leaves and the castles—

Judge Turpin: Not you, too! I knew he'd be a bad influence on you…

(Judge Turpin and the Beadle go into Judge Turpin's house. Anthony starts to sing again)

Anthony: I'll steal you, Johanna… do you think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window… I am in the dark beside you—

Random Ensemble Member: You know, that song sounds extremely creepy out of context.

Anthony: You might be right. (starts singing again) JOHANNA! SAY IT LOUD AND THERE'S MUSIC PLAYING… say it soft and it's almost like praying… Johanna… I'll never stop saying… Johanna! (runs offstage)

Scene 4: In Which Things Smell Like Piss

(The scene changes. We are now in a random marketplace in London. People are walking everywhere, trampling the dead bird that is still on stage. A boy is putting up a sign that says "Pirelli's Miracle Elixir". When he is done, he starts to sing. Actually, he starts rapping, while yet another random chorus member is beatboxing)

Toby: Gentlemen and ladies, your attention pa-leez

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair

To discover your pillow is covered with hair?

Chorus Which Is 90 Percent Women: No, actually.

Toby: Well, buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir

That's what did the trick, sir

Did it in a tick, sir

This is the remix, sir!

Mrs. Lovett: That's stupid.

Sweeney: Also, this elixir smells like piss.

Mrs. Lovett: Why does everything always smell like piss?

Sweeney: Well, last time the show was actually about piss.

Mrs. Lovett: And everyone died.

Sweeney: This is weird.

Toby: Hey, the only reason I'm rapping is because whenever anyone does it in a school project they always get a good grade! And if you got a problem with Pirelli's elixir… talk to him!

Sweeney: What if I don't want to talk to him?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, someone has to talk to him.

Sweeney: You talk to him, then.

Mrs. Lovett: No, you talk to him.

Sweeney: No, you.

Mrs. Lovett: You're the one who got your name in the title, so you owe me. I wanted the show to be called, "How Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett Fell In Love and Got Married With Sparkles and Dead Unicorns."

Sweeney: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You owe me for even thinking of that.

Mrs. Lovett: Fine. Rock-paper-scissors.

(They play rock-paper-scissors. Sweeney loses. He resigns himself to talk to Pirelli)

Pirelli: Who-a says-a my-a elixir is-a piss-a?

Sweeney: Me.

Pirelli: Why-a do-a you-a say-a that-a?

Sweeney: Because it is.

Pirelli: And-a what-a are you-a going to-a do about it-a?

Sweeney: I'm going to challenge you to a shave-off.

Pirelli: (suddenly in a French accent) You hear this foolish man? Watch and see how he will regret his folly!

(Sweeney and Pirelli begin to shave two guys. However, Pirelli is distracted because, at the same time, he is singing a song.)

Pirelli: (Jamaican accent) For if you slip, you rip the lip a bit and that's the truth! (British accent) Seriously. You could kill someone that way.

(Meanwhile, Sweeney is done shaving his guy)

Beadle: The winner is Todd!

Pirelli: WHAT?

Sweeney: The five pounds?

(As Pirelli gives Sweeney the five pounds, that music from the part of Into the Woods where Jack gives the baker the beans plays)

Sweeney: Whatever. I probably won't ever see you again.

Pirelli: (German accent) Or maybe you will! (runs off cackling)

Sweeney: That was… weird…

Man With Cap: Hey, so you're a barber, right?

Sweeney: Duh.

Mrs. Lovett: He has a barbershop over my meat pie shop! Which you should probably go to, by the way.

Random Male Chorus Member : GOD THAT'S BAD THAT IS DISGUSTING—

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up! (Random Male Chorus Member is thrown off the stage.)

Man With Cap: I'll be there.

Beadle: Me too! Wait, you look familiar.

Mrs. Lovett: Probably from the… uh… the train.

Beadle: What train?

Mrs. Lovett: You know. The train.

Beadle: Right. (leaves. Ensemble goes off to various corners of the stage to wait until they are needed again.)

Mrs. Lovett: It's a good thing you had to talk to him. I might have had to challenge him to a bake-off, and I don't think the result of that would have been good. (pause) Ensemble? Hello?


(Everyone exits.)

Scene 5: In Which Sweeney Has Another Friend (and kills someone)

(We are back at the meat pie shop/barber shop. Mrs. Lovett is inside and the beggar woman is hanging around.)

Beggar Woman: (doing dance from before) Aaaaaalms…. Aaaaaaalms…


Sweeney: I have another friend.

Mrs. Lovett: That's wonderful, dear.

Sweeney: It's a sock puppet.

Mrs. Lovett: Really, now?

Sweeney: Well, what else am I supposed to do? My entire life is based around killing people! Which reminds me, why isn't the Beadle here yet? He said he would be here on Thursday! And it's TUESDAY! That comes after Thursday… right?

Mrs. Lovett: No. Yesterday was Monday. Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday, and Thursday comes afterwards.

Sweeney: Darn. That always happens.

Mrs. Lovett: Even after I showed you that educational video?

Sweeney: That was not an educational video.

Mrs. Lovett: But it listed the days of the week!

Sweeney: Only some of them. It didn't specify that Thursday comes after Tuesday. And I think you scarred me for life in the process.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, just wait.

Sweeney: But I really want the Beadle to come here so I can kill him!

Mrs. Lovett: But if you kill him, don't you think the judge will notice?

Sweeney: We'll deal with that when it happens. That's completely besides the point.

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, let's not talk about killing people. That makes me depressed. Let's talk about something else… like flowers! Let's talk about the flowers we can have at our wedding!

Sweeney: …our wedding?

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah…

(Anthony bursting in interrupts the awkwardness.)


Sweeney: What?


Sweeney: Okay. Why am I supposed to care?


Mrs. Lovett: This is really the wrong musical for that—


Mrs. Lovett: Bananas? Anyway, did you actually talk to this girl?


Sweeney: WHAAAAA?

Anthony: So I have to rescue her. Can I hide her from the rapist here?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure.

Anthony: Great! I'm gonna go feel her and steal her now. Bye! (leaves)

Mrs. Lovett: Wow! You'll have your daughter back again!

Sweeney: But that weird sailor dude is going to steal her!

Mrs. Lovett: You can just kill him.

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: You know. Just completely non-suspiciously murder your daughter's boyfriend, and no one will ever notice.

Sweeney: I can't see any possible problems there. No way.

Mrs. Lovett: Wonderful!

Sweeney: That was sarcastic too.

(There is a knock on the door. Mrs. Lovett opens it and Pirelli walks in, followed by Toby.)

Pirelli: (American accent) Hello, Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: I kinda hoped I wasn't gonna see you again.

Mrs. Lovett: This might be awkward. Hey, random kid, let's go downstairs and have some meat pies, okay? (Mrs. Lovett and Toby do so)

Sweeney: Anyway, why are you here?

Pirelli: I just thought you should know… I'm not an Italian barber!

Sweeney: Well, your accent kept changing so I kind of figured that.

Pirelli: I'm not a French, British, German or American barber either!

Sweeney: Well, now you've got me stumped. What nationality are you then?

Pirelli: That's not it. I'm actually not a barber at all. I am… dun dun dun… a musical theatre freak from America!

Sweeney: Wow!

Pirelli: So that means I know exactly what happens in a musical called Sweeney Todd! I know that you escaped from prison, that you're going to kill a whole bunch of people, including—oh shit—

(Pirelli tries to run away, but before he can, Sweeney stabs him in the butt, ripping his pants, and then strangles him.)

Sweeney: Well, that takes care of that. Now, what should I do with the dead body, so that no one will see it? I know! I'll put it in this trunk over here!

(He starts to, but then realizes the trunk is too small. He tries another trunk, and another, and another—wow, Sweeney has a lot of these lying around!—but Pirelli doesn't fit. Also, his pants rip even more as Sweeney tries to shove him in.)

Sweeney: Damn, this guy doesn't fit anywhere!

(Sweeney finally pushes all the trunks into a circle around Pirelli and drapes a sheet over the whole thing. Just then, three people run onstage shoving each other and wiggling all over the place. Then they start to sing to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody.)

Man With Cap: Sweeney just killed a man

Random Crazy Lady: With a razor in his hand

Cut his throat and now he's dead

Random Female Chorus Member: Goodbye to Pirelli

And your turn's soon…

All Three: In Sweeney's shop many will face their doom!

Anthony: (appears out of nowhere) JOHANNA! OOOOOHHHHH!

You know I'll rescue you!

I'll come to marry you this time on Sunday!

But till then, carry on, as if nothing really matters…

Toby: (appearing out of nowhere) I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Ensemble: He's just a poor boy who works for Pirelli

But since he's dead, what's in store for Toby!

Beadle: (appearing out of nowhere, singing randomly) VISHMILACH! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Anthony: LET HER GO!


Judge Turpin: (appearing out of nowhere, getting ready for the next scene) However awesome it would be, that song is not part of this musical. Can we move on to the next scene now?

(Everyone reluctantly leaves the stage.)

Scene 6: In Which Judge Turpin Needs a Shave (and sparkles)

(We are now in a courtroom. Beadle is eating popcorn while watching Judge Turpin sentencing a small boy while talking on a cell phone and eating a burger.)

Turpin: (into phone) Is this Urine Hut? (pause) What do you mean, this is the wrong musical? How could you accuse me of such a thing? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM JUDGE TURPIN GODDAMNIT! (hangs up phone) Where was I? Oh, right… You have committed so many crimes in all your seven years, you must die! Mwahahahahaha! (A cop drags the small boy off the stage.)

Beadle: That was… interesting, my lord.

Turpin: Don't blame me! I'm under a lot of stress! All I want to do is move to the seaside and open up a burger shop. I could call it Burger Judge: Judge It Your Way!

Beadle: Okay… maybe you shouldn't listen to Mrs. Lovett so often.

Turpin: (as if Beadle said nothing) Or I could do it in Santa Fe, instead of at the seaside, since everyone's going there these days. Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe… Sunny Santa Fe would be nice…

Beadle: That's what the Rent characters did, though.

Turpin: (as if Beadle said nothing) But nooo, I have to organize a new thing called the Wrong Musical Police. It's an epidemic, I tell you! And in order to save Johanna from the perils of other musicals, I have decided to marry her next Monday.

(Meanwhile, Johanna and Anthony were standing a few feet away—in stage-space, that is—and overheard this.)

Johanna: WTF?

Anthony: I have a plan.

Johanna: WTF?

Anthony: KISS ME!

Johanna: TONIGHT!



Anthony: MARRY ME!

Johanna: OH SIR!

Anthony: AH MISS!

Johanna: OH NO!

Anthony: OH YES!


Turpin: For some reason, Johanna doesn't seem to realize this is a good idea.

Beadle: Hmmm, let's think. Maybe it's because you're several decades older than her, you've raised her as your daughter, you make unwanted inappropriate comments at her all the time, you have a history of being a rapist, you send small children to be executed and you really need a shave.

Turpin: So wait, you're saying all I need to do is shave, and that will solve all my problems?

Beadle: Um… yes!

Turpin: Great… but where can I find a barber?

Beadle: What a happy coincidence, I just met a barber! His name is Sweeney Todd.

Turpin: Sweeney Todd? As in the guy we were singing about before? The one who kills people?

Beadle: No, that's stupid.


Anthony: MARRY ME!

Johanna: YES!

Anthony: I'LL STEAL YOU!

Johanna: TONIGHT!

Random Ensemble Member: (in really annoying voice) TONIIIIIIIIIGHT! WE ARE YOUNG, SO LET'S SET THE WORLD ON FIRE—

Beggar Woman: CITY ON FIRE!



Anthony: ANTHONY!

Johanna: OH SIR!

Anthony: JOHANNA!

Johanna: OH SIR…

(They kiss really disgustingly. They start licking each other's faces. Meanwhile…)

Beadle: Plus, Sweeney Todd can put sparkles on your face. I know how much you love sparkles on your face.

Turpin: Really? That's awesome!

Scene 7: In Which Sweeney is Not a Normal Murderer (and neither is Mrs. Lovett)

(The scene changes. We are back in Mrs. Lovett's pie shop/Sweeney's barber shop.)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, Sweeney?

Sweeney: Yeah?

Mrs. Lovett: What did you do with Pirelli?

Sweeney: Well… let's just say he's in a better place now.

Mrs. Lovett: You took him to Disneyland? And you wouldn't take me? You bastard!

Sweeney: No, you idiot, I killed him.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well, that's okay, then.

Beadle: (outside on the street) Here's Sweeney's barber shop.


Beadle: …okay then. (leaves)


Mrs. Lovett: Uh-huh.

Sweeney: This is your cue to leave now.

(Mrs. Lovett does. Judge Turpin comes up to the barber shop, tripping over the bizarre arrangement of trunks as he enters.)

Sweeney: Hello, Judge Turpin.


Sweeney: ….okay then.

Turpin: Sorry. I'm just excited. About the sparkles. And the wedding.

Sweeney: What wedding? Please don't say my and Mrs. Lovett's wedding. I told her that wasn't happening but she keeps asking me to help her pick out invitations. Did she send invitations? Please don't tell me she sent invitations.

Turpin: I have no clue what you're talking about. I mean my wedding to Johanna.


Turpin: What?

Sweeney: Um… I said… uh… do you want some water?

Turpin: No, thank you.

Sweeney: Well… you know what's better than water?

Turpin: Beer?

Sweeney: Well, yeah. But there's only a limited amount of songs you can sing about that.

Random Male Chorus Member: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer-

All Other Chorus Members: WINE AND BEER!

Sweeney: Anyway, you know what you can sing a lot more songs about?

Turpin: Love?

Sweeney: Women.

Turpin: Ah, yes, women.

Sweeney: Pretty women.


(Meanwhile, Sweeney is preparing to shave/kill Judge Turpin. He is about to slit his throat when Anthony bursts in, tripping over the bizarre arrangement of trunks as he enters.)

Anthony: OMG SWEENEY! I'm so glad I found you! You're the only one I trust not to tell Judge Turpin that I'm running off with Johanna to save her from that ugly old rapist who—oh shit.

Sweeney: Why did I ever tell this guy where I live?

Turpin: Johanna elope with you? That's absurd!


Turpin: What? That's absurd! You shall never see my face or throat again! (leaves)

Sweeney: GET OUT!

(Anthony flees. Mrs. Lovett runs in.)

Mrs. Lovett: What in the heck just happened?

Sweeney: His butt was there, beneath my hand!

Mrs. Lovett: Wait, what?


Mrs. Lovett: You should really calm down before someone gets hurt—

Sweeney: But that's exactly what I want! I want a whole lot of people to get hurt! Everyone in London sucks! I mean, there's the looting, and the hoarding and the rioting and the burning and the raping and the witch hunts and the cannibalism—

Mrs. Lovett: Did you just say cannibalism?

Sweeney: Yes. Why?

Mrs. Lovett: No reason. Go on.

Sweeney: Anyway, I've decided that I should not just kill Judge Turpin. I should kill EVERYONE I SEE.

Mrs. Lovett: …okay then. (backs away slowly) So… if you kill all these people, what do you intend to do with the bodies?

Sweeney: I guess I'll just bury them. It really wasn't the main thing I was thinking about.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, yeah… but that's what normal murderers do.

Sweeney: True.

Mrs. Lovett: So I was thinking… what if we made the dead bodies into pies?


Mrs. Lovett: Let's list all the different people we can kill! We can kill the tinker.

Sweeney: Something pinker.

Mrs. Lovett: Tailor?

Sweeney: Something… paler.

Mrs. Lovett: Soldier?

Sweeney: Something… colder?

Mrs. Lovett: Spy?

Sweeney: …I LIKE PIE!

Mrs. Lovett: How about actor?

Sweeney: Always arrives overdone! Now, director—

Director: HOLD! You can't kill the director!

Sweeney: But if we can kill all the actors, and we pretty much do, why can't we—

Director: It's just a rule.

Sweeney: Why?