Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. I also don't own Friday, Rent, Jack In the Box, Urinetown, Chicago, Occupy Wall Street, Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches, Smooth Criminal, West Side Story, Twilight, Bad Romance, or Wicked.
Scene 8: In Which People Eat Pies (and are pies)
(We are now in Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is dancing around serving pies. Sweeney is upstairs bouncing in time to the music, and occasionally pelvic thrusting. A sign has been added to his barbershop that says, "Like Mrs. Lovett's pies? Want to be a part of what makes then so great? Come to Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlor for details." The entire ensemble is sitting at tables eating pies and drinking various forms of alcohol.)
Random Chorus Member: Wow, these pies are surprisingly good all of a sudden!
Toby: (rapping again) Gentlemen and ladies, your attention pa-leez—
Mrs. Lovett: I told you not to do that song anymore! Do the other one!
Toby: Who likes pie? You like Pie?
If you like pie, I'm your guy
Because today is pie day, pie day
Gotta get down on pie day—
Mrs. Lovett: AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!
Random Male Chorus Member: (gets on table) To days of inspiration, playing hooky, makin' something outta nothing, the need to—
Mrs. Lovett: WRONG MUSICAL! (shoves random male chorus member off table) (to other people) Nice to see you, dearie, how have you been keeping? Cor, me bones is weary, TOBY! He's vegetarian!
Mrs. Lovett: Yeah?
Sweeney: We finally got stairs installed so we don't have to get someone to hold the ladder all the time!
Mrs. Lovett: Yay!
Sweeney: Is that a stair fit for a king, a wondrous, neat and most necessary stair…
(There is another random male chorus member laying in the corner with a mug on his crotch)
Random Female Chorus Member: Why does everything always end up on a guy's crotch?
Another Random Female Chorus Member: Remember that hat?
Random Chorus Member With Jack In The Box Cup: Look, a burger and soda in the nineteenth century!
Another Random Female Chorus Member: Look, a cell phone in the nineteenth century!
Turpin: (appearing out of nowhere) Big deal, I have all those things too. (disappears again)
Beggar Woman: You are the river, I am the river, he is the river, she is too…
Mrs. Lovett: TOBY THROW THE OLD WOMAN OUT!
Mrs. Lovett: Yeah?
Sweeney: So, when I'm ready to send a dead body down, I'll pound three times, okay?
Mrs. Lovett: Sure. Wanna practice on Man With Cap? I'm running out of pies already.
Sweeney: Great idea!
Everyone: (realizes they forgot to sing) GOD THAT'S GOOD THAT IS DE HAVE YOU WHERE'S MY FORK OH NO WHAT'S THAT GUY DOING WHERE'S MY PHONE WHAT'S MY LINE PIES SUCH FLAVOR GOD THAT'S GOOD!
Random Female Chorus Member: Must be a full moon out tonight.
Scene 9: In Which People Sing About Johanna (again)
(Anthony is standing on the street outside Fogg's Asylum. Johanna is inside said asylum. Sweeney is in his barber shop.)
Anthony: I feel you, Johanna… (a banana salesman walks past) BANANA! (runs after banana salesman) I'LL STEAL YOU, BANANA!
Sweeney: (shaving a guy) And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair, like me? I will not try to cut your throat, how silly that would be, Johanna… STACATO! (kills the guy and sends him down. The guy's pants rip as he falls.)
Johanna: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday…
Sweeney: And are you pretty, pale and blond, like that weird sailor dude? I will not try to murder you and cook you into food, Johanna… PIANISSIMO! (kills another guy and tries to send him down, but the chair does not go.) Damn. Guess I need a few more minor adjustments…
Beggar Woman: Evil! Doom! Smoke! Fire! Satan! YOU WHO FLY THE BLIMP OF EVIL, SHUN UP HEAVAL IN THE AIR! CITY ON FIRE! DOOOOOOOOM!
Sweeney: You're gone, and yet you're mine… I'm fine, Johanna, but the men of London are not fine! (finally manages to send guy down. His pants rip.)
Anthony: I'll steal you, banana…
Sweeney: And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die, I think the way I'd like you best might be as juicy pie, Johanna…
Johanna: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday…
Random Lunatic : That's not happening, get over it, Johanna!
Beggar Woman: WHY DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS GUY KILLING PEOPLE IN FRONT OF A HUGE ASS WINDOW? WHERE DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOUR LOVED ONES ARE GOING?
Sweeney: We learn, Johanna, to say… goodbye! (does not slit guy's throat because his family is there—it was Take Your Kid to the Barber Day or something—and besides, the chair might still be broken anyway)
Beggar Woman: Must be a full moon out tonight… aaaaaaaalms!
Scene 10: In Which Anthony Keeps Getting Arrested
(Anthony is still outside the asylum. Sweeney has disappeared. The banana salesman has just walked into the asylum.)
Anthony: (banging on the doors) BANANA! BANANA!
Beadle: (coming up behind Anthony) Did you just say Johanna?
Anthony: No, but now that you mention it… JOHANNA!
Beadle: …that's an insane asylum.
Beadle: Banging on the door is really not going to help your situation.
Anthony: (ignoring Beadle) I FEEEEEL YOU, JOHAAAAAANNAAAAA!
Beadle: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL ARREST YOU.
Anthony: You can't arrest me! Nah nah nah nah nah! JOHANNA! I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED JOHANNA!
Beadle: WRONG MUSICAL POLICE! Arrest this man!
Anthony: Aw damn it! This always happens! WHY DID I LISTEN TO MY HEART… I HEARD ITS CALL AND—(is grabbed by cops. He breaks free and runs away) BANANA! BANANA!
Beadle: (shaking head) Weirdo. Must be a full moon out tonight.
Scene 11: In Which Even Sweeney Is Disgusted
(Sweeney is sitting in the parlor. Suddenly Mrs. Lovett bursts in.)
Mrs. Lovett: OMG! Did you know what one of my customers just told me?
Sweeney: No, but I really—
Mrs. Lovett: Laura and James are getting married and they—
Sweeney: I seriously don't care right now.
Mrs. Lovett: What?
Sweeney: I'm trying to figure out how to kill the judge.
Mrs. Lovett: Oh, that's all? Why is that so difficult? There are so many ways to kill people. You could slit his throat, you could poison his food, you could send wild animals after him, you could set a booby trap so he falls onto a huge mat of spikes, you could strangle him, you could shoot him, you could push him into a burning oven…
Sweeney: Wow. You really put a lot of thought into this.
Mrs. Lovett: Whatever. Anyway, you know what we should do after you kill the judge?
Mrs. Lovett: We should move to the seaside and get married with sparkles and rainbows and unicorn puppies and kill people and have millions of babies!
Mrs. Lovett: (kisses Sweeney) Well?
Sweeney: I have killed approximately 77 people in the past two weeks. I send their bodies down for you to grind into pies. And yet, there are some things even I can't handle.
(Suddenly Anthony bursts in.)
Anthony: OMG SWEENEY!
Sweeney: Seriously? After what happened last time would it really be so hard to knock first?
Mrs. Lovett: This might be awkward. I'm going to the bathroom. (leaves)
Sweeney: Anyway, what do you want?
Anthony: I found Johanna! Judge Turpin put her in the asylum!
Sweeney: Well, you'll just have to rescue her then.
Anthony: How do I do that?
Sweeney: Well, you'll have to get into the asylum in disguise.
Anthony: Okay! I have a fake mustache and sunglasses! Will that work?
Sweeney: No. You have to disguise yourself as someone who goes into asylums a lot.
Anthony: A BANANA SALESMAN! Perfect! Thank you so much! That's the best idea ever! (runs out)
Sweeney: I was going to say a wigmaker. But I guess that works too… maybe. Anyway, now I have to write a letter to Judge Turpin telling him Johanna will be here, so he'll come here and then I can kill him!
(The ensemble comes back out. They sing at different times during Sweeney's letter, as if expressing his thoughts.)
Sweeney: Most honorable Judge Turpin…
Ensemble: Dear guy who needs to die…
Sweeney: I venture thus to write you this urgent note to warn you…
Ensemble: That I'm going to kill you…
Sweeney: That the hot blooded young sailor…
Ensemble: Who will really freak you out if he runs off with your daughter…
Sweeney: Has abducted your ward Johanna…
Ensemble: Who everyone loves to sing about for some reason…
Sweeney: From the institution where you…
Ensemble: So evilly…
All: Confined her…
Sweeney: But hoping to earn your favor…
Ensemble: Kill you…
Sweeney: I have persuaded the boy to lodge her here tonight in my tonsorial parlor…
Ensemble: Murder lounge… on Fleet Street…
Sweeney: If you want her again in your arms, hurry…
Ensemble: So I can get this over with and not have to deal with Mrs. Lovett's obsession with me anymore…
Sweeney: She will be waiting…
Ensemble: In the trunk…
Sweeney: Your obedient humble servant…
All: Sweeney Todd.
(Sweeney seals the letter.)
Scene 12: In Which There is Pointless Singing
(Mrs. Lovett is in the parlor singing randomly)
Mrs. Lovett: Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward sighing…
(Toby walks in)
Toby: Mrs. Lovett, where did you learn that song?
Mrs. Lovett: A guy taught it to me.
Toby: Was it Mr. Todd?
Mrs. Lovett: No, it was a different guy. He said what you have to do is listen to the song three times. The first time you just listen to it. The second time you sing it quietly. The third time you sing it loudly.
Toby: Three times? That sounds like something Mr. Todd would say!
Mrs. Lovett: No, that was a different thing. That was the "pound three times" thing.
Toby: What's that for?
Mrs. Lovett: Nothing.
Toby: IS MR. TODD KILLING PEOPLE?
Mrs. Lovett: No! No. …no.
Toby: But Pirelli disappeared in his barber shop! And all those other people went in there and they disappeared too!
Mrs. Lovett: No, they didn't. They just went out a different way.
Toby: Can't we do a happy musical next time?
Mrs. Lovett: If there is a next time, Toby, I'm sure we can.
Toby: Why wouldn't there be if Mr. Todd isn't killing people?
Mrs. Lovett: Uh… wanna see how I make pies?
(Mrs. Lovett and Toby go down to the bakehouse.)
Mrs. Lovett: Here is the meat that I make the pies out of. It is definitely not made from dead bodies, so don't come up with any more conspiracy theories, okay? Now, this is the oven.
Toby: Wow, that's big enough to easily throw someone into!
Mrs. Lovett: It certainly is! Here is the grinder. And just by coincidence, you do this three times too! You put the meat through the grinder three times. If it was made from dead bodies, no one would ever know!
Mrs. Lovett: I'm going to leave you here for a while. Bye!
(Mrs. Lovett goes back to the parlor. The Beadle walks in.)
Beadle: Mrs. Lovett?
Mrs. Lovett: MR. TODD! MR. TODD!
Beadle: Oh, look! A piano! This is a great time for some pointless singing! Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass, turned her eyes heavenward sighing…
(five billion hours later)
Beadle: And that's good, isn't it grand, isn't it great, isn't it swell, isn't it fun, isn't it, nowadays…
(Mrs. Lovett walks back in)
Mrs. Lovett: Um, hi.
Beadle: Mrs. Lovett, I am here to inspect your bakehouse.
Mrs. Lovett: Um… why?
Beadle: Well, it all started when a crazy homeless lady was seen shrieking about doom and fire and all that jazz. Since then other people have noticed weird stuff too. Like an awful smell from your chimney. And people going into your shop and never coming out. And something that looks like a guy killing people in front of a huge ass window.
Mrs. Lovett: Um… POINTLESS SINGING!
Beadle: POINTLESS SINGING! One bell today, in the tower of bray, ding dong… if two bells ring in the tower of bray…
Toby: Ding dong, your true love will say ding dong… wait, that doesn't seem right…
Beadle: Who's that?
Mrs. Lovett: Nobody.
Beadle: POINTLESS SINGING!
Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS SINGING!
(Sweeney walks in)
Sweeney: What's with the pointless singing and… Beadle Bamford!
Sweeney: Well…. I don't really care why you're here but since you're here, how about a shave?
Beadle: DO YOU HAVE SPARKLES?
Sweeney: (refraining from rolling his eyes with difficulty) Yes, I have sparkles.
Beadle: THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BEST IDEA EVER! LET'S GO!
(Sweeney and the Beadle go up to the barber shop.)
Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS SINGING!
(Sweeney Todd kills the Beadle.)
Mrs. Lovett: POINTLESS S—
Sweeney: I killed him. You can stop now.
Mrs. Lovett: You don't like my pointless singing?
Sweeney: No! It's just… it's rather pointless. I have more people to kill.
Mrs. Lovett: True. We'd best get on with it.
(in the bakehouse)
Toby: (eating a pie) Ew! A finger! How did that happen? (shrugs) Whatever. It's a good pie and—(suddenly a dead body appears. It is the Beadle) AAAAAAHHHHH! DEAD BODIES! HELP! LET ME OUT! AAAAAHHHHH!
Mrs. Lovett: Oh dear, he's yelling loud enough to wake the dead down there!
(Suddenly the dead body gets up. He is a zombie.)
Toby: AAAAAHHHHH! A ZOMBIE! AAAAHHHHHH! (runs for his life. Zombie Beadle turns back into a regular dead body again… for now.)
Mrs. Lovett: Must be a full moon out tonight.
Scene 13: In Which There Are Lunatics (nuff said)
(We are now inside Fogg's Asylum. A whole bunch of lunatics are in a big pile around Johanna.)
Lunatics: OCCUPY FLEET STREEEEET…. Hehehe… Sweeeny Sweeney Sweeney… Miss Lucy had some leeches, the leeches liked to suck, and when they drank up all her blood she didn't give a—
Johanna: SWEAR JAR!
Lunatics: SHUT UP!
Random Lunatic 1: I have an invisible dog.
Random Lunatic 2: Oh?
Random Lunatic 1: His name is Nero Alexander. And he's radioactive.
Random Lunatic 3: You named your invisible dog after the guy who fiddled while Rome burned?
Random Lunatic 1: Yeah. Well, he named himself, actually.
Johanna: Oh no! I'm surrounded by lunatics!
Random Lunatic 4: No duh.
(Fogg walks in, accompanied by Anthony)
Fogg: So, why are you here if you don't have any bananas?
Anthony: Well… I was. Um. I was looking for someone with hair the exact color of a banana, since I love bananas so much.
Fogg: Okay then. Well, here's one with hair the approximate color of a banana. And here's one with hair the color of a rotten banana.
Anthony: I don't want to think about a rotten banana! I can't eat a rotten banana! That's just depressing! (sees Johanna) That one has the shade I seek!
Fogg: Really? She's a weirdo. She keeps going on about some guy named Anthony Sunday…
Anthony: I don't care.
Fogg: All right. Now, what do you want me to do? Should I cut her hair off for you so you can keep it?
Johanna: TODAY, THE MINUTES SEEM LIKE-
Anthony: Now is not the time.
Anthony: You'll never keep Johanna prisoner here!
Fogg: You'll have to kill me first!
Anthony: Fine, then, I will—oh crap, this is more complicated than I thought!
Johanna: OMG, ANTHONY, SHUT UP! (grabs Anthony's gun and shoots Fogg. He dies. Anthony runs away carrying Johanna. Somehow, his pants rip.)
Lunatics: FREEEEDOOOOOOMM! City on fire rats in the grass and the lunatics yelling in the streets CITY ON FIRE! CITY ON FIRE! CITY ON FIRE!
(Meanwhile, Nero Alexander is standing on a high platform fiddling away. Don't ask.)
Lunatics: Let's go terrorize the populace! This is so much fun!
(Anthony and Johanna come back. Anthony has decided to just take his pants off since they ripped. No one else is on stage right now for this reason.)
Anthony: Where did you learn to shoot?
Johanna: Well, for fifteen years all I had to do was stare out the window. There were gang fights out there all the time.
(Anthony and Johanna leave, and the lunatics return.)
Lunatics: City on five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes…
(The Wrong Musical Police appear out of nowhere and start chasing the lunatics. Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney enter, searching for Toby.)
Mrs. Lovett: Toby! Where are you?
Mrs. Lovett: It's nothing too sinister!
Sweeney: We just have to make sure you haven't found out the pies are made out of dead bodies!
Mrs. Lovett: And if you did we'll figure out what to do when we get there!
Lunatics: CITY ON FIRE! SCHOOL ON FIRE! AUDITORIUM ON FIRE! EVERYTHING ON FIRE!
(The Beggar Woman wanders into the pie shop.)
Beggar Woman: I see a river, flowing for freedom… Beadle… Beadle… get her… she's making pies out of dead bodies… MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF! I see a river, just in view…
Lunatics: hehehe… IT'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT! YES!
Scene 14: In Which Everyone Dies
(Back in Sweeney's barber shop, Anthony and Johanna have just run in. Johanna is dressed as a man.)
Johanna: So… what do we do now?
Anthony: Well, you're going to wait here and Sweeney Todd is going to help us run away together.
Johanna: Sweeney Todd? As in, the guy we were singing about before? The one who kills people?
Anthony: No, that's stupid. (starts singing) Now it begins, now we start…
Anthony and Johanna: One hand, one heart… even death won't paaaaart…. us… noowwww!
(Anthony leaves. The Beggar Woman wanders in again.)
Beggar Woman: (to the tune of Smooth Criminal) Beadle are you okay? So Beadle are you ok? Are you okay Beadle?
Johanna: OH NO! (gets into a random box that is suspiciously stained with blood)
Beggar Woman: You've been hit by-you've been hit by- (suddenly changes) When darkness surrounds you and you lose your way, you have your own compass that turns night to day… —
(Sweeney bursts in)
Sweeney: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Beggar Woman: Ahhhh… evil is here, sir! From her! She wants you to fall in love with her! But you shouldn't! Follow… into the open air… far from squalor and noise… follow… someone is waiting there…
Sweeney: THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER LOVE IS LUCY! AND SHE IS THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER SING THAT SONG WITH! DIE! (slits Beggar Woman's throat, shoves her in the chair and sends her down. He is still restoring the chair to its usual, non-slide state when Judge Turpin walks in.)
Turpin: Where is Johanna—what are you doing?
Sweeney: Nothing. And she's downstairs.
Turpin: But I was just downstairs, and I didn't see her—
Sweeney: Anyway, how about a shave?
Sweeney: What is it with you guys and sparkles? Only crazy teenage girls like guys who sparkle—wait, never mind.
Turpin: Johanna… Johanna…
Sweeney: Seriously, everyone sings about Johanna.
Turpin: Well, everyone loves to sing about pretty women!
Both: PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN!
Turpin: How seldom it is that one meets a fellow spirit!
Sweeney: Yeah… except there's one important difference.
Sweeney: Well, I've never raped anyone. I ONLY KILL THEM!
Sweeney: YOU RAPED MY WIFE AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Turpin: Benjamin Barker—oh crap!
Sweeney: BENJAMIN BAAAAARKEEEEERRRR! (slits Judge Turpin's throat and sends him down. His pants rip.) Now I've finally killed Judge Turpin… but I still have more people to kill! Like Toby! Who totally knows that the pies are made out of dead bodies! (leaves. Johanna gets out of the box.)
Johanna: Oh no! It is the guy we were singing about before! The one who kills people!
Sweeney: Wait! I can't murder someone without my murder weapon! (returns to find Johanna) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Johanna: Um… I just wanted to get a shave. Because I am a guy.
Sweeney: You're a suspiciously long haired guy then.
Johanna: Oh shit… um… I definitely didn't just see you murder two people! It's all good, don't worry! I'll be going now…
Sweeney: NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST! RAAAHHHHH!
Ensemble: (running onstage) LIFT YOUR RAZOR HIGH, SWEENEY, HEAR IT SINGING YES! AS WE SING WE HEAR ITS RING OF DOOMFULNESS! BECAUSE JUDGE TURPIN'S DEAD! YAY! SWEENEY TODD HAS SERVED HIS PURPOSE IN LIFE AND WE CAN ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
(They leave to reveal a stage littered with dead bodies. Except that one of them is not quite dead. That one is Judge Turpin.)
Mrs. Lovett: DIE, GOD IN HEAVEN, DIE! (sees Beggar Woman) Oh, shit—
Sweeney: What is going on down there?
Mrs. Lovett: Uh… nothing.
Sweeney: Whatever. We have more people to kill—
Mrs. Lovett: We do?
Sweeney: Yes! There's Toby, who totally knows the pies are out of dead bodies, and a suspiciously long haired guy, who totally just saw me murder two people! So let's clear this round of dead bodies out of the way to make room for the next!
Mrs. Lovett: No!
Mrs. Lovett: Um…
Sweeney: Open the oven doors!
Mrs. Lovett: Why are we throwing the bodies straight into the oven? Don't we usually make them into pies first?
Sweeney: Just thinking about a pie made of Judge Turpin makes me want to vomit.
Mrs. Lovett: You have a point there.
Sweeney: And as for this meddling old beggar… (suddenly notices something) OH NO!
Mrs. Lovett: And just when I thought everything was going to be fine.
Sweeney: She sang that song!
Mrs. Lovett: And that was all she ever said! That and that stupid alms remix, and that inappropriate "wouldn't you like a little muff, dear" song. You really wouldn't have had a very good relationship like that.
Sweeney: Why did you lie to me?
Mrs. Lovett: How should I put this… well… I want your love and I want your revenge! I want your love, I don't wanna be friends!
Sweeney: You seriously think quoting Lady Gaga songs at me will fix this?
Mrs. Lovett: I WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!
Sweeney: You know what? Let's dance!
Mrs. Lovett: What?
Sweeney: LET'S DANCE!
Mrs. Lovett: Nothing matters, but knowing nothing matters… it's just life, so keep d—(Sweeney throws her in the oven) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHHHH! Ooh. (is dead)
Sweeney: (goes back to Lucy's dead body and holds her in his arms) We all want a world filled with peace and with joy, with plenty of justice for each girl and boy… yeah. That's what I thought once. I thought I could live happily ever after with Lucy. Then when that didn't work out, I thought killing Judge Turpin would solve all my problems. Then, I thought killing EVERYONE would solve them. But in the end, we're still all dead.
Toby: (appearing) We're not ALL dead yet.
Toby: This is the show where EVERYONE dies.
Toby: RAZOR! RAZOR! CUT CUT CUT CADOOGAN! Watch me grind my corn…
Ensemble: (offstage giggles)
Toby: DIE! (slits Sweeney's throat. Suddenly, Anthony, Johanna and the cops burst in to see Toby surrounded by dead bodies.)
Cop: Seriously? I come out here expecting a hardened criminal and what I get is a twelve-year-old boy? This is a new one.
Anthony: Well… it's a long story…
(The entire cast enters. The dead bodies get up from the floor. They are zombies.)
Zombies: Swing your razor wide, Sweeney! Hold it to the skies! We are in the show where everybody dies…
(Everyone starts singing at different times. Several people get into a singing-high contest. Then:)
Everyone: There! There! There! There! THERE!
Sweeney: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!
Everyone: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!
Sweeney: He killed a lot of people and then he died!
Everyone: The show is over so we can't spoil the plot!
Sweeney: So you really shouldn't kill people, kids—
Mrs. Lovett: But we all want to kill people. Aren't I right?
Sweeney: OCCUPY FLEET STREET!
Everyone: OCCUPY FLEET…
(They run off stage)
Everyone: (offstage, five billion hours later) …STREET!