"Okay, Doctor, we're going to engage in an age old deeply respected Human mourning ritual." Tish declared as she found him glaring at the pool in the library.
"And stop acting like sullen teenagers."
"What's that?" he asked sulkily. Tish sat a large jug of wine onto the table couch next to him along with a bag full of bottles of ginger beer "We're going to drink, tell embarrassing stories about the dead, laugh, talk about their lives and cry or pass out at the end." She said shoving a bottle into his hand.
"You hated the Master." the Doctor said dismissing it.
"Yes, and you hated Lucy." Tish sat down next to him on the couch. "This might get interesting." She said as she opened the jug and poured some into a plastic cup.
He looked at the jug and then at the bottles, "I think we might need more for that." He said shaking his head and took a drink.
"We've got reserves." Tish told him, drinking deeply from the cup.
Four Ginger beers later
"-in my defense the professors never said it was off limits." the Doctor gestured wildly with his hands, "So we turned the front stairs into a giant slide, all ten of us – and got our mattresses from the dorms. I've never laughed so hard in my life as when I saw that look on Ushas's face as she bowled straight into the headteacher." the Doctor turned red, holding his sides as he laughed.
Tish shook her head and giggled, "You were a horrible child.
"Oh, I really was!" -
Six Ginger beers later -
"Then my boy, he's THREE years old, barely old enough to be considered a Time TOT and not an infant, starts playing with his little science kit that his Goddad got him." the Doctor gestured with his hands to indicate the size. "Which wouldn't be horrid if he didn't have his mothers scientific curiosity and genius, my control skills and a large lack of foresight – we're not sure where that trait comes from." he brushed it off even as Tish giggled. "Next thing I know Koschei and I are running as fast as we can to shut down the black hole he created, fix the citadel and keep my wife from finding out what her son nearly did."
"I was never trusted to watch him alone ever again and the Council threatened to take away my looming rights! It was horrendous." the Doctor said, but he was laughing hard enough it took away any sting the intended story might have had.
The Doctor gestured with his hands trying to get Tish to understand the full magnitude of his story. "Then he says 'you will obey!' and Jo kicked him in the shin!" he howled with laughter. "It's hard to look serious when you're whining about humans."
"I believe it." Tish giggled, "She was feisty!"
"You've met?" the Doctor asked, taking a swig of his ginger beer.
"Met them all." Tish replied, refilling her cup. "Well, a large portion of them."
"I took care of the prisoners." Tish drank from the cup. She was starting to feel slightly floaty and a bit maudlin, but that was the point of this.
"Yes, Jack." the Doctor nodded.
"Jack wasn't the only prisoner we ever had." Tish told him.
The Doctor's eyes went wide, something that was almost comical when paired with the slightly buzzed look he held overall, "No..."
"I wanted to help, I really did." Tish said, knees curled up to her chest, "but best I could do was just hold his hand as we walked to the room you two were in." Tish took a drink and shook her head, "I offered to try and help him run but he chuckled -Seriously, he CHUCKLED at me – and stated that I needed to 'let things run their course' because you were on the case and that 'the men will handle it, there's no reason to let the women get their hand's dirty'." Tish scowled at the Doctor who was no longer breathing in his laughter. "I would have punched him if he weren't so adorable and old! What type of man acts like that. I'm shocked he didn't tell me to get in the kitchen."
"He would of," the Doctor gasped for air, "But none of the women he knows can cook, just the men!"
"-And poor Fred, she's trying to give a presidential address but I'm sulking. I've got Leela off to the side and well, I WAS BORED!" he tried to reason and get Tish to believe his side, "And the sonic was new and Leela didn't stop me so it was partially HER fault and really I didn't know that setting would screech like a banshee and knock half the hall unconscious!"
"Oh, God, what'd you do?"
"What does any man do in that situation?" he replied, drinking deeply, "I blamed it on Leela and ran like hell!" M
Tish was sobbing in the Doctor's arms "He...he looked so scared, laying there, the Master was just laughing and kept probing his mind. He was just a kid." she sobbed, "I ran into him, rugby tackled the Master aside and I...I was holding him trying to keep him safe, and I thought...I thought he was going to kill me, but then..." she sobbed into the Doctor's chest as he held her. "He...he had his sonic pointed towards us, and the kid was screaming. Lu...Lucy saved us."
"She knocked him out," Tish laughed shakily, "With a lamp after I screamed. We both regretted it later but he...he died in a temporary peace."
Tish laughed as she took poured another drink, emptying the jug. "There were these two ladies, they looked Mum's age, or at least one did. He was chasing them around for ages, they were always sending him videos, pulling faces and calling him names. He always screamed when he saw them. They were only two people I saw who I didn't see die."
The Doctor laughed mirthlessly, "Nyssa... Nyssa and Tegan, They saved the kids, escaped off planet."
"Yeah. We saw them in Australia." Tish nodded, "Weirdest moments ever."
Tish and the Doctor giggled. "I...I can flip people off in 30 languages. The...The Brig taught me." the Doctor slurred, "See?" he said clumsily modeling the motions. "Yeah...Yeah that old guy did that, M.. Martha's boss, he" Tish smothered a giggle, "he did that to the Master."
"That'd be him!" the Doctor giggled, "He's brilliant!"
"I didn't really mean it, just...I...wanted to make it go away. I...I was so angry and they...they didn't help. Those overprotective jerks. Did...Did you know they they "cleaned" my house, took everything, everything Leo...Leo the jerk he took my floss! I had to eat with a baby spork for near a month!"
The Doctor winced but didn't comment. "I got so angry that I...I screamed at her, couldn't take it anymore, I called her everything I could, told her I hated them all and told her to get out. Didn't speak to her for months. N...Not to any of them, it was their fault, they didn't do anything!"
"You hated them?"
"I hated everyone." Tish elaborated, "I hated mum for ratting us out to a man she didn't know, I hated Martha for forcing him to open that stupid watch and for running away with you in the first place, I hated Jack for not stopping it and most of all I hated you for allowing it to happen. The anger went up exponentially when you forced Lucy into prison without a trial and tried to let that...man live." Tish nursed her drink and avoided his gaze.
"That me...I did a lot of bad things to good people." the Doctor sighed, his eyes slightly unfocused, "Lucy, Adelaide, Harriet, Donna...Do...do you still hate me?"
"Not anymore." Tish told him honestly.
"Then-then Zoe and I find the source of these very unmanly shrieks; Jamie had gotten himself trapped by his ankles in one of those tree traps!" the Doctor said, turning red as he laughed, "Which is bad enough but he's hanging there, upside down in a kilt!"
"Oh, God." Tish laughed, holding one hand across her stomach to keep from falling.
"He's shrieking and trying to both get down and preserve his modesty with his kilt and it's not working. We had to cut him down!" the Doctor laughed and went to put his hand down again but missed the table, sending himself tumbling off his chair and into the pool.
"Oh good lord." Jack groaned, watching as the Doctor floated drunkenly and still fully clothed in the centre of the pool, arms out to his sides and his ears just underwater. "Rory, do you want to get Tish to her room or-"
"Could you?" Rory said quickly. "I mean, we're dating but...modesty? I don't want her getting mad at me." Rory admitted.
"Fine, but you have to deal with him." Jack indicated the giggly Time Lord even as he walked over to Tish. "Miss. Jones, you're drunk."
"Yes. Yes I am." Tish nodded then stopped and blinked, trying to clear away the dizziness. "Your point?"
"C'mon." Jack hauled her up and to her feet, supporting her, "Let's go get you to bed."
"Won't Sarah Jane be mad?" Tish giggled and Jack rolled his eyes.
"Oh, how my life is over." Jack said monotonously, "I will never flirt again. Don't worry, I'm obviously too scared of my girlfriend and your boyfriend to try anything, can't you tell?"
"Where's the Doctor?" Jack asked, relaxing back on Tish's couch. He'd gotten her changed into pyjamas and tucked in without much complaint on her part. He'd learned over the years that taking care of drunk people was not unlike taking care of a two year old and always tended to act accourdingly.
"Last I saw he was trying to ride Arthur backwards through the gardens while complaining about the lack of cool hats in his area." Rory said, sitting down next to Jack. "Tish?"
"In bed, sleeping sound. She's going to be hungover tomorrow." Jack grinned.
"You're going to be mean, aren't you?"
There was a loud knock at the door and Jack climbed to his feet, looking quizzically at Rory and then moving towards the door.
"Oh, yeah, he may have been on the phone as well." Rory called after Jack.
Jack returned moments later with two large boxes from a pizza place and an annoyed look on his face. "That man owes me."
"He can pay us in Pizza, what's he got?" Rory sat forward on the couch.
"Mushroom and bacon and...I think that's pineapple and peppers." Jack made a face and stole a slice of the first one. "Can't fault his logic but can complain about his taste buds."
"Hey!" the Doctor whined, coming into the living room looking a little worse for wear, covered in gras stains with a daisy stuck in his hair. "That's mine!"
"I paid for it." Jack said, mouth full, "That makes it part mine."
"You know, Jack, I can see why Sarah likes you." the Doctor said, making his way to the coffee table where he stole the entire box of the pineapple pizza and plopped down in the recliner. "You're-"
"Don't finish that." Rory pleaded, grabbing a slice of pizza, "I don't want to be sick."
"Cute." the Doctor finished, sticking his tongue out at Rory.
"No more ginger beer for you." Rory said warningly even as Jack laughed.
[AN: Wow, so finally the one-shot of the Christmas Drunk fest. My partner said this is what I had to post to night in honour of my 21st birthday. It's short, it's weird, it's...Us. Hope you liked it.]