Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. The Mobile Suit known as Gundam belongs to those people, Celestial Being.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino
Not a Zaku Surprise

Ramba, Ramba, Ramba, Ramba, Ramba!

…It's a Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei reference.

[5.]

Flying over the Rocky Mountains, escorted by a veritable armada of Fly Arrow fighters refueled by Deep Rog Bombers, a Federation force of Medea Transports braved the depths of Zeon's North American territory en route to where they hoped to find the White Base. In the cockpit of the lead Medea, Matilda Ajan was solving a crossword puzzle as her co-pilot took the controls.

"Twelve letter word for 'throw out a window'?" She asked.

"Defenestrate," her co-pilot replied.

"Good job." Matilda scanned her crossword. "Eleven letter word for pity."

"Commiserate."

"Huh, that's right." She checked her next clue. "Five letter word, slang, for 'Kinky mistress."

"Domme."

Matilda nodded. "Five letter word for 'To compress with great force'?"

"Crush."

"Right again." Matilda read the next clue. "Seven-letter word for 'Control Center'."

"Cockpit, duh." The co-pilot replied.

Matilda felt an odd shiver run down her back, and then tossed the book aside. "Well, that's done. We've been in Zeon airspace all night, I'm amazed those Arrow pilots are still conscious."

She stood up from her seat and looked out the window as the first rays of the morning sun began to peak out over the mountain tops. The light stretched across the Earth, highlighting the jagged mountains as they glowed purple, white and green, a mix of light and shadow as the elevation changed rapidly. It really was a breathtakingly gorgeous sight to behold.

But the smoldering wreckage of numerous Zeon weapons kind of ruined the splendor.

"Huh, that's a new but not unwelcome sight," Matilda said.

The trail went over several mountains, and comprised of four Gaws and as many Dopps that could be carried by them. The Medea squadron flew along the trail, and found another two destroyed Gaws, and their complements of Dopps and Zakus strewn over the mountainside.

"The hell did this?" The Medea's copilot asked.

Coming to another mountain, they found another wreck, of two more Gaws, but the wreckage appeared to have been arranged afterward, spelling out a message.

EAT ALL THE DICKS, ZEON

They even used a heavily stripped down Zaku to form that colon. Matilda was impressed. "White Base is a hell of a ship."

It took a little while more for them to actually find the ship itself, parked openly on what the maps showed to be Utah's Bonneville Salt Flats. Matilda couldn't have asked for a better landing site. As the Fly Arrows and their Deep Rog tankers quickly established top-cover, the Medea transports touched down and rolled up to the White Base, where the Gundam and the Guncannon were painting tally marks on the port-side catapult in bright red paint.

"The Medea Supply Corps are here," A sleepy Mirai called from the bridge. "Thank God."

"Hey, do Dopps count the same as Gaws and Zakus?" Kai asked over the radio.

"A kill's a kill," Bright replied as he got up. "Mirai, go get some sleep, I'm going to go greet our suppliers." Mirai got up, and staggered sleepily directly for Bright's quarters, which were adjacent to the bridge. "Mirai, those are my–."

"Don't care," Mirai said as she opened the door and stumbled in.

Bright didn't complain, it wasn't every day he had a hot Asian woman passed out in his bed.

By the time Bright made it outside with Lieutenant Reed, the first Medea had already opened its doors, container's doors and set up a conveyor belt leading into the White Base. Amuro and Kai had taken a break from painting grotesque tally marks on the side of the ship to watch the unloading.

"I'm impressed the Medea Supply Corps would fly this far into enemy territory," Bright admitted.

Lieutenant Reed looked up at the nose of the school-bus yellow Medea, and he blanched when he saw the nose-art: A Federation-themed dominatrix sitting atop the back of a Zeon-themed submissive. "Oh dear God, it's her."

"It's who?" Bright asked before he looked from the Medea's nose-art to its pilot, who had walked up to the two.

"It's-a me, Matilda," Matilda Ajan said cheerfully before properly introducing herself. "I'm Lieutenant Matilda Ajan of the Medea Supply Corps. General Revil sent me here personally because he figured that a boatload of lewd, degenerate psychopaths need a lewd, degenerate psychopath to keep them supplied."

Bright stared at Matilda, and found himself aroused and disturbed at the same time. Behind him, Amuro and Kai stared at this new, insanely hot woman.

"Damn, it must suck that you'll never get a chance to hit that, being all tied down and all," Kai taunted.

"Hey, don't knock it until you try it," Amuro snapped back.

Kai scoffed at that. "Pfft, I'm sure you're singing all the praises in the world about monogamy now."

Amuro raised an eyebrow. "Huh? I was talking about being tied down. Sayla knows how do it just tight enough that it hurts but not enough that it–." Kai punched him in the jaw.

As the two got to exchanging blows, Matilda looked at her tablet and read off the list. "Anyway, because we left with the recommended stores, we have food, spare parts for the Gundam, Guncannon, Guntank, Gunperry, and the Core Fighters, additional weapons for the aforementioned suits and support craft, uniforms, cigars, and a case of Wild Turkey."

"Wild Turkey?" Bright asked.

"The General had the foresight to send you a much needed drink considering the orders I'm about to give you."

"I'm going to get screwed, aren't I?"

"It's not as bad as you think, Ensign." Matilda ran her fingers across the tablet, switching screens. "The Trojan Horse is to embark on a full blown guerrilla campaign against Zeon forces, with the explicit intention of wreaking as much havoc as humanly possible. Political figures, soldiers, supply lines, bases, even fleets are open season; you will be supported to the fullest and given special powers to utilize any Federation assets in your immediate vicinity to ensure the completion of your operations."

Bright blinked. "Wait, that's not that bad at all. Actually, that's pretty amazing." It then hit him. "Wait, waging a war in Zeon territory with permission to use any Federation assets in the area?"

"Yes."

"Federation assets."

"Yep."

"In Zeon territory."

"That's right."

"Where there would be none of the former to begin with."

"You catch on quick."

Bright sighed. "I see why he gave me the Wild Turkey."

"He also gave you an in-field promotion. Given the report from Luna II makes frequent mention of your issues with authority, we're going to give you a rank that better fits your position… Captain."

Bright did a double take. "Wait, I'm a Captain now?"

"White Base is your ship, The Trojan Horse is your special little group. You need the authority to lead it, and what better than a Captain?" Matilda replied.

Bright wanted to squeal and dance around like a little girl, but in the presence of such a lovely woman, he refrained for the sake of preserving any possible chance he had.

"You don't have a chance with me," Matilda said.

Bright nodded. "Then allow me to squeal and dance around like a little girl, Lieutenant Ajan."

Matilda smiled. "Whatever gets you off, Captain."

And so Bright Noa danced around like a little girl, with high pitched squeals and a magical pony doll materializing in his hands that he held up like a false idol to the masculinity gods who could only gnash their teeth in manly, impotent rage.

"That's embarrassing," Kai said.

"Bitch, he's a Captain, also…" Amuro punched Kai in the head, dragged him down and continued punching him.

Lieutenant Reed looked back and noticed the boys fighting. "Ah, God damn it, those two are fighting again."

"Just make sure they don't break anything expensive and they'll work it out of their systems," Bright said. "Besides, the female crew need some entertainment."

Matilda was in full agreement, she was all for strapping young lads punching each other stupid for her personal pleasure. If only someone would provide some mud or oil…

"Amuro!" Sayla grabbed Amuro and hauled him from Kai, as Ryu grabbed up Kai and held him back. "Could you and Kai not fight every five minutes?"

That caught Matilda's attention, and she excused herself to walk over to the group. "So, this is the mythical son of Tem Ray."

Amuro relented from glaring at Kai, and relaxed into Sayla's arms. "Mythical? That's a new one. It's nice to meet you in person, Miss Matilda."

"Likewise." Matilda looked to her tablet for reference, and then back up to Amuro with a saucy smile. "Your father anticipated this, you know, so he left us with very clear instructions and terms in the event that you wound up piloting the Gundam."

Amuro sighed. "I'd like it if I could be surprised by that bastard…"

"If you only knew." Matilda read the instructions, "Like him, you are to be treated as a licensed contractor paid via the Federation Black Budget, and you are to receive his monthly rate of pay."

"And that would be?" Amuro asked.

"The Gross Domestic Product of Belize," Matilda replied.

Ryu dropped Kai, Kai just crumpled to the floor in a heap of disbelief, and Sayla was screaming "I'M SET FOR LIFE" in her own mind. Frau, who had recently arrived, felt her jaw drop to the deck as she stared at her neighbor/love interest in amazement.

Amuro… shrugged his shoulders.

"Is that before or after taxes?"

"It's tax free."

Kai jumped up onto his feet, pointing at Amuro. "W-w-what the fuck? How the fuck does that work! Why are they paying him that much!"

"They were his father's instructions," Matilda replied.

"Why were they paying his old man that much!" Kai screamed at her.

"You know how Doctor Doom has his own country and managed to conquer the world himself with super science and magic and shit?" Asked Ryu.

"No, comics are for nerds and girls," Kai sniffed.

Matilda elaborated further, "We pay Tem Ray not to do all of that."

Sayla looked down at Amuro. "I'm a little scared now."

Frau was a little intrigued.

Amuro looked back up at her and shrugged his shoulders. "Don't worry about it." He returned his gaze to Matilda. "So, what else do I get?"

Matilda looked back to her list. "Let's see! You were to be supplied with your favorite food, pulled pork barbecue meat sandwiches with "Super Napalm" brand barbecue sauce, that's been ear-marked in the list of supplies, equipment to upgrade and enhance Haro's AI…"

"Your dad is made of convenient things," Frau said, clasping her hands together and edging up to Amuro's other side. She really wasn't a gold digger, but it wasBelize…

"…An Anaheim Antares Sportbike, a Browning Hi-Power pistol with ammunition, the schematic for the Moonlight Butterfly system–whatever that is, your own theme song as sung by Andrew W.K., and a virgin every month."

"Wait, a what every month?" Sayla asked.

"It's what the list says," Matilda said.

Sayla hugged Amuro possessively. "We don't need that last one."

"I could probably do without the theme song, too." Amuro liked Andrew W.K., but only when he sung about parties.

"Well, it's what the list says, and General Revil is very precise about catering to the Ray family's needs. Before I deployed, he even told me 'If he'd prefer it, give the lad a good roll in the hay Lieutenant, he's doing a lot of good for this Army and we should be courteous in compensating him'. "

Amuro couldn't help but smile, the Vist family didn't have shit on him.

Kai promptly lost his shit. "WHAT?"

Ryu slapped a hand over his mouth, leaving Kai to rave in a muffled voice at the absurdity of all of this. Sayla narrowed her eyes at Matilda, as the older woman gave Amuro a teasing smile. "To be perfectly honest, seeing the man himself in person, I wouldn't be adverse to it."

"There's no need, that's all taken care of!" Sayla cheerfully, threateningly said as she held Amuro tighter.

"Sayla, it's getting hard to breathe." Amuro gave this some thought and decided he liked it. "A little tighter, please."

Matilda smiled at Sayla. "It sure looks like it is. You continue to take good care of him, and if you need a hand don't be afraid to call." She winked to her and then went back to talk to Bright and Reed.

Sayla blinked a few times, and then looked down at Amuro. "Do you have some kind of animal magnetism?"

"I don't know, most of the time animals usually ran away from me, or attacked. It's partly why I made Haro," Amuro replied. "But if you mean are women just naturally attracted to me, yeah it happens more often than not."

"If this is going to work out, we have to work on that," Sayla warned him.

Amuro pouted. "Next you're going to tell me I can't play with fire."

Reed quickly stepped up to Matilda as she approached him and Bright. "Leiutenant Ajan, is there a chance that I can return to Jaburo with you? I don't want to catch whatever the rest of this crew has."

"Of course, but you'll have to ride in the back." Matilda looked to Bright. "When you head out, I suggest you make for Washington and head west from there. With Zeon shitting itself collectively, the General wants to move forward with Operation Odessa and needs suitable force to hit the Zeon from the back while he shoves his Big Tray down their throat."

"Lieutenant Ajan, that's disgusting," Reed growled with a grimace.

"Do Zeon up the poop-chute, got it." Bright saluted Matilda. "You can count on me."

Reed let out a groan of frustration. The sooner he was off this damn ship the better!


California Base was a misnomer, as it was actually a network of over twenty bases located up and down the Californian coast where the Federation constructed most of its weapons, mainly naval assets. When the Zeon showed up, the base actually held its ground quite well, until the Midnight Fenrir Corps and the tactical genius of Garma Zabi literally pulled the complex from under the Federation's feet. Since then, the Zeon have used it not only to build submarines but to serve as a proving ground for some of its newer weapons, such as the shiny new MS-06K Zaku cannons standing around outside the main base complex's hospital.

Inside the hospital, a still masked Char Aznavel sat in a hospital bed, not connected to any IVs or life support, but still looking like he'd had a major psychological breakdown. Ensign Dren, who had miraculously survived the destruction of Garma's personal Gaw unhurt, stood aside with the Lieutenant Commanders Ral and Schmitzer.

"The Doctors say the Lieutenant should've died of exposure walking down the mountain after swimming out of that reservoir, but pure rage kept his body temperature up until he reached the cabin. He's perfectly healthy," Dren said.

"There's nothing healthy about Char's condition," Ramba said. Indeed, Char was sitting upright, staring off into infinity, his mind consumed with thoughts of murder, revenge, and sodomy…with none of it directed towards the Zabi family for once.

Schmitzer shook his head. "It's safe to say that Char's a done deal for now. If not mentally, then after Dozle gets his hands on him for failing to rescue Garma."

"Do we have an update on that?" Ramba asked.

"Yes, The Trojan Horse released another video this morning." Schmitzer sighed. "It showed Garma singing Lady Gaga's Bad Romance at gunpoint."

Ramba winced. War in the information age was rough for more reasons than one. Becoming a meme on YouTube wasn't good for anyone's ego.

"Still, could be worse," Ramba said. "Could've been a Chris Brown song."

"Quite." Schmitzer turned and looked towards the door. "Ramba, be level with me. How screwed are we going into this?"

Ramba sighed and looked at the bulkhead for a moment. He returned his gaze to Char and spoke in a detached, professional manner.

"Well…you do recall what happened to the Trojans, right?" Ramba asked, eyes fixed on the form of their formerly undefeated ace subordinate.

"Their city wiped out, their soldiers killed their, populace enslaved, and their women plundered."

"Ah, the benefits of a classical education," Ramba said with black humor. "I'm not saying that's how it's going to go down. Victories are just victories, what counts is who makes the big wins." He sighed. "But there are several components to victory, and morale is one of them. Zeon's had the high ground from the start in this war–we've defeated the Federation in nearly every engagement, and we gained an aura of invincibility. It demoralized our enemies and strengthened us." He looked out past Char to the grounds of the base beyond, to the sea in the distance.

"That's gone, and even if we destroy the Trojan Horse, the Federation gets a martyr and symbol to rally around. Our 'Happy Days' are over. Now…" And Ramba's eyes narrowed. "Now begins the realwar."

Schmitzer let out a sigh. "Well, let's rally up the wolves and go out for a hunt. If there's a war to be fought, we won't do it standing around here."

The two headed outside, where Crowley Hamon and Ensign Hepner were waiting. The former had a communique. "Dear," she said to Ramba, "We have a report that the Trojan Horse was resupplied and is on the move again."

"Track its course, and make a list of any targets in that direction," Ramba said. He frowned. "We'll also need everything we can get on its crew and commander."

"Ahead of you on all counts, Lieutenant Commander Ral!" Ensign Hepner said as she held up her tablet. "The Trojan Horse's course is set to send it towards Washington State, we have a POW camp in the vicinity of Spokane."

"And what can you tell us about the crew?" Ramba asked.

"The crew is made up almost entirely of civilians from Side Seven, with the highest known surviving ranked officer being Ensign Bright Noa."

"And what have we got on him?"

"Well, his Facebook says that he graduated bottom of his class from the Federation Naval Academy, and looking into the records there we found it was not because of academic shortcomings but because of a clear contempt for the faculty and his superior officers. It would appear that he was favored by a Captain Paolo Cassius, an instructor at the academy, which was the only reason he was not thrown out on his ass."

Schmitzer hummed. "So, a stubborn little goat. Any other crew members?"

"Just a lot of nobodies, though the daughter of the late Shu Yashima may be aboard the ship, she's one of the many civilians MIA from Side Seven after the incident, as well as the daughter of the late Don Teabolo."

Ramba and Schmitzer both froze at that, for similar reasons. Crowley also looked uncomfortable, which just confused Ensign Hepner. Rather than ask, she continued looking at her list. "Our spies at Jaburo have also reason to believe that the pilot of the White Mobile Suit, the Gundam, may be the son of Tem Ray, the Gundam's creator"

The two Lieutenant Commanders stared at the Ensign in mild disbelief. Ramba spoke, "That's impossible. There's no way Tem Ray could have a son."

"What? Why not?" And why were her superiors acting so strangely about this?

"Because of the Federation Criminal Court-ordered vasectomy given to him back in '61. As well as the law forbidding him from taking in any children as 'disciples, apprentices, test subjects, and/or heirs'."

Schmitzer rubbed his rugged chin. "The more we learn about The Trojan Horse, the less we want to know, it seems. Hepner, gather up the pilots, we're going to deploy to Spokane and hope the Trojan Horse decides to come after the POW camp. We've got new Zakus, plus these Cannon Units."

Ensign Hepner saluted. "I'll get right to the planning phase now!"

Back in the infirmary, Char just continued to stare.

[Eye Catch]

Low and slow, the White Base exited Idaho and crossed the border into Washington, staying low to the ground and utilizing only the Minovsky Craft system to fly silently and slowly through heavily controlled Zeon airspace. As a benefit of these conditions, the crew were free to head out onto the ship's weather deck, located at the bow of the centerline hull. It was here, that Kai was still bitching about Amuro.

"In what world does any of that make sense?" He demanded to Frau, who was watching Katz, Letz, and Kikka as they played on the weather deck.

"I guess when you've got a mad scientist to keep in check, it helps to cut him a check," Frau said.

"The Gross Domestic Product of fucking Belize, Frau! Belize! Do you know how much that is?"

"Four point eight billion dollars yearly!" Kikka shouted.

"And they pay him that per month!" Kai did a double take and stared at Kikka, who with Letz was holding onto Katz as he declared his sovereignty over the planet Earth at the center of the weather deck.

"This is also a guy who can build a mobile suit that can outpace a battleship in acceleration and who knows how many other inventions?" Frau asked.

"What is he even going to do with that kind of money?"

"I'd blow it on blackjack and hookers," Katz said.

Kai looked at Katz, and then at Frau. "What in God's name have you been teaching these kids?"

"He didn't get it from me!" Frau said defensively.

"Icelina showed us Futurama on Netflix; Bender is funny," Letz said.

"And now I have anotherreason to hurt her," Frau grunted.

"Do you have a problem with Futurama?" Icelina asked as she walked out onto the deck.

"Oh great, it's the other Princess. What, that makes three now on this ship?" Kai grumbled.

"It's just not the kind of thing to show to kids at this age! they don't need to be assholes until they're teenagers!" Frau protested. She covered her mouth. "Um…"

"You were giving them extra ice cream for shooting the parachutes!" Icelina pointed out.

"That's different! Having a thirst for revenge at a young age is perfectly healthy!"

"Could the two of you can it before you start pulling hair and spitting in each other's mouths?" At Frau and Icelina's disgusted looks, Kai leaned against the railing and stared out over the rolling hills ahead. "Doesn't anybody find Amuro or anything about him weird? Frightening? Sinister?"

"Of course not!" Frau said earnestly.

Kai stared at Frau, he stared at her pointedly and with all of his 'Are you fucking kidding me' might. She looked to the side, and her hands clenched together.

"…Well… not in person," Frau amended. "I mean, in the Gundam, sure he's scary…" She scowled at Kai. "But what does that have to do with anything? Anyone would be scary in that thing! Having to do what he does!"

"He doesn't seem that bad to me either, I think he's a pretty cool guy," Icelina said. "Garma admires him too."

"He lets us play with Haro!" Kikka said as she held up the aforementioned robot.

"Amuro taught me how to play Battlefield of Duty, and gave me points to get DLC!" Letz added.

Katz had his own testimonial. "He showed me how to play the Song of Storms on electric guitar, and then dubstep it!"

"Drop the bass! Drop the bass!" Haro chirped.

Kai grumbled. "Can I at least have some agreement that the kid is unhinged?"

Frau's fingers clenched around the railing, and she worried her lip. She looked over at Kai, her eyes steeled and narrowed.

"Maybe a little… but I'm not going to treat him like a pariah. After all, without him we'd be dead. I think that guarantees him a little slack at least!"

"That's all I want, just a little acknowledgement that he's fucked in his head," Kai grumbled. He didn't think planting the seeds of doubt and suspicion would be so tough, but given everyone else on this ship was insane he lambasted himself for suggesting otherwise.

"Look, look! I see buildings!" Katz then shouted.

Icelina frowned. "Buildings? We might be seen, shouldn't we change direction?"

Frau looked out over the approaching skyline, and her eyes widened in disbelief and shock. "Oh no… what happened?"

Kai stared. "Well, we won't have to worry about being seen at least."

In front of them were the gutted, burnt out ruins of Spokane, Washington. It had begun as a fur trading post in the early 1800s, and grown into a hub of mining, logging and agriculture. Towards the end of the 20th century these industries had declined, but the town had reinvted itself with the nascent green technology movement and attracted great investments in the arts and local sciences. By the Universal Century it had blossomed into a center of manufacturing computer components hardened for use in space, which were transported to local spaceports via rail. It had, however, retained the last vestiges of the Northwestern computer guru culture by being host to a plethora of nerdy hipsters making up the nightclub scene and snooty post-post-postmodernist performance artists.

So in hindsight, its destruction may have been inevitable even without the logistical importance of the city, if not past due.

It was now home to a different sort of crime against humanity: A Zeon prisoner of war camp.

"Though for the life of me I'm not sure where it's supposed to be." Bright was looking at the map Garma had drawn up for him, as the ship began its passage over the ruins. Garma himself was a bit confused.

"I don't remember there being a military operation here. Yes, we established a camp outside the city's limits, but there was absolutely nothing of military value out here to warrant this."

"Maybe it was destroyed during the colony drop?" One of the chair guys suggested.

Bright shook his head. "No, all that debris fell south of here."

Mirai sighed. "Guys, it's been like this since before the war."

Bright and Garma stared at Mirai, who rolled her eyes. "Don't you read the news? Two years ago? Half of Spokane burned to the ground in a wholly misguided attempt at eradicating an out of control raccoon population."

"Huh, I would've heard about that," Bright said.

Garma was confused. "What's a raccoon?"

"Apparently something you'd burn down an entire city to get rid of," The other chair guy said

Oh yeah, colonists, Bright had to remember the folks he was working with. "We're going to hide White Base in the city, and perform a daring raid on the POW camp. From there, we can ferry the prisoners to neutral Canada."

Garma looked around the group. "It'd work to our advantage if we had someone who knew the area."

Sayla, sitting at her station, swiveled around in her chair. "Amuro's from here, you know."

Silence fell on the bridge, for all of a second, before Bright spoke, "Ah, suddenly this city burning to the ground in a misadventure involving raccoons makes sense."


Sporting new plates and a white paint-job, Amuro's ill-gotten Anaheim Buffalo, the Dodge Charger of the Universal Century, made its way down the empty streets of Spokane. Amuro was in the driver's seat, with Sayla riding shotgun, and in the back seat were Ryu and Frau. Everyone was out of uniform, dressed as casual as possible–though Frau complained that Amuro going shirtless was a bit too casual. Sayla had no complaints.

"So, you set the city on fire to kill raccoons," Frau said as they drove towards the less burned down part of the city.

"In my defense, my father was contracted to do the job, but because he was busy on Project V at the time he subcontracted it to me. When I asked him how I could possibly get rid of over four hundred thousand raccoons he said 'Fire always works', so I used fire."

"A lot of fire, man," Ryu said as he beheld a gutted strip mall.

Amuro shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's not my fault that the wind picked up and turned it into a far-reaching firestorm that consumed all in its path. It sure was pretty, though."

"It's a miracle nobody died," Frau muttered.

"Why hasn't anyone tried to rebuild?" Sayla asked Amuro before Amuro slammed on the brakes. Everyone looked ahead, to see a thousand-pound grizzly bear crossing the street in front of them.

Frau gulped. "Is that a bear?"

"Small one by Spokane standards," Amuro replied. When everyone stared at him, he explained, "After the fires went out the smell of dead, charred raccoons attracted dozens of Grizzly Bears, and they've been here ever since."

Frau watched the bear as they drove on past it, her face pale. "This town is full of giant unstoppable Godless killing machines."

Amuro nodded. "Just don't look tasty to them and you'll be fine."

"I bet I could kill one with my bare hands," Ryu said. He totally could.

Amuro laughed. "You totally could." See? "Anyway, let's head over to my house, if we're lucky someone from my neighborhood might know where the camp is."

It didn't take them long to leave the ruins of Spokane to the actually habitable part of it. Aside from the Zeon flags hanging from every street light down the main strip of the city, it looked exactly like Amuro left it. However, after only five minutes of traveling down the main road, they found an unmistakable Federation presence. Federation MPs, Federation Flags, even a spray-painted symbol of the Trojan Horse on a brick wall.

Amuro was as puzzled as his passengers. "Well, this is weird."

"Maybe it's an East and West Berlin kind of thing?" Frau immediately proposed. "Spokane is really close to neutral territory, so maybe the Zeon are letting the Federation manage the north side of it?"

"It could be that, but it's still strange." Amuro pulled around a corner and drove into a cul de sac, where several suburban style houses were nicely arranged with well kept lawns and white picket fences on some of them. One house in particular stood out, the grass was overgrown with beer bottles littered around it, a dog house near the front door was smashed to pieces, and the once healthy tree that stood on it was dead and withered. This upset Amuro some.

"What the hell happened to my house?" He asked as he turned off the car and stepped out.

Sayla emerged next, and joined him. "Maybe your mother moved?"

"No way, Mom loved this house. It goes back like six generations."

Ryu and Frau climbed out of the car next, as a commotion went up across the street. A lemonade stand across the street run by a pair of adorable children was in the process of being knocked over by a pair of armed Federation soldiers, MPs given their arm bands. The little boy was standing up to the men, while the little girl bawled her eyes out as the glass pitcher her mother entrusted them with broke on the ground.

"You big bullies! We were just trying to sell some lemonade!" The boy yelled at the soldiers.

"And it tasted like shit!" One of the soldiers, a skinny, greasy looking fellow, said as he splashed the boy in the face with the lemonade in his glass.

"Hey!" The boy squawked helplessly.

The other soldier, a stout, slovenly fat man, held up one of the glasses that was also being used. "This is against Federation regulations, you should have plastic cups, not these glass ones!" He threw it on the ground at the crying girl's feet, causing her to cry even louder.

"Those bullies!" Frau growled.

Ryu was already rolling up his sleeves. "You man, that shit ain't cool!"

"Amuro!" Sayla shouted, because he was already running straight for the soldiers. Reaching the tall one, Amuro grabbed him by the back of the head and leaped past him, performing a textbook Running Bulldog that drove the skinny bastard face first into the mess of ice, glass, and sweetened lemon juice that he'd just created on the pavement.

The fat soldier jumped back as Amuro got up, and quickly fumbled for his rifle. "You little son of a bitch!"

Ryu then tapped on his shoulder, and when the fat bastard turned to look, he met the humongous Hispanic's hefty fist face first. He dropped like a sack of bricks, as the crying girl quickly broke into a cheer.

Sayla checked her watch as she and Frau walked over. "Not even five minutes and we've already caused a scene. That's a record."

Amuro nudged the soldier with his foot, and shook his head, as the dark-haired mother of the two children ran outside in a clear panic. "Oh my God, what have you done?" She stopped when she saw Amuro, and her eyes widened. "Oh my goodness, A-Amuro? Amuro!"

Amuro looked over and waved. "Hi Ms. Baker, I'm back!" The mother of the two children quickly ran up to Amuro and hugged him, pulling his face into her ample bosom. "Mmph."

"Amuro! Amuro~! Sweetie, you're home and you're all in one piece!" The woman cheered happily as she continued to hug him to the point that he was likely going to asphyxiate. Sayla narrowed her eyes and let out an annoyed hum at the over the top display of affection.

"That's a really warm welcome for someone who destroyed a city," Frau said.

"Even the MILFs want him, man," Ryu lamented.

Ms. Baker pulled Amuro away, and looked him over. "You've gotten taller, and you're keeping yourself in shape."

"Well, that's all Dad, really." Amuro then looked around. "Mr. Baker isn't around, is he?"

Sayla grew a little more annoyed at Amuro's slightly worried tone.

Ms. Baker sent her children inside the house, and shook her head. "No, he's been gone since the Zeon invaded, taken to the POW camp. A lot of the men and boys have."

Amuro crossed his arms. "What?"

"Isn't this Federation held, how'd the men get imprisoned?" Frau asked.

"It's stupid," Ms. Baker looked down at the two soldiers as Ryu was handcuffing them. "Those MPs are actually Zeon soldiers pretending to be Federation soldiers."

Amuro, Sayla, Frau, and Ryu stared at her and let out a collective "What".

"Ever since the Zeon took Spokane, they've been perpetuating this act that they are allowing Federation soldiers to administer security to this part of town." Ms. Baker explained. "The truth is, these Federation soldiers are all Zeon trying to make the Federation look bad. Men like these will come into neighborhoods and harass us, and when people are fed up with them, Zeon soldiers will show up and cart the Federation soldiers away while acting like chivalrous and honorable men, to try to warm us up to Zeon occupation."

Ryu put it succinctly. "Yo mami, that's retarded."

"It is, they're doing it all over the Pacific Northwest, Seattle, Portland, every major city, pretty much." Ms. Baker shook her head.

"D-does it work? Does anyone else know about this?" Frau asked.

"Everyone knows it's an act, we just go along with it because it makes the Zeon think they're in control so they don't bother us," Ms. Baker replied.

Amuro scratched his chin and hummed. "Yes, like a woman faking an orgasm to make her husband feel better about himself."

Ms. Baker's eyes lit up at that, and she smiled suggestively to Amuro. "Speaking of…"

Amuro held up his hands. "Ah, Ms. Baker, as much as I'd love to go for another romp, that's all behind me." He stepped back and then pushed Sayla forward. "This is Sayla Mass, my girlfriend."

"Hi," Sayla said frostily.

Frau then realized that Amuro came to Side Seven for more than just burning the city down. "Sayla, don't get mad."

"I'm not mad." She totally was. "Amuro told me about what and who he did, so I'm ready to face it." She totally wasn't.

Ms. Baker was impressed. "Goodness, you're really his girlfriend!" She was impressed the girl could still walk! "Well, you should go meet Kamaria then."

Amuro brightened. "My mother's still alive? But the house…"

"Oh, those impostors drove her out, so she went to work at the refugee camp by the airport," Ms. Baker explained.

"The airport?" Amuro hummed. "Ms. Baker, do the Zeons use the airport as their base?"

"Of course, they hardly let anyone there. In fact, I'm certain that they're using it as their POW Camp."

Amuro pounded his fist into his palm. "Fucking solid. Ryu, Frau, Sayla, we're going to see my Mom, and hopefully we'll find out more about the POWs." He smiled to Ms. Baker. "Thank you Ms. Baker, don't worry, we'll be bringing your husband home soon."

Ms. Baker hugged Amuro, banishing him once again to Marshmallow Hell. "Thank you, sweetie! Though I really wouldn't mind if you and I had one more fling before then."

Sayla's face flushed with anger, before the MILFy woman said, "Your girlfriend can join in if she doesn't want to feel jealous."

Ryu grabbed Amuro by his shoulders and pulled him away. "Sounds great, but we gotta go." He grabbed a gobsmacked Sayla, whose mouth was moving but no words were coming out. He then looked to Frau, who was in a similar state. "Hey mamacita, we out!"

Frau blinked a few turns, and bowed politely to Ms. Baker before following Ryu to the car. "R-right!"


At Spokane Airport, a large crowd of young and impressionable Zeon soldiers had gathered to watch the last of several Gaw land on a runway that barely supported the gargantuan aircraft. They had been given word that the Blue Giant Ramba Ral and the Midnight Fenrir were here to deal with the Trojan Horse, sighted in the dense ruins of the city earlier in the day, and all were eager to see celebrities of the Zeon war effort in person. When the man himself left the Gaw, with his dear Crowley at his side, the crowd cheered and cameras snapped.

"My, this is the star treatment." Crowley said to her superior and lover (superior lover?).

As flattering as the cheers and praise were, Ramba could not bring himself to bask in it, aside from a friendly wave to the crowd. "They should be out looking for the Trojan Horse. This city doesn't have much in the way of structures or terrain that can be used to hide it, so how did they make a ship painted white disappear in broad daylight?"

"Perhaps they hid it under a tarp?" Crowley joked.

Ramba stroked his fantastic moustache as he considered it. "A very real possibility. The Trojan Horse is very talented," he gestured to the crowd as it went nuts for the first Zaku Cannon stepping off they Gaw, "And they are so dumb."

Crowley was shocked. "Dear! It's rude to speak so poorly of these boys!"

Somewhere in the burnt out ruins of Spokane, a Zeon patrol consisting of a jeep and two Zakus stared up at what was clearly the White Base, completely covered by a bright blue tarp.

"Was that here this morning?" The soldier driving the jeep asked.

"It's probably some stupid Earther's snooty post-post-postmodernist performance art project. Leave it alone, I want to hit up a Timmy Ho's," The passenger said.

Back at the airport, Ramba shook his head. "Trust me Hamon, I just know these things."

Leaving the crown behind, they headed over to the Base Commander's truck, and the base commander standing outside it. The base commander was taller than Dozle Zabi, about twice as broad, and looked like he could bench press a Zaku. He was about as ugly as a Zaku, too, with a bald head, eyepatch and what looked like waffle iron burns on his forehead, cheek, and neck.

"Lieutenant Commander Ramba Ral! It's an honor to meet one of Zeon's finest in person!" Colonel Zong von Schneider all but yelled to his subordinate with an edge of condescension to his voice.

Ramba nodded and saluted the superior officer. "Colonel Schneider–."

"Von Schneider!" Colonel von Schneider corrected.

"…Right, Colonel as you're well aware of Zeon's entering crisis mode. Prince Garma is still a prisoner of the Trojan Horse, and it's been sighted in this area," Ramba reminded the Colonel.

Colonel von Schneider's scarred face turned up in a sneer. "I'm well aware of that! Due to the incompetence of the Red Comet we've lost hundreds of men and nearly two dozen mobile suits!"

"The Lieutenant's competence was not the issue, we were outmatched by the enemy's superior technology and ambush tactics. I personally found them impressive," Ramba said in Char's defense.

"Even as your ship was shot out from under you?" Colonel von Schneider laughed derisively. "It's helpful to know that you take humiliating defeat so carefree, Blue Giant."

Crowley already didn't like how this guy was talking down to her man, while Ramba took it in stride. "Even Dozle loses his fights, what's important is that we've lived to learn from these defeats. This brings me to you, Colonel. The Trojan Horse may mean to attack your base here."

Colonel von Schneider stared at Ramba as if the man grew an extra head, and grinned darkly. "Oh, and what gives you that impression?"

"The pilot of the Federation's white mobile suit is believed to be the son of the man who developed it, Tem Ray, and the boy was raised in this area."

Colonel von Schneider refused to believe it. "That man had a son!"

What sort of woman could possibly find that twisted mad scientist attractive enough to let him paw her?

"Yes," Ramba replied before he looked to Hamon. "Read the dossier on him, Hamon."

Hamon held up a datapad, and began reciting what it said. Amuro 'Super Shooter' Ray, fifteen years old old: also known as 'Afro Reaper', also known as 'Tuxedo Mask', also known as 'Spitfire', also known as 'The Seattle Thunderbird', also known as 'MILF Destroyer', also known as… 'Baron Samedi'?"

"Baron Samedi?" Colonel von Schneider asked.

Crowley shrugged her shoulders. "It's what it says."

Colonel von Schneider folded his hands behind his back and chuckled. "So there's a chance the sprog will try to act here, out of his weak Earther sentimentality. That will only get him killed!"

"I wouldn't underestimate him," Ramba said in a quite reasonable tone.

"Or the rest of that daring band of rapscallions for that matter, dear."

"Indeed sweetie," Ramba agreed. "The Trojan Horse has pulled off many daring things, many things said impossible."

Crowley hummed. "Certainly, right at this moment they're probably planning their next decisive movements."

Aboard the obviously tarped over White Base, Bright sat in his chair on the bridge, boredly twiddling his thumbs, and staring at the back of Mirai's head as she worked on a Sudoku puzzle book.

"Hey Mirai," he said.

"Yes?" Mirai didn't look up from her book.

"Want to go have sex?"

Mirai scratched down a number in the book. "After I'm done with this book."

"All right." Bright went back to twiddling his thumbs.

Back at the base, Crowley nodded. "Tireless tactical geniuses."

Colonel von Schneider sniffed disdainfully. "Luck is a far more likely explanation. Luck runs out."

"That goes both ways, Colonel, don't test yours by underestimating this opponent," Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer said as he finally joined the group. "Ral, my team is ready to deploy and search for the Trojan Horse."

Colonel von Schneider loudly cleared his throat and all eyes moved to him. Schmitzer addressed him, "Yes?"

"The search for the Trojan Horse will be handled by my own MS unit. My forces are intimately familiar with this area…" The large man let out a slimy chuckle. "…Intimate indeed."

Crowley, through the grace and self control earned through years of practice, resisted the urge to empty her sidearm into the man's leering face.

Ramba tempted fate. "I hope that wasn't an innuendo."

And he, Crowley, and Schmitzer were punished for it. The monstrous mountain of maleness let out a booming laugh. "Oh no, no, it was just a joke, because we've rounded all the men and boys up and put them in the POW Camp and there's nothing but women in the town now."

Ramba opened his mouth but no words came out. Schmitzer squinted all Clint Eastwood-like at Colonel Schmitzer, measuring his contempt carefully. "I'm sorry, Colonel, fly that by me again?"

"It's an ongoing experiment, right out of Lord Gihren's writings on Earthers," Schneider said, still smiling. "I had my men arrest the men and boys of the city, and by keeping them away from the women I deprive them of the one thing the slovenly Earth Elite require more than anything else…"

The Lieutenant Commanders and the exceedingly lovely Crowley wanted him to say the obvious, like their families, their loved ones, and so on, but Colonel von Schneider wasn't going to let them have nice things. "…Sex!"

At their controlled looks of dismay, he continued. "It's straight out of the Roman play, Lysitrata! Separate the men and the women, and their unsatisfied desire to breed like dogs in heat will bring the Earthers to their knees before me!"

He might've thought he spared them by not adding "Preferably the women" and laughing lecherously, but Ramba, Crowley, and Schmitzer added it in their heads.

Crowley found her fingers closing around her gun and even easing it out of her holster, but a quick look from Ral and she was innocently adjusting her makeup in a compact as von Schneider turned his gaze on her.

"…At any rate, we'll leave the recon to you. Bear in mind, however, that our force is equipped to deal with the Trojan Horse and its MS," Schmitzer spoke, wanting mainly to drop any and all discussion with this man.

Colonel von Schneider nodded. "Very well! In the meantime, how about I show you around the camp! Gihren was so impressed by what he's heard that he's enacted my policy in other citites in the region!"

Ramba quickly tried to back out. "We should be preparing…"

"Nonsense, it'll only take a few moments, and by the time we're done, my scouts will have found the Trojan Horse." At least that's what he was planning in his damn twisted mind. These lucky Earthers would screw up soon enough, there was no way that they'd be so clever, so suave that they'd be able to slip into his town and escape his notice.


Less than a mile from the airport, Amuro's Anaheim Buffalo pulled into a refugee camp made up of mainly the infirm and the elderly seeking free passage into Neutral Canada. Actual Zeon soldiers patrolled this camp, and made a show of it by being excessively accommodating to the refugees at the camp, they even had wi-fi and video games in every trailer among other luxuries.

"Luxury trailers, it seems wrong," Amuro muttered as they pulled up to an attractive female Zeon soldier acting as a valet.

"Should… should we let her take the car?" Frau asked.

"Of course," Amuro murmured back.

"Don't forget the tip, jefe," Ryu said as they climbed out of the car.

"I know, I know." Amuro handed the Zeon valet the screwdriver he used to start the car. "Do not touch the trim."

The valet soldier looked at the screwdriver, and then looked back as Amuro and his posse continued on, in awe of the shirtless youth's good looks and nonchalance. "Wow…"

Sayla glanced back at the soldier, and tried not to feel hilariously insecure. She had picked up a stress ball from a fuel station on their way, specifically for taking her mind off Amuro's promiscuous past.

"Uh, Sayla, that stress ball broke," Frau pointed out.

Sayla looked down at the ruined cloth and the flecks of sand still falling from it, and tossed it before pulling another from her bag. Frau realized that today was going to be unpleasant for everyone involved.

"Ryu," she whispered nervously.

"I know, mami, I know." Ryu knew that it probably wasn't going to take much, and that when it finally happened, Sayla snapping, people were going to enter a world of pain, Walter Sobchak-style.

As they ventured further into the camp, they found the luxury extended beyond facilities and valets, there were various Zeon Soldiers going about acting as helpers, assistants, and even servants to the refugees. It was beyond galling.

"This is ridiculous, how they're buttering them all up like this," Sayla seethed.

"What was that? I can't hear you over the sound of all this dick being sucked," Amuro replied.

"I bet if you asked, they'd do it," Ryu said.

Amuro looked around, and called over to a passing Zeon soldier, a young man around Garma's age. "Hey you," he called over in a light, honeyed tone, "What's a man got to do to get some fellatio around here?"

The soldier stared at Amuro, wondering what he meant for a moment.

Amuro rolled his eyes. "You. Suck my dick."

Frau blushed brightly, Ryu buried his face in his palm, and Sayla was rapidly squeezing the stress ball as her mouth hung open in disbelief. The soldier, flushing brightly, looked around and then he glanced with uncertainty towards one of the trailers. "Um…can we do this quick, I have to be somewhere…"

The stress ball burst into flames in Sayla's hand, as Ryu quickly intervened. "Yo man, he was joking, chill, you don't have to do that."

"Oh, sorry." The soldier did look a bit disappointed though. "The commander's orders are to give the refugees going to Canada whatever they like, we can't say no to any request… well, except for harming ourselves or others after the last three requests for fighting to the death in the bear cage."

"Sayla, Sayla breathe, it's okay if it's guy on guy, really it is!" Frau said in an utterly vain attempt at calming Sayla down.

"No, it's not okay if it's guy on guy," Sayla growled back. "I don't care what you and Mirai are into."

Frau made a mental note to connect with Mirai about this interesting revelation, provided she survived Sayla today. Before she could inadvertently set Sayla off and kill everyone in the camp with a weak attempt at reasoning, a large shadow fell over them. Amuro, Ryu, Sayla, and Frau turned around to see what had to be a three thousand pound grizzly bear staring down at them.

They stared at the bear.

The bear blinked.

They continued to stare with care at the bear.

The bear licked its chops, revealing massive and deadly looking teeth.

Frau broke into hysterical laughter and fell to the ground unconscious.

The Zeon soldier looked down at Frau, and then over to the woman holding the leash of this bear and another that trailed behind her. "Uh, Miss Kamaria, it's only a matter of time before one of these newbies really flip out and we have an incident."

Walking up to the front of the bear and the group, was a rather unassuming, plain woman with Amuro's mildly curly reddish brown hair, and wearing a sun dress the same shade of pink as Char's Zaku. "Both Vivol and Moon Bear are therapy bears, they wouldn't hurt anyone. Everyone knows that." She hugged the bear around its neck. "Isn't that right, Vivol?"

The bear responded by resting a paw on her shoulder and licking her face affectionately. It was then that Amuro cheerfully called to her, "Hi Mom!"

Kamaria did a double-take, and grew wide-eyed. "Amuro? Amuro!"

Releasing the bear's leash, Kamaria embraced her son and nuzzled him with her bear-drool covered face. "My sweet little firebug, you're home!"

Sayla looked to Ryu. "I'm not surprised by this."

"You wanna be though," he replied.

"Yeah," Sayla said before she let out a sigh. "Yeah."

Once Frau Bow had regained consciousness for the third time (seeing the bear standing over her when she awoke caused her to laugh and faint again), Amuro and his party were seated with his mother and both the bears under an ornate and extravagant gazebo normally used by the Side 3 Players' Shakespeare in the Park performances. While the gazebo was rather nice, the performances were not so much, especially since the only plays the spacenoid troupe seemed to be decently familiar with were Titus Andronicus and Timon of Athens, and even those were frequently mixed them up, resulting in numerous impromptu performances of Timon Andronicus, Titus of Athens, and in one unfortunate instance that still has a few people waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, Timon of Titus.

"So, you train these bears to be friendly?" Frau asked as she rubbed the stomach of the grizzly bear lying next to her like a dog. "How did they get so big?"

"A carefully formulated diet and exercise plan combined with some genetic tampering," Kamaria replied as she watched Ryu mock wrestle with the other bear. Amuro was cuddling his mother, getting his head scratched like a dog and being quite content about it.

"Yeah, but they're still bears, how are they so… laid back?" Frau watched as Ryu managed to put the giant bear into a headlock and wrestle it to the ground.

"She hand raised them herself," Amuro explained. "She's had these two since before I was born, they babysat me."

Sayla found herself a little sad that she still wasn't surprised by this.

Kamaria nodded. "They're perfectly tame, all of the bears around here are."

Ryu was in the midst of being held over the shoulders of the bear he was wrestling. "Wait, they all are?" The bear promptly body-slammed him. "Oof!"

"Oh course, I've been working tirelessly for almost twenty years to domesticate the Grizzly Bear, and I'm making great progress. Vivol and Moon Bear's stock has a temperament equivalent to a Newfoundland, though I was aiming more for German Shepherd."

Frau was a amazed, as she looked down at the bear she realized she was now cuddling without fear. "That's amazing, you should get a Nobel Prize for this!"

Sayla was still a bit confused. "Why Grizzly Bears though, why not Black or something smaller and more manageable?"

Kamaria smiled big. "Oh, Amuro's father wanted an army of loyal Bear Soldiers to protect his assets. It was either Grizzly or Polar, but I don't really care for Polar Bears, they're too resource intensive."

"Ah, I see," Frau and Sayla said together as they nodded. Were Kai here at this very moment, he'd be smacking his head against one of the gazebo's supports, wishing the world would end or start making sense.

"Hey man, can I take one home with me?" Ryu asked, as he was held in a double wrist-lock by the other bear.

"Of course you can have a bear, sweetie, but not him. He's a therapy bear, children cuddle him to deal with the war," Kamaria replied to the oddly named Puerto Rican.

"Funny you should say that, mami, we got a ship full of kids who need therapy." Ryu looked pointedly at Frau with that.

Frau giggled when the bear she was hugging licked her face. "He's right, I could hug him all day and feel like everything's going to be all right."

Kamaria slowly nodded, and then looked down to Amuro. "You've really done a number on these people, haven't you?"

"It's not my fault Mom, I swear. All I did was get in Dad's Gundam, kill a few Zeons, and it all snowballed from here. That said, this is all Char Aznavel's fault."

"Yes," Frau agreed.

"His fault entirely," Ryu added.

"I think he might be my brother," Sayla blurted.

Everyone stared at Sayla in surprise, even Amuro. Sayla blinked a few times, and buried her face in her palm. "Oh God damn it, I said that out loud."

"This makes everything I've done to you–and you've done to me–even more awesome," Amuro declared.

That reminded Kamaria. "Firebug, sweetie, what happened to your Father?"

"Last I saw, he was going to get himself captured by the Zeon and wreck their whole operation from the inside."

Kamaria sighed. "That's about right."

Sayla managed to recover from her gaffe, and fight off Frau and Ryu's stares to finally ask. "Speaking of wrecking operations, there's a POW camp over at the airport, and we were hoping you knew anything about it."

"Oh, that place? I know a lot about it, Colonel von Schneider uses the prisoners to extend the runway to allow for Zeon's heavier transport craft. He works them to the bone and treats them like animals," Kamaria said with a forlorn expression. She had nothing but sympathy for those poor sons of bitches. "I smuggle them food and water on the hotter days."

"That's terrible!" Frau gasped.

"Making civilians work like that violates the Antarctic Treaty, man. It's definitely a Class C," Ryu said.

Amuro hummed. "What else can you tell us about the camp, Mom?"

"They're kept in the terminal and the hangars immediately connected to the terminal itself. There are thousands of prisoners there, more than can be fed and tended to. The mortality rate is pretty high." Kamaria looked in its direction. "If you're going to bust it up, I'll round up the bears and we'll support."

"Round up the bears? Wait, they'll attack the Zeon?" Frau asked.

Kamaria smiled. "I trained these bears to be Temmy's army, remember?" She looked to Amuro. "Just give say the word and we will march into hell, sweetie."

Amuro smiled broadly. "You're the best, Mom." He got up, and stretched. "Well, we've got intel on the camp and on the location of the prisoners. I suppose we should go straight to the part where we gleefully murder everyone on Zeon's payroll."

Frau jumped up, her eyes gleaming. "Hell yes, jefe!"

Sayla looked to Ryu. "I think you're rubbing off on her."

"Sayla dear, when you're done with all that murder, I'll need to talk to you about something. It's really important," Kamaria said to Sayla as the meddlesome kids started leaving the gazebo.

"Can't you tell me now?" Sayla wondered what it could be.

Kamaria shook her head. "No, it can wait those poor people come first. Just go do your mission, don't die, and come see me right after. Oh… and do take it easy, overexerting yourself is dangerous, especially in your condition."

Sayla blinked. "W-what?"

"We'll discuss it later, now go." She looked past Sayla and waved. "Good luck sweetie, and have lots of fun out there okay?"

"I will, Mom!" Amuro called back.


Garma was on his way to the bridge of the White Base in search of a status report. The away team had been gone for a while now, and with the tell-tale rumbles of Zakus moving around the city, he was worried about the away team, and being discovered before their plan could go into motion. As he reached the doors, he found the two bridge bunnies who were normally sitting outside the door, which was cracked open.

"Oscar? Marker? What are you two doing out here?" He asked in confusion.

"Figures that the Zeon guy would remember our names," Oscar muttered.

Marker shook his head. "Don't give him too much credit, the author just got around to looking up our information. Gutted Wren Studios this guy ain't." He looked to Garma. "Hey there Your Majesty, how's it hanging?"

Garma was going to ignore that. "Why are you two outside?"

"Figured we'd give the Captain and Mirai some private time, if you know what I mean," Oscar said as he winked and gave Garma nudge with his elbow.

"Sorry guys, she said later." Bright called out.

"Aw damn it," Oscar grumbled as the doors opened and the two plus Garma walked in.

Marker looked at his camera. "Charged it and everything."

Garma looked at the two and over to Mirai. "You're taking this harassment surprisingly well."

"I'm an exhibitionist," Mirai flatly replied.

Seriously, what was this crew on? Garma would worry about that later. He looked over to Bright. "Captain, the Zeon forces are moving."

"I know," Bright replied.

"What's our plan?"

"Kai's got it."

That worried Garma. "Kai's got it?"

He was under the impression that Kai was an incompetent little…

"Son of a bitch!" Mirai suddenly snapped. Garma looked over at her, and found that she was furiously erasing her sudoku puzzle.

He slowly turned his attention back to Bright. "…Is that a good idea?"

"He may be a little fuck-stain but Kai's pretty solid when you need a solid guy," Bright replied.

Outside, one of the Spokane Base's Zaku IIs came across one of its wingmen, the Zaku II unit was hidden among the taller buildings in the burnt out part of town, and perfectly still. The pilot blinked in confusion. "Hey, what are you doing here, did you find the Trojan Horse?"

There was no reply from the motionless Zaku II. As the curious pilot moved closer, he failed to notice that his footsteps had become louder for some reason. "Hey, buddy? You okay?"

He walked around his wingmate's Zaku, and found there was a curious gash on the Zaku's abdomen… right about where the cockpit would be. "What the-!"

"Shh," the pilot heard Kai hiss over the radio, before the Guncannon sank an armor-piercing knife into the Zaku's cockpit.

Slowly removing the knife, and leaving the Zaku standing there like its wingmate, the Guncannon stepped away and hid in the valley of burnt-out buildings. "That makes three," Kai said to himself with a chuckle.

Nearby, another Zaku II walked past the tarp-covered White Base, its pilot giving it close scrutiny. "Hey, was this here this morning?"

The concerned pilot turned and walked his MS over to the ship, before reaching out to grab the tarp.

"PROTECTED BY VIPER, STAND BACK." A booming voice called from underneath the tarp, and the Zaku II jumped back.

"Oh, oh! S-sorry!" The Zaku pilot quickly yelped before he guided his machine away from the landed ship.

Inside the ship, Bright shook his head. "My God, we're going to win this war."

Garma nodded. "Yes, yes we are."

A call then came in, and Bright found that it was from Amuro. "There's my fucking hero." He picked up the phone. "What up, broseidon?"

"What is the most horrific thing you can possibly imagine happening to a bunch of Zeon soldiers?" Amuro asked. Before Bright could answer, he cut him off, "Don't bothering answering because it will pale in comparison to what's about to happen within the next forty-five minutes."

Bright blinked, and then looked down. "Not gonna lie man, but that gave me the weirdest boner right now. Just tell us where not to shoot and we'll kill everything else."

"Ask and you shall receive; now get the Gundam ready, we're coming back."

"It's already done." He looked over to Mirai. "Mirai, we're taking off, Marker, Oscar, call the orphans and tell them to man the CIC stations. Garma?"

Garma stood attention. "Yes Captain?"

Bright tapped on the armrest. "Sit back, crack open a cool one with me, and watch the fireworks."


Unaware of the hell about to befall Spokane Base, Colonel Schneider-

"Von Schneider!"

…Okay… Colonel von Schneider was showing off the work on the end of the airport's runway and the hundreds of men ranging from the ages of fifteen to fifty-five toiling away on it manually. With him, the Lieutenant Colonels and Crowley did not bother to wonder why the Colonel randomly yelled his last name to the sky, because they were too busy being horrified by the obvious human rights abuse occurring before their eyes.

"This is a Class C," Schmitzer muttered. "We're going to hang for this."

"But we can testify and gain immunity, or at the very least a lighter sentence. I was a lawyer before I joined up. I've got this." Crowley whispered.

"As you can see, while they pale before our superior Spacenoid Intellect, the common Earther has many uses in manual labor and a surprisingly high endurance! Why, I've rationed their meals to one a day and disrupted their sleep, and they still find the strength to carry heavy loads and operate heavy machinery!" Colonel von Schneider boasted with a laugh.

"We're fueled by our hatred for you!" one of the laborers shouted.

"And the hope to see you driven before us as we hear the lamentations of your women!" another yelled.

Crowley suddenly felt very uncomfortable here, and hid behind Ramba, who had all he could take. "Schneider-!"

"VON SCHNEI-!"

"Shut up, I don't care! This is insane, stupid and insane! If Prince Garma knew about what you were doing, he would shoot you in the face and teabag your corpse." Ramba stepped up to the much larger man, as Crowley elected to hide behind Schmitzer instead.

Colonel von Schneider's unpatched eye widened as he grinned. "Well, Lieutenant Commander, if it weren't for you, I would have to worry about such a thing. As it is, I answer only to my direct superior, Lord Gihren and I most certainly don't take kindly to being insulted by one of Dozle's muscle-men."

"Zong, I'm warning you only once. You will treat these prisoners in accordance to the rules laid out by the Antarctic Treaty or so God help me I'll…"

Colonel von Schneider leaned forward, appearing a giant compared to Ramba. "You'll what, kill a superior officer?"

Ramba, unflinchingly, removed his gloves and then his jacket. "Right here, right now."

Before anyone could start throwing down in the most manliest of ways, there was a report and then an obvious whistling. Colonel von Schneider turned and looked around. "What in the devil is that noi-."

A pair of White Base's 22-inch shells smashed through one of the Gaws sitting on the airport's taxiway, ripping through it and setting off an explosion that destroyed the craft. The explosion almost immediately destroyed the Gaws adjacent to it, and turned the entire taxiway into a river of fire and explosions.

"And now everything is on fire," Schmitzer muttered as the shockwave from the blast blew back everyone's hair except for Crowley's, she was hiding behind the crippled Lieutenant Commander's broad shoulders. "Perfect."

"What? An enemy attack? Terrorists!" Colonel von Schneider was not happy. "How could an insurgency get inside my base!"

A jeep raced up, and inside was Hepner and Ensign Roberto. The former called over to the Lieutenant Commanders. "The Trojan Horse is approaching the base at rooftop level! Its teeth are out and it's hungry for a fight!"

Ramba nodded. "Then we'll give them a fight! Hamon, it's time to bring out… the Gouf!"

Crowley nodded. "Right away, dear!"

"Oh no you don't, you're not going anywhere! I'm in command of this operation!" Colonel von Schneider was stopped when Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer pulled out a .44 Magnum revolver and pointed it at his face.

"Excuse me, but a crippled old man like me has no time for fisticuffs. So I'm going to tell it like it is, Schneider. This is our operation now, and if you have a problem with it, you can take it up with this hollow-point."

Von Schneider stared at the gun, and then at the man holding it. He grinned and inched a bit closer, only to stop when Schmitzer cocked the hammer. "Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

He did not feel lucky, as evident by how the Colonel scowled and stepped back. Crowley, Ramba, and Schmitzer piled into the jeep, which raced back towards the base before th

e other units were hit by the attacking ship.

"Their first shot, and they did this kind of damage. That ship is a monster!" Ramba said as they raced along the flames.

"All right, whoever hit that Gaw gets pizza for dinner," Bright called out.

"Yes!" Katz cheered.

Mirai blinked and then leaned over the White Base's controls. "Hey, there are some weird-looking Zakus setting up ahead of us."

Garma stood up and quickly identified them. "MS-06K Zaku Cannons. They pack a hundred-eighty millimeter cannon with long range."

In the urban terrain ahead of the ship, the Midnight Fenrir's Zaku Cannons immediately brought their weapons to bear and targeted the White Base. In the cockpit of his Zaku Cannon, First Lieutenant Ian Greydon was eager to face the Federation's monster ship in his new monster MS.

"Zaku Cannon team, target the Trojan Horse, aim for the bridge and weapons to disable it!" African-Zeonic man called out as he locked onto the bridge of the ship with the artillery mobile suit's one-hundred eighty millimeter cannon. "Let's show them why it's suicidal to just run straight into a firing line!"

Ian, like the other Zaku Cannon pilots, pulled the trigger. With a roar of gunfire, the Zaku Cannons were promptly thrown onto their backs, and their shells hit everything but the big white ship making its way towards them.

As the shells whipped past the ship ineffectually, Garma opened his can of beer. "Of course, due to the top heavy design, even in the optimum bracing stance the recoil of the cannon will knock the unit onto its back every time it fires." He took a sip. "Yep."

Bright was trying his damnedest not to fall of his chair as he laughed hysterically.

"Captain's incapacitated for the moment, Kai mind putting in some work?" Mirai asked.

"Yeah, just gimme a minute!" Kai said as the Guncannon landed on the roof of a building, crushing the top two floors under its weight. As the big red machine's visor flash, the light of the cockpit monitors cast a a gleam off Kai's wild eyes as he locked onto the downed Mobile Suits.

"Good bye!" Kai sang as he opened fire with the Guncannon's shoulder mounted weapons, the shells quickly homing onto their own targets and hitting two of the prone Zaku Cannons with devastating effect.

Seeing two of the Zakus explode, Ian swore and quickly got his Zaku Cannon back up. "Damn it, didn't anyone test these things?" He quickly radioed his men. "Don't try to engage with the cannons unless you're leaning against something!"

He did just that, leaning against a building as he targeted Kai. "Go down you Feddie son of a bitch!"

The Zaku Cannon fired successfully this time, the shell cutting through the air towards the Guncannon, which jumped to the side to avoid the shell at the last second. Landing in the street, Kai opened fire again, targeting Ian's Zaku Cannon specifically.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn!" Ian yelled as he pushed his Zaku to stagger out of the way of the deadly shells, which demolished the building. As he managed to clear the explosions, he turned his Zaku in time to see another pair of shells hurtling towards him. "FUCK!"

One shell blew off his Zaku Cannon's arm, while the other took off its head and a chunk of cannon equipment, sending the suit spinning to the ground. As it hit the ground on its side, Amuro's Anaheim Buffalo raced by, avoiding the debris thrown by the impacting suit and driving straight for the ship.

Frau Bow was in the Driver's seat, while Amuro was in the passenger side putting on a shirt. "Wow Frau," he said, "You're getting better at this!"

"Thanks!" She pulled into the parking lot of a scorched supermarket, where the tarp covering the Gunperry came off and its cargo doors came down, revealing the Gundam ready to fly. Frau skillfully maneuvered the car onto the transport, and everyone climbed out as the transport's crew moved to secure the car.

"Amuro, be careful out there okay?" Sayla asked Amuro as she followed him towards the Gundam.

Amuro turned back and kissed her. "I'll be fine, okay?"

"Okay!" Sayla quickly replied, and stepped back as Amuro scrambled for the cockpit.

Back aboard the ship, Marker oversaw the movement of allied units skillfully. "The Gundam is rising and Kai's moving up!"

Oscar was keeping an eye on the enemy. "More Mobile Suits are moving up, four Zaku IIs and a… what the Hell is that?"

The image appeared on screen. It looked similar to a Zaku, but it was bigger, meaner looking, and its paint job was blue with a dark blue torso, rather than the puke green Zakus. It carried no Machine Gun and had a different shield, and like Char's pink little number, also sported a Commander's horn.

Mirai tilted her head. "Is that a Zaku?"

Garma's eyes widened. "That's a Gouf, they're already rolling them out here?"

"The fuck is a Gouf?" Bright asked.

Down on the streets, the Guncannon rumbled along towards the airport, machine gun fire from a Zaku pinging harmlessly off its thick armor as it closed in on the Zeon machine. Kai could only laugh. "You can't stop the big red machine!"

Jumping into the air, the Guncannon performed a dropkick, driving both its feet into the chest of the Zaku and caving it in. Getting back up, the Guncannon stomped on the cockpit area of the ruined Zaku for good measure.

A trio of missiles shrieked down on the Guncannon from above, striking the street around it and engulfing it in explosions. On the other end of the missile assault, Sophie Fran grinned as she watched the Guncannon stumble out of the smoke. Her formerly gentle face was twisted with a sick bloodlust and rage, not unlike what Char had seen after Sayla had broken her nose.

"Little Feddie bitch, don't think that this is just a cakewalk for you!" she yelled at the Guncannon.

Kai rolled his eyes. "Do all of you Zeons keep your radios open or is it just the crazy idiots?"

"Lieutenant Fran, please don't go too berserk. If we can, try to capture the Federation suit intact?" Ensign Hepner butted in.

Kai immediately changed his mind. "Hey, you sound pretty cute."

At her console aboard the Midnight Fenrir's Gaw, which was scrambling to take off, Ensign Hepner recoiled. "H-how are you on this channel?"

Kai didn't answer, he was too busy opening fire on Sophie's Zaku, which avoided the beam rifle shot. Odd, did she get closer? He fired again, he missed, and she was closer again. He fired once more, and then suddenly the Zaku was in melee range.

"Well fuck me," Kai said before the Guncannon was tackled by the Zaku and sent crashing through a gutted apartment building.

As a cloud of dust billowed from where the two MS began struggling, Marker shook his head. "Kai just shit the bed, Captain."

"Not surprised," Bright replied.

"Oh screw you, you smarmy asshole!" Kai shouted over the sounds of a Zaku's fists beating against his cockpit. "Get the hell off me you crazy bitch!"

Sophie grinned. "Sure!"

She got up, so she could point her machine gun at the Guncannon's cockpit. At this range, all the armor in the world meant jack and shit in the face of physics. "This is faster anyway."

Before she could fire, the Guncannon grabbed the barrel of the machine gun and crushed the weapon. A punch to the chest with its free hand knocked the Zaku off the Guncannon, which got back up… just in time for it to be pelted by the machine guns of two more Zakus and a surviving Zaku Cannon.

Her gun wrecked, Sophie fired three more missiles from the leg-mounted launchers at the Guncannon, battering it further, as she drew her Heat-Hawk. "Oh, this is going to be satisfying!"

Amuro then whistled over the radio. "Hey guys, over here."

The Zakus and the Zaku Cannon looked back to find the Gundam standing on another tall building, with its Beam Rifle aimed at them.

"The White Mobile Suit!" one of the pilots cried out.

Sophie grinned as her wingmates and the Zaku Cannon turned their weapons onto the Gundam. "You wasted the element of surprise to show off?"

A beam rifle shot tore off the right arm of Sophie's Zaku. Rather than look back or react dramatically, she moved her Zaku, avoiding the Guncannon's cannon shells, which went on to hit and destroy the Zaku Cannon.

"Thanks for the breather, man whore," Kai snapped at Amuro.

"Anytime, fuck-face," Amuro cheerfully replied.

Sophie stared at the Guncannon in disbelief. "What are these God damned Feddie suits made of!"

Amuro wasted no time, opening fire on the other two undamaged Zakus, and made short work of them with his accurate beam rifle shots that brought them both down with heavy damage. "One! Two!"

Turning around, he locked onto and fired upon two more Zaku Cannons trying to get into a good firing position on the White Base. An instant later, they were explosions. "Three! Four!"

Thrusters firing, the Gundam leaped and fell upon another Zaku firing its machine gun at him. Using his shield to absorb the burst of fire, Amuro landed on the Zaku and surfed on it down the street. "Five!"

A sixth Zaku's pilot stared in awe at the white MS surfing towards him on his wingmate, and pretty much resigned himself to his inevitable death. It came, when the Gundam threw its shield into the cockpit of the Zaku, sending it toppling onto its back. "Six! Who'll be the seventh?"

It was then that a long metallic tentacle wrapped around the Gundam's arm. Amuro looked at it. "What the fuck is this-?"

50,000 volts of electricity later.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Oh yeah, Amuro watch out for that blue one," Oscar radioed to him, "Garma says it's a new high performance unit or something."

Amuro sat up in the Gundams' cockpit. For some reason, possibly related to his sudden tasing, everything tasted like blue raspberry. "Thanks Oscar, good to know."

He backed the Gundam away from the blue machine, the MS-07B Gouf, and readied his beam rifle. In the cockpit of his blue powerhouse, Ramba was surprised. "That electrical charged should've disabled your Mobile Suit."

"Shock absorbers!" Amuro replied cheerfully.

Ramba had to admit he walked right into that one.


At the base, Colonel von Schneider managed to make it to the heart of his base's operations, a powerful, black, and sleek Dabude-class Land Battleship, which was already preparing to sortie. On the bridge of the vessel, Colonel von Schneider looked up at the approaching Trojan Horse in shock.

"I don't understand, what sort of technology allowed them to hide under our nose plain as day!" The Colonel demanded.

Still, it was no matter. The Dabude's cannons were so powerful, that the ship needed to be anchored to the ground for them to fire safely. With a single salvo, he'd be able to sink the Trojan Horse, and crush the Federation's spirits! "Prepare to fire the Dabude's cannons at the Trojan Horse, we're going to sink that white bastard!"

As the crew hurriedly prepared to do just that, one crewman in particular looked out the bridge's windows and saw something unusual. After performing a double take, the soldier stared slack-jawed at what was happening outside the ship. "…C-Colonel, there's…"

Colonel von Schneider looked over to the soldier. "What is it?"

"…Bears sir, there are bears charging towards the base," the soldier said, in disbelief of his own words.

Colonel von Schneider paused. "Bears? How many?"

The soldier just removed his pointy Zeon soldier helmet, and shook his head. "All of them, Colonel."

Indeed, for pouring through the gates and over the fences, swarming over everything in their path at a full-on gallop, were dozens upon dozens of roaring, snarling, drooling Grizzly Bears–the smallest of the godless killing machines weighing in at a scant five hundred pounds. Riding atop the largest of them, a bear around the size of a large pickup truck, was Kamaria Ray, wielding what looked like a Lever-Action Punt Gun.

The Zeon soldier who spotted the bear horde just tilted his head to one side. "I… I honestly can't comprehend what I'm looking at sir."

The soldier pulled out his sidearm, and promptly committed suicide; in that moment he had seen essentially everything that had needed to be seen in his short life. Outside the Dabude, Zeon soldiers found themselves taking similar courses of actions as the bear horde fell upon them, opting out for a quick death rather to be mauled to death by thousands of pounds of fur, muscle, teeth, and rage.

One enterprising squad of soldiers got it in their heads to shoot at the lead bear and Kamaria. With one hand, Kamaria aimed the oversized shotgun, reducing the entire squad to chunky salsa.

Colonel von Schneider saw that in particular. "Who is that woman?"

"Colonel, the bears are overwhelming our defenses and climbing onto the Dabude! They're going to get inside!" One soldier reported.

"The prisoners are beginning to riot, b-but the bears aren't attacking them!" another reported. "Wait, the bears are letting them out of containment!"

"The Trojan Horse is almost on top of the base!"

"The White Mobile Suit just wiped out the Midnight Fenrir and the Zaku Cannon team!"

"My pants have never been so full!"

"THE BEARS HAVE BROKEN INTO THE SHIP!"

Another crew member killed himself.

Colonel von Schneider stared at the chaos breaking out on the bridge as the other crew prepared weapons for either defending themselves from the bear attack, or simply taking the quick way out. Some soldiers simply crawled under their consoles and rocked back and forth, sobbing hysterically. He wasn't going to have this.

"What are you fools doing? We're soldiers of the Principality of Zeon! We do not cower or tremble in fear of some slovenly, dull-witted Earth beasts, or their bears!"

He really couldn't resist that jab. "Let them come! I shall rend them asunder with my bare hands! No, in fact I won't wait for them!"

Colonel von Schneider marched up to the bridge's doors and opened them. Of course there was a thousand pound Grizzly Bear on the other side, its muzzle stained with blood and hatred spewing from its mouth in the form of a bellowing roar. Colonel von Schneider simply punched the bear, knocking it out, and proceeded to punch every bear in front of him.

Amuro pointed his beam rifle at the Gouf, watching the blue mobile suit with a bit of caution as it drew from under its shield a large sword, which gave off a glow as it heated up similarly to the Zaku's heat hawk weapons. He smirked. "All right, let's see how this big blue Zaku of yours handles."

He fired his beam rifle, but the Gouf had already dodged out of the way with speed that made Char's Zaku look like a joke. Amuro was genuinely surprised. "Huh?"

The Gouf slashed at the Gundam, Amuro barely avoiding the strike. As the Gundam jumped back, the Gouf closed in right after it, moving faster than any Zaku would've under even ideal circumstances. Another swing of its sword cut a thin gash across the chest of the Gundam.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Amuro cried out as he drew his beam saber and blocked another sword strike. To his surprise, the Gouf simply pushed him forward, and up against another building.

"What's the big deal, are you having trouble against that fancy Zaku?" Kai mocked as he moved into position to support the Gundam.

Amuro looked towards Kai. "This is no Zaku, man! No Zaku!"

He fired off the Gundam's head vulcans, the rounds pinging against the Gouf's head and shoulders before it boosted away from the Gundam. Landing, Ramba confirmed Amuro's observation. "The Gouf has more armor and more power than a Zaku, it's completely different!"

Amuro readied his beam saber. "I bet it doesn't come close to the Gundam, though."

"Probably not," Ramba admitted, "But it's close enough for skill to make the difference!"

The Gouf attacked again, crossing blades with the Gundam twice before smacking it with that shocking tentacle weapon in its other arm. Amuro let out a yelp from the shock, but held it together to block another strike from the heat sword. "Hey Kai!"

"I know, I know!" Kai shouted before he opened fire with the cannons, forcing the Gouf to flee the artillery barrage.

Amuro picked up his beam rifle and boosted after the Gouf, opening fire on the big blue target before it could land. Again, to his surprise, the Gouf dodged the shot in midair, and slapped the pursuing Gundam with its tentacle.

Kai couldn't help but laugh. "Hey bitch-cake, how much longer are you going to let this guy slap you with his mecha dick?"

Amuro made a mental note to slap Kai with his dick when this was over, and used the beam saber to slice the tentacle weapon before Ramba could hit him with it again. It was of course a feint, and the heat sword almost ran the Gundam through, were it not for Amuro's nigh-supernatural reaction time allowing him to cause the superheated blade to glance off the Gundam's side.

"Wow, you're good!" Amuro said as he hit the Gouf with his beam rifle and kicked it back.

"And you're talented, but it's fairly obvious that it's more your Mobile Suit than your own skill!" Ramba replied as the Gouf recovered and stood ready.

The beam saber exhausted, Amuro put it away and pointed the beam rifle at the Gouf. "Well then," he said, "Show me your moves."

The Gouf provided, rushing straight for the Gundam as Amuro locked on and fired the beam rifle. As the beam left the beam rifle, the Gouf spun, the beam passing just over the Zeon MS's body before it lashed what it had left of the tentacle weapon around the Gundam's leg. Landing, the Gouf pulled hard, yanking the Gundam off its feet and onto its back.

"Nice moves!" Amuro said cheerfully as the Gouf loomed over him.

Raising its heat sword, the Gouf prepared to impale the Gundam again, when there was a gleam from above–the afternoon sun shining from the white head of the Guncannon as it fell on the Gouf with a flying kick. Struck by the significantly heavier machine, the Gouf was sent crashing through not one but two buildings.

"Nicely done, for once." Amuro said as he got the Gundam back up on its feet.

Ramba got up and faced the two Federation MS. "Hamon, what's happening with the others?"

"The surviving pilots are retreating with Fran and Greydon, they're escaping the combat area," Crowley replied.

"Well, then, that's all for me," Ramba said as Gouf produced a large hand grenade, and threw it at the Gundam and Guncannon, creating a brilliant flash that blinded both pilots. "Hamon, I'll rendezvous with you at the extraction point! This battle is another victory for the Trojan Horse."

"Understood, dear," Crowley replied, relieved that Ramba was escaping the battle with his life.

Ensign Hepner shook her head. "What about Spokane Base, aren't we going to do anything? Call for reinforcements?"

Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer answered that. "The attack was too swift, too overwhelming. There was nothing we could do to stop it, we could only retreat."

Crowley immediately agreed. "Yes. There is nothing we can do."

"But the Dabude is still–."

"There was nothing we could do." The terse emphasis from both her superiors quickly silenced the redheaded Ensign.

"Oh God, this is horrifying," Mirai said as the White Base floated over Spokane Airport, giving the crew a perfect view of the carnage below. The prisoners were in full riot, and working with their ursine saviors in exacting bloody, gruesome revenge on the base's complement of Zeon soldiers. It was an orgy of blood and suffering, with a soundtrack of screams, explosions, and gunfire against a backdrop of flames and dense smoke.

Bright nodded. "So this is what Hell looks like. Neat."

Garma felt terrible that he was watching this, but he was resolved to see the defeat of his homeland. He only hoped that there wasn't a repeat of this violence when that defeat finally came.

Frau Bow was happily taking pictures.

Sayla was back at her station, relieved to hear from Amuro that the last Zeon MS forces were withdrawing. "Captain, the Zeon MS are pulling back, Amuro and Kai are all right aside from some electrical burns and dinged up MS."

"Good to hear," Bright said before a series of white flares shot up from the Dabude. They were followed by a transmission from the bridge of the land battleship.

"Call off your bear army, we surrender!" a sobbing soldier begged the White Base. "Our commanding officer ran off to fight the bears, and we haven't heard from him yet. Please, we'll do anything you want, just call them off, we give up!"

Bright folded his hands in his lap and smiled. "Sayla, tell them we accept their surrender, and inform Mrs. Ray to have her bears stand down."

On the ground, Kamaria sat atop her large battle bear, Major Ursa, and listened to Sayla's report. "Oh all right, I don't think I'll be able to stop the rioting prisoners though."

"We're not responsible for them so don't worry," Sayla replied.

Kamaria nodded. "All right." She pulled out a remote and spoke into it. "Stop attacking, and go back to your dens."

Every bear on the base immediately halted their attack, and to the surprise of the surviving Zeon soldiers, the large mammals began leaving, heading towards the nearest exits of the base without incident. Kamaria rested her punt gun on her lap and looked over to the Dabude as one of her bears suddenly tumbled out and landed in a daze. Behind the bear, covered in and bleeding from numerous bear wounds, Colonel von Schneider staggered out and stared at Kamaria.

Immediately, he recognized her. She was that tree-hugging therapist who trained bears for children to hug and cuddle. "You, that woman they call Kamaria! You're responsible for this?"

"Colonel Schneider, so we meet for the last time," Kamaria said as she slid off the back of Major Ursa. Lifting the punt gun, she handed it to the bear, who reared up on his hind legs to properly hold it, and walked towards the Colonel.

"That's Colonel von Schneider to you, Earther Whore!" Colonel von Schneider roared. "I should've expected this from a bestial woman such as yourself!"

The much smaller woman stopped in front of von Schneider, the nearby flames casting their shadows long to their sides as she pointed at him. "Don't take this personally. Were things different, I would've stayed out of your lack of hair. However, my sweet little firebug wanted help, and what mother am I to deny her son that?"

Colonel von Schneider's good eye blinked. "Your son?"

"My little tootsie pie… Amuro," Kamaria said as she grinned. The fire cast a horrific, maniacal gleam in her eyes.

Colonel von Schneider recoiled. "You… you're the mother of Tem Ray's son?"

"Well babies don't simply fall out of the sky." Kamaria reached under her sundress, and pulled out a K-Bar knife from a holster on her thigh.

"It's impossible, Tem Ray wasn't allowed to have a child. How does he have one?" Colonel von Schneider demanded.

Kamaria brought the knife to her lips and licked it slowly. "Since you're not going to tell anyone, I guess it's fine to tell you. When the Federation finally had my Temmy locked up for his terrible crimes, he needed some leverage. That was where I came in… or rather he came in me."

"Impossible, the time table doesn't add up. Tem Ray was in one of the largest and most secure prisons on this rock for years. He didn't have access to some hand lotion and a tissue, much less a woman," Colonel von Schneider shot back.

Kamaria drew a second knife from the holster on her other leg, as she scratched the top of her head with the K-Bar. "That was such a mess too, do you have any idea how many people I had to kill to get into that prison?" Blood began to run down from her hairline, and over her face. "Dozen, easily. But it was worth it, oh it was so worth it."

She licked the blood as it reached her lips. "Most romantic night of my life."

Colonel von Schneider took a step back, as fear threatened to make the hulking man void his bladder and his bowels. "Y-you're insane…!"

"Nine months later, my darling little firebug was born to burn the world down," Kamaria said as she ignored von Schneider's blubbering. "The Federation fears Tem Ray so thoroughly that the thought of his son taking up his life's work, or avenging him in the event of assassination is considered one of their 'Worst Case Scenarios' up there with the Jupiter Empire rolling over on the Earth Sphere, or Laplace's Box opening."

She tilted her head back and chuckled. "You Zeon… you're not even a mild concern to the 'True Elite' of this Federation."

"True Elite? What are you talking about?"

Kamaria suddenly jumped and jammed both knives into von Schneider's thick neck, the angle of insertion crossing them one over the other. She rested her feet on the stomach of the hulking man as he began gurgling up blood, and leaned close to him. "Ah, ah, ah… I answered your question. Now pay the toll for your wisdom."

She kicked off him, swiftly decapitating the Zeon Colonel and sending his head flying through the air with a spray of blood trailing it. Landing, Kamaria looked up at the White Base, and the arriving Gundam and Guncannon as von Schneider's corpse toppled next to her.

"Amuro sweetie… Mommy's glad you're safe," She said cheerfully.


"The airspace is clear, I think it's safe to say that we won this one," Marker informed Bright.

"Damn right we won, but this base's personnel were idiots and we had a literal bear cavalry so it's kind of a gimme," Bright reminded everyone.

Garma nodded. "Yes, we'll run out of idiots eventually and all that will be left are the dangerous enemies."

Bright looked to Sayla. "Sayla, tell the boys to help secure the perimeter. Mirai, find a clear spot to land so we can help with the cleanup."

Before both could acknowledge the orders, an alarm sounded and Oscar called out. "Hey uh, chief, a single aircraft just entered the combat zone. It's bigger than a Dopp but definitely not a Gaw! I'm bringing it up on screen!"

The image appeared projected on the ship's windows, showing a red, wide-bodied craft trailing a broad exhaust trail behind it. Garma of course recognized it immediately. "That's a Dodai YS, a fighter bomber."

"Just one?" Bright asked.

Kai immediately targeted it. "Another easy target."

Then something jumped off the back of the Dodai, which quickly accelerated away. Amuro's eyes widened. "Wait, just one?"

The suit tumbled through the air, before it righted itself and fell towards the Spokane Base face down with its arms spread. It looked completely different from the Zaku, and the Gouf, and was painted dark blue save for its bright red spiked shoulder armor.

Bright suddenly had a bad feeling about this. "Garma…"

"I-I don't know… I've never seen a Mobile Suit like this!"

Amuro aimed his beam rifle up at the new mobile suit, as a bright red glow began to emit from the body of the machine. "…Okay… the fuck is this?"

A feminine voice then spoke across the open channel in an electronic monotone.

"EXAM System. Standby."


A/N: Here comes a thunderstorm. Also, this story has a Tropes page now, you should check it out.