Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Those who lay eyes upon Mobile Suit Gundam shall not live to tell of it.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino
Not a Zaku Surprise 2: Electric Boogaloo

This is the one where we steal all the jokes from Code Ment.

[9.]

Ketamine was a hell of a drug.

Or at least that was the first cognizant thought Kycilia Zabi had as she finally crawled out of the K-Hole that lesser individuals would've stayed at the bottom of. Happy to be back in her body, have basic motor controls, and an awareness of her immediate surroundings, Kycilia sat up on the cot she had been laying on and immediately found her brother sitting in a chair across from her.

"Grama…?" Okay, basic motor controls were green, speech capability not so much.

"I think you're still feeling it," Garma rightly assessed.

"Uh thank uh hamburglar do." Kycilia hoped to God she wasn't being recorded.

She was, not that Garma would say. She was still his sister after all. "If you're not too sure about talking just answer with a simple yes or no, is that all right?"

Kycilia nodded. "Slug."

Garma let out a sigh. "I think you should just nod or shake your head."

Kycilia nodded, and then finally realized that Garma was wearing a Federation uniform, and not sweatpants and a t-shirt like she was. "GRAMA WINKLE TUD FORK?!"

Garma luckily could speak Ketaminese. "I defected to the Federation after I was…" He raised his fingers for air quotes. "… Kidnapped."

"BI?!"

"I don't want to be on the mass-murdering losing side."

"ZEBRA DUB LAWSON!"

"I don't know, they captured me and you, and wiped out half of Odessa's contingent. I think the Zeon are losing."

Kycilia threw her head back and slapped her hands over her face. "Uh cump beeble piss…"

"We also captured much of the Adzam intact."

"Nu…"

"And the Apsalus is still ours."

"Nuuuu…"

"The Black Tri-Stars are dead."

"Ah muh Glob…"

"Ginias and Norris are dead."

Kycillia looked down. "Uh nu tackle… uh keed Goonies."

"Ah yes, thank you for that by the way. He upset Aina pretty badly and was going to kill us all."

"Huh biz Anal?"

Garma completely lost his composure and began laughing. Observing the interview on the bridge, Sayla palmed her face as Bright, Oscar, Marker, and Aina herself laughed as well.

Kycilia glared impotently at Garma, as he raised his hands in apology. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry… it is really funny though."

Her glare became more of a pout that, before she visibly softened at the sight of her younger brother's mirth. "Uh habbo hurr you leff…" She stopped and flushed in embarrassment and frustration.

"Keep it up, you're beginning to make sense." Garma encouraged.

Kycilia sighed. "… Uh… haban… heard… yooo… laff… en… a long time…" She shook her head as it began to finally clear. "You must've really wanted out, didn't you?"

"Well you did throw a live scorpion at Dozle. And then there was the whole mass murder thing."

Kycilia looked away. "Now that I've been captured by the enemy, I'm regretting a few strategic decisions made on my part."

"Only a few?"

"Not splattering Gihren's brain all over Zum City is probably the biggest one."

"As much as that should appal me, I find myself in agreement," Garma admitted. "There's good news though, there's a way out of your inevitable simultaneous hanging, gassing, and lethal injection via bullets coated with ricin."

"Please tell me you're exaggerating."

"No, they've done the research and have figured out to time it just right so it all kills you at the same time with as much pain and suffering as possible."

Bright said aside to Aina, "Tem Ray received a Nobel for it, mainly because he threatened the committee with it."

Kycilia sighed. "So what's my get out of jail free card?"

"It's simple; you betray Dad, Gihren, and Dozle-"

"Done deal."

Garma blinked. "Are you serious? I didn't even explain the rest of the-"

"Do I get to screw over Dad, Gihren, and Dozle?"

"Well, yes but-"

"Done deal."

A long silence fell between the two of them, before Garma's expression illuminated in realization. "That's right, you're a colossal bitch."

"To everyone but you, Garma, but yes."

Garma frowned. "You know, there was that one time in the academy-"

Kycilia rolled her eyes just before cutting him off. "Okay, to everyone, but we're on the same page now, right?"

Garma shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, are we on the same page now?"

He had asked Bright that, who quickly replied via the room's intercom, "Sure, but there are still some details to work out."

Kycilia's eyebrows rose. "Like?"

"Oh, just a few little things, Odessa and how to break the Zeon over our knee like a rotted broomstick immediately come to mind, though."

Ah, they wanted to use her knowledge in order to ensure a swift victory over the Zeon forces protecting Odessa Base, Kycilia realized. Were she a person of integrity and national pride, she'd have happily gone along and used this as an opportunity to lead the White Base into a trap that would doom the lot of them and serve as a great victory to Zeon.

Unfortunately for them, there were only two people in the Principality she'd ever do favors for nowadays, and the one who took priority was right in front of her.

"Tell me, Captain, would you like me to hand the information on my forces' movements, positions, and strengths in detailed writing or in person over dinner?" She asked with softness to her voice that immediately disturbed her little brother ever so slightly.

"Dinner sounds good," Bright replied.

"Really?" Garma asked Kycilia in muted exasperation.

Kycilia smirked to her brother. "What, is it too much to want an audience with the man who has bested Zeon so skillfully?"

Kai, who was the only pilot bumming it out on the bridge, grinned. "Wow, for once someone who doesn't immediately gravitate to Amuro's junk."

"Say one more word and that's it, pocho," Sayla warned.

Before anymore pleasantries could be exchanged, Bright clapped his hands together and magically received everyone's attention. "Much as Sayla washing her hands in Kai's blood would work up my appetite, I'd rather save the savage beatings for the enemy. We have things to do and objectives to achieve before we start pounding Odessa's rear."

"Like?" Kycilia asked.

"Like procuring salt."

Everyone looked back at the rotund Chef Tamura, the God-like chef of the White Base. Despite being a single man in a kitchen meant to be staffed by over a dozen, he cooked all the excellent meals for the crew of the ship and its refugees without tire or complaint… until now apparently.

Bright stared at Tamura. "What do you mean, procuring salt? We're out?"

"We've been out since we left Spokane. I've been leaving notes about it and sending messages to you for weeks now."

"Notes?" Bright pulled out a phone. "Oh that's right, I've been sending texts not on my contact list straight to the junk folder." He checked his junk mail. "Whoa."

"No wonder the fries have been so bland lately," Sayla noted.

"Oh thank God, I thought it was because you had a horrible cook!" Aina admitted, earning a soul-piercing glare from nearly everyone else on the bridge that had nothing but kind words to say about their sole chef.

Bright lowered his phone. "Mirai, stop the ship."

The ship screeched to an abrupt halt above the Iranian countryside, because Minovsky Physics don't give a fuck.

Aina paled. "You're not seriously going to throw me out for that, are you?"

"God no, we wouldn't have stopped for that," Bright said before he clapped his hands twice. "SheZow."

Everyone Bright wanted on the bridge was present. Amuro, Ryu, Hayato, Frau, Garma, and even Kycilia.

Kycilia looked around. "How the fu-?"

"Wizard," Bright curtly answered.

Kycilia slowly, silently nodded.

"All right my walking war crimes, we have a sour situation. We're due to take part in an assault so we can't halt, but we've got a shortness of salt down in the vault."

Ryu raised his hand. "As far as wordplay goes, that left a bitter taste in my mouth, jefe."

"Kill yourselves," Sayla commanded because and in spite of the physical pain that exchange left her in.

"Pretend there is someone amongst us who doesn't speak Asshole, please?" Garma asked.

"The White Base needs salt but we can't exactly swing by a Seven-Eleven to get some. So I'm sending some of you engines of chaos out there to do a little grocery shopping." Bright looked among his peons. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

Amuro raised his hand.

"It begins!" Kai declared.

Bright pointed to Amuro. "You have thirty seconds, sell me."

"We launch a diversionary raid on a town with a heavy Zeon presence, sacking it of its salt (and other, more expensive goodies) and drawing the attention of Zeon away from the White Base reaching and crossing the Caspian Sea. Mobile Suits are optional but we'll definitely need the Gunperry and a truck to carry all the loot."

Bright nodded. "Sold. Now I want to trick this idea out, who can pimp my plan?"

Kycilia spoke up. "Noshahr."

"No Char?" Bright asked.

Kycilia walked over to the White Base's map, showing its current position all up in central Iran, and pointed at a dot on the edge of the Caspian Sea. "Noshahr is here, it's a beautiful, scenic town being used by my forces as a resort for officers and VIPs. As such it has considerable value for a city not on the front line."

Bright hummed. "Yeah, we're doing this."

"Attacking Noshahr?" Kycilia asked.

"That and dinner, I think I wanna bang you."

Mirai perked up as she suddenly got an idea for her next fanfic.

"Well let's do dinner after we've acquired some salt. I prefer my food to not be bland."

Kai opened his mouth, and surprisingly didn't bitch about something. "Am I the only one who thinks that we're being a little too trusting of Kycilia Zabi?"

"For once, he has a valid point," Ryu said.

"Relax, Kycilia has the best possible motivation to help us," Garma reassured.

"I'm a colossal bitch who hates her family," Kycilia said before putting her arm around Garma in a sisterly hug. "Most of them."

Kai hummed. "Well, if it's out of spite that's something I can get behind. I want in on this."

Hayato then tried his hand at introducing reason to a hostile environment. "Guys, can we stop to think about what we're about to do here? We're about to sack a city over some salt."

A long, awkward silence fell on the bridge at that, as Hayato's words sank in. Captain, crew, and prisoners-turned-defectors alike looked back and forth among one another, as if searching for the right thing to say. Fortunately, Mirai lived for moments like these.

"You bring this up like we have human decency you can appeal to."

Bright threw up his hands. "Oh my God, thank you Mirai! I'm so making this a three-fer for that." He looked to Kycilia. "You're down for a three-way, right?"

Kycilia was unsuprisingly receptive to the idea. "Ooh, it'll be just like in my fanfiction."

Mirai looked back at Kycilia in surprise. Finally! A kindred spirit! "We are so doing this."

Any lingering doubts to Bright's claims of wizardry were quashed on the spot.

Amuro saluted his captain in admiration and lust. "Well since this is my idea, I would like to lead the charge! In addition to Kai I'll also need Hayato as our firepower, and Ryu and Frau because salt is heavy and Frau is the best wheelman this side of Ryan Gosling."

"Good initiative, dude. This is why I let you sit at the Captain's table."

"Could've sworn it was because he does his best to please you under it," Kai snarked.

Bright paused for a moment. "… That too."

Amuro cupped his cheeks and blushed. "Captain~!"

Ryu picked up Amuro and hoisted him over his shoulder as he walked for the exit. "Aight that's enough, jefe, Sodium deficiency is bad for the baby, you know? We gotta get that salt."

Hayato sighed and followed. "I guess on the bright side of all this, I'll probably get to shoot something."

Frau brought up the rear. "Is there a McDonald's in Iran? I gotta get my Big Mac on."


The city of Noshahr, Iran, located on the edge of the Caspian Sea. An environmentally conscious and low-industry city, its natural beauty shocked the Zeon conquerors who expected sand and dirt and metal as they had found in Odessa. So much so were the Zeon impressed by the city, that it quickly became a resort town for Zeon Officers and Enlisted, and subsequently a hotbed for defectors and deserters who would rather live peacefully on the beautiful Earth than be killed by its Federation.

Unfortunately for the Zeon and for Noshahr, the White Base was out of salt. But they weren't aware of this particular doom yet.

"If anyone has any ideas, I'm open to them," Rear Admiral Yuri Kellerne said to his gathered audience in a cafe in downtown Noshahr.

At twenty-six years old he, like the late Ginias and the captured Kycilia, attained his unusually high rank for his age by virtue of having a well-connected family in Zum City. Also like the late Ginias and the captured Kycilia, he actually had skills befitting his rank as a capable leader of Odessa's Caspian and Black Sea defense lines. Unlike those dead or captured, however, he had no immediately diagnosable mental problems… unless you count being dead sexy a mental illness.

"Why don't we start first with what won't work?" Crowley asked. She was seated next to Ramba Ral, as usual, and enjoying a cup of coffee.

"Asking nicely, asking forcefully, throwing ourselves to their feet and begging…" Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer growled.

"We don't really have prisoners of political and intelligence value comparable to both Lady Kycilia and Captain Garma, so that's out," Ramba noted.

"I know what won't work, us sitting around in this Tim Horton's acting like a bunch of pussies," Nimbus snapped from the table he was seated at adjacent to the other officers. Sophie Fran and Charlotte Hepner, the latter now a full-fledged Mobile Suit pilot, were in full agreement with Nimbus.

"Yes, it's obvious that words, negotiations, and politics aren't going to work. What we need is decisive action!" Charlotte declared.

Sophie nodded. "We should locate the Trojan Horse and launch a full scale attack."

Charlotte agreed. "A surprise attack from all sides!"

"From many different directions, and with different units," Sophie calmly added.

"And while we're launching this attack, General Revil will ram his Big Tray down our throats," Crowley said, reminding everyone of the some three-million man army building up in western Europe to plunge into Odessa.

"And it will be extra easy for him because Kycilia took half of Odessa's Mobile Forces with her to Cambodia and all that came back was a crying Frenchman and a brat who still somehow has a chip on his shoulder," Ramba added with a glare aimed Nimbus. "Now if anyone has a real idea, I'd like to hear it."

Sophie sighed. "If only we could capture one of the members of The Trojan Horse, then we could ransom them in turn."

"Oh yes, and it won't end exactly like it did last time we captured one them," Lieutenant Lou Roher immediately sniped.

Sophie's calm and matronly facade snapped, and she let out a bestial yell before slamming her fists onto the table. "THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

Nimbus grimaced at Sophie's vicious persona. He had seriously almost hit that.

Yuri smirked, he actually had hit that, but he liked his women batshit insane in the sack.

Charlotte came to the rescue. "Well, hang on… we've learned a lot from the last time. Taking prisoners back to bases of high value? Out of the question, that's just asking for them to send a murder brigade after us with bomber support out of nowhere. What we need to do is exactly as The Trojan Horse does, stay constantly moving while sending mocking propaganda videos to the Federation."

Much as Schmitzer didn't like stooping to the Federation's level on this one, the reality was they were stooping to Zeon's, and no amount of denial or so-called honor would make that go away. "Well, it'd be a fine idea if we had members of The Trojan Horse to capture."

At that moment the doors opened and Amuro, Hayato, and Frau walked in. The three were dressed in civilian clothes, and Frau was even being respectful to the local culture with a modest dress and a headscarf. Frau was also holding a video camera filming their entry into the cafe… and complaining loudly.

"They have a Pizza Hut, twelve Subways, seven Burger Kings, eight Jack In the Boxes, two Dairy Queens, a Sonic and a Swiss Chalet, but there's not a single McDonald's in all of Iran?!"

"I can't believe she's getting bent out of shape over this…" Hayato muttered.

"They have a Chick-Fil-A! A Chick-Fil-A! Why do they have a Chick-Fil-A?!"

Amuro shook his head. "I swear this country hasn't been the same since the Feds accidentally carpet-bombed Tehran twenty years ago. Well at least they have this Timmy Ho's."

"That's another thing-!" Frau began.

He stopped her when they noticed the stunned Zeon officers at their tables frozen, all wearing the same dumbfounded look on their faces. "Oh hey, it's you guys!"

Amuro turned around to the camera, before gesturing to the tables. "It's those Zeon guys we've been fighting. Let's say hello!"

He looked to Hayato as he and Frau headed over to the tables. "Get our coffees, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever," Hayato said as he walked over to the counter.

Trotting over, Amuro sat down next to Yuri at his table, as Frau sat down across from the two men and aimed the camera at them. "So, you're Rear Admiral Kellerne right?"

Yuri stared at Amuro, his eyes going up and down the kid as he tried to determine if this was real life or was it just fantasy.

Amuro took that completely the wrong way. "You're cute and I dig the whole shirtless under the dress coat thing but you're not my type, man."

He drummed his fingers on the table. "So what's up, guys?"

"Why are you here?" Yuri sputtered.

Nimbus was all but stone still, staring at Amuro and slowly reaching for his sidearm.

"Well Frau wanted some Mickey D's but it turns out there's every restaurant chain on Earth but a McDonald's in Iran. Can you believe there's even a Chik-Fil-A."

Crowley couldn't help herself. "Oh, I've eaten there. It's quite good…"

"Lady Hamon…" Ramba growled.

Just a little more, I cannot make any sudden movements, Nimbus thought.

Amuro looked to Ramba. "I never got a chance to say this due to people pointing guns at me and you, but I respect you as an opponent, you have a beautiful significant other right there, and I want to name one of my children after you."

You're not going to even have the chance to breed you piece of shit; I'm going to shoot your balls right off. Nimbus had no idea what he was dealing with, as his hand came even closer to his sidearm.

"I appreciate the compliment but you're still the enemy and this is war," Ramba pointed out.

Amuro waved it off. "Yeah I know, but I felt it had to be said before I killed most of you."

Nimbus almost had his hand on his gun, when Hayato removed it from the holster for him and pressed it against his back. "If you're going to do something, do it."

Schmitzer quick-drew his .44 Magnum to point at Hayato fast as an Ocelot. Hayato was faster than an Ocelot and shot the revolver from his hand with Nimbus's gun. Frau caught the errant revolver in her free hand, spun it, and pointed at Lou before he could get up from his chair and draw his own sidearm. Hayato then drew his own pistol, and pointed it at Sophie before she could get up, while placing the barrel of Nimbus's right up against the base of its owner's skull.

"Okay, I'll be the first to admit that that was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Yuri said in resignation.

"Yeah, pretty much," Lou said as he obeyed Frau's beckon to put his gun on the ground.

Sophie glared at Nimbus, as she too tossed her gun on the ground. "Way to fuck it up, Nimrod."

"Hey, why weren't you watching him sneaking up on me?!" Nimbus snapped at her.

Hayato explained the phenomenon himself, "Oh, that's because no one really pays attention to me in general. It helps to not stand out in a room full of colorful people, you know?"

"Yeah, he could've put a mag in each of you while you were gawking at me like idiots," Amuro said.

"You can't just be here for a gamely chat. What is your game?" Schmitzer growled.

"Can you believe it, we're here for some salt," Amuro replied.

Schmitzer squinted at Amuro. "Salt?!"

"Salt."

"Why salt?"

"Have you ever had French Fries without it? It's terrible."

Charlotte raised her hand. "Then why did you come to Noshahr? Couldn't you have just gone and picked some up at Garabogazköl? You know… the place on the Caspian Sea that's saltier than the actual ocean?"

Amuro looked over at Charlotte, and stared a bit blankly at her. He snapped out of it after three seconds of redhead-induced lust. "Excellent observation and knowledge of geography, but we figured we'd swing by Noshahr and cause as much mayhem as possible amongst Zeon Officers and VIPs while we were here."

Ramba rolled his eyes. "Mission accomplished, then."

"Oh we haven't even gotten started on that yet," Hayato lamented.


At Noshahr industrial harbor, a Zeon soldier was sitting back and smoking a cigarette as he made the most of one of the easiest guard details in all of Zeon held territory. Because of its lack of real strategic value as a resort, its location deep within Zeon territory, and all available forces being needed at Odessa thanks to Kycilia's misadventure, being stationed at Noshahr meant either you weren't cut for Odessa's defense or you had earned the break. There weren't even any Mobile Suits regularly stationed aside from a few old Zaku Is.

And there was nothing they could realistically do about what was about to happen.

A flatbed truck carrying what was certainly the Guncannon covered in a blue tarp, and towing behind it a trailer for stashing ill-gotten booty pulled up. The soldier, seeing it immediately stood up and halted the vehicle. "All right there Mac, what do you have under the tarp?"

Ryu leaned out the window. "The entire cast of Two and a Half Men."

The guard immediately pointed his rifle at the tarp. "The execution's been moved up?"

Ryu had just been joking but okay. "Yeah, Ashton Kutcher said something lewd about Dozle's wife, so he wants to break his neck himself."

"What did he say that was so bad?"

"He said that Lady Zenna loved the shit out of What Happens in Vegas."

The soldier stared. "Now that's not so bad-"

"And his penis."

The soldier turned and fired into the tarp. "FUCK YOU, ASHTON KUTCHER!"

Instead of the satisfying sound of bullets impacting the flesh of a Hollywood A-Lister, there was the alarming twang of bullets ricocheting off Lunar Titanium. The soldier blinked in confusion. "Huh?"

Much to his chagrin and increasing consternation, the Guncannon came to life then, sitting up on the flatbed before standing up and over the soldier, who dropped his gun as it looked down at him.

As he lifted the Guncannon's foot to stomp on the soldier, Kai offered some parting words, "He was good in That 70s Show, prick."

Back at the Tim Horton's.


"… And that's our hilarious plan to steal a bunch of salt from you guys," Amuro said as he finished detailing the parts of the plan where Ryu would drive up to the gates, make a joke at the expense of Ashton Kutcher, and then Kai would proceed to rape everything forever in his big red machine. "… Oh, and anything else of considerable technological, monetary, and sentimental value. On that note, your wallets, watches, priceless personal effects, and weapons, put them on the table please or Hayato starts shooting kneecaps."

"Really, you're robbing us, too?" Yuri asked.

Amuro nodded. "For serious. Hayato?"

Hayato shot Nimbus in the knee.

"OH SHIT MY FUCKING KNEE!"

"You got one left, stop being such a baby about it," Hayato said as Nimbus went down in front of him, howling in pain.

"I have to admit, I like your style," Yuri said as he handed his wristwatch and a gold necklace to Amuro, who put both on as Frau set down the camera to stuff the Zeon soldiers' wallets, phones, guns, and other valuables in the camera bag.

"Yeah, they all do. Except Char, since he be hating. Where is he by the way?" Amuro asked.

Yuri glared a bit. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes actually, and I will. Hayato?"

"Yes?"

"Shoot Miss Hamon in the knee."

Ramba quickly intervened before the boy could. "He went back into space, after Kycilia's capture! Dozle ordered him there."

"I guess it makes sense that we wouldn't find him here. Hayato?"

"Yes?"

"Don't shoot Miss Hamon in the knee."

Crowley looked to Ramba. "You should've let him-"

"And let you suffer like him?" Ramba gestured to Nimbus, quietly pleading with his cartilage to stay inside.

Amuro nodded. "He made the right call; those legs are amazing."

Frau finished putting on Schmitzer's holster and putting the last of his magnum rounds in her pocket. She then pointed the camera at herself and got all squinty-eyed at it. "Did I fire six shots, or only five?"

Reaching up, Amuro turned the camera back around to point at him and Yuri. "And this concludes our latest humiliation of Zeon's best and brightest dispatched against us. We at the Trojan Horse would like to thank all of our viewers and remind them to Like, Comment, and Subscribe to our channel. The ten best comments on this video at the end of the week get free Netflix for one year and playtime on Live with Clan Pegasus."

A tremendous explosion from the direction of the harbor cracked the windows of the Tim Horton's, and Amuro got up. "And that's our signal to leave. I hope Ryu and Kai don't mind their coffee being a little cold."

Cutting off the camera, Frau put it in the bag and prepared to follow them out, when she remembered. "Oh!"

She turned around and went back over to Ramba and Hamon. "Since none of us are allowed to actually do any drugs… I figured you'd want this back. It was real nice of you to give it to me then, so thanks for that."

She handed Ramba the bag of weed he gave her, before she turned and ran back out after the boys.

Ramba looked at the bag of weed for a long time, before he finally pulled out some rolling papers. "Well, does anybody want some before we have to face the horrifying reality of our situation?"

"Me."

"Me."

"Yes, dear."

"I do."

"Roll me up two."

"Yes."

"Uhhhhhrgh…"

"Don't be such a bitch, Schterzen."

Explosions, fire, mayhem, destruction on a vast scale… and for once it wasn't being caused directly by Amuro. The Guncannon waded through another yet warehouse as Zeon soldiers and harbor workers ran in droves from the red mobile suit. Emerging from the other side of the building, the Guncannon aimed its newly equipped weapons, a pair of spray missile launchers mounted in place of its 240mm Cannons.

"You know, I'm starting to understand how pyromaniacs work," Kai admitted as a barrage of missiles fell on several Zeon ships and submarines in harbor and unleashed their metal melting payload of Super Napalm.

"There's a Federation Mobile Suit in Noshahr! Why is there a Federation Mobile Suit in Noshahr?!" A Zeon soldier yelled before a wave of fire consumed him and dozens of other fleeing soldiers.

As the massacre went on, Ryu was calmly at work, loading the last pallets of salt onto the truck with a self-propelled pallet-jack.

"Cat Partay~! Mew! Mew! Mew-!"

Ryu pulled out his cellphone and answered it. "Yo?"

"Hey Big Pun, how's the heist going?" Amuro asked.

"I got the salt… and some other things." Loaded in the trailer were salt, caviar, paintings, Persian carpets, alcohol, and stacks and stacks of gold, platinum, and other valuable things.

"Awesome, we're gonna bring the Gunperry to you so sit tight okay?"

"Yeah no rush, I still got room for some loot."

"How's Kai doing?"

An explosion nearby was drowned out by Kai's mocking laughter. "He's got this."

Up to their waists in water, behind a burning ship, two Zaku Is were hiding. Rather, they were lying in wait for the rampaging Guncannon, which was incinerating a submerged submarine with a flamethrower mounted under its beam rifle's barrel.

"Hey dude," Pilot 1 called Pilot 2.

"Yeah, buddy?" Pilot 2 replied.

"I don't think fire's even supposed to work like that."

"Man, we're so screwed," Pilot 2 lamented as the escaping submarine exploded, taking out another nearby ship with it. "Why'd I even let you talk me into joining the Zeon?"

"Hey I didn't talk you into anything, I wanted to join and you followed me, dude!" Pilot 1 protested.

"You totally talked me into it, and like every other time it's blown up in our faces."

"Bullshit, when did it blow up in our faces last time?"

"Remember the pizzeria back when we were working for those other assholes? I told you my girlfriend had me on that new diet and everything but you talked me into walking a mile down the road and then what? You held the entire staff hostage for like two days!"

"Hey, I called ahead and it still wasn't ready when we got there."

"Then you signed us up for that stupid mountain operation. We got buried alive for two days by a rockslide, and then you started shooting survivors."

"It was just the one guy!"

"I wanted to just go home after that but then you were like, 'Don't worry dude, this next assignment's gonna be a cakewalk.' Then we got hit with a fucking UVARD."

"I still don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be."

By this point, Kai was setting the fire on fire because he had run out of things to burn.

"Point is, this is your fault, and now we're gonna die… but you know what buddy? I can't think of anyone I'd rather die alongside."

Pilot 1 stared at Pilot 2, and his Zaku I suddenly tightened its grip on its machine gun. "Dude… we're not gonna die here. We're gonna jump onto the shore, guns blazing, and we're gonna kick that Guncannon's ridiculous red ass."

Pilot 2 was quiet for a moment, before his Zaku I did the same. "You know what buddy? You're right! Let's go kick his ass."

"Hell yeah!" Pilot 1 cheered.

"Hell yeah!" Pilot 2 repeated.

Their monoeyes glowing, the two Zakus leaped over the burning boat and fell, guns blazing, upon the Guncannon as it turned to look up at them.

Fifteen minutes later, most of the beautiful port city of Noshahr was replaced by a brilliant sea of fire that could be seen from space. Aboard the Gunperry as it fled the sea of fire, Kai climbed out of the Guncannon, still laughing. "They jumped right into the missiles! It was too perfect!"

Amuro was looking out over Kai's handiwork from the back of the Gunperry's container. "You know Kai… I don't like you, but damn do I respect you."

"Damn right," Kai snapped back. "So what did you all do while we were having fun?"

"Oh, driving around town, pullin' random drive-bys on Zeon soldiers we saw on the street. We stopped to get you coffee, and you wouldn't believe who we ran into."

"Char?"

"I wish! It would've made it perfect. All his friends were there though, so we stuck 'em up. Hayato shot Nimrod in the knee before we left."

"Did he cry?"

"Like a little bitch."

Kai nodded his approval. "Speaking of my coffee, you got it how I like it, right?"

Amuro handed him his cup. "Just like you like your men, tall and black."

The two stared at one another and smirked.

Outside of Noshahr, among the civilians turned refugees cast from their homes by the ongoing firestorm, the Midnight Fenrir and Ramba Ral's unit stood in front of Ramba's current ship, a Gallop-class land battleship, watching the conflagration.

"This is what we're up against," Schmitzer said to Yuri, who was still puffing on his joint.

"God damn, how the hell are we supposed to beat these guys?"

"I don't even think we're able to…" Ramba admitted. "If we even want a chance to win this… we're going to need a miracle, and so far the Trojan Horse has the market cornered on them."

A distant howl that many had barely noticed soon became a tremendous roar of jet engines, overcoming the distant roar of the burning city. Hearing them, the Zeon soldiers gathered by the Gallop looked up, and one by one they grew wide-eyed in disbelief at what they saw.


The White Base was all but on the other side of the Caspian Sea, when the Gunperry returned to it, the shoreline well within sight of the ship. The important characters were gathered on the bridge, eating food with actual salt content for once, courtesy of Chef Tamura, who was back down in the galley due to a restored lack of importance.

"And then Frau caught the revolver out of midair and pointed it at a guy without even looking away from the shot," Amuro regaled to Garma and Icelina at the ship's CIC station. "And then Yuri declared it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen."

Garma smiled. "Thanks for not killing Yuri; he's actually a really nice guy."

"Convincible nice?" Amuro asked.

"Well the circumstances would have to be right. Some maniac would have to be willing to do something stupid and insane to get Yuri to turn over."

"Stupid and insane, huh? We've got loads of those guys."

"Not if a regular salt intake has anything to say about it," Bright snapped. "Now eat your damn fries."

"Yes Daddy."

As Amuro dug into his fries, Kycilia chuckled to Bright. "It's not a candlelit dinner in your quarters, but dinner with you is nevertheless interesting, Captain Bright."

Bright smiled. "Wait until you have breakfast."

"I hope that was an invitation."

Garma rolled his eyes. "Oh my God, will you two just go and fuck already?!"

"Can it wait? I'm still on my shift," Mirai requested.

Bright nodded. "I guess we are laying the banter a little thick." He got serious. "Kycilia, what are the exact numbers waiting at Odessa?"

Kycilia got serious too. "Just under a million troops, including reserves. 3500 ground combat vehicles, thirteen land battleships, 1400 aircraft, and about a hundred mobile suits."

Garma nodded assent. "Those are actually higher than the numbers the spooks in Jaburo counted. Except for the MS numbers, that is."

"Well, we did have two hundred Mobile Suits, but a funny thing happened on the way to Cambodia…"

Bright nodded. "Right, that. So Kycilia, that leaves me to wonder… have you any surprises waiting for the Federation or for us at Odessa?"

Kycilia shook her head. "Gihren and Dozle both believe the war will be decided in space so they granted Odessa next to nothing in terms of reinforcements, especially after Garma was captured. We've been emphasizing moving as much as we could to Side 3 before the sleeping giant finally rolled out of bed and right on top of us."

"That's about right," Bright concurred.

"So our role in the operation goes unchanged, then?" Amuro asked.

Bright nodded. "That's right. We approach Odessa from the rear while the Federation spreads the Zeon's lines over a broad front. Once we punch through the rear, it should be like making baby from a candy."

Kycilia then remembered something that residual ketamine had blocked. "Captain, are you familiar with General Elran."

"Huh? He's one of Revil's good ol' boys. Nice guy, real family-oriented type-"

"Well yes, but he's working with the Zeon and intends to hold his forces back on Odessa Day so our forces can flank and take Revil's units by surprise."

There was a momentary pause on the bridge before Bright put on a broad, very agitated smile. "Really, now?"

Before Kycilia could go into greater detail, Marker spoke up. "Hey A Wizard Named Slickback, we got a single contact coming this way fast from the direction of Noshahr and–oh that's not normal."

Bright looked up at Marker. "What's up?"

"It's not a Zeon IFF, or Federation. The ID is just 'Fuck You' over and over."

Bright slowly looked from Marker to the radar screen. "That must be Char."

"ETA?" Garma asked as the dot representing Char closed in uncomfortably fast, faster than a Dopp in fact.

"About five minutes."

Garma looked towards the White Base's team of pilots, and they were already bolting for the bridge's exit like blurs. He then got up out of his seat, and ran after them.

"ETA four minutes…"

Diving for the coast, the White Base leveled off close to the Caspian shoreline as its catapults opened.

"Three minutes…"

Eschewing flight suits due to scramble, Amuro, Kai, Garma, and Hayato jumped into their cockpits and got ready to launch.

"Two minutes…"

The Gundam and Guncannon rocketed out of the ship, and landed on the sands. Right behind them landed Hayato in the Zaku, and Garma in the newly repaired Gouf Custom.

"One minute…"

Bright rolled his eyes. "If you're done dramatically counting down, Marker, mind identifying what the hell Char is in that's coming towards us so fast?"

"It's-"

A yellow beam of light shot down from the sky above and lanced clean through the White Base's left engine block as if it wasn't there. The brilliant explosion of three of the four engines of the left engine block deciding they had enough for the day followed and the ship lurched to port. A second beam shortly followed, taking out the right engine block completely.

"What in the hell?!" Bright yelled.

Kycilia was equally surprised. "What in the hell?!"

"What in the hell?!" Amuro shouted from the ground.

"Well shit." Even Kai was afraid.

Following the path of the beam, Garma looked to the sky as a horrified realization dawned on him. "That was a beam rifle… which means…" His eyes grew wide when he saw Char's new ride. "Are you fucking kidding me."

Plunging out of the afternoon sky, a trail of condensation left by its thermonuclear jet engines, a salmon pink Gouf Flight Type with a backpack that resembled the main body of a Dopp hurtled in a dive towards them, its red monoeye shining brightly as it aimed a long, scoped beam rifle down at the Gundam.

Inside the cockpit of his Gouf Flight Type, Char gave a tense grin. "Here Comes Char!"

He opened fire on Amuro, who jumped back from the beam shot. "Nope!"

Taking aim, Amuro fired up at the Gouf, which suddenly changed direction to avoid the shot. It was then that he realized that Char now had the freedom of three dimensions just like in space. "Oh man, not this shit again."

The Gouf Flight Type was in front of the Gundam, kicking it in the face and onto its back. "God damn it!"

Kai aimed the Spray Missile launchers at Char's machine and opened fire, filling the immediate spacetime in front of him with super-napalm laden death. Moving like a salmon blur from side to side, the Gouf kindly said fuck you to Kai's attack before disappearing completely from the path of it.

Not slouching, Kai looked around quickly for his target. "Okay, I'll give him this. That was kind of cool-!"

"OH SHIT!" Hayato yelled as his Zaku II lost both its arms and head to the Gouf Flight Type.

"Really, you didn't even do anything you useless-!" A narrow heat cable, identical to the Gouf Custom's, struck the Guncannon, interrupting Kai. "Hey, don't you remember? Shock absorb-BIRIBIRIBIRIBIRIBIRIBIRI!"

The Gouf Flight Type's electrical shock far surpassed the standard and custom models in effectiveness, overloading the shock absorbers and shutting the Guncannon down. Recalling the wire, Char chuckled.

"This is no Gouf, bitch! No Gouf!" Before Char could cap it with a laugh, he heard a ringing and spun and flipped about in the air to avoid the tracers from the shield gatling of Garma's Gouf Custom. When Char stopped dancing and fired on the other Gouf, Garma had jumped clear of the beam rifle shot. Spinning the other way, Char fired again, and Garma dodged.

This is the worst. I can't hit Char like this! Garma was tense as the Gouf Flight Type bore down on him in a rapidly increasing spin. "Ah shit-!"

Garma opened fire, but Char barrel-rolled around the tracers before landing behind the Gouf Custom. Garma looked back even as the impulses were flying from his brain to act.

"Garma, is that you in there?" Char asked as his Gouf Flight Type began to spin around.

Everything after that went so fast, Garma wasn't even sure how he survived the uppercut from the heat sword that the Gouf Flight Type carried. Or at least he thought it was a heat sword, it wasn't glowing red like a…

He instinctively raised his shield Gatling to block the sword, and watched in dismay as the blade cleaved through the shield and arm of the Gouf Custom with the ease of a beam saber, the edges of both halves red hot. "… Oh… it's a High Frequency blade."

As the two halves fell away, Garma saw the Gouf Flight Type's eye flash as it raised the sword. The eye then swiveled to the left and Char jumped back from a beam rifle shot that passed between the two Goufs.

"Hey Char, what I'm about to say will make you forget about everything else here and come after me!" Amuro taunted.

Char smirked. "I was about to come after you anyway, but okay. Try me."

Amuro grinned. "I fucked your sister!"

Char's expression went blank.

"Oh I'm sorry I was using the wrong tense. I fuck your sister. Daily. She loves it."

Garma had to hand it to Amuro, for an amoral maniac he certainly knew how to make the most of his assets to ensure the survival of his teammates. He looked to Kai. "Damn it, Shiden you had better not be dead!"

As Char kicked the Gundam back a hundred meters, the Guncannon was already getting up. "I'm-zzt-fine. I'm ju-zzt trip-zzt-ping ball-zzt right now-zzt."

"Is your radio okay?"

"What? My radi-zzt-o i-zzt fine-zzt." Kai said. "Why-zzt?"

Garma looked as Char kept kicking the Gundam while it defended with its shield. "No reason. We gotta counterattack!"

"We already did that joke," Mirai quipped.

"Not now, Yashima!" Garma barked.

Underneath the barrage of bicycle kicks, Amuro endured before the Gouf performed a double stomp on the Gundam's shield. Bracing himself, he shoved the Gouf into the air. "New MS, still the same easy to tweak bitch!"

"You're just trying to kill yourself, aren't you?!"

"Do I have to put it in writing?!" Amuro asked before he dodged another beam rifle shot.

"You are a whole new level of stupid!" Char fired several more times, Amuro dodging each time, before he got in close, fast.

"Ah but who is stupider…?" Amuro pointed the beam rifle at the Gouf Flight Type's chest. "The person trying to kill himself or the person who just left himself wide open to an attack by the person pretending to kill himself?"

He fired the beam rifle at point blank, and under every other known circumstance he would've gotten the kill. However, today he was up against Char who was in the mood to go all out.

The beam was so close it left a scorch mark on its side; the Gouf Flight Type went to Amuro's right and into a baseball slide behind it. Looking back, Amuro gave a start when the heat cable suddenly locked onto the Gundam's back. The line going taut, the Gouf Flight Type winched itself in at high speed with thruster assist, and shoulder-barged the Gundam into the Caspian surf.

"Holy fucking shit!" Kai yelped.

"Five battleships at Loum! Does that not mean anything to you at all?!" Garma asked, before the Gouf Flight Type's monoeye swiveled onto them. "Ah… fuck."

Kai targeted the Gouf Flight Type with his beam rifle, but the MS was already racing straight up into the sky. "Shit, move faster you piece of shit!"

Obediently, Char easily dodged Kai's beam fire before diving straight down for the Guncannon from above. Seeing the flash of steel, Kai unleashed a blast of super napalm from the underbarrel flamethrower at the Gouf Flight Type. It missed, before Kai was kicked in the back, and then in the side. Char kept moving, hitting him from different directions and angles faster and faster, before he finished the Guncannon off with a kick that lifted it off the ground and sliced off its head and both its spray missile pods.

Another kick sent the Guncannon crashing into the Gouf Custom, before the Gouf Flight Type landed in the sand.

"Now… about you fucking my sister…" Char trailed off as the Gundam rose from the crashing surf, its eyes glowing as it tossed aside the damaged beam rifle and drew a beam saber. Putting away his own beam rifle, Char readied his wicked little sword, smirking as the air wavering around it from the high speed vibrations.

"I'm not even mad."

The Gundam and Gouf Flight Type charged one another, the Gundam advancing with its shield held in front of it as the Gouf Flight Type raised its sword. At the last moment, the Gundam shoved its shield forward and the Gouf Flight Type sliced clean through it.

The Gundam was gone, but Char wasn't worried.

"While we're on the subject of family…!" Char suddenly turned and slashed horizontally, barely missing the Gundam as it ducked low and thrust for his cockpit. Missing his stab, Amuro tried to slice through the Gouf Flight Type, but Char leaped and spun over the Gundam to kick it in the back and face down into the sand.

"This Gouf was a personally built and fine-tuned present to me from your father, Tem Ray. He calls it 'The Humbler' and I think it's a pretty spot on nickname!"

Shaking his head from being knocked around in the cockpit, Amuro glanced back at Char. "So… no wonder you're kicking my ass now. You ran to my Dad to help."

"You are a genetic monstrosity forged by that man and piloting a machine created by him from start to finish. I feel no shame."

Amuro nodded. "That's a fair point."

"Now then, I could carry on with you at length at how great your Dad is for seeing the need for you to be put in your place, but I can fly and you can't. So I'm going to go trash your ship. Bye~!" With that, the Gouf Flight Type shot off into the sky and towards the White Base, which had just leveled off and was now bristling with anti-air defenses.

"So our MS Team just got frog-stomped and the stomper's heading our way," Oscar reported.

Kycilia looked in Bright's direction. "I hope you have a way out of this."

"Only one really." Bright looked to Sayla. "Patch me through to him."

Char had redrawn his beam rifle and was ready to launch his attack run, when Bright radioed him. "Char, you kicked my bitches around and you must be happy about that but I'm warning you: keep attacking the ship and you're going to have a bad time."

Being directly called by Bright momentarily took Char off guard. "Bright Noa?"

"I'm serious. Shoot at my ship again and you will not leave happy," Bright warned as Mirai turned the White Base away from Char, its smoking engines creating a dense pall of smoke between it and the Gouf Flight Type.

"Are you seriously trying to intimidate me now?" Char asked.

"Not really, just wasting your sweet time." With that several salvoes of beams pierced the smoke billowing from the White Base, forcing Char to choose between being a prick and being a dead prick.

Char chose wisely and dodged. "What?"

"Sorry we took so long getting our flight suits on and shit," Ryu said as two aircraft best described as a pair of Core Fighters attacked to a sleek, beam-cannon armed fighter jet smoke and straight for the Gouf Flight Type.

"But now that we're here, let's show Char who really owns the sky!" Frau called from the second Core Booster fighter.

Char regained his composure. "Fighter jets, that's your big trump card?" He aimed his beam rifle at them. "Sorry to disappoint-"

Before he could shoot, both fighters suddenly blurred and vanished from his sights like he was known to do to Amuro. "The shit?"

Alarms only started beeping before Char narrowly dodged a pair of beams from Ryu's Core Booster, the fighter diving at him from above. Spinning to the side to dodge several more, Char aimed up and fired at Ryu, his trio of beams each missing the fighter by less than a foot as the Core Booster did a barrel to avoid them.

Dashing to the side to avoid a collision, Char fired down at the passing Core Fighter, and missed again as it pulled out of its dive and skimmed the ground to kick up a cloud of sand up behind it. Before Char could get a lead his target, he was suddenly attacked by missiles from Frau's Core Booster, and raced off into the sky to avoid the barrage of heatseekers.

It turned out that the Gouf Flight Type's tremendously powerful engines gave of tremendous amounts of heat that the missiles hungered for even through the Minovsky interference. Spiraling and turning rapidly through the air, Char did his very best to dodge the missiles and their explosions as they got close, between using carefully timed beam rifle shots to shoot down those he couldn't dodge.

"Okay… did not… expect… this…!" Char admitted before he dodged even more beams from Frau's pursuing Core Booster. Turning around, he charged straight for the Core Booster, and swung the HF Blade for its left wing. "Gotcha bi-!"

The Core Booster snap-rolled away from the sword and around the sword, easily avoiding the slash and leaving Char open and in Ryu's sights. Dodging his beams by an even narrower margin than Ryu had dodged his, Char turned and fired on the attacking Core Booster, only to miss his shots as the ace fighter pilot banked away from the beams.

A low minovsky particle count alerted Char; his Beam Rifle had no more shots. "Really?!"

More beams, this time from Frau, forced him even harder on the defensive, before he shoved himself clear of the Core Booster. "You know what? I'm starting to get a little pissed off!"

Turning around almost on a dime, Frau huffed as the G-Forces slammed her into her seat before she pointed her nose straight for Char. "You're 74 years too early if you think you can bring a Mobile Suit to a dogfight!"

Char readied the HF Blade as the Core Booster closed in. "And you're a raging idiot if you're going to bring a fighter jet to a sword fight!"

"Oh, I got that covered!" Frau shouted back as hatches on the Core Booster's back, belly, and sides opened up and ignited a total of four very large beam sabers.

Char naturally reacted to this surprise with understandable alarm. "The fuck is this?!"

Laughing maniacally Frau went into a spin towards the wide-eyed Red Comet, becoming a giant whirling rotor of pink death.

Turning away, Char fled from the spinning Core Booster until the last second, where he doubled back and barely passed in the gap between two of the sabers thanks to every ounce of his nerve and concentration. "The fuck was that?!"

Free of Frau, he narrowly avoided a shower of beams and missiles from Ryu… before a much larger barrage of missiles from the White Base began to converge on him.

Seeing the missiles, and Frau beginning to come back around, Char shook his head. "They've adapted this fast to this machine… are they Newtypes or something?"

"Sounds like you're having a bad time out there Char," Bright observed.

Char rolled his eyes. "You know what-?"

Bright pointed fabulously at the Gouf. "The next thing you're going to say is 'Fuck you, I'm leaving'."

Char growled. "… Fuck you, I'm leaving!" He stopped for a moment, groaned, and then abruptly turned and redlined the engines, sending the Gouf Flight Type blasting away from the converging missiles and the pursuing Core Boosters.

Ryu whistled as he watched the Gouf turned rocket flee for the horizon. "Damn, what the hell was that thing?"

"The Humbler," Amuro said as the Gundam hauled itself to its feet. "My Dad made it for Char."

"Oh shit, jefe…" No wonder it kicked their asses.

"So…" Frau Bow began.

"Yes?" Bright asked.

"Can I go after him?"

Much as he'd happily let her… "I'm gonna go with no, we have ourselves a problem."

"What's that?" Amuro asked.

Bright sighed. "BRB, crashing."

With a rumble of metal gouging through the Earth and trees toppling over, the White Base came crashing to the ground… its engines shot and its Minovsky Craft system unable to pick up the slack anymore.


A/N: Oh snap, cliffhanger- *The door is kicked down* The shit?!

Purpleeyeswtf: HAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

OH SHI- *DEAD*