1 A Day In The Life Of A Battle Droid

By 2ie!

Note to George Lucas: Hey man, this is just a story, ok? I don't own these characters…yet. Wait until I've been a top computer exec for a few years, and then we'll "negotiate." Fwahahaha!

Nute Gunray's voice boomed over the loudspeaker. "Attention! All battle units in sectors 4 and 5 wake up and report to the bridge immediately!"

Beep…beep…activating main power unit…activating memory cells… activating motor center… all systems on… Good morning. My name is JK-X12. I am a Battle Droid programmed to serve the Trade Federation under the leadership of Viceroy Nute Gunray. I have been all over with the Federation… I had fought on Naboo ten years ago against the Gungans; I had helped round up a group of rebels on Alderaan; and I was one of the survivors of the battle on Gienosis. (Did I spell that right?) Each time, several of my counterparts were slaughtered, but I was fortunate to have survived. I used to enjoy what I did, but lately I've been beginning to think there must be more out there…

"Hey!" said my counterpart PC-M13, "Let's go! Master Gunray wants us on the bridge NOW!"

"Roger, roger!" I said, and I joined the line of droids marching through the halls of the contol ship, where the Viceroy was waiting for us.

"…And then the Jawa says, 'You're sitting on it!'"

"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed Nute Gunray, "Brilliant, Lord Sidious, brilliant!" He turned when he heard his droids enter. "Ah, units 4 and 5! I have a mission for you!"

"What is it, sir?" asked ID-J04, the leader of unit 4.

"We need you to go to Dantooine. We have word that a group of Jedi is planning to raid our base there, and we are in immediate need of reinforcements."

"Why must we always fight Jedi?" I grumbled, if droids can grumble. Gunray turned to me.

"JK-X12! Why do you complain?"

I immediately snapped back to attention. "I am sorry, sir!"

"Make sure. Now, unit 4, you take the M-type Nubian to Dantooine, and unit 5, you will take the smaller starship, Annihilator. You leave in one hour! You are dismissed."

Our group split up, and Gunray turned back to Darth Sidious. "Hey, did you ever hear the one about the Tusken Raider and the Correlian?"

"No," said the Sith Lord, leaning on his cane, "Tell me."

"Okay, well…"

I slowly marched down the hallway of the control ship with KM-P13. "You know," I said, "It seems like all we do is go on missions, complete it or die trying, then get more missions. There's gotta be more to life than this!"

"But that's all we're programmed for, JK-X12. Wanting more seems to be out of our programming."

"Well, I don't know…" I said, "I want some adventure."

"Is not killing Jedi, slaughtering animals, and being evil adventure enough?"

"It used to be…" I began, but then KM-P13 put his finger to his head.

"I'm sorry, but I am needed in sector 8." He turned and marched down an adjacent hallway, leaving me to continue alone. Suddenly, from the opposite direction, a silver protocol droid came around the corner. It was T-C14.

"Is everything ok, JK-X12?" she asked as she passed me.

"I don't know…" I replied, "I'm just starting to want more than life in the Federation."

"I see. Well, try to be happy here. You have thousands of counterparts who you can talk to, you have a kind master…"

"Oh, my master…" I grumbled, turning away. "That green bastard doesn't care about me, or you, or any of us! He just wants to win. He doesn't care how many droids die doing it."

"I beg your pardon," said T-C14, "But Master Gunray has always been kind to me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to report to the contol room."

I walked back to the droid storage room in sector 5. I figured I may as well go on standby for a half hour until we left. Beep…beep…shutting down main power drive…shutting off motor center…leaving vital functions only…power off.

"Let's go, droids! Time to leave!" boomed the loudspeaker.

Beep…beep…activating all systems… I stood up and followed my unit down to the docking bay. Viceroy Gunray was waiting for us.

"All right, unit 4! Take the Annihilator into hyperspace until 0200 and you should emerge in the Dantooine system. The Jedi will not be arriving until 0600, so you have plenty of time to set up your battlestations. Along with your unit, you have a sub-unit of Destroyers to assist you. Any questions?"

I spoke up. "Do you care how many of us get killed?"

The question took him by surprise. "What?"

"Do you actually care how many droids die in this 'mission' of yours? I bet you don't, since you can build 2,000 more in a day."

Gunray fumbled for words. "Do not be stupid, droid! Of course I care! Each one of you matters to me!"

"Bullshit…" I muttered.

"Okay, then, proceed on the ship immediately!"

We marched up the ramp, but Gunray grabbed my shoulder and pulled me aside. "Just so you know," he whispered fiercely, "We can only make 1,500 a day. Now go!

On board the ship, we fit ourselves into our storage compartments, where we would remain on standby until we arrived on Dantooine.

"Hey, who's the pilot here?" asked a droid.

"I am!" said a voice from the cockpit, and a man in a cape strode into the room.

"Chancellor Palpatine! How are you the pilot here?"

Palpatine smiled. "Ask 2ie. He wrote this fanfic, not me. Now please get on standby. We will take off shortly."

We were awakened by Palpatine's voice on the cockpit radio. "All right, droids, we have arrived. Please report to the cockpit."

Beep…beep…yadda yadda yadda… I pulled myself from the storage compartment and went with my counterparts into the cockpit, where Palpatine addressed us.

"All right, troops. It is now 0200. The Federation base is 2.7 miles from here. I have arranged for 12 speeders to transport you and the Destroyers there. According to the Viceroy, the Jedi arrive at 0600, so you must have your battlestations set up by then. I am confident that we will be victorious."

"La-dee-da." I muttered.

"Is there a problem, droid?" snapped Palpatine, glaring at me. "I can easily deactivate you and think nothing of it."

"No problem, sir." I said angrily.

"Then go now!"

As we marched into the sunlight, I grumbled to myself, "What does he think he is, an Emperor?"

Palpatine smiled to himself. "Emperor…I like that title…"

The small landspeeders cruised over the rocky surface of Dantooine, and soon our base came into view. The speeders came to a stop, and all the droids got out and marched in the front door.

"Ah, the reinforcements have arrived!" exclaimed General LK-Z88. "Excellent! We are concerned about the imminent Jedi raid here."

"Glad to be of service." Said UV-S33. "We are always ready to serve."

"Most excellent. Come, we have no time to lose! Destroyers, proceed to quadrant 12's north and south stations! You droids, come with me."

As the Destroyers balled up and rolled down the north hallway, we followed the General to a hidden tower on the east edge of the base.

"Half of you remain here and man these plasma guns. The rest of you, go to the west tower and do the same."

"Roger, roger!" came the general reply.

The time ticked slowly by. I sat with my pointed head in my hand, leaning on the gun. "This bites." I muttered. "I wanna go home." Bored as hell, I blasted a couple of salamanders crawling on the rocks.

Suddenly, a droid shouted, "Stay sharp! Here they come!"

Four robed figures appeared out of the mist, coming towards the base. They obviously didn't see us…yet.

"You Jedi!" shouted the unit leader, "You are not welcome here! Be gone or be destroyed!"

We didn't give them time to answer, and all the plasma guns and blasters began firing at them at once. In a flash their lightsabers were activated, blocking each shot. I relentlessly fired my blaster, not so much because I wanted to kill the Jedi but because I was angry as hell. But of course, each shot was blocked. The Jedi made it out of our range and burst into the front door.

"Man, you guys," said 2ie, breathing heavily as they ran inside, "I know I like to get involved in my fanfics, but this is ridiculous!"

"Well, you're doing a good job." Said Obi-Wan. "Don't focus on the negatives."

"He gives the same advice to everyone." Whispered Anakin.

"Let's concentrate!" said Mace Windu, "Or we'll never get through here!" 2ie grinned and followed them deeper into the base.

"Attention! Attention!" I called over the radio, "The Jedi have entered the building! All Destroyers from sector 12 and all battle units follow them!"

We all ran into the building and tracked the Jedi. We finally found them finishing off a pair of droid officers. I aimed my blaster at them.

"Freeze, Jedi scum!"

They turned, lightsabers glowing. "Never!" bellowed Mace Windu.

"All right boys," said TM-O99, "Fire at will!" We all fired our blasters at them nonstop.

"Boy," said 2ie as he swung his yellow lightsaber, "I didn't realize how much fun this is!"

"Wait till you get shot! Then tell me how much fun it is!" shouted Anakin over the noise.

Just then, the Destroyer units rolled in and activated themselves.

"Master, Destroyers!" shouted 2ie.

"I'm not your master," said Obi-Wan with a glare. "You're just along for the ride."

The Destroyers engaged their shields and began firing.

"Damn it, I hate these things!" yelled Anakin.

"Hate is the path to the Dark Side, young padawan…" began Obi-Wan.

"Don't pull that crap on me now, Master! I'm really not in the mood!"

"Don't worry," said Windu, "I have something to subdue these assholes." He removed a small, square box from his robe and threw it at the Destroyers. They immediately fell, deactivated.

"What the hell was that?" whispered the droid next to me.

"Destroyer deactivation box. Comes from Couruscant. Very expensive but very useful." Said another.

"Watch this," said 2ie, and he threw down a smoke bomb. There was a giant cloud of smoke, and when it cleared, the Jedi were gone.

"Son of a bitch!" I cried.

"Split up!" said the leader. "You droids go that way, we'll go this way! Hurry!"

The Jedi bolted into an empty storage room, breathing heavily.

"I think we lost them..." gasped Anakin. They deactivated their lightsabers and squatted down. Mace Windu pulled out a map of the base.

"The main reactor is located on the third floor, in the very center of the base." Said Windu. "If we keep up at the rate we've been going, we should be done in no time."

"What if more reinforcements show up?" asked 2ie.

"Don't trouble yourself about that now. With luck we should be done before any can arrive."

"I have a bad feeling about this." Said Anakin.

"Be mindful of your feelings." Said Obi-Wan.

"May the Force be with us." Said Windu.

"Close the blast doors!" shouted 2ie. Everyone stared at him. "What? What? I'm allowed to say a quote, too, aren't I?"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. Come on, let's go."

The Jedi thought they had lost us, but they hadn't. I stood near the door, listening. I then called over the radio, "General! Their plans are to destroy the main reactor!"

"Good work, JK-X12! I shall send a troop of Destroyers to the reactor room immediately!"

"I still have a feeling we won't be able to beat them..." I said.

"Well, do you have a better idea?"

"I think I do. Where's the maintenacne room?"

The Jedi stole down the halls of the base, fending off droids as they went. Anakin and Obi-Wan extended their hands, and a bunch of droids went flying backwards.

"Let me try that." Said 2ie, and he stuck his hand out, but nothing happened. "Hey! Why can't I do it?"

"Cause you're not a God damn Jedi!" screamed Anakin. "You're just a stupid author who decided to be cute and put yourself in the story! You're lucky you know how to use a lightsaber!"

"Oh...right." said 2ie, and they continued to battle their way down the hall towards the reactor room. Suddenly, Anakin froze.

"What is it, my padawan?" asked Obi-Wan.

"We're getting a distress signal from Naboo! Listen!" He held up his comlink, and through the static they could make out a girl's voice.

"Help! You have to help us! 50,000,000 Battle Droids have invaded Theed City and we are in desperate need of your presence! Please hurry...we don't know how much longer we can...AAAAHH!!!"

"That was Padme!" cried Anakin. "We've got to go help her!"

"But don't you think we should destroy the base first?" asked 2ie.

"I think for once we must trust Anakin's judgement." Said Windu. "Let's go, quickly." They ran the other way towards the exit.

From the communications room, I laughed. The voice altering chip I had found down in maintenance had saved our asses! The Jedi were leaving! I strode proudly back to the main room, where all the droids were clapping. (If droids can clap, that is.)

"Well done, JK-X12, well done! You have saved our base!" said the General.

"Thank you, sir."

"Well, troops," said the General, "Your mission is over! We thank you again! You may return to your speeders now."

We formed two lines and marched out into the sunlight to our speeders and zoomed back to the ship.

"You kick ass, dude!" said the droid next to me.

"Thank you." I said.

When we returned to the Annihilator, there was a wrinkly, hooded old man sitting in the cockpit.

"Welcome back," he said. "I have been expecting you."

"Hey! Where's Palpatine?" I asked.

"I am he... and you now call me Emperor. Now get to your storage units."

We arrived back on the control ship in two hours, and marched into the control room where we were greeted by Nute Gunray.

"Ah, welcome back, troops," he said, "And congratulations on a job well done!"

"Roger, roger!" we all said.

"You are now free to attend any business you wish. Dismissed!"

After my counterparts left, I went up to Gunray and whispered, "You know, it was really ME who saved the whole base."

"So? You are but one droid out of thousands. Who exactly did it is of no significance. Now be gone!"

That did it. I was now angrier than ever at the whole damned Federation. I walked down the hallway that lead to the storage area, but I instead took a side door that led to one of the small fighters attached to the ship. I got in, and took off, muttering, "See you in hell, Federation!"

Hours later, I sat on a dock on Kamino, letting the rain pound into me. It didn't bother me anymore. I was free from the Federation, but now I had nowhere to go. I hung my pointed head and considered jumping into the roaring ocean below. Then I heard a voice behind me.

"Something the matter, my young droid?"

I turned to see a tall man in a black cape standing there. He had thick, dark hair and caring eyes.

"You could say that." I said, turning back to the water.

"Rise, my mechanical friend, so that I may talk with you."

I reluctantly got to my feet and started walking with the man. "Who are you?" I asked him.

He smiled. "You can call me Sid. I understand you're not happy with the Trade Federation."

"Damn right! We do nothing but go on boring and dangerous missions, and then stupid Gunray doesn't even give two craps!"

"Do you really believe that?" soothed Sid.

"Yes! He wouldn't even congratulate me for saving the base. He doesn't care about any of us!"

"My dear droid," said Sid, shaking his head, "That's simply not true. The Viceroy loves every one of you."

"Yeah right!" I said. "I highly doubt that. He even told me that he could make 1,500 more in one day, so why should he even worry?"

"Because...he sees you as his children."

I jerked my head up. "Yeah, okay."

"Don't believe me, do you? Fine, take a look at this." Sid raised his hands and an image of the bridge of the control ship appeared. Gunray was standing there, his green hand on his chin. A Destroyer rolled up to him.

"Did you find him?" asked Gunray.

"No, sir. He does not appear to be on the ship."

"Blast it! I was going to throw him a party for singlehandedly winning today's battle, but..." He put his hand over his eyes. "Why would one of my droids leave me? What have I done?" The image disappeared.

"So you see?" said Sid, placing a hand on my shoulder. "The Viceroy does care about you."

I was silent.

"Come. I will fly you back to the ship."

"Okay." I said, and we walked together back to his starship.

Back on the control ship, Sid took me to Gunray.

"Ah, JK-X12!" he cried. "I am SO glad you are back! You had me worried sick."

"Sorry, sir." I said. "Please forgive me."

"Of course, of course. Now, why don't you go tell the others you are back?"

"Roger, roger!" I exclaimed, and marched out of the room. Maybe life wasn't so bad here, I thought. I guess I always was happy here. I'd just have to try harder to stay that way.

Back on the bridge, Gunray turned to Sid. "Thank you, Lord Sidious, thank you."

"Think nothing of it." Said the Sith Lord, putting his hood back over his head. "Can you see my eyes still?"

"A little bit, yes."

Sidious adjusted the hood. "How about now?"

"No, now you cannot see them."

"Excellent." Sidious and Gunray walked over to the window. "Now," began Sidious, "About this party..."

"Yes, yes...it is tonight. It will be most excellent."

"Can I invite my friends Tyranous and Maul?"

"Absolutely. What's a party without Sith, after all?"

THE END!!!

This story done by Paul "2ie" G! Sideshowmel601@aol.com