Author's Note: This took me waaaaaaay too long to get out. But I have been very tired and very busy, and hey: it's here. So, y'know... I got it done eventually. Enjoy. Enjoy.
And props to Elf, for helping me come up with the idea that I horribly mutated and corrupted to write this.
And since I need to promote myself shamelessly... I have started making and selling original fiction. Please see my Author Profile for links, and I appreciate any support you choose to give. More, I hope you enjoy enough to comment. It's something I've always wanted to do, and... I just hope I'm good enough to do it. ^_^
Einzbern File #EXTRA: Post-Mission Debriefing
Ilya made a sound somewhere between a growl and a sigh. "More."
Sella coughed politely. "Milady, you and your guests have already consumed roughly eight gallons. Perhaps you..."
Ilya's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'll tell you when I've had enough!" She snarled, waving her cup menacingly.
Sella sighed. "As milady wishes. Another bowl of triple-chocolate cookie explosion ice cream, then?"
Rin raised her head. "Make it another here, too," She said, wiping the chocolate from her mouth.
"Another all around!" Sakura crowed, actually appearing to vibrate slightly from the roughly a pound of pure sugar she had inhaled. "The chocolate makes my emotions numb!"
"... … … Sakura might have had enough," Ilya admitted.
"Rowr," Beauregard said.
"It's a bit late to start agreeing with me now, traitor," Ilya said.
"If Saber weren't here, I would make you into boot lining," She hissed.
"Rowr." Beauregard said sadly.
"Do not worry, my friend. You are under my protection," Saber said.
"Rowr," Beauregard said, a bit smugly.
"Someday. Someday," Ilya said softly.
"... you guys, this is wrong," Rin said.
"I agree! Nobody has given me my next bowl of ice cream and I think I literally need the sugar to live at this point!" Sakura said, possibly just a bit too quickly. "My heart might stop soon! Chocolate please!"
"No, I mean... why are we doing this? Why are we moping? So this one guy didn't like us. He's just one guy," Rin said. "You know, I bet we could go out and find other guys."
"It wouldn't be the right guy." Ilya said.
"Why is that so bad? I mean, what was so great about Shirou?" Rin asked.
"He was... he was so very Shirou," Saber said. "No other man, I feel, possesses his unique and unassailable Shirouness..."
"You just liked him because he was an awesome cook," Rin said accusingly.
"... the food was so good," Saber said, a single tear running down her face. "Each day brought new and exotic culinary delights. I had the greatest meals of my life in that house... have you ever had English cooking? Medieval English cooking, no less? It is like gazing into the heart of Hell, and then putting that same Hell inside your mouth. Shirou's food brought light to my existence."
"Yes, but there are other guys who can cook, Saber. And y'know, girls if you're into that sort of thing... not that... not that you necessarily are, but if you were, it might..."
"... shut up, Sakura."
"If you want me to shut up, then maybe you should get me some ice cream, woman!" Sakura snarled.
Ilya sighed. "You know, I do think that Rin has a point. Oh, not about going lesbian... that's her own repressed issues right there..."
"I'm not repressing! I'm... I'm not saying that I would be going into girls, just that... that Saber might want some food from... women who... women who cook," Rin said rather weakly. "I wouldn't be the one who was cooking it. Necessarily."
"That's right, sweetie. If the closet fits, you just stay right on in it. I'm sure it's really snug in there," Ilya said soothingly.
"I am not in the..."
"But Rin does have a point about this whole situation being not good for us!" Ilya said. "I mean, Saber is weeping over cooking and stealing secondhand lions."
"I didn't steal him, he asked to be my companion," Saber said defensively.
"Rowr," Beauregard said.
"And Sakura has eaten what I think might very well be a lethal dose of ice cream," Ilya said.
"I can hear my own heartbeat!" Sakura said cheerfully. "In fact, I can hear everyone's heartbeats, and they are telling me that I need more ice cream!"
"We really are kind of pathetic here," Ilya said. "So what do we do about it?"
"We could have more chocolate because the chocolate makes my blood sing," Sakura suggested brilliantly.
"... okay, wow, how much of that stuff have you had?" Ilya asked. "I'm genuinely worried about you now."
Sakura flashed all ten of her fingers too quickly to be seen. "This much!"
Ten minutes later...
As Sakura was loaded onto the ambulance, the other girls looked on. "Well, we know what Sakura will be doing for the foreseeable future," Ilya said. "Getting her stomach pumped. Not exactly the... ideal solution, but y'know, at least she has a plan. That's a step in the right direction."
"Food is dangerous to the uninitiated. She should have trained harder," Saber said simply.
"I didn't think chocolate had a lethal dose," Rin admitted. "I hope she'll be okay."
"She's a hardy sort. And besides, this helps us out by lowering the general amount of thinking we need to do," Ilya said. "So in a way, if she dies it removes a lot of complications."
"... that's my sister, you little psychopath," Rin said.
Ilya smiled sweetly. "Rin. I want you to look deep into my eyes and tell me something. Do you think... really think... that I care enough about you to care about your sister?"
"... ... ... point. Still, it's tacky,"
"Ilyasviel is a horrible person, but she does have a point," Saber said gently. "We need a plan of attack. Some way to determine where our lives go from here."
Later, in the War Room...
"You have a war room?" Rin asked, a slightly horrified look in her eyes. She was starting to realize, somewhat belatedly, that she was the sanest girl in the room.
"Of course I have a War Room, Rin. And say it capitalized," Ilya said, her tone implying Rin was just about the dumbest person who had ever lived.
"How did you know I didn't...?" Rin asked, eyes wide.
"Those of us who have had War Rooms can tell," Saber said with the indefinable pride of one who has had not only a War Room, but the most famous War Room of all time. "A fine room, Ilyasviel. It will serve us well in our planning."
"Damn straight, it will. If I'm gonna plan a War, it's gonna be planned in a War Room. That's just logic,"
"Oh, I think logic left the building awhile ago..." Rin murmured.
"Now, I think we have a few options. Option #1, and the one I like most of all: Kill Ayaka Sajyou. Just kill the bitch stone dead. Anyone else like this option?"
"... I know we are not fond of this young lady..." Saber said.
"Evil harpy," Rin agreed.
"Man-stealing gutter whore," Ilya said cheerfully.
"But I feel this might be excessive. Just... just a tad."
"Why? She has something I want, so I murder her. That's how I've solved most of my problems up until now and it's worked out well," Ilya said cheerfully.
"That... that isn't how most people solve their problems..." Rin said a bit doubtfully.
"Most people don't have an all-powerful murdergiant at their disposal," Ilya said cheerfully. "Berserker can totally kill this bitch. It would be fun for him, even. Get him some exercise. He doesn't get out of the house often enough."
"... Ilyasviel, Berserker is not really a pet..."
"... ... since when?" Ilya asked, blinking in confusion.
"Ilya. We're not murdering Ayaka," Rin said firmly.
"Well, fine. If you're going to be spoilsports about it, we'll go to option #2. Kill Shirou," Ilya said, an image of Shirou appearing on the War Room monitor with an 'X' through his face.
"...why did you have that image already made?"
"Oh, I made that before I moved to Japan. You know... back when I was a younger girl, innocently dreaming of the day I could eviscerate my big brother. Ah, the memories of my youth..." Ilya said nostalgically.
"You are a horrifying little thing, has anyone ever told you that?" Rin asked.
"Yes, but I generally ignore opinions that disagree with my own thoughts," Ilya said calmly.
"I knew it!" Sella screamed from outside the room.
Sakura walked into the War Room, clutching her stomach. "Oh... oh God... never, ever let me have chocolate ever again, Nee-san..."
"Oh, welcome back Private Sakura. We're planning to kill Shirou," Ilya said warmly.
"... am I still unconscious? Because this has an oddly dreamlike quality to it," Sakura said, looking around the room.
"Sadly, no," Rin said. "And we are not killing Shirou,"
"Awwwwwwwwww, but why not? He has it coming!" Ilya said. "You wet blankets won't let me kill anyone!"
"Yes, that is kind of the point we are making," Saber said.
"FINE. Jeez, you are all just so lame today. But all right. We can try this another way. There are a lot of fish in the sea, right? So let's look into Option #3: Find other guys!"
"Why... why is that option #3?" Sakura asked.
"Because it doesn't involve any murder at all, so I didn't think it would be as effective as the other two options," Ilya said.
"..." Sakura said.
"Now, we just need to determine who gets what guy. For Rin, the choice is obvious. After all, there's a tall, dark, handsome gentleman who's had his eye on her for a long time. They really are incredibly compatible, and honestly? I think they would be an even more perfect match for her than Shirou ever could."
Rin blushed lightly. "I-I think I know who you're hinting at, and... I'm sure he would never think of me that way. I mean, he used to be Sh-"
"Hercules!" Ilya said cheerfully. "He used to be Hercules."
"Berserker!" Ilya screamed. "Come find love!"
Berserker exploded into the room with a roar that shook the foundations of the very castle.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Rin said.
Sweeping down on her faster than the eye could see, Berserker plucked Rin up in his arms and ran off, ignoring her shrieks of protest.
Ilya sighed in contentment. "Aaaaah, a match made in Heaven. Those crazy kids will be so happy together."
Sakura and Saber both made some motions that looked like they were trying to say something, but no words were coming out.
"Okay! Let the matchmaking continue. Saber, for you, I think..."
"I am gay!" Saber declared loudly.
"Yes... I only like... the... women," Saber said, her voice straining somewhat. "They are... so... girlish. How... how girlish they... they are. Just... can't get enough of that."
"... oh," Ilya said. "Darn. And Caster's already taken, too..."
"WHAT?! I mean... no. I cannot be match-made because that is... insulting to the... the gay... community. Of which I am one."
"... how is that...?"
"IT JUST IS, DO NOT QUESTION MY RELIGION!" Saber snapped.
"... being gay is a religion?" Sakura asked.
"And if you have any sense," Saber whispered, "You will convert before she tries to match you with Shinji or something."
Sakura's eyes widened in horror. "Ah! Yes, I... too... am also gay for the women. Have been for... so... many... seconds. Years! I mean years."
"Huh. Religion is a tricky thing," Ilya said. "Well, I guess that just leaves me. But... really, are there any men good enough for me? I mean, I'm not like you guys. I have standards."
"... maybe you should just... stay alone," Saber suggested delicately. "For the good of the world's m- I mean... for your... pride. Because clearly, nobody deserves you."
"Hmmmmm... you know, you're right!" Ilya said cheerfully. "Nobody does deserve me!"
"No matter how horrible they are!" Sakura agreed.
"Shinji is still single, Matou Girl," Ilya threatened.
"I mean... you're just the most awesome person ever!" Sakura said, taking several steps back.
Ilya clicked a button on her War Room computer, and a giant picture of herself in the middle of a huge gold star appeared on the screen. "And that," she said cheerfully. "Is the most important war data of all!"
Saber leaned over to whisper in Sakura's ear. "This has been among the least pleasant days of my life. And I've died before."
Sakura shrugged. "Still beats Shinji,"
Rin sat at the table, rigid with fear, the candlelight glittering in her eyes.
Berserker did not smile; he was not capable of smiling. But he did hand her a bouquet of flowers.
"Rargh," he said.
"Eeeeeep," Rin said.
"For the gentleman, a whole ox, as requested," the waiter said, wheeling up Berserker's dinner. "For the lady, I'm afraid that our chefs have never heard of 'OhGodohGodpleasehelpme', and request that you order another dish from our delightful five-star menu."
"Eeeeeep," Rin said.
"Aaaaah, first date jitters," the waiter said with a wink. "I'll come back later when you've had some time to think."
Ah, young love. How beautiful it is.