or, the dude-journal of Beck Oliver
So, today this showed up on my doorstep. I dunno. I thought babies were supposed to show up on doorsteps, or, like, packages. Not diaries with penguins on the cover. Though I'm curious about how this person knows I like penguins. Seriously. Penguins are awesome.
They just wobble around and stuff. And sometimes they fall over. And get eaten, which is cool. Annnd now I sound like Jade.
Jade, my ex-girlfriend, who I'm talking about even though I said I wasn't gonna. (But she is hot. Like, really hot.)
(Someone stop me.)
Anyway, so I decided to write in it. Not a diary, of course. Just a place where I talk about my day and how hot Jade is with her recent wardrobe changes.
Except not the last part.
I asked Andre if he sent me a diary today. That didn't go so well.
He started yelling all 'BECK OLIVER IS WRITING IN A DIARY' so now even the little sixth graders know and they keep laughing at my penguin, who I have affectionately named Hoppy. I know penguins don't hop. But they do hop off of ice. I swear. I've seen it!
And then at lunch Robbie sat down with his pink pony diary and wanted to compare. He wanted to compare our diaries. Can you imagine? Of course, I said 'you're insane, dude' and said I didn't have a diary. Which I don't. This is a journal. Like, a dude journal. Not the girly kind.
And I don't start my entries with Dear Diary, anyway.
Then of course Cat had to come and start squealing about how cute my penguin was, which drew even more attention to my diary and subsequently, me. (See, I used a big word!) Then everyone was kinda staring at me, which is something I've been trying (failing) to avoid, so I ran into the bathroom.
Then I toilet-papered the bathroom.
I'm such a rebel.
Mom says that I take up too much space in the driveway with my 'stupid RV'. My kid sis is finally old enough to start driving, so she went out and bought some car from her ex-boyfriend, who oddly enough is a car dealer. I don't know if he's legal or not. Mom doesn't seem to care.
"Beck," she says, "if you're gonna use up so much of the driveway space, you're going to have to pay rent!"
"I don't have money!" I reminded her. Really, I don't. I think I have two dollars that I nicked off Andre. Just don't tell him that and he won't notice. Andre's like a fountain of money.
And then she dropped the atomic bomb that blew everyone in the vicinity up. I, BECK OLIVER, HAVE TO GET A JOB. Yeah, like an actual job, because apparently nobody wants to hire high-school guys to babysit their kids. They think I'm a rapist or something. Believe me; I've tried.
(Do I look like a rapist?)
Long story short, Mom told me to drive down to Smoothie Palace and apply for a job. Too bad the kitchen is full, so they made me be the mascot person. In case you don't know (hopefully, you DON'T!), the mascot of Smoothie Palace is a polar bear.
POLAR BEARS EAT PENGUINS!
I'm so very sorry for this betrayal, dear Hoppy. I hope that someday you'll begin to forgive me, meanie old polar bear Beck.
Also in other news, Jade looked at me today. For three whole seconds. And then she looked away.
This is what my life has come to.
I felt better today. First of all, Jade informed me (in no uncertain terms) that polar bears and penguins live on opposite ends of the planet, and so you're perfectly safe. No more worrying, Hoppy dahling!
But then she dumped coffee on my shirt on 'accident' and stormed off. (She looks really hot when she's mad.) The downside was that I had to hole up in the bathroom to change my shirt because usually when I take off my shirt in the middle of the hallway, sixth graders come out to like, gape at me. Which is really kind of awkward when you think about it. Plus their teachers don't like it much.
I think it's cause I'm hot. I said this casually at the lunch table today and Andre's milk almost came out of his nose. Then he told me that I'm a polar bear.
Which is true, but I'm sure there are some sexy polar bears somewhere. They probably wear bikins and have abs. Just like my amazing abs.
I work out, okay?
Anyway, then I told the rest of them about my new job, and they all laughed so hard that I almost drowned in the water they spit out. (Tori's came out through her nose. Gross.)
"It's not that funny!" I said. Because really, it's not. I'm like, brown. Not that I'm racist against myself, but polar bears are white. Jade should be the polar bear. Even if she has more boobs than polar bears do. And she'd kill me for writing this.
…I should probably burn this once I'm done with it.
Anyway. Once they were done with their little laugh session, Andre and I made a bet. He has to get a job at Burger Barn, which is just beside Smoothie Palace. And he has to be their mascot. Their mascot is like, a walrus. And a seal. Combined. Cat calls it a weal. Anyway, whichever one of us quits first is the loser.
Jade has already volunteered to be the photographer. Joy.
Today was me and Andre's first day on the job. We showed up all early and stuff, trying to be professional and competitive. But then they shoved us in those stinky costumes (that are also like, really HOT. Not good hot, either!) and made us go wave at people. I can't tell you how many hot girls drove by and LAUGHED at me. This has never happened to me before. I wonder if this is how Robbie feels all the time.
And I mean, all of that was okay. I could deal with random chicks laughing at me. But then Jade showed up. And if you haven't noticed already, I kind of love that girl. Canadian bacon help me. Because loving Jade is like loving a wild bear. Except the wild bear might be more merciful.
Anyway, Jade got out her stupid PearPhone and started taking pics. And you know that if JADE WEST has pics you're never going to hear the end of it. (Yes, the caps was completely necessary. It makes her seem more ominous and chiz.)
Then she started tapping stuff into her phone. So I said, "Please tell me you're not uploading those pics to TheSlap."
She was all, "I'm not uploading those pics to TheSlap." But she gave me one of those 'you're such an idiot, Beck' glares, so I didn't really think she was telling the truth. I groaned and fell on the ground. All she said was "No sleeping on the job, lazy." Then she walked away.
As if that wasn't bad enough, some random little girl that works with me came dashing out and asked if Jade was my girlfriend. So I had to say no. I have to admit that I kinda miss calling Jade my girlfriend, even if she is really annoying sometimes. I guess I am too sometimes.
Don't tell her that, Hoppy. I'll never hear the end of it.
So today, after a long, grueling day at work, Jade made me and Andre come over to her house. Which is kind of weird, because I've only been to her house like, three times before, even though her house is really nice and she has a cool brother. Of course, her condition was that Andre and I couldn't take off our stupid mascot costumes, so Jeremiah almost laughed us out of the house. Then we went upstairs and played board games like every other normal group of teenagers.
If you had told me a few days ago that I'd be sitting here playing checkers in a polar bear suit with my ex-girlfriend while my best friend (wearing a weal suit) watched on, I'd have laughed in your face. Yet there I was.
I won that game, too. For the record and all.
Then Jade got all angry and demanded we play charades. She lost charades too, because she's so freaking uptight sometimes. But of course that made her Godzilla angry, and Andre said he had to go. Probably because he's scared of Jade, which I don't really get. She's just a little kitty with oversized claws, really. Though if she ever reads that... I probably should burn this.
I feel like I'm rambling, so to make a long story short: Andre ditched and I ended up making out with Jade. And yes, I was still in my suit. Just with the head off.
I really don't even know how I get myself into these situations.
And yes, I am very aware of the fact that we're broken up, so it was really awkward when we pulled away. I just kinda stared at her until she cleared her throat, and then I told her I needed to go wash my elephant. She agreed and said that it was probably really dirty, knowing me.
I wasn't aware I had an elephant. Ah well, I do now. It can be named Polly.
Andre wasn't amused by my whole Polly story. He reminded me that I broke up with Jade. I think he's being too serious about all of this. I mean, Jade and I fight and break up and make up (and out) a lot. It's not even my fault that she's so irresistible. What's his problem?
Tori thought it was funny, anyway. And Cat just said that Polly should be purple. I walked away after that, because I really didn't want to hear Cat's odd opinions on my nonexistant elephant, and then I got a burrito because burritos aren't purple or elephants.
Jade made sure to sit at another table with some scary chick that I actually am scared of. Guess that girl's her new insurance. As long as she's there, I won't come near her or something like that.
She underestimates my power. Seriously, I'm like a superhero or something.
…except I actually wear cool clothes and not underwear with tights.
Cat Valentine has a job. Like, an actual, nice job that doesn't involve standing on the side of the street in some kind of animal costume and pays pretty well.
What is my life.
Jade thinks the whole job thing is pretty amusing, probably because she has a very nice, stable job at the coffee shop and doesn't have to dress up like a dolrus (dolphin and walrus combined!) and stand on the side of the road. At least, that's what she told me today before walking off and giving me one of her infamous glares. Seriously, I don't even know what's up with that girl.
Apparently, according to Tori, it's supposed to be awkward when you randomly make out with your ex. At least, that's how it works in 'Girl World'. I forgot Jade was even a part of 'Girl World' or whatever it's called. I mean, seriously. I thought she was a part of Scissor World. Is that a thing?
I'm not sure if I should listen to Tori. She doesn't even have her driver's license.
In other news, the amount of girls showing up at my house each day has been dwindling down. I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I attribute this to my lovely new job.
Though girls still show up, even with my tarnished reputation and all. I think I might be able to understand now why Jade got so jealous all of the time.
Don't tell her that either, Hoppy.
I have decided that chocolate is the best thing in my life right now. Everything else sucks.
That is all for now, Hoppy.
I think Andre likes Jade. As in, more than a 'friend'. Like, seriously, he keeps staring at her, and not the way he stares at Robbie's unzipped zipper either. More like a YOU'RE GORGEOUS stare. The way that I stare at her, come to think of it.
So like a good friend, I told Jade. Things are still understandably awkward between us, but I figured that maybe this could break the ice. Instead, it just froze it even more.
"Andre is not in love with me," was all Jade said at first.
"He looks at you funny," I got out. And yeah, my phrasing was odd, but hopefully Jade got my meaning anyway. She's always been cool like that.
"Why do you care?" she said at last, and then she slammed her locker and walked away.
Of course, I couldn't very well say 'I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU, BABE' so I went with the simple explanation, which is something along the line of "I don't know" and walking away. So then I went and found Andre because I figured it was a good time to confront him.
Our conversation went kind of like this:
"Why are you in love with Jade?"
"I'm not! Man, I have no idea what you're talking about." Insert nervous laughter.
"You know what I'm talking about! Jade, my ex-girlfriend. Isn't that against Guy Code or something?"
"There is no guy code, Beck."
"Well, there should be. Andre, you can't love Jade!"
Then Andre walked away. Apparently walking away is the new trend or something. But I think this conversation is pretty much proof that Andre is head over heels in love with Jade, so I'm recording it for posterity. I feel like that Caesar dude now, because my 'best friend' has betrayed me. I mean, he already knows that Jade and I made out and everything. Maybe I could just remind him of that, you know, mark my territory like some sort of animal. But that would be kind of awkward to announce, anyway. "YO, ANDRE, DUDE, REMEMBER THAT I MADE OUT WITH JADE!"
...yeah, definitely not one of my best ideas.
Now things are awkward at work and with Jade. I feel like this is a big mess of awkwardness. Pretty much I can only talk to Tori, because conversations with Cat only end in disaster and things with Robbie are always awkward. And for Trina – well, let's not even go there.
Anyway. Yeah. Tori says that I should talk to Jade and tell her I'm still in love with her, and that Andre's been all wonky for a while but he'll get over it. I don't really believe her, at least on the second part. Seriously. Jade's a hard one to get over.
...pretend I never said that.
I should really stop writing now.
This is revenge for your little kidnapping of my diary, Beckett Oliver. Oh, don't act all innocent. I know you stole my diary. And here I am, stealing yours. Oh, and I can't believe you keep a diary. Girly much?
First of all, I am not a kitten, and I will gladly claw your eyes out.
Second, yes, I am hot. Stop saying that.
Third, Andre is not in love with me.
Fourth, we need to talk.
Fifth, penguins don't hop. Idiot.
CRISIS ALERT. CRISIS ALERT.
As you probably noticed, Jade stole my diary. That means a) she saw all the stuff I wrote about her, some of which wasn't really that complimentary, and b) she knows that I'm still in love with her.
Anyway, I stole her diary too, which may have been a bad move, but I think she's still in love with me too. I don't know. Everything she writes is so cryptic. It's like, in a different language. I don't even know how to read girl language. I'd ask Tori, but Jade already threw her diary in a paper shredder.
And she wants to 'TALK'. What does talk mean in girl language, Hoppy? Hopefully it means make out and stuff, but I can't be sure.
I think I'm just very confused. JADE WEST is like, the most confusing person ever.
Andre would know. Traitor.
Today, Andre lost our stupid bet. He quit his job. No explanation or anything. He just randomly quit. And while I'm grateful, because he owes me fifty bucks now AND he has to do the chicken dance in front of the school (INCLUDING JADE), I'm also really suspicious. Andre's a competitive dude, you know. He's not one to quit in the middle of a competition.
So Cat and I went over to visit him, and it turns out the kid's already found himself another job that his grandma hooked him up with. A nice, respectable job, with an office and chiz. And this really pretty girl works there too, which should probably make me relieved, but instead I'm just kinda jealous. Probably because I'd like a nice, respectable job too. Everyone seems to have one but me and Tori, and Tori doesn't really need extra money anyway. Sigh.
(She just needs to get her driver's license already. Weirdo.)
Anyway, Andre's doing the chicken dance tomorrow in front of the whole Asphalt Cafe. I plan on talking to Jade afterward, because hopefully she'll be in a good mood after that. After all, who wouldn't? Andre's dancing is pretty laughable.
It's been a crazy day. Really. Not just saying that.
So it started when Andre did his weirdo dance in front of the whole Cafe, Hoppy. He looked really stupid. Even Jade was laughing, and Jade never laughs. Really, she's like some sort of monster. Except I didn't say that, Hoppy.
Afterward I pulled her aside and I was like, "You said we needed to talk?"
"Yeah." She looked really awkward. "Look, you're still in love with me."
The only thing I could think to say was "Well, you're still in love with me too", which was obviously very mature.
"Then whatare we doing?" she asked in this frustrated voice. I didn't say that's what I've been asking myself for like, the past five years. I think that's when my life went all wonky.
"Being the odd couple," I said, and then I kissed her, because when I'm looking at her, that's all I can think about. Seriously. Look, you try it sometime! She's very... kiss-worthy. Is that a word?
"You really wanna do this again?" she asked me.
"Seriously," I said.
Her only response was "You say that too much." And then she cocked her head. "Are you seriously jealous of Andre?"
"Sort of," I admitted, staring at the floor. Because it was kind of embarrasing.
"Well, you shouldn't be," she told me, and then she kissed me. Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me away, which was all good, because it was back to normal. And yeah, none of that was really crazy, because we've made up about a million times now and it gets better every time now. But the weird part was after school.
I was about to go to my job and all, because I'm a good guy. I really am. And then she ran up to me, all breathless and "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I said "Going to my job", because I was.
"You don't want to do that," Jade said slyly. Which in itself concerned me, because my girlfriend (I really like calling her that) is nothing if not manipulative, and I had no idea what she was up to this time.
"I need money, Jade," I complained. "I have to pay my rent!"
And then she told me, "Well, Beck, guess what? I've gotten Cat to switch jobs with you, so you'll be able to make money and not look like a fool. After all, I can't have my boyfriend looking like an idiot on a public road."
I ignored the insult and thanked her, because really it's one of the nicest things Jade has ever done for me. I didn't ask how she got our managers to agree, because if I've learned one thing about Jade in our eons of time together, it's that she can get anyone to agree to what she wants them to do.
So Cat went to be the new polar bear. She's whiter than I am anyway so it all works out. And I get to work in the office with this Hot Girl, who's probably hotter than Andre's (but DEFINITELY not hotter than Jade).
Jade's not too thrilled about that. But I think the girl got the message, because before I went in today she scrawled PROPERTY OF JADE on my forehead in mascara.
...yeah, it's good to have her back.
Jade told me today that my obsession with penguins was unhealthy, so I retorted that her obsession with llamas was unhealthy. Really, it is. She has like fifteen stuffed llamas, all of them with off-the-wall names. She let me name one once.
(I named it Carl, for the record.)
Anyway, she got all offended and chiz. So I said maybe she is a llama. And maybe I'm a penguin, so didn't that make us an odd couple?
Long story short, she's now a llama and I'm a penguin, and life is good.
I presented my mom with a pile of money today.
She just stared at me all WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BECK. So I reminded her about the rent, and she told me it was a joke.
...get that? A JOKE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I never actually had to pay rent! I never had to dress up like an idiot in front of traffic! And now Jade has those blackmail pictures for the rest of eternity. I'm going to be the laughingstock of the high school class. She thought I was getting a job because I wanted money. And of course I do want money, but NOT IF IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL.
Whatever. I'll just take Jade out on a date. And try to coerce her into taking those pics down.
…yeah, like that'll happen.
Andre sent me an apology letter today. Seriously. Like, the dude makes fun of me for writing in a 'diary' (A JOURNAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and he stuffs apology letters in my locker. Probably half the school thinks it's a love letter and that tomorrow evening, Andre and I will be running off into the sunset together. I'm sure Jade'll be thrilled about that rumor.
Anyway, here's the lovely letter:
Beck, my man,
I'm sorry for being in love with Jade. It's stupid. And she is in love with you. And I'm stupid. Yeah.
And um. I'm sorry for cheating on our bet. Even if it wasn't really cheating.
And be happy with Jade. Okay.
I hope we can be best bros again.
I think he has a real way with words. Maybe at some point in the future, he could even be a famous author. Not.
The point is that Andre and I are bros again. And I'm still with Jade. Guess you didn't see that coming. She even bought me coffee today. It was awkward though because I bought her coffee too, so we kinda just exchanged coffees.
Whatever. It was nice. I really do love her, oddly enough.
Life is good.
You know, Beck, I'm the one who gave you this 'Dude Journal' in the first place. So really I should have the right to read it whenever I want.
Never taking those pics down, by the way. You look hot, in a not-hot sort of way.
Love you too, by the way.
A/N: Welcome to the insanity that is my mind.
Lol, I don't even know why I wrote this. This is mostly for Jessica cause it's her birthday and Bade and llamas so ;) Happy birthday!
And well, please review and don't fave without reviewing. The end.