Title: It's Okay Now
Word count: 5,122
Summary: His fears of Kurt leaving him had started with a question about Cooper. And it had just built up until it exploded and his worst fears were realised when it looked like their relationship was going to end.
Warnings/Spoilers: References to Cooper (just in case you still haven't watched Big Brother). Talk of depression/self-harm. References to events that occurred within Dance With Somebody. A little angst, a little love-making at the end. Combines lots of different headcanons I have about Blainey-boo.
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the Glee universe.
"Why didn't you ever mention Cooper before?"
It was the question he'd expected, so he didn't answer it. Not really. "Because he's famous and I live in his shadow."
Kurt seemed a little doubtful but accepted it without pushing. Inside, Blaine wanted to scream at Kurt, grab him by the arms and shake him and demand that he ask more, ask again, please just notice that it wasn't all okay. But Kurt didn't push and he wasn't sure how much he hated it.
He knew he was drifting away from Kurt after Cooper had visited. Willingly, he would like to point out. It was going to be so hard with Kurt in New York and him in Lima. He couldn't rely on the Warblers. He had lost his only friends and now he was on the verge of losing the new ones, as well as his boyfriend. It was so hard. Too hard. Rather than go to Kurt's after school and hang out with him and Rachel and Finn where they'd discuss New York like he was invisible, Blaine would go home and cry into his pillows that smelled too much like Kurt. It was like he was everywhere and Blaine felt like he was losing his sanity because he could never escape Kurt but Kurt was escaping Lima. Without him.
He'd thought that the buzzing would have been Rachel or Mercedes so he ignored it. But then, it kept buzzing. So he glanced at it. And saw an unfamiliar guy's name. Could he be blamed for wanting to read more, to find out what was going on?
But the agonising twisting in his gut made him question the assumption that he had a right to know. Who was Chandler? Where had he come from? Why was he involved in Kurt's life all of a sudden? Was Kurt… No, Kurt wouldn't.
"He's just some guy I met at the music store!"
Which, of course, means you text him dozens of times in a few days about all the things you're going to do in New York together.
It seemed ridiculous to beg Kurt to talk to him if he was unhappy and then walk out, but he just couldn't stomach the look on Kurt's face, the defiance and confusion because he just couldn't understand what was so wrong about this new…what, relationship with Chandler? But was he blowing it out of proportion? Was it nothing, as Kurt claimed?
No. Chandler wanted Kurt's voice in his voicemail. That wasn't nothing. And Kurt didn't deny that he liked the guy. It hadn't really been a question, but Kurt hadn't denied it. He liked the way Chandler made him feel. That's what he'd said. He'd liked it.
Oh God, what had he done? He'd completely destroyed his relationship with Kurt without even trying, just because he was trying to cope with the pain of separation. He'd said to Kurt he couldn't go with him to the music store and that's where he'd met Chandler. If he'd been there with Kurt, none of this would have happened. It was his fault, so many times over, and the guilt was overwhelming.
But he was still so angry and so hurt. And he sang and the look on Kurt's face, the way he shook his head and gaped at Blaine, proved to him that Kurt still didn't understand what was wrong. Or maybe he had and he'd texted Blaine about it, but Blaine had switched his phone off. Or maybe Kurt had texted Chandler and they'd arranged some flirty meet-up somewhere and it was all over for Kurt and Blaine.
Mike found him in the gym. He'd been punching at the goddamn bag but it wasn't enough and he couldn't understand why his fists weren't connecting properly until he realised he couldn't see because he was crying so much. So he'd slumped to the ground, head in his hands, pressed between his knees, sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe and his entire body was trembling with the sobs.
"Dude." Mike pressed in beside him, an arm around his shoulders and gently tilted Blaine towards his body. "What on Earth is going on with you two?"
Blaine clenched his hands into his sweaty curls, gasping in breaths to try and feel more normal. "H-he cheated."
"I guessed as much from the song, but you know he wouldn't do that, right?"
"I saw the messages! I s-saw them! You can't just…he can't just…" A fresh wave of emotional terror rolled through him until Mike was hushing him and Blaine was clutching uselessly at Mike's shirt as he cried. "I'm g-gonna l-lose him."
"What? No." Mike rubbed the back of his neck, at the little bump of the top of his spine. "You two are solid. Like me and Tina. We've done the talk about how we're going to work things out next year and we came to an agreement not to break up just because we'll be in different places. Same for you and Kurt."
Blaine snorted and then cringed at how wet it sounded. "We haven't even talked about it. We don't talk about it. Kurt doesn't seem to realise he's leaving without me."
"Have you tried to talk to him?" Mike said.
"Well then, there's half your problem. He can't know if he's so blinded by his excitement." Mike leaned away so they could sit back up properly, backs pressed to the wall, shoulders touching. "He's not cheating on you, Blaine. Whatever you think is happening, it's not. You didn't seem him after you left."
"What happened?" Blaine hadn't even thought about it. He'd just needed to get out, go, run away. Always running away. Always trying to escape. He'd done it before, he was doing it again.
"He broke down. Was crying into his lap and biting down on his hands and no one knew what to do so they just kind of…left him there to cry it out."
"They left him?" Oh God, now he felt guilty. Kurt was borderline hysterical and he'd run and no one had been able to help Kurt. He'd broken Kurt. He'd broken his boyfriend.
"Well, Rachel stayed with him and tried to calm him down. I think Mercedes was there too when I left. I think Finn, Sam and Joe were kind of hovering and looking rather useless, but no one quite understood what was going on so it was a lot of awkward staring at each other. Schue included."
Blaine shook his head, curling his arms over his stomach. "I'm a terrible boyfriend. No wonder he found someone else."
"Blaine." Mike sounded tired and when Blaine glanced up at him, looked tired. "He's not cheating on you."
He didn't question it. He couldn't question it. He was still too hurt.
"You should try calling Cooper."
Blaine flinched at the suggestion. "Cooper doesn't want anything to do with me."
"That's not true. He was here not that long ago. I thought you'd patched things up."
Blaine could feel himself withdrawing, coiling in on himself out of years of fear and expectation that Cooper couldn't or wouldn't deal with his problems. "It doesn't matter. I need to get home."
"See you tomorrow."
He'd grabbed up his bag, driving home sweaty and grimy and filthy, the tape still wrapped around his hands. It wasn't until he was in the shower and huddled into a ball on the floor, the spray washing over him, that he let go and started crying again.
Kurt was singing. He hadn't expected Kurt to sing. And yet there was so much there. The song. This song. There was so much in it and he knew what Kurt was trying to say and oh God, had he really done this? Had he damaged Kurt so much that he thought they were over?
Were they over anyway? If Kurt was cheating on him…
He couldn't speak when Kurt finished, just gaze at him tearfully and press his hands together against his lips to try and stop before it began. He still didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. Kurt gave him another glance, filled with longing and desperation and need, before he reclaimed his seat that was separated from the entire group at the other end of the room, crossed his arms over his body – he was trying to hold himself together, Blaine realised, it's what Kurt did when it felt like he was falling apart at the seams – and didn't raise his eyes from the floor the rest of the lesson.
Mike looked back at him, again, and patted his knee before he left. Blaine hadn't even noticed they'd been dismissed but Kurt was already gone and so was everyone else. He was alone. He was always alone. And this was only the start, because he'd still see these people tomorrow.
He'd been cornered in the morning by Kurt. Minding his own business. By his locker. And then Kurt was there.
"I made an appointment." It was brisk. Sort of abrupt. Filled with fear. "With Miss Pillsbury. I…please, Blaine? I don't…please?"
He wasn't trying to explain himself. He already had, Blaine figured. But he was trying. Even if Miss Pillsbury was kind of a useless airhead that wasn't qualified to do much except hand out pamphlets. (And honestly, did she make those things herself? Because surely they weren't relevant to the greater parts of America…)
So they walked to her office, Blaine trailing Kurt with his head down and his hands in his pockets, gripping the strap of his bag, fidgeting with a loose thread, scratching behind his ear. Anything to keep busy. Anything to stop thinking.
He hadn't meant to explode. Really. It seemed so trivial to complain about Kurt's snapping for cheesecake but it was like now he'd started, he couldn't stop. Everything he'd been holding back about Kurt was starting to spill forth and his voice was getting weaker and more strangled as he looked back and forth between Kurt, who looked increasingly apologetic, and Miss Pillsbury who was somewhere between encouraging, proud and upset herself. Some guidance counsellor.
And he hadn't meant to spill out the words that Kurt was the love of his life, but he had. Because Kurt was. Kurt was everything. Kurt was his entire world. Kurt was the one who made the pain go away when he didn't even know that Blaine was in pain. He was the one that held him together on days when he no longer had the energy to.
Then Kurt was talking, telling him about Skype plans and weekend visits to New York (and how they were going to afford that he'd worry about later, because it sounded really, really good) and making promises that Blaine wasn't going to lose him and he just wanted to cry into Kurt's arms. Because everyone else had gone. Everyone else had left him. His mother had walked out and his father didn't accept that he was gay and Cooper had run off years ago and the Warblers had grown so distant after he'd been slushied. Nick and Jeff didn't return his texts anymore. And that hurt. And Mike and Finn and Rachel were graduating, among others and Kurt was…Kurt was here. Promising. Loving him.
He gripped onto Kurt tighter than he needed to, breathing into his neck and savouring the scent that was fresh unlike the one on his pillows which had been watered down. Quite literally after all the tears he'd shed the last few days. But Kurt's hold was just as fierce and he whispered little things into Blaine's ear, nearly silent assurances that he wasn't leaving Blaine, that Chandler wasn't worth it, that he loved him and no one else. It just seemed so unbelievable but he wanted to believe. He tried to believe.
When they finally pulled back, Miss Pillsbury was delicately dabbing at the corners of her eyes. "I'm so glad you were able to get through that," she sniffled, blowing into a tissue and folding it into a perfect quarter-sized square of what it had been before and laying it in the bin. Seriously. She had some issues. Why didn't she have a pamphlet for that, Blaine wondered. Or maybe she did and it was just as unhelpful as the rest of them scattered throughout her office.
Yes. That was definitely the more likely option.
Kurt came over to his place that afternoon. Blaine was frightened of being in Kurt's room, surrounded by Kurt's things, knowing that his room was going to change when Kurt packed it up. So they went back to Blaine's and they laid there facing each other, arms on shoulders or hips or chests or, at one stage, Blaine's palm was covering the small of Kurt's back.
"I love you, I love you," Kurt kept saying, his gaze steady even when Blaine wanted to look away because it was so intense. "You're my whole world, Blaine. I'm not going to throw that away now."
"But New York-"
"Won't be as fabulous for the year it has to wait for you, but it will have you because you'll come join me, right?"
He swallowed. Nodded. Of course he was. He wouldn't dare dream of anywhere else. He had the opportunity to follow Kurt and that meant taking it and following him there the first chance he got.
They didn't make out. They barely kissed. But it was a type of intimacy that he hadn't let himself feel in a long time. Somehow it meant more to hold Kurt, hug him, breathe him in, than to feel Kurt's lips on his, to feel Kurt's bare skin moving against his own. It was easier to be tactile with hands than have sex.
He'd spent most of the night after Kurt had left trying to come up with the correctly worded text that would make Kurt swoon and for their relationship come back together properly. He was still frightened by the implications of Chandler but less so now. He felt Kurt understood.
So when he'd heard that Glee wasn't mandatory, it was the perfect opportunity. No one would be going. No one would be home anywhere. It'd just be him and Kurt.
'So…I was thinking about you and me and my place and a bed?'
His nerves were completely shot as he walked over to Kurt and waited for the message to come through and he thought he had Kurt but no, of course he wanted to sing. Although he did whisper an "After Glee though…" into Blaine's ear as they walked down the corridor towards the auditorium.
It felt like the song was already a goodbye. It wasn't even about saying goodbye to Whitney but everyone. Everyone had turned up (and how awkward would that have been if Kurt had agreed and they were the only two missing!) and he just wanted to sob hysterically and beg them all to fail their finals and stay another year. Except Quinn still had early acceptance to Yale and Santana had her cheerleading scholarship and Rachel and Kurt had NYADA auditions next week so they were moving forward and moving on and making demands to stay wasn't going to work anymore.
They were the last out of the auditorium. Mike had squeezed his shoulder with a smile when he'd seen Blaine unable to stop staring at Kurt while everyone was singing and dancing and swaying around them. Maybe it was planned to be alone. Maybe it wasn't.
He wrapped his arm around Kurt's waist, spinning him around until their bodies were flush, until Kurt dipped his head and their lips met and it was just right. He'd been so stupid to nearly throw this away and it had started with Chandler and-
No, it hadn't
It had started with Kurt's question about Cooper.
He pulled away and Kurt briefly chased his mouth before his eyes snapped open.
"Blaine?" His hands moved from Blaine's arms to his face. "Hey. What's wrong?"
"It's… I…" Tears slipped down his cheeks and Kurt caught each one with his thumb, his face blazing concern. "Can we…go back to mine? I need…I think I need to talk to you."
Kurt frowned but kept the obvious question he had to himself as they grabbed up their bags and headed for Kurt's car. He felt a little like a child while he sat in the passenger seat, knotting his hands together and popping his knuckles. Kurt kept looking over at him but he couldn't look up. Didn't want to look up. Wasn't sure he could look up.
"We're here," Kurt said softly, sliding his fingers amongst the tangle of Blaine's.
Blaine nodded, breathing out and escaping the car to lead Kurt up the path to his house. It sort of felt like when they'd come here months ago, after West Side Story, except the nervous anticipation was mixed in with fear and guilt and shame rather than excitement and joy. He dropped his bag unceremoniously by the door and Kurt tutted and adjusted it before climbing onto the bed beside Blaine, their bodies in the same place as yesterday, staring at each other with only inches between them.
"Honey?" Kurt prompted.
Blaine looked down, biting his lower lip between his teeth. "I…I haven't been honest with you."
Kurt's lips twisted but he kept silent.
"I… It's not just New York. I… You asked about Cooper. After he left. Why I don't talk about him."
"I wasn't honest about it."
"He came back after the dance. I mean, he left years ago but he came back after I got hurt. I guess he was probably guilty at how absent he'd been and dad wasn't coping well with it and mom was…" Blaine shook his head, furrowing his brow as he tried to process the mash of thoughts. "Mom left. After I got out of hospital. She left. Dad sank pretty low. He…he wouldn't let me transfer at first. Said it was probably the wakeup call I needed to straighten myself up. I'm not sure if he actually meant to be straight, like it's a choice or whatever, or to act less gay. So I started wearing more jeans and t-shirts and hoodies and stuff."
Kurt's hand covered the curve of his hip as Blaine trembled.
"Dad started drinking for a while. It wasn't…I mean, it was more than he should have had, but it wasn't really that bad. Eventually Cooper said he had to leave, that he couldn't keep putting his life on hold and I was okay now so…" Blaine shrugged as he swallowed down the nerves building in his throat.
"But the…the bullying didn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I was alone. I was so alone, Kurt." Blaine raised his eyes to Kurt, scared and pleading.
Kurt wriggled the few inches closer until their bodies were lined up, Blaine's head tucked over Kurt's shoulder as he held him. "What did you do?"
"I…I tried t-to…" He couldn't say it. How could he say it? How could he add to Kurt's guilt that he was going to New York in a few short months and Blaine would be alone again.
"I didn't…I didn't want to die," Blaine whispered brokenly. "I just wanted everything to stop for a few moments. I just wanted to stop hurting. I just…I didn't want to be alone anymore."
Kurt's hold changed to be more protective. "Baby…"
He could feel himself unravelling as he clung to Kurt, knowing he couldn't stop now but wishing he'd never started in the first place. "Cooper…he…he didn't come back that time. He s-said that he couldn't keep dropping commitments if I couldn't take care of myself."
Kurt hissed and held onto Blaine fiercer. "You're his brother."
"I know." He could feel the tears on his cheeks. "I just…I hated him for it so m-much that I started to pretend I didn't have a brother. I transferred to Dalton soon after that. Dad was freaked out. Made me board the rest of the year with someone in the room so they could keep an eye on me."
"I never knew."
"Of course you didn't." How could he have known? Blaine had never even told anyone at Dalton what had happened. "But I…I guess I just…I couldn't explain to you properly why I didn't talk about Cooper and I was already panicking about you going away and it just got so bad that I didn't know what to do but to try and pretend it wasn't happening and avoid you."
"Dad was doing the same. Skipping Friday night dinners because there were so few of them left." Blaine could feel Kurt shaking his head. "Like that makes any form of sense."
"It just means it hurts less later."
"So instead of the horrendous, burning pain of being apart, you torture yourself and me by prolonging it? How does that make it hurt less overall?"
He'd never thought of it that way. "I'd never thought of it that way."
Kurt snorted. "I don't think dad had either. You two are too similar in your stupidity of not wanting to be hurt."
"I knew there was a reason he liked me…"
A giggle bubbled free because Kurt trying to be severe and reprimanding just didn't work.
Kurt sighed, pulling back just enough that he could find Blaine's gaze. "I might not be in the state but I'm not leaving you. If you…" He pursed his lips. "If you feel like that again, so alone that you...can't see anything else, you call me, okay? I don't care what the time is or what I might be doing, you call me."
Blaine couldn't maintain eye contact anymore. He couldn't.
"I…I thought…I thought it was going to be over and I-"
Kurt's breathing stopped. "Blaine. What did you do?"
"I didn't think it'd matter. I'd just be alone again and I thought we were on the verge of being over anyway and I-"
The edge of panic in Kurt's voice jarred him from his ramblings.
"Blaine. Look at me." He didn't. He couldn't. "Look at me, Blaine." When he still didn't, Kurt huffed, grabbing his face a little roughly to tilt it up until their eyes met. "What did you do?"
"I… It's not really even that bad and-"
Feeling close to terrified, he hiked up the edge of his shirts and exposed his stomach. Kurt moved to see and whimpered.
"Blaine…" Kurt's fingers brushed over the shallow cuts, hesitant and soft. "Blaine, if I'd known I wouldn't have-"
"You can't protect me. You can't save me from myself all the time."
"No, but I-"
"Kurt, listen." Kurt's eyes flickered to his and then back down to his skin like he couldn't stop himself from staring. "I'm not…I'm not proud of it but…I just got scared. And I…I didn't really know what else to do to calm myself down."
"So you hurt yourself?" Kurt hands flitted over his skin until he shoved his shirt back down to hide them.
"Don't be sorry," Kurt said immediately, wrapping his arms back around Blaine and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Just call me before it might happen again, okay? I hate that you felt like that. I hate it. Never again, do you hear me? Never again. I'm here, yours, forever."
He wanted so desperately to believe but everyone else had left at some point or another.
"I'm not leaving. I'm not like them."
"Did I say that out loud?"
Kurt laughed. "No. Your face was just crystal clear."
"I don't want to force you into staying because you're concerned for my wellbeing…"
"You aren't forcing me into doing anything." Kurt nudged his nose into Blaine's face until Blaine looked up. "I want you, Blaine. I want you forever. I love you."
His eyes burned with fresh tears as he pressed his lips to Kurt's, licking at his lower lip as Kurt's hand cupped his jaw to hold him steady. And this, this, was why he couldn't let Kurt go. Because the world fell away from him when they kissed and he forgot what he was thinking or feeling because everything just felt so right when Kurt was there, touching him, kissing him.
It was slow, like their first time, a gradual discarding of clothes as Kurt kissed light rings around the small patch of shallow cuts and moved lower to remove his pants. And then it was just them, bare and naked and everything exposed. He wanted to draw in, wanted to hide himself because he was scarred and damaged now and he hadn't been like that for years.
"What did you do? Years ago. When you…you know…"
Blaine's fingers traced over Kurt's chest, his eyes closing as he remembered the dozens of sleeping tablets he'd taken, ones that had been prescribed to him because of the nightmares he was having after the attack. He told Kurt, felt Kurt's mouth move to cover his when he stopped explaining, stealing any more words, stealing his breath, until he was pawing at Kurt's hips, to bring him closer, to feel Kurt's cock moving against his own on his stomach.
"I love you," Kurt said, tilting his head until he could kiss beneath Blaine's ear where his jaw hinged. "I love you and I want to…to show you, okay?"
Blaine nodded, his breathing ragged and his thoughts shattered and scattered as Kurt rummaged in his bedside draw until he found the lube and a condom. It had been so long. He hadn't even masturbated during the last month, even when the make-outs had gotten a little intense, because once either of them pulled away, his buzz disappeared, his need diminished, his desire left.
He let Kurt bend his knees up until he was holding himself open, his eyes hooked on Kurt's as Kurt eased a slick finger inside and oh God, it had been so long as his body sparked with the familiar pleasure-pain that he'd missed so much.
"Never this long again," Kurt whispered as he gradually stretched Blaine wider.
"But New York-"
"I'll buy you things," Kurt mumbled, twisting his fingers and rubbing, rubbing, until he was writhing with the desperation to feel Kurt inside him.
"Things?" Blaine asked as Kurt rolled on a condom.
"Mm." He held Blaine's hips, his thumb mindful of the cuts on one side as he raised Blaine up slightly. "Should it vibrate or not vibrate?"
Blaine wasn't sure if his mind short-circuited at what Kurt was implying or the feeling of Kurt finally breaching him, but it didn't matter because Kurt was inside him and it had been more than a month and it felt the same as before, like he'd finally found the place where he belonged. He straightened out his legs and then wrapped them around Kurt's waist, his hands covering Kurt's biceps as Kurt lowered his head and met him in a messy but somehow still loving kiss.
"I love you," Kurt said again.
"I do too but-" Blaine squeezed his eyes shut as a shudder rolled through him. "Oh God, you need to move."
"Shhh." Kurt kissed his complains away as he shifted, rocking back and then sliding his hips forward again, slow and sinuous and controlled and still utterly, utterly perfect. Not enough to do anything but prolong the bliss but it still felt so, so good.
Blaine's eyes sought Kurt's again, cradling his face even as his own neck arched when Kurt thrust in a little sharper. "I have nothing without you."
Kurt smiled, his eyes a little glassy with tears. "Just as well you have me then, huh?"
Blaine nodded, tightening his limbs to Kurt's body, clinging a little as Kurt started to move faster. He could feel the desperation starting to build, the sweat streaking his brow matched by the shine on Kurt's forehead. He raised his hips and groaned when Kurt started to rub over his prostate steadily. He could feel Kurt's hand moving between them until it squeezed the length of his cock, quick and brutal, until everything was falling away and all he could feel was Kurt and all he could see was Kurt and all he could think was KurtKurtKurt.
When he came, it was a breathy sort of gasp, unlike his usual whines and begged babbling. Kurt moaned lowly into his neck as he thrust twice more and followed him, both of their bodies trembling with aftershocks as their nerves felt like they were on fire. But the very best kind of fire. Only the best. The very best.
He thought Kurt was probably drastically oversensitive but he stayed where he was and kept kissing along Blaine's jaw and neck, punctuating each kiss with a word or phrase of love, adoration and reassurance. It was the most anyone had ever done for him. It was the only time it had been done for him.
"I only ever wanted to feel needed and approved of," Blaine murmured, nosing at Kurt's neck. "I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And I thought…I had that with you until…until Chandler and I-"
"Hush." Kurt's index finger pressed against his lips. "I need you. I need you so much. You belong here, with me, always, okay? Anytime you feel like you don't fit in, you remember this moment."
He nodded mutely. Kurt replaced his finger with his mouth and they were kissing again and again until he thought he could feel himself getting hard again, until he could feel Kurt hardening within him and oh, okay, that was kind of weirdly hot to actually feel Kurt getting harder.
For the first time all week, he finally felt like they'd actually be okay. Kurt had realised it wasn't right. He'd realised how badly he'd been hurt. And he hated feeling like he might have made Kurt feel guilty because he wasn't able to manage his emotions better but…but Kurt hadn't run away screaming and demanding he be placed in an asylum so…it was something, right? It was always something.
He'd have to remember to thank Mike on Monday for forcing the issue of them talking about New York. It might not have come about quite the way Blaine had envisaged the past weeks or months, but it had finally happened. And they'd be okay. At the end of the day, that was all that mattered.
"You're thinking too much," Kurt complained, kissing him more insistently as he wiggled his hips.
Okay, so maybe there were other things that mattered too…
A/N: One. Shot. Only. No more. There won't be more. I guarantee it. This was just something that I couldn't quite let go of the last couple of days and then couldn't sleep tonight until I wrote it. But I'm happy enough with it and leaving it there so hopefully you will be too. Love as always my lovelies xo