The First Time

The first time ever I saw your face…

I thought the weevil had gotten the best of me. I was ready to die, to have it rip out my throat and disappear into the night. Then its weight lifted off me.

I quickly subdued it and tranquilized it then looked up at the young man leaning against the tree in the darkness.

My first thought was how young he was, but I later found out this exterior belied the trials and suffering he had endured in his few years.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth…

He was dead. The very thing he had worked so hard to hide and protect had knocked his precious life out of him. I held him in my arms and placed my lips to his, willing even just a little of the infinite life force I held inside my body into his.

The first time ever I lay with you…

Contrary to what others might think, it wasn't after Suzie died. Also, contrary to popular belief, the first time I slept with Ianto we didn't have sex.

After I let the fairies take Jasmine, everyone hated me. As we left the house, during the drive back to the hub, and until they left for the day, no on even dared look at me. It was as if I had sided with the fairies. In a way, I had, I suppose. But I had to weigh the life of one little girl against the lives of everyone on the planet. Moreover, Jasmine wasn't dead… she would live on. I did what I had to do… made a decision no one else dared to make.

Thinking I was finally alone in the Hub, I allowed the events of the past few days to crash down on me… seeing Estelle again, the fairies, Estelle's death, Jasmine…. I covered my face with my hands and let the tears well up in my eyes.

I almost jumped when I felt a gentle hand on my back. Putting my hands down, I found myself looking into the concerned eyes of Ianto Jones. Ianto, of all people who had a real reason to hate me, was the one to comfort me.

Looking into his eyes, seeing the concern, made me completely and utterly break down. Ianto wrapped his arms around me and just held me as the grief poured out.

I don't know how he managed it, but later I woke to find myself lying on my camp bed below my office exhausted both physically and emotionally – his arms still wrapped around me.