Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Season 2
Nobody Likes a Tattle Tale
Time: CENSORED! Date: CENSORED!
Dixie Carter and AJ Styles seem to be walking arm in arm (though the reason is not clear)
Daniels (in bush, thinking): Oh this will be good!
Daniels (thinking): DAMMIT! What are the pigs doing here?!
(police radio chatter)
AJ Styles: What!? Again! That's the 20th time this week!
Dixie: I had security beefed up because of this.
Inspector Meguire: Dixie, we're working around the clock. By the way, seen these 2 individuals? They've been wanted for illegal wiretapping.
Daniels (thinking): oh, ^ +*!
Dixie: Yeah! Those two are Chris Daniels and Frankie Kazarian!
AJ Styles: Those two have been trying to destroy our reputation!
Inspector Meguire: C'mon out of there! Hands in the air where I can see them.
(red van runs by and Daniels gets in. Kaz is driving)
Daniels: PUNCH IT!
Kaz: Way ahead of you!
AJ Styles: Why am I not surprised!
Inspector Meguire: WE GOT A RUNAWAY!
(Meguire gets in his police cruiser and pursues them)
Inspector Meguire (on Police Radio): This is Inspector Meguire! Our illegal wiretapping suspects Frankie Kazarian and Christopher Daniels are speeding down the roadway Northbound towards Goldenrod City in a 2000 red Honda mini van, License Plate FLN-1507! I want all officers to pursue these men and use excessive force if need be! There's a slight chance that they may be armed with barbed wire baseball bats!
-somewhere in Goldenrod City-
Kaz: This is YOUR FAULT!
Daniels: MY FAULT?! 'Cause I was getting evidence of AJ Styles and Dixie Carter so I can be the new face of TNA?!
(police sirens and police cruisers appear out of no where)
Indistinct police radio chatter
Inspector Meguire: We'll take that as a confession.
(Wilder cuffs them)
Daniels: Get your damn hands off me! Do you know who I am-
(Wilder slams Daniels on the cruiser)
Wilder: You're a scumbag who's going to prison!
Wilder hits Daniels and Kaz with his knight stick
Wilder: Move it! You have the right to remain silent-
(Harvey Birdman opening)
-Sebben & Sebben, Harvey's Office-
Peanut is playing on Harvey's computer
Harvey: Peanut! What are you doing?
Peanut: Eh, just playing Purble Palace on your computer.
Harvey: Oh! Did you ever figure out what those oh, so, adorable little purbles are wearing?
Peanut: Eh, not so much.
(Avenger face palms himself)
Phil bursts into Harvey's office
Phil Ken Sebben: Heads up Harvey! You got 2 new cases- Wait a moment! I LIED! 3 new cases!
Harvey: 3?! WHY?! WHO IS IT I HAVE TO DEFEND NOW?!
Phil Ken Sebben: Some Styles person and a Dixie. Oh, and you have to defend Captain Olimar and Knuckles the Echidna.
Harvey: Can't Birdgirl do those other 2 cases?
Phil Ken Sebben: Like to, but she's out on vacation. HA HA! Locked in a basement!
(Dixie Carter and AJ Styles come in.)
Harvey: AJ Styles? What did you do now? And don't tell me it's another charge from your Immortal days.
AJ Styles: What the hell would I be charged for something that happened 2 years ago?!
Dixie Carter: It's Frankie Kazarian and Chris Daniels. They've been slandering us!
Harvey: Well, what have they been saying?
Peanut: As if you don't know HB?
Harvey: I don't because I was in court last Thursday.
AJ Styles: First it was that me and Dixie were having an affair and now-
Dixie Carter: -It's now gotten worse as to him getting Clair Lynch pregnant. It has to stop, you're our last hope.
Harvey: THOSE BASTARDS! HAVE THEY NO SHAME! DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL MAKE THOSE MISCREANTES PAY! I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
Pikmin are seen taking Harvey's computer. They all watch with a strange look on their face
Yellow Pikmin: (MMHM!)
Harvey: -so I ask you, why is it that my client, Knuckles the Echidna is being sued in court today? BECAUSE OF AN UNFAIR PARKING TICKET TO A CAR HE DOESN'T EVEN OWN!
Knuckles: I don't even freakin' drive! That's the point!
Cooler: Objection, Your Honor! Knuckles has a Driver's License in the UK. As you see right here.
Mentok: Let me see it.
Driver's License poof into Mentok's hand
Mentok: OH YES IT IS! And I must say, Knucklehead you have such horrible hand writing.
Knuckles: That's impossible!
Mentok (bangs his brain gavel): Guilty as charged!
-Court, 4 hours later-
Harvey: Isn't it true that you crash landed on the Pikmin Planet back in December of 2001?
Olimar: (unintelligible garbled talk)
Harvey: Uh huh, as I thought. And isn't it true that you made it back to your home world in the Spring of 2005 only to have yourself return to said Pikmin Planet so you can pay the company debt off?
Olimar: (unintelligible garbled talk)
Edgeworth slams his hand on the desk
Edgeworth: HOW DO WE KNOW FOR A FACT THAT'S WHAT CAPTAIN OLIMAR JUST SAID?! HE CAN'T EVEN SPEAK CLEAR ENGLISH!
Genie: Yeesh, don't go all NEUORTIC on me. I picked it up and the winner of the Not Guilty award is-
(confetti falls on Olimar and the Pikmin)
Genie: CAPTAIN OLIIIIMMAARRRRRR!
(Abu blows party whistle)
Genie: THIS CASE IS! DIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIISED!
turns his hand into a gavel and slams it
Edgeworth (quietly): I'm surrounded by idiots…
-Sebben & Sebben Mess Hall-
(Joseph Park bursts in. Goes to Harvey's table)
Mr. Park: Harvey! (pant, pant) Listen to me! I know (pant, koff) who Daniels and Kaz's attorneys are!
Harvey: For God's sake, I hope it not that damned Paul Heyman.
Mr. Park: Oh, thank God it ain't. No, it's much worse!
AJ Styles: Lemme guess, Bischoff?
Mr. Park: Unfortunately, it is.
*: THERE YOU ARE! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, PARK?!
Mr. Park: Vegeta, what are you-
Vegeta: SAVE IT! You keep your mouth shut and you don't tell Bird Moron nothing! YOU HEAR ME, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP! NOTHING!
Harvey: It's Birdman, Vegeta.
Vegeta: I don't remember asking for your opinion! Park, same goes for you, now GET YOUR ASS IN LINE!
Mr. Park: Yes, Vegeta. Right away sir!
Vegeta: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU INGRATE?!
Mr. Park: Yes, King Vegeta! Right away, Your Honor!
Vegeta: That's what I though you said!
AJ Styles: You can stand up to Bully Ray, but you cringe at a guy like him?
Mr. Park: You have no idea what it's like to work for that guy. I'd like to punch him in his face-
Mr. Park wipes the sweat off his face with his sweat rag
Vegeta: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Mr. Park: Nothing, sire.
(Vegeta smirks evilly)
Vegeta: Just for that, you can take Bischoff's place in court.
Mr. Park: You can't do that-
Vegeta: DO IT OR YOUR ASS IS FIRED!
(Vegeta storms out. Mr. Park sighs deeply)
Mr. Park: Oh well, if I go down this time, at least I know it'll be to one of my good friends.
Harvey: Same to you. If I go down, it'll be because of a friend and my own ignorance. (I think…)
Judge: Mentok the Mind-Taker Bailiff: Kane
Prosecution: Kaz and Daniels Defense: Harvey Birdman
Kane: All rise or I WILL CUT YOUR-
Mentok: Uh uh uh! You know my proper entrance.
Kane: I WON'T DO IT!
Mentok: Do I see a date with a certain someone? A tiny little certain-
Kane: I'll do it, but YOU OWE ME BIG!
Kane: Ladies and gentlemen and all of you putrid humans of the jury, when your car is a-broken and you need a-fixen and you got no where else to go-a Judge Mentok the Mind Taker.
(Mentok appears in his chair with magic)
Mentok: Now was that so hard for you to do?
Kane: Like I said, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!
Mentok: Yes, well anyway; this court is in session. Joe Park, your first.
Mr. Park: okay, well let me just say this upfront that I'm being forced against my will to defend these two.
Daniels: It won't kill you to convict that bastard AJ Styles.
Kane (angry): YOU'LL DO IT AND LIKE IT!
Mentok: Both of you shut up! Mr. Park in light of your "predicament" you're free to go.
Mr. Park: Thank you, Your Honor.
(runs out of the court room)
Kaz: Looks like it's up to the both of us.
Daniels: Yup. I'll start first.
Daniels: Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, we would like to say that we are innocent. AJ Styles is the guilty bastard who's been-
Chi-Chi (angry): OH BROTHER! LET'S KILL THOSE GUYS!
Mentok: You aren't allowed to kill the plaintiff.
Harvey: May I, Your Honor?
Mentok (sarcastically): Yes, Harvey… Feel free to deliver your opening statements.
Harvey: Gladly, Your Honor. AJ Styles, a man with bravery; integrity and most of all compassion. John Cena, whether you like him or you don't like Mr. Styles, he's a man with honor, pride and heart. What do these two have in common, both had enemies that tried to unmessilessly destroy them. HOW DO WE KNOW THAT MR. STYLES WAS WASTED THAT NIGHT? AND WHY WOULD THE PROSECUTION BLATENTLY SAY THAT MY CLIENTS MR. STYLES AND DIXIE CARTER WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR WHEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE FASLE?! You the jury must acquit my clients before you have them arrested and imprisoned unfairly!
Captain Olimar (in the Jury) sweat drops
(Madison Rayne is on the witness stand)
Madison (annoyed): Okay, why am I here, again?
Kaz: To testify against AJ Styles.
Madison: Ugh! I already told you Kaz, I don't know nothing OR ANYTHING about your stupid investigation.
Kaz: Can you humor us a bit and tell us where you last saw AJ Styles.
Harvey: Objection, Your Honor!
Mentok: Overruled! I want to know about her ventures.
Madison (annoyed): UGH! Buying a drink at the vending machine. Can I go now? I didn't miss 4 hours of flight to testify in court?
Mentok: Yes, she can. Being queen of the world is a lot harder than it looks.
Madison: Thank you Your Honor.
Madison tries to leave but the Pikmin glare at Madison blankly
Madison (toward Pikmin): Don't even think about it.
Pikmin turn a whitish color. Madison blows a whistle. They turn back to their original color. Madison leaves and all 100 Pikmin follow
Harvey: Dixie, how would you rate AJ Styles as a human being.
Dixie: An upstanding individual-
Mentok: On what basis?
Daniels: We have photographic proof that AJ Styles got Clair Lynch pregnant while they were drunk!
(Kaz flips the light switch and shows the photos. Everyone in court mutters among themselves)
Kaz: What do you have to say about that Birdman?
Mentok: Hate to say it Harvey, but it looks VERY CONVINCING…
(Courtroom doors open, Alexis Rhodes comes in with a vanilla envelope)
Daniels: DON'T LET HER IN HERE!
Mentok: Okay, I'll let her in.
Alexis: Save it, Kaz. I'm Miss Lynch's attorney.
Harvey: Oh this can't be good…
Alexis: I've been requested to read this. This is Clair's final testimony.
Mentok: Oh, this gonna be good. I can't wait! Lemme peek inside your mind!
Alexis: No, thank you.
Alexis opens the folder and pulls out a paper.
Alexis (reading): To everyone who I've hurt and to anyone who's concerned,
On the evening of a certain time and place (which I cannot and will not disclose) I was approached by Mr. Daniels and Mr. Kazarian help them be apart of a scheme to demoralize and defame Mr. Styles. A scheme that involved blackmail. Furthermore, I was never pregnant. By the time you read this, I'll have already turned myself into the police. To everyone who I care and love, I hope that one day; you can be able to forgive me.
(dramatic music. Everyone glares at Kaz and Daniels with angry looks)
Tea Gardner: YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!
Kane: Normally, I'd feel good about myself knowing these two embraced the hate, but for some reason… I feel… rather unfulfilled…
Mentok: Couldn't agree more, big man. AJ Styles and Dixie Carter; you're free to go. But Kaz and Daniels, I sentence you to 7 years torture with KANE! AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE LIKES (so long it's legal.)
Mentok bangs his brain gavel. Everyone, except Kaz and Daniels cheers as 3 Cheers for the Red White and Blue is played by George W. Bush's secret service
-Sebben & Sebben, Harvey's Office-
AJ Styles: OOOWWEE! Am I glad that's over.
Dixie Carter: Those two are getting exactly what they deserve.
Harvey: Couldn't agree more. Though I wasn't expecting her to come in.
Alexis: Be glad I saved your ass, Harvey. I almost let you take the fall, but I'd be no better than them.
Gail Kim: Anyone seen Madison?
Peanut: She went to the Pikmin Planet.
Captain Olimar is waving a leaf fan for Madison Rayne and the Pikmin are hard at work. Madison blows a whistle and lays on her stomach
Pikmin: (HMM HM!)
(the Pikmin start massaging Madison)
Madison: I could get used to this life. For little runts, you aren't so bad.
Captain Olimar groans unsatisfied
Madison: Faster you little runts.
Madison blows a whistle and the Pikmin respond quite well
(Harvey Birdman credits as Pikmin Theme (from the first game) plays in the background)