"Alicia?" Kalinda's voice made her slightly jump on her chair, snapping her from her thoughts. Sitting in the conference room, case related pictures scattered all over the table, Alicia was there physically, but her mind was everything but concentrated on their job. Her attempt with Peter officially failed the moment they both realized that there was still a third person in their marriage, like it or not. And the worst thing was, that third person was very likely totally unaware of it.
"Is… everything ok?" Kalinda seemed really concerned for her.
It took them so long to reconnect, to finally be able and have decent, mature and intimate conversations like they once used to. Nevertheless, there were things she still wouldn't discuss with her, still unable to fully trust her.
Some topics were still taboo. Peter, their reconciliation, those were things that Alicia still wouldn't and couldn't discuss with her. And for some sort of unspoken agreement, Kalinda wouldn't ask.
Alicia looked up to meet Kalinda's expectant look. Looking down, back at the papers in front of her, she wondered how much she knew. Until, with a faint voice, she asked her: "Do you know something about Will?" She then finally looked up to meet her eyes.
"Will?" she asked, looking confused. "What do you mean?" She obviously didn't know anything.
"I… We talked last night, after the hearing." The fact that they could still talk was probably taking Kalinda by surprise. After all, they had completely avoided each other for so long, that Alicia herself was surprised by last night's personal conversation. Kalinda's encouragement look gave her the strength to open up a little more.
"We met and… he told me he's going to marry her…" Alicia confided, a painful feeling at the mere thought.
Kalinda's look went from surprise to realization as she probably started to understand what had been going through Alicia's mind over the last few days.
"Is this… what's upsetting you?" She asked as confirmation of something that was so obvious.
Alicia remained silent for a while, not sure if she was really ready to go there again. Things between her and Will were always so complicated. And they got worse after the break-up.
When it came to her feelings for Will, Kalinda had been her shoulder for two years. And she knew for sure that after their fight, she became Will's shoulder instead, probably sharing the same kind of discussions.
"I thought I was over… this," Alicia said, her voice giving away a mix of regret and remorse. "I messed up everything, I broke his heart and mine," she paused. "I ended something that made me happy for…" She looked down and shook her head. "I don't even know for what…"
She had no idea what she even wanted from this conversation. A shoulder? Advice? Just sharing the pain with someone?
"What about Peter?" Kalinda's voice showed some hesitation. It was the first time she mentioned him in a long time.
"I...," Alicia was struggling to find the words. "He left… I…" For once, she was the one hurting Peter. He did it to her so many times, in so many ways, that she didn't even know why she felt so guilty.
"Was it about Will?" Kalinda's asked in confirmation of something they both knew.
Alicia slightly nodded, looking down. She heard Kalinda letting out a heavy sigh.
"What am I supposed to do, Kalinda?" She already knew she was probably not going to like the answer , but she needed to hear it. For her own good.
The answer was playing hard to get, making it even more painful.
Kalinda shook her head. "I don't know." Her look was sincere. "I think… Will is trying his best to move on."
Trying… Did that mean he still wasn't? That she still could take a last chance?
"I hurt him, didn't I?" Her question was more to herself.
"I believe… that he was into it, into you… more than you probably ever realized, Alicia." These words opened up her eyes to the impact that her decision to end their relationship probably had on Will.
She was sincere. She didn't want to hurt him, she didn't want to hurt herself either. Because that's what she did. She ended up hurting both of them. "I never meant to hurt him." Alicia felt the need to explain.
"I know it. But… things are different now," Kalinda was obviously referring to Callie.
Of course things were different, of course he was moving on. He had every right. Still, she couldn't stop thinking that this situation was a plain consequence of her decision to go back to Peter. She seemed to keep on making the wrong choices. And they were always coming home to roost.
"For some reason, I'm not expecting you to just sit and watch him marry someone else." Kalinda really knew her so well. "But, please… don't just act out of jealousy. Think about it, not once, but twice," Kalinda was begging her. "Is that what you really want? Is him that you really want?"
What did she want? She just sent her marriage to hell for him, was that a proof enough of what she wanted? She didn't know anymore.
Looking up at Kalinda, she saw the concern on her face. She'd been stuck between them for so long that she probably got to know their feelings for each other more than they both did.
"I'll think about it," she promised. But they both knew that she had already decided.