Seinfeld Fanfiction: The Bikelock System

STANDUP:

Jerry: Why do they call it Jay? IT'S NOT HAY!

(the audience roars with laughter, a clear sign that Jerry Seinfeld is going to die in this episode)

ACT 1:

(Jerry is making a piece of toast using nothing but his feet, causing his to slice his big toe off)

(Kramer destroys Jerry's door)

Kramer: Mr. Jerry, did you see the playoff at the Super Bowl? Kakrsa Satan killed half of the members!

Jerry: No Kramer, I haven't, but I recorded it! Yay! Woohoo! Yeah! Oh wow! Yay!

(Kramer and Jerry cheering goes on for another minute until Jerry punches Kramer in the face)

Kramer: What be that for mah frand?

Jerry: I don't like you and I don't like your face!

Kramer: We can work something out! :)
(the background changes from Jerry's apartment, to a beautiful rainbo)

Jerry: I'm so sorry for punching you in the face! I should have punched myself in the face!

(George suddently walks in to Jerry's apartment with a look of guilt on his face)

Kramer: What's wrong Mr. Gargfield?

George: You know what.

Jerry: No we don't! Tell us before I stick a pencil in yo eye!

George: No!
(Jerry grabs a pencil and pokes out George's eye)

George: AGGAGAAGAGAAGAG!1FNSRGR AAHAAHAHA! NO NO! OW! OOWWOWOWOW!

Jerry: Will you tell us now?

George: NO! ERAH! ERAH! ERAH!

(Jerry pokes out Georges other eye, blinding him for the rest of his life)

[the setting is now at Monkey's Cafe or whatever it's called]

(Elaine is sitting with a strange man is a black coat)

Man: You gotsa my money?

Elaine: What money? Monkey? Monky?

(the audience members begin roaring with laughter, however, most of the members are seven year old children and forty year old men)

Man: Justa give it toa me!

Elaine: Okay, but you owe me! I can't afford to loose anymore kittens!

(Elaine gives the man jaksakazillion dollars)

Man: Thunk Gawd ya gave me da money! Nowa I won't havea to kill you!

Elaine: Better then you killing my mother! Ha haer!

Man: I KILLED HER! WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH!

Elaine: That's okay, mother is just a term for robots made to murder internet cel-

(Elaine breaks down into tears because this is the 90's and she spoke of the internet)

(the set explodes and the actors are wounded)

[the classic music plays as the strange man pulls out a pocket knife and runs out of the building]

ACT 2:

[the setting is now back at Jerry's apartment where screams of terror can be heard]

Jerry: Hey Krazalamata, you want a drinkzalamata?

Kramer: Of course! Who do you think I am? Cleverbot?

(the audience is confused and the actors break into tears for fifty minutes)

George: Anyways, where do you think I can find a new woman?

Jerry: I know where you can, but you have to tell us the secret!

George: FINE! FINE! Fine, fine. Okay, I was out on a date, and I threw my wife out of the window!

Kramer: Wow, that musta suckaed! Why?

George: Shut up Kramal! Tell me where I can find a woman!

Jerry: At Markaosmkfmdgk Avenue, go to the sewers and eat a beard! Then jump off a b-

(the DVD is frozen, just give it a second)

(DISC IS FIXED)

George: Wow! That's all I have to do? Wow!

Jerry: Yeperayams!

(George grabs some mustard and throws it at Jerry Seinfeld)

Kramer: Mwahahahaha!

Jerry: Lawl

George: HA

(Elaine walks into the apartment, never mentioning the events that took place in Cafe Monkey)

Elaine: Jerry? Can I have seventeen million dollars?

Jerry: Why?

Elaine: So I can pay for some TV! Gahl!

Jerry: No. Way. No. How. No. Cheese. No. Kill. No. Die.

Elaine: NO NO NO NO! SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE MONEY!

(Elaine grabs a gun and shoots out Jerry's window)

Jerry: Awa! Comea on! I have to pay for that!

(The two get into a brawl which leads to them falling out of the window)

George: Where's Superman? He'll save us!

Kramer: Let's see what's on TV!
(Kramer uses a kitchen knife to turn on the TV)

THE NEWS: George Coachstanderbell was seen at the site of the crime, for now, we have reason to suspect he is responsible for the death of Joarka Coachstanderbell.

George: Oh no! They know!

Kramer: This is stupid!

(Kramer changes the channel to Beavis & Butthead, which causes Kramer to have seizures and pass out)

George: Why are Beamvis and Bertherd eating a bana?

(George grabs a bana and jumps out of Jerry's window)

(The remaining footage of ACT 2 is a still photo Kramer passed out on Jerry's floor)

ACT 3:

[the setting is now at the hospital]

Some Guy: Mr. Kramer, I'm afraid they're all dead.

Kramer: Wha? Huh?

Some Guy: They died on impact.

Kramer: I was passed out, so I wouldn't know.

Some Guy: I'm so so sorry, you want a bana?

Kramer: No, I'm going to protest Velis & Baerbhet, that show gave me seizures!

Some Guy: NOT IF I CAN STOP YOU!

(Some Guy pulls out a gun and shoots Kramer)

Kramer: Nice try! I'm imortal!
(Kramer shoots lazers from his eyes, killing the doctor instantly)

Kramer: Alaavista. BABEH!

(Kramer turns into a werewolf and jumps out of the nearest window)

{THE CREDITS ROLL AS IT IS THE END OF THE EPISODE}