"What am I doing?" I said as I crumpled the piece of paper up and threw it towards the litterbin. Writing letters had never been my speciality, and certainly not when they were to someone I really hated or…

I had no idea of how many pieces of papers I had torn to smithereens, but I could see that my litterbin was filled to the edge already. Even small balls of white paper lay around it. Damn it, I emptied it yesterday.

Damn it, can it really be that hard to write a letter? What am I afraid of? That he'll give me a disgusted look? That he'll yell at me? Hurt me? What?

I took a deep breath as I took a new piece of paper and placed the pencil at the top of the white paper.

"How should I start this?" I mumbled to myself as I stared at the blank paper like it would have an answer for me.

Dear Protozoan. "No, no, no!" I yelled frustrated and crumpled the paper. I sighed as I let the paper ball fall down beside the litterbin, joining all the other balls of paper.

A new piece of paper.

Dear Shizu-chan. I pulled away and stared at the paper, tilting my head. "Hmm, yeah. That's a good start." I nodded to myself. Well done. Now that I've gotten this far, I deserve a break. I need some hot chocolate!

"Ahh.." I sighed in relief as I got up from the chair and stretched my body. I've been sitting down for several hours, so I really needed to walk around.

I made my way to the kitchen, finding a cup and the chocolate liquid. Ah, yes. This was definitely what I needed. I found a little pot in the cupboard and put it on the stove. Pouring the contents in the pot, I turned it on, slowly letting it heat the pot up.

Glancing out of the window I noticed snow falling ever so softly against my window. It was winter after all and cold, so hot chocolate sure was a brilliant idea. I stirred in the pot and inhaled the sweet scent of chocolate. Umm, I always got this strange need for strawberries whenever I smelled chocolate. How strange.

Deciding not to eat strawberries, since there weren't any for sale at this time of year, I made my way back to my small office. I sighed as I noticed the piece of paper. I took a sip of the hot chocolate and placed the cup on the coaster. Back to work. Although this really wasn't work, it was hard work for me to write a simple letter. Sigh.

"Dear Shizu-chan.." I read aloud. Damn it! That sounded so… mother-like. I sighed once again and crumpled the paper, letting it fall to its doom on the floor.

"I could replace the 'dear' with a 'hey'!" I exclaimed happily as I grabbed a new piece of paper and scribbled what I just said down.

"Hey Shizu-chan." I said happily with a smile on my lips. That smile soon disappeared as I noticed that it sounded more ridiculous than the 'dear'.

I let my head fall down onto the desk with a loud thud. I groaned in annoyance as I crumpled the paper and tossed it over my shoulder, not even bothering about the litterbin anymore.

That was when I got a brilliant idea.

I sat up straight again and wrote something else on the paper than 'hey' and 'dear'.

Shizu-chan.

"Much better!" I smiled satisfied. "Okay, I will stick to this now." I mumbled to myself.

I had so many things I wanted to write down, but I doubted that it would be able to fit on the paper.

I leaned back in my swivel chair, spun around a few times as I bit on the end of the pencil to think of a way to reword what I was thinking.

Shizu-chan

It's been several years since we've seen each other.

"No." I mumbled and threw the piece of paper away.

Shizu-chan

Do you really hate me?

"Nope." I raised a brow and threw that paper away too.

Shizu-chan

I stared at the nickname, tapping the pencil against my cheek as I thought about what to write.

I love you.

All these years we have despised each other. They were in vain. For me that is.

I stopped and stared at what I had written and was about to crumple the paper, but stopped. "It is what I want to say…" I mumbled, blushing a bit.

Yes, I loved teasing you, mocking you. Even hating you. Wanting to kill you.

'I hate you.'

Those three words. Is that just a façade? Am I afraid of approaching my own feelings when I cast those words at you?

What is hate?

Just a bad excuse to stay close to you?

I stopped and stared at the paper. "I was doing so great.. and now, I've got a writer's blockage. Great." I sighed and lay the pencil beside the paper.


A few hours had passed since I last wrote on the letter.

Just a reason to dig my feelings deeper down? Letting them be put away in the darkest corner of my heart?

Finally I realized what my feelings meant. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I do not think it will be necessary to throw any more heavy objects at me.

I couldn't help but laugh a bit at that. I wanted a somewhat funny comment in the letter or it'd become too dark and sad.

Shizu-chan. Hate and love are two different things and I have been stuck with the fake word in my brain for so long now. I just want to get rid of it and use the right word from now on.

I love you.

"That's about it I guess." I mumbled and read the whole letter in my head:

Shizu-chan

I love you.

All these years we have despised each other. They were in vain. For me that is.

Yes, I loved teasing you, mocking you. Even hating you. Wanting to kill you.

'I hate you.'

Those three words. Is that just a façade? Am I afraid of approaching my own feelings when I cast those words at you?

What is hate?

Just a bad excuse to stay close to you?

Just a reason to dig my feelings deeper down? Letting them be put away in the darkest corner of my heart?

Finally I realized what my feelings meant. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I do not think it will be necessary to throw anymore heavy objects at me.

Shizu-chan. Hate and love are two different things and I have been stuck with the fake word in my brain for so long now. I just want to get rid of it and use the right word from now on.

I love you.

I felt how the lump in my throat became bigger and made it hard for me to swallow. I was dead nervous. How on earth was I going to give this letter to the stubborn, thick-headed blonde I seem to love so much?

"I wonder if he'll even understand what I'm writing." I sighed.

I wanted this letter to be perfect in some way. I didn't want Shizuo to see that I'd been erasing so many times to write a damn letter.


Just something quick! I don't know if I'll make a story out of this or not... but umm, yeah. If I get enough reviews I might just do it :)