This is a sequel to "Nice Guy". It helps to have an understanding of MST3K or at least read the first fic. That being said, prepare thyself for
A Magnificent Bastard Production
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Out in the cold reaches of space, there once sat a satellite. It was meant to be a place of torture, but it's inhabitants turned it into a place of warmth (well, maybe not) love (not really) WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT! (Sorry) Anyway, it went the way most satellites go. It burned up in Earth's atmosphere. Although most satellite aren't shot into space with an average joe and his robots and forced to watch bad movies so a mad scientist can take over the world, but that is beside the point. The point is a new satellite has just appeared in the orbit of the old one. We hear a chorus of mad laughter as the camera pans down towards the Earth.
***Chapter 1 What a wisecracker
We see a gold-beaked robot sitting in a bar, surrounded by two buxom young ladies known as the Puma Sisters. He is talking very animatedly as the ladies look on in rapt attention
C: So there I was, Mark had just been turned into a drooling idiot, Tom's head exploded, and Gypsy was up to her neck in space pods.
Ana: I thought you said the human's name was Mike?
C: Mike, Mark, whatever. Anyway, so all I did was beam the pods out into the sun, where they melted harmlessly.
U: Wow! You were so brave!
A: And cute, come here lover boy!
Both sisters go to kiss him, but Crow is teleported out of the bar. Both sisters stop
A & U: Damn. This happens on too many dates.
We see Tom Servo floating his into an office that has "S & F Detective Agency" embossed on the door. He floats over to his sectary's desk. It's Felicia from Darkstalkers. She is sitting at the desk, trying to type
F: Gah! I can't work on this machine! My hands are useless!
T: Now you know I feel. Any calls?
F: No, and Artemis has gotten in my catnip again. He's sleeping it off in the closet
T: Still can't get in touch with Luna, huh?
F: That's not the problem. What's wrong is that the Senshi are still under Oscar's command.
T: why? Oscar's dead. We all saw him die.
F: I know. That's what (before she can finish all three of them are beamed away)
We see a boardroom. Gypsy is addressing a bunch of executives. She has been rebuilt. She now resembles Bridget Jones, if Ms. Jones was metallic, purple, and had one big flashlight in the middle of her face
G: Gentlemen, Gypsycom is now the largest corporation in the world. But we need new software in order to make sure that Gates doesn't (before she can finish, she is taken away in a beam of light)
Executive #1: Wow, I guess Gates really doesn't like losing
We see Mike Nelson in all of his jumpsuited glory. He is pacing back and forth, all the while reciting some lines
MN: Brianna, will you, no that won't work. Ms. Diggers, I would be honored if you were to accompany me to, no, too corny. Brianna, I love- (he gets beamed out)
SOL Mk. II
We see Crow, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, Mike Nelson, & Joel Robinson. They all appear at the same time.
MN: You! Where the hell am I now?
C: Not here again
T: Crow! Mike! Joel!!
The robots all go over and embrace their creator (well, the ones who have functional arms anyway)
G: We're back on this damn ship again. How is this possible?
J: I don't know Gypsy (the Mads Light starts to flash)
M: Well, lets find out what's happing first (he pushes the button)
We see Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, the Observer, and several miscellaneous people in the background
PF: Hello Nelson, Robinson, Gobots
MN: Mrs. Forrester?
JR: Who is that?
MN: Dr. F's mom. I don't know the other two though
PF: Allow me to introduce my assoc. Professor Bobo is an intelligent ape from an alternative dimension.
B: Hello Bright Eyes
PF: And I rescued Brain Guy here when you blew up his home world Nelson
O: I prefer the title Observer, if you don't mind Mrs. Forrester
PF: Actually, I do mind. We will get revenge on you for the death of my son Clayton, and the destruction of his dream!
O: and the death of my planet too, right?
PF: sure, sure
MN: But I don't know what you're talking about!
PF: Whatever, Nellstone. Anyway, We have gathered some old playmates of yours, and we are going to send them to you, so you don't get lonely. Oh, and boys? Don't try to escape. There are no communications, no Hamdingers, no nanites, and just enough air up there to last you 1 day, and that's it. Brain Guy? Send the Avatars
There is a sense of panic aboard the SOL.
T: AHHHH! We're all going to die!
G: Get a grip Tom!
T: How? My hands don't work! What kind of a sadistic bastard would build a robot and not give him any useful appendages!
G: CALM DOWN AND LISTIN TO ME! We are going to have to split-up. Joel, do you have anything useful on you?
J: (pats himself) Yes, I think I do have a way to contact somebody.
G: Good, use it. As for the rest of you, start running, and hopefully Joel can get in touch with someone who can help us.
T: What if he can't?
C: Then kiss your RAM chips good bye old buddy
They each pick a different corridor of the ship and start running
We see the Enterprise-E appear off the starboard bow of the SOL.
Inside the bridge, we see none other than Marissa Picard in the command chair, sort of.
She is now just a severed head stuck on a machine. Her face is covered in 3rd degree burns and she is as bald as Jean-Luc. Behind her is her husband and whipping boy Jay Gordon, red shirt Ross Lockard, and an unidentifiable person manning the helm. It's none other than Ensign Throwaway!
T: Admiral, we are within teleporter range. Shouldn't we just blow them up with our weapons sir?
Ross walks over and kicks Throwaway in the back of the head
R: Her royal majesty wants her victims to suffer, that's why she is beaming the Avatars over! Now get to it!
T: Aye, sir (begins beaming the Avatars over)
We see Crow running down a hall. He is looking around wildly, as if expecting the very walls to reach out and grab him. Suddenly, we see a long, snake-like appendage shoot out the of the darkness and wrap itself around Crow's neck!
Voice: No where else to go robot.(A man steps out the shadows. He is wearing blue jeans, and a T-shirt with big S on it. The appendage is coming from his open fly.) Bet you were made from some Slant weren't you? I'm going to crush the life out of you, and then I'm going use your beak as a condom! Prepare to feel the onslaught of my All-American Balls as they knock your beady eyes out of your sockets! Cause Superjizz said so!
Suddenly, we hear a muffled explosion, and we see a young Japanese girl enter. She is wearing a green tunic over a black bodysuit. She also has purple hair. She is Miko Mido, the LA Blue Girl!)MM: This isn't the Shikima realm, is it?
Superjizz has dropped Crow, and is now advancing our favorite sexcraft ninja.
SJ: I was just going to kill the bot, but I think screwing you would be a added bonus.
C'mere ! ( his sprouts 3 more tentacles and lunges for Miko)
MM: Sorry, your not my type ( she toss several darts at him, one of which imbeds itself in his left eye socket)
SJ: Ahh! My eye! I was just going to screw ya, but now..(his tentacles have now grabbed Miko by the arms and legs, tosses her down on her stomach, and has ripped the crotch out of her bodysuit, exposing her anus and pubic area and coating the rest of her with his precum ) I'm going to shove this so far up your ass, my jizz is going to shoot right out of your nose!( he revels an another tentacle, this one almost as big as his entire body)
Meanwhile, Crow has been deciding on what course of action he should take
C: Well, she did try to save me. Could I do no less for her? ( he gets a running start and leaps onto too Superjizz's back) Hei-kiba!( he slams his beak into Superjizz's other eye)
SJ: AHH! I'm blind! (he lets go of Miko) When I get my hands on you…woulahhhhh!
MM: AOI TATSUMAKI! ( using her special attack, Miko has just finished off Superjizz)
MM: Well that is that. (finally gets a good look at Crow) What are you anyway? You sort of remind me of Nin-Nin
C: Well ma'am, I'm Crow T. Robot, and you are on the Satellite of Love
MM: Ah. Well, could you direct me to a shower? I need to get this guy's cum off of me, and I am going to need some new pants, it's kinda cold in here.
C: no problem, I know this ship like the back of my claw (he lets Miko go in front of him, while he strays behind. It seems to the rip in her pants gives him a unobtrusive view of her nether regions)
Well, enough of the fanservice lets see what's happing to the other guy, Joel Robinson
He is holding a transmitter of some kind, and he is exchanging words with it.
JR: You have already sent some people up here, Doc? Good, I knew I could count on you. But they will be selected at random, and we don't know where they will show up, just like last time. Ok, but what about, oh, you're having some of your people handle it. Very well. I –offff!( a well placed boot catches Joel right in the breadbasket)
We see Oscar(in his Super-Saiyin 1 form) walk out. Behind him are all 5 Inner Senshi!
O: You might have survived my work, but you won't survive me! Girls? Hold Mr. Robinson down
IS: (they all have glazed eyes and slack mouths) yEs mAsteR
JR: You won't hear me scream you bastard (he manages to break free and begins to run down the hallway. He passes a corner, when a gloved hand reaches out and pulls him into a alcove. We see its none other than Neo-Moon, along with the Neo-Senshi[Neo-Moon is Chibi-Moon grown up, and the rest of them are the 4 Sisters]
NM: Calm down Mr. Robinson, We are here to help.
JR: Wait, don't I know you?
NM: The doc sent us, don't worry, we'll handle the Senshi.
JR: But what about Oscar?
We hear a deep voice come out the shadows
Voice: I'll take care of that disgrace( we see some movement, and hear some footsteps)
NM: Oscar is going to have his own problems in about a minute. You should get to the bay area and wait there. We'll see that your friends arrive there safely, you have our word on it.
JR: Okay, I'll meet you there.( he runs off)
NM: C'mon team, lets go out there and free the Senshi, right?
We see Vegeta battling Oscar, and it looks like Oscar is getting the unholy Hell beat out of him/her/it.
O: Girls! Help ME!
IS: We HeAR AnD ObEY, MaSTeR ( the Senshi attack Vegeta, but he sends them sprawling with no problem)
NM: Let us handle the Senshi, Vegeta, you worry about the herm.
V: Fine by me, just keep them out of my way. SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK!
His blast knocks Oscar through several deck plates while the old Senshi & the new prepare for their own battle. Oscar slowly gets up. One eye is completely swollen shut, his nose is totally crushed, and several teeth are missing. We see Vegeta standing over him.
V: How the Hell did such a weakling like you ever become one of us?
O: D-D-Dragon balls, made a wish, please don't kill me, I only wanted some sex…
V: (snarls, then we see his fists glowing white) Tough. Prepare to be sent to Hell! (he lets his chi ball go, and it disintegrates Oscar and the surrounding parts of the ship) my duty is over (he presses a stud on his belt, and he vanishes a burst of light)
With Oscar dead, the Senshi seem disoriented. They have split up, so only Sailors Moon and Mercury are seen. At the moment, they are facing their Neo counterparts and are holding their own
SM: WiLL destroy yOu, ThE MaStEr-unghh! (she grips her head and falls down.) Neo-Moon looks on though her tears and blasts Sailor moon with her healing wand. Sailor Moon screams and passes out.
NM: Forgive me Mother (she cradles her mother's head in her lap) Damn you Oscar
Down the corridor a bit Sailor Mercury is fighting Neo-Hermes. Mercury still has a dazed look on face, but so far she is the one winning
SMe: (blood begins pouring out of her nose, but she pays it no mind) YoU will die imposter! Bubble Attack! (the corridor is filled with fog)
NH: HYOUDEN! (the fog becomes ice, trapping both Mercury and Hermes in a icy womb) Nothing personal Ami (using the close quarters to her advantage, Hermes delivers a rapid barrage of blows to Mercury's upper body, knocking the mind-controlled Senshi out. Hermes reaches down, slings the fallen Senshi over her shoulder, and starts punching her way out of the ice)
We see the both Neo-Moon & Hermes standing over the prone forms of Moon & Mercury
NH: Will they be okay?
NM: I hope so, they have been under Oscars control for a while, so I don't know what condition their minds will be in.(sighs) lets check in on the others
We cut to
Sailor Mars is engaging in a firefight with Neo-Aries. Mars is bleeding from the nose and eyes, and she seems to fighting her self as well.
SMa: Fireball! (the shot goes wild, and dissipates before it covers 2 inches) What's happing to me?
NA: (using Mar's confusion to her advantage) SHUANETSJI GOKU! ( a wall of fire floods the hallway, and Mars goes down) Rei! ( runs over to Rei's prone form, she is shaking and looking around wildly)
SMa: Where am I? Last thing I remember was being introduced to some foreign exchange student that Usgai had brought to the temple. How did I get here?
NA: I'll explain later Rei, but first we had better find the rest of the Senshi
We see Neo-Zeus and Aphrodite engaging Jupiter and Venus in a fight, while Artemis looks on
SV: CoME hoME KiTty, the MasTEr HaS a nEw tUbe of K-Pro Jelly he want try on you
(while she is talking, Neo-Aphrodite walks up behind her and gives her a right cross that would make Ali himself proud)
NAp: Hopefully, Oscar is either dead or out of it, so his mind-control should lose its effect in a bit
The fight between Zeus and Jupiter is at a standstill. Both have fired an attack at the exact some time
S -Ju: Lighting bolt!
The bolts cancel themselves out, but Mako has collapsed on the floor, writhing in pain
Mako: cold, cold, cold, pain , want go home, want to go home(she curls up in a little ball and sits rocking herself)
NZ: Cmon, lets get them out of here
All the Neo-Senshi have gathered with the old Senshi
NM: We'll have to teleport them back to the doc's. Hopefully he can undue the damage that pervert did to their minds
Zeus: What about the people here?
NM: They just have to fend for them selves for just a little while longer, but hopefully we will be able to rescue them before time runs out
They use the Sailor Teleport and disappear
Breathtaking isn't? We've seen Crow and Joel, now lets check on the resident phallus symbol of the SOL, Tom Servo!
We see Tom and Felicia running down another hallway, when they both run into a massive wall of muscle. It's Bane!(he is dressed up like Big Van Vader and has several tubes running up to his head)
B: Alright fanboy, time to die!(as he says this, he suddenly gains more muscle)
T: That's OTAKU!!( he flies over bane's head & drops down onto Bane's head, blocking his eyes)
T: I hope I'm right about this, Felicia! Hit his belt buckle with all you got!
F: Right!( she does so, and Bane begins to grow)
B: Stupid Mooines! I will crush you! What? No, can't stop (he keeps growing) Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!(he screams as his skeletal structure is crushed by his ever expanding mass)
T: We gotta go! Follow me!(he and Felicia run like mad as Bane's body is oozing after them)
In the bath area on the SOL
C:[wow, this place is an exact replica of the old SOL] Well, we're here miss Mido
MM: Finally. Can you look for me something to wear?
C: (coolant drooling out of his moth) Sure(he begins rummaging around in the lockers)
As Miko begins to shower, Crow settles in for a good show. But 'tis not meant to be as we hear Tom screaming off in the distance
MM: What was that?(She turns the shower off and grabs a nearby green jumpsuit)
C: Trouble. That was my friend, we had better go help him
We see them exit the hallway. On their left, we see the quickly disappearing forms of Tom & Felicia. On their right is the advancing form of bane
C &MM: SHIT!! (they take off running)
We see Gypsy walking down towards the bay area, when she is stopped by a teenager wearing a green T-shirt. It's Victor Von Doom!
VVD: It's dying time baby!
G: Oh, go bother someone else( a light shoots out of her eye and Doom is taken away)
We see Vic reappear in the middle of a throne room. On the throne is the absolute of Latveria, Dr. Doom!
DD: Doom doesn't tolerate those who sully the name of DOOM!
With a causal flick of his wrist, Dr. Doom has obliterated the offensive teen
And now for something completely different
We see Observer walking down the hall. He is musing aloud
O: Strange. Pearl said Mr. Nelson destroyed my world, yet I can't recall one thing about it. I don't remember any facts about it, nor anything involving my culture. It's like I never existed before today. This is very odd (he opens a door. Inside is a young woman with green hair, glasses, and a long T-shirt. She is up to her waist in a cooking pot, and she is playing a banjo and singing)
Girl: "I'm singing in the porridge, signing in the porridge, and I'm not wearing any pants"
And now back to space
We see Cambot floating. He is passes a corner and smacks into Tom "Da Dragon" Dryon
He is busy posing and listing his many skills
TD: You can not hope to beat the man who bagged Asuka! Nor the (while he is talking, we see the master himself, Bruce Lee, come up behind him)
BL: You should go now little one(Cambot nods, and zips off toward safety) Way of the Dragon, the Dragon sees a path (using his two-inch punch, Bruce has knock Tom into the wall, where he leaves a nice indent of his head) the dragon uses the path (Bruce picks Tom up, and does a roundhouse kick that shatters Tom's nose) Dragon achieves victory (Bruce does his famed flying kick, and knock Tom down a conveniently located shaft)
Bruce bows his head and disappears in a flash of light
We see Mike running towards the bay area.
MN: I'm going to make it!(he runs into Pipkin) Oh, me and my big mouth
P: Not so fast flesh bag, let me work my mojo on you and your friends will be mine! Especially the Digger sisters. They are all in my fantasy file, let me tell ya.
MN: No you won't ! (he whips out a katana and slices at Pipkin)
P: You Missed! (he pulls out his boxing glove gun) If I were you, I'd be begging for mercy!
MN: If you were me, you'd be good looking!
Voice: URANUS WORLD SHAKING! (a ball of energy shots out and blows up Pipkin's gun)
P: You? But how?
We see Sailor Uranus emerge from the shadows.
SU: Need any assistance ? (she pulls out the Space Sword, while Mike retrieves his katanna
Suddenly, Bret "the Hitman" Hart appears
BH: I thought you guys could use an extra hand
MN: Join In
BH: This one's for Samantha! (he puts Pipkin in a sharpshooter )
SU: This one's for Michiru! ( she runs him through)
MN: This is for dragging me and my friends back up here! (he cuts off Pipkin's head)
We now see the all of the Neo-Senshi in the bay area, along with out intrepid crew
NM: Everyone, get inside the circle, and we will teleport you all out of here!
Everyone else: OK
They beam themselves into Robinson's. Everyone is there, except Vegeta.
MN: Where's Vegeta?
NM: I don't know…
We see Vegeta onboard the Enterprise-E. He is discharging energy everywhere and killing as many crewmen as only he can
V: Taste death puny mortals!!
On another part of the ship
We see Ross running down the hall.
RL: Got to escape(he turns a corner and runs into a young blond woman.)
Woman: Pardon me, do you have any milk?
RL: Yes, (he is overcome with lust and gets her a glass of milk. While he is staring at her, she drinks it, and is transformed into the only superherione with a 90 inch bust, Milkmaid! )
RL: (drooling and starring at her chest) Hey, wanna see my "private log"?
M: No! I am sick of dealing with perverts and bad crossovers! (she beats his head into his body with the help of her dildo, "Equalizer")
On the Bridge, we see Marissa preparing to leave in the Captain's yacht. All left standing are Jay & Ensign Throwaway.
MP: 10101010101(translation = help me in the ship now ensign!)
T: What about me, sir?
J: you will stay here and die so that out leader may live
T: Oh, screw it! I am sick and tired of taking abuse from you and your P-whipped husband! Hell, I can't even tell what gender I am anymore! Hell with it, I'm taking the yacht myself (Throwaway shoots jay with an phaser, and tears Marissa's head out of the life-support machine and kicks it down the turbolift)
We see Observer and Bobo talking
B: I found this chip inserted behind my ear. When I removed it, I remembered how Pearl kidnapped me out of my dimension, what about you?
O: I remember Pearl blowing up my planet, and putting a control worm inside my brain. She was the one who destroyed my world! Not the is Nelson fellow
Pearl enters the room
PF: What the Hell are you two yard apes doing just standing here? We have lost most of our Avatars, the SOL just blew up, and they are probably storming the castle as we speak!( she notices that both Bobo and Observer are glaring at her) What?
O: Forrester, we would have words with thee!
B: Yeah, we're gonna grab your ass and call it chicken!
(Both Pearl and Brain Guy stare at Bobo, then ignore it and move on)
We see the castle crumble, right after we hear Pearl's screams of terror and fright
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Epilogue %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Crow is renting a flat with Miko
Tom has returned to being a private dick
Artemis got sent home
Joel still runs "Robinson's"
Observer is now the absolute ruler of a pocket dimension
Bobo is back home
Mike is now seeing Brianna Diggers and writing a book on bad movies
Gypsy is now one of the most powerful women on the planet
Cambot is now a journalist
All the Avatars are dead
And Magic Voce is ok. Joel downloaded her program before the SOL went up in part 1
The SOL ( Mk II) exploded when the Enterprise-E crashed into it
Dr. Doom is owned by Marvel Comics and Toy Biz
Mike, Joel and the rest are owned by Best Brains
Gold Digger is owned by Fred Perry and AP
Wendy is owned by Josh Leinsick
Milkmaid is owned by White Lighting Productions( BUY THIS BOOK. It's a damn good read)
All Avatars are owned by themselves
Dragonball Z is owned by Viz ( I'm pretty sure)
Star Trek is owned Paramount
Darkstalkers is owned by Capcom
Sailor Moon is owned by DiC(I guess)
Neo-Scouts created by Dr. Thinker(hope you don't mind the changes, Doc)
Bruce Lee appears without permission
All other characters owned by their respective owners
Thanks to: Ratliff (like your work ethic) Kris Overstreet & John Barret, Fred Perry. Patrick Brewington(the American Alan Moore), Jackie Chan, Bruce Campbell, and all the little people inside my head. Long, isn't it? Jolt, Lynxara, Nightbreak, Megane 6.7, Chris Rand, Jamielee Rocket and Mike Surbrook. You guys are damn good in my book
To Tom Servo: I'm sorry if my portrayal of your character was not accurate, but you have to understand that this is a parody, and should not be taken too seriously. It's just a fanfic, you should really just relax.
To Oscar: I have heard that you have died, if this true, then I am deeply sorry for the things I have said about you. If you are still alive, then Screw ya! I meant every word!
To some of writers I hope you all don't take too much offense at this.
To others, You should all pry that I never sober up.
It should be noted that this as close as I am ever going to get to writing about Sailor Moon. I don't think it's the best anime show, but I don't think it's the worst. I just don't watch the show. And I do realize that I probably got their attacks wrong. And that I misspelled some names and attacks. It was all intentional, I assure you
I have no plans for a part 3, (sorry) but I am re-releasing some of my earlier work, somebody could mistie that. I also have a few ideas for a lemon series, if anyone's interested
Thanks for everything
To paraphrase Pete Townshend: "to the detractors of me, to the detractors of my work: Fuck you; Be real, be cool, or stay out of my face"
I now present Nice Guy: Electric Boogaloo!
We see DJ Croft walking down the hall of the SOL. He is talking to someone in the shadows.
DJ: Have I mentioned how good I am? (the figure looks indifferent) then maybe this will impress you! (he drops his pants, and begins waving his area in the direction of the figure. She steps out of the shadows. She is wearing a leather halter-top and leather chaps. She has a look of utter indifference upon her face. She is the 9th wonder of the world, Chyna!)
C: (snorts) toothpicks
Then, with one mighty punch, she shoves DJ's testicle's up into his sinuses.
We see the Irate Rabbit walking down another hall. As she is walking around the corner, we see three gigantic spiders, with a young man riding on one of them. All 3 three spiders have ENORMOUS genitals.
TDM: Get that bitch! Rape her!! Rape her now!
One of the spiders moves in on the Rabbit. She calmly reaches out, and rips the first's spiders penis right off his body. Without breaking her stride, the she puts her foot into the 2nd spiders brain and beats the 3rd to death with his companion's corpse. The man does not look happy.
TDM: What are you doing?! She's just a woman for crying out loud! A walking jizz receptacle! You can still screw her ass!
While he is ranting, the Rabbit walks up behind him with a severed spider penis. Her left is twitching so much that we can barely see it.
IR: I think one of your friends lost this. Let me give it back to you…
We hear his muffled screams and when we look back, we see the spider's sexual organ has been bent and shoved into almost every body orifice a man has.
We see Acid Rain, Eleven, and Echowarrior walking down a hallway.
AR: What's the plan dudes?
EW: I know that our victory is assured, for I can see into the FUTURE!
We hear a rumbling noise. It gets closer, and all the Transformers look scared
11: What is that?
Before anyone else can answer, Megaweapon bursts through the wall. Acid Rain screams and transforms into her battle mode. Tragically for her, her form is a skateboard. Meagweapon runs over her and she is crushed into a thousand pieces. Echowarrior strides up to Megaweapon, but before he can do anything, 100 BFG's appear around Megaweapon, and he fires all of them at Echowarrior. EW is disintegrated utterly. Eleven looks as if he could piss himself, provided he had a urinary system. Megaweapon simply slams into him and catches his body on a large hook hanging on his side. Meagaweapon then proceeds to spin some donuts in the hallway and slam Eleven into the wall until he is nothing more but slag.
We see Nightman sulking down a hallway. Before he can do anything, we hear a booming voice shout
Voice: DO YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING? (The Rock enters)
R: Alright you roody-poo candy ass, the Rock does not like those who try and pass themselves off the Greatest Man in Sports Entertainment today! (In a rapid succession, the Rock hits Nightman with a clothesline, the Rock Bottom, and he finishes him off with the People's Elbow) Suddenly, Mick Foley comes out
MF: I heard ya needed a hand rocky, so Mr. Socko and I are going to give ya one. (He proceeds to choke slam the whining author)
We see Beeper(imagine a taller version of Tom Servo) floating down the hallway. Before he can comment as to where he has been all these years, the Great Red Serpent walks up, and starts pummeling the bot. But the sprit of the October Revolution, Octobriana, appears. She takes one look at the Serpent, and says this
O: "Red Serpent"? You are trying to oppress this robot's rights. Correct?
GRS: Fuck yeah I am.(he pulls out a HUGE cucumber out of his pants) And when I'm done with him, I'm going to shove this up your ass sideways!
O: Nyet comrade Serpent, I can not allow that. For I am Octobriana, the liberator of all oppressed people!(she draws her short sword and slices the cucumber to pieces)
GRS: (unerved, but still detreimed) I-I didn't need that any way. I'm still man enough to take any woman I want!
O: You are worse than that hypocrite Lenin! Your evil ways will stop here!(she quickly whips out her trusty laser pistol and shoots the GRS right between the eyes)
O: There little one, you are safe now. Would you like to come with me onboard my Wondership?
B: Beats staying around here(they leave)
We next see a sight that would cause most men's blood to run cold. We see Dark Sonic, Oni, Kefka, and Chris Cadwell walking down a corridor
DS: Boys, Make sure all the men die, but leave the women for me, understand?
CC: Sure thing boss!
Suddenly, in a flash of light, the Defenders appear! [their line-up this time consists of Dr. Strange, Submariner, the Hulk, the Silver Surfer, the Valkerirye, Hellcat, and Nighthawk]
V: Base villains, thou evil ways shall not go unpunished!
DS: A woman? Challenging us? How drool. Cadwell, you can handle the ladies, the rest of us get the men
They break off into their own fights. Cadwell vs. Val & Hellcat, Oni & Kefka vs. Nighthawk & Silver Surfer, and Dark Sonic vs. Dr. Strange, Submariner, and the Hulk
CC: I'm going to take you bitches just like I took my beloved Soulstone!
HC: Cheese & Crackers! Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to women like that? (As she says this, she jumps over him and plants a well placed boot to the back of his head. Chris is dazed by this, as Val comes over, her sword Dragonfang drawn)
V: For the pain you have caused, and for the evil you have inflected on women, I
CC: (recovering) Stuff it Slut! (any other remarks are cut off as Val grabs him by his neck and hoists him off of the ground)
V: Little man, you are out of your league ( with one swift twist, Val breaks Cadwells neck)
Nighthawk is holding his own with Kefka, while the Surfer is battling Oni.
K: I will break you before I kill you human!
NH: Been dead, got over it (he ducks under Kefka's claws, and he lets the monster have it with all of the missiles in his glider wing. While Kefka is dazed, Nighthawk takes off his wing, and he fires the jetpack up to full force. The glider wing impales the fury monster.
The Silver Surfer has had just about enough of Oni.
SS: You are a superior being, why do you weigh yourself down with such feelings of evil?
O: Because I can! (He swipes at the Surfer, but the silver one easily dodges it)
SS: I hate to use violence, but since you since you won't listen to reason…(using the power cosmic, the Surfer easily obliterates the demon)
The main fight
Sonic squares off against the three founding Defenders, a smug look on his face
DS: I will kill all of you, do you know that? (Before he can say anything else, the Hulk charges at him)
H: RAGGH! HULK SMASH STUPID LITTLE ANIMAL!! (with one punch, the jade giant slams the offensive hedgehog into the floor)
DS (rising to his feet) T-t-that hurt! (he raises his hands and looks as if he is trying to do a spell) What's wrong?!
Dr.S: By combing the Winds of the Omnipotent Osthur and the Bane of the Dread Dormauu, I have created a "magic free" zone. To put simply, your magic has no effect here.
DS: Noo! (He pulls out a knife) I will kill all of you! (He launches himself at Dr. Strange, but the Hulk stops him)
H: Furry animal try and hurt cape-man? Try and hurt Hulk's friend? THEN HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!! (the Submariner joins in)
SM: Let it be never said that the Avenging Son stood idly by while one of his friends was attacked! IMPERIOUS REX! (he launches himself at sonic, and with their combined efforts, they manage to bring the furry little bastard to his knees)
Dr. Strange walks over to them
Dr. S: By the Crimson bands, I banish you from this and any other dimension! (a portal opens up, and the sick mother fucking rodent is cast screaming into the abyss)
We see a young couple walking down the halls. The man is Alfa, and his girlfriend is Miranda. A blond man wearing a trenchcoat and smoking a French silk cigarette walks over to them. It's john Constantine!
JC: 'ello. Look, some of me mates are looking for you, and they are all quite pissed. So If I were you…
A: Stuff it old man, Nobody tells us what to do!
M: (placing her hands down Alfa's pants) Yeah!
JC: Alright, I warned ya.
We hear a rumbling, and a LARGE mechanical hand bursts in, and drags Miranda away. The next sound we hear is a sickening crunch, and a torrent of blood sprays out of the duct.
A: What the fuck?
JC: That was me mates' LITTLE sister. If I had to bet, I say yer were fucked royally, squire.
Alfa wets himself, and runs. But before he can get very far, he runs into Urd!
U: You made my sister cry.(She cracks her knuckles)
A: Sweet fucking hell!
U: You made my sister cry (She steps closer)
A: Ah, cmon, it was a natural biological urge! (Starts to paw at his urine soaked groin)
U: YOU MADE BELL-CHAN CRY! (With one gesture, Urd conjures up a fireball, which strips the flesh off Alfa's body, leaving only a burnt skeleton in place.) Nobody mess with my sister!
We cut to a normal house in the suburbs
We see Issei, Lisa Forester, Robert Tsnanui, and Hatchi Matchi slink their way up to the house.
HM: D lives here. When I give the word, we all charge, ok?
But before the evil doers can carry out their plan, Hunter S. Thompson appears, stoned and ready for bear.
HST: (his eyes now resemble static filled TV's) Damn, those bats get bigger every fucking time! (he opens fires with his Grizzly hand cannon, and immolates Issei, and Tsunani)
LF: Heck with this! (but before she can get very far, the great Red Shark pulls into the driveway. It has been modified to resemble the "Deathcoaster" from "Army of Darkness". Dr. Gonzo is driving)
G: YEEEHAHHH! (he chops Lisa into bloody bits, while Hatchi Matchi is beaten about the head with a baseball bat and impaled through the groin on one the car's door-mounted spikes) Don't mess with D you little shits! (he shallows a fist full of pills and passes out, while Hunter starts writing this down on D's typewriter)
Ah, but WHERE is D, you may ask? Well, let's check in on him
We see the writer engaged in a bloody street brawl with a rather gothic looking individual. The individual's name is Rudy Ciello, and he is holding his own.
RC: Alright, you otaku loser, prepare for a dose of what's real! Anime is stupid, it only sucks your money, and brainwashes kids to obey the group mind!
D: And only by doing exactly what you say can someone be an individual? Hypocrite!
D slams his knee into Ciello's groin, and Ruby screams like a dying rat.
RC: T-t-that's the same thing everybody does to me, why?
D: Maybe because you treat your fellow man like dirt, maybe because you don't understand how people think or your incapable of loving anything beside yourself, or maybe because your just a asshole! But don't worry, I won't kill you. "Turn the other check" the Good Book says.
RC: You place your faith in a book? Your dumber than I am. (Ruby gets up)
D: Sorry, but you misinterpreted me. I said I won't kill you. They will
Behind D is every anime character ever created. From Astro Boy to X, they are all there, and boy, do they look pissed!
D: He's all yours gang…
RC: Oh, poopie
The last shot we see is Ruby being beaten shitless by the outraged mob
D starts to walk away, but a portal opens up beneath his feet, and he falls into a place not unlike something from ASADAE.
D: Crap, another alternative reality.
Lord Exdeath swoops down
E: So, you are the one who mocks the great ones?
D: If by great you mean Kefka, then yeah.
E: Then, for the honor of my master, and for the sake of all good writers, I will kill you! Slaves! Get him! (As he says this, hordes of women come running out. They all look hypnotized and bloodthirsty)
D: All talk, just like your master (Dark Star shows up, but a snake fist from D sends him down, choking on his own blood)
Unwilling to fight the women (who all seem to bear some resemble to certain fan created characters) It looks rather grim for a writer. But, wait! Another portal opens up, and someone totally unexpected comes out! It's ASH!
A: Your D, right? The guys at the SVAM said you could use some help.
D: Damn straight I could! You handle the ladies, I'll get Exdeath!
A: Right! (The Deadite killer jumps headfirst into the crowd of anime women, much to his delight)
D: Alright pal, this time, it ends!
E: Why do you fight me? By combing our powers of bad fiction, we could rule the universe!
During their fight, part of exdeath's castle is destroyed. D is barely hanging to a pillar outstretched over a debris filled pit, with Exdeath cling to his legs
D: It seems we have bit of a dilemma here. While I like my own neck, I detest you and your ilk almost as much.
E: D, wait! With our Avatar powers, we could enforce our will on anybody! We could be greater than Gonterman, or Oscar!
D: (thinks about this for a minute) Sorry, but nobody is going to miss one less Author Avatar …
With that said, D lets go of the pillar.
Ash comes running over to the pits edge. He turns back, he head cast down in sorrow
A: Aw, kid, no…
We look down
On the very bottom lies Exdeath, impaled on several metal rods.
On a outcropping of rocks above him, lies D, laying prostrate, with a pool of blood spreading beneath him, a look of contentment etched on his features.
For D, writer, warrior, hack, bastard, pariah, and sometime nice guy, has finally found peace.
The REAL end
Hey, they were asking for it.
Chyna and the others appear without permission
I don't own any of these characters, please don't sue
All Hail the Queen of the nutshot!
The scene with Hunter S. Thompson was co-plotted with Patrick Brewington. Thanks for the help man!
Here are some story ideas I have. Some are real, others are red herrings designed to freak out the brave souls have are misting/reading thisPokemon/Evil Dead
We see Brock standing in a cabin with a shotgun, while zombie versions of Misty, Jesse, James, and Pikachu claw at the windows
J & J: You'll be dead before dawn!!
M: Join us!
P; Pika Pi! (I'll swallow your soul!)
We see Brock point the shotgun at the figures
B: Swallow this, bitch!(he fires the gun, and blows Pikachu apart)
You saw "Overfiend"
You saw "LA Blue Girl"
Prepare yourself for the next generation of erotic horror: LA Blue Crow
It's the worlds first crossing over of MST3K and LA Blue Girl!
3.Kodachi 1 /2
Just what you think it is folks
4.Wet Dream and her Porn Star Counterspies
Erotic comic spy spoof
Coming soon to a monitor near you (maybe)