Due the overwhelming response from my fans, I decided to continue the Nice Guy series.
Will there be a fourth? Well, that depends on you dear readers.
And now, On with the show!
Nice Guy 3
Prologue- Every show gets canned
We open with a shot of Bob Gurian. He is a rather poor excuse for a man. He will never know the sensation of running his hand over a stocking covered thigh, nor the soft, gentle probing of a woman's tongue in his mouth. But that doesn't matter to him. For tonight his life long dream is coming true. Yes, tonight is the very LAST episode of that twice accursed puppet show, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"! It has taken him most of his families money, but he finally got the Sci-Fi Channel executives to listen to reason.
As he begins his dance of joy at the shows closing credits, we hear a knock on his shacks door.
BG: What the Hell is it?
He stops his victory dance and makes his way to the door.
Standing outside of his hovel, in all of his beer soaked glory, is none other than Mitchell himself, Joe Don Baker!
JDB: Howdy! Gurian, right?
BG: WOW! THE Joe Don Baker at my house! I just loved "Final Justice"!
JDB: (bleaches) Yeah, whatever. Hey kid, do you hate those yard-apes over at Best Brains?
BG: More than life itself! Including all of their Canuck fans!
JDB: Good! Because I have a plan, one that's gonna get rid of all them little bastards for good! Come with me
And in short order, we arrive at Baker's house. (Ok, piss soaked trailer, but you get the idea) JDB: Kid, what if you could really kill those guys on that there satellite?
BG: I'd say your lying.
JDB belts Bob in the mouth with a bottle opener
JDB: I ain't finished talking you little shit! Now, This is a way to do that! This (he points to a machine behind him) is called an Interociter. It will transport you to the world of that damn show, and we can both get our revenge! What do you say? Are you with me?
BG: (wiping the blood from his mouth) Yes sir!
With that said, JDB turns on the machine, and Bob is taken away in a burst of light.
Chapter 1-"The Evil Dr. Forrester was hatching an evil scheme"
A beam of light appears right in the middle of the demolished ruins of the Gizmonic Institute. Bob steps out of the light, and stumbles around.
B: Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had all those beers! Damn it, I gotta piss something fierce! (Bob runs over and in quick order, unzips himself and begins to urinate on a particularly burnt piece of ground) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
After the yellow flood subsides, Bob begins to walk around, unaware of a hand bursting out of the ground, and a rather familiar laugh filling the air…
Chapter 2: He took a temp by the name of Mike, an average Joe he didn't like
We see the newly resurrected Dr. Clayton Forrester stand up. He calmly walks over to the clueless Bob, and taps the young man on his shoulder.
DR.F: Excuse me, but are you the one who brought me back to life?
Bob turns around, and is rather surprised by this particular turn of events
B: Well beat me shitless with a dead squirrel! You're that mad scientist guy from the show aren't you?
DR.F: What show?
B: Never mind, but now that you're here (he swings at him, and misses by a mile. Dr. F takes advantage of this. He grabs Bob by his head, and proceeds to slam his knee into Bob's face.)
Dr. F: Now, that was just plain rude. (Looking down on the wailing young man) I could use a man like you. (Thinking to himself) As bait, maybe. (Out loud) Join forces with me, I promise you your revenge!
B: (mulling it over) Sure, why not?
Bob misses the evil glance in Forrester's eyes as he says this.
Dr. F: Excellent! But first, we need allies. (He walks over the a slightly damaged device)
B: Hey! You have an Interociter too!
Dr. F: Really? Damn, I guess everyone really DOES have one of these. Oh well. Now, the reason my former partner and my dear mother's plans failed was because Mike and his friends had outside help. What WE are going to do is eliminate all sources of help then get launch those fools back into space once again!
B: Couldn't we just kill them?
Dr. F: Well, that too of course
Chapter 3-Squeling like a pig
We see Dr. Forrester, Bob, and Joe Don Baker talking in an unused sub-basement in Deep 13.
Dr. F: Well, the plan itself is a marvel of simplicity. Instead of attacking my former lab rats, we'll just eliminate all forms of assistance!
JDB: Sounds good doc, (he pauses to shove a roasted Cornish gamecock into his mouth)
But HOW are we going to do it? There's just the three of us.
Dr. F: Ah, but that is were you're wrong. You see by combining the power of both our Interociters, we can summon the only people truly qualified to drive Mike & Joel insane! MYHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (The other break down into their own maniacal laughter at this good news)
We see a young man wearing a yellow labcoat walking around a gargantuan lab. (It's Dr. Thinker for those of you at home) He's walking about his lab, when he hears a knock on his door.
Dr. T: Hmm, who could that be? Knocking at my chamber door some ambitious at this hour?
He opens it, and he is knocked back by a HUGE knee that slams him in his groin.
Dr. T: Ouch! (he passes out)
We see what did the damage. It's TORGO! The shambling man-goat slowly makes his way to the prone doctor's body, and tosses him over his shoulder.
T: ThE MaStEr'S WiLl bE PlEaSeD!
We see Torgo carry the unconscious writer with him. After a long, long, long while, the pair arrive at the new rebuilt Gizmonic Institute
T: I'vE dOnE aS YoU'D OrDeRaEd SiR. MaY I HaVe OnE oF YouR BrIdEs NoW? YoU HaVe sO mAnY, aND I So FeW.
Dr. F: For the last time, I'm not married! Just tie him up in the corner. Say Torgo, would you like me to fix those lumps in your knees?
T: LuMpS? WhAt lUmPs?
Dr. F: Err, Never mind. Now, with that goody-two shoes out of the way, there will be no one to rescue Joel or his friends! MYHHHA! I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty! (He begins to spank himself, but stops when Torgo and the others are giving him weird looks) What?
Chapter 4- "he conked him on the head and shot him into space"
We cut to
Mike Nelson, former temp, lab rat, and now successful writer, was practicing his morning ritual of swinging a sword around and generally making a unholy mess of things.
We see Mike's current love interest, Brianna Diggers, walking into the room, carrying a large box under her arm
BD: (in a sing-song voice) Oh, Mickey…
MN: Yes? (Rather oblivious)
BD: I got you something! (Her mood seems happy. Way too happy)
MN: Really? What is it?
But before this sickening sweet moment can go any father, an explosion rocks the house! As Mike goes to check on Brianna's safety, he stops as really cheesy keyboard music starts to play. Walking down to the ground, it's none other than the Puma-man!
P: Alright you scum, you're coming with me! Vito! Go over there and get them!
He's talking to his Inca sidekick (you know, the one who does all the work)
V: That's not my name Tony. Screw it, you want them so bad, get them yourself white boy. (With that being said, he storms off)
P: Well, who needs you anyway? I'm the one with the belt!
But while they are having this argument, Brianna and Mike have recovered.
BD: Mike, Shall I do the honors, or do you want to?
MN: Sure, why not? (He reaches into the box Brianna was carrying. Inside is a medium length broadsword.) Oh honey, you remembered! Take that you gloriously unfunkified superhero! (With one mighty swing, Mike has severed Puma-man's belt)
BD: Now talk! (She points a rather LARGE cannon at the now crying superhero)
P: (trying to control his tears and his bladder) Don't hurt me! I'll tell you anything you want to know!
MN: Who sent you? And how did you get here?
P: It was all that crazy doc's idea. He has something called an "Interociter". That's how I got here. He has others, and we were supposed to bring you, some guy named Joel, and a couple robots to the Gizmonic Institute. That's all I know! I swear!
MN: Dr. F, it has to be. Bri, I want you to call your sisters, tell them to meet me at Robinson's. Here's Tom address, and I'm going to use Gina's teleporter to send me to Crow's flat. Got that?
BD: Yeah. Oh, Mike?
BD: Be careful (they reach out for a tender embrace before Mike leaves)
Chapter 5-You know you want me baby!
We cut to Japan. The apartment of Miko Mido and Crow T. Robot, to be exact.
We see Miss Mido reclining on the couch, wearing a rather skimpy bathrobe. She jumps up in surprise when she hears the door close.
MM: Oh, Crow-sama! How is my happy golden love-toy today?
We see Crow make his way to the living room. He looks run down
C: Beat baby. But all in a days work for (he strikes a dramatic pose) Chesty McBeefstud!
Porn Actor Extraordinare!
MM: (giggles) Well, "Chesty" why don't you come over here and give your number one fan some of that beef, hmm?
C: Honey, I thought you'd never ask!
But before any freaky sex can commence, a rapid knocking is heard at the door.
C: Damn it! Honey, did you invite Fubki over? I don't think I can handle another one of her "tender affections"
MM: No, I don't think so…
Before they can inquire any farther, Timmy (Crow's doppelganger) kicks down the door!
T: Ya know ya want me, baby!
In a blinding burst of speed, Timmy disables Crow, and teleports Miko out of the apt.
C: Miko! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
T: if you want to see this skank alive, be at the Gizmonic Institute by midnight! (he disappears in a flash of light)
Mike appears a few seconds after Timmy leaves
MN: Am I too late?
C: Yeah, flesh bag, I'd say you are! Sorry. But mike, we have to get her back, we just have to!
MN: Don't worry little buddy, I have a cunning plan.
C: You have a plan?
MN: (with a self-assured grin) Yup!
C: Then we're boned!
Chapter 6- Sure they all laughed at me/but least I proved I'm no sissy!
At the detective agency of Tom Servo and Felicia, we see signs of a massive battle taking place. Tom, his dome cracked in several places, slowly rises off of the floor.
T: Hey Felicia, do you think we got it?
F: (also rising slowly) I don't know, but what the heck was that thing? It looked like it was made out of paper-mache.
T: Yeah, it did-Great Googly Moogly! I just remembered! That was Gooseo!
T: A minor god from Malta. Crow and me tore him apart when he visited the SOL.
F: Good grief, why?
T: Well, we were bored. And besides, we thought he was one of Mike's toys, so we thought it would be ok…
F: Well it wasn't!
Mike cautiously enters the office.
M: I see you guys have company. (He unsheathes his broadsword) Need a hand?
T: Mike, ya big palooka, get down, there's two others…
But, alas, Mike dosen't hear the warning. Because Adam Chance and Diabolik both sneak up behind him, and all three of them disappear in a flash of light
T: No! Felicia, I want you to leave town for a few days.
F: Why? You could use my help!
T: Yeah, but there are only two people I know who hate us enough to send Gooseo here.
F: (gasps) You don't mean…
T: Yes, Dr. Clayton Forrester has returned from the grave! I'll try to find Joel; he'll know what to do!
F: Ok, just promise me your head will come back in one piece.
If Tom could manage a wry smile, he would
T: I promise.
Chapter 7- I've been shot down, and I'm feeling mean!
The scene at Robinson's is tense. Crow, Tom, Gypsy, Cambot, and the Digger sisters are there. Brianna is sobbing at a nearby table. Joel walks in the room, a heavy look upon his brow.
JR: Guys? I got some bad news.
BD: What is it? Is Mike ok?
JR: I don't know. And what I do know isn't good. Dr. F has Dr. Thinker, and with out him…
GD: no Dues Ex Machine, no guest stars, great, just great. Do you know how to contact anybody, Mr. Robinson?
JR: Not really. I called in a few favors, but it may be a few hours before any help arrives.
BD: (drying her eyes) So until then, its just us?
JR: I'm afraid so. But at least we know where he is hiding. I've been tracking several large energy fluctuations from where Deep 13 used to be, so odds are that's where he's hiding.
Cheetah stands up.
C: So the choice is oblivious. We're going to go to Deep 13 and get our friends back!
Assorted cheers from the group
Chapter 8- "Keep it up when I get old/will music save your soul?"
We see Mike. He's ok, but he's tied to a wall somewhere in Deep 13. We hear Dr. F's voice over an intercom.
Dr. F: Comfy?
MN: Not really.
Dr. F: Ask me I care Hellson. I decided something. Keeping you in space all those years was rather pointless, wasn't? I mean, I never really came close to driving you insane, and the cost of keeping a satellite, well, don't get started on that. I have, with a heavy heart, decided that I will no longer launch people into space and force them to watch bad movies.
MN: Wow that's rather noble of you Dr. Forrester.
Dr. F: Thanks. And now, your gruesome demise!
Dr. F: Of course. I can't let anyone know about me. But don't worry, your end will be quick.
As he says this, a hooded figure walks into the room.
Dr. F: Well, maybe not as quick as you would like it, but you get the idea.
The hooded figure tosses the hood off to revel none other than Mr. B. Natural, decked in a tight leather outfit! (Think Sophia in Battle Arena Tosihdin)
MBN: Knew your father well I did!
MN: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (begins to struggle against his chains like a wild animal.) Wait, I know! I wish there were no more springs!
We hear an annoying yet creepy laugh, and Mike's chains open
Voice: No More Springs! Ah He-he-he!
It's Coily, the spring sprite! He pops out of the handcuffs and begins to taunt Mike
C: Well, I hope you're happy now!
MN: As a matter of fact, yeah!
Mike slips out of the cuffs, knocks Mr. B. Natural down, and begins to run like mad down the hall.
C: WHAT? You tricked me? Nobody fucks with Coily the Spring Sprite! NOBODY!
The enraged spring and Androgynous Musical Sprite begin to chase Mike down the hallway.
Chapter 9-One light, one mind/flashing in the dark/blinded by the silence of a thousand broken hearts
We see Joel, the bots, and the Digger sisters approaching Gizmonic Valley
JR: My friends should be here any, ah, that's the signal!
A small flash of light is seen. Kiyone steps out from behind a rock.
K: Joel, good to see you again.
JR: Same here, although I wish the circumstances were better. Who did you bring with you?
K: Well that's short of the problem. You see, Dr. Forrester has a plot contrivance field set up around Deep 13. So I landed here, and most of my team is know somewhere inside that madman's complex.
JR: Well, I'm sure they can take care of themselves.
K: Well that's not all. I also noticed several other signals beaming in to Deep 13.
JR: Let me guess, Avatars?
JR: Well, this is new, but I think we should still stick with the plan.
Chapter 10-Do you wanna dance and hold my hand/tell ya baby if you love your man/oh baby/Do you wanna dance?
We see Mike running down a hallway. He slows down as he nears a locked room. He quickly opens the door(no springs, remember) and is shocked to find none other than Dr. Thinker, bound and gagged!
MN: Doc! Boy, am I glad to see you! Come on, let's get you out of those ropes.
Dr. T: (after the rubber ball has been removed) Mister nelson!, how unbeileveably indubious of you to come by here at this exact moment!
MN: (not comprehending what was just said) Umm, ok. It's nice to see you too. Do you know the way out?
DR. T: (smugly) Do I? Follow me!
They run down one of the many identical corridors.
Meanwhile, in another part of Deep 13
We see the newly resurrected Avatars talking to Dr. Forrester.
Superjizz, an unassuming young man, is stalking angrily around the room.
SJ: Damn it! Look you scarecrow wantabe, you can order these losers around if you want, but you're dealing with the man who wrote Gamma Rage! And another thing-
DR. F: Shut up
SJ (incensed by this) What the hell did you just say old man?
DR. F: Look, you want revenge, that's fine. In fact (Dr. F pulls back a curtain to revel Miko, bound and gagged) Why don't you have some fun with this waif, and wait for her friends to show up?
SJ: (the tentacles in his pants beginning to swell) Sure thing doc
Dr. F leads the rest of Avatars toward another room
DR.F: Well, He's a write off. I rather doubt he'll live long enough to really do anything.
Adam Chance speaks up
AC: Then why did you-?
DR.F: Leave him out there? Easy, he's useless as an alley, but priceless as bait. Chance, you , Diaobilk, Ator, and Grignar will wait here, and try to capture any help that makes it's way here. Understand?
He is greeted with a universal "AYE"!
Chapter 11-Welcome to my nightmare/I think your gonna like it
We see Ator and Grignar walking down a hallway. They stop when they hear voices.
A: Zounds! Those are not the voices of our allies!
G: Aye, verily. They must be enemies of the wizard Forrester. Come, my loin-cloth attired comrade, and together we shall split out foes heads apart like so many whores thighs!
Suddenly, the voices cease, and we see who was talking. It's none other than rouge game designers Hsu & Chan!
C&H: Oh, damn.
G: Have at thee! (He rushes at them, his broadsword drawn and a bloodthirsty look on his face)
HS: Brother Chan, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Ch: That if we run like mad we can make it to the car with a minimal loss of blood?
HS: No you fool! We must defeat them using our wits!
CH: Our wits?
HS: Well, that, and our pokemon! Chernobyl! I chose you!
Hsu has wiped out a small canister and tossed it at the barbarian. A glowing woodland creature emerges. It's cute, in a toxic kind of way. Hsu and Chan are busy getting into radiation protection suits.
Grignr just looks at the creature.
G: What devilry be this? Thou send-send-uhhhhhhh.
The barbarian's teeth and hair fall out as his body shuts down due to radiation poisoning.
Ator is still standing, but not for much longer
A: Fowl minions of John Saxon! I'll send thy back to thine master in pieces!
CH: Doorstop! I chose you!
Chan throws a large lump of green something at the Fighting Eagle. It connects with a "whump" and the eagle is silenced.
HSU: Well tossed brother.
Chan: Thanks. Now what?
Hsu: Hmm. I know! Gila Mobster! Break his legs!
A pink lizard emerges from another canister.
GM: Sure thing boss!
We watch in amusement as the cute monster savagely beats the beefy b-movie actor into a bloody pulp.
Down at the other end
We see Superjizz as he starts to wrap his overcompensation devices around Mido's neck! But before anything happen, Fubki enters!
F: Get away from her you bitch!
S: Who you calling a bitch slant? C'mere!
The Avatar lunges at Fubki, and he catches her with his tentacles! His tentacles bind her head to toe, but Fubki just gives a coy smile at this.
S: What are you going to do now? If you beg REAL nice, I may only rape you once!
F: Well, that is rather kind of you, but I have a better idea.
Fubki laughs, and in seconds, the body of a beautiful Japanese schoolgirl is replaced by that of three breasted green demon! With one mighty stretch, Fubki completely shreds Superjizz's tentacles.
The wailing author fails to the ground, desperate to stop his life's blood from slipping away.
S: Y-y-you bitch! You won't get away with this!
Summoning up the last of his strength, Superjizz forms one last tentacle. It snakes it's way towards the prone form of Miko, but Fubki manages an intercept.
F: (sighing) Well, I wish I could say this has been fun, BUT…
Fubki calmly places the tentacle near her womanhood. But before Superjizz can comment on this strange bit of behavior, a rather large set of sharp teeth emerge from her opening and with one quick move, Fubki bits the head off of the tentacle! She then strides over, picks the hysterical Avatar up and tosses him inside a nearby supply closet.
S: Oh God, let me out! Please, I'm losing a lot of blood! (Starts to pound on the door)
F: Really? Why should I? (She gently picks up Miko and begins to leave)
S: PLEASE! You can't leave me here! I need a doctor! (His poundings start to slow down to mere a scratching) Please, I-I don't want to die! (He starts to sob)
Fubki merely shrugs at this, and carries her friend out of the room, leaving Superjizz to die in the closet.
Further down, we see Adam Chance making his smarmy way down another hallway, where he runs into Diabolik.
AC: I say, have you seen any of our other allies?
D: No, I haven't. I don't trust the dear doctor, and I-wait! What's that?
The leather-clad thief is interrupted by the arrival of none other than Shirtless Girl, the Prixen, and Juggs!
AC: Hot damn! I got this one! You get the other two!
(He throws himself at Shirtless Girl's cleavage, leaving Diabolik to deal with two of the strangest women he has ever seen.)
AC: Hey, haven't I seen you on the judo range? (He tries a smug grin)
SG: No, but why don't you get a load of these!
She effortlessly picks the spy up and shoves him between her mountainous breasts.
AC: Can't breathe! I-I-I-I-oh screw it, I had a good run.
And with that, the smarmy secret agent breathes his last.
Diabolik isn't faring very well either. The Prixen (a super strong herm.) and Juggs (a women who can control her breast size) have him backed into a corner
J: Take this!
Her breasts expand so rapidly that they knock Diabolik through the wall. He weakly lifts his head, as the Prixen grabs him by the crouch.
P: Hmm, I COULD use a new playmate.
But before we can witness the Prixen buggering the leather-clad antihero into oblivion, we cut away to Fubiki as she is carrying the semi-conscious body of Miko Mido towards an exit. But before she can leave, Timmy emerges from the shadows!
T: Going somewhere?
F: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
Suddenly, Crow runs into the hallway and leaps onto Timmy's back!
C: NO! He's mine! You just get Miko out of here!
F: well, alright. (They leave)
C: This is between you and me pal.
T: Fine by me.
They run to grapple each other, but Timmy learns a rather nasty surprise. It seems Crow's arms work, while his don't!
T: What? How?
C: Mido. You'd be surprised at what that girl can do with a screwdriver. HIII-KEBAA!
Crow grabs Timmy in a chokehold, and he proceeds to slam Timmy through a nearby table! Timmy's net is knocked off, and one of his arms is bent.
T: you bastard!
Timmy tries to get up, but Crow is on him in a flash. In one quick move, Crow spears Timmy through his black heart. Timmy spasms for a bit, then he lays still. Crow cautiously gets up, inspects the body of his doppelganger, shrugs, and then leaves out of the door that Fubki went through.
Chapter 12- You can look for answers/but that ain't fun/get in the pit and try to love someone
We see Gypsy walking (yes, walking. She had her body upgraded. She looks a lot like Bridget Jones) down a corridor, when a disheveled man dressed in a Hawaiian shirt comes running at her waving a gun!
Washington (the man): Alright bitch, I want you two to fuck! Right now!
G: Who are you talking too? I'm the only one here. I'm also a robot, if the purple skin and one eye didn't tip you off.
W: (grinning) Sorry love, but I want all of my victims to know one orgasm before I kill them.
G: Well, sorry to disappoint you. (A ray of light shoots out of her eye, and Washington reappears in the lab of the greatest scientific genius not only in the universe, but any reality, Washu!)
W: Well, it looks like my flesh-eating spores are going to have a nice fat dinner tonight!
We exit as a tidal wave of red swarms onto his fat body
Next, we see Mike and Dr. Thinker. They've eluded Coily and Mr. B. Natural, but they have run headlong into Gooseo!
G: You hurt Gooseo, Gooseo make you pay!
T: Undoubalably my fine crafted find. Mr nelson, You try to amake it out a nd I will vanquuish this poorly made foe.
MN: Sure thing Doc! (He runs away)
Dr. Thinker and Gooseo stare at each other, then Dr. Thinker whips a hastily made Thinker Delete Key and turns the Malta deity into nothing more than shreds of bright yellow paper. The Doctor merely looks at this unbelievably short fight, shrugs, and heads off.
Chapter 13- Remove your panties Sir. William, I can't wait till lunchtime.
We see mike running down the hall towards freedom, only to run headlong into Bob Gurian!
MN; Not another one!
BG: It's you! You're behind this!
MN: Behind what?
BG: The show! The thing I have dedicated my life to stomping out!
MN: Look, I'm sure your story is fascinating, but I have to go.
With that, Mike slams his knee into Bob's groin, and runs off, leaving the hate filled pissant to moan about his crushed and shriveled manhood to no one in particular.
Down the other end, we see Brianna staring down Mr. B. Natural
BD: Your going down bitch!
MBN: I'll teach you how to enjoy music if it kills you! I-what's that?
Brianna has pulled out a gun. Well, if one could call something that's ten feet long, has twenty fist-sized barrels and is humming loudly a gun.
BD: You teach music? Well, here's my instrument!
With one squeeze of the trigger, Mr. B. Natural (and a better portion of the complex) is dissolved in a blast of pyrotechnics that would John Woo proud.
BD: How does it sound? (She sees Mike) MIKE!
The two lovers run at each other and passionately embrace amid the carnage.
BD: (tears in her eyes) I thought I'd never see you again!
MN: It's ok now. Come on, dry those eyes, and lets go beat the stuffing out of Dr. F!
Bob runs, with vengeance in his eyes. But before he can do anything, Brianna, without looking, drops her gun and it goes off. The blast turns bob into a bloody smear.
Chapter 14-Hony, Honey/ call me on the telephone/way back in New York City/where you do belong/Honey I miss your deep throat kisses/legs wrapped around me tight/If I ever get back to your hotel, honey/ I'm going to make ya scream all night
We see Gina and Brittany staring down Coily!
C: All, nobody tricks a spring sprite and gets away-what the hell are you doing?
Gina and Brittany have each grabbed both ends of Coily, and with one mighty twist, both sisters manage to totally straighten the demented spring out. Coily screams, and a torrent of blood sprays out of his mouth.
GD: Jinkies! Who knew these things could bleed?
Chapters 15-Man on mission/can't say I miss around
We see Kiyone cautiously approaching a door. She kicks it open, and is promptly buried up to her waist in pizza boxes, empty beer bottles, and oddly enough, baby oil.
K: Joe Don Baker! You are under arrest! Under section 14, paragraph 4, subsection 4A of the Galactic Police charter, You have the right to remain-
Joe Don is sitting on a leather recliner, unable to move. He is dressed in a leopard print robe.
JDB: Wait a minute. (He lifts one leg, and proceeds to fart. The force of the blast destroys the recliner and Joe Don stands up.) You can't arrest me! I'm starred in "Mitchell" damn it!
K: All the more reason to have you run in. Now put your hands where I can see them!.
JDB: Well, ok. (he lifts his arms up, and his robe falls to the floor. A tsunami of flesh knocks Kiyone back outside of the room)
K: Shit! I've only got one chance at this. (she points her gun at a nearby barrel of baby oil and fires. The oil soaks Joe Don and he slips and falls. He slides down the hall, all the way to a chair marked 'Ultimate Stress Reliever" He falls on it, and is roasted alive, the oil acting as a broiling agent on his fat, blubbery hide.)
We see Tom Servo and Beeper staring each other down.
TS: Beeper, why?
B: Why? You have the gall to ask me that? You took my life! Joel abandoned me in space because of you!
TS: That's where your wrong. Joel didn't do anything to you. The mads took you away because they were scared that having someone to talk to would make Joel able to resist them. They are the ones you should be angry at, not us!
B: (slowly floating down) I-I just don't know what to do anymore! (begins to make a noise not unlike sobbing) Please, help me.
TS: Don't worry brother, I'll be there for you, I promise.
Chapter 16-I never thought of leading/I've got my own machine/And I've paid my dues all along/All set for breaking/When I missed those other people/'cause I knew I was really alone
We see the assembled closing in on the lair of Dr. Forrester.
Kiyone: Dr. Clayton Forrester, you are under arrest! Come out with your hands up!
We hear Dr. F's voice boom out of a intercom.
DR.F: Sorry detective, but I have other plans.
Suddenly, the walls begin to shake and Deep 13 is ripped apart! A huge tower shoots up out of the ground, with Dr. F perched on top, cackling like a madman!
DR. F: You see Mike, I was wrong about shooting people into space, I just should have blown up this worthless piece of dirt years ago! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, on the ground…
JR: That tower is impregnable! We're going to need a miracle to help us!
But before Joel can say another word, and white light floods the area. A heavenly choir is heard, and TV's Frank steps out of the light.
TVF: Hi Joel. Need a hand?
JR: Frank! Am I glad to see you! Can you get us up to the top?
TVF: Well, I can only get you up there. Kismet thing, you know.
JR: Well, if that's the way it has to be. (Both he and TV's Frank disappear)
Kiyone: (thinking to her self) Joel, please come back…
Chapter 17-Put your head in the microwave and give yourself and tan/You can an overachiever/Or you can sit around and watch "Leave It to Beaver"
We see Joel and TV's Frank walking down a hallway towards a trapdoor in the ceiling.
J: This has been too easy, Frank, watch out!
A huge crab like monster appears out of nowhere and entangles Joel in a net!
TVF: Hang on Joel! (He brandishes a flaming sword and cuts the net open) Here, take my dagger, I'll –urk!(he cries as the monster impales him through the stomach)
J: FRANK! (Joel picks up the dagger and stabs the monster through its eye) Hang on frank, I'll get a doctor!
TVF: (in a weak whisper) Too-too late for that Joel. You're the only one who can stop Dr. Forrester. It's your destiny.
As he says this, Frank closes his eyes and breathes his last.
J: (fighting back tears) You'll pay for this Forrester, You'll pay!
Joel rushes up the trapdoor, but is knocked out by a pipe wielding Dr. F.
DR.F: Welcome to my nightmare booby! (He turns and begins to walk towards a obscenely large canon) I think it fitting to have you up here Joel. After all, was it not I who first introduced you to all of those pathetic peons down there? Joel? (he turns around, but Joel is on his feet, and he greets his former employer with a roundhouse right to the jaw!)
J: It ends now. (Joel draws the dagger, but looks very hesitant to finish it)
DR. F: Damn right it does! (He kicks Joel's legs out from underneath him, and the dagger goes flying. It sails through the air and lands on the cannon control panel. By fate, the dagger strikes the button marked: "self-destruct". The cannon starts to smoke, and the tower starts to sway dangerously. Dr. F gets up, and says only one word as he rushes at Joel) INFIDEL!!!!
He and Joel grapple, and both of them topple off of the tower!
In what seems like slow motion, all of the assembled heroes on the ground stare up in horror as Joel plummets like a stoned seagull. Dr. F has already hit the ground, but nobody cares.
Kiyone: JOEL! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Joel hits the ground with a sickening thud. Kiyone rushes over towards him.
K: Joel! You can't die! Not now, not after all this! (the tears begin to flow down her face, and they slowly drip onto Joel's.)
K: (near hysterics) Please, please don't leave me Joel, please!
J: (in a barely audible whisper)You know, I always wanted to see Montana.
K: (with her head thrown back and the tears streaming down her face) JOEL!
We see a cemetery. A service is being held. Only a handful of people are present.
We see Mike and Brianna walking by.
MN: So, when did they say Joel will be out of the hospital?
BD: A few more days, I think. It was lucky we got him to the hospital when we did.
MN: Yeah, it was. Do you think we should stay for Dr. F's-
BD: Not really, I'm just glad the old bastard is dead. Besides, I want to try something different tonight…
MN: (realization hitting him) Oh my! (they run off towards the sunset)
But wait, there's more! That's right, it's time for
Nice Guy: Electric Boogaloo II: Search for a plot
We see Johnny Gomez and his announcing partner Nick Diamond introducing the next fighter's on tonight's edition of "Celebrity Deathmatch!"
JG: Our first fighter tonight weighs in a 287 lbs., and hails from the Master's bed and breakfast, ladies and gentleman, Torgo!
We hear glass breaking and Torgo makes his way toward the ring. Very, very, very slowly, so slow in fact that he is still on the runway when Nick introduces his opponent.
ND: He'll be facing a relative newcomer tonight. His opponent weighs in about 200 lbs., hails from parts unknown, and is the greasiest man I have ever seen. It's Ortega!
We see Ortega, already in the ring, as Torgo slowly walks over and grabs a microphone.
T: CaN yoU gIvE mE A hElL yEaH?
The audience responds with a HUGE "Hell yeah"
JG: Good Lord! Ortega has ambushed the Man-Goat from behind!
ND: But look out, because Torgo has slipped out of the hold, and ouch! Slammed his knee into Ortega's area! The greasy one is going to feel that in the morning!
JG: Indeed. Now Torgo is picking him up, and My god! He just DDT'd Ortega!
ND: Mills Lane is signaling for the bell, and yep, it looks like another notch in the gun-belt for Torgo.
JD: Wait a minute, Ortega's getting up! Yes folks, he's not out of this yet! But, what is- My god!
ND: Togo has tossed Ortega so hard, that Ortega has actually gone through the ropes! I don't believe it! Ortega was nothing more than a walking pile of grease!
JG: Unbelievable but true Nick. Well, for Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez
ND: And I'm Nick Diamond
JG: Good Fight, Good Night!
Next we see a knight dressed in green armor. It's Jupiter Knight, and he is slowly making his way out of Deep 13. He is almost out when He is confronted by none other the goddess of love, Urd!
U: Going somewhere?
JK: As a matter of fact, yes. You see I have the most brilliant idea for a new lemon series. "The Adventures of Skuld and her mallet." What do you think?
U: Hmm, I think (her voice changes to a deep reverb) YOU SHOULD GET ON YOUR PREVERTED KNEES MORTAL AND BEG MY FORGIVNESS! (Her hands begin to glow, and she releases a huge fireball. The ball misses, but the heat is so searing that the Knight is roasted alive inside his armor. Urd blows some dust off her fingers as she looks at the reader) Well, somebody had to stop him.
Next, we see Sweater Puppy(the world's dumbest werewolf) enter a strange room with two HUGE magnets on either side. She looks around as Metal Sonic enters.
MS: Ahh, a furry. It has been to long since I've had one of your kind. Not since my master Kefka was murdered by that hack, in fact.
Sweater Puppy growls and leaps at the Sega mascot rip-off. She misses and goes through a window. But on her way down, her claws brush against the button marked "on." The magnets come to life with a hum, and Metal Sonic is ripped apart!
As the two bloody pieces of Metal Sonic stick to the magnets, Sweater Puppy starts to chase her own tail.
We see the Great Red Serpent enter a darkened room, his gun drawn. As he turns the corner, he encounters the only heroine whose name I can only say once, the Incredible Cunt! She's big, mean, and strong enough to rip a phone booth apart.
IC: Where do you think your goin' little man?
GRS: Out of here, die bitch! (he fires, but the bullets just bounce off of the IC's thick hide)
IC: Come here! (She leads him to a nearby supply closet, and locks herself in with him. We hear her moans, and his screams, followed by a sickening crunch. She exits, and the Serpents body falls out, his head crush flat.)
Finally, we see a glowing being of energy walking among the rubble of Deep 13. His name is Mix, and he is ranting to the night sky.
M: Those damn women are to blame for this! We give them the tinniest bit of power, and those stupid whores ruin our country!
As he continues, Milkmaid (the only heroine with the ninety inch bust) appears behind him.
MM: Excuse me, but-
M: A woman! You're responsible for this! (He lunches to attack her, but Milkmaid easily sidesteps him. He crashes to the ground and she slams her foot into his lower back) Arragh!
MM: Look buddy, I am getting pretty pissed off right now, so just stay down and I'll find my own way home.
M: No woman is going to raise her fist to me and get away with it! (He fires an energy blast at the retreating form of Milkmaid. She beds over to re-lace her boot, and the blast passes over her. But it does manage to incinerate the back part of her costume, giving the audience a rather nice view of her backside)
MM: That does it! (She whips out the magic dildo "Equalizer" and proceeds to beat the poster to a bloody pulp)
Hey, they were asking for it.
Either your in it, or your out of it-Joey Ramone
What a ride! I had no plans on doing a third one, but then I heard "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (sung by one of the greatest rock-and-rollers of all time, Mr. Alice Cooper) I heard Mr. Cooper's voice speak to me and he said: "D, you must write another nice Guy." So am I to argue with Mr. Cooper? That, and all the kind words from the two ladies (see below) Anyway, This story is dedicated to the following:
Thanks for the kind words, I couldn't do it with you two.
Fred Perry, Ben Dunn, and Kris Overstreet
Gold Digger is owned by Fred Perry
MST3K is (was) owned by Best Brains
Tenchi Muyo is owned by somebody (not me)
Milkmaid and all other related characters owned by WLP
Shirtless Girl owned by Frigemall Records
Urd is owned by whoever created Ah! My Goddess!
Celebrity Deathmatch owned by MTV
All the Avatars are owned by themselves
And all the other characters are owned by their respective owners. All celebrities are impersonated, poorly.
To Nightbreak, Alica Ashby, and Jolt, I am very sorry if my works have offended you. I tried to be a good writer, but I'm not. I'm just a weak, bitter old lunatic. Sorry
You three have inspired me more than any other writers out there, and I am sorry that I not able to create works of beauty equal to any of your creations.
Dr. Thinker. I actually like some of your stuff, and for a while considered "re-doing" some of your earlier works. But I don't think that would be very nice, so I won't. I'd probably just fill them all with sex and violence anyway.
To all the other writers whom I have mentioned in the Nice guy series, well, not to sound nasty about it, but frig off!
Don't worry, Oscar and Ratliff have seen the last of me, and as for Gonterman, well, Jolt did a number on him, so why mess with the dead?
Do you want to see a Nice Guy 4?
If you do, e-mail me at otaku24 @hotmail.com
I will respond to all mail, so get to writing!