Well, I'm back and rested, so without further ado, here's

Nice Guy 4

We see Dan Gannon, history revisionist, making his way up a step mountain. When he reaches the top, he sees a crumbling castle before him. He shrugs off his backpack and makes his way inside. A woman in a wheelchair rolls out of the shadows and greets him by pointing a gun at him.

Woman: Who the hell are you?

DG: Dan Gannon. Are you Pearl Forrester?

PF: (gun still drawn) yeah, now what do you want?

DG: I have a proposal that could help both of us. Interested?

PF: Maybe (lowers gun) Tell me.

Dan leans in and whispers. Both of them start to laugh madly when he finishes.

Chapter 1: He'll try to survive the wraith of Pearl

We cut to a field where two Packers fans are standing.

Fan1: Packers! Whooo!

Fan2: Got any smokes?

Dan appears to be fiddling with a large ray gun when it goes off and strikes the two fans. After the dust settles, in their place now stand two Observers!

O1: I say Observer, we have just been granted our powers back!

O2: Indeed. Let us now destroy that traitor Observer and- (he is interrupted when Dan clears his throat)

DG: Excuse me, but I have an idea

Back at the castle

We see Pearl, Dan, and the two Observers standing near a machine that looks as if Escher and Kirby had designed it while both of them were drunk.

PF: So, it's settled then.

DG: Using your brains (he points to the Observers) and the Deus Ex Machine, we'll merge the multiverse into one core reality, one

O1: With us as absolute rulers? Sorry, but any long-term alliance between the four of us would only end in disaster.

O2: Short-term, on the other hand, it would be most profitable.

PF: Alright, let's get this show on the road!

With a mad cackle, she throws the lever. A wave of energy consumes the quartet, and them streaks out. Pearl is now standing, Dan is dressed in an SS uniform, and the two Observers are unchanged.

DG: What happened?

O1: It seems that while you mortals are changed physically,

O2: your minds are not. We suspect that

O1: the wave, once it hits a world,

O2: Will slowly bend the reality to our will. Causing

O1: Chaos, and of course,

O2: Slaves for each of us. But the wave will take time to go across the whole multiverse

O1: So there could be people left unaffected, and who could, in turn

O2: Be a menace to our plans.

PF: Nice speech. I-

She is interrupted when Mike Nelson enters! But he's… different. He is dressed in a sleeveless tunic, and is sporting a goatee. It's Evil Mike Nelson!

EMN: Pearl Forrester? I thought Joel fed you to the Overfiend. What are you doing in my castle?

PF: Your castle? That does it, Kill him!

O1: Wait Pearl!

O2: When we released the wave, similar realities must have been consumed by our power, leaving

O1: Their worlds gone, but they alone have survived.

EMN: Yeah, whatever. Just don't interrupt my experiment, ok?

PF: "experiment"? Would this involve trapping a man on a satellite and forcing him to watch bad movies?

EMN: What? Did those damned drones tell you?

PF: Mikey, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship…

Chapter 2: Guess I got other worries

We see Robinson's (think the Peace-Million from Gundam Wing) floating through space. We see Joel and Kiyone monitoring some equipment, with a worried expression on both their faces.

K: Joel, what do these readings mean?

JR: Well, according to the Thinker Device, somebody is attempting to merge the multiverse.

K: Good Lord, you mean-

JR: That's right, the Bryne effect.

K: Well, this is definitely a job for the Galaxy Police!

She grabs her wrist communicator and calls HQ. She is greeted by none other than Mishosi, dressed in a black uniform.

M: Kiyone, how good to see you. It's been, what fifteen years?

K: (unnerved) M-mishoi! What are you doing there?

M: Well, I AM the Chief Field Marshal for the GP, so what do you think?

K: Field marshal? How? (Looking very confused)

M: Look, I don't have time to tell you my life story, so if you don't mind Ms. McGregor…(She kills the transmission)

K: (falls down) HOW? WHY?

JR: I'm afraid that's the effect of warping reality.

K: how do we reverse this?!

We hear Magic Voice speak

MV: Well, you could just do what you always do in case like this. Just call some hero's from another dimension and let them take on the bad guys.

JR: Good plan Magic Voice.

MV: (blushing, well, if she could) Thank you Joel, I do try.

JR: But we'll have to hurry. According to my readings, we have less than a day to fix it, or else-

K: Or else what?

JR: Or else it becomes permanent

Chapter 3: Now I don't care about history/cuz that's not where I wanna be

Meanwhile, over in the Marvel universe.

Peace is now settling. Earth's Mightiest Hero's have won the Diablo War, and now life is returning to normal*

*Confused? Well, ye ol writer may or may not tell you readers at home about that particular tale-Diabolical D*

But the much fought for peace has not made its way towards Bleecker St., home to the Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange. The Master of the Mystic Arts lay in a deep coma, brought on by his battle with the mad alchemist. His manservant Wong and his disciple/lover Clea are by his bedside as his Orb of Oshtur begins to glow.

C: Wong, what could it be?

W: I know not Mistress.

Joel's face fills the orb.

JR: hello? Look, I need to talk to Doctor Strange. It's a matter of life or death!

Clea approaches the orb, a worried look on her face.

C: I'm afraid that Stephan has…taken ill. But I am his disciple and his equal when magic is concerned.

JR: Oh. Well, look, I need the Defenders, and I need them now! Tell them to meet me at "Robinson's" and to hurry. Life as we know it is in jeopardy.(Joel's face disappears from the orb)

C: (turning towards Wong) "Robinson's"? I don't recall Stephan ever mentioning such a place.

W: (deep in thought) I only remember the Master making a mention of it once. He and his friends fought a great evil there. As I recall, "Robinson's" is a space ship in another reality.

C: Stephan is still too weak to travel. I must be the one to go.(turning towards Wong) Wong, take care of Stephan in my absence. (reaching for Stephen's Cloak of Levitation and the Eye of Argemotto, Clea speaks a few incantations a disappears in an wisp of fog)


We see Clea and the Defenders (Their line-up this time consists of Nighthawk, the Valkyrie, Luke Cage, Moon Knight, Kitty Pryde, Pete Wisdom, Gambit, and Shang-Chi) Judging from the expressions on some of their faces, not all of the members came here willingly.

C: Mr. Robinson, we came as soon as we could. What is the problem?

JR: Well Clea, it seems that an old enemy of mine is attempting to merge the multiverse.

C: I see. This is indeed grave.

PW: So what are we doing here? Shouldn't we be out stomping the bastards?

JR: Well, it's just not that simple. Forrester has undoubtedly surrounded herself with some of the most powerful beings in creation. But Magic Voice has already sent some people in to deal with some of the weaker ones. I'll be going in with you.

C: Mr. Robinson that could be dangerous.

JR: Well, nobody knows that castle better than I do. Can you transport us down there?

C: Very well. Gambit (the trench coat wearing mutant steps forward) Would you mind staying to monitor our progress?

G: No problem char [hey, you try doing Cajun accent!-Really tried D]

The rest of the hero's disappear in a swirling mist, leaving Gambit and Kiyone on the ship

Chapter 4-I like punk/I like soul/I like rock/but I never liked disco

Early morning on the Satellite of 'Dite

We see Captain Jessica walking around the deck. The quiet surrounds her like a tomb. The entire ship is deserted except for her.

CJ: hello?(she is greeted with an echo) Kasey? Angie? Anybody? What? (A swirling vortex opens up underneath her feet, and she is sucked in to the void.

Above Castle Forrester, connected by the Umbilicus, is the SOL! It seems that when Evil Mike was brought over here, his version of the SOL was brought along also. On the bridge are the only occupants, Clay Forrester and Frank. Clay paces nervously around, not sure what's happing down on the Earth when a portal opens up above him and Jessica is dropped rather undignified onto his head.

CF: What the-? Who are you?

CJ: (a crimson blush seeping onto her face) J-Jessica, captain of the SOD. Where am I?

CF: (putting his green plastic glasses back on) Well Captain, you're on the Satellite of Love. I'm Clay Forrester, and the guy in the back is Frank

F: Hello.

But before any introductions get any further, all three of them disappear!

Chapter 5-Cover up the scars/put on your game face

Inside the castle, Clayton Jessica, and Frank appear. Standing in front of the trio are the Observers, Pearl & Dan.

PF: Clay! How nice to see you're not dead. Who's the woman?

O1: Well Pearl, has stated before, this is just a parallel version of your deceased son. Also, the young woman is an Avatar. From the

O2: Tapert world. As I recall, wasn't that the first world hit by our wave? She's a SI, I believe

PF: Excellent! She can help defend the castle.

CJ: Now wait just a minute here, there is no way in Hell that I'm helping you! Where's Angie? Where's my crew?!

O1: Oh, well, they are either dead or wipe out of existence.

CJ: (her face a mask of sorrow and rage) Cleo! NO! (She launches herself at Pearl, and manages to knock the older woman down before Dan knocks her out with a well-placed jackboot to the head)

PF: (her face darkens) Observers…

O 1&2: (they do their brain thing and Jessica, Clay and Frank reappear in the dungeon)

CF: Oh, poopie.

Chapter 6: Before I smack my little tush/I dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush

We see the Defenders and Joel appear in front of the castle. They are met by Mike Nelson, Gina Diggers and her two sisters, the bots and a few other people yet to be named.

JR: Good to see you again Mike.

MN: Same here Joel. Ready to storm the castle?

JR: I suppose. Clea, are you ready?

C: Yes. My spell will teleport all of us inside the castle walls, but since I'm detecting so much chaos magic, I can't guarantee that we will all end up in the same place.

MN: Don't worry, we're use to it.

C: Very well. By the Winds of the Omnipotent Oshtur, carry us all forward past these walls!

With a swirling of mists, the assembled hero's disappear

Chapter 7: Lock up your daughter/lock up your wife/lock up your back door and run for your life

We see a young blond woman wearing tight shorts and a T-shirt, and a beat up fedora. It's Gina Diggers, the Gold Digger! A huge spider with a young man (TDM) riding on top of it comes bearing down on her! Gina pushes a button on her belt, and suddenly she is engulfed in a yellow light.

GD: Hah! Bet you didn't count on my force field, did you?

TDM: (in a grating voice) Shut up! I'll feel you from the inside yet, you blonde whore!

GD: Jinkies, you are one pathetic kid. (She whips out her plunger gun and shoots a wire at the ceiling. She races up the line as TDM crashes into the wall, bringing down a better portion of the castle foundation down upon his head) Well, now that's taken care of…

Gina rushes up a nearby flight of stairs.

In another part of the castle, we see the newly resurrected Mr. B. Natural gadding about as Penny Pincher and her harpy bodyguard Charlotte enter the chamber.

B: Oh, goodie! More children I can teach music to! (sultry walking over to Charlotte, and ignoring Penny) I can teach you how to use ALL the instruments, my dear

PP: Get away from her you bitch! (She whips out the Penny-blaster 6000[a slight modifying of the Gina Blaster] and blasts the music sprite square in the head. To her horror, the wound closes up, and Mr. B. natural leans in and whispers in Charlotte's ear)

B: She is a bother, isn't she? But we don't need her. (she grabs a nearby flute) Have you had this inside your ****? Or how about a good ***-***?

C: (her face turning beet red) Your not a very nice person! (she backs up)

B: Oh, I can be VERY nice. Come on, it won't hurt.

C: get away! (With a swipe of her claws, she both decapitates and dismembers the music sprite) Penny, can we leave now?

PP: Sure, honey, sure. (they exit)

Next up, we see Gypsy walking (yes, walking. Read Nice Guy 1-3 for the whole story) along a parapet. Greeting her at the other end is a being of composed of red energy. It's Mix!

M: So woman, are you trying to kill me with your weakness? Hah! I laugh at your weak gender!

G: I don't have time to waste on you, you pathetic waste of amino acids. (a beam shoots out of her eye and Mix is teleported to a green meadow.)

M: what? (suddenly, a bear on a hang-glider swoops down, bearing down directly onto Mix's spot)

Bear: GET OUT OF MY WAY! (he lands right on Mix, and the glider point impales the poster)

Suddenly, a cigarette smoking pig and a frog wearing a straw hat come on the scene.

Pig: Damn Leslie, that's what, the third glider this week?

L: Yeah Dean. That's also the thirtieth poster too.

D: Ah well. Hey, lets load the glider up for another run!

The bear looks up, a dazed look on his face

Bear: 0~I'd like some French toast please. (he passes out as Dean and Leslie load him back into the glider)

A duck carrying a shovel walks out (His name is Truman)

T: Should we tell Miss Brandy, or just bury him with the others?

D: Hmm, naw, just toss him.

T: Will do sir!

Chapter 5 What they want, I don't know/their all revved up and ready to go

We see Captain Jessica and Clay sharing a cell in the dungeon.

CJ: (coming too) Ohh, what happened?

CF: Well, that brown shirted thug beat you up, and that doppelganger of my dead mother tossed us in here.

CJ (Her eyes watering up) My crew! They're all dead, aren't they?

CF: Well, I don't know. If we can somehow fix all of those rifts, we may be able to get your crew back.

CJ: Really? (In a move that surprises Clay, Jessica smothers him in a bearhug) Thank you! (she starts to cry on his shoulder)

CF: hey, don't cry. (he tenderly wraps his arms around her lithe frame) Everything will work out, you'll see.

They stay locked in the embrace as we close in on another fight taking place

We see Clea and Val surrounding a odd looking rabbit (it's Pipkin)

P: Oh my, such lovely ladies. (He whips out his boxing-glove gun) I hate lovely ladies! (he fires the gun and knocks Val through the wall!)

C: Val! Pipkin, your evil deeds shall end now! By the power of the dread Dormanuu, and by the will of the vigilant Vishanti, come forth Mindless Ones! Come forth and destroy the object of thy mistress bane!

(a portal opens up, and several hulking gray lumps of…something come out. They are the Mindless ones! They surround Pipkin and they proceed to pound the hell out of the Zoot. Pipkin's gun is ripped into pieces, and one of the creatures proceeds to slam to useless weapon into Pipkin's head. Pipkin is slowly driven to his knees as the monsters overwhelm him. Just then, Val bursts forth out of the rubble, murder in her eyes)

V: PIPKIN! Thou shall not escape the wraith of a warrior born! (She cuts her way through the Mindless ones, and with one swipe of her enchanted sword, spills the rabbits entrails all over the castle floor. The Mindless ones, their intended victim now laying a bloody pile, dissolve into the nothingness they were born of.)

Next, we see Luke Cage (the Power Man) standing in front of the castle. A greasy man dressed in leather comes up behind him and tries to do a sneak attack. But Cage is ready for him. With skills honed during a lifetime of living in some of the roughest parts of New York, Cage turns and slams his attacker headfirst in to the castle drawbridge. With a few spasms, his opponent lays still. (the guy attacking him was Trash, from Escape 2000, in case any of you were wondering)

Next, we see Marvel's homage/rip-off of the Dark Knight, Nighthawk! He is gliding stealthily down to one of the parapets when a young man dressed in a EVA plugsuit. It's Issei!

IM: Well, another play-toy! I think Shinji and you would look darling together in one of my old thongs.

NH: (his second sight kicking in, Nighthawk sees just what it is Issei has planned for him. He cringes) My God! (landing, the playboy turned vigilante performs a somersault that slams his feet squarely on Issei's jaw. We hear a loud CRACK and the pervert goes flaying off the castle) Jeeze, I wonder if anyone else is having as much fun as I am? (He runs down into the castle)

Next, we see Captain Jessica and Clay pondering their fate in their cell.

CF: Jessica, I was wondering, aren't you an Avatar?

CJ: Well, I'm really an SI, but yeah.

CF: than you should have no probably have no problem getting us out of here! Just use your SI powers just blast us out!

CJ: well, I don't know if I could…

CF: Honey, I believe in you, I KNOW you can do this (we hear Frank say "You can do it!") please, do it for me…(he slowly grips her hand and a slight blush creeps onto Jessica's face as she stares back into his green plastic frames)

CJ: well, if you put it that way (she walks over, and a quick henshin transformation sequence[tasteful done nude outline, of course] she is transform into No-Life Sailor Jessica! With a Herculean burst of strength, she rips the door out of the wall. But she quickly de-transforms but into Captain Jessica and is caught by Clay)

CJ: (in a weak voice) Did I do it?

CF: (Tears brimming over in his eyes, he takes off his glasses and slowly kisses her on her forehead) Yes, yes you did. Rest now (he carries her out of the cell and meets Frank in the corridor) Frank, take care of her. She needs her rest. Let her gather her strength, and I'll try to stall that madwoman's plans.

F: Sure thing Steve.

Next we see someone who rarely gets enough credit. It's Cambot! We see him swooping down on a desert plain when he zooms up close on a hulking figure dressed in skins. It's Eegrah! The caveman is slowly walking towards 2 teenagers.

Girl: (a look of udder indifference on her face) Ok Tom, what are we doing tonight?

Tom: Wow zee wow wow Roxy! Hears my latest song, I call it "Oh Debbie" ~ Oh Debbie, oh Debbie, How I love you. The way you run away from me just makes me blue. I know in my heart that you'll always be true, but I'll have to keep watching you ~ (before he can sing another word, Eegrah walks over crushes the head of the cabbage patch Elvis)

Roxy: Oh, my hero! (She and the caveman run off towards the sunset. Cambot just sweatdrops and flies out of there)

Chapter 6: I kicked the teeth of the principal/don't wanna conform/don't wanna be no fool

We see DJ Croft, in all of his arrogant splendor, standing on top of his EVA. He coolly stares down at the Earth below, when a young woman with purple hair dressed in a odd costume (if one could call wearing a skin-tight leotard that has a slit from her chest down to her groin and 8-inch heels a costume. It's Lilith, in case the description was sub-par)

DJ: Well, look at you. Are you supposed to the fool who here's to challenge me?

L: Maybe (A sly grin spreads across her features) But I thought we could do something else instead…(in the blink of an eye, her outfit disappears! DJ stands in dull shock as Lilith, who is off camera, starts to do something. DJ's eyes grown wide, and sweat begins to pour down his face. Suddenly, DJ's groin erupts in a geyser of blood!)

DJ: (in a high pitched scream as he topples off the top of his EVA) AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

L: (slowly putting her costume back on) I must remember to thank that lovely Sukuza woman for teaching me that move. (with a "come hither" look to the audience, Lilith flies away)

Next, we see Aerith Gainsbough standing in a dark forest. A child with flaming red hair steps out of the fog. He's wearing a shirt that proclaims "I'm a Virgin"

Child: Trumpy! Fetch me the woman, I desire to be read to! (a alien, well, a midget in a cheap costume, walks out beside him) Do your magic things Trumpy!

But before any cheap special effects can commence, Aerith slams her staff into Trumpy's windpipe. The alien totter for a bit then falls over onto the boy.

AG: Gee Trumpy, you can do stupid thing! She walks off, leaving the freakish man-child buried under the body of a cheap Spanish "E.T." knockoff.

Meanwhile, in space

We see Gambit walking down a poorly lit hallway, when something comes up behind him and knocks him out! We hear a familiar chuckle as the figure disappears back into the shadows.

Back on Earth

We see Clay Forrester and Frank (don't worry, Captain Jessica is safe and sound) planing their next course of action when Crow and Tom Servo jump them. (it's the evil Crow and Tom, in case you were wondering)

EC: Well, if it isn't fleshbag Frank! Come on, it's time we ended this game! (the drones dive them, but Clay, grabbing a broadsword from a nearby suit of armor, neatly bisects Crow! Frank is having a few problems with Tom, but a quick boot to the head, or dome this case, ends the life of the gumball machine that walked)

CF: Nice job Frank.

F: thanks. Changing the topic, don't you think your going awfully fast with that captain? I mean, you just met…

CF: Frank, I'll explain later. Now, let's go and find a way to stop those lunatics! (they run off)

Next, we see Kitty Pryde staring down Dan Gannon.

DG: So, are you ready to learn the truth?

KP: Gannon, you are just a sad and pathetic man. (she phases her hand through Gannon's chest, and Gannon screams!)

DG: Gah! What the-(he stops short as she slightly solidifies her hand, and Gannon drops, his body in shock)

KP: You're not worth the effort to kill. (as she says this, Evil mike appears behind her)

EMN: I don't know, it's usually worth the effort.

KP: (she spins around and gets into a defensive position) want to join him?

EMN: Not really. But if you're interested in stopping this madness, here (he gives her a small key) It's the only thing that can shut the Deus Ex Machine off and make everything the way it was.

KP: (keeping her distance) thanks. But why are you-

EMN: helping the good guys? Maybe I'd like to be cheered at for once. Go, before I change my mind.

Kitty nods, then phases through the floor

Dan gets up and staggers towards EMN.

DG: That little bitch! I know the Canadian/Zion movement sent her here to discredit me! I have to-urrk!

Evil Mike Nelson slowly removes his saber from Dan's heart.

EMN: Shut up please. Well, two good deeds in one day. I think that's enough for a while. (he cleans his blade on a nearby tapestry, then he wanders out through a secret passage way)

Chapter 7-I don't wanna be a pinhead no more/I just met a nurse that I do drug for

We see Pete Wisdom smoking s cigarette and staring a man dressed in army fatigues (the Great red Serpent)

PW: Look squire, you-

GRS: Stuff it limey! (reaches into his pants a pulls a cucumber) Do you know what I could do to you with this?

PW: (facial expression doesn't change. He closes his fist and one of his "hot daggers" appears on his knuckle) Know what I'm going to do with this? (with a slight twitch of his hand, the "hot dagger" flies through the air and imbeds itself in the GRS's throat. The GRS stumbles back, blood flowing down his chest. The Avatar gasps for breath as he slowly sinks to the ground. Wisdom calmly walks over, and puts his cig out on the Serpents head)

Next, we see Evil Mike Nelson. He is carrying a large bag, and cautiously making his way outside the castle. Suddenly, he is jumped by none other Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo!(the good ones of course)

C: Hold it right there pal!

T: Yeah, no way you're getting out of here man!

EMN: Cool it gumball. Look, do you want to save the multiverse?

C&T keep their distance, but they hear him out.

C: What do you mean?

EMN: Look, I know when I'm beat. Pearl and her goon-squad ain't goin win, and I don't plan on being around when she loses. Don't worry, I'm finished with experiment. Clay and Frank are both free to go. Just let me pass, and I promise, you won't here from me again.

T: I don't know, what do you think Crow?

C: I say…we treat him just like Mike!

T: You mean take his credit card and charge junk to him?

EMN: Hell, just take this! (he tosses a large bag and both of the bots. The bag pins of them to the ground)

There's enough cash in there to make it worth your while. Now, if you'll excuse me…(he runs off)

T: Cash! Crow, we're rich!

C: yeah, now how do get up?

Chapter 8- It's the end/the end of the '70's/it's the end/the end of the century

We see Kiyone walking down a corridor of "Robinson's" when she sees a familiar outline

K: Joel? What are you doing back up here?

Joel steps out of the shadows. He has a mustache, and a sleeves-less tunic. It's Evil Joel!

EJ: Oh, just putting a virus into the ship. (he whips out a small device, but Kiyone draws her pistol and shoots the double through the shoulder) Arragh! You damn whore! (he drops a smoke grenade and disappears)

K: Magic Voice, can you tell me where that imposter went?

MV: Sure. He's in the engine-Ahhhhhh! (her screams turn into binary code and Kiyone is forced to cover her ears)

K: Bastard! (she hops into a nearby elevator and goes down to the engine room)

Meanwhile, back on Earth

We see Captain Jessica waking up

CJ: Clay? Where did everyone go? (Clay comes rushing into the cell, a look of pure horror on his features)

CF: They got Frank! Come on we have to-(before he continue, he is suddenly picked off of his feet and hurled into the wall)

CJ: Clay! (she stands up and readies herself for whoever is out there. The wall suddenly disappears and the two Observers calmly walk in)

O1: Oh, look Observer

O2: the amoebae's want to fight us (they both laugh snidely at this)

CJ: I won't let you hurt Clay!

O2: really? And how does one plan on stopping us?

CJ: Like this! (She turns her back to the audience, and we hear a zipper begin undone. The two Observers stand in mute shock at what they see, and their brains begin to sizzle. They drop their brain-pans, and their physical forms dissolve, leaving only their robes)

CF: (looking on in rapt admiration) Incredible! How did you-

CJ: (zipping her jumpsuit back up) Easy. I did it using this. (she reaches down into her suit and pulls out a strange looking disk) Dr. Oak rigged this up for me. One look and your brain is fried. And since those pasty jokers were nothing but brain…

CF: Amazing! Absolutely amazing! (they embrace amid the rubble)

We see Frank slowly peeling himself off the wall and joining the two in their celebration

Back in space

We see Kiyone walking down a darkened corridor.

K: Gambit should be ok in that hospital I teleported him to. If Joel and the others have stopped Pearl, then we should all be fine. Magic Voice? Still with us?

MV: (in a weak voice) Barely. The virus is eating me away. Joel, I'm so sorry. I can't control anything anymore (the ship lists sharply, and Kiyone is thrown against the wall)

K: Don't talk like that! You'll make it! We all are.

Evil Joel appears behind her

EJ: Touching. No wonder my double loves you so. (in almost slow motion, he fires his energy pistol. Kiyone moves, but not quick enough. The blast tears through her side, and Kiyone slowly slides down the wall, leaving a bright red smear behind her) Well, that was fun, Now to blow up this scrap heap. (he gets into a elevator, but the doors suddenly slam shut) what the hell?(the elevator begins to accelerate rapidly, and Joel falls to the floor) What's going on?

MV: (in a barely audible whisper) Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

EJ: No! (is the last thing he can say before the car plows into the ceiling and erupts into flames)

K: (coughing up blood) You know, it's funny. I'm actually missing Mishosi. I never thought I'd go out like this (she smiles, then coughs up more blood, and her head slowly drops down)

MV: No, I can't let it end like this. I won't.

A panel falls off the wall, and several wires snake their way out towards Kiyones's body. The wires encase Kiyone like a cocoon.

Chapter 9- I just wanna have something to do

We see Joel(the good one) and Mike Nelson cautiously entering the main lab of Pearl.

PF: Well, Joelekins and Mike-o-roone how are the two of you?

MN: This ends now Pearl. (He unsheathes his broadsword and Joel pulls out his custom LeMat)

PF: I wouldn't do anything rash boys. Evil Joel is on "Robinson's" right now, and he can become so anxious when I don't call him.

JR: She's bluffing.

PF: You wish mop-boy. Hmm, I suppose this is where I tell you my diabolical plan for world domination, right?

MN: That is the general idea, yeah.

PF: Well, T.S. Hellson! Since we're not in some Cormen film, I think I'll just skip the exposition, and cut to the finale! (she hits a button, and we see a bright spark in the sky) You gentlemen see that light? That was "Robinson's". (she grins and starts to do the trademarked evil bitch laugh)

JR: (his face paling) No, it's a trick!

PF: (a look of mock sympathy on her face) oh, I'm sorry, was one of your little friends onboard? The bots perhaps? Or maybe that female dick?

JR: (a look of pure rage fills Joel's face) You heartless bitch! (he draws a bead on Pearl on fires . Pearl is hit in the leg and she falls against the Deus Ex Machine)

PF: Stop! Come any closer, and I'll make it so that none of you ever existed!

Just then, the assembled hero's come rushing in. Kitty rushes over to Mike and gives him the key Evil Mike gave her

MN: Sorry Mrs. Forrester, but it looks like your out of time. (with a speed rivaling that of most professional ballplayers, Mike tosses the key at it's proper slot. It misses, bounces off of Pearl's head and then neatly lands back in the slot with a click. The machine powers down.)

PF: Damn you! (she hobbles out, but Joel shoots her in her other leg. She teeters close to a nearby window, and she falls out. She grabs on to the window's ledge and looks up. Joel is standing over her, his gun pointed right at her head.) Joel, wait-

JR: I won't kill you Forrester. Kiyone wouldn't have done that. Instead I'll see to it that you serve life in the most fetid hellhole in the universe!

PF: I don't know what to say(with one hand she pulls out a butterfly knife. Mike sees this before Joel and points his sword at her)

MN: Joel, look out! (with one squeeze of the handle, the blade shoots out and takes off Pearl's hand!)

PF: ARRAAAAGGGHHHH!(she lets go of the ledge, and the last shoot we see of the woman is her falling towards the jagged rocks that scatter the landscape below)


We see everyone gathering around in the main hall. Everyone is there, but Joel is standing near the fireplace, staring at the large painting of Pearl. Mike enters)

MN: Look Joel, I'm sorry about what happened. If you need anything…

JR: yeah. Thanks man. I think I need some time alone.

MN: Sure.(he leaves)

JR: (sized by a rage, Joel rips the painting off the wall starts to smash it against the floor. He stops his destruction after a little bit. He then slumps on the ground as tears begin to well up in his eyes) Kiyone…

We hear a strangely familiar voice come up behind him

Voice: penny for you thoughts Joel.

JR: Who? (he turns around, It's Kiyone! She looks a little bit tired. Her hair is now shorter, and her clothes are somewhat grimy, but it really is Kiyone) Kiyone! (he gets up and embraces the detective in a hug as tears now flow from both their eyes.) I thought I lost you!

K: well, Joel it's a long story.

JR: I have time.

A short time later.

JR: …So You and Magic Voice are now one and the same?

K: Something like that. Don't worry Joel, I'm still the same woman. (she puts her arm around him) The same woman who has been in love with you since I first met you.

JR: (slowly leaning in for a kiss, but Captain Jessica rushes in!)

CJ: hey guys-oops! Sorry! (she blushes)

JR: It's alright. What is it?

CJ: Clea's sending us home!

We see a huge portal, with Captain Jessica, Clay, and Frank standing near it.

CJ: So my crew should be ok?

CF: Well, seeing that the Deus Ex Machine is gone, all the worlds should be back together..

F: Only one way to find out! (the trio leap into the portal, and exit out on the SOD.)

They are greeted by the crew, all whom have no idea as to what's transpired.

CJ: Clay, I think you're going to like it here. (we leave as Captain Jessica and Clay stand on the bridge, admiring the stars)

The End!

But wait, there's more! As a special bonus, here is


There is no plot here, just stuff I couldn't fit into the main story.

We see Brittany Diggers(Cheetah) and her sister(and Mike Nelson's love interest) Brianna. They stand back to back as we get a good look at their opponents. A dark snake like robot slithers it's way into the room, followed by a spherical drone.{Evil Gypsy and Evil Cambot}

Bri: The buzz boy's mine! POWER EXTREME! (suddenly, several large guns appear out of pocket space and attach themselves to Brianna's body. She laughs and starts firing. EC is blown to plastic bits)

Brit: (thinking to herself) She must get that from Gina. (EG tries to sneak up on her, but Cheetah turns around and with out missing a beat, severs Evil Gypsy's head. Her tube twitches a bit, then lies still)

Next up, we see a man dressed in a white costume making his way across a rooftop. He lowers a rope and slowly climbs down into a studio apt. (It's the Moon Knight) Suddenly, he's jumped by a man dressed in blue jeans and a shirt with the Awesome Studios logo on it(it's Rob Liefield)

RL: Gonna die now man! When I beat Marvel, everybody gonna know that I'm the best damn artist in the industry!

MK: (easily blocking the punch) Really? Like the time you said your relaunch of Captain America was going to be better than Kirby's?

RL: shut man, just shut up! (he goes for a chokehold, but Moon Knight whips out a picture of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby and holds it in front of him. Rob recoils in horror, then pain as Moon Knight press the picture to his body. Rob's body starts to melt and he runs into a plate glass window, breaking it, and plunging to his death on the street below)

MK: Just doesn't pay to dis the King.

{special thanks to the Spin Doctor for the inspiration for that scene}

Next, we see Shang-Chi{Master of Kung-Fu) standing atop of huge skyscraper. He is poised in a meditative stance as his opponent enters. The man swaggers towards the son of Fu-Manchu, a cocky grin on his pale face. (It's Tom "Da Dragon" Dryon)

SC: Is this the path you wish to seek?

TD: Damn straight! Let's get it on! (he rushes Shang-Chi, but if one's father had one trained in the most lethal of all martial arts, then you had better have a damn good plan of attack. Unfortunately for "Da Dragon", that is his plan. He stops short, and attempts to do a spinning side kick. Shang-Chi sees the move, and with one foot sweep, knocks "Da Dragon" right on his arse)

TD: I wuz just warming up! Now you're goin get it! (He flips himself up, but Shang-Chi knocks him down again with a simple kick to the solar plexus)

SC: There is no dishonor in surrender. Come; let us cease this pointless exercise.

TD: No f'ing way man! It ain't over till I say it is! (He gets up and tries once more to bum rush the master of Kung-Fu. Shang-Chi just steps aside, grabs the shirt of the loudmouthed buffoon and, using a simple applying of his opponents momentum, tosses the irritating and obnoxious git over the side of the building.

Next, we see a young woman standing amid the ruins of once was once New York. She has purple skin, and some markings on her forehead. She is wearing a tank top and some blue jeans. It's Blink! She stands ready as her opponent walks out to her. Her opponent is a young man, dressed in bright, flashy clothes and a odd grin on his face. It's Plasmonica!

P: So babe, how old are you?

B: Spare me the inane dialogue. (using her mutant power of teleportation, Blink blinks a DeSoto on top of Plasmonica's head. She is surprised when the car disintegrates in a large burst of color. Plasmonica strides out of the inferno, with nary a scratch on him)

P: Don't you know anything? Uncle hank put all this cool stuff in my head so I can more stuff! And Watch my Paulie Shore collection at the same time!

B: My God, have you no sense? (She concentrates, and several bits of machinery appear in her hand. Plasmonica, blood running quite freely out of his head, just stands there with an empty look on his face. After a few more seconds, the mutant with the power to be a complete twit, falls dead. Blink looks at the audience, flashes a smile, then blinks out of there)

Next, we see a young man dressed in leather pants and a tight muscle shirt breaking in to a converted shrine in Japan. (it's Alfala) He is greeted by none other than Skuld! She is holding her mallet out in front of her, and she looks rather pissed off.

S: Hold it! Nobody breaks into our home and gets away with it!

A: Aw, get bent ya brat! Is your skank sister home? I got a chubby that won't go down.

S: (in heavenly reverb) NOBODY TALKS ABOUT BELL-CHAN LIKE THAT! (she slams her mallet into Alfala's head, and is rewarded by the sound of bone and cartilage being crushed into a bloody ooze. Alfala stands for a second, then he slowly topples over. Skuld sends a few clean up robots to dispose of the body)

Finally, we see Ash (Bruce Campbell, not the Pokemon kid) putting up stock at S-Mart when a portal opens underneath him and he is sucked into the void)

A: Not again! (he lands inside a cabin) Oh no, not here…(we hear a menacing laugh. It's Lord Exdeath!)

E: Well, Ashley, are you ready to die?

A: Go to hell, you son of a bitch! (he rips off his S-Mart smock, reveling his usual combat attire under it. As he whips out his double-barrel shotgun, Lord ExDeath calmly walks in)

E: Now Ashley, is that any way to treat an old friend? And here I brought so many people just to see you…

A: What are you talking about? (suddenly, a rotting hand bursts out of the cellar door)

Female voice: Come on Ashley, join us!

A body, its features covered in pus, worms and bugs breaks down the door and shambles it's way towards Ash. It's gender is undeterminable, but the voice is male

Male voice: Join us!

A another female zombie shambles into the room. She is dressed in a tattered football jersey, and her head is missing. Another female enters the cabin, this one dressed in medieval clothes. Her skin is white, and she has fangs coming out of her mouth.

E: Come on Ashley, why don't you say something to your old friends?

A: Oh God, don't do this…(Cheryl, the zombie in the cellar, frees herself from the trapdoor and gets Ash in a chokehold)

C: You left me to die! You laughed at my warning, now look at me! This all your fault!(the other zombies close in, all of them chanting "Your Fault!")

Sheila picks up Ash and slams him into a nearby bookcase. Ash is knocked out. When he awakens, he is tied up in the cellar. D is standing over him.{D doesn't have any facial features, so I won't describe him}

D: Hey Ash. Been a while.

A: (backing away) No, you're dead!

D: Damn boy, why did you have to go and remind me? Anyway, I don't have much time. Here(he gives Ash his chainsaw and car key) I'll handle the zombies, you just get outside. You can handle Exdeath from there.

A: (snapping the chainsaw onto his stump) Thanks man. Think we have a chance?

D: Not really.

A: Well, that never stopped us before.

They run out of the cellar! D tackles the undead, while Ash jumps out of a nearby window! Lord Exdeath, who has been bust reading the Necronomian(SP?) is surprised to say the least.

E: D? How? Never mind that hack you ghouls, get Ash!

But it's too late. We hear a loud rumbling, and part of the wall caves in. it's Ash, and he's driving the Death-Coaster mk. II!{think a combo of a Sherman tank with a monster truck}

A: Welcome the twenty-first century asshole!

E: Noooooooooooooooooooo!(Lord Exdeath tries to run, but he gets turned into bloody mulch by the Coaster's spinning propeller blade. Along with him, the Necromoniacnm is also shredded. The zombies scream, and then start to dissolve. The body of Linda, before melting, reaches around her neck and takes off a small silver magnifying glass. She gives it to Ash before disappearing into nothingness.)

A: Linda…

D: Well Ash, I think it's time I left too. Don't worry, you'll be back in your job when you wake up.

A: Wake up? Was this all a dream?

D: maybe, maybe not. I can't say right now. But one last thing before I go. (he sticks out his hand) it's been a pleasure. (they shake hands, and Ash is swallowed up by a bright light. When he comes to, he is back at S-Mart)

A: What the-(he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out the magnifying glass Linda gave him. He clutches it in his hand and slowly looks around as the camera zooms out of S-Mart)

The (real) END

"The easier they are to make, the harder they are to watch"-Bruce Campbell

We see Crow and Tom walk out in front of a stage. They are both dressed tuxedos.

C: Well Tom, it looks like another end to another Nice Guy.

T: yep. 'bout damn time too.

C: Can you believe this? I mean, in the first three, we were the stars! Now look at us, bit parts!

T: (stage whisper) Um, Crow, that's not on the prompter…

C: I mean it, were the hell does this guy come off like that, just turning the show's flipping mascots in the text equivalent of redshirts? Huh? I mean, the guy's got serious…

(Tom knocks Crow aside and takes the mike)

T: Well, while my partner has a time out(guards rush on stage and escort Crow out) Let's go through the disclaimers. TDM, Lord Exdeath, Mix, Dan Gannon, DJ Croft, Great Red Serpent, Issei, Pipkin, Alfafla, Tom Dryon, Plasmonica, and Rob Liefield all belong to themselves. Mr. B. Natural is assumed to be public domain. Trumpy, Trash, & Eegraah are copyrighted by persons unknown. The Observers, Pearl, Evil Mike, Clay Forrester, Frank, Mike Nelson, Joel Robinson, Magic Voice, Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo and Crow are owned by Best Brains. (pauses for a minute) wait-Best Brains?

Just then, Crow rushes back on stage. His net is off tilt, and his tux is torn in several places.

C: No body owns me! I'm like the wind baby!

T: Um, ok. Do you want to read the rest?

C: Why not. Gina, Brittany, & Brianna Diggers are owned by Fred Perry. Ash is owned by Renaissance Pictures. Lilith is owned by Capcom. Kitty Pryde, Pete Wisdom, Nighthawk, Power Man, the Valkyrie, Clea, Shang-Chi, Blink, Moon Knight, Gambit, and the Defenders are copyright by Marvel/Toy Biz. Aerith is owned by Squaresoft. All the talking animals belong to Frank Cho. Skuld is owned by whoever wrote "Ah My Goddess". Kiyone is owned by who ever did "Tenchi Muyo". Jeez, does this guy know who any of these characters belong to?

T: probably not. Also, the concepts of Evil Joel, Crow, Tom Cambot, and Gypsy were thought up by D, Best Brains own the originals.

C: And finally, the SI of Captain Jessica is owned by the lovely and deeply

T:(under his breath. Yes, I know he dosen't breath, but you get the idea) Suck up

C: Talented Jaimelee Rocket,who was kind enough to beta read this.. Kasey, Angie, and Cleo owned by themselves and the aforementioned Ms. Rocket. Can you think of any thing else?

T: Our deepest thanks to everyone who wrote in on the first three Nice Guys {Thanks for the ideas SL!} And hey, you just might see us again in Nice Guy 5!

C: If D doesn't sober up that is.

The end!