Well, I'm back and this time out, things just get strange. So prepare yourself for

Mr. Nice Guy 5


Down in Hell, things were running their normal course. Sinners being tortured, etc. At one particular demon's desk, all the minor demons were having their annual performance review.

Large demon: Ah, yes, and good job, Mr. Sloan. I hope Hobgoblins 2 goes well for you. Next!

A small demon walks up the desk, a fearful look on his face. He looks like a Halloween devil, complete with a pitchfork.

Large demon: Ah. Pitch. (His voice grows cold enough to freeze even the eternal fires) You again.

P: Please master! I've tried really hard this year!

Large demon: You call trying to corrupt a 3-year old into skipping naptime "trying"?

P: (his voice falters) Well…

Large demon: Look Santa's little bitch, what Hell needs is some serious badass types running around on Earth. Not you annoying kids and getting smack around by fat men and reindeer, do you understand what I'm saying?

P: Yes sir!

Large demon: Well, what are you going to do about it?

P: Well, I have a plan. (He produces a scroll and places it on the desk. The large demon looks at it, and beneath his hood a large toothy grin is seen)

Large demon: Well, Pitch, it looks as if there's hope for you yet.

A little while later, the large demon and Pitch are escorted to a dark alcove.

Large Demon: Now Pitch, behind this wall are some of the most insane minds ever to be placed here. Are you sure you can control them?

P: (nodding like a child trying to convince their parents of something) Yes master! I'll have every thing under control!

Large demon: You realize if you screw this up, I'll relocate you to Heck, don't you?

P: (still nodding) Yes master, I understand, and I take full responsibility!

Large demon: Very well. Let us in! (the wall disappears and standing before the pair are a group of four people. One is a man whose face is hidden in shadow. He's tall, and with his extreme thinness and his hawk-like nose, he seems even taller. Next to him is a large woman, her hair done up in a tight roll, and she looks rather impatient. Behind her are two men, both dressed in labcoats. The taller of the two is decked out in green, and his brown hair looks as if he stuck his finger in one too many light sockets as a child. The other man is shorter, fatter, and dressed in black.)

Large demon: Well, Pitch, I hope you know what you're doing.

P: Don't worry master, I won't let you down this time! (With a wave of his pitchfork, Pitch and the quartet disappear in a flash of smoke and brimstone.)

On Earth

The four appear inside the Castle Forrester. Pitch is practically beside himself with glee.

P: Oh, now we are going to get to work! Oh, happy, happy day!

Von Reichter: (the really tall man) Why should one such as I work with such…(he sneers at the three) commoners.

Pearl: (oh, come on, you knew I'd be using her) Look you beady-eyed punk, nobody talks to a Forrester like that!

P: Um, people, could I say something here?

All four: NO! (they break down into their own arguments)

P: Well, darn, I didn't want to have to do this…(Pitch waves his pitchfork around, and all four of the scientists collapse on the ground, gasping for air) Now look, your job here is to corrupt souls. I picked you four because you are beyond all doubt the most evil bunch of loons that Hell has ever seen. The reason I brought you back is so you can gather souls for our army's power, is that understood?

The four scientists mutely nod all four of them giving Pitch dirty looks.

P: Now, if you need more followers, than let me know so I can get them, ok?

The four confer for a moment, and Dr. Erhardt gives Pitch a list.

Dr. E: These people should suit our needs just fine Pitch

P: (Look at the list, his eyes boggle) Ack! You, uh, want all these people?

Dr. Forrester: yes, we need all of them, unless you want us telling your boss how you screwed up again.

P: Oh, alright! (he disappears)

Some time later

Pitch returns, and he is greeted by the sight of a gigantic machine. It has four pods, and various occult symbols drawn on it.

P: I-I've gotten all the people, what in the name of the Lord of Flatulence is that?!

VR: That, (he indicates the machine) is the key to our victory.

PF: Yes, it seems 'ol Richtie here

VR: (his voice grows cold) That's Von Reichter…

PF: Whatever. Anyway, he says some

VR: I'll be the one to explain the machine, if you don't mind. Back in my youth, I was a lab assistant working for Mr. Munhassian. He had his team create a machine that would enable him to rule the world. It would be powered by the sex of a human female. However

Dr. F: Since we don't need this to become a lemon…

VR: (looking VERY angry) Yes, now we you kindly shut your diseased mouth you filthy American? Now as I was saying, the machine would have help keep the Furher in control forever, but due to a variety reasons, the project was canceled. I still had the basic designs of the machine.

PF: Were as I had the know how to get this sucker off the ground.

P: That's great, but what does the machine run on?

Dr. E: Easy, it runs off of good.

P: Eh?

Dr. F: Let me explain. Instead of sex, the machine is powered by the inherent goodness in four people. You see, there are four women, four very select women, who have enough goodness in their hearts to power this machine.

PF: And once it's up and running, the new Deus Ex Machine will bend the world to our whims!

P: But, but that's not corrupting any souls!

Dr. F: Well Pitch, when the world is ours, we will release all the worst movies and stories directly into the minds of everyone. When that happens, the people of the world will gladly part with souls

Dr. E: Along with everything else, just so the pain will stop!

P: Why, that's brilliant! My job is saved! (unfortunately, Pitch fails to notice the secret looks that the four are giving one another. Just then, a sweaty man dressed in robes walks in. He's Norman)

Norman: Mother Pearl! So good to see you again! Have you brought more sinners to me?

Dr. F: "Mother Pearl?"

PF: Oh, I can explain. When you died Clayton, I leased some rooms in the castle to Norman's church.

Norman: Yes the Church of The One, and I-(he gets a good look at Pitch) Stan! Thou would dare enter such a holy place?

P: Uh, I think you have me confused with-

Norman: Thou'll never penetrate my holy rectum again, thou evil foreskin lover! Nor will you lightly tickle my blessed orbs through the scared Y-Fronts! (he really starts to sweat at this point) Prepare yourself, you sweet assed sodomite with the shiny pecs and luscious lips, for the Divine humping of, er, I mean by me! Brother/Father/Reverend Norman! (he runs right at Pitch and proceeds to jump right on top of him. Pitch screams and teleports away.)

Dr. F: You had this planned from the start, didn't you mother?

PF: (with a innocent face) Who, me?

VR: Yes, well, as entertaining as that was, shouldn't we send our avatars out now?

PF: Yes, you have a point. You gentlemen ready?

He hear three "ayes" and one feminine "no"

PF: Oh, sorry about that honey. Aside from that, do you know who your targets are?

The four people nod(we see their shadows nod)

PF: Good. Then gentlemen, and LADY. Here are the targeting gems, and you four had better not screw up this time!

The four figures cringe and then they disappear in a brilliant flash of blue light.

Dr. F: Gee mom, do you we can trust them?

PF: Well, given that they managed to get themselves killed once before

Dr. E: Well several times actually…

PF: Did I ask you, you one note sidekick? Anyway, yes Clayton, don't worry. As usual, Mother's here to do the job you can't.

Dr. F; (trying to keep himself calm) Yes, Mother, you're always right, mother.

PF: (missing both the sarcasm and the words in italic) Good, glad to see I'm right.

Chapter 1-I'm living under a Chinese Rock/my best stuff's already hocked

We see Tenchi Masaki getting off a bus and making his way home.

TM: Man, what a day! I-oh, what now?

We hear explosions coming from the house, and we see a figure flying through the air and crash landing near Tenchi. It's Ryoko! It looks as if she's been to hell and back. Blood flows through an open wound in her side.

R: (weakly) T-tenchi, have to get away…he's back…(she sighs and her eyes drop)

TM: (dropping his bag, Tenchi rushes to her side to try and help her) Ryoko! What's happening? Who's here? (a series of violent explosions rock the house, and more than half of it is disintegrated. Tenchi puts his school jacket over Ryoko's prone form, and rushes to the house. Inside is his grandfather [Yosho] engaging a young man in a sword fight. The young man is dressed in black Juraian combat fatigues, his features obscured by smoke)

Man: Well Yosho, as much fun as catching up on old times is, I really can't let you get in my way again.(with a way of his hand, the man blasts Yosho out of the house! He skips across the water like a rock before sinking) Well that was fun, but now back to business. (he turns, and is confronted by the two guardians, Sasami, and one pissed off Aeka.)

A: Get away from us! I won't let you-urk! (the man, his face still hidden, grips Aeka by the neck. Auska & Kamidake are casually knocked aside. He steps into the light to revel his face. It's Adam Chris Leigh!)

ACL: really princess? You know, as long as I'm here, might as well kill two birds with one-eh? (Tenchi enters the house, his wooden practice sword drawn)

TM: I don't know you came back, but I'll send you back to hell if it's the last thing I do!

ACL: Oh, it will be boy, it will be. Hmm? (Aeka whips out a dagger from underneath her kimono and shoves it into Adam's heart. He just smirks, and removes it. There is no wound.) No that was rather un-ladylike princess. (with a casual shrug, he shoves the dagger into Aeka's chest. Her face goes pale, and she stumbles toward Tenchi)

A: Lord Tenchi…(she falls down, blood pooling around her)

TM: (rage building in his eyes) AEKA! You bastard, You'll pay!

ACL: (a dark version of the Light Hawk Wings appearing behind him) Come on then boy, let's ARRRAGGGH! (he clutches his neck and falls to his knees. Black fluid oozes out his mouth) Mother Pearl, please, (his voice becomes strained) let me kill him!

We hear Pearl's voice

PF: We don't have time for this! Will you stop screwing around and get the girl!

ACL: Very well (he walks toward Sasami. She is busy trying to stop Aeka from bleeding to death)

S: (as Adam grips her neck) TENCHI! Help me!

TM: Get away from her! (he rushes Adam, but Adam merely grabs Tenchi's sword hand, and crushes it with one movement) Arrragggggggaaahhhh!

ACL: (as he is enveloped in blue fire) Next time boy, I won't be so merciful.(he disappears with Sasami)

TM: (as both figures disappear from sight) NOOOO!

Later, in Washu's lab

Ryoko, Aeka, and Yosho are in giant fluid tanks. Tenchi's hand is in a metallic cast.

W: Sorry I couldn't help, but Kagato but some form of lock on my lab.

TM: Kagato? But that was Adam…

W: (her face going stern) No, it was NOT Adam Chris Leigh. That may have been his body, but that was definitely Kagato's mind.

TM: All I know is he hurt my friends, and he took Sasami! Washu, do you have any leads on him?

W: (With a snort) Well of course I do! I am the greatest scientific genius in the universe you know. He left a very traceable trail. I should have his location pinned down in a few seconds.

TM: Well, that's some good news at least. But how the heck did he become so powerful anyway? And who's this Pearl person he was talking too?

W: For the first part, well, I'm still working on it. But the last one I know. That would be Pearl Forrester. If he's thrown in his lot with her, I'd say we are in deep trouble.

TM: Do you have anything that can stop him?

W: We need some help. There's only one man in the multiverse that can stop a Forrester. (she reaches for a phone)

TM: Who?

W: Joel Robinson, of course!

Chapter 2- I can't take Karen to prom/something's going to go wrong

We see a small farmhouse in the middle of the Midwest. Mike Nelson is sitting on the porch, along with Joel and Kiyone. Both Mike and Joel look more or less the same, but it's Kiyone who has changed the most. Her hair is shorter, her eyes are now gray, and there are a few strands of what appears to be metal intermixed with her hair.

MN: So, uh, is it magic voice or-

K: I'm still the same Kiyone Mike, but magic voice is now a part of me. But we didn't come all the way out here to talk about that, did we?

MN: No, I guess you didn't. (sighs heavily) Look Joel, thanks for coming out here. Ever since Brianna left, well…

JR: Hey, its ok. (he pats Mike on the shoulder) I understand loneliness. I-(his cell phone starts to ring) Sorry (he answers it) hello? Oh, hi Washu! What? (his face pales) Good grief! (the phone slips out of his hand) Pearl's back.

Mike and Kiyone both stare

K: What? How?

MN: Come on, we have to stop her! (He rushes into the house, and returns with a newly shined broadsword)

JR: We already know where she is, but the trick is going to be getting in.

MN: Good point. You too can come up with a plan, I'll call the bots.

JR: Good point. We also have to figure out what Pearl would want with Sasami.

MN: Well, we can figure that out when we get there.

K: Joel, if you don't mind?

JR: Sure Kiyone, go right ahead.

Kiyone closes her eyes, and the metal in her head glows brightly. Suddenly a ship materializes above Mike's farmhouse. The words "Robinson's" are written in bright red across the hull.

JR: Shall we go?

MN: (still staring at the ship in awe) sure, sure.

Castle Forrester

Pearl is beaming with pride as she looks down on the prone form of Sasami. The Jurain princess is mercifully out cold as Bobo straps her in one of the four pods.

B: Lawgiver, let me just say that I am so proud to be working with you again.

PF: Yeah, well, the writer needed some comic relief.

B: Excuse me?

PF: Never mind. Since we are at 25% power, let's do a little test run.

Dr. E: Do you think that's wise Mrs. Forrester?

PF: Are you still here? Look; just punch in these coordinates and do as I say, ok?

B: Well, alright. (he punches in the numbers, and the machine roars to life! A vortex opens up, and a young woman emerges. She is dressed in skintight latex, and a mech crow is sitting on her shoulder. Her name is Julia. And the mech's name is Magpie. And before you ask, no, he's not a woozle.)

J: (on a bent knees) Yes, what may this lowly one do for you?

PF: (gives her a scroll) Follow the instructions, and don't fail.

J: If I may be so bold ma'am, why bring this double of your son here? I thought he had returned with you?

PF: he did, but I need someone I can browbeat, and my real son just won't do. Understand now?(thinking to herself) Besides, I need someone I can trust to up the power on this machine.

J: Yes mistress. (she disappears)


We see Clay Forrester grooming himself in front of a mirror

CF: Well Frank, tonight's the night!

F: (reading a magazine and not bothering to look over at him) Yeah Steve, I'm sure you'll knock her dead.

We see Captains Jessica and Kasey walking down the hall towards Clay's cabin

K: I still say your going too fast with him!

CJ: Oh, lighten up Kas! We're just watching a movie, it's not we're…you know…(her face goes as red as Angie's jumpsuit)

K: (noticing her complexion) You know, you should really have that checked out, that can't be healthy.

We hear crashing sounds coming from Clay's cabin

CJ: Oh, no! CLAY! (she rushes into the room)

K: wait, damn it! (using her comlink) Ash, get your butt down here now! We have an intruder!

We see Julia, with the prone form of Clay slung over her shoulder. Frank is out cold.

CJ: Get away from him you bitch! (energy starts to build around her)

J: Sorry babe, this stud is ALL mine! HAHAHAHA! (she jumps though a open vortex. Jessica, her aura going out of control, leaps in after her. Kasey looks on)

K: Doesn't anybody wait anymore? (she follows suit, and goes in after her)

Castle Forrester

We see Pearl and the other mads standing around the machine.

VR: Have we picked another target yet?

Dr. F: Just about to do that. (he turns to the shadows) Are you ready?

One of the shadows turns to him

Voice: Yes, we are deciding now. (They begin to chant, and a map of the stars appears on the wall. The lines merge and take shape until they resemble…)

Dr. F: Kasumi Tendo! Yes, her inner goodness could easily power a whole city! Which one of you is going?

A feminine shadow steps forward. Her voice sounds almost…familiar.

Voice: I'll go.

Dr. F: Good, but remember

Voice: Yeah, yeah, no screwing around, and no goofing off. Don't worry, Ms. Goody two-shoes will be in one of your pods before you know it. (A portal opens up beneath her feet. Before she disappears, she turns to Von Reichter) Hey doc, didn't you say that machine used to run on sex?

VR: Well, yes, but-

Voice: Do you have any of the old attachments? Because I have been wanting to-OW!(Dr. Forrester kicks her down the portal)

Chapter 3-I'm a teenage schizoid/pranks & muggings are fun

Nerima, Japan

Inside the Tendo Dojo, the shadow appears. She removes her hood to revel the face of…

Just then, Akane, with P-Chan in tow, walks around a corner.

AK: Ranma? I thought you went out? And why did you change? (P-Chan starts to freak out at the sight of the female "Ranma")

R: Akane, (her voice taking a seductive tone, and getting uncomfortably close to her) Have you ever(she whispers something in Akane's ear, and Akane goes beet red)

AK: R-ramna! Uh, look, I

R: Too slow honey! (With one quick punch to the chest, Akane is knocked out! P-Chan rushes to her defensive, but "Ranma" grabs a nearby trashcan, puts the pig in it, and shoves it into the floor, effectively trapping the lost boy.) By the way, the name's Ranko. Now, to get the older sister and split.

She enters the kitchen, and Kasumi smiles warmly at her

K: Oh, hello Ranma. Dinner will be ready in a little bit.

R: (thinking to herself) easy as pie…

Castle Forrester

We see Kasumi, already locked in one of the tubes. Dr. Forrester turns to congratulate Ranko. She is on crutches, and her face looks like one giant bruise.

Dr. F: Good job Ranko!

R: You didn't tell me she could fight!

Dr. F: Really? I thought you knew. Oh well. The Deus Ex Machine is now up to 50% power. You go lie down for a bit

Down in the dungeon

We see Clay tied up to the wall. Julia's busy running her hands over his bare torso while Pearl looks on.

PF: hello Clay

CF: Mom? Wait, you're that doppelganger, aren't you?

PF: Well, I guess you could call me that. You see Clay, I need your help. My real son, genius that he is, well, I can't trust him. Or any other of those scientists. You have the intellect-

CF: And I won't try to kill you, right?

PF: Got it in one. So, can you up the power on the machine?

CF: (thinking to himself) Hmm, this may be the chance I need. If I can get access to the machine, I can get help! (out loud) Well, it looks as if I don't have a choice.

PF: I knew you'd see it my way. Julia, you can stay here, just don't damage him too much, ok?

J: Oh, thank you mother Pearl! (she grins evilly as Pearl leaves)

But we must leave this scene for now, and check in on what Joel is doing

We see Joel and Washu talking rather animatedly, while Mike and the rest of the group looks on.

W: I've traced the energy patterns that Kagato left.

JR: And I found a similar trail near the Tendo dojo.

W; Yes, it seems that both trails end up at

JR: Castle Forrester, We should have known! And look, there's another one on the SOD!

W: Looks like Pearl's gathering people. We know she has Sasami

JR: And Kasumi

W: Right. Now, what are we going to do?

Nagi, who has been sitting in the back, staring at the prone form of Ryoko, speaks: I say we hit them now, when they are least expecting it.

MN: Good idea-what's that?(he points to machine that has just started to blink)

W: A-ha! They are at it again! This device will help us track them, they are just opening a portal!

MN: Then lets go!

Chapter 4-Chewing out a rhythm on my bubble gum/the sun is out and I want some

We see Mike, Nagi, and Joel appear near a temple(yes, it's still in Japan)

N: Just stay out of my way-(before the bounty hunter can say anything else, she and the other are blown back by a huge explosion! Walking out of the smoke is Alfala, think Johnny Rotten red hair and a saggy ass, with Belldandy slung over his shoulder. Miranda, his "old lady", and dressed in something that Lita Ford might have thrown out. Her hands are glowing, and a portal opens up in front of them)

M: I still don't know why we need this bitch, aren't I good enough?

A: Course babe, I'm just hitting on her to make you jealous. Besides, the doc said he needed her! (the two jump through the portal)

Nagi: (pounding her hands on the ground and screaming to the heavens) DAMN IT!

MN: Come on, let's check for anybody else. (they enter the temple)

A unconscious young man is slumped on the ground.

JR: Keiichi! (He rushes to check him) He's ok, but he's pretty banged up.

MN: (in another room) hey, Joel? I think you might want to take a look at this…

JR: (enters the room where Mike is) Holy!

Would be the right term, because encased in two cocoons are Belldandy's sisters, Urd and Skuld!

JR: Come on, let's get them back to Washu (they exit)

In the lab

Washu is standing at a podium, with the assembled group sitting around her

W: (wearing her professor uniform) Well, what facts do we know?

JR: That Pearl Forrester is behind this, as usual.

W: True, but this is too good, too well planned to be anything thought up by her. So we must assume that she is being helped by a person, or persons, unknown.

U:(busy pacing) Whatever, when can we go and get my sister back?

W: (pushing a few buttons, Washu causes a large stone statue to fall on Urd's head) No talking out of turn! Now, we known that her minions are ending up at Castle Forrester, so it is logical that we would need to storm the castle, in order to rescue our friends. And before you ask, no, I can't beam them out of there, because that dammed woman has installed a Ratliff device in the walls, and in makes direct (not to mention logical attacks) out of the question. Knowing her past record, it is safe to assume that she has Avatars on her side, three we know already. Knowing that, we have to gather our forces and storm the castle!

JR: Good plan!

W: Well, I am a genius you know! Besides, if we didn't, the plot would be pretty slow, wouldn't it?

JR: Eh?

W: Don't worry, the 4th wall can't be broken in here.

JR: (looking, well, not really relived at that) Oh, ok.

W: The plan is, I'll send you and your team in, but I can't guarantee you'll be in the same location…

JR: (ruefully) Don't worry, I'm use to it.

W: Alright then, let's get ready!

Chapter 5-Danny says we gotta go/Got to go to Idaho/And we can't go surfing cuz it's 20 below

We see Kasey, sprawled out on the ground, right outside Castle Forrester.

K: Oh, man. I feel like my brain's hanging upside down. Jessica! (She sees smoke rising a little ways off)

She'd better not be hurt or I'm going to kick her ass! Running off like that, She could have at least waited for Ash or Barock or somebody! (She makes her way to the spot.) J-Jessica?

The figure she's talking looks vaguely like Captain Jessica. The face is the same, but the body…well, let's just say she could now pass for Naga the Serpent's twin sister. Her eyes flicker open

CJ: Oh, where am I?

K: (tentatively approaching her) Jess?

CJ: (her eyes now have a rather manic look in them) No, I'm not Captain Jessica! I'm Chibi-Hiroyuki! HHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!

K: (blood rushing out of her ears) ARRRAGGGH!

CH: I know my Clay-sama is in yonder castle! Come Percy! (She starts to "gallop" away, then she stops)

The stupid horse won't go if you don't touch the coconuts dear. Dear? (Kasey is out cold) Oh darn. Oh, well. (She starts to skip happily up to the castle) Zipper your doo-da, zip it today! I'm gonna find that skank Julia and make her pay! And I will too! HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOO!

Meanwhile, in the castle

We see Clay chained to the wall in Julia's bedroom. His face is bruised, and he is bleeding from the chest. Julia is pacing around in front of him, carrying a whip.

J: Do you still want to play it this way?

CF: I'd rather die than work for you or that freak!

J: (with a shrug) Suit yourself.

Just then, we hear a pounding on the outside wall. It gets closer and closer

J: What the hell? (she looks out her window. Chibi-Hiroyuki is climbing up the wall by pounding in hand-rests. When she gets close enough, She leaps up and latches onto Julia's head, using her as a springboard into the room)

C-H: Clay-Sama! (She bounces over and embraces Clay Forrester in a crushing bear hug)

CF: (His face going purple) Can't…breathe!

C-H: Oops, sorry. (Notices the blood) EEK! Clay, who did this? Was it her? (She rushes over and grabs Julia in a headlock) Did you do this?

J: (Also trying to breathe) Yeah, what of it? (unseen by anyone, Mr. Magpie has flown out)

C-H: That was a very naughty thing to do!(She opens up the closet door, and proceeds to slam the door on Julia's neck) Now, are you sorry?

J: (Extends her middle finger)

C-H: No? Well, ookie-dookie then! (She breaks Julia's middle finger, then proceeds to push her in the closet. We hear sounds of insane violence, the ripping of cloth, and Chibi-Hiroyuki walks out a moment later. Her tattered jumpsuit is pooled around her feet, and she is now dressed in a black latex version of the Rocket gang uniform. Blood is slowly seeping its way into the carpet) Clay, what do you think? Julia was nice enough to give me this! (She snaps the chains that were holding him to the way)

CF: (Unnerved) Um, it's very nice…

C-H: (her face brightening up) You really like it! Thank you! (She gets him in another bear hug. While she is squeezing him, Clay gets a good look inside the closet)

CF: Good grief! Um, Jess-


CF: Um, right. Did you really shove her head up her-

C-H: (with child-like enthusiasm) Yup!

CF: (VERY intimidated) Ok, just checking that's all.

Well, that was interesting, was it not? Anyway let's check in on the bad guys.

We see Pearl, and Doctors Forrester, Erhardt, and Von Reichter. They are standing around the Deus Ex Machine.

Dr. E: (reading a print out) Power levels at 75%!

VR: Surely this is enough to put out plans into motion-(Suddenly, alarms begin to off!) What?

Dr. F: Intruder! There's only one on the screen, and it's a SI!

PF: Damn it! We'll have to make do with what we have. Clayton, Larry, rally our forces. Reichter, you get our final girl.

Dr. E: What about you Mrs. Forrester?

PF: I'm going to make sure we win this time!

As she leaves, the other three get to work. A hooded figure walks up Von Reichter.

Figure: Is it time?

VR: Yes. You know who to pick?

Figure: (Sounding offended) Well, of course I do!

VR: Good, now go! (A portal opens up, and the figure jumps through it)

Chapter 6-And I'm not sorry for the things I do/My head is shot from shooting glue

We see a yellow sports car making its way across a bridge in the Japanese countryside. We see a young blond woman(who has some rather masculine tendencies) driving. Beside her is a another young woman. She has aquamarine hair, and is busy reading a map.

Woman: Haruka, I think we should have-what's that?

Standing in the middle of the bridge is a tall man. He has VERY big muscles, impossibly high yellow hair, and a hairy monkey tail sticking out of his ass. That's right, it everybody's favorite herm. Oscar!

O: Oh, I am going to enjoy this. BOOMSHACKALACA! (he fires a energy burst near the car. Haruka swerves to avoid it, but the blast follows her car. It flies in close and explodes. The shock waves from it cause the car to flip over. Oscar calmly walks past the destruction, picks up Haruka's limp form, and teleports away. Michiru goes unnoticed, and as Oscar disappears, her hand reaches from her transformation wand…)

Back at the castle

Pitch paces around as the mads work on the Deus Ex Machine.

P: Is it ready yet?

VR: As a matter of fact, it has been ready for quite some time. We are just preparing to gather our army.

Dr. E: We seem to have lost the intruders signal, ma'am.

PF: Doesn't matter. Once we get our army, we'll be unstoppable! Clayton?

Dr. F: Yes mother. Pitch, we are thankful for the help, but now

P: What are you talking about? (Norman enters)

N: Ah! Stan! Thou shall not escape my divine wraith again, you greasy ass-gerbil!

P: Oh bloody heaven! (He runs out of the room screaming, with Norman in hot pursuit)

Dr. F: Well, that should keep Norman busy for what, 15 minutes?

Washu's lab

W: Ok, I'll send you guys over, then send in backup as needed. Are you sure this plan will work?

MN: Of course. It hasn't let us down before.

W: (with reluctance) Well, alright. (A Stargate-style portal opens up) Good luck, (The group steps through) You'll need it…

Joel, Mike, Crow, Tom, Gypsy, Nagi, and Tenchi appear in front of the castle.

MN: Well, this is first!

JR: Yeah, you think maybe Pearl's on to us?

JR: Hmm, maybe. We should stick together- (He turns around. Only he and Mike are still there) Well darn.

Back in the castle

Pearl is monitoring the defense systems.

PF: Damn it all to hell! Joel's here!

Dr. F: What?

VR: I see. Pearl, now that we have all four women, let us test the Machine.

PF: Good idea, glad I thought of it. Larry!

Dr. E: Yes ma'am?

PF: Load up that list I gave you. We're going to surprise the hell out of Mikey and those tinker-toys! And tell Adam and those other freaks to get to the other parts of the castle and stand guard, just in case our Avatars fail again.

Dr. Erhardt punches a few buttons, and the machine roars to life! After a flash of light we see the outlines of several people, some of them looking rather familiar…

We see Pitch running down into the catacombs.

P: Damn! I can't go back to hell, they'll think I screwed up again! I need-oooffffff!(He trips over Kasey)

K: Watch it!

Norman runs in

N: Aha! Trying to corrupt me with a woman? I see through your evil plan!

K: Um, I think I took a wrong turn. I'll be leaving now…(She turns to run, but Norman grabs her)

N: Hold fast harlot! Would ye refuse the offer to partake of the holiest of fluids? Then thou art a sinner, and thou shall be punished! (he slams her against a bookcase. She falls, and she knocks over a small jar with a beetle in it. The jar smashes on impact, and suddenly, a hooded figure appears!)

Figure: Ra's eyes! You!

N: (Fear is spread across Norman's fat face) No, not you! Away vile temptress! Away!

The figure laughs, and opens up its robes. A swarm of beetles emerge, and they begin to crawl over Norman, burrowing their way into his flesh. His high-pitched screams echo about the catacombs as his flesh is stripped away by the black horde. Pitch runs away with both relief and fear on his face, while Kasey can only stare in mute horror. The beetles leave what's left of Norman, and run back into the folds of the figure's robes. The figure turns to Kasey.

Figure: (In a strangely accented English) Are you the one who released me?

K: (Rather terrified) Y-yes.

Figure: (Lets the robes fall away to revel a beautiful woman. She is dressed in a manner of the early Egyptian court.) Then you have the gratitude of a Child of Isis. (She takes off one of her bracelets and gives it to Kasey) We are now one. If you are in any danger, the Children of Isis will protect you.

K: (Unnerved) Um, ok. Can you help me find my friend Jessica? I think she went crazy when we fell though that portal into this world.

Woman: I don't understand your tongue, but I will help.

K: Well, ok. I…guess you should follow me.

Woman: Very well. (the two women make their way upstairs)

Upstairs, Pearl is having a fit.

PF: (reading a printout) What? They're already in the castle?! Clayton! Get everyone to battle stations!

Unseen by Pearl, Von Reichter is slips away. He runs into Oscar. The Sayjin is busy dragging a battered Haruka behind him.

VR: (His face calm, but his voice is cold) What do you think you are doing?

O: Going to have some fun-acccckkk!(He clutches his neck and falls down)

VR: (holding a remote control) You weren't suppose to bring anyone else! I don't care about your deviant urges, but you will do as I say, and make sure the machine is safe, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

O: (Gasping for air) Y-yes sir.(He kicks Haruka hard in the head and leaves her in the hallway)

Chapter 7-It's TV's fault I act this way/Mom & Pop want to put me away/From the early morning movie to the late-late show/once its over/I got nowhere to go

We see Gyspy walking down a hallway. There is some movement behind her. We see Superjizz (think over-compensation devices and a cheap suit) sneaking up behind her. Suddenly, Gypsy's head turns a 180 degree angle, staring right into the Avatar's face.

G: Here's a tip. If someone had spent a better portion of their life being attuned to the slightest change in atmosphere and temperature, then you would have to be pretty damn good to sneak up on them. And you're no damn good. (A ray shoots out of her single eye, and Superjizz disappears!)

SJ: Son of a-!

He reappears on a subway station platform. The area is quiet, but there is another person there. The person (Much to Superjizz's delight) is a young woman. Her back is turned to him, but Superjizz doesn't care. He sneaks up behind her, his tentacles slowly approaching her legs.

SJ: Hey, like taking candy from a baby…what the hell?!

(Six LARGE lumps appear on the woman's back. Six spider legs burst out of her back! She turns around to the terrified Avatar. Her eyes are pupil-less, and we see several fangs glistening in the overhead lights.


SJ: No! (he tries to run, but he trips over his tentacles. He falls hard as the woman leaps on him. We see their shadows on a nearby wall. A small trickle of blood runs across the floor. Then a GEYSER of blood sprays across the platform, making everything a sticky red)

In another part, we see Clay and Chibi-Hiroyuki waking down a corridor.

CF: Knowing my mom, she'll have placed the containment pods in different parts of the castle.

C-H: Ohhh, Clay-sama! (She gets him in another bear hug) I'll LOVE it when you talk strategy! (with one foot sweep, she knocks Clay onto the ground) Here's mine, what do you think?(she pounces on him)

CF: Oh my!

Meanwhile, back at Washu's lab.

W: Hmm, well, now at least we know what we're up against. What about you doc?

We see Doctor Thinker

Dr. T: smwle, it's a deliougus honor and an ajhalf to even b here, oh, lovely and demure-goddness of science.

W: (blushes slightly) Well, it is kind of you to say that. But you're right! Thanks to your Thinker-tracker command program, we can now send over our forces. Do you want the honors?

Dr. T: heavens snoo, ms washuu. It's sis ainndedd your fine labvorityry which provuideded the amazzing science whicjh in turn garve this lowly worm, the insihhtgt tneded to poduced the THINKER-TRACKER.

W: Well, then I'll just push the button, if you don't mind. (to herself) I have got to update that translator.

We see a man dressed in a pseudo-military uniform. He is pacing about one of the many, many hallways of the castle. He has blond hair, a pug nose, and a bad case of acne in his hairline (his name is General Slaughter) He is distracted by a thunderous crash coming from a supply closet.

Male voice: OW! Would ja get your knee out of my back!

Other male voice: Only when you get your elbow out of my ear!

GS: Hmm, I detect some George Michael shenanigans going on. (He kicks the door down) Alright you perverts, come out and get what you-huh?

(Inside the closet, tangled up in one another, are Ranma Saotome, and Ryouga Hibiki! They untangle themselves, and walk out)

RH: I told you we should have picked the landing spot outside!

RS: Would you shut up, we're inside aren't we?

GS: Hey! (He grabs his walkie-talkie) The invaders are in the castle! (He pulls out a Mac-10 on the two martial artists) Who the hell do you two pervs think you are?

(at the same time)

RS: I'm Ranma Saotome, of the Soatome School of Anything-Goes-Martial-Arts!

RH: I'm Ryouga Hibiki!

GS: Aw, just shut up both of you!

RH: This is for Akane! (His body begins to glow blue as he prepares to fire off a depression blast. The blast hurls General Slaughter through the air, and he lands like a potato sack! Ranma struts over and with blinding speed, lets loose with a devastating combo of punches, so fast that we can't even see his fists.)

In yet another hallway

We see Kasey and the strange Egyptian woman walking down yet another hallway.

K: Arragghh! How many hallways can there be in one castle? Wait, what's that? (We hear he voices of Clay and Chibi-Hiroyuki)

CF: Well, that was a good way to spend time

C-H: Ohh, Clay-sama! I just loved the way you got the whole thing in!

CF: Well, after all that lubricate you gave me, it was a pretty easy ride in

K: (Jumping around the corner) What the hell do you think you're doing? What? (She sees Clay and Chibi-Hiroyuki putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Why, what did you think they were doing?)

C-H: Dear! (She gets Kasey in bear hug) Who's your friend?

Woman: I am just a child of Isis.

K: That's all she says. Anyway, man, am I glad to see you two! Come on, let's (Suddenly, gas begins to filter in) Oh no! (the four try to run, but they all succumb to the gas.)

In the dinning room

The room is a grand hall, with old-world furniture, plush carpets, and a healthy fire going in the fireplace.

We see Kitty Pryde, decked out in a Emma Peel catsuit, phase through the wall, and start to sneak her way across the floor. A loud, high-pitched voice begins to taunt her

Voice: Heh-heh, you think you're so damn smart. You think you could sneak pass me?

KP: What? (the room appears empty. Kitty thinks to herself) Where could that voice be coming from?

Suddenly, a small X flies off of the wall and floats in front of the young mutant.

X: Alright, prepare to meet your doom! Nobody has escaped the wraith of Chibi-X!

KP: (Clearly taken aback) You must be joking.

X: I don't joke! Prepare to die!! (The X turns horizontal and flies at Kitty's neck! But Kitty manages to make her body intangible so that the living projectile harmlessly passes through her body, and leaves no damage) What the hell? What kind of freak are you?

KP: I prefer the term mutant

X: Whatever! After I beat you, I'll have that tight ass of yours waxed good!

KP: Was that an insult? Look, whatever you're suppose to be, I'm kinda busy, so…

X: DIE! (he makes another pass, and as before, he goes right through her. Tragically for him, she was standing right in front of the fireplace. Chibi-X spirals out of control, and lands dead center of the roaring fire!) AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! (the tiny X screams in agony as the fires hungrily consume him)

KP: Well, that has to count pretty high on the weirdness meter. I wonder how Mr. Nelson is doing…

Meanwhile, we see the four unconscious forms of Clay, the Child of Isis, Kasey, and the now normal form of Captain Jessica! Everyone except Kasey is bound and gagged. She's ties down to a chair near a dinner table. The table is covered in all kinds of food and drink. We see two apes in labcoats and suits walking around.

Ape 1: Humph. I don't see why the Professor hasn't let us work on the bright eyes,

Ape 2: Quiet, here he comes!

We see Professor Bobo enter!

PB: Hello Mojo, Hello Jojo. How are our guests?

M: This one is coming to(he nods to Kasey)

K: (waking up) ooh…what the hell?

PB: Ah hello! You may be wondering why your ties up. Well, it's like this. Pearl has said if I'm good, I can have a human of my own.(he runs a paw through her hair) And I am rather taken with you, even if you don't have any facial hair or ticks. How well can you sling your own feces?

K: (veins bulging out of her head) THAT'S IT! (With a Herculean burst of strength, Kasey snaps her ropes)

PB: mojo! Jojo! Get her! (he runs to the far side of the room and takes cover under the table)

Mojo runs up behind Kasey. She grabs a nearby wine bottle, and chugs the contents. Jojo runs up in front of her, but she slides out of the way at the last minute, causing the two to collide. Jojo gets up, and Kasey runs up to him. She shoves her left arm up his waistcoat and proceeds to punch the hell out of him with her right. The strength of her punch is enough to knock the ape back, tearing his waistcoat right down the middle. Mojo crawls up, and tries to get the young woman in a sleeper-hold. Kasey reaches down into a nearby stove, and pulls out a burning log! (yes, it's wood burning stove, and no, I don't know what's doing here either) Shifting the log from one hand to the other Kasey slams the log into Mojo's head! He goes down like a intern as Bobo fearfully looks up from his hiding place.

PB: Perhaps the Lawgiver was right, maybe this was a bad idea. Ook! (he turns to run as kasey simply slides the burning log across the table! It sails off of the edge, and hits Bobo right square in the ass! This knocks him forward, right into his collection of oily rags and used gas cans. The primate bursts into flame and runs screaming from the room


K: Well, that was fun. Jessica, you alright?

Jessica has now reverted back to her normal body, if not her mind.

CJ: Ohh, where am I? Last I remember is chasing after that horrible woman-Wait, Clay? You're ok! (she wraps Clay up in a bear not as strong as Chibi-Hiroyuki, but Clay doesn't mind.) What happened?

K: Long story. Come on, let's get out of here!

Chapter 8-The kids are all hopped up and ready to go/ they're ready to go now/they got their surfboards cuz they're going to the disco-tech a go-go

We see Pearl and the other mads standing around the Deus ex machine.

PF: Ok, we know (suddenly, Bobo runs in. He is still on fire!)

PB: AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! SAVE ME MONKEY JEUS! (He exits from the room, still screaming and still on fire)

PF: I'm a rational woman, so I know I didn't see that. Anyway, we have to split up the machine. Clay, you Larry and the Kraut each take a pod, and go to a different part of the castle. The others (she points to a different group of Avatars) get to the computers and start writing! We can't lose this time! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! (the others break down into their own evil laughter)

Chapter 8-I got no friends cuz they read the papers/they can't be seen/with me/And I've real shot down/and I'm getting mean!

We see Dr. Erhardrt and Ranko standing over one of the pods. They are in what appears to be a large storeroom of some kind, with a variety of objects laying scattered about.

R: Man, I'm soooooooo bored! Hell, I'd even screw you, if it just pass the time! Heh, maybe even Mother Pearl

Dr. E: (perking up) Well, if you say so…

Just then, one of the walls caves in! Out of the rubble emerges Dr. Thinker (dressed in bright yellow fatigues) and Akane Tendo!

AT: Alright, hand over my sister!

Dr. E: Wait, I'll call for backup! (He runs to a nearby lever)

Dr. T: Not sdo Fast my chivken changa sized compateriorte in the mad science-lie field!tatse the smove and yet pleasing taste of justice wwith my THINKER DELATE KEY! (he whips a device which bares a passing resemble to a gunblade, only it's really, really big. With one squeeze of the trigger, Dr. Thinker causes Dr. Erhadrt to be deleted!

Dr. E: Well, carp (are the only things he can say as he fades away)

AT: You're mine bitch!

R: Alright! I could go for some hot girl on girl action right about now! (With a blinding burst of speed, Ranko appears at the other end of the room, holding a sports bra and a pair of panties!)

AT: What the? (She pats herself) Ack!

R: Learned that from the old master himself. Now, for the whole outfit!

Dr. T: hold enough, fait Tendo, fore-unngh! (Ranko kicks him hard, right in the forehead)

R: Sheesh, did you understand a thing he said anyway? No matter, Akane, your sweet ass is mine now! (Suddenly, the pod explodes! Kasumi emerges from it, looking none the worse for wear)

KT: Oh my, Akane, did you come hear just to rescue me?

AT: um, yeah

KT: Well, that was sweet of you (Ranko runs up, and tries to do a overhand strike. Kasumi, not even batting an eye, extends her right arm, and lightly blocks Ranko's attack. Ranko screams as ALL the bones in her arm explode out of her body, turning her arm into a bloody tatter)

R: You –you cun-(Before she can finish, Kasumi picks her up, tosses her towards the smashed remains of the pod. We hear a wet crunch as Ranko hits the broken glass. She gets up, and we see that she put her hand up to her face to protect it, and now she has broken shards of glass sticking directly to her head thorough her hand! Before she can utter another profanity, The elder Tendo sister hurls Ranko through the air, right through the ceiling!)

AT: (in udder amazement) Kasumi! How the hell did you do that?

KT: Easy, you remember that nice boy Ricky, that use to walk me home in grade school? Also, I don't it's proper you to be using such language.

AT: (her head bowed) Gomen

Ranko falls back though the hole. Before she can hit bottom, Kasumi puts her hand out, and lightly taps Ranko's head. The motion causes all the bones in the doppelganger of Ranma's body to explode out of her feet, leaving Ranko looking like a rubber glove that someone has filled to bursting with rotten meat.

AT: (brushing Ranko's entrails off her gi) Um, Kasumi?

KT: Yes? (oblivious to the carnage)

AT: Don't you think that was a bit much?

KT: nonsense. Let's wait here a bit. I'm sure Ranma and the others will find us.

Just then, Ranma and Ryouga burst through another wall

RH: (NOTICING THE BLOOD) AKANE! This is all your fault Ranma!

RS: Aw, shut the hell up bacon bit!

AT: Guys, It's ok! I'm fine, and Kasumi's ok! You don't have to fight!

R&R: (at the same time) Awwww, we don't?

KT: Come on, I sure the others are waiting for us. Let's go and see how they're doing.

AT: Um, Kasumi?

KT: Yes?

AT: if you could fight like that all along, then why did you get captured?

KT: Well, (she leans in and whispers in her sister's ear) You always end up getting kidnapped, so I thought it would be a good break for you. Anyway, I needed the workout.

AT: oh

KT: Ranma, I think it would be nice of you to carry Dr. Thinker back with us. But be careful, he did take a bad blow to the head.

RS: (rather put off by the blood) Um, sure, ok (He and Ryouga pick the unconscious Doctor up and gently carry him out)

Back in the control room

Pearl is having a fit.

PF: You bunch of baboons! Thanks to you, we're down to 75% power now! No matter, we still have enough. Your highness, is your ship ready? (we hear a feminine yes) Good, launch your ship! (speaking into a intercom) Clay, start launching our forces now!

CF: yes mother.

We see the Enterprise-F appear somewhere in deep space. The overall design of the ship is similar to both the Enterprise-D and E. The saucer section is slightly elongated, and there are now three wrap nacelles behind it. On the bridge stands a young woman, her hair done up in a large mane of strawberry yellow. (that's right, It's everyone's favorite dictator in a training bra, Marissa Flores Picard!)

MP: Right, Mr. Gordon, what's our status?

JG: Well, we are approaching a small planet now. Scans revel very little in way of technology, and no space-faring capabilities.

MP: Excellent! Mr. Gordon, launch a few torpedoes planet side. Just to let them know we mean business.

Suddenly, the bridge is rocked by a series of explosions!

MP: Clara, what the hell is going on?

C: Our third warp nacelle just exploded! Engineering has managed to jettison the nacelle, so we should-(an alarm begins to sound) enemy ships, port side! We're under attack!

MP: Where? I don't see anything.

C: The craft are so small that they are evading most of the scanners Captain. We're having some trouble locking on to them

MP: Oh, you're all damn useless! Move! (She kicks Clara out of her chair, and takes over) I'll manage the weapons. Jay, you and Alexander prepare the bombardment of the planet, and find out who's attacking us!


We see who's attacking the ship. It's Voltron, Defender of the Universe! The new Enterprise is so large now that Voltron is almost dwarfed by it. (Think a six foot man standing next to a battleship) But the mighty robot is bravely holding it's own, as the Enterprise begins to turn it's attention to the nearby planet.

Keith: Come on team, we can't lose! Lance, how are the crystals holding up?

Lance: Not good. We're doing a lot of damage, but the ship's just too darn big. We need backup, and we need it now!

K: I know, I know. Pidge, open a line to Commodore Hawkings, and see what's keeping him. Princess, Call Coran and tell him to launch the castle, we need all the help we can get!

P&PA: Aye!

Agonizing minutes creep by, then, salvation appears! The Galaxy Garrison fleet arrives!

Com. Hawkings: Sorry about the delay Commander. We had a run-in with rest of Starfleet.

K: Are you ok?

CH: Aye, nothing the three Voltrons couldn't handle.

Hunk: Wait, did you say 3 Voltrons?

Air Commander Jeff: Yes Hunk, there's the Vehicle, Stealth, and Gladiator!

Just then, vehicle Voltron launches out of the main ship, followed by one robot that looks as if someone took a red, blue, and black man-shaped robot and smashed them all together.

Jeff: Keith, what's the situation?

K: Not good. We took off one nacelle, but we took a lot of radiation. We're going to have to split up into the lions again.

J: ok, you do that, and we'll cover you! FORM BLAZING SWORD! (The mighty robot forms it's main weapon, and proceeds to slash it's way through the hull of the Enterprise!

On board

Marissa is not taking current events all that well.

MP: (foaming at the mouth) You stupid, stupid men! Why can't we blast the planet?!

JG: Well, it seems the giant robot burrowing its way through us has managed to take out all of our weapon systems.

MP: What? How is that possible?

JG: I don't know, I'm not even old enough to drive, what do you want from me?

MP: RRRAAGGAGAGAGGGGG! I'm surrounded by idiots! Disengage the saucer, we'll ram them!

C: Is that-urk! (She falls dead as Marrissa shoves her royal specter through Clara's eye socket)

MP: Any other questions? No? Then do as I say!


The Voltron teams have gather for a final assault. Lion Voltron has reformed, Vehicle has already blown up the engine drive of the Enterprise, and Stealth has shown up!

K: (Hearing the Stealth's pilot's familiar accent) Sven? Is that you?

Sven( In all his Nordic glory) Ja, it's good to be in space again.

Princess Allura: Well, it's just like old times again.

Lance: Yeah, except we didn't have a genocidal 14-year old commanding the world's biggest space ship trying to kill us

K: Well, at least her attention isn't on Arus anymore. Sven, go to Stealth mode and sneak up on her. Ken, you take Gladiator and move in on the starboard. Jeff gets the port, and we get em head on!

Keith, Jeff, Ken, Sven: LET'S GO VOLTRON FORCE!

They move in to the attack! Each brandishing their own blazing swords, the robots begin to go through the saucer like a chainsaw though ice-cream!


Marrissa is not taking this very well. In fact, she is beating Jay to a bloody pulp with her own chair as the bridge is sliced to bits. The robots fly away as the saucer goes up a bright flash.

Back at the castle, Pearl is not taking this loss well.

PF: You incompetent twits! I can't believe this!

CF: (over a intercom) Well Mother, you'd better. Our minions are taking a beating, but so far nobody has tried to rescue the other three ladies.

PF: Well, make sure nobody tries! Launch the second attack now!

VR: (also over a intercom) As you wish Herr Forrester.

We see Tokyo-3, just as four LARGE objects fill the sky. They revel themselves to be four giant robots, and they all look alike in design. One of the robots whips a large automatic pistol and begins to fire upon the buildings! We hear the voices of the pilots as the other three begin to go a similar rampage.

Tom "Da Dragon" Dryon: We're going to kick some ass today, yeah ha! (He robot whips out a large knife and begins to spear citizens who didn't escape into the underground shelter in time)

DJ Croft: Bloody good show Dragon, but remember, Our mission is

Issei: To soften up the place so Pearl can invade and conquer, we know, we know! You said the same thing a hundred time already you limey prick!

Lisa Foster: I agree! We know what we're doing, so just shut up! Wait, we have a enemy ship, 11 o'clock!

A large, well, it really defies description. Think a lop-sided top, and you might be close. A irate female British voice issues from the ship.

Voice: Alright, this is the Authority! We order you to cease and desist!

TD: Aw, screw off! (He turns his pistol on the ships and begins to fire! Several figures teleport down to the ground. There is one man, dressed in simple jacket and slacks and two women. One woman appears to be made out of metal, while the other looks normal and very ticked off. Her shirt appears to be made from a Union Jack.

Man: You want the first shot Engineer?

Engineer: (metal woman) Sure, don't mind if I do. (She leaps up to Dryon's robot, and seemingly becomes part of the machine!)

TD: What the hell? (He struggles with controls as his mech slowly puts the pistol directly next to the cockpit!) What's going on?

E: So long asshole! (With that, the Mech squeezes the trigger, and Da Dragon is turned into a fine meaty paste)

Issei: Tom! You bitch, we were going to play hide the gerbil tonight!

The man simply closes his eyes, and Issei stops dead in his tracks. Literally, because his mech's feet have just sunk into the concrete!

I: What? (He continues to sink. He's up to his neck now) Lisa, help me!

LF: Oh,(with a sigh of regret as she tries to stomp on some stray school children) alright

But before she can get over there, issei's mech is seemingly swallowed up by the city itself! What appears to be a shooting star appears near the Authority's craft. The star zips down, and within seconds, smashes right through the main chest cavity of Foster's mech! The star turns out to be the Authority's main powerhouse, Apollo! With a another pass, Apollo rips Foster out of her mech, and tosses the screaming woman directly into orbit! All that's left is a rather terrified DJ Croft. He positions his mech next to several large skyscrapers, and begins to empty his rifle in every direction. The Engineer latches onto his mech's foot, and with a few mental commands, DJ drops his gun, and ejects! The escape pod lands near a broken water main. DJ crawls out.

DJ: You bloody whore! (He whips out a small pistol and begins firing. Not at anyone in particular, just firing randomly. Jenny Sparks[the blond with the Union Jack shirt] lights up a cigarette and walks over. A water main has burst all over the street, and DJ is perched on top of his escape pod, fumbling for ammo.)

JS: You miserable royalist pig. You treat people like slime, you piss and moan about your wealth, and the way you treat woman…(her eyes begin to spark) Eat this you frigging wanker!(A bolt of lighting shots out of her hand, and hits the water! DJ screams in agony as his flesh is fried to a crisp. His charred corpse topples off of the escape pod and slowly sinks under the water)

Back at the castle

Dr. F: Well mom, it looks like we lost another team

PF: Shut up! We can still win! Clayton, launch the third team, and I KNOW they can't lose!

In the wilds of northern Canada.

We see Craig Vincent & Miles Buchanan walking out in the woods. Craig is a slightly overweight man, bristling to his armpits with guns of every shape size and variety. Miles is a red-haired Irishman, with Mousse-like glasses. They both appear lost.

MB: Acchh! Me wee little friend, shouldn't we doing some talking with Pearl?

CV: Screw that old heifer! We don't need anybody telling us men what to do! We'll just take out what ever loser's here, and we'll be back to scoring with that babe A-ko in no time!

We hear movement in the trees. It sound vaguely like a animal.

CV: Dude, what the hell was that?

MB: Aye, laddie, I donna know, but- reeechhh!(Is the last thing the crude Irish stereotype can say, before his head is retched off of his body!)

CV: MILES! Oh shit! (He whips out a pair of Desert Eagles, and begins to fire randomly. He hits something, and rushes over to investigate) A-ha! I just opened up a keg of whup-ass on you now! (We see what he hit. It's a large bundle of branches, covered in a tattered coat.) huh?

A almost growling male voice: Good shooting cowboy.

Craig turns around, and instantly wishes he didn't. Towering over him is a man dressed torn jeans and a muscle shirt. At least 6'8, shaggy blond hair that makes its way from the top of his head, all the way down to his chin, adding to his already feral appearance is the fresh blood coating his forearms. In case my sub-par scribbling wasn't enough detail, the man is Victor Creed, AKA Sabertooth!

S: What's the matter boy, you act like you've never seen a mutant before.

CV: (in a full blown panic) KEEP AWAY FROM ME! (He begins to empty his guns at the hairy killer. Sabretooth takes every shot, grins, then falls to the ground, apparently quite dead.) yeah…(his confidence returning somewhat, Craig walks over to the body) You're nothing! Just a dead freak! (He pulls out a Colt.45) You know what I'm going to do with this? I'm going shoot your mutant balls off, that's what! (He stands astride Creed's prone form, with his gun aimed directly over Sabertooth's groin. If he was turned around, he would have seen Creed's eyes flicker open) Any last words, freak?

S: Yeah, you talk too damn much. (With one swipe of his claws, Sabertooth totally shreds the idiot's left leg, just below the knee.)

CV: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! (He falls over as the large mutant picks up his discarded gun)

S: Nice piece. (with a grunt of strength, Sabertooth crushes the gun a metal pulp.) Now, what were you planing to do?

CV: (Staring at his bloody stump) Oh god, oh god!

S: Wait, was it something like this? (With a small thrust, Sabertooth shoves the metal piece of slag directly into Craig's groin)

CV: AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGJHH! (His communicator falls out, and we hear Pearl's voice come out)

PF: Well? Have you secured the area yet?

Back in the castle, Pearl and the others are listening in on Craig's response

CV: OH SWEET JEUS, HELP ME! HELP ME HELP ME (His voice is cut off with a strangled choke, and the line goes dead)

Dr. F: Well, they sure proved to be unbeatable.

PF: Shut up you immature little snot! Launch the last team, if they can't win, we do plan B!

We see Ruby Ciello and Lord Exdeath appear in a flash of sulfur right outside a modest two story house in the suburbs of Ohio.

LE: This the place?

RC: Yup.

LE: let's go! (They rush in. and Lord Exdeath disintegrates the front door with a dark energy blast! They both startle the house's occupants, rouge game designers Hsu and his brother Chan!)

Hsu: Damn, Looks like more inter-dimensional loonies trying to take over the multiverse.

Chan: Humph. Care for a brownie? I just took them out of the oven.

LE: DIE MOCKER OF THE DARK LORD! (With one shot, he blows up the TV)

H&C: AARRAGH! You bastard, you destroyed out version of " Beat & Eat" for the Playstation! This shall not go un-avenged! (They both duck as Lord Exdeath fires off more energy blasts)

Chan: Anymore bright ideas?

Hsu: As a mater of fact, yes. Quickly brother, let us use our pokemon!

Chan: Oh course! Doorstop! I choose you! (he throws a large green something at Lord Exdeath, but he deflects it! Ruby isn't so lucky, as Lord Exdeath deflects it right at Ruby's skull. The green pocket monster shatters Ruby's head on impact.)

LE: Oops.

Hsu: Hah-hah! Victory! Oh damn! (He ducks as Lord Exdeath continues the saturate the room with energy blasts)

Chan: Brother, we need a idea!

Hsu: I know just the thing! (He raises a white flag) Wait, we will surrender, only on one condition.

LE: And what's that?

Chan: That you defeat us at our own game!

LE: Very well, I accept.


We see Lord Exdeath sitting a virtual reality machine, with Hsu & Chan in similar machines.

Hsu: Ok, the point of the game is blow up your opponents using whatever weapons you can find.

LE: Sounds easy enough.

The game begins! Lord Exdeath is now seen driving a Pinto along a blasted freeway. He hears a rumbling, and Hsu & Chan appear, driving a TANK!

LE: what the hell? That wasn't on the options page!

H&C: It is if you know the cheat code!

Chan: Brother, shall I do the honors?

Hsu: Sure, why not. (Chan pulls a lever, and the tank fires off about a hundred rounds of ammo at the Pinto. Lord Exdeath's game pod is blown to bits, along the Avatar.

Chapter-9: Loose lips sink ships they say/so why is it always this way?/swallow my pride

Back at the castle, Pearl is now right pissed at the current turn of events.

PF: Damn, damn, DAMN! Alright, Plan B!

Dr. F: (Over the intercom) Mom, are you sure? I mean, we've already lost most of our forces…

PF:(her face reddening) SHUT THE HELL UP YOU SPINELESS LITTLE BASTARD! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP?! When I say do plan B, I mean it!

Dr. F: Alright, alright! (he switches the intercom off, and goes to check on the captured Belldandy. What he sees when he enters the cell is Alfala trying to dry-hump the pod, while Miranda is trying to smash a nearby TV over his head) What the hell are you two doing?

A: Oh, sorry man. Just trying to get a little.

M: With that cheap bitch? What, I'm not good enough for you now?

Dr. F: Shut up both of you! Look, I'm going to be very busy. (Two men enter. One is dressed in a tuxedo and a flowing cape. The other looks nondescript, but has a disturbed look in his eye. They are Chris Cadwell & Robert Tsumani!)

CC: You called?

Dr. F: On time, good. Gentlemen, come with me. As for you two, no humping the prisoners, ok?

A: Bummer.

Dr. Forrester leads the two men inside a room filled with computers. A young woman is busy typing on one. She is dressed in very "European" clothes and does not look up)

Dr. F: Ah, Lin-Lin! Glad you could make it. Now, you three are Plan B.

RT: Just the three of us?

Dr. F: Well, given that just about everyone is dead by now, yes. These computers are all hooked up to the Deus Ex Machine. Whatever you type, it becomes real. Lin-Lin here is almost finished. When your stories are complete, the multiverse will be permanently altered!

The three Avatars are all rather happy with this prospect.

L-L: Think about it! The Sailor Scouts, mine to do with as I deem fit! (All three break down into the standard stock villain laughter)

Dr. F: Well, I'll just leave you three alone for a bit. Remember, you are our last hope! (With that, he leaves)

Down the hall

Alfala is busy trying to watch a porn movie, when something odd happens. A beautiful platinum blond young woman walks in on the scene, startling both Alfala and the onscreen couple.

Woman: No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong!

A: What the hell? (pressing his face against the screen)

Woman: You should put more kick into it, like this! (With that said, she draws back her leg, and kicks Alfala right in the head, directly through the TV screen! Alfala falls back as the leggy woman steps out of the TV and stares down at him, much like a human would do to a cockroach.

Woman: Remember me?

A: Um…

Urd: Urd, ring any bells?

A: Oh yeah! Hell, I kicked your ass once before-

Urd: (In heavenly reverb) QUITE MORTAL! TO DEFILE A GODDESS IN SUCH A FASHION DEMANDS DIVINE RETRIBUTION! (with one snap of her fingers, Urd causes a intense light to fill the room. When it stops, we only see Alfala's shadow burnt into the wall.) Well, now to go check on the skank and the brat.

We see Miranda in a fight to the death with Skuld! Miranda's trying to use her energy-based attacks, but nothing's happening!

M: what's going on?

Skuld: Just a Ratliff device canceling out your new powers.

M: Don't matter, I can still whip your boney ass!

S: (whipping out the biggest damn hammer ever, Skuld proceeds to knock Miranda right into the ground like a tent pole! Then, with precision that would be envied by most professional golfers, Skuld knocks Miranda's head right off!) Hah! Up yours you bloody bitch!

Urd: (Standing over her, it doesn't look like Urd cares for Skuld's language) [in a whisper] I'm going to kill that damn Englishman…[out loud] Come on squirt, let's go get Belldandy out of that gizmo, ok?

Skuld: right! (they exit)


Joel and Mike have met up with Captain Jessica, Clay, Kasey and the unnamed Egyptian woman. They are all trying to come up with a plan of attack.

JR: (talking into a cell phone) Washu, yeah, we're all here. Look, there's a bit of a problem. We have several Avatars inside a room, and they all look as if they're writing something. Who? Well, there's Tux-boy Chris, Pedo Robert, Some woman, Lin-Lin I think, and Hatchi-Matchi. You'll handle it? Ok (Just then, a portal opens up, and several figures appear. There's the Neo-Scouts[future Sailor Moon and the reformed Sisters] and a young man dressed in a hideously garish purple and yellow costume with stuffed monkeys hanging out of his utility belt[It's Keep-Squeezing-Them-Monkeys-Boy!] and Keiich!)

KSTMB: You called sir?

JR: Yeah. Just cause a diversion, and we'll get Belldandy, ok?

Neo-Moon: No problem Joel, leave everything to us!

The hero's burst into the room! Everyone falls silent as the two groups size each other up. Then, Neo-Moon draws her scepter and yells

N-M: ATTACK! (in the confusion, only Joel, Mike, Clay, Keiichi, and Captain Jessica get out of the room. The rest stay behind to fight)

Tuxedo Chris draws a ebony blade and launches himself and the Neo-Scouts. Neo-Aries rolls out of the way. Chris circles around her, and attempts to drive his sword into her! Neo-Hermes looks on and shouts

N-H: HELL OF ICE! (A snowy blast comes out of her fingertips and both Chris sword and his right hand are turned into solid ice!)

CC: Damn you! (using his left hand, he tries to throw a rose , but Neo-Aries intercepts)

N-A: DIVINE FIRE! (a tidal wave of flame exits her hands and roasts Chris alive!)

On the other side of the room, Lin-Lin is keeping Neo-Zeus and Aphrodite at bay with a thorny whip. Neo-Zeus faints to the right, and the whips wraps itself around her arm. Neo-Zeus smiles grimely

N-Z: KHASKA! (her body glows with electricity as a lighting bolt forms and travels it's way down the whip! Lin-Lin screams as the current rips it's way through her and knocks her across the room. Neo-Aphrodite puts her hands together)

N-Ap: BLESSED LIGHT! (a beam of intense light shoots out of her hands, and zaps Lin-Lin right in her head! When the light stops, we see that the light actually burned it's way directly through Lin-Lin's head!)

In the center of the room, Robert Tsumani tries to put on a brave face when Neo-Moon stares him down.

RT: (sweating profusely) So, back again? (Slowly inching his way towards his computer)

N-M: (the hate in her voice could melt titanium) Tsumani, there isn't a punishment severe enough to make me forget what you did…

RT: Well, hey, At least I was willing to do something different! Come on, your character has never been used to the full erotic potential and-

N-M: (a look of intense fury etched on her features) You sick bastard!

RT: (leaping near his computer and grabbing the keyboard) Not so fast! As soon as I hit the ENTER button, that will finish my latest work, and with the Deus Ex machine powering it, I can make everything I write a reality!

Neo-Moon looks on, not entirely believing the story

RT: (a sick grin on his sweat covered face) That's right, every word will become true, and you know what my latest masterpiece is called? "Chibi-Usa's 8th Birthday!" Hope you like the Starlights honey! (he hits the button, and the computer screen goes dark) What?

We see Kasey, holding the power cord

N-M: (A enraged scream rips out of her throat as she grabs Robert's computer and smashes the monitor over the short eye's head) Happy Birthday asshole! (She continues to scream as she starts to beat the body. When Tsunami's body is covered in lacerations is when the rest of the Neo-Scouts slowly walk over. But before anyone can say anything, Hatchi-Matchi leaps out from underneath a table and grabs Kasey in a chokehold!)

H-M: Alright, nobody moves are the babe gets a ass-ring where it counts!

K: What? What is it with monkeys and me?

KSTMB: (in a fairly decent Charlton Heston voice) Hold on dear citizen, Keep-Squeezing-Them-Monkeys-Boy is here! Unhand her you damned dirty ape!

H-M: or what, you're going to squeeze me? (He looks rather happy at that thought)

KSTMB: Nay, I'll do this! (With one leap, he lands next to the Chunky Monkey and wraps his fingers around the perverted primate's throat! Hatchi's eyes bug out as the Simian Silencer crushes his windpipe. His dead body slumps to the ground as Kasey rushes over)

K: Oh, how can I thank you?

KSTMB: It was nothing citizen, just remember, it's either us or them! And be sure to drink a glass of monkey everyday!


We see Dr. Forrester grabbing a packed suitcase as he runs into his room.

Dr. F: well, this plan went to hell, literally! Oh well, I'll just come up with a better plan next time!

As he says this, Joel, Mike, Clay, and Captain Jessica burst in!

JR: Not so fast Dr. Forrester!

Dr. F: Joel? How good to see your not dead (he draws a saber) I'd hate to think somebody killed you off before I did!

CF: (thinking to himself) Woah. Just like looking a mirror.

CJ: Clay? Or Clayton? I c-can-can't AAAAARRRRAAAFGGG! (She falls to the ground and transforms back into Chibi-Hiroyuki!)

C-H: Clay-sama? Which one is my Clay-sama? Oh well, I guess I'll have to screw you both!

Dr. F & CF: Eh? (neither looks put off by this)

MN: Dang. (Unbuckles his broadsword) Well, Joel, got any ideas?

JR: As a matter of fact, yes. (He draws a katana, while Clay grabs a nearby rapier) Downward attack! (The three men slash at Dr. Forrester's feet. He barely blocks)

MN: Upward attack! (The three slash at Dr. F's head. He ducks, but he loses a few strands of hair)

CF: CHINESE FIRE DRILL! (They all slash wildly. Dr. F's sword is knocked out of his hand and he backs up against the wall)

Dr. F: Well, It looks like you won Joel, Mike. But I thought my doppelganger would have had more sense than to work with such goody-two shoes. But I admit Clay old boy, you have some fine taste in women. (While he says this, he pushes a secret button which triggers the wall to revolve, depositing the mad scientist into a escape pod!) So long suckers! (Just then, a rumbling starts to happen. The roof of the pod opens up, reveling the night sky.) What?

Before he can comment any further, Dr. Clayton Forrester is propelled through the air as the floor of the escape pod turns out to be a giant catapult!)


JR: Well, I didn't see that one coming. You think Keiichi got Belldandy out of that device?

MN: Hey, even if he didn't, I'm sure Skuld thought of something.

JR: Yeah, I guess so. Think we ought to do anything with her (He points to Chibi-Hiroyuki, who seems to be determined to do a strip search on Clay Forrester)

MN: Hmm, maybe give them 15 minutes?

They walk out as we see part of Clay's green jumpsuit fly across the room)

As the two hero's enter the computer room, they see Keiichi supporting Belldandy as the rest of the heros look on.

JR: Ok, we already got two.

N-M: Mr. Robinson, if you don't mind, we'll go on ahead and try to find the other pod.

JR: Ok, (using his remote, Joel opens up a portal to Washu's lab) Anybody who wants to head back to base can. Keiichi, do you mind?

Ke: No (Carrying the still groggy form of Belldandy gently, Keiichi walks through the portal with Skuld and Urd)

JR: Ok, that's taken care of. Kasey, do you want to go with them?

K: Well, I'd rather just get my friend out of here. Where did she go?

MN: (turning slightly red) Well, I'm sure she'll turn up…

In Dr. F's room, we see Chibi-Hiroyuki straightening her clothes while Clay lays tangled up in bed sheets

C-H: Whee! That was fun!

CF: I guess, but how is stripping me naked and playing tic-tac-toe with my head fun?

C-H: Well, it was fun for ME! (She skips out happily while Clay tries to find his clothes)

Chapter 10-Sound check at 5:02/record stores and interviews/oh but I can't wait to be with you tomorrow

We see the two people who probably should have a bigger part in this exercise in insanity that's right, it's Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo! The two bots are sitting in what appears to be a game room. Crow is busy playing Menace Beach on an old NES master system, while Tom is intently studying a electronic chess board.

TS: I'll say this for Pearl, she knows how to have fun. Good thing we're here instead of trying to fight some perverted monkey or the Overfiend, you know what I mean?

Crow: (not paying attention) sure, whatever. Yes! One more level and I can see that girl's panties!

Just then, Mr. Magpie (remember him?) flies in! The robotic bird squawks and tries to dive bomb Tom! Tom floats out of the way as the bird crash lands on the chessboard

TS: Crow! Your turn! (He looks off to the side. Crow is still playing) Anytime your ready.

Crow: Alright, alright. (He puts down the controller and stands up. Mr. Magpie tries to run into him, but since his feet are shaped like the bird he's named after, the best he can manage is a slow jog. Crow neatly sidesteps him, and slides into a figure four leg lock! Mr. Magpie tries to get out of the hold, but Tom floats over and cuts the power to his hoverskirt, there for dropping directly on top of the bird bot's head. With a mild strain, Tom restores power to his skirt and flies off, taking Mr. Magpie's head with him!) Now, if you don't mind…(he goes back to his game, while Tom floats over to a nearby dartboard)

Outside the castle

We see Dr. Forrester, still flying through the air

Dr. F: -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (he gets louder as he approaches the ground. He hits some pine trees on the way down, which luckily break his fall, if not some limbs. He manages to crawl over to a nearby road) I'm alive, alive! MWAHAHAHAHA-eh? (we see the headlights of a pick-up truck behind him. A feminine voice screams, and Dr. F is hit by the truck! He is knocked back by the impact, but amazingly, he doesn't appear to suffer any major damage. The truck makes a U-turn, and once again, the truck is right behind the mad scientist) Oh, poopie (the truck hits him, and his labcoat is snared on the grill) [as he is being dragged off] Damn you Robinson, you haven't heard the last of me, not by a long shot!

We see the driver of the truck. She is dressed entirely in red, although the inside of her truck is all blue. Her name is Red, by the way.

Red: Hmm, I could have sworn I heard a mad scientist whose plan to world domination was to force people to watch bad movies hit my grill. Oh well, I guess I just imagined it.

Back in the castle

The other hero's have split up to go searching for the other missing ladies. Kasey and the strange Egyptian woman are walking down yet another hallway. The Egyptian looks distraught,

Lady: I've have failed you! I let you come to harm twice!

K: Look, it wasn't your fault.

Lady: yes it was! (She breaks down into tears and starts sobbing on Kasey's shoulder) I'm not worthy of your friendship! I'm a disgrace to the Children of Isis!

K: (in a reassuring tone) Hey, it's ok, it's ok. (She awkwardly wraps her arms around the young woman) Aw, don't cry. Look, you did the best job anybody could ask.

Lady: (Her crying stops and looks up) Y-you still want this unworthy one in your presence?

K: Yes, it's alright. Just don't cry anymore.

Suddenly, Pitch stumbles in. He looks as if he just ran a marathon, and barely notices the two women. The lady, on the other hand, notices him

Lady: Stand back, I'll protect you! (with in seconds, the beautiful woman's body changes into that of a man! With blinding speed, the woman/man grabs Pitch by the neck and proceeds to slam the demon into every object in the hall)

Pitch: Wait! Ouch! I'm just looking for the way out!

Lady: If a exit is all that thy need, then let me aid in thou's quest! (With a mighty heave, the woman/man smashes a wall down, and kicks Pitch right out of the castle!) (turning to Kasey) are you alright?

K: (VERY unnerved and trying to keep her eyes from wandering) How the hell did you do THAT?!

Lady: (Shifting back into a female form. Amazingly, her clothes repaired themselves) I thought you knew. Why, does this form not please you? (She turns into a man again)

K: Well…wait, just stay one sex for a minute! Ok, look, this is very odd, and there is just so much oddness I can take.

Lady: (back into a female again) Than you hate me! (she turns to run, but the floor underneath then splits open, and the two women fall down a secret passage!)

We go to Von Reichter in another part of the castle.

VR: Leave it to the Americans to foul up a perfectly good plan. Hmm, I think I'll take you (He glares at the woman in the machine). I can always pull more energy from you. Yes, that is a rather good idea. First I'll get out of here, then I'll get my revenge on that traitorous creation of mine.(Oscar walks in, dragging the limp body of Haruka behind him)

O: Sir, we have some problems!

VR: Really? What do you mean by "we"?

O: Look, we've lost over 50% energy, I can't get anyone on the intercom, and the castle's been invaded!

VR: Not my problem. (before Oscar can say anything, Sailor Neptune and Neo-Moon burst in!) Oscar, why don't you take care of these pests?

O: Don't order me around you damn kraut!

Nep: NEPTUNE DEEP SUBMERGE! (A ball of water hits the Z fighter, and to his surprise, knocks him into some machinery. The water, mixing with the exposed wires causes several thousand volts to surge directly into Oscar! When the smoke clears, the Herm Hercules shrugs, and stands up)

O: You know a Sayian gets stronger every time he's beaten, don't you? (With one step, he has his hairy fingers around Neptune's neck!) This is for ruining my plans the first time!

N-M: NO! MOON PLAMSA STIRKE! (Using her Neo-wand, Neo-Moon fires a silvery blast of energy directly into Oscar's eyes!)

O: ARRAGGH! I can't see! (He drops Neptune and stumbles back)

Unseen by everyone, the pod behind Von Reichter begins to crack. With a deafening explosion, the pod explodes, reveling the lady kidnapped from the Sailor Universe, Hotaru Tomoe AKA Sailor Saturn! But being exposed to all the energy has changed Hotaru back into Mistress 9!

M9: (Doesn't even say anything, but with a wave of her hand, she causes a corner of the room to be filled with a inky black darkness. Tentacles reach out of the dark and latch on to Oscar! The Super-Sayian screams as his body is ripped to pieces by the dark. The Messiah of Silence smiles grimly at her handiwork, and calmly walks over to Von Reichter.) Hmm, you have a very black soul, don't you?

VR: (in his terror, he doesn't see Mistress 9. Instead, he sees a tall woman dressed in black, her features obscured by a floppy black hat.)

M9: I thank you for releasing me, so here is your just reward. (With a wave of her hand, she causes the shadows to wrap themselves around the scientist's body. Von Reichter doesn't even have time to scream as the shadowy tentacles pierce his heart and rip his torso in two) Now, what am I going to do with you three? (She slowly stalks over to the 3 Senshi. Neptune is covering Harkua with her own body, and Neo-Moon is staring her former friend down)

N-M: This isn't you Hotaru, and you know it.

M9: Spare me the heroic dialogue! You never really cared about her, why do you think it was so easy for me to take control over her once again?

N-M: That's not true! I do care about you, I always have!

M9: (a look of uncertainty crosses her face) No, you don't care, you wouldn't have let them take me if you cared!

N-M: (stepping closer to her) But Hotaru, I am here to rescue you. Hotaru…I love you. (She slowly puts her arms around Mistress 9 and her moon symbol on her forehead starts to glow. A beam of pure light spills forth, and connects with the black star on Mistress 9's forehead)

M9: (breaking free) No! (she clutches her head in agony and falls down. With what sounds like two voices tearing out of her throat in a pained scream, Mistress 9 reverts back to Hotaru Tomoe![For this fic, Hotaru is about 16] The shadows dissolve, and that's left in the room is Neptune carrying Harkua out, while Hotaru sobs in Neo-Moon's arms)

Chapter 11-DDT did a job on me/now I am a real sicky/Now I guess I have to tell them/that I got no cerebellum

We see Kasey and the Egyptian lady, both of them bound and gagged inside Pearl's throne room (and I'm not talking about the bathroom either)

PF: Well. After all the planing, all the waiting, I get taking out by the likes of you. (ACL enters)

ACL: Mother Pearl, I have lost contact with our forces.

PF: Of course! We'll be the last ones left, of course. Kagato, be a dear and move the pod down near the reactor. Defeat who ever shows up, and then leave. This whole plan is over. (he leaves) Now, (her attention turning back to the girls) What am I to do with you? (She grips Kasey by her neck) And I certainly had higher hopes for you dear (She smacks the Egyptian girl)

K: Leave her alone!

PF: You're defending her? HA! If you knew the truth, you probably would have killed her yourself!

K: What do you mean?

PF: Well, I have nothing left to lose at this point. You see, many centuries ago, your friend here was the leader of the Children of Isis. She corrupted both her body and her mind with dark magic, allowing her to transform her shape and other powers. (The Egyptian girl is slowly weeping as Pearl talks) She gave up everything even her own name, isn't that right, Hatsheput?

H: (Is now weeping openly)

PF: Well, she got so corrupt, that the Children of Isis put a spell on her. They trapped her as a beetle for all time! But, due to the idiocy of one of my ancestors, the spell was broken. She tried to take over the world

H: Lies! I was only trying to restore the glory of my homeland!

PF: What ever. Thanks to another spell, and a little help with some mad science, we Forresters captured her, and kept her here. At least until you showed up. (She pulls out a Luger and calmly press the barral to Kasey's head) After I kill you, I think I'll bury your rotting corpse with her. Then you'll always have one other! MWHAHAHA!

H: NO! I will not allow this! (Hatsheput undergoes another transformation. Slowly, the body of the young woman is replaced with the body of a giant beetle! The insect breaks it's chains, and lunges at Pearl!)

PF: I see you've learned a few tricks! (In a move surprising for a fat woman, Pearl ducks the giant mandibles and disappears with the help of a secret passageway)

The giant beetle smashes the walls in a fury, then stops and snaps the chains holding Kasey to the wall

K: Um, Hatsheput?

The beetle changes back in a woman

H: I have deceived you. And I have allowed you to perish three times this night! I am not fit to be-

K: We've been over that already. You are a good person, and a good friend. (just then, Chibi-Hiroyuki breaks down a wall)

C-H: Niaho!

K: Jess-(stops) Chibi-Hiroyuki! I'm glad to see you! Hey, want to have some fun?

C-H: Um…ok!

K: Great, can you find your way into the secret passageway in this room?

C-H: Sure! (in a blinding burst of speed, she breaks every thing in the room. Walls, furniture, even the light bulbs. After a few minutes of random destruction, she uncovers the passageway!) Yippie-Skippie, I found it!

H: (Sweatdrop) Is she always like this?

K: No, she's usually worse.

Meanwhile, near the reactor core

Adam (or Kagato, depending on your taste) is standing on a walkway, with Sasami tied up behind him! Tenchi enters, his grandfather's sword drawn.

ACL: Well, I see you've brought a more suitable weapon at least. It won't do you any good of course. (He draws his own weapon) I said I won't be merciful the next time boy.

TM: (His eyes close as he readies himself for battle)

ACL: PREPARE TO DIE! (He runs at Tenchi, but Tenchi just side-steps him. When Adam looks down, he sees a very large gash across his chest. The wound is already beginning to heal as he speaks) Not bad, but thanks to Mother Pearl, I am now a god!

Nagi: Nice to see your ego is still as healthy as ever. (using her energy whip, she manages to slice off Adam's belt. It falls to the ground, reveling a strange box)

ACL: No, not my flo-be!

Nagi: Tenchi, destroy that thing now!

TM: Right! (hurtling his sword with all his strength, Tenchi manages to slice the Flo-be in two!)

ACL: NO! (he grips his chest) My power…it's fading away!

Nagi: Still the same. Putting all your power on one device.

ACL: Shut up! I still have enough to deal with you two! (using his sword, Adam slices the walkway in two, leaving all four of them to dangle over the edge) Now (His voice growing manic) We'll all die together! HAHAHA!

Nagi: Tenchi, you get the princess out of here, I'll deal with him.

TM: (using the handrail as a ladder, Tenchi slowly climbs up and manages to grab Sasami. She holds on to him as he reaches for the door) Ok, but what about you?

Nagi: don't worry, just go! (as Tenchi makes his escape, Nagi looks down at Adam)

ACL: Why? You won't make it out of here!

Nagi: You stole my chance to capture Ryoko. (with a quick flip of her wrist, Nagi slashes at Adam's hands with her whip. Just before he lets go, she snares his neck!)

ACL: (struggling to breath) Why? I brought an outlaw down, you should be thanking me!

Nagi: Ryoko is mine to capture, not yours, not anybody! (Pressing a stud on her whips handle, a blaze of energy shoots down the whip, severing Adam's head! Both his head and his body fall in opposite directions) Ken-oh-ki, get me out of here! (She is teleported out of the core by Washu's beam on the bridge of her ship. As her ship her ship leaves the system)

Nagi: Rest well Ryoko, we will meet again. I will defeat you next time, I swear!

Meanwhile, back at the castle

We see Pearl fiddling around with a large device. Kasey, Chibi-Hiroyuki, Hatsheput, and Clay burst in.

K: Give it up Pearl, we've gotten the ladies back and the Deus ex machine has been destroyed!

PF: No! I still have my trump card! ( She stands aside so we can see the machine. It's labeled "Self-Destruct") If I'm going down, then I'm taking all of you with me! MWHAHAHAHA! (she throws the lever, and small puff of smoke is all that happens) What? Why?

CF: Maybe these would explain why? (holding several bars of plastic explosive and a remote detonator)

PF: You little bastard! I knew I should have stomped on you the day you were born! (She draws her pistol and fires at Clay!)

H: No! (She throws herself in front of the bullet and falls to the ground!)

K: NO!

C-H: AARRRAGGH! (She clutches her head in plane as her form is enveloped in white light. When the light stops, there's, well, It looks like Chibi-Hiroyuki, but now she's dressed in a Sailor Fuku. The insanity is also missing from her eyes. She's transformed into No-life Sailor Chibi-Jessica!) Sparkling brilliance!

A light shoots out of her hand, and dissolves most of Pearl's right arm!

PF: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! (grabbing her bloody stump)

NLSCJ: Pearl Forrester, for the evil you have wrought upon this world, I can not forgive you! Boot to the head! (With one mighty kick, Jessica decapitates Pearl! When she turns around, Clay is helping Kasey with Hatsheput) How is she?

CF: Well, thankfully her breast plate stopped the bullet.

H: (slowly standing up) There is not enough words to describe what you have don for this unworthy one! (She falls to her knees, her arms wrapped around Kasey's waist)

K: (Blushing slightly) You can stop doing that you know. Anyway, everyone's rescued, the bad guys have been stopped, I'd say this qualifies for a happy ending.

Hatsheput quietly draws a circle on the floor and mummers a few Egyptian words. A portal opens up, and Kasey falls through it!

NLSCJ: (her hands glowing) What did you do?

H: Calm your self. Since she was so kind to this unworthy one, I decided to give a small gift.

NLSCJ: (a suspicious look in her eyes) Oh? What kind of gify?

We see Kasey on a small tropical beach.

K: Oh…where am I? (a young man with bronzed skin and pointy ears walks up to her)

Man: Hi! My name's Henry, what's yours?

K: (hearts filling her eyes) K-Kasey.

Henry: That's a cool name. (We leave as the two sit down in the surf and get better aquatinted)

Epilogue 1

Down in Heck (what does Heck look like? Just imagine the worst fast food place you've ever been too. The floor is sticky, the washrooms un-useable, and the service non-existent. At the moment, the only people behind the counter are Pitch, dressed in a brown and purple uniform and holding a giant spork. He looks as if he's going to cry while a large demon behind the counter stares down at him. Hordes of the dammed are busy shouting their orders at the two.

P; This isn't fair!

Demon: Bitch to somebody who cares. Ok, with the expenses you managed to rack up, you'll be down here for at least an eon. Or until Judgement Day, whatever comes first. Now, get to work!

P: Y-y-yes sir!

Demon: And remember, you have to clean out the grease trap with your what?

P: (head bowed, and sounding like he's reciteing from a book) With my tail sir.

Epilogue 2 one year later

We see Mike Nelson sitting in his living room as his phone begins to ring.

MN: Hello? Crow? Yeah, what! You mean they actually did Earth VS the Soup? No, another project? You had another project? Premieres tonight? When did you have time to do this? Oh, and with the money the Evil me gave you? Bring a date? Who? Alright, alright, the show's at seven? Ok, see you then. (he hangs up the phone) Huh. (he begins to dial the phone) I hope she's free tonight…

A few hours later

We see Mike, dressed in a tux (and looking rather ginchy, if ye old writer may comment) stepping out of a red Camero. He adjusts his tie, picks up a bouquet of roses and makes his way up the circular driveway.

MN: (reading the address on the mailbox) Hmm, this is the place she said she be.

After a walk that seemed to last years, Mike reached the front door. After waiting a few minutes, the hairiest man Mike had ever seen opened the door. The man is smoking a cigar and looking at Mike like a stern father checking out his daughter's prom date.

Man: Looking for somebody bub?

MN: Is Kitty Pryde here? I was told she was staying at this address.

The man snorts (and blows a face full of smoke in Mike's direction) but before the two can act, Kitty walks in. She's dressed to kill in a designer evening gown.

KP: Mike! (she rushes up to him)

MN: (somewhat uncomfortable with the way the shorter man is looking at him) Um, are you ready to go?

KP: Sure. (turning to the shorter man) Don't wait up Logan!

Logan just scowls at the two as they walk out to Mike's car.

Once the two are seated, Mike rev's the engine.

KP: Wait, didn't you say the movie was in Hollywood? How are we going to get there in time?

MN: Easy, like this! (He puts the pedal down, and the doors open up like wings! A set of rockets s[ring up out of the trunk and the car lifts off!) Bet you never traveled like this before, have you?

KP: As a matter of fact, yes. Back we I worked for S.H.I.E.L.D., we were issued a hover car.

MN: (chest fallen at the news) Oh. Wait, you were a secret agent? When?

KP: (trying to change the subject) I'd rather not talk about it. So… what movie are we going to?

MN: You know, I don't know. Crow just said he'd been working on it for a while, and that we would like it. The only screenplay I know he worked on was "Earth VS the Soup", but he swears that's not it.

KP: Oh. Well, what do you think it could be?

MN: Since it's playing at Mann's, I think it's safe for most people to watch.

They continue on their flight, mostly talking about subjects ranging from Kitty's midwest background to Mike's time on the SOL, to their favorite snackfood ( it's Oreo cookies, by the way)

Finally, they arrive! It's a packed gala premiere (the kind you might find on some E! special) Mike parks the car/jet and the stroll down the red carpet. Flashbulbs are going off like crazy, but despite the confusion, Mike looks up to see the movie's name of the marquee.

MN: "Mystery Science Theater 300"? Sounds like a puppet show.

KP: Come on, it can't be that bad. Hey, isn't that-Crow is the gold one, right?

MN: (dumbfounded at the scene) Yeah

There stands Crow T. Robot, with Kim Catrell on one arm and Miko Mido on the other! Crow (and his female entourage) make their way other to Mike and Kitty

C: Hey Nelson! Glad you could make it. And I see you brought the lovely Ms. Pryde with you too! (Which gets some "humrphs" from both Kim and Miko)

Just then, Professor Bobo runs into the crowd! He's dress in a tux, and yes, he's still on fire.

PB: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bright-eyes, Good to see you again! RRRRRRRRRAAAAGGGGGHHH! (He runs away)

Crow: We get all kinds of weirdos in out here, don't we? Anyway, the movie is getting ready to start, so come on!

They all enter the theatre. Joel and the others are already sitting on the front row

(in this order. Miko, Crow, Kim, Joel, Kiyone, Mike, Kitty, Tom, Gypsy, and Cambot.

Tom: Hey, you never said what this movie was about

Crow: Shush, you'll all see in a minute!

The lights go down as the music starts

{For the following, I'm having the Ramones sing, but you can substitute any group you want.}


~ In the not too distant future

Next Sunday A.D.

There was a guy named Joel

JR: "named Joel"? Crow, WHAT is this movie about?

Crow: hang on, hang on…

~ Not too different from you or me

He worked at Gizmonic Institute

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

JR: Ok Crow, start talking, NOW.

C: Jeeze Joel, don't you know you're not suppose to talk during the movie?

~ He did a good job cleaning up the place

But his bosses didn't like him, so they shot him into space!

With Ron Jeremy as Dr. Forrester

TS: (sarcastic) The Hedgehog of Porn as Dr. F? Thanks a lot for that image Crow!

We'll send him cheesy movies

The worst we can find

He'll have to sit and watch them all and we'll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind Joel can't control when the movie begins or ends

K: You mean you could have controlled the movie?

Because he used those special parts

To build his robot friends!

JR: I mean it Crow

C: Oh, alright, I sold the rights to your life story! Happy?


CAMBOT (as himself)

MN: Cambot? You were in on this?

(Cambot bobs in his seat and looks almost embarrassed)

GYPSY (played by Kim Cattrel)

(Gypsy shoots a nasty look at Crow)

TOM SERVO (played by Sarah Michelle Geller)

TS: What?! (also shoots Crow a nasty look)


If your wondering how he eats and breathes

And other science facts (LALA)

With Joel Hodgeson as Joel Robinson

JR: Hodgeson? Now they just making names up

Bruce Campbell as Mike Nelson

MN: Really? Groovy

Just repeat to your self it's just a show

I should really just relax

For Mystery Science Theatre 3000! (guitar twang)

During the movie, the former crew of the SOL sits in total silence. After the end credits roll, the crew surrounds a very nervous Crow

C: So, heh-heh, what did you think?

Joel: Well, I liked the way you captured my final months on the satellite.

G: Yeah, but I don't ever remember having a catfight in whipped cream with Tom!

Tom: Yeah, are me doing jumping jacks in latex either!

Crow: so I took a few artistic liberties, what's the problem?

We leave as the crew slowly advances on Crow

C: Eep!

The end!

And Now Nice Guy: Electric Boogaloo!

We see D sitting a newscaster desk. He looks unperturbed, despite the fact that someone (off camera) has a samurai sword pressed to his neck.

D: Greetings. The following fight between Cedric "Gonterman's furry bitch" Henry and Samantha "Silhouette" Jones has regrettably been called off. It is the author's opinion that such a match, while entertaining, would be too offensive, mostly to Ms. Jones's creator, Jaime Jeans. Mr. Jeans has expressed his view on the Nice Guy series, and the appearance of any of his creations in these said stories. That said answer is: NO. Seeing has to how Mr. Jeans was the first one to read the first Mr. Nice Guy (and not suffer any permanent mental damage) than D owes it to Mr. Jeans to honor his wishes. Samantha Jones will never be mentioned, shown, or even alluded to, in any of D's work. That, and the author doesn't wish to reopen any old wounds between the two gentlemen, despite what they were arguing over was pretty darn silly in the first- (The sword presses harder into his neck) But I'm getting off track, aren't I? Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, we now present

Something Completely Different.

We cut to a another TV studio where a man who resembles John Cleese is sitting down.

JC man: Hello, and welcome to another episode of: How much? This week, we have a special guest. All the way from Berlin, Hansi: the Girl who loves the Swastika!

A young blond woman walks in, much to the crowd's disgust. She has a glassy-eyed stare about her.

JC: Hello Hansi. Let's get right to the chase. Do you have three buttocks? Wait, sorry, reading off an old cue card. Hansi, are you in fact a total moron?

H: Vhat does thou mean Herr Englishman?

JC: My point. (As he motions, several guards come in and strap Hansi into a Clockwork Orange type device) Hansi, what are your beliefs?

H: Well, that anything that's written is true!

JC: I see. Why do you think this?

H: Because it is! Paper doesn't lie!

JC: Very well. To spare our viewers at home any boredom, the gist of the machine Hansi is strapped into is that it downloads stories directly into the user's brain. For a test run, A-ko: The Collage Years.

Hansi screams as the story is played out in her head

JC: Was that true?

H: Uhh

JC: Sorry, not fast enough. Now let's go for the completed works of Oscar.

Hansi writhes in agony as her eardrums burst.

JC: Yes, well. And now the grand finale, Mr. Nice Guy, parts one through five.

Hansi's head explodes!

JC: (Brushing off some of Hansi's skull off of his suit) Join us next week when our topic will be Spawn and the Grim Ghost: Who's ripping off who?

The real end.

I don't own any of these characters.

Captain Jessica, Kasey, Chibi-Hiroyuki are owned by Jaimelee Rocket.

The rest are owned by a variety of companies, not by me.

Nothing is as half as important as you think it is

-Ben Franklin