"Come in Blue Command, come in."
A person with blonde hair and purple armor was sitting at the edge of the canyon, overlooking the concrete structure easy recognizable by its blue flashing lights. Tapping his radio earpiece idly, he was greeted with nothing but radio static. "This is Medical Officer Mithos Yggdrasill. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?"
A voice was trying to crackle through, but it merely sounded like gibberish.
The purple-clad medical officer frowned. "Say again, Blue Command...I do not read."
Once more, talking, but nothing that sounded like words.
Still with his hand attached to the earpiece, Mithos frowned. "Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-"
Finally, the static died down and was replaced with a relaxed tone. "Yo, I hear you, calm down dude, what's goin' on?" The voice, along with the words, sounded more like a stoned teenager than any person in position to represent Blue Command. "Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?"
"Uh..." Mitho's blue eyes flickered left and right. "Roger than, Command..."
"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there." The sound of someone sitting was heard. "This is Botta, what's goin' on dude?"
"Roger that...uh..." Despite the fact facial expressions couldn't be seen over sound-only communication, Mithos frowned unsure he had the right number. "Is this Blue Command?"
"Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?"
Still convinced he had the wrong number, Mithos leaned back. "You sure, the Blue Command base."
"Hey dude, take it easy." Botta tried to ease the caller. "You called me, I didn't call you..."
"Um, I know, it's just..."
"It's just what, dude?"
Mithos sighed. "Ah...nevermind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm going to make contact with the Blue Squad members."
"Blood Gulch, eh?" If a smile could be heard over radio, then that's what Mithos was convinced the exhale noise was. "Alright, let me look here, see what it says...Blood Gulch..." After some indistinguishable gibberish, Botta seemed to have found it. "Alright, here we go, Blood Gulch. Says here you wanna make contact with Private Irving, ask him about their wounded dude."
"Roger that, any other orders?" Mithos began to descend the canyon, down the slope for easier access to the ground.
"Anything else, yeah okay...yeah it says here whatever you do don't-oh, okay. Nevermind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh...you'll be okay, just uh, be very careful. That's all."
"Alright then." Some tapping. "Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say 'Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on.' Over and out." With that entirely unnecessary speech, the transmission ended.
"Alright..." Mithos glanced back at the base. "Private Irving..."
"Hey Castagnier, we have a problem..."
Emil Castagnier growled something to himself, before turning to Lloyd. "I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!"
"I'm telling you," Lloyd Irving let out a whine. "He's crazy! He keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice!"
Genis Sage's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about? No I didn't!"
"Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Castagnier as a birthday present?"
"...you know man?" Genis frowned, crossing his arms. "I think you're taking my words a little out of context."
"Listen guys..." Emil Castagnier rubbed his head in frustration. "This competition thing has got to stop, okay? See, I thought we'd established by now-"
"Excuse me," piped Mithos, who had run to Emil's side.
"Hey, pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here."
Mithos watched with interest.
"Anyway...I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good."
Figuring the weird robot-looking guy's speech was over, Mithos tried to get his attention again. "Excuse me..."
Emil turned to face him. "Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you."
Genis Sage's eyes narrowed as he turned his head to the teal-clad soldier next to him. "Don't ever be alone..."
Inching away slowly, Lloyd looked at Emil with a sense of urgency, "He's doing that thing again!"
Watching the exchange, Mithos continued. "Um...my name's Yggdrasill. Uh, are you Private Irving?"
"No, I am not Private Irving. My name is Castagnier. This is Private Irving."
Seemingly getting over Genis's creepy stare, Lloyd flashed a peace sign. "Yo!"
"And our friend over there in regulation blue with the silver hair?" Emil jerked a thumb at Genis. "That's Sage. Or Tenebrae, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."
Genis gave the group a vacant stare. "Why did you introduce me second?"
"Because he hates you," was Lloyd's answer.
"I received your call for a Medic," Mithos said, pointing to his small metal nameplate designating his status.
"Medic?" Genis turned to look at the newcomer. "Dude, that was like three months ago."
Lloyd folded his arms. "Yeah seriously, what'd you do, crawl all the way here?"
Mithos continued, unfazed by the comment. "I came as quickly as I could...where's the patient?"
With a no-nonsense face, Emil pointed to a set of objects behind Mithos. "Well, she's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down."
Mithos turned to face the objects in question-two tombstones, nothing engraved on them, and looking like a hunk from the base was taken to make them. "...oh. Um..." Awkwardly, Mithos turned to face Emil. "I'm sorry about your loss..."
"Wha-oh, yeah...yeah, thanks..." Being that he was mechanical, Emil could not blush, but Mithos could tell that he would be. "It was tough, but, well, what're you gonna do..."
"We didn't like her very much anyway," Genis interrupted, then added in a whisper, "She was mean to other people."
Mithos found himself looking at the other tombstone. "...wait, who's that in the other grave?"
"That's uh... that's me," Emil responded flatly. "I'm in that grave."
"...uh huh...'course." Despite the overwhelming evidence in support of Emil's claims, Mithos found himself extremely skeptical.
"See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank..." Genis began to scratch the back of his head.
"Or by the idiot driving it," Lloyd smirked.
"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oh yeah, spray paint him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who is blue." Genis ended his speech with a childish grin.
"Right, and it took us six weeks to get his freakin' Spanish setting turned off," Lloyd interjected.
"No esta completamente apagado, pendejo." (Not entirely turned off, moron.) Emil added after something inside of him clicked.
"I'll go get the Spanish dictionary..."
Mithos lifted a hand. "Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"
Emil shrugged. "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever." He tapped the two metal devices at the side of his head and something else clicked. "See, whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."
"What the hell? You said they were shorting out!"
Emil turned his ears back on. "Oh I'm sorry, what's that, Sage? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"Well then...let me just check you two out and I'll be on my way," Mithos said, sliding a small scanner from the holster on his leg to his hand.
"Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?" Lloyd asked, furrowing his brows.
Mithos held up the scanner, pressing some buttons on it. "No, I'm just going to check your vitals."
Genis smirked at Lloyd. "I bet I have better vitals than you." He then turned to Mithos. "...what's a vital?"
"On your way?" Emil stepped forward. "I don't think so! Aren't you here to join our squad?"
"No, I'm just here to help with Lu and then assist in the canyon as needed."
"First of all, great job on the Lu thing. Mission accomplished." Emil appeared more agitated at the mention of Marta's codename. "Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."
Mithos continued with his scan. "Well, even if my orders don't prohibit me from doing that...I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector." Emil was the only one that actually knew what that meant.
"...a what?" Lloyd asked.
"I'm a pacifist."
Genis looked rather confused. "You're a thing that babies suck on?"
"No Sage, that's a pedophile." Lloyd corrected.
"Irving, he means a pacifier." Emil correctly corrected.
"Oh yeah. ...I was totally thinking about something else..."
"Yeah, that's real classy, Irving." Emil had his hand covering most of his face, trying to mask his irritation at his teammate's stupidity
The scanner bleeped. "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave. Can you tell me which way is the Red base?"
"Why?" Lloyd inquired. "You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."
"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."
"Man, that is so freakin' lame." Emil huffed.
"I'm just gonna go to the Red base and see if they need any help."
"Well, little advice here man. If you're gonna go up to Red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours." Emil motioned to the scanner. "They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand."
Out of nowhere, a bullet slammed right into the medical scanner with enough force to send the broken device from Mithos's hand.
"Yeah, just like that."
Another shot flies past.
"SCATTER!" Everyone took cover for impending attack.
Just over the hill, were 4 figures, all clad in armor close to the color red. They were the Tethe'allan Reds.
"Nice shot, cupcake," the tall Sergeant smirked.
"Thanks, Sarge!" Presea Combatir smiled.
With the machine gun spitting, Sheena Fujibayashi grinned. "Suck it, Blue!"
Blocking Sheena's target, Zelos Wilder moved to his feet. "Yeah, sneak attack!"
"Sit down, dumbass! I can't see!"
"Lock and load, guys," Kratos Aurion's smirk formed into a grin. "Let's go get 'em."
The Reds had actually formed a good attack plan, completely pinning down the Blue's and separating Genis from Emil, Lloyd, and the medic Mithos. There was no way Genis was going to survive alone at the rock he was taking cover at, so Emil decided to send one of the people over there to help him.
"Okay Irving, I need you to get up there, help Sage shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice." Emil ordered.
"I didn't even know what half of that meant." remarked Lloyd.
"Just go over to Sage's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."
"That rock?" Between them and Genis was a literal hail of bullets."Yeah, I don't think so."
"We do not, have time, to discuss this." Emil started to get pissed.
"Sure, no time for youto discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shooting the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich!"
"Irving, relax. We're going to give you covering fire."
"Covering fire? Unless that means you're going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."
"No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?"
Zelos and Sheena were shooting their respective guns at the Blues with Zelos going full-auto instead of standard burst-firing.
"Sheena…I can't feel my hands," Zelos cried.
"Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass."
"Alright you, Yggy, get over there and help Sage." ordered Emil.
"My name isn't Yggy, it's Yggdrasill." Mithos frowned.
"Yeah. Look dude, I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Yggy. Yeah Dr. Yggy, that sounds good."
"I'm not really comfortable with that name, and I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic."
"Well, What's the difference?" asked Lloyd.
"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable...while they die."
"Mental note: don't ever get shot." Lloyd now feared for his life more then he did earlier.
"It's settled then. Your name is now Yggy." announced Emil.
"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."
"Oh trust us, it'll stick," said Lloyd.
"Now get over to Sage, and help him hold that position," Emil ordered again.
"I don't have a gun, remember? I am a pacifist."
"Well then just get over there, and yell 'BANG BANG BANG!'"
"I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive." Mithos had to have been the biggest punk Emil and Lloyd had ever met.
"Oh, come on," Lloyd remarked.
"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."
"Huh. I see." Emil raised his handgun to Genis and fired one shot at him.
"OW, MY FOOT!" Sage yelled.
"Well, looks like Sage has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Yggy." Emil smirked.
"You know, you could have just asked nicely." Mithos frowned as he made his way to help Genis.
Back on the Red side, Sheena kept shooting until her clip was empty.
"Oh crap, I'm out. Give me some ammo, Zelos." Zelos looked at her incredulously.
"Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one to one bullet."
"Wha…how can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle."
"Wait, since when?"
"Since the last staff meeting."
"We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just put on my shades and fall asleep."
"Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo."
"What's your job?"
"Me? I'm the Social Chairman."
Kratos and Presea ran over to Zelos and Sheena, both out of ammo.
"Wilder, Treasurer Combatir and I are empty. We need some clips," Kratos said.
"Hey Zelos, you remember that one shot you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it," said Sheena, her voice dangerously cold.
Yggy was over now on Sage's rock, helping him with his 'injury'.
"I'm here Sage, where are you hit?"
"Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!"
"The left foot?"
"Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and…"
"I'm just going to assume it's the bleeding one."
"Yeah, the red one. Ah. I can't believe Castagnier shot me."
"OH DON'T EVEN START, SAGE!" his leader yelled.
"Anything else?" asked Yggy.
"Uh, well what?"
"You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?"
"Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, Well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason."
Mithos had not been expecting that, and wasn't even trying to go in that direction today. "...Okay I'm just going to start with the foot."
Emil and Lloyd had been listening to silence for several minutes now.
"Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?" asked Lloyd.
"I don't know, maybe they're out of ammo."
"Hey Blues," Kratos yelled on the opposite side, "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"
"Surrender?" wondered Emil.