Prompt: "What's going on in Jeff's mind when he gets the text message at the beginning of "Basic Lupine Urology".

Rating: General

Spoilers:Season 3, especially the Christmas episode and last week's 3x17.

Summary: Jeffrey gets an offer he can't refuse.



Magic Words

11:49pm. The television blinked at him with a rerun of Scrubs, and Jeff shoveled raw spinach into his mouth while he watched. He'd ceased fantasizing them as green potato chips years ago, and now almost biologically relied on the sharp lettuce as a midnight vitamin kick. In the middle of JD getting tortured by the janitor, Jeff's phone buzzed and rattled. He paused the sitcom so he could catch the joke, and read his incoming notification. Text message from: ANNIE EDISON.

Get down here now, I need you. You're about to get screwed in the Biology room.

A single piece of spinach stopped halfway into his lips. Jeff's eyebrows pulled together, and he reread the text.

Screwed. Biology room. I need you.

He flicked the leaf into his mouth with his tongue, chewing the soft green and swallowing it while his thumb hovered over the 'reply' arrow. Jeff stared at the data phone, waiting for illumination. Any second now the rest of the story would drop. Jeff, Troy broke his ankle and is having a hysteria attack. Jeff, Pierce went crazy and tried to kill Abed. Jeff, Shirley is trying to convert Britta and it's almost working.

The text screen bathed the palm of his hand in a steady glow. Nothing beeped. There were no more incoming messages-just this stark request.

Down. Screw. Need. Biology.

Need you.




The rational compartment of Jeff's brain, the compartment that wasn't stickered over with little pink hearts and pornographic posters, tried to hold against the invasion of those words. It's not what it looks like. It could mean several different things. It's vague and a good lawyer never makes an assumption about diction. It's not in Annie's character to proposition someone like this.

But that's not quite true, offered the bottom compartment of Jeff's mind. Think about Christmas. Christmas was delicious, wasn't it? Even if she overdid the theatrics, Christmas was hot and sexual and yes, yes, Jeff loved Christmas. Christmas should never be underestimated again.

Just the memory made him shift against the fabric of the couch. His jeans were tight, but not too tight yet, and he forced the memory away. With a shudder, Jeff stood, adjusted himself, and went to his little kitchen to make a cup of coffee. He needed to think clearly. He needed to get screwed in the biology room. He needed caffeine. As Jeff waited for the drink to brew, he typed a few experimental volleys.

Do you mean it

His thumb backspaced over that before bothering with a question mark.

What kind of scre

No, stop, said Jeff's lower brain. You'll ruin it. Don't ruin it.

The coffee dinged and he poured himself a cup of black. He took a huge swallow, felt the searing burn all the way through, and typed his reply.


Message sent. There, done. He was going to meet Annie in a dark classroom in the middle of the night. This would be better than a musical daydream, better than Christmas. She wanted him, and she was speaking his language. Saying the magic words. Need you. Biology. You're about to get screwed.

Jeff swallowed the rest of his coffee, thought about brushing his teeth, and grabbed a new pack of breath-mints instead. He quickly changed to one of his better shirts, slate blue with a row of small, round, buttons he'd frequently caught her staring at. He nearly jogged down the hallway and out of his apartment building, wanting to put off reason and logic so he could just think about those words to the exclusion of everything that might distract him from this moment. This goal.

Down here. I need. You.

It was a spell. Words given power by a beautiful woman whom he'd wanted for longer than was good or decent. The enchantment lured him into his car and halfway to Greendale Community College before Jeff's natural agnosticism took up the fight. If he was reading this all wrong, it could be disastrous. He could scare her away. But could he? Was it possible to scare away a girl, a woman, who sent a text like that? Or it could be a ruse. Like Christmas.

But no, Jeff loved Christmas. Christmas was full of music, happiness, and red velvet. Christmas was worth singing about. He could never believe Christmas was a ruse. Christmas had been... well, no use thinking about that. That was a memory compartmentalized for fantasy: treasured, and secret, and magic.

She had him under too many spells, this crazy hot chick. It was getting so hard to tell what was really going on in his head when he was around her. It took two and a half years but somehow, when he wasn't looking, the leverage between them had shifted in Annie's favor. She screamed at him and he wanted to kiss her, but if she cried he wanted to run away. If she learned to crook her finger he might actually fall off a chair.

Now for honesty, Winger. Did that really bother him? Crossing the parking lot toward the science building, it didn't seem too horrible.

I need you. Biology.

When Jeff pushed open the door to their science room he saw half a dozen people with a mess on the floor. Annie waved him in with a rushed expression, and he let all the breath out of his lungs in a sigh. Magic fucking words, indeed.

He pulled out his phone while Profession Kane complained about the hour, and added his two cents. Jeff didn't even bother examining the deceased sweet potato, just carefully typed his last text message of the night.

Any time, Princess. Just say the-

Across from him, Annie's phone buzzed and she stopped complaining long enough to read the

-magic words.