I was stressed out, that's all it was. The fatigued, the constant change in temperature, my short fuse. My very short fuse. Graduation was looming over my head which signaled that I had very little time left to make my decision. Anger was my defense mechanism. That's how I dealt with things—always have.
I was leaving the love of my life behind.
I've been with Sam for most of my high school career and the thought of being away from him made my heart clench painfully. Instead of crying, I lashed out, and pushed away the question that had been plaguing my mind. Why have we avoided this conversation until I was literally a week away from moving out?
Was I really going to leave Sam? And why hadn't he even tried stopping me?
Stupid question. I knew why. Sam would never stop me from moving forward. If he thought for a second he was hurting my future, he would stop whatever he was doing, regardless of how he felt. Sam was too nice like that. Or a push over, depending on how I felt about him at the moment. I loved him so much—too much. I never thought I would be that girl that threw away her life for a guy, but Sam was The One.
I was going to marry this man someday. So why was I leaving?
Fuck, I knew why I was leaving. Because I honestly believed that in the end we would always go back to each other. As corny as it sounded, I knew that our love was so grand that we could survive the separation. That we would eventually compromise on all our disagreements, and share a life together. I had to believe it, because otherwise my heart would break, and I really couldn't survive that.
I stopped folding my clothes and groaned into my hands. I've been turned into such a sap.
But the thought of Sam made me smile involuntarily. Even through all this indecision, all I wanted to do was go to Sam to hear his voice and kiss him. Yet I couldn't because I was supposed to be packing my things getting ready to go away for school.
Suddenly I got so mad. Really frustrated—infuriated even. It didn't pass like it usually did and I felt clammy. Sick with fever. Was I making myself ill? My hands shook a bit and I laid down, fearful that I would collapse or something embarrassing like that. It would pass—I know it will.
And it did. It took longer than it did before, but I was no weakling and I could power through this, at least for another week until graduation. Nothing was going to ruin it, not even my own body.
Suddenly invigorated, I got up, done with pining and agonizing. In my heart I had already made my decision and I wasn't going to lose sleep on it anymore.
Sam was pleasantly surprised by my appearance. I didn't wait for him to greet me, I simply tackled him onto his back and kissed him for all I was worth.
"Missed me?" Sam asked with a smile once I pulled away.
"Not even a little," I teased, biting his nose. Sam rolled his eyes, poking my cheek, and rolling us over. I continued to roll, forcing him right back into the same position with a smirk. Sam didn't try to fight it this time, throwing his hands up in surrender. I laughed triumphantly.
"Drawing?" I asked, grabbing his forgotten notepad. It was the lake, but it was night. It was eerie, the way he drew it. It had a haunting quality to it and if I wasn't mistaken, there was a figure forming from the fog in the center.
"No, seriously Sam. This is amazing. You've drawn this without any schooling and that's hard to believe. Imagine if you actually went to art school?"
"Thanks," he simply said once more. He never bothered with my not-so-subtle pushing for college. He got a job straight out of high school because he thought his hobby of drawing wouldn't get him very far. "How's the packing going?" he diverted, setting his hands on my waist.
"It's not," I answered with a shrug. Sam was silent for a moment and I thought he was finally going to say something in protest. I wanted Sam to speak up. I needed him to.
"You're going to end up doing everything at the last minute aren't you?" he said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Probably," I said with a forced smirk. Why were we always avoiding the issue? Sam and I used to always talk about the future—well argue about it. How Sam wanted to stay at the reservation, how many kids he wanted, and that it couldn't be with anybody, but me despite the fact that I practically wanted the opposite.
I didn't want to settle down on the reservation. I only wanted one kid—at most two and I sure as hell didn't want them right away. But maybe I was just being stubborn because as graduation came closer, I waned on all of it. I'd be willing to let it all go if it meant keeping Sam with me forever.
If only he would say something!
If only I would say something...
Wow. I never thought that Kira would ever spit out her feelings for Paul. Now they were making out against a tree. Maybe she hadn't. Maybe she was just drunk and making out with him. A lot of people were drunk and making out like it was their last night on earth. Not that I wasn't drinking, but I certainly wasn't wasted considering tomorrow was graduation day and it would be no fun hungover. I just needed to hold out for one more day. If I didn't collapse from the strange ailment I've had for about two weeks now, I was going to get wasted after wards.
I had come with Kira, Rachel, and Rebecca in a sort of last hurrah. Rachel and Rebecca were going to NYU in New York. I as going to CSUN in California, and Kira was going to community college in Seattle. We were all separating and it sucked. I've been friends with these guys since I was a child—since in the womb with Rachel and Rebecca. The idea of not seeing them everyday was a sad one, and I, who hated getting all touchy feely, even shed a few tears when we talked about it. At least I didn't completely lose it like Kira.
Sam wasn't much of a partier and tended to become a nagging mother hen when he did go with me to parties. "You shouldn't have drank so much Leah" and "Drugs are bad LeeLee" and "Why is that skirt so short?" he would chastise. So it was a girl's night out.
But now I wish it wasn't.
"Sam isn't here. We can fool around, he won't find out," Brian insisted.
"You're drunk. Go be annoying somewhere else," I muttered, pushing him away. I headed toward the edge of party to the trees where I'd be able to see everybody better. I had lost the girls so I was going to look for them, make sure they were okay, and head home.
"Hey." My arm was grabbed and I was pushed into a random tree, Brian's arms encasing my head. "You act like such a high and mighty bitch, but Sam is going to break up with you. He's told us as much and as soon as you graduate, Sam is going to leave you."
Like the thought hadn't been crossing my mind since I got my acceptance letter. I wasn't an insecure person, but there was only so much I could ignore. We kept drifting apart and it kept becoming this painfully obvious problem that I'm sure is going to break us up.
Our reservation wasn't as closed off to the world as others, but there still weren't a huge amount people going off into other places. The zeal of leaving my friends and I shared was odd. Sam and I had been drifting apart and me wanting to leave wasn't helping the situation. My eye prickled with tears, but it seemed like that was the reaction he wanted to get out of me. Hating myself for falling into his hands, I got pissed.
"Shut the fuck up you drunk son of a bitch!" I yelled, punching him in the face. I'm not sure where my strength came from, but he fell. Hard. Uncaring, I turned and ran.
I was so mad that I couldn't think. I wasn't just mad at Brian, honestly it wasn't the first time that he's hit on me, but I was mad at myself, Sam, and just about everything else. It shouldn't be the dominant emotion, but it really is all I feel at the moment. There was sadness, disappointment, and a bunch of other stuff I had been feeling before, but they all turned to anger. I was vibrating. My heart was pumping in my ears. It was so loud that it drowned out everything else, but I just managed to hear something rip...
My body felt like it exploded and I collapsed on the ground. I felt so odd and I raised a hand to my forehead to check on the fever that had been accumulating over the days. Instead of a hand, however, it was a paw.
I stared at the sight and moved my hand to the right. The paw did what my hand should have done. I blinked and moved my hand to the left. The paw moved to the left. I closed my eyes and counted down from fifteen. When I opened them, the paw was still there and I could see a snout that looked like it was connected to my face.
My drink had been roofied and this was me tripping out while I was actually passed out somewhere. Maybe I had tripped on a root and fell so hard I knocked myself out and this was a dream. It would explain why I could see everything so well even though it was night and I was kind of far into the forest where light didn't penetrate the ground.
Which was weird because I could hear a bunch of people and music in the distance, however faint. I tried to turn back into the direction of the bonfire, but I couldn't stand on my legs. Because apparently I needed all four of them to walk.
I was a dog.
This is quite the experiment here. I have a rough outline of whats going to happen, even a sequel. Still, the details are a little less forthcoming. Reviews I'm sure will help.
Thanks for reading.